Why Turel Wasn't Present
By
Evelin The Winged, Advisor to the Cucumber Lord
ETW: *Takes a bite out of a cucumber* I have a plan! I shall kill the Cucumber Lord, that way, I shall rule! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!! \_/
The People: O.o
ETW: WHAT?! I just killed the Potato Lord a couple of days ago! Think I can't handle this?
Random Person: But you're eating him right now.
ETW: *look's at the cucumber and notices a little screaming mouth* So I am!! SEE?! I KILLED HIM!!! *takes another bite*
BO2 Kain: OK, so you killed a couple of veggies, but I doubt you can kill the Sarafan Lord!
ETW: I'm your father-I mean I'm an author! I can easily kill him! All authors can!!! Watch this! *turn's into Umah*
BO2 Kain: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! *run's out and comes back with SR2 Kain* Here, take him! *run's out*
ETW: *turn's back and look's at SR2 Kain* What should I turn into?
SR2 Kain: I'm busy!
ETW: No your not. Their probably not even done with the demo and all that stuff yet for SR3 and I doubt that they'll make a BO3, so tough.
SR2 Kain: But wouldn't you wanna play with a prefallen version of Raziel?
ETW: Yeah, but you'd be sitting on your ass the whole time giving out orders, so I doubt that that would be a BO3 then…It could be Soul Reaver 0 though, like Resident Evil 0*suddenly disappears and Vamp Raziel appears-and takes a bite out of what remains of the Cucumber Lord.*
SR2 Kain: Is that an illusion, or did you actually turn-
ETW: It's an illusion, DUH. *takes another bite* And I'm gonna stay like this until-
SR2 Kain: Until you get one wish?
ETW: Well no duh!
SR2 Kain: And your wish is…?
ETW: Tell me what happens in the beginning of SR3?
SR2 Kain: Hehehe, you'll have to wait and see! *gets hit in the face with a potato* OW!
ETW: Then tell The People what this goddamn fic is about, you sphincter.
SR2 Kain: Isn't Raziel or Turel supposed to do this?
ETW: NOW!!! :-(
SR2 Kain: Ok, ok…This stupid fic-*a knife is held against his throat* this wonderful fic tells us why Turel didn't appear in SR1-HAPPY?! *gets a cucumber stuck in his eye* HEY!
ETW: I hate cucumbers.
Random Person: Then why do you eat them?
ETW: BECAUSE I'M THE NEW CUCUMBER LORD NOW THAT I KILLED THE OLD ONE!!!!
Random Person: You mean Lady? *gets shot in the head*
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Music start's to play-ice cream truck music from GTA 3.
ETW: WAIT!!! STOP THE MUSIC!!! I forgot…*changes back* OK! You can start now!...Just leave out the music…
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One day, the day before Raziel became a Soul Reaver, Turel was watching X Files on TV with Morlock.
Turel: Ooohh!!! Creepy!!! That guy's lost his skin!
Morlock: And the way he kills people reminds me of the Reapers in Blade 2!
Turel: And his eyes are completely white!
Morlock: That's X-files, for ye!
Turel: LOOK! Another alien! It's got freaky glowing green eyes! Wait…I saw one in my dream last night! *suddenly scratches his butt and discovers the truth* OH NO!!!
Morlock: What?
Turel: *pick's up phone* I must call Kain!
Kain (sitting on his ass on the throne): *his mobile is suddenly heard ringing to the tune of 'Freestyler'* *pick's it up* Yello? 'Ey, Turel!
Turel: Kain, I think I was given an anal probe last night!
Kain: Oh pshaw, pshaw! Yeah, anal probe, riiiight. And who may these aliens be?
Turel: I remember their green eyes…
Kain: GREEN EYES?! I mean…yeah, right, sure, whatever…*hangs up on Turel* *to himself*This is gonna suck.
Turel: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE HUNG UP ON ME!!!!
Morlock: *Thinking that Turel went coo-coo* Gotta go guard the Tomb now, bye Mr. T. *leaves*
Turel: *calling after him* That's Mr.'Turel' to you, foo'!
A grey skinny thing with green glowing eyes and a crest appears in front of him.
?\_/?: Greetings…Nosgothling(?). We have come for ye.
Turel: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*get's dragged away* WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?!
?\_/?: Hylden! *big grin*
Turel: Ok…*call's Kain again* KAIN!
Hylden 1: What the fuck did you say, you fag-bag?!
Turel: *to Hylden 1* Rain. *on the phone* THEY GOT ME!!!
Kain: *annoyed* OK, OK, whatever! Keep your pants dry, for god's sake-can you spare a few days?
Turel: Why?!
Kain: I'm gonna be very busy tomorrow-running around Nosgoth. You know my Soul Reaver?
Turel: Yeah?
Kain: That's your older brother in the future-I gotta fix this-see why I' so busy?
Turel: *confused* NO!
Kain: Oh well, then-BYE! See you soon. *hang's up on him again*
Turel: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *phone is suddenly taken from him* HEY!
Hylden 1: No phones allowed where we're goin'
Hylden 2: Yep.
* * *
During the empty time waiting for SR3 to come out…
Raziel: *look's at Reaver* I need help getting this thing off me.
Kain: *suddenly appears* OK, I got another annoying phone call from your stupid brother-you need to go save him.
Raziel: But that thing will get me!
Kain: What thing?
Raziel: This THING stuck to my arm-ARE YOU BLIND?!
Kain: Sort of-I thaught that the redial button was the thing that let's you hang up on people-made me talk to Turel again and listen to his endless whining.
Raziel: So he need's my help?
Kain: Pretty much.
Raziel: GOOD! I CAN KILL HIM BY NOT GOING TO HIM! *insane laugh*
Kain: *backing away from him* You feeling ok?
Raziel: NO. I'll only rescue Turel AFTER I have my vacation! *a backpack suddenly appears and he picks it up and begins to leave* I need a shrink too-see ya.
Kain: But, like Amy said, "He is a critical piece to the puzzle!"
Raziel: VACATION FIRST, SAVING NOSGOTH LATER!!! *leaves*
Kain: … *is left alone in the spectral realm* This place stinks. *shift's back to Material*
Vacation while CD is busy making SR3…
Raziel ( is at a nice beach full of wraiths like him and people that died like Magnus, Marcus, Sebastian, Umah, yadda, yadda, yadda.):*wearing sunglasses* ^_^
Umah: *looking at him again*
Raziel: *gets scared again* W-what?! Eh?!
Umah: *goes back to what she is doing* …
Raziel: I'm on vacation, so if you don't mind-BACK OFF!!!
Umah: 0_0!
Raziel: :{
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Evelin: OK…just a little bonus chapter…yeah…
Raziel: Just what I need-vacation.
Evelin: Have fun. :-)
Raziel: Bye. *tries to go and throw water on Umah* \_/
Evelin: :-) How nice, torturing the vampire who tried to get his dad's attention-what a pleasant scene-
Umah: *bloodcurdling scream is heard* IT BURN'S!!! GOD HELP ME!!!
Evelin: *evil smile* \_/
Evelin: Well, that's all for now, folks. VERY BIG portions of land to rule over and godly powers to be given to those who review!!! PLUS, first person to review will get a chance to have Moebius for a day! The poor old man! *hold's staff up*