The cool mountain air fought with the warmer air escaping from the insides of the temple heated with big coal burners. It felt like a warm wind was gently caressing the skin of her face as she stared out on the verdant mountain valleys that stretched as far as her eyes could see. She walked back to the cushioned couch that she often used for her meditations. She was dressed in a jade green silk pants suit that she had bought in one of the southern port cities on her way through the land. It looked almost exactly like the one she had worn when they or at least the weird godlike force channeled by Xena had been fighting Lao Ma's evil daughter and son.
Slowly she closed her eyelids hiding her emerald orbs behind their folds. She focused on her breathing and did little more than that. Many people before the masters of the temple had worked to teach her the patient art of meditation and quiet contemplation. Only Eli had ever come close and it was from his lessons she now drew the skill that the masters prized so in her. Her mind began to wander her thoughts focused on the past.
The last four months had passed in a strange blur of intense martial arts training mixed with hours upon hours spent either in mediation or in discussion with the wise masters of the temple. For the first time since she began her quest to find something to stop the ever growing warrior nature of her soul, something to explain why she should live on as a person with a purpose besides being Xena's friend.
The masters of this place had taught her many things already. She remembered the first long discussion she had led with Master Li.
"Why are you here?" He had started the lesion that day by asking a simple question, but she had struggled to find an answer knowing that a short explanation was probably not what he wanted.
"I am seeking something…… You see I didn't grow up believing that I would ever become what I am now. I never thought, when I was young, I would find myself against as a dangerous warrior, who can and has killed in a haze of anger led on by hate and the need for vengeance. They're the very things I thought, I of all people could put behind me. I have struggled to find an answer to that and so many other questions," she had explained.
The old man had just looked at her funnily and told her: "You'll find no answers when you're struggling with yourself. You will find later on that you already had the seed for the truth in your heart and soul. We can't tell you the answers. There is no magic wand here to wave and make everything better. We will help you find your answers, but we cannot do it for you little one." He had smiled and then just left.
Another time had been spent with Master Fong a man she found pleasant and easy to talk to. They had built quite a friendship over the first month and she soon found that he was the one giving her all her lessons. It seemed that he had become her private soul healer. She had shared many stories of her life with Xena with him until one day he had asked: "And where were you? Were you but a shadow? Were you just a clay figure that Xena modeled in her image to leave in her place after she died?"
"No, Xena loved me for who I was, whoever that was. I changed during our life together and while, I think, Xena in the end found it convenient that she no longer had to fight my battles as well as her own. I also think she would have been just as happy, if I had never become the battling bard. I've reconciled myself with being a warrior fully now. I have put any guilt about that to rest by now," she had explained.
"Then when you can honestly say that she is not to blame and you feel no guilt over becoming a warrior on top of being a bard by your own choice. Why are you then punishing yourself with exile from the amazons even now?" He looked genuinely puzzled.
"Because I broke a promise I made to myself, to Eli and to Xena. I would not become a monster, I would not perpetuate the cycle of hatred in the world. I had sworn to myself that I would never give in to that," she said and remembered the tears in her eyes. Tears created by memories of clawing her way out of the pile of bodies and parts that she herself had made. She remembered coming out covered in blood like she had looked in her struggle to recover her memories both good and bad. She had let out her sorrow and anger in one great swell, but it hadn't receded. If she hadn't been greeted by the amazons on her return and carefully nursed back to sanity she would have still been prowling for those cannibals and anyone else she could avenge the feeling of loneliness and anger at her destiny in life on.
"Gabrielle, you are fighting a battle only a Bodhisattva could win. And while you have a purity of purpose in you, neither one of us is perfect. Only one close to perfection can achieve perfection. We, you and me, are human and while we must strive in each life for perfection in our path through that incarnation, we should not try to achieve it by walking a path we're not meant to be on. I guess your problem is that you were wrongly taught by your best friends… You told me that you set out in the beginning to live adventure, be a fighter and help the innocents of the world. But your friend taught you to fight with words instead. She supported your notion of your own innocence and tried to maintain it with you. Your friend Eli taught you out of pride at the greatness of his own teachings, but he realized fully later on that his way was not yours and he was right to think himself wrong." He had paused as if he was looking for the words or maybe just to soften the blow.
"Both your friends Xena and Eli were wrong and taught you these things because of their own needs instead of yours. Xena needed a presence of innocence in her life and you became it. And finally as you told yourself all the idealistic visions, you both had about you were pealed away revealing a much more sympathetic and human being underneath. Eli realized his mistake and so in a way I think did your friend. In the end you became, what you said, you wanted to be. Never underestimate the source of childhood dreams and wishes dear Gabrielle the truth in the soul of a child is often closer to any truth we will know in later life. But we are more than the sum of our wishes Gabrielle. You still carry their lessons and hopes in you and that together with your own failing to understand your path in life is, what is causing you to be troubled," he had told and then winced as if he had expected her to explode in anger.
Instead she had asked him to leave. For days she had contemplated this and the other things she had been taught in the temple. They didn't claim to know the complete truth of all things only that they sought to better themselves throughout life preparing for their next life, where they hoped not to be called on to be a warrior again. Gabrielle had found truth in Master Fong's words and she had spent a great deal of time after that examining the reasons for her guilt and doubts in life. She remembered the purity of intent that had filled her back, when she had met Xena and she realized that although she was sure neither of her friends had intended it to damage her, what the master had told her about them, was true. And she had wanted them to teach her.
Gabrielle opened her eyes for a moment and looked around then rose and walked to the window sill and leaned on it. She wondered a little about how her life story would have been, if Xena hadn't protected her innocence for so long. If she had become a warrior earlier, maybe Hope would never have been born of her, maybe Solan wouldn't have died and maybe the entire world would no longer have been here. In the end she decided to draw on Eli and his God's single greatest teaching to her. She forgave Xena, Eli and herself for what had been and decided that in the end the results were just fine anyway. She didn't know if it helped but at least she understood herself better now. That only left a loneliness easily remedied by opening up her heart to other people again.
She hadn't realized until now. She had begun shutting it after their time in the cooler and the death of Joxer, her parents and finally when Xena had fallen as well, she had felt her heart close and almost grow cold. People like Plini and Deirdre had still wormed their way in, but all in all she had been isolating herself and not even been realizing it. She vowed to change that and began by opening her heart and soul to all the gentle and good people in the temple and valley. Still there was that one gnawing realization that she had been wrong about something major in her life. She remembered about their conversation, when Fong had pointed it out to.
"Tell me that again. So you're telling me that you answered that question with by saying that you knew that your path in life was to walk beside your friend. That was supposed to be your way: The Way of Friendship." She clearly recalled how he had laughed at her mockingly.
"So here you tell me earlier that you said, it was good to be out of the shadow of your friend and that you felt like you were no longer a sidekick. I am sorry to tell you this Gabrielle, but I wouldn't be your friend if I didn't. Xena was your friend yes, but you were and maybe still are standing so firmly in her shadow. Gabrielle, you were still her sidekick and the very way you have lived your life proves it to me. Now don't look like that, I am sure Xena was a great friend and really good to you and you needed her protection, but honestly you were at that point still her sidekick and you weren't following your own path in life, you were walking in the shadowed roadside bushes of her path," he had said and smiled at her benevolently.
"Listen to me," she still remembered the anger that had welled up from inside at his words struck home. "Xena is dead I do not live in her shadow, although I live with my myriads of memories of her. I have always been on my own path and I will have you know the one time I stopped fighting and almost left the path of friendship I became unable to free myself from oppression and we both got killed. Don't tell me I don't know my path in life, it is with Xena…" And there all her anger had left her as her mind and soul had caught up with the anger in her heart. She remembered thinking that if Xena had left her and she hadn't been able to find and be a friend to someone else like Xena, maybe she had been wrong all along. Maybe the Way she should be following had been wrong, but how wrong it had been and if it had been wrong what way was she to follow instead. She remembered asking in a meek voice: "If my way was false, why didn't all my time with Xena feel wrong? What is my true path then?"
And he had just said: "Maybe your path wasn't wrong. You are soul mates and meant to be together path or way be damned. Maybe you just don't know what the path you've been following really is? I don't know the answer to this riddle, but your soul does and one day it will reveal it to you just like it did to your friend. Just don't expect it to be a simple answer. Simple answers are rarely the entire truth. Now how about we go to see if we can scare up some dinner for that monster you call a belly."
And so they had ended their discussion a few days ago. Now she found herself alone in the room they had graciously let her use for her stay, wondering and thinking like she did a lot, when she wasn't going through the most bone hard and intense training in martial arts that she had ever experienced.
Funnily enough it was only something like the fourth time that she actually got any formal training in actual combat. She had been taught staff fighting by Solari and Ephiny. She had forced Xena to give her a few pointers of sword fighting, when she had been filled with the lust for vengeance over Perdicus. And finally she been taught a lot more about swords especially katana by Xena and Kenji during their long trip to Japan. She had learned everything else just by watching, mimicry and practice under pressure. Now it felt like the masters here were finding and removing a lot of rough edges on her fighting style. It was strange but she actually found that she liked doing both combat training and deep contemplation. And while they urged her to do both they were entirely willing to let her choose both the speed and depth of her learning. This was a place on Gaia that just felt entirely unforced and peaceful yet energetic almost like during the good days of the resettlement of the amazons or the earlier days of her wanderings with Xena before Hope and the rift in their friendship.
Her thoughts focused on her relationship with Xena before and after Hope. Sure there had been great times after that, however back then it had all still been untarnished by darker emotions. Then again it had also been an idealistic illusion of a much more varied world. She now felt that to see the full view of the world your life experience should include both darkness and light, because one could not exist without the other. She felt like she could stay here for years, but she knew that it wouldn't be like that. She was already getting a little stir-crazy and soon it would become full-blown wanderlust again. It seemed that one instinct that had originally gotten her out the door of the farm in Poteidaia still held true. She just didn't feel like settling down.
And suddenly as if destiny had heard her thoughts noise erupted all throughout the temple. Gabrielle nearly laughed as she rose, but opened for a private wry grin. She heard the patter of bare feet, probably students by the sound of it, passing her room. Calm on the surface she walked over to the large wooden closet on the left and pulled out her sai.
Gabrielle ran down the stone corridor past the burning pots and statues towards the main courtyard, where she had passed her challenges. She knew the temple like the back of her hand now and cut as many shortcuts as she was able to. Gabrielle jumped down the middle of the three story stairwell and ran in high speed out into the bustling courtyard, where confused students, monks and even a few of the masters were milling around in between a growing collection of bedraggled strangers and battle worn soldiers carried wounded, supplies or other possessions. Her eyes sought and found Master Fong standing off to the side talking to a soldier, whose additional colors and helmet seemed to indicate either a higher rank or that he was better at keeping his helmet on while fleeing. Gabrielle walked over to stand off to the side and listen in.
"So are his armies heading this way?" Master Fong didn't seem to be afraid of the answer from the tone of his voice as if he relished the thought.
"No great master. He has split his armies and sent them in every direction. And his armies are vast great master. The Emperor's grand army will be hard pressed against these barbarians. They ride through the lands of Chin like a plague. They burn, plunder, rape and pillage everywhere they go and when they have left again, his people move in and take over control, ruling like they were noble lords appointed by the Emperor himself. I have seen them with my own eyes. He won't stop until he rules all of Chin. Oh, Celestial masters have mercy on us!" The soldier explained quickly with both anger and fear apparent in both his face and voice.
"Calm yourself young man. Now how did this northerner get past the Great Wall?" Fong calmly asked.
"I don't know. It is said that he has a witch with him, who showed him a way to cheat or kill the guards along before they could start the warning fires. Suddenly one day guards found out that he had control over a large and expanding section of the wall. He is ferrying his people across in droves all the times. They are a huge ravenous horde. Devils cast out from the thousand hells. They are demons… They… I can't…" The soldier broke down into inane babbling.
After several tries to get more information out of the soldier, who was probably scared silly Master Fong gave up and walked up to Gabrielle. "How much did you hear?" He asked and motioned for her to follow him as he strode slowly towards the gatehouse.
"Some, but I can figure out the rest. A war has started and these are refugees from the war torn region, who have come seeking protection from you," she offered looked around with watery eyes as she watched wounded and desolate people entering the gate one by one. Each stopped and bowed or cried before the helpful monks thanking them or just crying out their pain. But what really horrified Gabrielle was the fact that the wounded weren't just soldiers. No, the wounded were farmers, their wives and their children. And if this were just the ones alive or who had made it here, how much worse wouldn't it be out there before the marauding army of the invaders. Emotions buried for mere months rushed forth again and she felt her mind getting ready take on these bastards the Xena way. She was ready, but then she felt her lingering doubts reenter him mind and as she stood there before the slow trickle of people coming through the gate, she became unable to make a decision.
"The barbarians who did this are from the northern tribes. They are the enemies that we created to the Great Wall to guard against and in more than one way to stop us from clashing. The enmity between our people is ancient, but its cause is mere envy and greed these days. However this warlord, the leader of that huge army out there, is already proving himself to be more monster than any warlord, we have ever seen ride in from the North," Fong looked out through the gate towards the far away hills. "His army is very large, numbering well beyond the hundred thousand that the Emperor currently has ready to march. He seems bent on genocide and conquest at any cost. He must be stopped. But we only have one general, who is up to the task and I fear that having only one general is not good enough." He seemed to be wrestling with indecision for a moment.
"What will you do?" Gabrielle found herself asking.
"Nothing," he answered and looked at her.
"Nothing, but what then… Oh, no I can't…" She gasped as she understood what or more exactly who he was thinking of.
"We need a hero Gabrielle not a General. And like it or not you are a hero probably the best one, we could have ever hoped for. But if you think you aren't ready, then we must hope for someone else and that is all there is to it," Fong nodded sagely to himself and kept his gaze locked on the faraway hills.
Gabrielle walked away suddenly cold in the wind even if it couldn't penetrate her warm silk clothing.
Almost a week had passed since the first refugees had arrived, but it seemed so much longer to Gabrielle. She had organized the students and monks that were made available to her by the masters into a veritable army of nurses and as they often did healers had begun appearing to help her in her work as the chief surgeon. But it wasn't the entire reason for the weariness she felt. She had begun having intense nightmares about all the dark times of her life. The crucifixion, the death of Perdicus, Joxer and Xena, the eyes of Hope staring into hers as she died in the arms of her son, Deirdre's face getting torn off before her eyes, all these images plagued her dreams every time she got too tired to remain awake. She always woke up bathed in her sweat screaming. And through all this Fong never spoke a word about her rejecting his plea at the gatehouse, he only comforted her, when one of her patients died and she needed to cry out the pain of the death another innocent. The wounded just kept on coming, a few arriving every day as the horror stories grew louder and their worst fears of atrocities confirmed by the wounds they saw every day.
Gabrielle bent down at the side of the bed of a little girl, who had been stood in a fire by the warlord's soldiers, when her father had refused to give up their family savings. He had done it immediately thereafter, but they had just beheaded him as a 'lesson' to his family and left them with the burnt girl in dire need of help. Her mother sat with tear filled eyes besides her daughter, who was struggling with an infection in her wounds caught on the long journey from the battlefield.
Gabrielle lifted the bandages after washing her hands and looked on the swollen feet. The wounds weren't looking well and she would soon have to cut of the little girls legs if the inflammation didn't die down. She had treated her with every herb for this that she knew of, but it had done little good. She replaced the bandages and her eyes met the hopeful eyes of the mother. Gabrielle felt too tired to try to keep the truth from slipping into her expression and she only realized it, when the woman's eyes became teary and she buried her head in a fierce hug of her daughter. Gabrielle nearly felt her heart break for this woman and for a long moment she wished that she had a child of her own and that it lived somewhere safe and well, but the only thing that had emerged from her womb had been evil to its core and put there by deception and rape. "She will not die. There is still a chance that the swelling will go down, but if we wait much longer to take of her legs, there is a chance that she will die. I can wait no more than a day before you'll have to decide," Gabrielle felt her throat growing hoarse and she felt a large knot forming in her stomach. For a while she just sat there caressing the crying woman on her back.
Hours passed. "Gabrielle! Help me!" The mother screamed out over the hospital. Gabrielle, who had been carefully sowing up a knife wound for a squirming farmer, jumped to her feet and ran as fast as she could through the candlelit hospital jumping over sleeping patients and objects in the way.
The little girl was having some kind of seizure. Gabrielle grabbed her and quickly listened to her heart. It was fluttering, when just as she reached down to grip the arm of the girl, it stopped. Gabrielle tried to revive her using all the techniques that Xena had shown her over the years but nothing worked. Gabrielle hammered her hand down hard on her little chest again and again but nothing. Finally she stopped and looked up at the completely silent mother, who sat there just staring at Gabrielle. "She is dead," Gabrielle managed to mumble. The mother got to her feet slightly swaying as if she was sleepwalking and headed towards the exit. Gabrielle watched her go for a few moments then as if on instinct she rose as well and followed her.
The mother was walking towards the gatehouse through the tent filled courtyard. Gabrielle wrinkled her brow for a moment in bewilderment then ran down to talk to the woman, who she was sure should be walking around right now.
"Where are you going?" Gabrielle asked with incredulity in her voice.
The woman stopped and stared at Gabrielle like she was a ghost or some apparition. "I am going to murder the soldiers that killed my family. Then I'm going to work my way up through their commanders, until I get to the greatest monster of them all," she explained as if she was going out to buy vegetables at the market or something like that.
"No you can't. You shouldn't. Listen to me. You're not capable of that. You're not skilled enough. It will only get you killed and what service are you doing your husband and daughter by dying for a lost cause. Is that how you want to honor their spirits?" Gabrielle hoped that she had understood enough of their spiritual beliefs around here to at least affect this woman, before she went out and got herself killed.
The woman took a shuddering breath then asked: "But if not me then who? Nobody seems able to stop them. If Chin is not conquered then this war will last for years. Who will help us? Nobody thinks of the small farmers, the common people and the innocents during a war. How many more like my daughter have died or will die at the hands of the Green Dragon before this is over?"
Gabrielle took at shocked step backwards. "Green Dragon, is that the name of the warlord?"
"Yes, he has named himself like the ancient Emperor of old claiming that it is his right by might to become the next Dragon to rule Chin. He is just a false Dragon, but he does fight and plan with the skill of one. Maybe he is one full of anger and poison coming to punish us for the sins of our ancestors and with no dragons on our side, how can we win?" The woman spoke faster and faster, but some segment of Gabrielle's mind reminded herself that at least it meant, she wasn't heading out to get herself killed. Only she still seemed unconvinced, but then Gabrielle had an inspiration. And from this inspiration came realization. She wanted to help these people in their suffering. Not just by being a healer, because as she had claimed so many times herself she wasn't just that or a bard or an amazon queen. She was a warrior and she fought for the innocent. That was the source of her nightmares, she was going against her nature and her soul had punished her for it. It was time for her to do something more than talk and think about the past. It was time for the full awakening of Xena's legacy beyond anything seen by the Romans or the Amazons. It was the time for another Warrior Princess. Gabrielle the Battling Bard would ride into battle for the weak, the innocent and fight the armies that were descending on these lands. It was time to act.
"There are Dragons on your side as well. One of them has only been sleeping, gaining strength, but its sleep is over and a little Dragon now will join you in your struggle," Gabrielle claimed.
"Really," the woman sounded hopeful and her stance changed slightly.
"Yes," Gabrielle enthused and drew open her silk shirt while turning. She hadn't seen the students, refugees or even Master Fong that had been attracted by the heated exchange. And they all beheld the unnaturally clear and defined image of the dragon living in the skin of her back. Later all would swear they had heard a low growl and seen the dragon move before Gabrielle had covered it again.
"I am sorry I doubted you," the woman fell to her knees crying out her pain and relief.
"No don't do that. I have only been touched by the dragon I am no god or any thing like that. I am here to help however. And I think the first thing we must do is arrange for the proper burial of your daughter," Gabrielle explained and helped the woman back on her feet almost not noticing the whispers and murmurs spreading around the edges of the people filled courtyard. She took the grieving woman back to the hospital ignoring the stares of all the people following the pair as they went.
As they walked inside they passed Master Fong, who just commented: "Finally the little dragon has woken up." Gabrielle stared after him but said nothing. She knew why she had done it and what it meant for her. Now it was time to accept her nature and move on. She only hoped she was strong enough not to hate and deal out vengeance and then maybe along the way her Way would reveal itself. But she forced herself to stop focusing on her errors or even her past with Xena. Now it was her time. She focused on who she was and for the first time truly believed in herself and her abilities. All doubts she had felt were categorized, remembered and then shattered on the altar of her sudden and newfound self-assurance. She felt free all of a sudden.
A clear day of sunshine greeted her as she awoke from her full night of sleep. Gabrielle had left the leadership of the hospital to one of the healers already last night and taken her leave with her friends in the temple. She only had to pack her possessions, get Ghost of the pasture, saddled and then she would go off to find a way to end this war as fast as possible.
Gabrielle slipped her last set of samurai clothing into her pack and looked at herself once again. She was once more dressed in the clothing of the samurai of Japan, but instead of just her sai she also wore the katana in its customary place for the first time since she had used it in a duel months ago. She sighed once and grabbed the bags containing her possessions and left the room, where she had spent months of peace and quiet. For a moment she turned and looked on the room with undisguised nostalgia before walking down the corridor.
Gabrielle walked out into the bustling courtyard filled with refugees, tents, cooking fires and helpful students milling about lending a helping hand where they could. Gabrielle stopped a moment to take it all in then headed towards the gatehouse.
To her surprise a saddled and brushed Ghost stood loaded with supplies awaiting her arrival. "What is up with you and all the food?" Gabrielle asked her faithful horse and cocked a pencil thin eyebrow. Ghost just whinnied and indicated something off to the right with her head.
"It is not that we want you to leave my dear, but we thought it best to speed you on your journey. It is after a trip of great importance to all of us," Master Li stood of to the right and smiled at her saintly. Gabrielle bit back the question of Master Fong's whereabouts not wanting to make the nice man think she rather wanted her best friend in the temple to be there for her departure even if it was the truth. She walked over and hugged the blushing monks one by one then with a great but still sad smile she waved goodbye to the hastily assembled group of supposedly working students standing in the gatehouse door and vaulted into the saddle of Ghost and rode away on her white horse.
"Do you think she will be back?" One of the still blushing monks asked Master Li.
"No, I fear she won't. The destiny of that one doesn't lie here. She is a doer of great things, a hero. She isn't destined to live a quiet life and I fear none of her lives will be," he said and sighed.
"What do you mean?" The monk asked at the cryptic answer.
"There are dragons in this world my friends and there are tigers as well. Our dear friend out there is to me a great and powerful tiger, but one that was reared by the greatest of dragons. Her rage is a terror to behold. But as great as her anger can be her caring love is all conquering capable of shining through to even the darkest of places. I feel that this is neither her first or last incarnation full of dealing with great things," Master Li smiled mysteriously at his fellow monk and walked back to his room. He would of course miss his friend Master Fong, but then again it took slightly more than an army or two to kill that old rogue.
Gabrielle continued down the dirt path through the small village at the foot of the mountain and onto the slightly wider road, when she came upon a man dressed in a white and black robe wearing a large and wide hat. The walk and body type was very familiar to her. With a smirk and a slightly worried expression Gabrielle rode up on the side of the heartily walking traveler. "Where do you think you're going?" She asked Master Fong.
"I am going to the capitol Chang'an to present myself as a volunteer to the Emperor's armies. Don't you think I'll make a good figure as a recruit?" He asked and smiled teasingly at the young woman.
"Fong unlike Xena I don't do sidekicks well. Maybe it comes from having been one… I don't know," Gabrielle commented. "The temple needs your leadership more than I need your fighting prowess or must I prove as I did in the training room last week that I've learned all the techniques that you teach," she offered.
"First of all I am not going as a sidekick, but as your friend, guide to Chin and spiritual counsel for any dark times." Suddenly he jumped high into the air leading on a branch and then jumped back to the ground some yards in front of Ghost. The trained warhorse remained unimpressed. "Second of all don't confuse what I teach my student with what are the limits of what I can do. I always keep some secrets to myself in case of an ambitious student not wanting to listen to me and needing physical education," he explained and looked at her resolutely. "Finally Gabrielle I am not only going for you. The Emperor seems to have failed to notice that this is not only about fighting one battle on one battlefield but a matter that needs a masterful touch to resolve and for the nation to recover from. I used to be amongst his father's counselors and his teacher. I think he needs me again."
"Alright then on to the capitol it is," Gabrielle said, "if you can keep up." She tapped Ghost twice and set off at a high speed.
She rode almost out of sight and came to a crossroads. She rode to the right. "Gabrielle," Fong's voice called out from behind, "Chang'an is to the left." Gabrielle smiled, shook her head in mock disappointment of herself and turned Ghost around. This was getting of to a good start.