"Eddy, please!" Edd interposed himself between Eddy and Rolf. "Dig down deeply and unearth what little conscience you possess! You simply can't exploit Rolf's traumatized condition like – "
Eddy scowled impatiently as Edd's all-too-familiar protests continued. Suddenly, he brightened. Digging through his pockets, he pulled out a weighty hardback book.
" – And the psychological scars could…uh…could…" Edd paused. "Is that my 'Encyclopedia for the Precociously Brilliant', Eddy?"
"Yup." Eddy dangled the book over the nearby pig wallow. "Volume B, too – how're you ever gonna look up 'Blather' now, Sock-head?"
"Oh, please." Edd tried to look nonchalant. "Surely you don't think to dissuade me from assisting poor Rolf simply because you – EDDY, NO!!" He dove towards the book as Eddy let go, saving it from the mud but failing to clear the pit himself.
"I knew swiping that book would come in handy someday." Eddy snickered as Edd scrambled out of the wallow and wiped frantically at his mud-covered clothes, his concern for Rolf momentarily forgotten. "Now maybe I can get back to business." Eddy's sly grin stretched impossibly wide as he turned to Rolf, who lay mumbling in terror on the ground. "Hey Rolf, for the right price I could save you from the 'evil Ed Curse' – whaddya say?"
Rolf nodded eagerly. "Yes, one-track Ed-boy, you may have all that is Rolf's if you save him from this scourge!" Without hesitation, he emptied his pockets at Eddy's feet.
"Oh, congratulations, Eddy." An only slightly less-muddy Edd rolled his eyes as Eddy dropped to his knees and sifted through Rolf's belongings. "Your quick-witted machinations have earned us an entire ball of goat-hair, a – oh my – a chewed…toenail – "
"Mine!" Ed leapt into the pile and scooped up the toenail.
Edd went somewhat green as he watched Ed nibble happily on his newfound treasure. "Y-yes, well, moving on…Let's see…oh, it looks as though we're also now the proud possessors of – " Blinking in surprise, he leaned in for a better look. "Why, Rolf! Is that your grandmother's nasal lubricant?"
Rolf gasped and snatched back the jar. His lower lip quivered as he looked between the jar and the Eds. "You have uncovered Rolf's great shame! It is indeed he who has stolen Nana's jar of nasal relief, for the eels it contains are too delicious for Rolf to resist!" He held his arms up to the sky. "Forgive this unworthy son of a shepherd and spare him your vengeance, all-knowing Gnip-Gnops of the Righting of Wrongness!" Dropping the jar, he collapsed in tears.
"Rolf? Rolf!" Edd was aghast. "Oh, now look what we've done!" Twisting his shirttail between his hands, he started towards Rolf, but was halted immediately. He frowned at Eddy's hand on his shoulder. "Eddy, do you mind? Isn't it bad enough that we've reduced poor Rolf to tears, now you want to deny him reassurance for his guilty conscience as well?"
"Oh, we'll reassure him, all right," Eddy's free hand clenched as though grasping bright new coins. "What's a good, uh, reassurer go for these days, anyway? A quarter? Fifty cents?" He squirmed with excitement. "A dollar?"
"Absolutely not!" Edd jerked free of Eddy. "We've inflicted more than enough misery on Rolf for one day, Eddy! I'm going to offer him what comfort I can, for free, and then we are all going to leave him in peace!" Ignoring the faces Eddy made at him, Edd turned to Rolf and patted him awkwardly. "Th-there, there, Rolf, I'm sure your grandmother will understand – why, we'll simply return those ill-gotten goods and – "
"No!" Rolf reeled away from Edd. "Nana cannot find out! If Rolf's foul deed were uncovered, he would surely be sold to the Wooly-Faced Sheep Shearers and forced to live the life of a lowly mutton licker!"
"Oh come now, Rolf, surely your grandmother would – your grandmother would…uh...excuse me, please." Edd turned, distracted by Eddy's insistent tapping at his shoulder. "Eddy, have I not made myself clear? Rolf's in desperate need of support! Whatever it is you want, I'm afraid it will just have to wait!"
"It'll only take a second, Double-D – I just need you to hold this pig for me." He nudged Ed.
"Hold this pig? Why in heaven's name – " Edd's words were cut off with an 'oof!' as Ed cheerfully unloaded Wilfred into his arms, sending him crashing to the ground. "Ed!" Edd tugged at his arms, now pinned under a complacently-seated Wilfred. "Um, Ed? Eddy? I can't – I can't seem to get free, could I get a little assistance please?"
"Don't worry, Sock-head, I'll get ya out – right after I reassure Rolf!" Eddy snickered as he sidled up to Rolf and slung an arm around his shoulders. "Now that the conscience police is out of action, let's talk business, Rolfy-boy!" He put on a sympathetic face. "So you don't want 'Nana' to know what you did, huh?"
Rolf sighed. "Yes, see-through Ed-boy, Rolf knows what it is you want." He reached into his sock. "Shiny new quarters for the keeping of Rolf's secret, yes?"
"Why, Rolf!" Eddy looked shocked. "I'd never rat on ya! You don't need to pay me to keep my mouth shut!"
"Have the artichokes started to speak? Have Papa's enormous feet grown small and dainty? What could be wrong with the world that the single-minded Ed-boy would not seek to gain riches at Rolf's expen – "
"Hold on, I'm not finished. I'm not gonna rat on ya..." Eddy leaned in close, "…but I can't say the same for Big-Mouth Ed over there!"
"Oink!" Ed perched atop Wilfred and beamed down at Edd. "I think Wilfred likes you, Double-D!" He jumped as Eddy delivered as swift kick to his rear. "Oh yeah!" He hopped off and tapped Eddy on the shoulder. "Psst! Hey Eddy! Did Rolf hear what you did?"
Eddy slapped a hand to his face. "Try again, Monobrow."
"Uh…did you hear what Double-D did?" Ed gasped and looked back towards Wilfred. "Double-D, what did you do?"
"Arrrgh!" Eddy clapped a hand over Ed's mouth, pulled him close, and said in his most Ed-ish voice, "Hey Eddy, did you hear what Rolf did?" After releasing Ed, he turned back to Rolf. "Gee, Rolf, with a blabbermouth like Ed around, it'll be awfully hard for you to keep that secret of yours!" He grinned a familiar grin. "Of course, for a small fee I could try to keep him quiet for ya!"
Rolf heaved a sigh. "Your shenanigans grow staler than Nana's breath on Cabbage Dumpling Day, and Rolf must soon begin the Seven Sorrows of the Guilt-Ridden Dirt-Wallower." He pulled three quarters out of his shoe. "Here, lumpish Ed-boy, ill-gotten riches for you." Handing a quarter to Ed, he next turned to Eddy. "And riches for the weasel-in-the-grass Ed-boy." Eddy snatched the quarter out of Rolf's hands. "And riches for the – " Rolf frowned and looked around. "Where is the know-it-all Ed-boy?"
"Uh, d-down here, Rolf..."
Rolf squinted suspiciously at Edd. "Rolf would demand to know what you do to his pig, head-of-the-egg Ed-boy," he raised his hand in a silencing gesture as Edd began to stammer out a response. "But he has no heart for your ceaseless ramblings now." Yanking Edd free of Wilfred, he set him down and handed him the last quarter. "Please, take your undeserved riches and your unbearable friends and leave the farm of Rolf. Come, Wilfred, we must prepare the Yams of Shame." He trudged back into his barn, Wilfred at his heels.
Edd held one hand to his stomach and hunched over queasily. "Ah yes, I was wondering when the guilt pangs would kick in."
Eddy paid him no mind. "Three whole quarters," he breathed, holding his own quarter reverently. "Do you know how many nickels – how many jawbreakers – that is?"
"If we had a nickel for every quarter we have, we'd have – uh – " Ed counted his fingers several times. "Does anybody have a ham I could borrow?"
Eddy continued staring at his newfound cash. "Three whole quarters," he repeated, "just for not doing something!" Pocketing his quarter, he sat down and drew numbers in the dirt. "Three quarters for not telling one secret...times...all the other kids in the cul-de-sac..." He finished his equation with three large dollar signs. "Bingo!" He leapt to his feet. "Double-D! Do you still have all those files you keep on everyone?"
An incredulous look crossed Edd's face, the guilt pangs forgotten. "You want my dossiers so you can blackmail our fellow cul-de-sac inhabitants for your own personal gain?" He regarded Eddy narrowly for a moment before finally letting out a deep, shrugging sigh. "Why, certainly Eddy, let's go retrieve them."
"Oh, come on, Double-D, why do I always gotta spend half my time talking you into anything we – uh…" Eddy's lips moved soundlessly as he replayed the last few moments of the conversation. He blinked. "Hang on, you mean you're gonna help, just like that? I don't need to convince you or anything?"
Edd glanced down at his muddy shirt, at his arms covered in Wilfred's hoof-prints, then looked back to Eddy. "If by 'convincing' me, Eddy, you mean coercing my cooperation through your customary repertoire of underhanded deception, thoughtless manipulation of my sensitive nature, and pure brute force, well, I believe I've had quite enough of that for one day, thank you." He waved one hand in a careless gesture. "At any rate, I believe precedent indicates that this ill-conceived plan will self-implode well before we cross that line between unethical behavior and anything that's expressly illegal. And I really need to wash." He strolled off towards home. "Shall we, gentlemen?"
"But…" Eddy watched him go, a look of perplexed disappointment on his face. "But – what about the deception? The manipulation! What about the brute force?" He trailed off, sulking, as he nudged a nearby tree stump with his toe. "Those are my favorite parts…"
"Do you think mustard has feelings, Eddy?"
"Shut up, – " Eddy paused. "Ed!" He sidled up to Ed. "Oh Ed? Did you know Double-D's got a whole room full of buttered toast back at his house?"
Ed blinked. "He does?"
"Yeah!" Moving on to 'manipulation' mode, he worked up a few quick tears and added, "And – and he made it just for you, Big Guy! You don't want to hurt his feelings by sticking around here, do you?"
"Boy, Eddy, that would be sad!" Ed sniffled.
"Yeah, sad." Mentally ticking off the first two boxes on his checklist, he grabbed Ed by the collar. "Now get a move on, will ya? We ain't got all day!" After a few moments of furious tugging, he finally got Ed moving. He managed to grin and frown simultaneously as he dragged him off after Edd. Somehow it wasn't quite the same, but it would do.
He sighed happily. A pocket full of quarters, his two favorite suckers all set to work, and a new sure-fire scam that would have him rolling in jawbreakers by suppertime – and it was all thanks to him and his own brilliant ideas. Maybe he oughta snag that encyclopedia back from Double-D for a few quick fixes when he got the chance – after all, somebody needed to be sure he was listed in it under the 'Big Shot' section…