Disclaimer: I own no one in this story. At all. So stop asking me for them.
Dear Chakotay:
It's always been easier for me to write these things down. That doesn't mean that I have any idea where to start, or even if this will make any sense.
So many things over the past seven years have brought us closer together. Equally, so many things have almost pushed us apart. Almost is the key word there. We never really let too many things get in the way of our friendship, and even if they did, we quickly realized our fault and corrected it.
That friendship has been, probably the one sustaining factor these last seven years. Without you by my side, so many things would have gotten the better of me. There were so many times where you were the one that pulled me though, even when you weren't a where of it. Times when I found myself slipping away and you would show up, with that ever so perfect timing of yours, and invite me to the holodeck, or for dinner. Sometimes all it would take is looking over and seeing you sitting next to me smiling that wonderful smile of yours. That smile got me though more rough periods of time then you will ever know.
There would be times when I found myself drifting off. Wondering if there would ever be a chance for me to get our crew home and wondering if I would mess it up again by doing something righteous and pigheaded. Always second guessing myself. But then you would smile that smile, and suddenly I knew that whatever needed to be done I would have your support. Even if we didn't agree.
So many things had to be done. Nothing broke my heart more than leaving New Earth. Not even when I was told about Seven and your relationship. When we left New Earth, I hurt both of us by deciding that, even under the unusual circumstances, we couldn't not have an intimate relationship while on board Voyager. At least with Seven I knew you were happy.
I wonder though that if by setting those boundaries we actually developed more of of an intimate relationship. We were able to get to know each other deeply with no strings attached. There were things we told each other that no one else knew. You were the only one I ever felt safe with. You are the only one I feel safe with.
After a while I think there was more in a simple touching of hands then was in a million kisses. Not to say I wouldn't have minded those kisses. We just said m ore with that touch.
It was strange when we got back to Earth. I was so used to having you beside me, that not having you there left me feeling…empty. I had no one left to talk to. No one who knew me anyway. People change in seven years. People that knew me before we were lost, don't know me anymore, and I don't think anyone ever knew me the way you did.
Still, I tried my best to get though everything knowing that if you were there you wouldn't let me give up simply because I was lonely. You never let me give up on the big things, why should the little things be different?
It became hard Chakotay. So hard. I never realized what I had carried with me until I was given the opportunity to think about it. Once that started the nightmares came. In the nightmares, this was the dream. And I would wake up realizing that I never got my crew home. That there was never any crew to get home, and that there was never a Caretaker that pulled the two ships to the Delta quadrant. I would be walking around Starfleet headquarters feeling as though something was horribly wrong, but never figuring it out because I had never met you. You were never in my life to make me feel complete. Never in my life. Those words frighten me Chakotay. More than anything. Andnd now that we are home, we haven't had much contact. They've kept us busy. But they shouldn't have been able to. I don't think I ever realized how much I needed you in my life, so I let them keep us busy and apart.
I guess this is my apology letter. For not keeping in touch, for not realizing I need to. Also for never giving in.
How often do two people, that are meant to be together, find each other?
I know how much I need you now Chakotay. And maybe it's too late for something more, but I do know I need your friendship, and you presence in my life.
Love always
Kathryn Janeway