Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear Solid or any characters associated with
the game. That all belongs to Hideo Kojima, but I think we all understood
that point before deciding to read my spoof. If this disclaimer somehow
escapes your mental grasp, you should probably request to repeat grade 2.
The rest of you, enjoy!
Author's Note: This is my first fan fic. I used to take part in a fun thread on a message board with my friends that was somehow turned into a fiction of sorts. So, we'll just see how I do here. This spoof will NOT be in the normal story format. Reviews are much appreciated. Now, on with the story! (Read: On with the jokes at Metal Gear Solid's expense)
Chapter 1: The George Washington Bridge
Snake: So, when does this take start? It's really cold and wet out here.
Director: In about two minutes, Solid.
::Snake points his modified M9 at the Director.::
Director: If you think you'll speed up the take by threatening me then the jokes on you buddy! There's no tranquilizers in that gun!
::Snake drops the M9 to the ground, then punches the Director out cold. Immediately, a giddy, dancing figure can be seen farther down the bridge with the technical staff. That figure…was Raiden.::
Raiden: So does this mean I can direct now? It's a simple take. I can handle it! Why doesn't anyone think I can do it?? WHY WON'T YOU LET ME PROVE MYSELF?!?!
Snake: Err…we didn't say anything yet.
Technician: I think it would be best if we wake up--
Snake: -- I think it would be best if you shut the hell up! Whatever gets me out of this rain faster!
Raiden: You could just tell the guy on top of the bridge to turn the hose off…
:: Meanwhile, the man atop the bridge has been listening in over radio with the Technical Staff.::
Man: ……Hose?
:And back on the ground, the disgusted yells and moans of the technical staff have carried all the way up to the bridge, and also alerted Snake to the possibility of something wrong.::
Snake: What? What's so disgusting?
Raiden: Well, the good news is nobody has to tell the man up there to turn the hose off, it should just stop flowing in a minute. The bad news is we don't have a shower anywhere close by for you to use.
Snake: WHAT? THAT'S DISGUSTING!
Technician: Blame it on budget cuts. We couldn't afford 500 feet of hose.
Snake: But you could afford all those cameras and other electrical equipment?
Technician: Well, yes….and I also got my Ferrari waxed.
Snake: ::grumbles::
Raiden: I guess we'll be getting on with the take now. You'll want to get yourself out of this "downpour" I'm sure. EVERYONE OFF THE SET! SOMEBODY COME MOVE THE DIRECTOR!
::Almost immediately, three Technical staff lift Raiden up and carry him away.::
Raiden: You idiots! I meant the normal director.
Technician: Snake took care of that already.
Raiden: What? How?
::Raiden is dropped into his director's chair, allowing him a chance to look back onto the set. Snake is laughing like a giddy schoolgirl as the director's body plummets towards the water below.::
Technician: More doughnuts for us then.
Snake: LET'S GET THIS THING OVER WITH!!
Raiden: Right…places everyone. Get the cameras set up. Okay, annnnnnnnd ACTION!
Snake: …..SOMEBODY BUMMED MY SMOKES!!
Raiden: CUT! Snake needs those for the game, and especially this scene! Whomever stole them should return them now!
::A coughing voice is heard from somewhere in the back of all the cameras.::
???: No way is he ::cough:: getting them back! I'm in flavour country!
Raiden: He only needs one!!
???: It's a big country.
Snake: Well that's just --
::A cig falls into Snake's outstretched hand from far above.::
Snake: --great! Let's do this!
Raiden: Alright. We clear on set? Good. Annnnnnnnnd ACTION!
::Snake begins the scene walking and smoking, everything is going according to plan. Or so it seems. Back behind the cameras, all is not well.::
Technician: Raiden, we're almost out of Hot Wheels to throw forward past the camera.
Raiden: I was wondering why all the cars said "Mattel". Okay, well we're almost done. Just keep them going. Whoops, time for voice over! Cue the Audio guys!
Audio Guy: Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! I can't find the pre-recorded tape!
Raiden: Well, throw something on!
::In a panic, the Audio Guy throws a tape on, and awaits the result with baited breath while Snake starts his run. Then, the audio kicks in.::
"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts. There they are a-standing in a row. Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head. Give'em a twist. A flick of the wrist….."
::All the while, Snake tries not to react and keeps up his running, until he reaches the spot where he is scheduled to jump, but that would be done in another scene, along with the visuals of his invisibility cloak.::
Raiden: CUT! That's a wrap. We are not going to do this one over, Snake's smell is making some of the technician's nauseous.
::As if on cue, a technician falls unconscious onto the blacktop.::
Raiden: Toss that guy over the side, and let's get this equipment outta here people. We're done for today…
Author's Note: And that's the first chapter. It's not nearly as funny as I would have hoped. But I'll leave it up to those of you who review it. I'd love to know what you think. I should have another chapter up very soon, unless you'd all like me to quit right now.
Author's Note: This is my first fan fic. I used to take part in a fun thread on a message board with my friends that was somehow turned into a fiction of sorts. So, we'll just see how I do here. This spoof will NOT be in the normal story format. Reviews are much appreciated. Now, on with the story! (Read: On with the jokes at Metal Gear Solid's expense)
Chapter 1: The George Washington Bridge
Snake: So, when does this take start? It's really cold and wet out here.
Director: In about two minutes, Solid.
::Snake points his modified M9 at the Director.::
Director: If you think you'll speed up the take by threatening me then the jokes on you buddy! There's no tranquilizers in that gun!
::Snake drops the M9 to the ground, then punches the Director out cold. Immediately, a giddy, dancing figure can be seen farther down the bridge with the technical staff. That figure…was Raiden.::
Raiden: So does this mean I can direct now? It's a simple take. I can handle it! Why doesn't anyone think I can do it?? WHY WON'T YOU LET ME PROVE MYSELF?!?!
Snake: Err…we didn't say anything yet.
Technician: I think it would be best if we wake up--
Snake: -- I think it would be best if you shut the hell up! Whatever gets me out of this rain faster!
Raiden: You could just tell the guy on top of the bridge to turn the hose off…
:: Meanwhile, the man atop the bridge has been listening in over radio with the Technical Staff.::
Man: ……Hose?
:And back on the ground, the disgusted yells and moans of the technical staff have carried all the way up to the bridge, and also alerted Snake to the possibility of something wrong.::
Snake: What? What's so disgusting?
Raiden: Well, the good news is nobody has to tell the man up there to turn the hose off, it should just stop flowing in a minute. The bad news is we don't have a shower anywhere close by for you to use.
Snake: WHAT? THAT'S DISGUSTING!
Technician: Blame it on budget cuts. We couldn't afford 500 feet of hose.
Snake: But you could afford all those cameras and other electrical equipment?
Technician: Well, yes….and I also got my Ferrari waxed.
Snake: ::grumbles::
Raiden: I guess we'll be getting on with the take now. You'll want to get yourself out of this "downpour" I'm sure. EVERYONE OFF THE SET! SOMEBODY COME MOVE THE DIRECTOR!
::Almost immediately, three Technical staff lift Raiden up and carry him away.::
Raiden: You idiots! I meant the normal director.
Technician: Snake took care of that already.
Raiden: What? How?
::Raiden is dropped into his director's chair, allowing him a chance to look back onto the set. Snake is laughing like a giddy schoolgirl as the director's body plummets towards the water below.::
Technician: More doughnuts for us then.
Snake: LET'S GET THIS THING OVER WITH!!
Raiden: Right…places everyone. Get the cameras set up. Okay, annnnnnnnd ACTION!
Snake: …..SOMEBODY BUMMED MY SMOKES!!
Raiden: CUT! Snake needs those for the game, and especially this scene! Whomever stole them should return them now!
::A coughing voice is heard from somewhere in the back of all the cameras.::
???: No way is he ::cough:: getting them back! I'm in flavour country!
Raiden: He only needs one!!
???: It's a big country.
Snake: Well that's just --
::A cig falls into Snake's outstretched hand from far above.::
Snake: --great! Let's do this!
Raiden: Alright. We clear on set? Good. Annnnnnnnnd ACTION!
::Snake begins the scene walking and smoking, everything is going according to plan. Or so it seems. Back behind the cameras, all is not well.::
Technician: Raiden, we're almost out of Hot Wheels to throw forward past the camera.
Raiden: I was wondering why all the cars said "Mattel". Okay, well we're almost done. Just keep them going. Whoops, time for voice over! Cue the Audio guys!
Audio Guy: Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! I can't find the pre-recorded tape!
Raiden: Well, throw something on!
::In a panic, the Audio Guy throws a tape on, and awaits the result with baited breath while Snake starts his run. Then, the audio kicks in.::
"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts. There they are a-standing in a row. Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head. Give'em a twist. A flick of the wrist….."
::All the while, Snake tries not to react and keeps up his running, until he reaches the spot where he is scheduled to jump, but that would be done in another scene, along with the visuals of his invisibility cloak.::
Raiden: CUT! That's a wrap. We are not going to do this one over, Snake's smell is making some of the technician's nauseous.
::As if on cue, a technician falls unconscious onto the blacktop.::
Raiden: Toss that guy over the side, and let's get this equipment outta here people. We're done for today…
Author's Note: And that's the first chapter. It's not nearly as funny as I would have hoped. But I'll leave it up to those of you who review it. I'd love to know what you think. I should have another chapter up very soon, unless you'd all like me to quit right now.