"Oh boy oh boy!" Ed galloped onwards to Rolf's, Edd clinging to his sleeve. "I want to – hic! – hug a goose, Double-D!"
"Ed, stop! Wait! At your current velocity – ow – " Edd grazed Rolf's fence as Ed ran past, " – the likelihood of causing grievous bodily harm to – oh my – " he looked over his shoulder at the pigs scattering in Ed's wake, " – anyone you might collide with is nearly – " At that moment, Ed bowled into Rolf, sending him flying. "…inevitable." He winced as Rolf landed head-down in the food trough. "Oh dear! Rolf, are you all right?"
Rolf sat up woozily. "Once again you Ed-boys bring unnatural misfortune to Rolf." He wiped pig slop from his face. "Not even the fabled crafters of the over-tight Shoes of Unhappiness cause such discomfort as the wild-cannon Ed-boys."
Edd wrung his hands. "I apologize, Rolf – Ed's over-exuberance is quite impossible to quell at times, I fear." He smiled weakly. "Loveable oaf…"
"Rolf has no love of the oaf, soft-in-the-heart Ed-boy. Bring your train-wreck friend to Rolf so that he might fix these 'hit cups' and be rid of you."
"Oh! Yes, of course, Rolf. Excuse me a moment." Edd ran over to find Ed sticking halfway out of the chicken coop, kicking his legs as he tried to squeeze farther in. "Ed? Please, Ed, you can accost those poor creatures another time – let's go see Rolf now, he may be able to assist you with your hiccu – er, your toadstool affliction."
"My toadstool subscription!" Ed sat straight up, taking half the roof with him. He launched himself towards Rolf. "Rolf! You have – hic! – got to help me! I don't want to be a – hic! – a toadstool pizza!" Hugging Rolf's ankles, he sobbed for long moments before noticing Rolf made no reply. "Rolf?" He looked up.
Rolf's face was drained of color, his pupils shrunk to pinpoints. He stared as though Ed had just devoured his most beloved turnip patch. For several seconds his only response was a constricted gurgling, but then his ear-splitting wail of terror broke the silence. "AAAAAAIIIIGGGHHH!!!!"
Ed looked around in puzzlement. Spotting Edd rushing up to them, he gasped and echoed Rolf's shrieking. "AAAAAAIIIHHHHH!!!"
"Good heavens!" Edd pulled his hat down over his ears. "Gentlemen, please, calm yourselves! What on earth happened?"
Rolf and Ed continued their shrieking until Rolf, with a final choking cry, dropped to the ground and curled up in a ball. Ed stopped yelling immediately. "That was fun, Rolf! Let's do it again!" He sucked in a deep breath.
"No, Ed, that's enough!" Edd sighed in relief as Ed sadly let out his breath. "Whatever were you screaming about?"
"Aw, nothing Double-D, I was just being polite!" Ed chuckled. "Rolf wanted to play 'Banshee Robots from Planet Cassidy'!"
"Yes, well, I commend you on your manners, Ed, but I don't believe Rolf was playing – he seemed genuinely frightened of something!" Edd knelt beside Rolf and put a hand on his shoulder. "Rolf? Rolf! Can you hear me?"
Rolf rocked back and forth, eyes locked on Ed. "It is the curse of the angry Gnip-Gnop!" He pulled what looked to be an extremely large duckbill from his pocket and held it up protectively. "May the ancestors have mercy on Rolf's head, for it is doomed like sour cheddar!"
Eddy came running up at that moment. "What the heck's going on? I could hear you – "
"Eddy!" Ed knocked Eddy over in his excitement. "You missed it Eddy! Me and Rolf were being evil banshee robots – only Double-D says Rolf wasn't playing – " He gasped. "Oh no! Do you think that means Rolf really is a banshee, Eddy?"
"Shut up, Ed, I – " Eddy blinked. "Hey, Burr-head! You said all that without a hiccup!"
"I did?" Ed bent double to put an ear to his stomach. "Guys! I don't hear the toadstools anymore!" He sprang up and ran circles around Eddy. "I am cured! Oh happy day! Gone are the mushroom spores!" Suddenly he stopped, his eyes beginning to water. "I will miss them so…"
Edd glanced up from where he still knelt by Rolf. "Why, congratulations, Ed! Perhaps a good bout of primal scream therapy was just what you needed to dislodge those stubborn hiccups!" Pausing, he scratched his head. "I suppose it is possible, if a trifle convenient…"
Eddy eyed Ed dubiously. "Whatever, at least it's shut him up!" Stomping over to where Rolf lay on the ground, he hauled Edd to his feet. "And what the heck happened here, eh Sock-head? What'd you do to Rolf?"
"Me? I didn't do anything!" Edd cast a worried look back down at Rolf. "He flew into this state of shock when he encountered Ed – hiccups must be a rare phenomenon in his culture, Eddy, perhaps even one that serves as the harbinger of some apocalyptic event!"
"Guys, I think Rolf's broken!" Ed nudged Rolf with his toe.
"Broken, maybe," Eddy said with a slowly-widening grin, "but I bet he ain't broke!"
"Eddy!" Edd looked appalled. "How can you even think of money at a time like this? Rolf's nearly catatonic with fright – why, just look at him, Eddy!"
Rolf's eyes were squeezed tightly shut, and he was whispering in a language that sounded like pudding being sucked up through a straw. Eddy snorted.
"Looks like Grade-A Sucker material if you ask me." He picked Rolf up by the shoulders. "Hey Rolf, wake up! We ain't got all day!" Ignoring Edd's shocked protests, he shook him vigorously.
"By the yodeling yak that watches us all!" Eyes still squeezed tightly shut, Rolf clung to Eddy. "Rolf begs of you, save him from the accursed Ed-boy!"
Eddy raised an eyebrow. "Man, he's really scared!" His grin returned. "Really scared!"
Edd put a hand up to his head. "I don't suppose your current interest in Rolf has anything to do with humanitarian purposes, does it Eddy."
"I don't ever wanna hear the words 'Eddy' and 'humanitarian' in the same sentence again, got that Double-D?" Eddy's grin grew even wider as he turned back to Rolf, the familiar sound of cash registers ca-chinging in his ears. He could practically taste the jawbreakers already – maybe there was hope for the day, after all…