Chapter Eighteen:
Faith, Hope, and Being Prepared
"Someone's being awfully quiet… Are you okay?" I asked, looking over my books to her distant expression. Jamie had been sitting on the other end of the couch as I studied, her gaze directed towards the front window.
"Hmmm…?" she asked as she brought herself back from wherever her mind had been.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just doing a little thinking, that's all." She forced a smile as her hand came to rest on my knee.
Not wanting to prod, I tried to remain quiet, watching her as her gaze slowly drifted away from me and back to the window. A blank expression returned to her face; it was obvious something heavy was on her mind. "What are you thinking about?" I finally asked, unable to watch her like this any longer.
Still looking out the window, she answered me. "I was just thinking about yours and our daughter's future if I don't get to be here with you."
She said it so matter-of-factly that it caught me off-guard. "Lord, I don't want to deal with this… I know I can't deal with this…" Putting my books on the table and scooting down next to her, I allowed myself to collect my thoughts. As I leaned in and wrapped my arm around her shoulder, I whispered, "I thought … we were going to do this with faith … and a lot of hope."
Her face lightened, she turned to face me. "This test you've been studying for – you are hoping that you're going to do well on it, right?"
"Of course," I replied, wondering why she was changing the subject on me
"Ok. … What are you going to do if things don't go so well on it?"
"Well, there's another one in two weeks, I can make up for it then." The response was automatic.
With a questioning look, she asked me, "If you have faith that God is going to help you on the test, then why have you thought out what you're going to do if it goes poorly. What about your hope?"
"Jamie, just because you have faith doesn't mean you shouldn't be prepared in case the Lord's plan is different than your own." As soon as I said, it hit me. She had played me, getting me to answer my own question. My hand covered my face at the realization.
As she reached over and removed my hand, I could see her pleased reaction. She leaned in. Her lips brushing against mine, she whispered, "Exactly."
As she pulled away, her eyes still gazing into mine, I let out a sigh, "So… how did you want to prepare…?"
"Well… I have one question for you… It's kind of been on my mind lately."
"Ask anything."
"Well…" she began, glancing down at her hands to focus before looking back up. "Have you thought what you would tell her if she asks about me?"
I fought off the lump forming in my throat, knowing full-well exactly what I would do. Grinning, I winked at her. "That's a piece of brownie."
She raised her eyebrows in response. "A piece of brownie, huh? Don't you mean a piece of cake?"
"Nope. It's definitely a piece of brownie." I had gotten up off the couch and walked over to the bookcase. "The way I figure it, brownies are much easier to make than cakes – no multiple layers, no frosting… So something that's a piece of brownie is much easier than something that's a piece of cake."
"Ahh… I see," she giggled. "So what would you say?"
I picked up the videotape off of the shelf. "I wouldn't have to say a thing." Smiling, I popped it into the VCR and hit play, rejoining Jamie on the couch.
I watched the blush creep into her face and her smile grow as she watched the screen and the images of her that filed it. Our Fourth of July celebration on the hammock in my mom's backyard, her singing in the church choir, her sitting on the balcony reading in the sun, me taking her in my arms for a spontaneous dance in the living room while our parents were over for dinner one night, her sleeping alongside of me in bed with her head resting on my shoulder – all taped without her knowledge, thanks to a little help from my mom.
Giving me a playful elbow in the ribs, she exclaimed, "Don't you know it's illegal to videotape someone without their permission?"
I leaned in, trying unsuccessfully to control my smirk as I whispered, "What are you going to do, have me arrested?"
Looking up, she thought out her answer before replying. "While that is very tempting… no. I think you earned too many cookie points with that move."
"Cookie points? Don't you mean brownie points?" I asked.
"Nope. If you get to use 'a piece of brownie,' I get to use 'cookie points!'" she laughed.
Resting her head on my shoulder she returned her attention to the videotape.
My face came into focus as I adjusted the camera only the night before in our bedroom. Jamie was sitting in bed reading. Climbing into bed, I positioned myself behind her, leaning up against the headboard and wrapping my arms around her as she set her book to the side.
"All-time favorite moment?"
She smiled. "Easy – right after we found out we were expecting. You reached over, stroked my stomach, and told me … How did you say it…? Oh yeah. 'There's a part of the two of us living and growing inside of you, and I can't wait to meet it.' It was the first moment we shared as a family – just the three of us."
I leaned down, kissing her neck before continuing. "Most frustrating moment?"
"Oh dear," she began, before breaking into a fit of laughter. "Third grade. You broke every single one of my pencils and crayons at the beginning of the day. I stayed in during morning recess and glued and taped them back together, only to find them broken again after lunch." Jamie turned her head to look at me. "I remember complaining to my father about it. He told me that you probably just had a crush on me and didn't know how to treat me."
I chuckled, having completely forgotten about it.
"And you know what?" she continued. "Now, I have to say… I think he was right." With a simple wink, she sent chills down my spine.
"Umm…" I tried to recover. "Most important lesson you've learned?"
"That God's greatest gifts are never expected." She settled down against me, relaxing. "Why so many questions tonight, Landon?"
"No reason in particular… other than my strong desire to know every last thing about you." My head leaning up against hers, I continued, "One more?"
She sighed, "Of course."
"What do you want your legacy to be?"
Jamie was silent for sometime, deep in thought. "I want to be remembered as someone who trusted God through it all – the good and the bad – and never failed to appreciate all the blessings He has given me."
No more was spoken, as she drifted off to sleep and I sat there looking down on her as she slept.
The tape began to rewind, having reached the end. Jamie reached over and grabbed a tissue, wiping her eyes.
"Does that help?"
She repositioned herself on the couch so that she was facing me and wrapped her arms around my neck. "Mmmm…"
I smiled, "There's just one problem though…"
"What's that?" Her playful, inquisitive face was coming out to show itself.
"Oh if she only knew the affect she had on me?" I thought. "Our daughter would have to fight me for that video, because I think I would be watching it pretty much non-stop."
Leaning in, she rubbed her nose against mine before replying. "At least we don't have to worry about that. Afterall, we've got faith… and a lot of hope."
"So what are my cookie points redeemable for, anyway?" I breathlessly asked, her face still rested on mine.
Jamie didn't respond. Instead, she pulled back ever so slightly, gently kissing my forehead before moving down and kissing the tip of my nose, then resting her lips on mine. I settled into the kiss, trying to ignore the spark of electricity that was shouting out at me, "Something's changed."