The greatest sin against man, even worse than greed, was making it impossible for him to accept paradise. Even should he make all his dreams come true, he would be cursed with the feeling that it would not last. True perfection was simply not something he was allowed to experience until after he'd died I guess. I was terrified of my heaven, because it was such a simple place. Celes was my heaven, all of it, and there was never a time when I wasn't aware of how fragile my life was, how much it depended on her to be there for me. Thing was I knew that anxiety was keeping me from truly enjoying my life to the fullest. But how do you simply get rid of your feelings? About the only thing I wouldn't have given up to know was her.

I'd woken up to find that I was in my bed. I immediately went in search of Celes and found her sitting on the couch with her hands covering her face. I could see a half empty bottle of wine on the living room table next to one that was completely empty. I entered silently and sat down next to her without saying a word. I reached out to her and as soon as I touched her, she was aware of me and recoiled away from me with a terrified gasp. She looked completely sober.

I brought my hand back and stared at her. I felt weak and empty and a vague sense of sadness as if it was something that was deep inside me, eating me at my core. I think I was crying because my vision blurred again. I thought I was going to faint, but I didn't mind.

Suddenly she rushed over to me and hugged me tight and began to sob. I held her tight and a vague sense of that terror I'd felt before returned, but it felt distant too. I still felt empty, but I held her tight. I didn't want to feel that way and if anyone could stop it, it was her. I held her like that for long time and I slowly felt my old self returning. Very slowly.

Eventually I let go and looked at her. She stared back, her eyes full of confusion.

"What happened?"

Boy that really deserved a good and informative answer.

"I don't know."

I felt so helpless. She deserved answers. So did I for that matter, but I wasn't thinking about me. I just wanted that look on her face to go away. It made her look helpless. She wasn't helpless. I didn't want to remember what happened, but I didn't care about me anymore.

"I felt really good." I didn't recognize my own voice, but I couldn't stop now. "That's what I last remember before…no…no I felt something right after…" This part was new to me but I simply kept on talking. I felt like I was just in this for the ride. "I remember feeling something…uneasy? I don't know. I usually get that way though. I've always been like that. Every time I think about how good I feel or how much I love you, anything like that, I just get… It's like I can't stop and be content about how my life turned out without being forced realize that it could all slip away with the snap of a finger. Like I'm not allowed to feel that secure. I don't know." I turned away embarrassed. I was spouting nonsense to her. She didn't deserve that.

"Then I saw a white light…" I ended lamely.

"Locke…please tell me the rest. I know there's more." She spoke so softly, almost a whisper. She sounded so scared and helpless. My stomach twisted really nasty like and I had to fight to keep it still. I didn't look up at her, but told her the rest while staring at my feet. I felt stupid.

When it was over, there was a long period of silence. I stared down at the floor. If I could have been allowed to stare down there till I died of starvation, I would have been eternally grateful.

"You looked terrified when you held me down…" I winced with guilt and she paused, uncertain. "…and…that's what I was so scared of. When you lu…lunged at me…for a moment I thought that maybe it wasn't you. That maybe it was someone else inside you, but then you…had me down and I saw the look on your face. You looked so scared. I didn't know what to do. Then you…it was like you discarded me."

Discarded? Somewhere in my deep misery I had the awareness to ponder that word. It confused me. I was hurting her, I needed to stay away to protect her. I didn't say anything.

"I got up and you were staggering on the lawn and the way you had your hands up I thought you'd gone blind. Then when you caught sight of me you screamed at me to go away. Locke I…" Her voice was trembling.

I shivered a little. I felt like I was being sucked into some black sludge. I couldn't respond to anything she said and I just felt worse and worse as she talked.

"Locke…I don't know what to…" I could tell she was crying. My stomach suddenly stopped fighting me. It just became a dead weight in my gut.

Without warning she grabbed me and held herself close to me, kissing me and crying. At first I didn't respond, I just ignored it. She kissed me at the base of the neck then the cheek, then my shoulder and she began to grab at my shirt trying to open it up and take it off of me, desperate for a response. Any response. I could hear her sobs become louder and I felt like I was something horrible.

"…no…" I don't know if she heard me, I don't even know if I said it aloud. All I knew was that this wasn't right.

She ignored me or just didn't hear me and she ripped open my shirt and forcibly pushed me down on the couch and lifted herself on top of me. I could feel her teardrops fall on my chest and they were icy cold.

"…no…" I know I mouthed the words, but again, I wasn't sure if any sound escaped my lips.

Celes still ignored me. She was kneeling down, kissing me just below my throat and then kissing me a little lower. My breathing became heavier.

"…no…"

Kissing my chest. I could feel her tears on me. My breathing became almost raspy.

"No…"

Kissing my abdomen. The tears stung every time one dropped. I gasped.

"No."

Kissing my stomach. She heard me that time, and I heard her say my name. I was panting now.

"No!"

Kissing my pelvic area. She grabbed my pants and unzipped the fly. She fumbled with my underwear. I felt her teardrops and they made my muscles retract.

"No!" I recoiled back from her hands and fell off of the couch. I got up quickly and staggered backwards. I was taking deep breaths, but I could feel myself calming down. I looked at Celes. Her head was in her arms and she was sobbing harder than I'd ever seen her. I knelt down beside her and lifted her up in front of me. She sat on the couch and I was knelt before her, looking up at her. Something about that, standing below her, felt right and I felt the small inkling of…I'm not sure what, happiness, a sense of order…who knows. It was better than what I had been feeling and I latched on with fatal desperation.

She still had her hand cupped over her face, but she wasn't crying as much, I could tell. Gently I took her hands down to her lap and looked up at her. That good feeling was rising fast.

"I will do anything you want me to, if it will make you happy." My voice was broken and choked, filled with a desperate uncertainty that surprised me.

Celes looked at me with tears freely flowing down her cheeks. Her eyes sparkled.

"Make love to me." She whispered.

I leaned in and kissed her deeply. As deeply and full of desire for her as I can ever remember. Then the feeling that had been growing inside me burst forth and engulfed me. It was a blind feeling of need to serve her. To exist only to bring her pleasure, her happiness. To make her feel all the good feelings one can in this world, and nothing else.