The Ties that Bind
Part 2
By the Black Goddess
Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I am not connected with Buffy in any way, I don't make any money from this and I don't mean any offence.
Authors notes: SLASH. Man on man in other words - specifically Angel/Xander. Don't like, don't read. Contains character death.
Set between seasons four and five. What would Xander have done if Willow had died? REVIEW please!
Over the next few days a pattern was formed. Angel and Xander took it in turns to have the bed. Xander got himself a job in a bar so he was mostly working nights. If he didn't have a case, Angel would come in and talk to him. It was a routine that both of them were comfortable with. Angel found that it was nice to share his apartment with someone. Xander was similar to Doyle in some ways and Angel found that he was beginning to form a friendship with Xander that went some way to filling the gap created when Doyle died. Xander found Angel's presence reassuring. He felt safe when Angel was around, and knowing that he understood and wanted to help him meant a lot to Xander. His jokes were beginning to make a reappearance and he gradually became more talkative as Angel's presence comforted him.
"It's the funeral in two days," said Xander one evening.
"Are you going?" asked Angel.
"I've got to! She was my best friend!"
"I just meant that you don't have to. If you think it will help you then go, if it'll make things worse then you don't have to go."
"I'm going. Jesse didn't have a funeral after all, somehow the least I can do is go to Willow's."
"Do you want me to come with you?" asked Angel.
"The funeral's in the daytime." Xander looked tempted, but added, "Besides, what about your business?"
"It can look after itself for a day or so," Angel told him. "Besides, Sunnydale's quite close. I can come right back if there's a problem."
"Yeah," said Xander, sounding reassured. "You could stay in my basement."
"Yeah. It's no trouble for me - if you need me, I'll come." promised Angel.
"I'd really appreciate it." Xander admitted. "What it I fall apart? I'm not sure I can do this," he confided.
"You're stronger than you think you are. Trust yourself. Besides, you won't be the only one crying."
This was true. Xander never knew how he got through the service without collapsing. Tears poured down his face through the whole thing and he felt as if he was going to break apart. His world was melting. Buffy was sobbing into Riley's arms, Tara's shoulders were shaking. Using all his strength, Xander kept himself together, just. The church was quite full. Willow had tutored a lot of people and those that had known her had liked her.
When the day was finally over, Xander said goodbye to the others, promising them he'd come round to Giles' the next evening before walking back to his basement.
"How did it go?" asked Angel, as soon as he walked through the door. He had jumped up when the door opened and so was able to catch Xander when the strain caught up with him and his knees buckled. Angel carried him to the bed. Xander stared up at him for a moment and then began to cry. Not the hysterical crying of when he had first come to Angel but completely abandoned, desolate crying. Angel wrapped his arms around him and pulled him onto his lap. Xander clung to him and sobbed. Angel stroked his back and made comforting noises, rocking him gently back and forwards. When he had cried himself out Xander lay quietly, enjoying feeling so safe and the touch of Angel's hand on his back. He looked up at Angel, slightly surprised by how close they were. If he just leaned up slightly, he could kiss him.....
And then he was kissing him and Angel was kissing him back, not fiercely but gently and with so much promise that Xander found himself trembling.
When Angel broke the kiss, Xander leaned straight in for another. Angel moved back slightly, out of Xander's way.
"This isn't a good idea." Angel said softly. "You're upset."
"I know what I'm doing! Please Angel..."
"It's too soon Xander," Angel told him gently. "You need time to heal, from Willow and from Jesse. Anything we start now will fall apart." Xander looked down, thinking hard. Eventually, he nodded, looking up into the other man's dark eyes.
"Hold me?" he asked pleadingly. Angel nodded, leaning back on the bed and pulling Xander to him, just holding him in silence until Xander fell asleep.
The next evening, Xander went round to Giles'. Angel had gone to Willie's bar for some blood and had told Xander he'd go patrolling after that as Buffy probably wouldn't want to.
When Xander walked into Giles', he was not surprised to be the first there.
"Hey Giles," he said, not as cheerfully as usual but making a definite effort to be cheerful.
"Good evening Xander. Tea?"
"OK. Anything but coffee!" Xander replied. "At Angel's there's nothing but coffee and it's making me ill!"
"It was kind of him to let you stay." Giles observed, walking into the kitchen.
"Yeah. We get on better now." Xander told him.
"Who do?" asked Buffy, walking into the lounge. She looked drawn and pale and was clutching Riley's hand tightly. Almost for the first time, Xander noticed how much weight she'd lost, how he could nearly see the outline of bones in her hands.
"Hi Buffy," he said quietly. He wasn't really sure what to say, and for the first time he wondered whether this was because there was nothing to say. Maybe he'd been right when he'd told Angel that Willow was the glue that held them together and without her they'd break apart. And maybe it was time. People grew apart as they got older, he knew that, and maybe it was time for the Scooby gang to dissolve. Not break up, just loosen the ties that bound them and free them all.
"Who do?" Buffy repeated.
"Who do what?" asked Xander in surprise.
"You said 'get along better now' and I said 'Who do?' See?"
"Yep. Well, actually I hear, but I hear and obey oh mistress."
"Can't you ever be serious?" snapped Buffy. "The funeral was yesterday and you're already back to normal."
"No I'm not." Xander said quietly, threat warnings evident in his voice. "I've known Willow for years, longer than you have. She was my best friend and if you think I'd forget her so fast then you don't know me, Buffy."
"Come on, take it easy you two," said Riley quickly. "Everyone's upset and everyone deals with things differently."
"And some people don't deal at all," mumbled Buffy. Xander shot her a killer glare but the argument was postponed by the arrival of Giles with the tea.
After the tea had been poured and the biscuits shared out, an awkward silence fell.
"So," said Xander, feigning a brightness he did not feel, "Anyone see 'Friends' last night?"
"How can you be so heartless?" Buffy asked, dissolving into tears. "Willow's barely buried!"
"Well, I'm not sure why we're here," explained Xander, dropping the light tone and allowing his sorrow and confusion to fill his voice. "I mean, is this a 'Willow was a great person, let's talk about her and cry' gathering or is it a 'now Willow's gone, her share of the research needs to be shared out' occasion?"
There was a pause.
"A bit of both, I believe," said Giles when the silence threatened to become awkward again. "Evil does not end because someone dies and Willow's efforts in the research department were considerable."
"No one can replace Willow," said Buffy.
"I know, and I do understand," said Giles softly, "but at the same time I know that her efforts during times of crisis must be maintained."
"I can't think about that," said Buffy. "All I know is that she's gone."
"Are you OK Buff? You look all thin and pale." Xander asked in concern.
"I've gained weight since she died!" snapped Buffy.
"Oh," said Xander. 'Yikes!' he thought, 'It must be longer than I thought since I last saw her.' He looked at her thoughtfully and was amazed by the change. She had changed from the vibrant, curvaceous fifteen-year-old he'd first known into a scraggy twenty-year-old, eroded, perhaps, by her calling and the pressure of a life which she was determined to make normal or perhaps by something else. He could barely recognise this girl, the curvy, cheerful fifteen-year-old whom he'd had a major crush on not even a shadow in this stranger's eyes. With a strange shock of realisation, Xander saw that he no longer desired this gaunt stranger, no longer required her approval. And with that realisation came further knowledge.
"I'm leaving," he announced into the pause.
"But we've only just got here!" protested Buffy. "Surely Willow deserves more than a quick cuppa of remembrance?"
"She does," said Xander, anger growing inside him at this further insinuation of heartlessness, "but I'll grieve in my own way in my own time Buffy. Just because you're grieving here and now doesn't mean I have to. Besides, that's not what I meant."
"At least I cared!" snapped Buffy. "You don't seem to be affected at all by her death. Ever since I got here it's been nothing but nothing but jokes and smart comments. Anyone'd think it was a pet that'd died, not your best friend!"
"Just because I'm not crying right this second doesn't mean I don't care," yelled Xander, all attempt at staying calm abandoned. "But I guess you're too self-absorbed to notice other people's suffering, aren't you Buffy?"
"Me, self-absorbed? My best friend has just died and you're calling me self-absorbed? You didn't even notice that I'd put on weight!"
"You look like a skeleton - how am I supposed to notice? Any weight you put on can only be an improvement!"
"Is this really the time for this?" interjected Giles. Buffy and Xander both ignored him.
"Just because I don't like to make a public fuss when my best friends die doesn't mean I don't care. I just prefer to grieve quietly, in my own time." Xander snapped.
"Because you've had so much practice." said Buffy sarcastically.
"I have. Jesse was my best friend, remember him? The guy we went through the sewers to rescue before the Harvest?. Jesse, my best friend. One day alive, the next undead and the next the first vampire I killed and someone never to be mentioned again. I grieved quietly for him and I'll grieve quietly for her."
"You've still no right to call me self-absorbed."
"Remember that full moon night, Buffy? When I walked in on you and Angel quarrelling in the mansion, asked if it was a bad time and then left? The night the Hell-mouth opened?"
"What's that got to do with...."
"Do you remember?" Xander yelled angrily. Buffy nodded sulkily.
"Well, guess why I barged in on you and Angel. Earlier I'd been at the Bronze when I'd run into Jack O'Tool. I had Uncle Rory's car, remember? Jack made me take him to the cemetery where we raised him 3 zombie pals. On the way back to the car I meet Giles, trying to contact the spirit guides. He tells me I can't help. My car is now full of zombies. Jack and the gang decide to rob a hardware store and guess whose car has just become the getaway vehicle? While I wait for them, I meet Willow, buying donuts. She says I can't help. I manage to get away from the zombies and rescue Faith from the big blue vampire maidens. We drive back to her place, have sex and she chucks me out in my underwear so she can shower. As I get dressed, I realise that Jack and the others are making a bomb. I came to you and Angel to ask where you thought they'd bomb. But it was a 'bad time' so I had to work it out alone. The bomb was in the school, in the boiler room. I outfaced Jack and got him to disarm it without getting blown up and without getting knifed by him. The next day, all I get is 'Be glad you weren't at school last night." None of you asked me where I was though! None of you, and you all saw me, thought my behaviour was in any way odd. 'Wandering around a cemetery at night?' Normal. 'Behaving in a guilty manner next to a broken window?' 'Bothering the star-crossed lovers at the mansion?' Just Xander! NOW do you think I can call you self-absorbed?"
"We were saving the world! Besides, that's years ago, I've changed."
"Two years and not like that you haven't. That's why I'm leaving. Without Willow, being treated as expendable just isn't worth it. There's nothing for me to stick around for."
The others stared at him, expressions of mingled guilt, shock and sadness on their faces. Xander continued to speak, knowing that he was making the right choice.
"Anya and I were almost finished anyway. I've no permanent job. I could go anywhere. It's time for me to go." He was speaking calmly now, confidence growing inside him.
"If you need me, you can call me but I won't be living in Sunnydale any more." He paused, waiting for someone to say something. When no one did, he looked around.
"I'll be going then. Thanks for everything and especially the tea, Giles. Nice knowing you, Riley. Goodbye Buffy, and good luck." Xander picked up his coat and walked out of the door without looking back. The night air was cool on his face and every step felt lighter than the last, as if he was breaking chains he didn't know he'd had. He was free!
TBC
All that's needed now is the happy ending! Again, it's already written so please REVIEW and I'll post it soon!
Part 2
By the Black Goddess
Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I am not connected with Buffy in any way, I don't make any money from this and I don't mean any offence.
Authors notes: SLASH. Man on man in other words - specifically Angel/Xander. Don't like, don't read. Contains character death.
Set between seasons four and five. What would Xander have done if Willow had died? REVIEW please!
Over the next few days a pattern was formed. Angel and Xander took it in turns to have the bed. Xander got himself a job in a bar so he was mostly working nights. If he didn't have a case, Angel would come in and talk to him. It was a routine that both of them were comfortable with. Angel found that it was nice to share his apartment with someone. Xander was similar to Doyle in some ways and Angel found that he was beginning to form a friendship with Xander that went some way to filling the gap created when Doyle died. Xander found Angel's presence reassuring. He felt safe when Angel was around, and knowing that he understood and wanted to help him meant a lot to Xander. His jokes were beginning to make a reappearance and he gradually became more talkative as Angel's presence comforted him.
"It's the funeral in two days," said Xander one evening.
"Are you going?" asked Angel.
"I've got to! She was my best friend!"
"I just meant that you don't have to. If you think it will help you then go, if it'll make things worse then you don't have to go."
"I'm going. Jesse didn't have a funeral after all, somehow the least I can do is go to Willow's."
"Do you want me to come with you?" asked Angel.
"The funeral's in the daytime." Xander looked tempted, but added, "Besides, what about your business?"
"It can look after itself for a day or so," Angel told him. "Besides, Sunnydale's quite close. I can come right back if there's a problem."
"Yeah," said Xander, sounding reassured. "You could stay in my basement."
"Yeah. It's no trouble for me - if you need me, I'll come." promised Angel.
"I'd really appreciate it." Xander admitted. "What it I fall apart? I'm not sure I can do this," he confided.
"You're stronger than you think you are. Trust yourself. Besides, you won't be the only one crying."
This was true. Xander never knew how he got through the service without collapsing. Tears poured down his face through the whole thing and he felt as if he was going to break apart. His world was melting. Buffy was sobbing into Riley's arms, Tara's shoulders were shaking. Using all his strength, Xander kept himself together, just. The church was quite full. Willow had tutored a lot of people and those that had known her had liked her.
When the day was finally over, Xander said goodbye to the others, promising them he'd come round to Giles' the next evening before walking back to his basement.
"How did it go?" asked Angel, as soon as he walked through the door. He had jumped up when the door opened and so was able to catch Xander when the strain caught up with him and his knees buckled. Angel carried him to the bed. Xander stared up at him for a moment and then began to cry. Not the hysterical crying of when he had first come to Angel but completely abandoned, desolate crying. Angel wrapped his arms around him and pulled him onto his lap. Xander clung to him and sobbed. Angel stroked his back and made comforting noises, rocking him gently back and forwards. When he had cried himself out Xander lay quietly, enjoying feeling so safe and the touch of Angel's hand on his back. He looked up at Angel, slightly surprised by how close they were. If he just leaned up slightly, he could kiss him.....
And then he was kissing him and Angel was kissing him back, not fiercely but gently and with so much promise that Xander found himself trembling.
When Angel broke the kiss, Xander leaned straight in for another. Angel moved back slightly, out of Xander's way.
"This isn't a good idea." Angel said softly. "You're upset."
"I know what I'm doing! Please Angel..."
"It's too soon Xander," Angel told him gently. "You need time to heal, from Willow and from Jesse. Anything we start now will fall apart." Xander looked down, thinking hard. Eventually, he nodded, looking up into the other man's dark eyes.
"Hold me?" he asked pleadingly. Angel nodded, leaning back on the bed and pulling Xander to him, just holding him in silence until Xander fell asleep.
The next evening, Xander went round to Giles'. Angel had gone to Willie's bar for some blood and had told Xander he'd go patrolling after that as Buffy probably wouldn't want to.
When Xander walked into Giles', he was not surprised to be the first there.
"Hey Giles," he said, not as cheerfully as usual but making a definite effort to be cheerful.
"Good evening Xander. Tea?"
"OK. Anything but coffee!" Xander replied. "At Angel's there's nothing but coffee and it's making me ill!"
"It was kind of him to let you stay." Giles observed, walking into the kitchen.
"Yeah. We get on better now." Xander told him.
"Who do?" asked Buffy, walking into the lounge. She looked drawn and pale and was clutching Riley's hand tightly. Almost for the first time, Xander noticed how much weight she'd lost, how he could nearly see the outline of bones in her hands.
"Hi Buffy," he said quietly. He wasn't really sure what to say, and for the first time he wondered whether this was because there was nothing to say. Maybe he'd been right when he'd told Angel that Willow was the glue that held them together and without her they'd break apart. And maybe it was time. People grew apart as they got older, he knew that, and maybe it was time for the Scooby gang to dissolve. Not break up, just loosen the ties that bound them and free them all.
"Who do?" Buffy repeated.
"Who do what?" asked Xander in surprise.
"You said 'get along better now' and I said 'Who do?' See?"
"Yep. Well, actually I hear, but I hear and obey oh mistress."
"Can't you ever be serious?" snapped Buffy. "The funeral was yesterday and you're already back to normal."
"No I'm not." Xander said quietly, threat warnings evident in his voice. "I've known Willow for years, longer than you have. She was my best friend and if you think I'd forget her so fast then you don't know me, Buffy."
"Come on, take it easy you two," said Riley quickly. "Everyone's upset and everyone deals with things differently."
"And some people don't deal at all," mumbled Buffy. Xander shot her a killer glare but the argument was postponed by the arrival of Giles with the tea.
After the tea had been poured and the biscuits shared out, an awkward silence fell.
"So," said Xander, feigning a brightness he did not feel, "Anyone see 'Friends' last night?"
"How can you be so heartless?" Buffy asked, dissolving into tears. "Willow's barely buried!"
"Well, I'm not sure why we're here," explained Xander, dropping the light tone and allowing his sorrow and confusion to fill his voice. "I mean, is this a 'Willow was a great person, let's talk about her and cry' gathering or is it a 'now Willow's gone, her share of the research needs to be shared out' occasion?"
There was a pause.
"A bit of both, I believe," said Giles when the silence threatened to become awkward again. "Evil does not end because someone dies and Willow's efforts in the research department were considerable."
"No one can replace Willow," said Buffy.
"I know, and I do understand," said Giles softly, "but at the same time I know that her efforts during times of crisis must be maintained."
"I can't think about that," said Buffy. "All I know is that she's gone."
"Are you OK Buff? You look all thin and pale." Xander asked in concern.
"I've gained weight since she died!" snapped Buffy.
"Oh," said Xander. 'Yikes!' he thought, 'It must be longer than I thought since I last saw her.' He looked at her thoughtfully and was amazed by the change. She had changed from the vibrant, curvaceous fifteen-year-old he'd first known into a scraggy twenty-year-old, eroded, perhaps, by her calling and the pressure of a life which she was determined to make normal or perhaps by something else. He could barely recognise this girl, the curvy, cheerful fifteen-year-old whom he'd had a major crush on not even a shadow in this stranger's eyes. With a strange shock of realisation, Xander saw that he no longer desired this gaunt stranger, no longer required her approval. And with that realisation came further knowledge.
"I'm leaving," he announced into the pause.
"But we've only just got here!" protested Buffy. "Surely Willow deserves more than a quick cuppa of remembrance?"
"She does," said Xander, anger growing inside him at this further insinuation of heartlessness, "but I'll grieve in my own way in my own time Buffy. Just because you're grieving here and now doesn't mean I have to. Besides, that's not what I meant."
"At least I cared!" snapped Buffy. "You don't seem to be affected at all by her death. Ever since I got here it's been nothing but nothing but jokes and smart comments. Anyone'd think it was a pet that'd died, not your best friend!"
"Just because I'm not crying right this second doesn't mean I don't care," yelled Xander, all attempt at staying calm abandoned. "But I guess you're too self-absorbed to notice other people's suffering, aren't you Buffy?"
"Me, self-absorbed? My best friend has just died and you're calling me self-absorbed? You didn't even notice that I'd put on weight!"
"You look like a skeleton - how am I supposed to notice? Any weight you put on can only be an improvement!"
"Is this really the time for this?" interjected Giles. Buffy and Xander both ignored him.
"Just because I don't like to make a public fuss when my best friends die doesn't mean I don't care. I just prefer to grieve quietly, in my own time." Xander snapped.
"Because you've had so much practice." said Buffy sarcastically.
"I have. Jesse was my best friend, remember him? The guy we went through the sewers to rescue before the Harvest?. Jesse, my best friend. One day alive, the next undead and the next the first vampire I killed and someone never to be mentioned again. I grieved quietly for him and I'll grieve quietly for her."
"You've still no right to call me self-absorbed."
"Remember that full moon night, Buffy? When I walked in on you and Angel quarrelling in the mansion, asked if it was a bad time and then left? The night the Hell-mouth opened?"
"What's that got to do with...."
"Do you remember?" Xander yelled angrily. Buffy nodded sulkily.
"Well, guess why I barged in on you and Angel. Earlier I'd been at the Bronze when I'd run into Jack O'Tool. I had Uncle Rory's car, remember? Jack made me take him to the cemetery where we raised him 3 zombie pals. On the way back to the car I meet Giles, trying to contact the spirit guides. He tells me I can't help. My car is now full of zombies. Jack and the gang decide to rob a hardware store and guess whose car has just become the getaway vehicle? While I wait for them, I meet Willow, buying donuts. She says I can't help. I manage to get away from the zombies and rescue Faith from the big blue vampire maidens. We drive back to her place, have sex and she chucks me out in my underwear so she can shower. As I get dressed, I realise that Jack and the others are making a bomb. I came to you and Angel to ask where you thought they'd bomb. But it was a 'bad time' so I had to work it out alone. The bomb was in the school, in the boiler room. I outfaced Jack and got him to disarm it without getting blown up and without getting knifed by him. The next day, all I get is 'Be glad you weren't at school last night." None of you asked me where I was though! None of you, and you all saw me, thought my behaviour was in any way odd. 'Wandering around a cemetery at night?' Normal. 'Behaving in a guilty manner next to a broken window?' 'Bothering the star-crossed lovers at the mansion?' Just Xander! NOW do you think I can call you self-absorbed?"
"We were saving the world! Besides, that's years ago, I've changed."
"Two years and not like that you haven't. That's why I'm leaving. Without Willow, being treated as expendable just isn't worth it. There's nothing for me to stick around for."
The others stared at him, expressions of mingled guilt, shock and sadness on their faces. Xander continued to speak, knowing that he was making the right choice.
"Anya and I were almost finished anyway. I've no permanent job. I could go anywhere. It's time for me to go." He was speaking calmly now, confidence growing inside him.
"If you need me, you can call me but I won't be living in Sunnydale any more." He paused, waiting for someone to say something. When no one did, he looked around.
"I'll be going then. Thanks for everything and especially the tea, Giles. Nice knowing you, Riley. Goodbye Buffy, and good luck." Xander picked up his coat and walked out of the door without looking back. The night air was cool on his face and every step felt lighter than the last, as if he was breaking chains he didn't know he'd had. He was free!
TBC
All that's needed now is the happy ending! Again, it's already written so please REVIEW and I'll post it soon!