Bakura's Guide To Driver's Ed
...AKA: When Bakura Tries To TEACH Driver's Ed...
By: Neko-chan
A/N: This is a one-shot. Nope, gomen nasai--but I won't write a sequel to this one. I (and Baku-chan) have so many requests for guides that we're actually backlogged on them all. But we hope you enjoy this 'guide,' anyway. Baku-chan put a lot of 'thought' and 'effort' *COUGH COUGH* into this. So...enjoy! =^_~=
DISCLAIMER: Neko-chan doesn't own Yu-Gi-Oh! She also doesn't own the authors mentioned in this fic. (But she wouldn't mind owning their fics... *evil grin* D) Neko-chan doesn't own YOU. And that's that.
You're a little bit scared. Why? Well, those cops that you had managed to lose for months finally caught up with you the other day and they gave you a ticket. But, even MORE than that, they also made the stupid judge decide that you had to retake Driver's Ed. YOU, of all people!! You don't need to retake Driver's Ed! You're an excellent driver!, you to reason to yourself. Sure...there were those times going 70 mph in a 5 mph area...and the whole running every red light you come to...the California rolls at stop signs...and the whole going over 140 mph on the freeway... But freeways were created so you COULD go fast on them!
Eh. There's the stupid classroom. Do you really have to be here?? There were Yu-Gi-Oh! episodes you could be watching at home. But NO--you're stuck here. And you have to retake Driver's Ed.
The bell rings and the people scurry out of it, some looking frazzled, some looking terrified, and some with an evil glint in their eye. Look...there goes SSJ Sky, Yo Xi Wang, Shenya, Difinity, Vera, Mystery, Songwind, Skittles, D, Sage of Zelda 64, Seventh Sage, Takeru Yoshizuki... WAITAMINUTE!!! THOSE WERE ALL WRITERS THAT HAD PASSED YOU!
You stop Pikachumaniac as she passes by you. "What... What is happening here???" you ask her, wide-eyed, as eve more writers pass you on their way out. All you can do is GAPE. Some of the authors are your favorites. Borath walks by and she's smiling broadly. (Was it time to start worrying???)
PM brings you back to reality. "Oh, don't worry about it," she tells you while smiling ruefully. "Some of us were forced to take this class. Dunno why, though." She shrugs and continues on: "It isn't so bad. It's pretty easy once you get the hang of it. And, in the end, it's REALLY fun. After all. Yami no Bakura is teaching Driver's Ed."
Oh. That doesn't sound so bad...
...WHAT????
Yami BAKURA is teaching Driver's Ed?!
...you're going to die.
Slowly you make your way into the classroom and peek your head around the corner before you trust the classroom well enough to stick your whole body into the classroom. And, true enough to PM's word, there Bakura is--standing at the front of the classroom, Ryou sitting in a chair behind a desk, and a red-headed cat-girl perched ON the desk.
Once everyone was seated (you decided that it was safer to sit in the FAR back), the girl glared at Bakura and poked him on his butt with her foot. "Well?" she asked and raised an eyebrow. You cringe, waiting for the Yami Explosion. But none comes. Bakura only glares a bit at the girl and turns his attention to the room.
He grins ferally, showing off his sharpened canines, and you slump down into your seat. His eyes redden and he steps closer to the seated students. The sound of scraping chairs fills the room as everyone desperately backs their chair away from the spirit of the Sennen Ring. (You included.) Seeing this, the red-headed cat-girl throws a chalkboard eraser at the spirit and Ryou shoots him a Look.
"Yami..." he begins warningly.
"Get on with it or I'll write a 'Bakura's Guide On Seducing a Hikari'," the girl yells from her perch. Bakura and Ryou blanch--and then Bakura clears his throat, reddening.
"This is Driver's Ed. And I'm going to be your teacher because SOMEONE--who shall remain nameless--thought that this would be a good idea and talked a certain UNNAMED hikari into it, saying that this will teach me responsibility... 'Something he's sorely lacking,'" he mimics. You swallow a laugh. Maybe this wouldn't end up being as bad as you first had thought, ne?
He continues on and you listen with interest: "This," he says and holds up a book, "is a Driver's Handbook. In it are laws and rules that you must follow while driving. And THIS is what I think of this book." With that, he dropped the book into a trashcan--and a lighted match soon followed. The trashcan and book went up in a huge WHOOOOOOOOSH! of flames. (You wonder idly to yourself if Bakura had added anything 'extra' to the trashcan.)
He smiles--you look on in awe. This was the first time that he had smiled. You're mesmerized. Like looking into the eyes of a cobra... Wait, did you just think that?? You shake your head and blink. Something was seriously wrong here. Again, you look at the trashcan. Oooohhh... Fire. Pretty.
"I'M the one teaching this class and therefore I shall teach you MY rules." He walked over to the chalkboard and pulled down a diagram. On it was instructions on how to parallel park. "Parallel parking is stupid. Who actually KNOWS how to parallel park? When you finally have come to and instance where you need to know how--you either hit the car with your own and MAKE room for yourself or you get out of the car and move the other car out into the street. If you're lucky, the car would have parked on a hill and you would have the joy of watching the bastard's car roll down the hill and eventually hit something. It makes a pretty explosion, too."
True. VERY true..., you think.
"Another thing--why post speed limits on a freeway and highway? EVERYONE speeds...except old people. But you end up honking at them, passing them by, and flipping them off as you drive by; so they don't really matter, anyway. You were meant to go fast on a freeway--to hell with the speeding limit! I just hope you can REALLY go fast when the cop starts after you.
And what's with the three-pont turn? You turn around and keep on turning around until you manage to BE turned around. If you hit something while you're turning..." He shrugged. "It doesn't matter. Just as long as you managed to turn--then you achieved your goal!
Lights are for sissies. The same thing goes for stop signs. You go when you please--and damn anyone else. If they hit you--it's THEIR fault! IT IS! Green, yellow, and red are COLORS. Do they honestly expect you to actually KNOW what each color means? If they DO (those bastards...), here's a color guide for you to write down: Green--speed as fast as you want! BWA HA HA HA HA! Yellow: Floor it. Red: Hope no one notices that you ran it. And, if they do, what can THEY do about it? They're nothing but losers!
"...you ARE taking notes on all of this, aren't you?"
You--and the rest of the class--nod emphatically...all the while wondering on how many times you would be allowed to retake Driver's Ed without having your license taken away. This was so great! ...and so educational, too.
"Another thing that is ESSENTIAL to have in your car if you're pulled over is a gun." He nodded and an evil glint sparkled in his eyes. "If you can't get one--then go for a Flame Thrower. Better yet...a Sennen Item. If you can't get ANY of these things, a shirt that says 'I LOVE Policemen' will suffice." He grinned evilly and held up said shirt. "See? Even NEKO-CHAN has one in her Jeep Wrangler Sport for emergency cases. After all, you'd be AMAZED at how often she gets pulled over."
The red-headed cat-girl screamed in rage and started throwing heavy objects at the spirit--who, somehow, managed to dodge all of the objects thrown at him. "BAKURAAAAAAA!"
Ryou blinked and cleared his throat. "Please turn to page 563 in your textbooks. We'll be starting with chapter twenty-nine: Don't Let Your Friends Drink and Drive--They're Idiots Who Can Barely Tie Their Own Shoelaces And Thus Need All The Help They Can Get. Next lessons we'll be doing chapter twelves: You're A Menace To Society On The Road--Now What Are Ya Gonna Do About It?"
It's your turn to blink and you look at the author of the book. By: Yami no Bakura. Well. That certainly explained a LOT. You wonder if he gives out autographs...
"BAKURAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
You decide that you actually LIKE Driver's Ed.
A/N: Kiddies, don't try this at home. O.O;;
Bakura: You, my not-so-friend, are an idiot.
D ...look in a mirror sometime, BAKA-chan
Bakura: *knocks Neko-chan out*
... x.x;; ...
Bakura: Read, review, and make the idiot happy. I'm going back to my Soul Room in the Sennen Ring before she gets any more "bright ideas." Ja ne.
... x.x;; ...