The truth can release the demons
Alan lay watching the millions of sparkling stars scattered around in the deep mysterious eternity of space, remembering clearly what John had once explained to him when he was 6 and had woke up scared because of a bad dream.
" Whenever you feel alone remember you are never alone, because the stars are always there even when you can't see them." That night and every other night from then on, whenever he felt alone he looked up and fell asleep under their watchful protection. That was one of many reasons why John loved to be on Thunderbird 5 he felt closer to them and sheltered and secure by their continuous watch over him. Right then Alan felt so isolated, his face was lined with red marks were the endless flow of tears had fallen from his now bloodshot eyes, which no longer sparked which his irrepressible, lovable charm.
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"Shall I tell dad? Alan would hate me forever if I did, but then Alan needs him I am going to have to."
Scott spoke with concern to his closest brother, most level headed brother.
"I don't know I can't believe he thinks like this, why, I don't understand, Scott come on we have to tell dad".
"Virgil ever the voice of reason" Scott and Virgil both smirked.
" Tell me what?" A deep powerful voice echoed around the lounge instantly both brothers fell silent."I am not exactly sure what's going on but I want to know, and I want to know now!"
Scott and Virgil exchanged worried glances; there was no other way to answer their father when he spoke like that, other then with the truth.
"Nothing were just tired", the words were spoken with an explicit tone.
Uncertain of whether that was the truth, Jeff looked over, like he always did to his eldest for the confirmation on what had been said.
Scott looked to the source of the response.
His younger brothers had always protected and backed each other up, whether it had been on missions from life threatening dangers or just who stole one of grandma's freshly baked cookies.
Scott had never lied about anything serious to his father and he knew the trust they shared between each other had been the strongest reason why Scott was second in command and the leader on the missions, creating a dilemma now.
"Yes he's right, we just need some rest "
As Scott spoke the words he was very relieved that there were no lights on in the lounge so his father couldn't see into his eyes, which would have revealed the untold truth.
"Ok, then go to bed boys"Jeff studied them as they left the room and then went over to his desk.
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"A second later with that response and he would have known everything"
Scott snapped, again performing his 'I am your bigger brother, second in charge' attitude, which was aimed, as per usual at his younger brothers.
"And that wouldn't have helped in anyway" he shot back
Scott had dragged his brother into his bedroom to finally find out what was going on, and Virgil had tailed on behind.
He walked on to Scott's balcony, only to be followed by Virgil who forced him in to a hug.
"I love you so much kid, please why are you thinking like this, it wasn't your fault what happened, you can't blame yourself Alan"
Virgil pulled Alan back to face him, and gave Scott a warning look as he noticed in the starlight that basked onto Alan's features, the tears that had fallen for the previous hours. Scott walked towards them and noticed the reason for the worried glance from Virgil before; he pulled Alan into his arms and sat down on his bed, with Virgil covering Alan's other side.
Silence passed through the room only the sounds of faint breathing and the even tick of a clock disturbed the peace for an unknown amount of time.
"You just to stroke my hair when I was kid" Alan said silently, but which sounded so thunderous compared to the stillness before.
"Yep we did, didn't we Scott, when you needed to go to sleep or needed to relax."
"And your still a kid" Scott mentioned
"Why Alan? Please the truth why?"
Alan sighed deeply, would revealing his feeling bring him the peace he was so desperately after, it didn't matter they already knew most of it he decided.
"It all began when I was 4 I heard you two and John explaining to Gordon about how mum died, do you remember?
Scott, Alan and Virgil all began to recall that night……….
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…"Scotty, Scotty, Scotty… "The 6 year old chanted "Go to sleep Gordy please, I know dad's not home yet but you have to go to bed" "Virgie, Virgie, Virgie""No, bed"
"Johnny, Johnny, Johnny"
"Come on Scott, Virg he's is never going to sleep if we don't read him one more story, Alan got 3 stories."
" Yep, Al- Al got 3"
" Thanks for telling him that John, and thank god he finally went to sleep."
"Ok one more, and bed""Hooray" Gordon said jumping on his bed.
"…And David woke up in the arms of his mummy realising living under the sea and swimming with the whales was only a dream, for now anyway. THE END"
Scott sighed with relief, Gordon always had this book read to him.
"Now sleep"
Virgil and John said with as much relief as Scott that the book was over as all 3 left the room.
"Wait, Scotty, Johnny, Virgy, why doesn't mummy took us up in bed" Gordon said as his almond eyes dipped."Are mummy had to go away when Alan was born, remember" John said softy
" Yes Gordon I wish she was here to but she can't be" Virgil's voice was small and emotional
"So mummy died because of Alan" Gordon posed
"Erm I sort of, its complicated, when Alan was born mummy died " Scott said not completely sure himself then.
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"Alan I was just making it simple for Gordo, he was young and he didn't understand I never meant it like you think" Scott's voice whispered regret.
"You were asleep how do you know what we said?" Virgil asked
"I was, listening from the door, and I thought from then on you wanted mum not me and that I had been responsible and it hurt" Alan's voice got softer as Scott and Virgil pulled him closer.
"Nothing more was needed, I knew how much you all loved mum, dad especially and it just got re-enforced every time dad or you got upset I thought you regretted me and wanted me to leave.
" You understand know your older that it wasn't your fault and it was an accident, so why do you still believe it"
"If mum hadn't of had me then you would have all been happy, like on the pictures from before I was born, and that regret just seems to control everything, and the guilt I just had to cope with it, and a few days ago when I saw how upset you were Scott just by my birth certificate, and those people we didn't save and hearing what mum said to you when she died just brought it back again I suppose."
Tears lined his face once again.
"Alan we love you and we don't regret you, we never will"
"Just stop this please Alan, stop this inconsideration for your life, like when you went to stop that alligator in the Amazon, to free fall climbing, or your just going to cause us more hurt." Virgil pleaded.
"Alan you come see us when you feel like this or anytime, ok any of us, promise me now!"
The youngest Tracy looked at his two eldest brothers and softly smiled, he was so thankful for his brothers and un-usually thought how luck he was to be the youngest.
"I promise, I love you to" Alan felt like his soul had been freed from the demons of regret and guilt that haunted his life, and felt he could finally face what he had wanted to do since that night the guilt had found him. He would do it tomorrow, he thought.
" Thanks Scott, Virg you are the best"
"It was nothing, just what we promised mum, to look after you." Scott and Virgil both felt a sense of pride and their concern lift.
"We better go to bed we will talk more tomorrow." Virgil suggested after receiving a long hug from Alan.
"No its over, apart from there are two people I need to see, but I suppose we had go to bed now, don't want only Gordon and John out saving the world why we are still sleeping tomorrow " Scott laughed contently
" What you mean they couldn't go anywhere, where the pilots, they wouldn't even know how to take off" Virgil stated, causing both Scott and Virgil noticed the sparkle and fire in Alan's eyes return as the trio laughed together.
"Night Al" Virgil called
"Scott, Virg…." Alan paused
"What""Can this stay between us" Scott and Virgil smiled
"We swear no-one else will know ok""Thanks"
" Oh one more thing Alan" Scott remembered as he pulled something from his pocket
"Here's your journal""I am still going to get you back for reading it" Alan said stubbornly but jokingly
"I never did" Alan and Virgil looked at his with confusion
"What, then how did you know.."
" I only knew something was wrong the rest you just told us" Scott stated.
Virgil suddenly expected a row to start, but Alan just smiled.
"You tricked me Scott, I'm glad you did, it got me talking, but I think there is someone else I need to talk to as well."
The elder Tracy boys left smiling and so grateful for their baby brother.
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Hope you enjoyed last chapter soon.