Chapter Seventeen:
A Reason to Hope
"Alright, that's it for today. You can pick up your papers on your way out. Be forewarned, I take a Wal-mart approach towards people who decide their work isn't worth gathering: Beware of falling grades." Mr. Morelock chuckled to himself as he spread the papers out on the edge of the desk.
We had been studying the life of Daniel for the past few weeks, and had been assigned to write about the time when we had to learn to lean on God – our own lion's den, if you will. It had to have been the easiest paper I had ever written. When I sat at the computer, the words just flowed in a rushing stream. My thoughts came at me so quickly, however, that my fingers were struggling to keep up as I typed in a mad fury. Thoughts of learning of Jamie's cancer and her time in the hospital bombarded me relentlessly.
I was well on the second page when I sensed Jamie walking up behind me. Goosebumps rose on my skin as she placed her hands on my shoulders and rested her chin on the top of my head, chiding me, "Landon, be nice… what has the computer ever done to you?"
Lifting my hands from the keyboard, I looked up, getting just a glimpse of her smiling down on me, an all-knowing look upon her face. Reaching around the chair, my arms enclosed around the small of her back, resting them there before slowly stroking her rounded belly.
"Mmmm…" she sighed. "Don't let me distract you."
"That's easy for you to say…" I thought as I returned my fingers to the keys. Surprisingly, her hands still sitting upon my shoulders, my thoughts slowed and my pace steadied. The remainder of my paper poured out with clarity and ease, and I had turned it in with confidence.
I approached his desk and flipped through the pile of papers, failing to see my own. Mr. Morelock was sitting back in his chair, when he finally cleared his throat. "Looking for this, Landon?" he asked me, holding my paper in his hands.
"Yes, actually, I am… falling prices are one thing, but falling grades are a totally different matter." I replied, stepping out of the way of the people reaching around me to grab their papers.
"So tell me, how long ago did Jamie beat her cancer?" He folded my paper in two as he said it.
Confusion and a touch of sadness overtook me. "She hasn't…" Looking over at him, I couldn't understand what he was getting at.
"Really? Huh… that's interesting, because your whole paper – even the conclusion where you talk about dealing with her leukemia after you found your faith – it's all written in the past tense."
"Are you serious?" I managed to say.
He nodded.
"I never had any intentions of putting it in the past tense… why would I do that…?" I pondered as he looked on, watching my face turn from one of surprise to one of uncertainty. "I guess I don't allow myself to dwell on it too much anymore … It's one thing that Jamie and I have just kind of turned over to God. There's far too much riding on it now for us to even think about dealing with it on our own." Somehow I managed to grin at the realization.
"The baby?" he questioned, concern tainting his voice.
It was my turn to nod.
He smiled at me, handing me my paper. "You have a lot more wisdom than you give yourself credit for, Landon."
Finally reaching the car, I checked the time. "12:21? It can't be... Even if I sped the whole way, there's no way I'm going to make it on time." I was supposed to meet Jamie at the obstetrician's office at 12:30 and hated myself for losing track of time. I pulled on to the road, trying to calm down. "Ok… I'm going to be fifteen minutes late… I just need to accept that. Stressing out about it is not going to get me there any sooner. We had to wait a good ten minutes before her last appointment anyway."
Just when I thought that the drive had never seemed longer, I turned the corner, orange construction signs catching my eye. "You have got to be kidding me…" Being instructed to stop by the flagger, I put the car in park.
There in the distance was a dump truck, inching down the road, dumping gravel on still steaming tar.
I sighed as the minutes ticked by, my mind fighting the images of Jamie waiting by herself, wondering where I was. As much as my heart was denying it, my mind feared that she was feeling abandoned, forgotten, and it was killing me. "Lord, let her know how much I want to be there for her, how much I long to be by her side through all of this…"
A calmness overtook me. Looking around, there were no turnoffs for me to get around the construction, no driveways to turn around in, and a long line of vehicles behind me preventing me from backing up. "Looks like it's time for me to learn a little patience."
I reached down to turn up the radio when I saw my paper sitting on the front seat, still folded in half. "I never checked my grade." I laughed at the realization. Picking it up, I read it in disbelief:
"Landon, your hope is well-founded. A-"
The clock read 1:05 when I finally pulled into the doctor's parking lot. Entering the waiting room, I half expected to find Jamie sitting there, already done, waiting to go home.
"She's back in room 12 at the end of the hall. You're welcome to join her," the receptionist informed me from her desk. "You might want to prepare yourself first, though."
"Prepare myself? Why would I need to prepare myself? Did something happen…?" I pondered as I walked down the white hallway. The door was propped open, so I walked right in, "Jamie, I'm so sorry I'm laaa-aattee."
I came to halt right there in the doorway, not even seeing Jamie or Dr. Nelson. My eyes were locked on the black-and-white screen in front of me.
The shadows suddenly moved, and I was able to focus in on a nose, a pair of lips, and then a hand. My throat tightened, and my breathing became shallower. There it was, right in front of my very eyes, as clear as the water that my throat was desperately calling for. "This is really happening… I am really going to be a father…"
I felt myself being led into the room. Pulling my attentions from the screen, I saw Jamie stretching to reach my hand, leading me by her side. "I knew you'd make it…" Her face beamed pure joy like I had never seen.
I couldn't speak. There were so many thoughts working their way through my brain that forming a rational sentence just wasn't a possibility. I gave her hand a squeeze while my other hand fell to her cheek. While my head was trying to figure things out, my heart was alert and there was no doubt that that woman meant more to me than anything.
"What do you think of her?" she asked me as she turned her head to face the ultrasound screen.
"Huh? … Did… did you… say 'her'?" I stammered.
She giggled, returning her eyes to mine before answering. "Oh, did I?"
"Ummm… yes… yes… I think you … you did."
"Well, what do you know? I think you're right. So… what do you think of her?" Hearing her say those words did nothing to my brain which was already running in over-drive.
I tried to steady my breathing, forcing myself to focus in on expressing exactly what I was feeling. "Now she… she is something to hope for," I whispered to her, pointing at the screen.
"Right here, is the head… the arms… the feet," Dr. Nelson spoke up for the first time since I had walked in.
My glance shot between the screen and Jamie, watching in absolute awe.
"And this," he paused, "is the heart…" He reached for a stethoscope, put it in place, and then handed me the earpiece.
Sitting there, watching and hearing the tiny heart beat in rhythm with mine, I had never felt so small… so unimportant… so much a part of a bigger plan… Reaching out to allow my fingers to rest on her stomach, I traced the course that Dr. Nelson had taken just minutes ago. Feeling Jamie's eyes gaze at mine, my eyes drifted until they met hers. While I wasn't able to put my thoughts to words for her quite yet, I knew that she was aware of exactly how I was feeling: "Right here…right below my very fingers is my every reason to dream… to hope… to live."