What If/ In the End
Here I stand-alone with this weight upon my heart,
And it will not go away.
In my head I keep on looking back,
Right back to the start,
Wondering what it was that made you change?
Well I tried but I had to draw the line,
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind.
They say I'm crazy, maybe I am, I can't tell anymore, I never could tell after Gaea not really at least. I play over what happened in my head sometimes and I even think its crazy… anyone would. I had no proof of what happened besides my memory… not even of him… not even a god damn picture… hell I don't even know if he's married or for that matter alive. I haven't seen him in years, not like it matters much, and I don't want him to see me not now at least. What would my friends on Gaea think if they knew… me Hitomi Kanzaki… terminally insane due to traumatic experiences along with a severe case of enema causing hallucinations. They'd pity me I suppose; Merle would probable laugh… I rather that then pity… I couldn't take that from them especially from him… Van. He was my savior and my killer, I love him or least I did once, I'm not sure of anything anymore, which why I had to give him up.
What if I had never let you go?
Would you be the man I used know, If
I'd stayed, if you tried, if we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know.
Van and I had a special link I guess you could call it that, basically we can or could talk to each other through our minds, but that was years ago before the hospitalization and my 2nd suicide attempt since Mika, my twin, committed suicide all those years ago. When I was 17 I cut off the link because I realized it wasn't fair to either of us, we were stealing time I guess. So I cut the link, not even properly I never said goodbye or anything, it was like one day it was there and the next it wasn't, mainly because I couldn't say goodbye… just like I never said goodbye to any of the others. He tried contacting me for awhile but then all attempts stopped, I think he got the message and moved on. It's better this way… I think… but I can't help but wonder what if? What if I never left, and stayed with him, I almost did… I wanted to but he just said no, well not exactly no but he wouldn't have asked me to stay that just wasn't like Van. Which is what I love about him… always the hero running in and making sure your happiness is above his own. Mind you I'm 22 now and have no right to say I love him anymore.
Many roads to take,
Some to joy some to heartache
Anyone can lose their way.
And if I said that we could turn it back,
Right back to the start,
Would you take the chance and make the change.
Do you think how it would have been sometimes?
Do you pray that I'd never left your side?
My parents died last year in a car crash to visit me at the Sakura temple facility for the mentally ill which is where I was sent after I had swallowed an entire bottle of sleeping pills with Vodka. It is nice here, other then the fact I'm not allowed alone with anything sharp and or pointy, including the plastic silverware at dinner. I can't even take a bath alone incase I drown myself and don't even get me started on the fact I'm not allowed to shave my own legs but a nurse has to do it for me. But then here I met Tara, my best friend… she's a little wild and sneaks off a lot but at least she doesn't talk to her hand or think its the end of the world and we must save the frogs. Because of her we have a full time nurse around which kinda sucks but then when we do break free its heaven.
What if I had never let you go?
Would you be the man I used know,
If I'd stayed, if you tried,
If we could only turn back time,
But I guess we'll never know.
The more I think about it, the more I believe I am crazy. And I doubt what I thought I knew. I have no one here that cares if I do die, except Tara and Fumi our nurse. They love me in a way, not like my family did but then their dead and that's it. I keep living for them I suppose.
"TOMI" a girl shouted from the door
"What? Tara" I respond slowly
"Fumi, went to the lavatory and won't be back for a few minutes, we can get out if we hurry!" exclaimed an over excited Tara.
"Let me pack a few things and them let's get the hell out of this dump" I call back, grabbing a bag I start tossing things in.
"Just hurry and pack some stuff for me too, I'll get the security out of the way!" she says as she pulls a can of black spray paint out of her baggy T-shirt, so she can paint over the security cameras.
If only we could turn the hands of time.
If I could take it back would you still be mine.
Cuz I tried but I had to draw the line,
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind.
About two or three seconds later I walk out of or room carrying two duffel bags, my green one and Tara's electric blue one which matched her eyes. Tara is 5'7" inches to my 5'6" and has long wavy black hair with blue tips that match her eyes; she unlike me is overly endowed with breasts as she jokes could be used as a shelf. As for me I grew a little taller and am still in my opinion a hobbit compared to the rest of the world. My hair is the same sandy brown but comes past my shoulders in little curls and I still have my green eyes, but at least I have a chest now… not huge but its there… around a C cup. Fumi is around my height and has chin length brown hair, stubborn grey eyes and is stick like in body structure.
"Are you coming?" Tara asks sweetly as she walks in, taking her duffel bag out of my hands.
"Yep!" I smile back as we link arms and skip out towards the main door and freedom.
What if I had never let you go?
Would you be the man I used know,
What if I had never walked away?
Cuz I still love you more than I can say
If I'd stayed, if you tried,
If we could only turn back time,
But I guess we'll never know.
"Girls?" questioned Fumi as she walks out of the Lavatory around 2 minutes after they leave.
As the nurse enters the girls' room her face instantly fell, "not AGAIN!" she moans when she realizes they escaped for the 4th time that week. Grabbing her coat, some clothes and some medical supplies she runs out the door after them.
We'll never know
As Fumi catches up to them in a matter of minutes an all too familiar light catches them and lifts them into the heavens.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
On Gaea
It starts with
One thing,
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme to explain in due time
All I know is that
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know I wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside
And even though I tried
It all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when
Van stared dismally at his advisors, as they told him how to run his country. What was the point anymore? He had lost out… on every chance of happiness and that happened when his Hitomi had left him, his Hitomi he laughed bitterly… she wasn't his anything, she had made that perfectly clear when she had shut their link. He kept hoping that it had been a fluke and she hadn't wanted to shut him out but as the years past that hope vanished into the dust.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter
"Your Majesty?" a terrified little councilman inquired
"What?" he demanded harshly, he was bored and wanted nothing more then to be left alone.
"Just, one more thing on the agenda it concerned the matter of… umm… your choosing a bride." Quaked the man
"How many times do I have to tell you I will marry only for love and only when I see fit!" he roared and stood up knocking over his chair in the process.
"Yes sire, but it is obvious that the clairvoyant from the Phantom Moon is not going to come back… perhaps it is time to move on?" spoke a more bold member of his council.
"If you ever say that again I will have you hung, meeting CLOSED" he growled and made his way toward the graveyard.
One thing,
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind i designed this rhyme to remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so [far]
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me in the end
I kept everything inside
And even though I tried
It all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when
* Mean While *
I sit up slowly trying not to move too much as I have been trained to do after I pass out. Maybe I should consider the medication the doctors are always trying to shove down my throat, because falling over all the time is not a good idea, at least, not in public places where people can see me.
"What the fuck?" mutters Tara groggily as she slowly sits up.
"What did I say 'bout swearing Tara?" I reprimand calmly, mainly because she knows I hate that kind of language.
"Tomi, dear there are two moons in the sky. Now I know I'm considered insane but even I can tell that is not supposed to happen, so I think I should be allowed to swear if I fucking want to!" she hollers back
I wince at the sound of the word, and attempt to stand and only manage to topple over Fumi who is still passed out.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end,
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter
Van walked around the gardens heading toward the graveyard where his family was buried, he needed to think and that was the only place of peace he had left. As he neared the gate he caught strands of a conversation-taking place.
"Tomi, dear there are two moons in the sky. Now I know I'm considered insane but even I can tell that is not supposed to happen, so I think I should be allowed to swear if I fucking want to!"
Tomi… who the hell was Tomi and what were these people doing in the graveyard… only people who had his permission could go in there. Drawing his sword he advanced slowly.
I put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know
I turned around slowly from my position on the ground and turn to face an odd noise coming from the opposite direction.
"Van?" Is all I could stay before…
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There's only one thing you should know
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter
A/N- sorry it took so long for this chapter to come out… but here it is and the songs used were In the End by Linkin Park and What If by Kate Winslet which I don't own the rights too along with the rights to Escaflowne. If I did own Escaflowne why would be writing fan fiction it would be the sequel. Anyway later days