by Yanagi-sen
Weiss Kreuz fanfic
Usual disclaimers apply. Not mine, if they were I would be a lot better off…
Warnings: who knows, I have no idea where this will go or even what I'm going, but it's safe to say there will be shounen ai, probably yaoi, possible lemons, dirty language, maybe violence. I CAN promise no character death, that's it
Day 9: Me, Myself, and I (what I like and detest about me)
Today for our daily dose of torture… we are supposed to write about ourselves. Not our history really, we already did that, but more of how we see ourselves, what we like and don't like, stuff like that. First of all, I'm really kind of uncomfortable doing this. I'm not used to thinking about myself, beyond survival. And even then, there are just times that I don't care. Esset's training was all about the team and the organization, not about the self. We were trained (if that's the word, brainwashed is more like it) to follow our leaders and their leaders up the chain of command. Independent thought was not encouraged in anyone who wasn't a 'leader'. Brad's a leader. You can see it in the way he acts, how he speaks and moves. He is a dominant. Schu is a little bit different. He's defiantly a freethinker, not for Esset's lack of trying, but he's not really as arrogantly confident as Brad is. Schu makes a good lieutenant. He's great in a pinch, but not really interested in leading. Farf and me… we're not dominant in any sense of the word. Farf is a happy follower. Needs to be told what to do, what not to do, and when to do it. On his own… he doesn't cope well. That could be a factor of his insanity but who knows? Myself… I'm no leader. I have no interest in being one. I can think quick enough to keep myself alive, but I'm not good at directing others. Not that I haven't stood up to Schu or even Brad on occasion… even the omega wolf will sometimes growl at the alpha.
I don't like to think about myself. I end up dwelling and that's not good for me. Maybe that's why I like to spend my free time on the computer, I don't have to think. I guess I should really get back to the assignment. But I'm so tired today, I'm rambling. We were out late last night… doing a job. We didn't get back in till around 3am. I was able to catch a little sleep in the car, but I'm dragging today. What do I like about me?… Honestly, not much. Physically there really isn't much to say. I'm not ugly; at least that's what people tell me. Schu always says I'm pretty. Pretty, not handsome. He used to tease me a couple years ago… saying I was too pretty to be a boy, was I sure I wasn't a girl? Not last time I took a bath, Schu! Alright, I can accept this, I'm pretty. Come to think about it… most of the men I'm around are pretty. Even Farf is nice-looking in his own way. His eye is beautiful. Farf and pretty, two words that just don't seem to go together. But I'm rambling again.
I like my eyes. They're a deep, midnight blue. People sometimes ask me if I'm really Japanese. To my knowledge, yes I am… I don't know where the blue eyes come from. My eyes are really big though; I hope I grow into them. But they do help when I have to go undercover. People just can't equate, big, innocent eyes with the little gun I carry. Makes getting close to the target easier. My hair's nice too. I only wish it wasn't quite so fine. It gets hard to control when it gets too long. Either hanging limp or flying away. What else do I like about myself? I guess I appreciate the fact that I'm smart, although if I wasn't I wouldn't fully understand what I was missing. I think really fast, essential for hacking. I like that I can draw, and have it turn out the way I want… most of the time.
Now on to what I don't like. Childhood and Esset training aside… it's really not fair to count them, it's not as if I had a choice in the matter. I have a tendency to get depressed at times. I mean, we're not talking lock up all the sharp, pointy objects (most of the time) depressed, I just get down. Then I don't care about anything. I stay in my room, except for school and missions. I don't talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to eat. I barely sleep. And I just can't figure out how to get out of it. Before I met Omi… this would sometimes go on for months.
There was this one time a couple years ago… Brad was really busy with Takatori, Farf was going through one of his periods where he's REALLY out of it, and Schu was busy shuffling between Farfie-sitting and playing Brad's second. I don't think they were intentionally ignoring me… it just happened. We were being sent out on a lot of jobs too, so I was busy most nights. I was having a problem with some of the 'jocks' at school. Harassing me, teasing me, the usual. I had the pits for teachers that year, lots of homework and no understanding. This was before I met Tot or Omi so I didn't have any friends. Life sucked, big time. I went into one of my depressed periods. It was awful. I was having to use make up and eyedrops to hide the fact I wasn't sleeping. I was hardly ever hungry enough to finish a meal, so I started eating dinners in my room where they couldn't yell at me. No one was ever around at breakfast time and I've already established that lunch is NOT a good time for me. I lost weight. Which made me even more tired… but I couldn't sleep… which fed my depression… which leads to me not eating… you get the idea. Luckily it was almost the end of the school year and somehow I made it through finals.
Then I went to bed and slept for like 24 hours. Even then I didn't want to get up. And since I wasn't eating hardly at all, I didn't see the point in forcing myself. I did get up once or twice to get some juice and crackers and that was about it. I think it took them three days to realize, no one had seen me. Schu came in to check on me and absolutely freaked. I must have looked REALLY bad for him to react like that. I wouldn't know. I'd stopped looking in the mirror weeks before. I was just kind of lying there listless when he came in. I think that tipped him off that something was really wrong… I wasn't on the computer or reading or drawing. I'm always doing something. But I wasn't, I was just huddled in my blankets, I couldn't get warm.
Schu like screamed for Brad to 'get his ass in here'. It was actually kind of funny. Schu doesn't yell at Brad too often. Anyway, Brad comes rushing in and just freezes in the doorway. By then Schu was kneeling beside my bed (I have a traditional futon on the floor, I don't like to be up off the ground when I sleep, a holdover from my time on the streets when low mean secure.). Brad came over and told me to get up. I tried. I couldn't. Schu picked me up and started swearing in German, I didn't even know half the words. I remember Brad asked what was wrong. Schu told him and they made me take off my shirt. Then Brad started swearing in English; remember I hadn't looked at myself for weeks. They hustled me into warmer clothes and took me straight to one of the Esset clinics.
I passed out on the way. Next thing I know, it's a week later. I don't even know what my weight was by that time, but the doctors weren't happy with me. They really didn't want Brad to take me home, but I was insistent and he knew I wasn't going to get better there. I hate hospitals, comes from some bad experiences in the Esset training rooms. So a couple days after I woke up, Brad took me home. Farf was doing better by then, which means he was doing the cooking. He seemed intent on finding ways to stuff food in my face. They stuck me on the couch, and since walking was still pretty shaky, I couldn't escape. Schu sat down and basically told me to tell him what was going on or he was going to rummage around in my head. Either way he was gonna find out. So I took the lesser of the evils and just told him. By the time I was done, I was crying on his shoulder (which I hardly ever do). I fell asleep. When I woke up, Brad was sitting there with me. He apologized for ignoring me. (Landmark event here, Brad Crawford apologized for something! He actually said the words, didn't just imply them!) I tried to tell him it wasn't his fault. He just frowned at me in that way of his that says, 'do NOT contradict me'. Then he ruffled my hair (I HATE when he does that, and he knows it, that's probably why he does it! ARRRGGGHHH!!). Farf came in with some mochi for me and everything was alright again.
That's probably the lowest I've ever been. I mean we're talking rock bottom, probably would have tried to kill myself if I'd had the strength, absolute lowest point in my life. But it ended up okay. I'm closer to them now, especially Schu. It kinda, I don't know, bonded us as a family. Now, any time I start to get down (i.e. I'm hiding in my room a little too much), Schu demands that we talk, Brad gives me a couple nights off, and Farf starts bringing me treats.
I haven't really gotten depressed since I met Omi. I don't know why, but it helps having someone my age to talk to. Especially since we do the same types of things. He understands how hard it is to juggle school and 'work'. He's another one who's good at knowing when I'm getting down. He tends to think up something silly. He'll give me flowers, or send me some perverted jokes in my email. It's nice. It's nice having someone who really cares. I guess that's one more thing I like about me… I have a few people who really care. -Nagi