Chapter 22............ Hiding Within Myself
A/N- The most lovely thing happened today. I worked for an hour on my story, making the story as good as it was back when I started it. It was wonderful. Then my computer shutdown, with no warning, before I could save.......... I want to scream, but I'm holding it back. My writing muse ALEC is calming me, putting me back into a state where I can write. Hopefully, you will all enjoy this very much, for it caused me great pain to write it.
Alec awoke, the baby was crying. He looked over at Max. She lay flat on her back, eyes open, staring at the ceiling. The same thing she had been doing when Alec had fallen asleep four hours earlier. "Max, the baby" Alec said.
Max responded by turning on to her side, and pulling the blankets over her head. Alec sighed and stood up. she had been like that since earlier the day before, when Zack had left. She hardly spoke, she hadn't eaten anything, and worst of all, she wouldn't touch the baby. Alec had had to go to the store to get baby formula, and a bottle, the baby crying the whole way through the store. He didn't even know what to buy. A woman there had helped him, giving him sympathetic looks, and asking where the mother was. Alec had responded that she was out of town on business.
His wife was breaking, and he didn't know what to do. No. She wasn't breaking. She had been breaking for a while. Now she was broken. Max is a broken toy he remembered his words to Asha, so long ago. He hadn't known what was ahead of him.
He climbed out of bed, and walked over to the cradle, lifting out the baby, gently caressing her cheek. He carried her into the living room, where he set her in her car seat. Her cries were less dramatic now, but they had not stopped. He carried the car seat into the kitchen, and set it on the counter. He began to prepare her bottle.
He thought he heard Max moaning in the bed room. She had been doing it all day. Saying 'turn it off' and struggling against invisible bounds. He didn't know what was wrong. He didn't know what this meant. He wanted to help her but he couldn't. he wanted to go to her, to hold her and stroke her hair, and whisper into her ears, caressing her soft skin. But the baby needed him too.
It was different now. Before, with Ben, he had always just thought it was the guilt. The pain of his absence. But now, Ben was back. Things were supposed to be good. Max was supposed to be better. But it continued. She was crazy, and there was no longer any denying of the matter. He had to find her help. He had to fix her. She may be a broken toy, but she was his broken toy.
He brought the prepared bottle over to the baby, and picked her up, cradling the soft bundle. Morgaine rejected the bottle, crinkling up her face, and crying again. "shhh... Come on Morgana, drink it" he begged with her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ben's eyes snapped open, almost glowing in the dark room. He felt a pain, not physical, but emotional. The feeling of despair. Of surrender to emptiness. He shivered in the dark room. He remembered this. Back at Manticore. He would be happy, making shadow puppets for Max when she laid awake in bed. Then suddenly it would hit him. A sad feeling of loneliness. It had always been loneliness when he was at Manticore, which was strange, because that was the one place where he was never lonely.
After the escape, the pain had turned more physical. Sometimes at night, when he slept, he would hear screaming. Then he would awake in a cold sweat. But the feelings had left when he started........ He shook his head. He wasn't going to leave. He wasn't going to run again. He wasn't going to loose himself. But he wanted to. More the anything else he wanted to leave. To move. To feel wild and free.
He climbed out of bed, and stood up tall and strait. Like a soldier he thought to himself. He shivered as cold air hit the back of his legs where his gown ended. This hospital was like Manticore. the lumpy beds, the barren walls, the gray gowns and the stale air. It was comforting. But he was alone. Suddenly he longed for the place of his childhood. 'You mean the place that stole your childhood' the stern voice seemed to echo in the room, even though Ben knew it wasn't real, it was a memory. One he had lost with his mind.
FLASHBACK:
"Do you ever wonder what would of happened if we had stayed?" Ben asked timidly. Ben had grown more shy and quiet with his 18 years. He reminded Zack of a puppy that was used to getting beaten. Always flinching away from people. He stood tall and handsome in a soft blue sweater, that lightened the soft features of his face. He remained almost ageless, his face still that of a boys.
"Stayed where?" Zack asked even though he knew what Ben was talking about. Ben Looked up at him, his eyes glittering with tints of blue and green. He was waiting for an answer. "No" Zack said flatly, and left it at that.
"Come on Zack" Ben said. "It was where we spent our childhood. It was our home" he looked down at his feet.
"You meant the childhood they stole from us?" Zack kept his voice soft, knowing that Ben would flinch and leave if he raised his voice. He wondered what happened to make Ben so timid So puppy like. "And this place you call home was a jail. We were it's prisoners. It was a hell, and we were the sinners. Ben, it was our prison" he took a step towards Ben.
Ben turned away from him, and looked down from the porch at the white daisies that peeked up from the green soft grass. He wanted to take off his shoes and feel it between his toes, but he didn't. "But still, things were so simple. Everything made sense there" he said.
"Ben, nothing made sense there. We were tortured, trained to crave blood. It was child abuse" Zack said.
"How can you say nothing made sense there?" Ben yelled. Zack stumbled back away from him. He hadn't seen Ben yell for years. "We had family. Family Zack" he continued still yelling. "And we had my stories. Out here, none of them work. There's no blue lady out here, only Nomlies. It's out here that nothing makes sense"
"Ben, your wrong. This is your family now" Zack motioned to the house and yards with his hands. Ben had been living with this family for a few years now, and he could tell they liked him. "Your lucky, these people care about you. Please Ben, forget about Manticore" Zack pleaded with him.
Ben turned around so he was facing Zack again. His eyes were wide, and for the first time empty. "I can't" he said.
Ben was knocked back into the present when his door was opened. And young nurse walked in. Her red hair was braided behind her back. Ben recognized her as Claire. She had a bright smile and a soft voice. She spent a lot of time in his room. She brought him his meals and blushed when he smiled in thanks.
"What are you doing out of bed Mr.Pierce?" She asked in a concerned voice. Ben flinched a little at the use of his new last name. He had never had a last name before, it was Always just Ben.
"Just stretching my legs" he answered quietly, looking at the floor. "I had trouble sleeping" he told her.
"Would you like me to get you a pill?" She asked, her Irish accent decorating her voice like a song.
Ben nodded, "Please" he said softly. She left the room and he climbed back into the uncomfortable bed, waiting for Claire to return with a pill that would take away all of the dreams that haunted him, allowing him to sleep in peace.
A/N- The most lovely thing happened today. I worked for an hour on my story, making the story as good as it was back when I started it. It was wonderful. Then my computer shutdown, with no warning, before I could save.......... I want to scream, but I'm holding it back. My writing muse ALEC is calming me, putting me back into a state where I can write. Hopefully, you will all enjoy this very much, for it caused me great pain to write it.
Alec awoke, the baby was crying. He looked over at Max. She lay flat on her back, eyes open, staring at the ceiling. The same thing she had been doing when Alec had fallen asleep four hours earlier. "Max, the baby" Alec said.
Max responded by turning on to her side, and pulling the blankets over her head. Alec sighed and stood up. she had been like that since earlier the day before, when Zack had left. She hardly spoke, she hadn't eaten anything, and worst of all, she wouldn't touch the baby. Alec had had to go to the store to get baby formula, and a bottle, the baby crying the whole way through the store. He didn't even know what to buy. A woman there had helped him, giving him sympathetic looks, and asking where the mother was. Alec had responded that she was out of town on business.
His wife was breaking, and he didn't know what to do. No. She wasn't breaking. She had been breaking for a while. Now she was broken. Max is a broken toy he remembered his words to Asha, so long ago. He hadn't known what was ahead of him.
He climbed out of bed, and walked over to the cradle, lifting out the baby, gently caressing her cheek. He carried her into the living room, where he set her in her car seat. Her cries were less dramatic now, but they had not stopped. He carried the car seat into the kitchen, and set it on the counter. He began to prepare her bottle.
He thought he heard Max moaning in the bed room. She had been doing it all day. Saying 'turn it off' and struggling against invisible bounds. He didn't know what was wrong. He didn't know what this meant. He wanted to help her but he couldn't. he wanted to go to her, to hold her and stroke her hair, and whisper into her ears, caressing her soft skin. But the baby needed him too.
It was different now. Before, with Ben, he had always just thought it was the guilt. The pain of his absence. But now, Ben was back. Things were supposed to be good. Max was supposed to be better. But it continued. She was crazy, and there was no longer any denying of the matter. He had to find her help. He had to fix her. She may be a broken toy, but she was his broken toy.
He brought the prepared bottle over to the baby, and picked her up, cradling the soft bundle. Morgaine rejected the bottle, crinkling up her face, and crying again. "shhh... Come on Morgana, drink it" he begged with her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ben's eyes snapped open, almost glowing in the dark room. He felt a pain, not physical, but emotional. The feeling of despair. Of surrender to emptiness. He shivered in the dark room. He remembered this. Back at Manticore. He would be happy, making shadow puppets for Max when she laid awake in bed. Then suddenly it would hit him. A sad feeling of loneliness. It had always been loneliness when he was at Manticore, which was strange, because that was the one place where he was never lonely.
After the escape, the pain had turned more physical. Sometimes at night, when he slept, he would hear screaming. Then he would awake in a cold sweat. But the feelings had left when he started........ He shook his head. He wasn't going to leave. He wasn't going to run again. He wasn't going to loose himself. But he wanted to. More the anything else he wanted to leave. To move. To feel wild and free.
He climbed out of bed, and stood up tall and strait. Like a soldier he thought to himself. He shivered as cold air hit the back of his legs where his gown ended. This hospital was like Manticore. the lumpy beds, the barren walls, the gray gowns and the stale air. It was comforting. But he was alone. Suddenly he longed for the place of his childhood. 'You mean the place that stole your childhood' the stern voice seemed to echo in the room, even though Ben knew it wasn't real, it was a memory. One he had lost with his mind.
FLASHBACK:
"Do you ever wonder what would of happened if we had stayed?" Ben asked timidly. Ben had grown more shy and quiet with his 18 years. He reminded Zack of a puppy that was used to getting beaten. Always flinching away from people. He stood tall and handsome in a soft blue sweater, that lightened the soft features of his face. He remained almost ageless, his face still that of a boys.
"Stayed where?" Zack asked even though he knew what Ben was talking about. Ben Looked up at him, his eyes glittering with tints of blue and green. He was waiting for an answer. "No" Zack said flatly, and left it at that.
"Come on Zack" Ben said. "It was where we spent our childhood. It was our home" he looked down at his feet.
"You meant the childhood they stole from us?" Zack kept his voice soft, knowing that Ben would flinch and leave if he raised his voice. He wondered what happened to make Ben so timid So puppy like. "And this place you call home was a jail. We were it's prisoners. It was a hell, and we were the sinners. Ben, it was our prison" he took a step towards Ben.
Ben turned away from him, and looked down from the porch at the white daisies that peeked up from the green soft grass. He wanted to take off his shoes and feel it between his toes, but he didn't. "But still, things were so simple. Everything made sense there" he said.
"Ben, nothing made sense there. We were tortured, trained to crave blood. It was child abuse" Zack said.
"How can you say nothing made sense there?" Ben yelled. Zack stumbled back away from him. He hadn't seen Ben yell for years. "We had family. Family Zack" he continued still yelling. "And we had my stories. Out here, none of them work. There's no blue lady out here, only Nomlies. It's out here that nothing makes sense"
"Ben, your wrong. This is your family now" Zack motioned to the house and yards with his hands. Ben had been living with this family for a few years now, and he could tell they liked him. "Your lucky, these people care about you. Please Ben, forget about Manticore" Zack pleaded with him.
Ben turned around so he was facing Zack again. His eyes were wide, and for the first time empty. "I can't" he said.
Ben was knocked back into the present when his door was opened. And young nurse walked in. Her red hair was braided behind her back. Ben recognized her as Claire. She had a bright smile and a soft voice. She spent a lot of time in his room. She brought him his meals and blushed when he smiled in thanks.
"What are you doing out of bed Mr.Pierce?" She asked in a concerned voice. Ben flinched a little at the use of his new last name. He had never had a last name before, it was Always just Ben.
"Just stretching my legs" he answered quietly, looking at the floor. "I had trouble sleeping" he told her.
"Would you like me to get you a pill?" She asked, her Irish accent decorating her voice like a song.
Ben nodded, "Please" he said softly. She left the room and he climbed back into the uncomfortable bed, waiting for Claire to return with a pill that would take away all of the dreams that haunted him, allowing him to sleep in peace.