Disclaimer: JAG belongs to DPB and CBS and All About Loving You by Bon Jovi. No infringement intended.
All stories can be found at:
Yahoo Group ~ http://groups.yahoo.com/group/masumi_fanfics/
Website ~ http://www.geocities.com/masumi_marine/
Any suggestions, comments, constructive criticism welcome
Harm watched with a small twinge as Mac walked away from him. To anyone else, there was no major significance in her move, but he knew her too well. Their … friendship was more, or was it possibly less? than a dance, as Mac had named it. It was now more like a game of cat and mouse. When one gave chase, the other ran. As fast as they could, in the opposite direction.
He followed to lean on the railing next her, careful to leave at least a good thirty centimetre gap between their arms. He too, followed Mac's gaze up to the skies, searching languidly for some sort of divine answer to all their problems.
The weather was mild, the clouds a collaged blanket of lightly tinged blue and pink. The river was a mysterious body of water, gently rippling to its own melody. Directly ahead, the Eiffel Tower stood looming majestically in an array of multicoloured lighting.
The bizarre paradox of their current situation wasn't lost to Mac and she was positive Harm wasn't oblivious to the circumstances either. Another bridge, another ferry in the not too distant past, had been the catalyst of the downward spiral in the most recent chapter of their lives.
"Deja-vu?" Harm offered nervously, breaking the electrically charged air that had unwittingly crept up to surround them. The perfect irony of his words caused them both to release dry, uneasy chuckles.
"Yea" Mac agreed needlessly.
Long pause.
"Mac about the other night –-"
She knew instinctively from his low tone of voice, that they were heading towards their Bermuda triangle of complex feelings and emotions, risking another attempt at re-entrance with no return. Unwilling and unable to jeopardise an otherwise perfect night, Mac interrupted before he could continue his train of thought.
"Harm … thank you. I had the best time today."
"Hey, I should be thanking you. You saved me from my annual Grinch-fest." This time, Harm was relieved to hear Mac toss him a genuine laugh.
"So did you have a good Christmas?" he asked lightly.
"Yea. If you consider lone companionship with a stack of foreign paperwork and offerings of infamous French frog legs enjoyable" Mac said half jokingly.
"I could have asked the Admiral to come and accompany you, you know." Harm said in all seriousness.
"Nah, it wasn't too bad" she dismissed.
Another long pause.
"You didn't call" Harm commented quietly. The reasoning's to which he'd been agonising over for the last week.
"Neither did you" Mac replied without thinking.
Harm cringed, hearing the tangible disappointment and hurt in her voice. He knew without doubt she was referring to the night of the Christmas party. "I know and I'm sorry I didn't think of it."
"It's ok" she said looking away, brushing it off as if it had been no big deal.
"No it's not ok, but --"
"Harm, I said it doesn't matter," Mac quickly broke him off once more.
"Sarah, will you just listen to me, please?"
The rarest sound of her name from his lips infiltrated her resolve effectively.
"I heard your message after getting home from Bud and Harriets'. I was going to drop by and see you on Christmas day, but obviously you'd already left by then. I only found out from the Admiral at noon …" Harm trailed off, it was leading up to the hard part.
Needing the reassurance to hold on, onto Mac, he slid his right hand cautiously along the railing, over the smooth skin of her folded left arm to her clasped hands.
Mac stilled and tensed as she felt his large hands move gently over the length of her arm, his whole arm and hand covering her own. Other than the uncontrollable rapid beating of her heart, she didn't dare move a muscle. The heat emanating from him was branding her aflame.
Harm continued when she didn't object or reject his hold. "You need to understand. When I go up there to fly, I can't afford to think about … loved ones. I can't dwell on the what ifs, about Mom and Grams … what it would do to them if something was to happen to me like my dad. I can't let it worry me and I don't let them fret about me either, every single time I get into the cockpit. They've probably learnt not to by now over the years." He laughed with humourless sadness. "We all learn the skill early on and it just becomes a natural part of being a pilot."
"Oh Harm, I'm sorry." Mac apologised feeling ashamed. Now she understood with sudden clarity, the reasoning behind his apparently careless attitude.
Harm placed a finger on her lips before she could say anymore. He had to go on alone before his willpower evaporated into thin air, leaving him with nothing but emptiness like the previous times he'd tried in this field. He returned his hold on her hands, but shifted his line of sight around, unable to hold her guarded gaze for too long.
"Hearing the worry in your voice, it hit me then how much my flying really affects you. I wanted to see you and explain," his grip tightened. "These last few days I just wanted – I need to be with you. And I realised, that was how you must feel at times. Not being able to drive over and knock on your door anytime I wanted, or to simply hear your voice … I must've jammed my answering machine playing your message repeatedly," he laughed ruefully.
"Anyway, I guess it was my lonely apartment, this time of the year, I don't know. But my mind started to analyse my life on its own violation. What I have, don't have and what I want. I'm turning forty, forty!," Harm repeated, as if he was unable to grasp the concept. He turned to give her his full attention.
"And you know what happened Mac?"
Mac stared wide eyed; unaware her mouth had fallen slightly agape. She was struggling to keep up with his soliloquy. In all the years of their friendship and even that night of her engagement party, she had never ever heard Harm talk so candidly or so intimately about his feelings. Talks about themselves had always been related to others or generalised, so that the discussions were encrypted in a code, that both would always fail dismally to translate.
The rapid beating of her heart had run out of steam, to an agonisingly slow thump … … thump. The beats would have suspended, like the holding of her breath with anticipation if it had been humanly possible.
"I finally acknowledged what has always been here for such a long time," Harm tapped with his left hand at his chest above his heart. "I've been running from so long. From you, me, us … I allowed the fear to consume me and ignored everything else. The realisation made me miss you even more. So badly that it physically ached." Harm revealed this last piece of information with what sounded disbelievingly to Mac like awe? By now his eyes were just as wide and wild as hers.
"Wha-what are you saying Harm?" Mac whispered, dreading and simultaneously hanging on for his next words.
You can take this world away
You're everything I am
Just read the lines upon my face
I'm all about lovin' you
Harm unconsciously bit his lower lip and gripped her hands tighter, his sweaty palm unnoticed by either of them, and took the final plunge. "I want to share in your dreams Sarah. Whatever happens with JAG, we'll sort it out, deal with it. I want to enjoy the days spoiling our kids with their mom. We'll move in together, wherever, it doesn't matter. If … if I could be your good man."
The next thing Harm had to do, took just as much courage as his heartfelt revelations. Placing his fate in Mac's hands, he held her gaze pleadingly and awaited her answer. Each and every single emotion that passed through Mac's eyes, her face, in the next thirty seconds would be magnified ten-fold for him.
Harm saw first, her stunned expression and then watched with fear as Mac's face scowled up, panic flashing through her eyes. It felt as if all the blood in his system was rushing to his head, roaring in his ears like pounding waves. The first tides of doubt and disillusionment pulled in to extinguish his hopes and dreams.
It was too
much. Harm began to turn away, when incredulously he caught sight of the
features on Mac's face relax and clear. He watched her take a deep breath, her
chest visibly exhaling. His gaze returned to her face and … and he noticed with
shock that her eyelashes were glistening from tears.
"Wil-will you, throw in the shoes as well?" Mac finally managed to choke out with a tearful laugh.
It took a few seconds for her words to register. "As many as you want" Harm replied fervently, his voice hush with the tiniest sparks of renewed optimism.
At that same instant, the countdown to the New Year began from shore and on board. It was the countdown to the end or beginning of Harm and Mac's life.
The first moments of 2003 were suspended in time for them, as Mac threw her arms around Harm's neck and pressed her lips to his. Harm felt the wetness of her tears on his face as he pulled her into a crushing embrace.
The sky exploded in a thousand of sparks of light with all the colours of rainbow fireworks. Cheering and clapping erupted in unison. The ship's motors restarted, preparing to move on towards the Eiffel Tower, which glowed like a beacon, pulling them through stormy seas with an unseen force.
Parting long seconds later, Harm realised it was his own blend of tears that was reflecting back at him, within the sparkles of happiness in Sarah MacKenzie's eyes.