The Miracle Child
Chapter VI
Paige concentrated hard on her task. After a moment of uncertainty, she let her emotions guide her and she could feel the power flowing out of her and toward the two unfortunate victims. Even so, after almost a whole minute neither one stirred, and as if her fear of failure wasn't enough, she could also sense the fear both Cole and Phoebe expressed louder than words beside her. At the same time, she sensed something else; something very disturbing but that she couldn't identify clearly. However, she set all this aside and redoubled her efforts, while concentrating on one thought above all others: she couldn't let Piper and Patrick die.
Cole watched with a painful knot in his stomach. After all the losses he'd already experienced, to have found his son only to watch him die was almost too much to bear. He knew that the baby was barely his son, but his heart was going to him nevertheless. Until this moment, he had never realized how much it hurt to have lost his chance at fatherhood. Even though he didn't believe he would get to do much of what a father does with a son, he still wanted him to have a chance at life. Cole stared nervously with growing despair, as the seconds went by with no apparent result.
Meanwhile, Phoebe was paralyzed by an intense fear. She wanted her son to live but she was also afraid of what he might become. Although she saw the powers being drained out of him, there was no guaranty that he was the innocent she hoped for. It made her pain all the more acute to fear and love this baby all at once. However, even with her doubts, she wanted him to be saved as she watched her sister anxiously.
Leo stood up and took in the scene impassibly. After observing the small group in the cage for a few seconds, he lifted his hand toward them slowly.
In the cage, even as Paige began to think that it was hopeless, Piper's eyelids fluttered open, to her utter relief. She heard Phoebe's strangled exclamation, but this one soon fell silent again as the baby was still unmoving. Paige concentrated all she had on him next, and the glowing light coming from her hand intensified over the frail little chest.
That's when an exclamation of rage broke her concentration. All of them turned toward the startling sound with horrified expressions.
"These were my powers, you son of a bitch. Give them back to me!" Charles was screaming even as he tried to pick himself off the floor painfully.
Leo had already built a large fireball in his left palm and he turned toward the former demon disdainfully. "Come and get them," he mocked coldly.
"Leo?" Phoebe called incredulously, as her eyes darted between this new threat and the baby still unconscious.
"Your Leo is gone," Leo uttered in the same cold voice. "And now, it's high time to get rid of you all." He returned his attention to them at this moment and prepared to throw the fireball, but thankfully, he was distracted by Charles coming at him angrily. Without hesitation, Leo changed his aim and threw the fireball directly at Cole's brother, who died in a fiery blast, while still screaming more out of rage than pain. Even before Charles had turned to cinder, Leo was already building the next projectile in his palm, but before he could do anything, Cole grabbed Phoebe and imperatively instructed Paige to orb the others. The fireball missed them by very little and went to hit the inside of the cage, exploding violently.
Seeing this, Leo screamed madly, looking up at the ceiling as if he was going to follow them. However, he suddenly calmed down and a spark of white light shone in his eyes. Leo shook his head and shut his eyelids tightly together. "No," he uttered calmly after a moment, as he relaxed visibly and opened his eyes. "Don't get your hopes up little Whitelighter. You were never that strong to start with. You don't stand a chance against me. But feel free to try. I'll enjoy feeling your pain." As soon as his sinister monologue ended, Leo went to grab the book and he flamed out…
~~~~~~
Cole and Phoebe materialized in the sunroom just ahead of Paige and the others. As soon as they were all there, Phoebe ran toward Paige and Piper, and then was astounded and relieved beyond words to hear her son's cries.
"Oh my god," she exclaimed in a teary voice. Then Phoebe suddenly remembered that this had come at a terrible price as she took in Piper's expression. This one was still too weak to even utter a sound, but the immense pain she felt was made abundantly clear through her eyes welling with tears. "I'm so sorry Piper…" was all Phoebe could say then.
All of them understood without the need for explanations what just happened. However, no one said anything more, even as Piper kept her arms wrapped around her small infant with the little strength she had regained. She knew that this child was in no way the link to Leo she wished he was, but at the same time, they both loved him. For a moment, as Phoebe came closer, she feared that her sister would express the wish to hold her baby, but whether Phoebe changed her mind on her own, or because of the distress she saw on Piper's face, she still stepped away without a word.
Paige was almost paralysed by exhaustion and the shock. When she was finally convinced that both Piper and Patrick were fine, she sat heavily on the floor of the sun room. Her mind was a blank, as she couldn't begin to comprehend the depth of the drama that just shook all their lives. She sensed big tears rolling down her cheeks but she couldn't be certain if it was the intense physical strain on her or her emotions that evoked them.
Phoebe had fled Cole's grasp as soon as they materialized and now, he was standing away from them, relieved that his son was alive but also plagued with a lot of other conflicting emotions. He had just seen his brother's demise and Leo being lost to evil. Cole couldn't help the terrible guilt that invaded him at this. Could he have done something to prevent the worst, he questioned himself sombrely. Maybe it was his fault from the start. If only he had been strong enough to resist the Source in the first place… Maybe Phoebe was right to be so weary of him. He gave one last look at his son in Piper's arms and then he walked away. He was already in the foyer when Phoebe caught up with him.
"Where are you going?" she called anxiously.
"Don't you think I've done enough damage here?" Cole answered bitterly without turning toward her.
"What are you talking about?" Phoebe questioned hesitantly.
Cole chuckled sadly before answering. "I can hear the doubts in your voice even now Phoebe. I had resolved to leave today. I believe it's still the best solution for all of us."
"What about…" Phoebe stopped abruptly. "What about Leo and Patrick," she pursued more soberly.
"I'm sure you'll deal with it a lot better without me. Isn't that what you told me? That you didn't need me around to mess up your life? Well, I'm granting you your wish Phoebe."
"You mean…" Phoebe inhaled sharply before continuing. "You mean; you're giving up? You…"
"I mean I finally get that it's over Phoebe. Took me long enough, I'll admit." Cole answered while finally turning to her. As he watched her, Cole thought that it wasn't as painful as he had believed it would be. Maybe he was numb because of the tragedy. Or maybe, his resolve of that morning wasn't as fragile as he had feared. However, as confident as he was, when Phoebe spoke, the numbing started to wear off immediately.
"I…it's hard to believe," Phoebe uttered uncertainly.
Cole smiled sadly. "I guess it was inevitable…"
"Somehow, this is not what I imagined would happen…"
Cole observed her closely for a moment longer, and then he let out a short derisive laughter. "Of course… How could I believe you'd let me go with my dignity?"
"What?" Phoebe exclaimed.
"I saw your face earlier in the cave. You probably thought it was all my doing, didn't you? It would've fit a lot better with your opinion of me."
"Cole…"
"No, Phoebe…I might as well face up to the sad reality. What other horror was I supposed to perpetrate Phoebe? Stalk you? Go insane? Turn evil again? Was I supposed to stop living because you didn't love me? Did you think so little of me? Oh wait. I guess you expected me to come and try to turn you evil? Is that it? Hey, this is Belthazor we're talking about here. Worse yet; the former Source! What else was I gonna do?"
"Cole!"
"Don't," Cole cut her curtly. "Look Phoebe… this morning, I was finally ready to go. I almost came to tell you directly, but then I changed my mind. I understood it was pointless and then, you wouldn't believe the peace I felt inside…"
Phoebe opened wide disbelieving eyes at this confession. She couldn't find her voice and soon, Cole resumed his speech.
"I was standing across the street, working up the courage to come and tell you to your face that I was leaving and when I understood I couldn't, I just left. Then, something strange happened. It's not that I didn't care anymore. It was just that the struggle was over at last. I even found myself going to the airport and just looking up destinations. I had no clue where to go when the firm offered me a few days off, but it didn't matter where. All that mattered was that I was leaving and starting a new life."
Phoebe was so stunned that after Cole stopped talking it took her a moment to even realize he fell silent. "You mean…you mean you don't love me anymore?" The words almost stayed in her throat. Of all the possibilities, the fact that Cole could stop loving her was something she had never even considered.
"Come on, Phoebe. Even now, you're still wondering if I was responsible for Leo turning evil," Cole replied rather than answering the loaded question. "You're not sure if I wasn't in league with Charles too. Admit it…"
Phoebe wanted to deny it, but in truth, the thought had crossed her mind. Even now, she had to wonder if some of those powers that left her son weren't already corrupting her ex-husband. Yet, deep down, she was starting to see something else. Most of those fears she experienced since his return from the dead, they were her fears. Cole did nothing to encourage her to think of him as evil. Deep down, she knew all along, but the irrational fear never left her nonetheless. Now, she was staring at him with no words of excuse or much of anything else. Even as she debated what to answer, Cole's attitude changed quickly. From the obvious frustration and anger that were flashing in his eyes only moments ago, nothing remained. He was now turning what seemed an almost indulgent expression toward her.
"I'm not angry with you," Cole finally said, confirming Phoebe's impression. "I should've known that our love wasn't enough. I was a fool to imagine it could be saved."
"Cole I…" Phoebe sighed heavily. "I'm sorry…" she said in a voice near a whisper as she lowered her eyes in apparent defeat.
"No more than I am," Cole replied softly.
From the sunroom, they heard a wail of anguish and knew that Piper was finally coming out of her trance. Soon after, Paige walked out with the baby in her arms, followed by a forlorn Piper. Neither one of them noticed Phoebe and Cole as they headed toward the kitchen. As Cole watched them going, Phoebe noticed his tense expression but before she could comment on it, Cole turned toward the door. "Well, good bye Phoebe…"
His hand was on the doorknob before Phoebe reacted. "Are you sure?"
"Please Phoebe. Don't do this to me," Cole uttered painfully.
"I mean…don't you want a chance to know your son?" Phoebe wondered why she was saying this. After all, it was almost cruel and unusual since Cole was finally giving up. Yet, she had seen the longing in his eyes while he watched Patrick.
"He's hardly my son; or even yours for that matter. I know I'm guilty of that too, Phoebe." Cole replied flatly. He was still holding the doorknob but without making any move to leave however.
"We could use your help with Leo…" Phoebe insisted, again wondering what demon possessed her.
Cole sighed heavily and then let go of the doorknob. "I don't know that Leo can be saved."
"You were saved…"
Cole had to refrain from letting his anger take over at these words. How dare she tell him this now? Was that ok to say he wasn't evil now that he had given up? Or was she so petty that she couldn't accept he did? A long silence followed her last words and Cole didn't look at her, certain that she would see the intense disappointment and anger in his eyes.
When Phoebe spoke again however, Cole knew he hadn't dissimulated well enough.
"I'm sorry again…It's just…this seems so sudden…"
Cole couldn't help his next reaction. He whirled on himself and faced her with open hostility. "Sudden? It's been months, Phoebe. Months of anguish and pain… Yeah, I did go through hell, but not just the one down there. I lived it since…Every night, I remembered how it felt to hold you in my arms. Every day, I had to live with the thought that nothing I would do could find grace in your eyes. In short, Phoebe, for all this time, I've been surviving with the thought of you. Now, it's about time I lived without it."
"What the hell do you think, Cole?" Phoebe suddenly exploded. "You think it was a picnic for me? You think I felt nothing? Do you really believe I didn't wish that things went differently every day since you died? You came back, yes… but the damage was done. I didn't know if you turned against me or if you were forced into it. Even so, I never could believe that you couldn't tell me. If you needed our help, why didn't you ask instead of dragging me into this hell with you?"
Cole almost told her again how he wasn't responsible for what happened. How he had only wanted to save her and it backfired on both of them. However, even as he opened his mouth to try, he stopped himself. What was the point? Phoebe never believed him until now. What more could he say that would change her mind? Instead, he breathed deeply, looking down to give himself a moment to think. "I know it wasn't fair to you…" he finally uttered as calmly as he could. "I also wished many times that things went differently."
"You won't even try?" Phoebe replied testily.
"I don't wanna hurt you or myself anymore Phoebe. I think we've both gone through too much already." Cole hesitated at length as he looked up and met her hurt expression. "I do love you," He admitted painfully. "I'll never stop loving you, Phoebe. But…I can't continue like this. Maybe I would go crazy if I did…and I don't believe it's much healthier for you…"
"I won't ask you to stay for me," Phoebe then said. "I understand it must be hard. Believe me I do. But I also believe you're not ready to leave him…"
Cole cast a weary glance behind Phoebe and toward the kitchen, as an admission of this very fact. What if something happened to his son after he turned his back on him? Wouldn't that be true evil on his part? He debated this a long moment while biting his lips in a gesture Phoebe knew too well. She often melted at this simple admission of indecision that he showed so rarely. Cole always tried to look strong and assured for all but her… She alone knew of his true struggles with himself. Sometimes, it had been unsettling, but at the same time, Phoebe knew that he allowed her to see this weakness because he trusted her implicitly; even now…A sudden thought came to her then and she couldn't help asking Cole about it.
"Do you think Leo…I mean the Source, will come after Patrick again?"
"I don't know," Cole replied with a frown. He had not considered this particular possibility. The Source that resided inside Leo's body was stronger than any Source who ever lived. He had managed to remain inside Piper without hurting her for a long while, but that was before his powers were fully freed. What would happen if Leo wasn't a strong enough vessel for his essence? Surely, he would consider taking back the only body that could contain him safely. However, even as his resolve to stay and protect his son grew, Cole couldn't help wondering about Phoebe's motivations. "Why would you want me around? Aren't you afraid of what I'll do?"
Phoebe stared back at him without a word for a long moment before giving him an answer. "There isn't much I'm certain of anymore, Cole. But there's one thing I know for certain. You love that child. I don't think I ever saw you happier than the day I announced I was pregnant and I'm sure it wasn't just the Source talking. Besides, I'm afraid of what might happen next and you're the only one who knows anything about this new Source."
"What am I supposed to do? You're mistaken… I don't…"
"Cole, I'm not accusing you of anything," Phoebe interrupted. "However little you know, it's still gonna be a lot more than what we have, which is about nothing…"
Cole gave another long glance toward the kitchen, while he debated his options furiously. Then an unpleasant idea came to him. "You wouldn't be asking me this to keep an eye on me, would you?" He asked with a pronounced hint of suspicion.
Phoebe almost exploded anew. However, she stopped herself as she really couldn't tell if that wasn't part of it. Sadness fell over her again. "Boy, how did we get here," She questioned forlornly.
"The hell if I know," Cole replied darkly, although he gave up on questioning her further about his suspicion. At this point, he had already made his decision and whatever she meant, it didn't really matter. "I'll stay…at least until this crisis is over."
Phoebe only nodded soberly. Then as she was about to say something more, an exclamation of anger from Piper caught both their attentions. They both headed for the kitchen hurriedly of a common accord.
"You don't know anything," Piper almost screamed as they entered the room. She was staring angrily at Paige, who was obviously struggling to remain calm.
"You've got to face up to reality, Piper. Phoebe had to…"
Cole almost turned around right then, knowing full well what was coming next. Phoebe must have sensed it because she put a light hand on his forearm. He looked down at her and she seemed to be apologizing silently. This was surprising in and of itself and it had the desired effect. Cole remained where he stood while Phoebe went to her sisters.
"Paige," she called, Paige still holding the infant in her arms. "We can't give up that easily. Maybe there's a way to save Leo and get rid of the Source once and for all. At least, we've got to try finding it."
"Thank you," Piper whispered wearily. It was obvious that her outburst wore her out because she seemed even more tired than before.
"Come on Piper, you need your rest."
"How am I supposed to rest?"
"At least, sit down…you're not helping anyone by hurting yourself like this; least of all Leo…"
Piper gave Phoebe a hurt look but she still took the chair Phoebe indicated and was obviously better for it.
"What the hell do you suggest we do," Paige questioned dubiously.
"We've got to find a way to take those powers safely out of Leo. There has to be something, some potion we can whip up to do that." Phoebe replied as confidently as she could. Her purpose was dual here. She wanted not only Paige to gain some perspective, but also for Piper to keep hoping as she knew too well how despair could break her. She had lived through it.
A malaise invaded Cole at this conversation and it took him a moment to understand what caused it. When he did though, the painful realization did nothing for his mood. When he was possessed by the Source and struggling to get out, no one even noticed... Much more than this, when they found out about it, all of them, including Leo, immediately assumed that he was willingly evil and unredeemable. Yet, now that Leo was on the line, they were contemplating saving him rather than vanquishing him. To be honest, Cole admitted to himself that Paige jumped to conclusions and tried to convince Piper of killing her husband. However, Paige wasn't the one he had wanted understanding from. Chasing these unpleasant thoughts, Cole concentrated on his son, now asleep in Paige's arms. He took a few steps toward her distractedly and only became aware of it when Paige protested. "What is he still doing here?"
"That's rich coming from you, Paige. I thought you at least wouldn't think of me as the big bad wolf."
"I saw what happened down there. And it was your brother…"
That felt like a slap in the face because what he told Phoebe earlier was now echoed by her sister. Nevertheless, Cole didn't think it was the time to make a scene. Particularly not with Patrick sleeping in her arms… He struggled to regain a measure of calm while all the affection he used to have for the child reawakened inside of him. He remembered how this love he felt for his unborn child had nearly freed him from the monster. It had been the greatest feeling he'd ever experienced besides his love for Phoebe. Yet, there stood a barrier between him and this son he had believed lost forever that put him even further out of his range than if his son had died. How could he hope to even be allowed a small participation in this infant's life if they still believed him to be evil? "If you know anything Paige, you must realize that I'd never hurt this baby…"
Paige still watched him suspiciously, but Piper surprised them all when she spoke up. "Why don't you let Cole hold him for a moment, Paige?"
"What?" Paige exclaimed as she cast an astounded look at her sister.
"He won't hurt him and besides, didn't you say you needed to get Ava?"
"Phoebe should take care of him…"
"It's ok Paige," Phoebe added, although she was obviously just as surprised by Piper's suggestion.
Paige frowned uncertainly, but she still went to Cole and allowed him to take the child in his arms. For a moment, he feared that he would hurt the little bundle resting against him, so fragile he seemed. Patrick was so small, but as Cole held him, he appeared even tinier. Yet, even so small, he still evoked a cascade of emotions in Cole that he hadn't even imagined he could feel. The baby began stirring at this point and his deep blues eyes stared directly into his, as if he could read into Cole's soul. In that instant, Cole knew that he would never let anything happen to him. And that even if it meant sacrificing himself to the Source once again. "Thank you," he uttered softly without looking up.
"This doesn't mean anything Cole, but…I recently understood how truly painful it was to lose something so precious…"
Cole kept silent, knowing how hard it must have been for Piper to even see her son in his arms while still wondering if this baby was truly hers or if she had already lost him.
Paige was still watching him as if she feared that he would kidnap Patrick, but at this point, Cole cared little for her suspicion. Piper's action had made his burden infinitely lighter.
"Alright then," Paige uttered at last. "I'll be right back. Nobody goes anywhere," she added pointedly. As soon as she was done talking, Paige orbed out.
Cole finally dared look at Piper and thought that she didn't appear as distressed as he expected. That is until Phoebe came closer to him. That's when he saw fear in Piper's eyes. Not the fear for herself exactly, but an obvious fear of loss. Yet, when Phoebe carefully took the baby from him and cradled him lovingly in her own arms, Piper said nothing. She simply watched them, probably wondering again if this wasn't going to be how things would turn out. Her losing the baby to his natural parents in spite of the infinite love she felt for him. Even if Cole knew how hard it must have been for Piper and that it made this moment bittersweet, seeing his son in Phoebe's arms warmed him inside all the more. How would it have turned out if he hadn't succumbed to the Source? Would they now enjoy their child together; without the atrocious remorse that tainted their joy?
Phoebe sensed Piper's eyes on her and she also knew what her sister must be thinking. With great efforts, she walked toward Piper and smiled softly as she put the child back in her arms. "Well, I think it's time I went to get the Book of Shadows. There's no time to lose…"
Piper nodded while holding the child with great relief.
Phoebe then turned back toward Cole and he saw right away what she tried to keep from her sister. When she gazed at him, her eyes became bright with repressed tears. For a moment, they simply stared at each other, for the first time in months, understanding exactly what the other felt and however tenuous this connection was it still felt like a giant leap to Cole. As he wished he could comfort Phoebe in his arms, he was certain that she wished for that too. "You watch for them alright," Phoebe managed in a little voice before heading briskly out of the kitchen.
Cole stood paralyzed as she left. That is until the child's cries shook him out of his trance. He turned to see Piper uncertainly trying to nurse the baby. With some embarrassment, he looked away but not before Piper had noticed his gaze.
"I tried this at the hospital," she said hesitantly, "I hope I can do it by myself. It didn't work very well then," she added to cover her own embarrassment.
"I can leave the room if you prefer," Cole uttered hesitantly without looking at her.
"No…" Piper said quickly. "No," she added in a calmer voice, albeit still tense. "I prefer you stayed here… just in case…" Piper didn't like the feelings of weakness and fear that coursed through her at the thought of being left alone, even for a moment. However, the most painful part of it was that she feared her own husband. A lot more in fact than she worried about what Cole might do… That was a strange sensation, to say the least, but she knew that Cole was truthful about not hurting Patrick. Seeing the way Cole looked at his son while holding him, there was no doubt in her mind that Patrick was as safe as he'd ever be with Cole around. Suddenly those thoughts were interrupted by the success of her attempt at feeding her son. She felt the strong pull on her breast and although it caused her a little aching, it also brought back some of the communion she felt while he was still inside of her. If it didn't make up for all the pain she was faced with at the moment, it still brought a certain peace she had not expected to her. "It worked," she couldn't help exclaim, only glad to share her joy, even if that was with Cole.
Cole didn't look back but he still felt good to be part of this after having feared never to be. However this brief moment of joy was shattered when he heard Piper's horrified exclamation. "Get away from me!"
Cole turned to find Leo standing between Piper and him and his heart sunk…