Here it is, finally, and extra long for the waiting! Well, no, not really, but it's here, at least. And for the first time, the Arnie Fan Club thought of the day, after a wonderful evening seeing Macbeth (in the cunning disguise of the 'Boromir fanclub, west london branch'): "There is a God; and it's Sean Bean". I thank you.
Starship gerbils have blasted their way into the control room and Han and Ciaby have retreated up the corridor.
PY - you seem to have just lost our only exit! Some rescue this is!
HL - Well I'd like to see you get us out of here, your highnessness!
PY - Fine!
She blasts at the wall behind Han and jumps down into the hole
Come on!
HL - wonderful Yak! I don't know whether to spit at her or lick her nose!
They all jump down into a big laundry room.
JP - oh, a soft landing!
HL - yeah, well there's no way out! Great idea, princess!
PY - there must be a way out. Where does it all go?
suddenly...
C - HUUUUUUURRplblplblplb
HL - Ciaby!
Ciaby is pulled by his ankles into a huge pile of laundry.
PY- quick, blast it!
JP - no, the laundry will catch fire!
Han blasts it anyway. The laundry catches fire.
JP - aaagh put it out put it out!
HL - if you hadn't noticed, I'm trying to save the warthog!
JP - never mind Ciaby, my breathing apparatus can't cope with smoke!
HL - well you save the warthog, me and the princess can put out the fire.
JP - oh wait, Flea, Flea, can you hear me? Switch on the sprinklers in the laundry room!
Flea - bleepbloop?
JP - Come on! The laundry room in the prison sector!
Flea - BLEEEEP! Blop bleep bloop
Water starts sprinkling over the laundry, and Ciaby bursts out of the biggest pile strangling a huge serpant with a bra.
HL - go, Ciaby, go!
PY - stop your kinky games, we need a way out!
C - HUUUUUUUR
The serpent drops dead into a pile of laundry with a gurgle
HL - yeah, way to go! Lucky some of those gerbils wear elasticated underwear - oh no, that's a bad image -
PY - Llamas. You can't take 'em anywhere. Ciaby, don't you ever think of anything else?!
HL - he doesn't...
In the background they hear a door slam, and metal grinding against metal
PY - what was that?
C - HUUUUUURRRR
The walls start closing in on them
HL - uh oh
JP - Flea! Flea! Shut down the walls in the laundry room!
Soapy water starts to flood in
HL - we're going to be part of a wash cycle!!
JP - AAAAGH FLEA!
PY - I can't swim
Han sniggers
JP - shut up and do something!
HL - like what, kid?
JP - climb up or something! Flea!
F - Bloop bleep
HL - can't that flea work any faster?
PY - Help.... urgh urgh... I'm drowning........
Flea - BLEEEEEp
The water stops, and starts to drain away.
JP - AAHH I'm being sucked in!
PY - AGGHHHHBLUBLUBLUBblublbublbub
They are all sucked down a long pipe and land in a big wet pile of trash.
C - HURHURRRRR!
H.L. - come on, let's get out of here!
The door to the waste unit opens, and James, Princess Yak and H & C climb out spluttering and leave the room. As the four of them head back to the ship, they run into a group of starship gerbils.
HL - We'll head them off! GO, take the princess to the ship!
JP - But...
HL - GO!
Han charges at the gerbils, they retreat and chases them with Ciaby close behind. The gerbils run into a room and shut the door. Han and C hi-five, then turn round to see another big group of gerbils running towards them. They are trapped. Han suddenly looks above the gerbils and shouts "Look - Elephant!". The gerbils all look up, and H & C crawl through their legs and run through a door and shut it behind them. They are standing on a ledge in front of a huge ravine with a ledge on the other side. They realise there is no way across and the gerbils are close to getting the door open. Ciaby pulls a rope from his utility belt and hooks it onto a post. Han kisses him on the cheek.
HL - for luck!
They swing across and run through the corridor as the starship gerbils blast through the door. They escape back to the Green Falcon.
HL - I hope that dingo took out the traction beam!
Meanwhile...
O-Bendy-Dingo has shut down the traction beam and is on his way to the Green Falcon. He turns the corner to see Darth Carp standing with his jelly-sabre ready to fight.
DC - O-Bendy-Dingo. I sensed your presence here - you have failed. You cannot defeat me.
OB - Stand and fight, Carp.
Darth Carp arms his Jellysabre, and attacks O-Bendy-Dingo. OB fights him off. Some starship Gerbils are distracted by the fight and go to watch, while Ciabatta, James, Princess Yak and Flea escape towards the ship. OB sees this and disarms himself.
OB - Carp, if you strike me down now, I will become more powerful than you can imagine.
DC raises his lightsabre, then JP notices and shouts from the Green Falcon.
JP - O-Bendy-Dingo! Don't do it!
OB spins towards him and one of the Starship Gerbils blows off his head.
JP - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
DC - You IDIOT!
Darth Carp strides over to the Gerbil and with one swipe of his jellysabre the gerbil's head is on the floor. When he returns, O-Bendy-Dingo's body has vanished, all that remains is his jelly robes.
HL - come on, James. Ciaby, let's go! I just hope he managed to disable the beam...
Ciaby fires up the engine and they fly out of the Death Car, as the Starship Gerbils shoot at them. Once out, they zip into hyperspace.
C. - HUUUUUURRRR?
HL - yeah, where ARE we going?
PY - Now Toilet Seat is gone, we must go to Falderaa, where the last base of the Rebel Alliance is. It's our only hope.
HL - you know, I'm going above and beyond my call of duty as a pilot here. I'll want paying extra - James promised!
PY - oh don't worry, you'll have your money!
She turns to James, who is still shellshocked.
You know, he didn't die in vain. He sacrificed himself to help us get the plans to POO.
JP - I know that, but I still can't help thinking it was my fault.
PY - Rubbish! Now I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
She goes out.
HL - man, I dig that cute hairy little Princess' butt. Do you think that a Llama like me and a Yak like her..
JP - NO.
Ciaby - HUURRRRRR! HUrrURRRR!!
JP - Ciaby, that's just DISGUSTING. Doesn't he ever think of anything else?
HL grins...
Join us again, for the weakest... uh, I mean strongest... chapter *winks* (ok, that was lame, but did you SEE her on Have I got News for You? Anne Robinson KICKS IAN HISLOPS GNOMEY BEHIND!!)