Chapter 2
This is how it started.
A morning like any other morning; a day like any other day. Living a life that is created on deceit, betrayal, and lies. I have long ago lost count of all the lies; there are far too many. And I don't even bother trying to keep track anymore; to differentiate between what is real and what is not. What is even real anymore?
The one thing that felt real in a long time was "The Day". After so many years devoted to destroying SD-6, it finally happened. I was free. Or so I thought. I'll never forget the moment when I walked out of Credit Dauphine, knowing that I will never have to walk back in there as long as I live. Knowing I would never have to deceive the people I care about or feed them lie after lie again. I would never have to feel afraid anymore. Like I said before, I was free – or so I thought.
There will always be one challenge after the other. This is the game we play; the kind of life you could never escape. The rules of the game are simple – kill or be killed. Fight until the death; fight until you know longer know what you are fighting for. And always remember: You are doing a great service to your country.
Finally the day came when the game would end. I would never look back on my old life; never have to remember all the things I have done. I would be a new person. But it never happened. I would never be that person because I would never really be free. I will always be a spy. I will always play the game.
Yes, I had hope at first. I was on top of the world when "The Day" happened. I felt I had made a difference. I had served my country well. I planned to start my long-awaited teaching career. I planned a normal life with a man named Michael Vaughn. I planned a house by the beach, children, even a dog. Family and friends would be visiting all the time. It was the perfect life, a dream really, and sadly, that's all it was. Nothing short of what little girls grow up thinking.
But wait. Stop. Was I ever a little girl? I was trained to be a spy, damn it. And by my own flesh and blood, no less. I would never have that normal life I want so badly. Once in the game, always in the game, remember?
I wonder if my father or mother ever wanted out. If they ever wished I would never end up like them. Sometimes I think they enjoy it all. And I'd be lying if I said I never did, because there are moments. They are when I have waken up in the morning, feeling that that is the day when all my dreams will become a reality. When you start to believe all the lies until what is real and what is not becomes blurry for you too.
That moment – that morning – was indeed the day.
I walked into Credit Dauphine, greeted everyone friendly enough, completed the paperwork from my previous mission and sat through an afternoon debriefing with Arvin Sloane explaining a new mission for tomorrow. And I remember thinking, You bastard, there won't be a tomorrow. At least not for you. Who knew that there wouldn't be one for me, either?
And then it happened.
What seemed like one hundred to two hundred armed government officials burst in from every entrance, gunfire exploding when chaos reigned. It was all so surreal, like I was watching it from outside myself. Everything appeared to be happening in slow motion, like I was in some movie. I looked around for my father, but he was nowhere in sight. Instead I saw Sloane, being led out by a handful of agents. I remember noting he looked unusually calm for the situation, judging by the fact that he seemed to be cooperating. He glanced over at me briefly then, a small smile playing at his lips, his expression unreadable. And then it hit me. He knew.
I felt a touch on my arm, and turned around. But Vaughn or my father was not the person standing there. It was my mother. She was the one who had made this happen. She had discovered the evidence regarding SD-6's involvement with espionage and extortion needed to convict them. It was quite an amazing feat; no one ever had enough evidence to do so before. And what was even more amazing was that Irina only asked to be there for me when that day came in return. And here it was.
I walked out with my mother soon after to meet my Vaughn, my father, and everyone else outside. I remember wanting to get the hell out of there and never see that place again. Yet I know it will always be imprinted in my mind, like a burn that never heals. The faces of the people I had passed day by day over the years will never be forgotten. The expressions on Dixon and Marshall that day will never be forgotten either. As I left, I looked back. Only once, but it was enough.
*
You are doing a great service to your country.
I repeat this in my head over and over. It has become my mantra. It was what Sloane had taught me when I was training to be a spy at SD-6; it was what Devlin had said post–SD-6 takedown when he proceeded to tell me that there was so much more they needed me for at the CIA. That it was far from over. And now here I am, one year later, still playing this fucked-up game. Although I no longer walk into Credit Dauphine everyday, it's still the same. I still deceive the people I care about and feed them lie after lie. I still feel afraid. The only difference now is I don't dare to dream.
When I walk into the club in Metiszi, Russia, I repeat the mantra. And all the while I try to believe it, like I once used to. I hear my father's voice in my head, explaining in detail what I am doing on this mission. I see myself entering the club, entering the meeting room, stealing some documents from the safe, receiving Agent Leonov's phone call, putting on my gasmask, entering the room, being knocked unconscious by the butt of a pistol, and feeling that there was something different about this mission.
And that was when the fear grabbed a hold on me, not letting go.
And then I remember having to make a move, because although I want out of this game so badly, I don't want to die.
And this is how it ended. Because Agent Leonov was someone I knew. Someone I had trusted. Someone I thought I would never see again. And his name was Danny. He was a part of the game, too. Don't you see? We all are.