Rolf paced stiffly in front of his animals, all lined up single-file. "Rolf is not pleased." He leaned in to peer at Gertrude, then straightened once more. He resumed his pacing. "Nana's homemade nasal lubricant has been consumed, and Papa has sworn on the sea-bass of truthfulness that he did not do this thing." He sniffed Victor's breath. "Rolf is certain that he, too, is innocent. Could it be that Nana's lubricant became overwhelmed by its own eel-infested goodness and devoured itself?"
The cow chewed her cud; Wilfred snuffled through the dirt at his feet.
"Yes, and perhaps next the cucumbers will sing Rolf the song of the Joyful Custard-Boy!" Rolf stomped his foot. "Insolent creatures! Do you think the eels necessary for such a concoction simply fall from the sky in this country? Do you care nothing for the long months Nana suffered to save enough eyelash trimmings to trade?" He stared at each animal in turn. "Do not try to shield the guilty one with this clever act of innocence, for Rolf can smell the foul odor of your shame from fifty paces!"
Suddenly, an all-too-familiar voice broke in on Rolf's interrogation. "Nah, that's just Ed."
Rolf whirled in alarm, and discovered Eddy and Edd standing directly behind him. He glared at Eddy. "Do you seek to make Rolf's nana knit him a clean pair of undergarments? Why must you sneak up like a well-oiled mongoose?"
Eddy snickered. "Forget your dinner menu, Rolf, we need your help! How about – "
"Rolf has no time for you now, unbearably-pushy Ed-boy," Rolf snapped. He gestured towards his animals. "Do you not see the Line of Unavoidable Guilt before you? Rolf must uncover the scoundrel who has eaten his nana's nasal ointment before suspicion is cast on Rolf himself and he sentenced to," he shivered, "lubricating Nana's nasal passages by hand!"
A queasy look crossed Edd's face at this, but Eddy showed no sign of having heard. "Oh come on, Rolf, it'll only take a minute! Just help us out here and then you can go back to your stupid animal court or whatever."
Edd clucked his tongue disapprovingly. "Eddy, manners! What's important to us may not hold the same relevance for Rolf, we have to respect his priorities!" He stepped up to Rolf. "My apologies, Rolf, Eddy's hasty comments reflect only his, uh, concern for our friend's predicament. Nonetheless, we were wondering if – once your current task is completed, of course – you might spare a moment to – "
"Is your head full of lard, pain-in-the-ears Ed-boy? Your speech is long but Rolf's patience is short!" As Edd jerked back in startled chagrin, Rolf turned to Eddy. "Your friend reminds Rolf of the simple-headed goose who has not the sense to ever cease his honking. Such creatures are useful for stew and their feathers make fine pillows, but it is folly to allow them to run about the barnyard without taping their beaks shut!"
"Yeah, a little tape would save us all a lot of headaches." Eddy shot Edd a smug look. "Anyway, how about laying some more of that old-world know-how of yours on us, eh Rolfy boy? Ed's got a case of the hiccups that just won't quit!"
Despite his irritation, Rolf blinked curiously. "Hiccups? Yet again Rolf finds himself as lost as a jellyfish on the Mountain of Never-Ending Thirstiness! What are these things you speak of?"
"Hiccups are…um, you know – hiccups!" Eddy scratched his head. "Like when you…uh…"
Edd raised an eyebrow. "What Eddy is so coherently attempting to convey, Rolf, is that Ed is suffering from a physiological reaction caused by the sudden, involuntary contr – "
"Painfully-brainy Ed-boy! Must Rolf shout you into silence yet again?" Rolf glared at the wide-eyed Edd for a long moment before facing Eddy once more. "And you, who cannot even explain to Rolf what it is that these 'hit cups' are! Have you both drunk from the nozzle of uselessness today?" He made shooing motions with his hands. "Away with you before Rolf throws you out like over-boiled potato juice!"
"Sheesh, what's your problem, Rolf? All we want's a little help! Five minutes, tops, that's all we're asking!"
"And, Rolf," Edd took a breath and sped through the rest of his statement before Rolf could interrupt, "once-you've-assisted-us-perhaps-we-could-return-the-favor-by-aiding-you-in-your-current-task?" He ducked behind Eddy.
"What?" Eddy spun around to face Edd. "Forget it, Sock-head! We don't have time to play farmer with Captain Rhubarb here!"
"But Eddy, we have to provide some sort of incentive to Rolf in return for his assistance," Edd whispered back. "I'm simply trying to entice him into providing the aid he clearly does not wish to give us!"
"Oh, is that what you're doing?" Eddy snorted. "Boy, you're doing a great job of 'enticing' him so far, aren't ya, Goose-boy?" His eyes took on a sly glint. "I dunno, Double-D, I think maybe Rolf was right about you with all that 'simple-headed' business…"
"Oh, really?" Edd regarded Rolf indignantly. "Perhaps what Rolf needs is a little more honking, then." After a final agitated glance at Eddy, he put on his most eager expression and walked back up to Rolf. "You know, Rolf, you're missing out on a truly fascinating anatomical phenomenon here! Perhaps we could enlighten you as to the nature of these hiccups? You'd surely be more enthused about witnessing them for yourself if – "
"What? You squawk at Rolf yet again?" Rolf picked up a nearby hoe and brandished it at Edd. "Rolf needs no 'light' from the more-trouble-than-trail-mix Ed-boys! Now leave the farm of Rolf before he – "
Eddy's eyebrows raised as Edd gestured frantically at him. He nodded, then hastened around to Rolf's other side. "But Rolf! Didn't I tell you? We ran into your, uh, nana on the way over here! She says she's found that nose junk of hers after all – you've got plenty of time to help us now!"
"Your lies are sadder than a squid with no arms, overbearing Ed-boy!" Rolf turned towards Eddy, hoe held high. "Prepare your unnaturally square head for a sound thrashing, for Rolf will – "
"Excuse me, Rolf," Edd turned Rolf's attention back on himself, though he stayed well out of reach of the hoe, "you're sure to find this fascinating! Did you know that the medical term for hiccups is singultus? And that – "
"Why should Rolf care what the – "
"Rolf!" Eddy's yell caused Rolf to turn back to him once more. "I forgot to tell ya! Hiccups are, uh, great fertilizer! Help us get them out of Ed and you can have 'em – just think what your farm will – "
"Rolf's farm needs no – "
"Rolf? Have I mentioned that the underlying cause of hiccups seems to stem from – "
Rolf put his hands over his ears. "Silence, please, before – "
"Hey, Rolf! Did you hear? People pay big bucks for a full bag of hiccups! We'll cut you in on – "
"Ed-boys! Cease this – "
"Rolf! Did you know that the longest recorded case of – "
"Rolf! Why don't you – "
"Rolf! – "
"Rolf! – "
"AAAAAGH!!!" Rolf's shrieks echoed around the barnyard, before finally trailing off into odd gurgling noises as he buried his face in his cow's neck. "Great Nano save me from the scourge of the Ed-boys," he whimpered. Several moments later, he straightened back up and faced Edd and Eddy. "Rolf will get no rest until he does this thing you ask, yes?" He sighed. "Very well, Ed-boys, you will have Rolf's help. May the sorrow of a thousand uncomfortable sweaters be yours if Rolf is blamed for his nana's missing nasal ointment."
"Now you're talking! Ed's right over…uh…" Eddy trailed off as he looked around the Ed-less barnyard. "Hey Double-D, where's Ed?"
"Where's Ed? Wasn't he right behind us?" Edd blinked in surprise. "Why, where did he go, at that? I'm afraid I'm quite clueless as to his whereabouts, Eddy."
"Well, get a clue, Sock-head! Go find him, and get a move on, will ya?" Eddy snapped his fingers impatiently. "Rolf doesn't have all day, you know!" As Edd opened his mouth to protest, he quickly added, "Remember the last time we left Ed all alone? You don't want…that…to happen again, do ya?"
Edd shut his mouth, a horrified expression spreading over his face. "My label maker!" He scrambled away at a panicked clip.
Snickering, Eddy turned to Rolf, who sullenly refused to meet his gaze. For a moment, the only sound was the occasional bleat or grunt from the animals. Eddy scratched at the back of his neck. "So, er...what's up, Rolf? You, uh, running some sort of boot camp here or something?"
Rolf frowned. "Rolf's livestock wear no boots, do you not see that?"
"Uh, yeah." Eddy watched as Rolf continued to stare skyward, arms crossed. The silence stretched on. "Well…so…how's that goat of yours doing?" Rolf refused to acknowledge his question; Victor turned unfriendly eyes on him. Eddy coughed uncomfortably. "Uh…and what's been happening with…um…oh, what's that, Double-D?" He cocked his head intently. "Okay, okay, I'm coming!" He turned back to Rolf and rolled his eyes. "You just can't find good help these days, ya know. Don't go anywhere, we'll be right back!"
"Yes, Rolf will be waiting with the eagerness of a hen about to lay her first egg," Rolf replied tonelessly. "Do not dally-the-dilly, for his excitement will be too great for his eyebrows to convey."
"Uh, yeah." With a last uneasy glance at Rolf, Eddy headed off in the direction Edd had gone. He'd nearly made it back to his house before running into his friends.
"Found him, Eddy!" Edd smiled with relief as he led Ed by the sleeve. "It seems Ed became sidetracked by the pursuit of a little heliotropic investigation!"
"In English, Double-D?"
Edd grinned. "I found him on your porch, staring at the sun."
"My eyes – hic! – were chilly, guys!"
"Remind me to explain the dangers of excessive doses of ultraviolet rays, Ed." Edd shook his head. "For now, though, let's see what assistance Rolf can provide, now that he seems more open to the idea of aiding us."
"Open, nothing! We've got him practically turned inside-out!" Eddy grinned at Edd. "Not bad, Sock-head – we'll make an Eddy out of you yet!"
Edd winced. "Heaven forbid – no offense, Eddy, but I don't think the universe could withstand the existence of two of you. For now, let's just concentrate on taking advantage of Rolf's momentary lapse in reasoning, shall we?" He looked almost smug as he added, "'Simple-headed goose,' indeed."
Ed gasped. "Rolf has geese?" He broke into a run before Edd could let go of his sleeve. "Come on, guys, put the pedal to the ice-cream truck! Geese are – hic! – geese are just like chickens, only they are not!" Ed laughed as he raced back towards Rolf's, dragging a desperately protesting Edd behind him. "Duck, duck, duck!"
Eddy watched his friends go, then glanced towards his house. He looked in the direction of Rolf's farm again, then longingly back at his house once more. Finally, he threw up his hands in disgust. "No way will those two bird-brains make any cash off Rolf on their own, Sock-head ain't that much of an Eddy yet." He rolled his eyes. "If they don't get those stupid hiccups cured by the time I get there, though, I'm gonna pluck 'em both…" Grumbling, he headed back to Rolf's.