I didn't go to him. I just stood there, shivering and shaking in the cold. I couldn't. He watched me, watching him. He knew, he always did.

"I'm just trying to make it right. Why is this so difficult?" He said finally dropping his soaked arms to his sides in defeat.

"Because, I'm not the same Mo anymore. I'm different. So are you. Nothing is the same anymore."

"You are the same. You're just lost…we all are."

He looked past me now. Out at something that I couldn't see. I wondered what he was thinking but of course I didn't ask. It didn't matter anymore.

"You love her don't you." I said after a moment of silence that sat heavily between us. He averted his eyes to mine now.

"What are you talking about?"

"Shelby. You love her." I said matter-of-factly. He looked away again.

"Yeah…I guess I do."

"Then why don't you tell her?" I asked. He glanced at me suspiciously.

"Because…well…I…I don't know."

I moved closer to try and bridge the growing gap between us physically and emotionally.

"You can't say it because you don't understand. It's like your falling but you're standing still. You're in constant light but still cowering in the dark corners of who you are. See, Scott, that's the way I feel. So don't ask me to explain something that even I don't understand. " I walked away, hugging my arms across my chest to keep in the escaping warmth.

I could feel him standing there, looking after me. He understood now, I wasn't Monique anymore, I was a stranger. He would still try and help, I knew that, he felt guilty but it wasn't his fault, it was mine because I loved him. In loving him I gave my greatest sacrifice, my heart, from the beginning I knew I would never get it back but that it would be his forever. He would love another and she would be his and he would be hers but he always possessed my heart. I gave it to him freely, I never asked questions, because I loved him.

~Scott~

I dug my hands into my pockets and walked back towards the boys dorms. This night had been hell and I just wanted to curl up and sleep. I moved with my head down wearily. I bumped right into someone and quickly mumbled a sorry.

"Scott?" I looked up. It was Shelby. She had been crying but then again, so had I.

"Hey." I said as casually as possible. My heart was racing from the previous conversation with Mo. How come three little words were so hard to say?

"What are you doing out here? It's pouring."

"I was…uh…taking a walk. I needed some air."

"Oh."

"Scott-"

"Shel-"We both said at the same time and then chuckled.

"I'll go first," She said. I nodded. "I was coming back into the girls dorm when I saw…I found…it was open, I had no idea it was hers, the journal. I read some of it, it was as if someone had dileberately left it open for me to see. I didn't understand at first. Why you so desperatley needed her to understand…but I do now. She loved you so much. She wrote about the nights when you were so high that you couldn't get home and she would come and get you, take you to her house and let you sleep in her room. When she had to check every hour to make sure you were still breathing. The days she would make excuses for you in school and risk her own grades, etc. so that you were taken care of. She wasn't kicked off of the cheerleading squad she left, so she could be there when you needed her. One night, she said, she came over and found you slumped on your doorstep, she got so scared that she started to cry hysterically. She dragged you to the couch and watched until you stopped throwing up enough to get to sleep. The night-…" She stopped and rubbed the tears out of her eyes, I did the same. I wanted her to continue, to see.

"You came home and were in a drunken, high rage. She had picked you up after your "group" called. Then she had had enough. She ran into your room and ripped it apart until she found your stash of drugs, she dropped them down the toliet, screaming and crying all the while. Then you came in and found your room in a disaster and her slumped against the toliet. You realized what had happened but you were still drunk and high, you were so angry. You ran in…and…you yelled that you hated her, that you wish she would mind her own business but none of that mattered until…until you yelled that you never loved her, never did and never would. That hurt her, and she never came back. She was the one that got you sent here, she knew she couldn't save you anymore, she left a note for your father. Scott, I've never known someone who would risk so much for someone else that didn't care one way or another. Everything I do seems so incredibly selfish now…" She began to cry and held her in my arms, kissing the top of her hair.

"I know, Shel…I know. I read it too…After I left she was so alone. She went from boyfriend to boyfriend, and finally she lost control. She couldn't eat, wouldn't eat, she had no one. No one."

We stood there, her in my arms and me drawing strength from her. I realized what I had to do, I had to do exactly what Monique did for me. Save her.