The Ties that Bind
By the Black Goddess
Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I am not connected with Buffy in any way, I don't make any money from this and I don't mean any offence.
Authors notes: SLASH. Man on man in other words - specifically Angel/Xander. Don't like, don't read. Contains character death.
Set between seasons four and five. What would Xander have done if Willow had died?
I wrote this before I saw season five (so about two years ago now!) but hadn't got round to typing it up. I'm very interested in knowing what you think, so REVIEW please!
Dead. Flat, cold, final. Unemotional, but surrounded with emotions.
Everyone thought I'd be the first to die but no such luck. With my luck I'll probably go on for years, watching the others die violently one by one, and I'll be the only one left at the end and have to suffer the guilty knowledge that I should have died. I never thought I'd feel any sympathy with Deadboy but that's probably what it will be like for him, watching everyone around him wither and die while he remains physically unchanged.
I don't know if I can cope, to be honest. My life will be totally different without her. Willow was a good friend of mine for years. In a way, I already am the only one left. Everyone forgot Jesse. In the excitement of Buffy's arrival and the complete destruction of our old lives, the destruction of Jesse's life passed almost without remark. Jesse was my best friend. Willow tagged along, but what Jesse and I had was different, just like what Willow and Buffy had, though then it was me on the outside. Most of the time I didn't notice, but then it did happen gradually. One minute, Willow and I were old pals and Buffy was the new girl, then one day it's Buffy and Willow: friends forever and I was the one on the outside.
Willow and I rarely talked about Jesse. He was the first vampire I staked. A totally 'life-changing' experience, watching your best friend's body explode into ashes. Jesse's 'death' haunts me and now Willow's gone I'm the only one to remember 'the Three Musketeers' and when I die, no one will remember him at all. Jesse never graduated. He never took any SATS, never got to do so many things. It isn't fair. On that night in the cemetery, why did he get taken and not me? Why did he die? I've spent years trying to find an answer but I've never succeeded, only made myself angry at the injustice of the world.
The Scooby Gang will drift apart now. It was really Willow keeping it together, she still wanted to see me even if Buffy forgot me and Giles. My position is strangely similar to his. Both of us are almost spare parts for Buffy now, and more so now Willow's gone. She was the only thing holding me to Giles and Buffy and now she's gone I'm adrift. I have no steady job, things with Anya aren't so wonderful that they're worth staying for so why am I still here? I feel like I'm going mad. Maybe I'm dying. Willow!
Xander threw back his head and screamed the last word. He had cried so much in the last few days but he knew he would never stop grieving for he. He collapsed on the bed in desperate sobs, crying until he was nearly sick before lapsing into an exhausted sleep.
When he awoke it was with a pounding headache. His face felt stiff, covered in tearstains and a growth of beard. Going to wash, he stared at his bloodshot eyes in the mirror and came to a snap decision. He knew it had been coming, even before Willow died. Now there was even more reason to go. Going back into his room, he threw a couple of T-shirts and some jeans into a bag and scribbled a note for Giles, telling the others what he was doing. Then he left, going first to Giles' to drop off the note and then to LA.
Cordelia was humming along to the radio when the office door opened.
"Wesley, finally!" she said without turning around. "You better have brought the right donuts!" Turning to take the donuts from him, she realised with a shock that it wasn't Wesley.
At first she didn't recognise him; this tall, dark man with hollow, deadened eyes and sunken cheeks covered in a three or four day old beard. Then:
"Xander!" she exclaimed. "What are you doing here?" Xander gave her a slightly blank look, then shrugged and sat down on the couch.
"Hey!" objected Cordelia. The look she received in response sent her back to her filing, but this time she worked in silence.
Ten minutes later Wesley came in, carrying donuts. He saw Xander and frowned.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"That's what I'd like to know!" exploded Cordelia. "He just walked in here and sat down. He hasn't said a word!"
"What's all the commotion?" asked Angel, appearing suddenly at the top of the stairs. "Oh, hello Xander," he said, not sounding surprised. "Come on through." Xander stood up and walked into the office. As the door clicked shut behind them, the two left in the reception area stared at each other, wide-eyed. Then Cordelia shrugged and helped herself to a donut before going back to her filing.
I don't really know why I chose him. Of all the people I know he's the one I've made the most attempt to avoid, and the number of snide remarks and jokes I've made about him is probably only equalled by the number I've made about Cordelia, and yet here I am, about to trust him with my innermost thoughts. Maybe it's because of Buffy. Part of me still loves her and always will. She saw something in him and maybe somewhere I think that anyone she loves must be worthy. Maybe it's because death is worse for him than for anyone else because he will never die. I don't know. I don't seem to know anything any more. He isn't saying anything, just watching me. He doesn't seem to mind that I've sat here for five minutes without speaking. I don't know speak because I don't know where to start. Does he know Willow's dead? If he does, does Cordelia? She can't know, even Cordelia couldn't be that insensitive! He's still looking at me. He seems to understand.
"Nobody noticed when Jesse died." I inform him. His face seems to twitch slightly but it goes back to normal so fast that I'm not sure whether anything really happened or whether I'm imagining it. He has no reason to feel guilty about that. I'd never even met him when Jesse died. Why have I started with Jesse? This isn't about him any more. Nothing is about him any more.
"He was my best friend. I was closer to Jesse than to anyone else. Willow was a good friend but it was different when I was with Jesse.
It was the first day of school, the day we met Buffy. Vampires took Jesse and Willow. I went with Buffy to try and find them. We freed Willow but Jesse was lost. We tried to find him, but he was changed before we could reach him. I was the one who staked him, my childhood friend, at the Harvest. Buffy never mentioned him again. It was almost as if he'd never been. She'd only known him a day but she could have said something, anything! I'd watched the body of my best friend explode into dust because of something I did and no one said anything! I bet if I said his name to Buffy now, she wouldn't remember who he was. I know that's not fair to her, but... She came and Jesse left. Vampires destroyed my world and no one noticed!" He flinches slightly but I continue anyway, words continuing to flow from me in an unstoppable torrent. I've been waiting for years to say this, after all.
"Maybe that's why I didn't like you. Not only did Buffy prefer you to me but you were a vampire, one of those who'd taken my life and my friend and destroyed them both, sending everything spiralling out of control."
I realised tears were pouring down my face but I needed to finish before I could wipe them away.
"Now Willow's dead." I said softly. I saw a look of confirmed suspicions in his eyes, combined with a deep sorrow. "The only other person who knew him nearly as well as I did and she's gone. It's like he died again and all the crying I didn't do then has caught up with me. Now I can't talk about him any more. There were memories shared only by the three of us. Now Willow and Jesse are dead, all that remains of them is memories. And Willow has other people to remember her. Willow has a grave!
Jesse never had a grave. He was taken from the Bronze that night and changed immediately. The next time I saw him he was a vampire and that night I staked him. He'd only been missing a day. His parents never saw a body. For all they knew, their son ran away and maybe for them he's still out there somewhere, punishing them for some imagined crime by not telling them that he's alive and OK. I had to tell them that I didn't think that he'd be coming back. I had to say that I didn't know where he was, that I didn't know what reason he'd have to run away or where he might have gone. I knew he was dead but I couldn't say it and it hurt. I feel like I betrayed him, by letting him die and by lying to them. I've wondered over the years whether I should write them an anonymous note telling them that he's dead, not saying where or when but letting them know that they can stop waiting for their little boy because he's never coming home."
Angel didn't seem embarrassed by the tears pouring down my face. He didn't look bored by my guilt-filled outpourings, hidden for four years but now being freed with unquenchable force.
"What happens now, Angel?" I asked him. "Willow held us all together, me and Buffy and Giles. Now she's gone, what will happen to us? I've always been spare and Giles has almost outlived his usefulness since she started college. Without Willow to keep us in contact with her, will we even see her?" I choked there, and had to pause for a second before I could continue.
"She was the last to remember Jesse. She was the glue that held us together. Now she's gone and I have nothing. Nothing! Oh, Willow!" I sobbed, burying my face in hands and crying big, heaving sobs that felt as thought they'd tear me apart. I knew the others could hear them, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered any more.
Suddenly I felt strong arms surround me, pulling me close. I let myself relax into that strong body and took the comfort he offered. I cried myself to sleep in his embrace.
Angel cradled Xander in his arms, tears flowing down his own face from Xander's despair and his own sorrow at Willow's death. When he realised that Xander was asleep he positioned him more securely on the chair and walked out of the office.
Both Cordelia and Wesley swung round at his appearance, mouths open to ask what was going on. Seeing the tear tracks on Angel's face however, neither of them said a word.
"Willow's dead." he said bluntly. "Xander will be staying here for a while." Without waiting to witness their response he headed down the stairs to prepare a room for Xander.
Cordelia and Wesley looked at each other.
"Poor Xander," said Cordelia thoughtfully. "He and Willow have been friends for like, forever."
"I wonder how Buffy's taken the news," pondered Wesley. "They were very close - I hope it doesn't affect her abilities."
At that point, Angel re-emerged from his apartment. Without speaking he headed into the office, coming out again with a sleeping Xander in his arms and carrying him gently down to his apartment to be installed in the bed.
I don't know how long I was asleep but when I awoke I was in Angel's bed. He had removed my jacket and shoes but otherwise I was fully dressed. I just lay there for a while, eyes closed, enjoying the comfort of the bed. I could hear pages turning so I knew Angel was with me and I was safe. I knew it was him, partly because I couldn't hear anyone breathing.
I opened my eyes and looked at him. He was sitting there, reading in French. He seemed to know I was looking at him because he looked at me.
"How are you?" he asked.
"Better," I answered. It's true. I feel that as long as I stay here in Angel's bed, none of it will ever have happened and everything will be all right.
"You can stay here as long as you need to," he tells me. "You won't have to go back until you're ready."
"Thank you,"
"Do you want something to eat?"
I nod and sit up. I realise that I really do need to shave so I get up and go to my duffel bag.
"Anywhere I can get rid of my chin fur?" I ask. He smiles and directs me to the bathroom.
"When I emerge, clean-shaven and feeling much more in control, Angel calls me through to the kitchen. Cordelia and Wesley are there and they just give me these looks, like I might break. I give them a weak grin and sit down.
The meal was tense. Wesley wasn't sure what to do, Xander ate almost in silence, Cordelia was obviously bubbling over with questions and Angel just sat there, watching Xander.
Luckily, the uncomfortable atmosphere was broken by the ringing of the phone. Cordelia leapt up to answer it.
Presently she reappeared, looking subdued.
"Angel, it's Giles. He wants to speak to you." Angel stood up and went to the phone without a word.
"So," said Cordelia brightly. "How long are you staying for?"
"I don't know," replied Xander. "Angel says I can stay for as long as I want to."
"How come you came here anyway? I thought you and Angel hated each other?" Cordelia asked curiously. Xander shrugged, took another bite of toast and said thoughtfully
"I guess I'm here because I knew he'd understand when no one else would."
"Oh," said Cordelia. "I'm sorry about Willow," she said quietly. Xander nodded.
"Things will never be the same again." he said softly.
At that point, Angel walked back into the room.
"He rang to tell me that the funeral's in two weeks," he informed Xander gently. "They're normally sooner but it's a murder investigation after all. It'll be closed casket."
"It'd have to be," said Xander flatly. "It chewed up her face."
"Yuck! That sounds gross!" exclaimed Cordelia.
"It's even worse to see." said Xander. The meal finished in silence.
After the others had gone back to their apartments, Angel looked at Xander.
"What do you want to do?"
"Now or ever?" quipped Xander.
"Either," said Angel. "There's time for you to answer both."
"I'd like to stay here until the funeral," said Xander. "Would that be OK?"
"Sure. I told you, you can stay as long as you want to."
"Thanks," said Xander gratefully. "As for what I'd like to do this very minute, I don't know."
"We should go somewhere. If we stay here you'll dwell on things." pointed out Angel.
"True," agreed Xander. "I thought you liked brooding though?"
"I'm trying to get over it," grimaced Angel. "Cordelia says it's anti-social."
"I won't comment! Where do you want to go?"
"Nowhere you have to dance!" said Angel emphatically. "I know some quietish bars though, where the music isn't too bad."
"We'll go to one of those then." Xander said decisively. Both men collected jackets and as they were heading out of the door, Xander asked thoughtfully,
"Do I trust your taste in music? Spike has extreme taste. Are you taking me to a punk bar or something?"
"Nope. You aren't dressed for it anyway and besides, I will not be held responsible for Spike's taste in music."
"Just wondering."
When they arrived at the bar, Angel ordered them both a beer and they headed for a table.
"This place doesn't actually look that bad," Xander commented, taking a sip of the beer and grimacing slightly at the taste. "How did you find it?"
Angel took note of the grimace and grinned to himself, resolving not to let Xander drink too much as he obviously wasn't used to it.
"Doyle showed it to me,"
"Who's Doyle?"
"Doyle was my, erm, helper, before Wesley. He died."
"Sorry. He had good taste in pubs though."
"Yeah, this place isn't bad. He didn't like it much here though," Angel grinned slightly. "It was a bit quiet for him. This is the one he thought I'd like."
"Well, you do so he was right."
"That's true."
The two lapsed into silence for a while. Angel eventually ordered them another drink and after a while, Xander said,
"D'you know anywhere I might get a job? I need the money."
"They might need bar staff here - you could ask and see. Do you have any experience?"
"Yup. I worked in a bar near the college one time. I also worked in one over the summer."
"Do you still work near the college?"
"No. Giles made me resign after I served Buffy even though I knew she was underage and she and these frat boys got turned into cave people."
"What?" asked Angel incredulously.
"I know. I promised I wouldn't serve her again but he made me quit anyway. Said that I could work for someone who would put stuff in the beer. Besides, it burnt down."
"Why didn't I know about this?"
"Dunno. It wore off and there was no harm done except to the building and the guy she hit over the head with a big stick so I guess we just never mentioned it."
"Anything else happen to Buffy?"
"Nope,"
"So, get me up to date on the Sunnydale gossip."
"You want gossip? Doesn't seem like something you'd be interested in!"
"Call it keeping my ear to the ground and being aware and tell me anyway." Xander laughed.
"Well, Oz left. Oz came back. Oz left again. Trying to control his inner wolf or something. Willow got a girlfriend while he was away, which might go some way to explaining why he left again. The Initiative got shut down and we killed Adam. Spike's still hanging around, betraying everyone and pissing us all off."
"Betraying you?"
"He tried to join Adam to get his chip removed." explained Xander helpfully. "He tried to set us all against each other."
"What chip?" asked Angel in confusion.
"The Initiative got him and stuck a chip in his head. He got away before they did any other similar experiments on him but he can't harm humans now so he can't feed. Giles seems to feel sorry for him and occasionally gives him money. He's now harmless to humans, unless he tries to set everyone against each other, scare you into giving him money or bores you to death."
"He must hate that."
"He's happier now he knows he can hurt demons." Xander's face suddenly lit up as he had a brilliant idea. "We could send him to you! He'd like it here! Lots of new people to annoy, lots of bars.."
"I don't think so," said Angel quickly. "I value my peace and quiet!"
"Do you get any up here?" Angel ordered a third pint each and began to tell Xander about it. To both their surprise, the two talked happily on a variety of subjects though both carefully did not mention Willow and Doyle. After four leisurely pints each, Angel decided it was time to go.
"Come on," he said. "You need to get some sleep."
"Sure," said Xander. He stood up and swayed slightly. "Woah, head rush!" he giggled. Angel grabbed their jackets and Xander followed him out.
The two walked home in silence. Xander thought vaguely that he'd quite enjoyed the evening. Angel wasn't really bad company and he'd helped him forget.
When they got back to the apartment, Angel poured them both a cup of coffee from the machine. Xander switched on the TV and the pair watched the end of a film in companionable silence.
"You can have the bed," said Angel after a while. "You need to sleep properly and you won't do that on a couch."
"Thanks," said Xander gratefully. He was too tired to argue. "Do you mind if I sleep now?"
"Nope. Goodnight Xander."
"Night Angel. Thanks."
"It's OK. Sleep well."
"You too."
There's the first part! REVIEW, and the second part is already written so I'll post it soon!
By the Black Goddess
Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I am not connected with Buffy in any way, I don't make any money from this and I don't mean any offence.
Authors notes: SLASH. Man on man in other words - specifically Angel/Xander. Don't like, don't read. Contains character death.
Set between seasons four and five. What would Xander have done if Willow had died?
I wrote this before I saw season five (so about two years ago now!) but hadn't got round to typing it up. I'm very interested in knowing what you think, so REVIEW please!
Dead. Flat, cold, final. Unemotional, but surrounded with emotions.
Everyone thought I'd be the first to die but no such luck. With my luck I'll probably go on for years, watching the others die violently one by one, and I'll be the only one left at the end and have to suffer the guilty knowledge that I should have died. I never thought I'd feel any sympathy with Deadboy but that's probably what it will be like for him, watching everyone around him wither and die while he remains physically unchanged.
I don't know if I can cope, to be honest. My life will be totally different without her. Willow was a good friend of mine for years. In a way, I already am the only one left. Everyone forgot Jesse. In the excitement of Buffy's arrival and the complete destruction of our old lives, the destruction of Jesse's life passed almost without remark. Jesse was my best friend. Willow tagged along, but what Jesse and I had was different, just like what Willow and Buffy had, though then it was me on the outside. Most of the time I didn't notice, but then it did happen gradually. One minute, Willow and I were old pals and Buffy was the new girl, then one day it's Buffy and Willow: friends forever and I was the one on the outside.
Willow and I rarely talked about Jesse. He was the first vampire I staked. A totally 'life-changing' experience, watching your best friend's body explode into ashes. Jesse's 'death' haunts me and now Willow's gone I'm the only one to remember 'the Three Musketeers' and when I die, no one will remember him at all. Jesse never graduated. He never took any SATS, never got to do so many things. It isn't fair. On that night in the cemetery, why did he get taken and not me? Why did he die? I've spent years trying to find an answer but I've never succeeded, only made myself angry at the injustice of the world.
The Scooby Gang will drift apart now. It was really Willow keeping it together, she still wanted to see me even if Buffy forgot me and Giles. My position is strangely similar to his. Both of us are almost spare parts for Buffy now, and more so now Willow's gone. She was the only thing holding me to Giles and Buffy and now she's gone I'm adrift. I have no steady job, things with Anya aren't so wonderful that they're worth staying for so why am I still here? I feel like I'm going mad. Maybe I'm dying. Willow!
Xander threw back his head and screamed the last word. He had cried so much in the last few days but he knew he would never stop grieving for he. He collapsed on the bed in desperate sobs, crying until he was nearly sick before lapsing into an exhausted sleep.
When he awoke it was with a pounding headache. His face felt stiff, covered in tearstains and a growth of beard. Going to wash, he stared at his bloodshot eyes in the mirror and came to a snap decision. He knew it had been coming, even before Willow died. Now there was even more reason to go. Going back into his room, he threw a couple of T-shirts and some jeans into a bag and scribbled a note for Giles, telling the others what he was doing. Then he left, going first to Giles' to drop off the note and then to LA.
Cordelia was humming along to the radio when the office door opened.
"Wesley, finally!" she said without turning around. "You better have brought the right donuts!" Turning to take the donuts from him, she realised with a shock that it wasn't Wesley.
At first she didn't recognise him; this tall, dark man with hollow, deadened eyes and sunken cheeks covered in a three or four day old beard. Then:
"Xander!" she exclaimed. "What are you doing here?" Xander gave her a slightly blank look, then shrugged and sat down on the couch.
"Hey!" objected Cordelia. The look she received in response sent her back to her filing, but this time she worked in silence.
Ten minutes later Wesley came in, carrying donuts. He saw Xander and frowned.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"That's what I'd like to know!" exploded Cordelia. "He just walked in here and sat down. He hasn't said a word!"
"What's all the commotion?" asked Angel, appearing suddenly at the top of the stairs. "Oh, hello Xander," he said, not sounding surprised. "Come on through." Xander stood up and walked into the office. As the door clicked shut behind them, the two left in the reception area stared at each other, wide-eyed. Then Cordelia shrugged and helped herself to a donut before going back to her filing.
I don't really know why I chose him. Of all the people I know he's the one I've made the most attempt to avoid, and the number of snide remarks and jokes I've made about him is probably only equalled by the number I've made about Cordelia, and yet here I am, about to trust him with my innermost thoughts. Maybe it's because of Buffy. Part of me still loves her and always will. She saw something in him and maybe somewhere I think that anyone she loves must be worthy. Maybe it's because death is worse for him than for anyone else because he will never die. I don't know. I don't seem to know anything any more. He isn't saying anything, just watching me. He doesn't seem to mind that I've sat here for five minutes without speaking. I don't know speak because I don't know where to start. Does he know Willow's dead? If he does, does Cordelia? She can't know, even Cordelia couldn't be that insensitive! He's still looking at me. He seems to understand.
"Nobody noticed when Jesse died." I inform him. His face seems to twitch slightly but it goes back to normal so fast that I'm not sure whether anything really happened or whether I'm imagining it. He has no reason to feel guilty about that. I'd never even met him when Jesse died. Why have I started with Jesse? This isn't about him any more. Nothing is about him any more.
"He was my best friend. I was closer to Jesse than to anyone else. Willow was a good friend but it was different when I was with Jesse.
It was the first day of school, the day we met Buffy. Vampires took Jesse and Willow. I went with Buffy to try and find them. We freed Willow but Jesse was lost. We tried to find him, but he was changed before we could reach him. I was the one who staked him, my childhood friend, at the Harvest. Buffy never mentioned him again. It was almost as if he'd never been. She'd only known him a day but she could have said something, anything! I'd watched the body of my best friend explode into dust because of something I did and no one said anything! I bet if I said his name to Buffy now, she wouldn't remember who he was. I know that's not fair to her, but... She came and Jesse left. Vampires destroyed my world and no one noticed!" He flinches slightly but I continue anyway, words continuing to flow from me in an unstoppable torrent. I've been waiting for years to say this, after all.
"Maybe that's why I didn't like you. Not only did Buffy prefer you to me but you were a vampire, one of those who'd taken my life and my friend and destroyed them both, sending everything spiralling out of control."
I realised tears were pouring down my face but I needed to finish before I could wipe them away.
"Now Willow's dead." I said softly. I saw a look of confirmed suspicions in his eyes, combined with a deep sorrow. "The only other person who knew him nearly as well as I did and she's gone. It's like he died again and all the crying I didn't do then has caught up with me. Now I can't talk about him any more. There were memories shared only by the three of us. Now Willow and Jesse are dead, all that remains of them is memories. And Willow has other people to remember her. Willow has a grave!
Jesse never had a grave. He was taken from the Bronze that night and changed immediately. The next time I saw him he was a vampire and that night I staked him. He'd only been missing a day. His parents never saw a body. For all they knew, their son ran away and maybe for them he's still out there somewhere, punishing them for some imagined crime by not telling them that he's alive and OK. I had to tell them that I didn't think that he'd be coming back. I had to say that I didn't know where he was, that I didn't know what reason he'd have to run away or where he might have gone. I knew he was dead but I couldn't say it and it hurt. I feel like I betrayed him, by letting him die and by lying to them. I've wondered over the years whether I should write them an anonymous note telling them that he's dead, not saying where or when but letting them know that they can stop waiting for their little boy because he's never coming home."
Angel didn't seem embarrassed by the tears pouring down my face. He didn't look bored by my guilt-filled outpourings, hidden for four years but now being freed with unquenchable force.
"What happens now, Angel?" I asked him. "Willow held us all together, me and Buffy and Giles. Now she's gone, what will happen to us? I've always been spare and Giles has almost outlived his usefulness since she started college. Without Willow to keep us in contact with her, will we even see her?" I choked there, and had to pause for a second before I could continue.
"She was the last to remember Jesse. She was the glue that held us together. Now she's gone and I have nothing. Nothing! Oh, Willow!" I sobbed, burying my face in hands and crying big, heaving sobs that felt as thought they'd tear me apart. I knew the others could hear them, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered any more.
Suddenly I felt strong arms surround me, pulling me close. I let myself relax into that strong body and took the comfort he offered. I cried myself to sleep in his embrace.
Angel cradled Xander in his arms, tears flowing down his own face from Xander's despair and his own sorrow at Willow's death. When he realised that Xander was asleep he positioned him more securely on the chair and walked out of the office.
Both Cordelia and Wesley swung round at his appearance, mouths open to ask what was going on. Seeing the tear tracks on Angel's face however, neither of them said a word.
"Willow's dead." he said bluntly. "Xander will be staying here for a while." Without waiting to witness their response he headed down the stairs to prepare a room for Xander.
Cordelia and Wesley looked at each other.
"Poor Xander," said Cordelia thoughtfully. "He and Willow have been friends for like, forever."
"I wonder how Buffy's taken the news," pondered Wesley. "They were very close - I hope it doesn't affect her abilities."
At that point, Angel re-emerged from his apartment. Without speaking he headed into the office, coming out again with a sleeping Xander in his arms and carrying him gently down to his apartment to be installed in the bed.
I don't know how long I was asleep but when I awoke I was in Angel's bed. He had removed my jacket and shoes but otherwise I was fully dressed. I just lay there for a while, eyes closed, enjoying the comfort of the bed. I could hear pages turning so I knew Angel was with me and I was safe. I knew it was him, partly because I couldn't hear anyone breathing.
I opened my eyes and looked at him. He was sitting there, reading in French. He seemed to know I was looking at him because he looked at me.
"How are you?" he asked.
"Better," I answered. It's true. I feel that as long as I stay here in Angel's bed, none of it will ever have happened and everything will be all right.
"You can stay here as long as you need to," he tells me. "You won't have to go back until you're ready."
"Thank you,"
"Do you want something to eat?"
I nod and sit up. I realise that I really do need to shave so I get up and go to my duffel bag.
"Anywhere I can get rid of my chin fur?" I ask. He smiles and directs me to the bathroom.
"When I emerge, clean-shaven and feeling much more in control, Angel calls me through to the kitchen. Cordelia and Wesley are there and they just give me these looks, like I might break. I give them a weak grin and sit down.
The meal was tense. Wesley wasn't sure what to do, Xander ate almost in silence, Cordelia was obviously bubbling over with questions and Angel just sat there, watching Xander.
Luckily, the uncomfortable atmosphere was broken by the ringing of the phone. Cordelia leapt up to answer it.
Presently she reappeared, looking subdued.
"Angel, it's Giles. He wants to speak to you." Angel stood up and went to the phone without a word.
"So," said Cordelia brightly. "How long are you staying for?"
"I don't know," replied Xander. "Angel says I can stay for as long as I want to."
"How come you came here anyway? I thought you and Angel hated each other?" Cordelia asked curiously. Xander shrugged, took another bite of toast and said thoughtfully
"I guess I'm here because I knew he'd understand when no one else would."
"Oh," said Cordelia. "I'm sorry about Willow," she said quietly. Xander nodded.
"Things will never be the same again." he said softly.
At that point, Angel walked back into the room.
"He rang to tell me that the funeral's in two weeks," he informed Xander gently. "They're normally sooner but it's a murder investigation after all. It'll be closed casket."
"It'd have to be," said Xander flatly. "It chewed up her face."
"Yuck! That sounds gross!" exclaimed Cordelia.
"It's even worse to see." said Xander. The meal finished in silence.
After the others had gone back to their apartments, Angel looked at Xander.
"What do you want to do?"
"Now or ever?" quipped Xander.
"Either," said Angel. "There's time for you to answer both."
"I'd like to stay here until the funeral," said Xander. "Would that be OK?"
"Sure. I told you, you can stay as long as you want to."
"Thanks," said Xander gratefully. "As for what I'd like to do this very minute, I don't know."
"We should go somewhere. If we stay here you'll dwell on things." pointed out Angel.
"True," agreed Xander. "I thought you liked brooding though?"
"I'm trying to get over it," grimaced Angel. "Cordelia says it's anti-social."
"I won't comment! Where do you want to go?"
"Nowhere you have to dance!" said Angel emphatically. "I know some quietish bars though, where the music isn't too bad."
"We'll go to one of those then." Xander said decisively. Both men collected jackets and as they were heading out of the door, Xander asked thoughtfully,
"Do I trust your taste in music? Spike has extreme taste. Are you taking me to a punk bar or something?"
"Nope. You aren't dressed for it anyway and besides, I will not be held responsible for Spike's taste in music."
"Just wondering."
When they arrived at the bar, Angel ordered them both a beer and they headed for a table.
"This place doesn't actually look that bad," Xander commented, taking a sip of the beer and grimacing slightly at the taste. "How did you find it?"
Angel took note of the grimace and grinned to himself, resolving not to let Xander drink too much as he obviously wasn't used to it.
"Doyle showed it to me,"
"Who's Doyle?"
"Doyle was my, erm, helper, before Wesley. He died."
"Sorry. He had good taste in pubs though."
"Yeah, this place isn't bad. He didn't like it much here though," Angel grinned slightly. "It was a bit quiet for him. This is the one he thought I'd like."
"Well, you do so he was right."
"That's true."
The two lapsed into silence for a while. Angel eventually ordered them another drink and after a while, Xander said,
"D'you know anywhere I might get a job? I need the money."
"They might need bar staff here - you could ask and see. Do you have any experience?"
"Yup. I worked in a bar near the college one time. I also worked in one over the summer."
"Do you still work near the college?"
"No. Giles made me resign after I served Buffy even though I knew she was underage and she and these frat boys got turned into cave people."
"What?" asked Angel incredulously.
"I know. I promised I wouldn't serve her again but he made me quit anyway. Said that I could work for someone who would put stuff in the beer. Besides, it burnt down."
"Why didn't I know about this?"
"Dunno. It wore off and there was no harm done except to the building and the guy she hit over the head with a big stick so I guess we just never mentioned it."
"Anything else happen to Buffy?"
"Nope,"
"So, get me up to date on the Sunnydale gossip."
"You want gossip? Doesn't seem like something you'd be interested in!"
"Call it keeping my ear to the ground and being aware and tell me anyway." Xander laughed.
"Well, Oz left. Oz came back. Oz left again. Trying to control his inner wolf or something. Willow got a girlfriend while he was away, which might go some way to explaining why he left again. The Initiative got shut down and we killed Adam. Spike's still hanging around, betraying everyone and pissing us all off."
"Betraying you?"
"He tried to join Adam to get his chip removed." explained Xander helpfully. "He tried to set us all against each other."
"What chip?" asked Angel in confusion.
"The Initiative got him and stuck a chip in his head. He got away before they did any other similar experiments on him but he can't harm humans now so he can't feed. Giles seems to feel sorry for him and occasionally gives him money. He's now harmless to humans, unless he tries to set everyone against each other, scare you into giving him money or bores you to death."
"He must hate that."
"He's happier now he knows he can hurt demons." Xander's face suddenly lit up as he had a brilliant idea. "We could send him to you! He'd like it here! Lots of new people to annoy, lots of bars.."
"I don't think so," said Angel quickly. "I value my peace and quiet!"
"Do you get any up here?" Angel ordered a third pint each and began to tell Xander about it. To both their surprise, the two talked happily on a variety of subjects though both carefully did not mention Willow and Doyle. After four leisurely pints each, Angel decided it was time to go.
"Come on," he said. "You need to get some sleep."
"Sure," said Xander. He stood up and swayed slightly. "Woah, head rush!" he giggled. Angel grabbed their jackets and Xander followed him out.
The two walked home in silence. Xander thought vaguely that he'd quite enjoyed the evening. Angel wasn't really bad company and he'd helped him forget.
When they got back to the apartment, Angel poured them both a cup of coffee from the machine. Xander switched on the TV and the pair watched the end of a film in companionable silence.
"You can have the bed," said Angel after a while. "You need to sleep properly and you won't do that on a couch."
"Thanks," said Xander gratefully. He was too tired to argue. "Do you mind if I sleep now?"
"Nope. Goodnight Xander."
"Night Angel. Thanks."
"It's OK. Sleep well."
"You too."
There's the first part! REVIEW, and the second part is already written so I'll post it soon!