by Yanagi-sen
Weiss Kreuz fanfic
Usual disclaimers apply. Not mine, if they were I would be a lot better off…
Warnings: who knows, I have no idea where this will go or even what I'm going, but it's safe to say there will be shounen ai, probably yaoi, possible lemons, dirty language, maybe violence. I CAN promise no character death, that's it
Author's Note: Everyone on ff.net gets lucky… the ML's got this journal entry in two parts, I waited overnight to post the second… But since I don't want to mess up the chapter numbering here, you get the whole thing. Besides… I have enough people after my head for splitting it as it is… -Yanagi
Day 11: My Imminent Demise (dead man walking!)
Part a: My time on death row…
Quite frankly, I don't give a damn about today's topic. I'm supposed to be writing about what we would serve the Prime Minister if he came to lunch. What?! Point?! I would BS my way through it, but I just can't think about that right now. Crawford came home today. He's down in his office… catching up on the paperwork probably. There are things I do when he's gone, but some things can only be handled by him. Schu warned me he was back before I even got to the door. He's lounging in the living room. I think he wants to be on hand in case something happens. Farf's in the kitchen making dinner. Maybe this combination of drugs will do the trick; he seems to be much better lately.
I'm procrastinating here, I know. But I really don't want to talk to Crawford. I don't know what he's gonna do. I can't prepare for something when I don't know what to prepare for. I don't like this. I don't like to feel this out of control. I've been jumpy and nervous all day. I couldn't eat lunch at all… but I'm not hungry. Every time I hear someone moving around the apartment, I freeze. My hands are shaking a little… not a good sign. I'm going to have to appear calm and collected for whenever I run into him. That's hard when it feels like your heart is racing a mile a minute. Schu's told me three times already to calm down or I'm gonna hyperventilate, and I've only been home an hour. I can't. I can't relax when I don't know what's going on. Schu doesn't know, Crawford's been blocking him since he got home. This is soooo not good.
I got all the rest of my homework done already. I don't need THAT hanging over my head all evening, besides, the work kept my mind off the fact that Crawford is right down the hall… for a little while anyways. Damn! I don't know what to do. I'm a nervous wreck here. Should I make some type of excuse or apology? Should I laugh off the whole thing and try to imply that it was a joke? Should I just be all punk, apathetic teen and tell him I don't care? Should I just grovel at his feet or skip everything and throw myself out the window for him? I wish he would just get it over with.
Farf just came to the door to tell me supper was ready. I had to tell him I wasn't hungry. I hate to hurt his feelings like that, he always takes those things so personally, but I don't think I can eat. And even if I did… I don't think I would be keeping it for long. Oddly enough, he didn't push it… just gave me this pitying look and said there'd be some left if I was hungry later. Thanks Farf. But I'm not sure there will BE a later. Farf again, holding a cup of tea. Not much I could do to refuse that. He's worried about me… again. He's gonna start in with the mother hen crap pretty soon. It's just too weird coming from the ONE person I'm physically afraid of. I mean… I don't HONESTLY think Crawford would kill me… but Farf in one of his moods… there is a distinct possibility. I'm never quite sure what to make of Farf when he gets all chummy or God save us, maternal. *shudders* It seriously weirds me out.
Now Schu's starting. He came to my door to ask me if I was going to eat. NO! I'M NOT!!! The possible end to my entire existence is sitting down the hall and these two are demanding I eat?! This is way too much stress. If Crawford doesn't do whatever he's gonna do soon, it won't matter, cause I'll be a broken lump on the floor. What will he do? I think lots of people have a morbid fascination over the myriad of ways their life could end prematurely. Course, I'm not only talking about my ACTUAL life, though I think that's safe. I am quite valuable to him after all. But the imminent DEATH of my social life is a very real possibility.
Crawford could ground me from now till… forever. He could take away privileges. He could take away my allowance… that would definitely curtain any semblance I had of a social life. *sigh* He would be well within his bounds to order me to kill Omi. I mean, Weiss is technically our enemies. I really really hope he doesn't ask me to do that. I don't think I could. Except for that time with Tot… I've never openly defied him that badly. If I refused a direct order like that… then he could possibly kill me. Or at least severely punish me. I really don't want to have to explain away bruises tomorrow in school. Provided I can go to school. Since when have I actually WANTED to go to school? He could banish me too. That would be Hell, to be back out on the streets. I don't think Omi's teammates/family would be too happy if I suddenly showed up on their doorstep. Plus, I don't' know if they know about us and I wouldn't want Omi to get in trouble.
This waiting is driving me insane!!!! My hands are cold. Kind of a funny thing to notice, but they are. Come to think of it… I'm pretty cold period. Wonder if the temperature outside is dropping? I hate hate hate this…. It's like being strapped to the chair and waiting for the executioner to throw the switch. I bet he's doing this on purpose, tormenting me… Wait, I can hear Crawford calling me. Better go face the music. I'll finish this later… if I'm still alive…
Part b:
I can't believe it… I really can't believe it… Brad was… Let me explain exactly what happened. I heard Brad calling me so I left the safety of my room. As I passed the kitchen, both Schu and Farf were sitting at the table, eating. They just looked up and gave me that smile that is meant to reassure but actually makes everything worse. By this time, I'm basically shaking like a leaf. So much for calm and in control. And Plan B: apathetic teenager isn't gonna work either. Plan C: throw myself on the mercy of the court!
I kind of, peek around the door, and Brad looks up over the rim of his glasses… usually a sign that I'm REALLY in trouble. He tells me to come in and close the door. Great, I think, no witnesses. But I do it and come over to stand in front of his desk like the scared kid I am. I'm holding myself so tight to keep from trembling that my muscles are starting to ache. He shuffles a couple papers around and then finally gets up.
All of a sudden, I'm just so tired. It's like… all my nervous energy has been used up and is gone. Brad has this couch along one wall, he tells me to sit down and moves to sit on one end himself. Okay, one point in my favor, he's making it an informal interrogation. I sit down, still so tense that I'm sitting ramrod straight. He tells me to relax. Yeah right?! Like I can relax at a moment like this!!!!!! Then he starts asking me questions. When did I REALLY meet Tsukiyono? How long had we been 'going out'? How did we keep in touch? Did Weiss or Kritiker know about us?
I considered lying… for all of two seconds. He'd know if I did. Nothing else I could do except come clean. I answered him as honestly as I could. Some things I didn't know, like if Weiss or Kritiker knew. But the rest… I just told him, staring at the floor, hands clenched so tight around each other I'm sure they'll be bruised tomorrow. When I was done, I just sat there, shaking.
Then his hands closed over mine and he pried them apart so they weren't hurting each other. Nagi.. he said. I can't approve of what you've done. Tsukiyono is a member of Weiss… a group who has tried to kill us time and again just as we have tried to kill them. You've FOUGHT against Tsukiyono yourself, many times. Now I find you are not only dating him… but also doing so behind my back, and have been for quite some time. I consider this an unacceptable risk, Nagi. I thought you were smarter than that.
I just kinda lost it at that point. I mean… I was sure he was going to demand I go kill Omi. With all the stress of the last few days (ever since he found out actually), combined with not eating all day and my fretting earlier, I just kinda went into emotional overload. It's so embarrassing. I pulled away from him and curled up, crying. I think he just sat there shocked for a moment and then he started to try to get me to calm down, rubbing my back and stuff. But I just couldn't stop. I wanted to… I had never wanted to lose face like that, not in front of Brad, but I couldn't. I heard Schu and Farf come barging in, demanding to know what was happening, and I couldn't stop then either. Brad finally just shooed the other two from the room, telling them he would handle it. Then he just sat down with me and waited for me to cry myself out.
I finally did, after what seemed like forever, but was probably only ten minutes or so. He handed me his handkerchief and asked if I was okay. I said I guessed so. He tilted my head up and looked at my face. He frowned and asked when was the last time I'd eaten. I was too drained to think up a convincing lie so I was honest… dinner yesterday. His frown deepened and he told me to stay put. He left and came back with some miso soup and a small bowl of rice. He said he didn't think I really wanted much. It was all I could do to eat what he did bring; my stomach was still doing flip-flops. It was really unnerving having Brad watch me eat, but finally I was done. He set my bowls on his desk and sat down beside me again.
He said he was sorry. He hadn't intended to make me so uncomfortable; he had just wanted to point out how dangerous it was, for both of us. Then he asked, why Omi? I told him I didn't know… but I loved him. Brad just kind of sighed and pulled off his glasses and rubbed his forehead. Then he shook his head and said he was young once too… but he didn't think he'd ever been as young as us. Then he got this really serious look on his face and asked if we had… His voice trailed off but I knew where he was going. I told him no and he seemed a little relieved. He hinted that if we DID… that we should use protection… etc. I told him Schu and I had talked about all this years ago and he seemed even more relieved. I guess like most parents he was happy to get out of 'The Talk'.
He asked if I had any homework left, I told him only my journal. He said I had better get to it then. He got up and went around his desk and sat down… and Brad was Crawford again. I stumbled down the hall to my room. Schu and Farf were back in front of the TV again. I smiled slightly as I went by, Farf waved and Schu gave me this little slide through my mind, kind of his equivalent of a greeting. Opening my door, I saw that Farf had been in there too. On my desk were a small pot of fresh tea and a small plate of sweets. Besides my absolutely humiliating performance in front of Brad… I guess the day wasn't as bad as I was expecting. I wrote a quick email to Omi telling him everything was clear, he could come out of his hole now… and sat to finish this. I just realized that Brad didn't say I couldn't see Omi. He said he wasn't pleased, but didn't forbid me from seeing him. Suddenly, tonight's really not so bad after all. –Nagi
Author's Note: I couldn't decide whether Brad would have a real heart inside or be an absolute bastard about this. I've written him both ways. Finally, I decided on both and so part a is Nagi's personal debate on HOW bad his punishment will be (the evil Crawford), the part b is the actuality (Brad is not approving, but understanding at least)… Now I wonder how the Weiss boys would handle this…