A/N: I've decided that before I can continue on with her story you need to know more about the relationship that Scott and Mo had. This is probably my longest chapter, it's mostly her journal. I hope you like this. R/R
----Scott----
I walked into my dorm after having kitchen duty. I was heading toward the bathroom when I spotted something lying on my bed. I picked it up and a note fluttered from the top. I already knew who it was from.
Scott,
This is the journal that I started keeping when we entered high school. It's reminiscent and prophetic. I never thought I'd ever let anyone read it but I'm giving it to you now. It's the only way I have to explain. So read it with your heart not your mind because you would never understand, sometimes I don't. Read and know.
Love, Mo
I was a little perplexed but regardless I opened the book in a sort of reverence. Here was Mo, the girl I had known all my life, baring her soul to me, completely naked, nothing covering. This wasn't just what she had written, this was her. Grasping the significance of this I began to read from the beginning.
The Journal-
August 31 The first day of high school is tomorrow. I'm really nervous, but not so nervous, Scott will be there. Yesterday he told me not to worry. It would be like it had always been. He'd come and pick me up, we'd walk together and of course we'd have all the same classes. Sometimes I wonder how he's so confident other times I wonder how I put up with him. Oh well, I can deal with that, I hope things never change. September 15I haven't written in so long. High school is great and Scott was right, nothing much has changed. Except for one thing. It seems that over the summer all of the girls who never noticed him in middle school are acting like he's the hottest thing since…well…everything. He looks the same to me. Maybe its because he's taller and he has filled out. I don't know, he's still the same Scott to me. I wonder if they would like him if they knew he still slept with Mr. Fluffums. He'd kill me if I ever told. Graham Martin was staring at me in third period and I think he's cute. I hope he asks me to the Fall Formal. I have to go, my mom's calling me. Sometimes I think she only needs me to show off to her friends. That wouldn't be a problem if her friends looked like Graham Martin.
September 30,
I can't believe it! I made the cheerleading squad! I was so nervous but I did it. It feels good to finally stick it to the stuck up snobs that said I would never make it. I am good enough to join them and I'm going to kick butt. Scott made the football team but I'm not surprised. He's really good. It's been a great day because Graham Martin asked me out. I like him so much! I can't wait for our date on Friday.
October 5,
Today was not a good day. Scott's mad at me. Every Friday we go to the movies and I sorta forgot to tell him that I was going out with Graham. Well, he went to the movie theater to wait for me and the I walked in with Graham. I've never seen him so furious. He didn't leave though. He would never give me that satisfaction. Instead he got his usual popcorn, soda and malted milk balls and sat behind me the whole time. I could tell Graham was uncomfortable because his neck and ears were really red. I could have killed Scott. Why does he always have to ruin everything!
----Scott----
The next few months were filled with us forgiving each other, cheerleading practice and Graham Martin. The next entry that was dated two months later caught my eye.
The Journal
December 13I almost didn't write. I feel so horrible. Graham dumped me and not only that he dumped me for Patricia Carmicheal. Of course she's the most popular and beautiful girl in school why wouldn't he. I had to endure cheerleading practice with her sneering behind my back but then I went home and cried. Scott came by and tried to comfort me but it didn't help so he left. Maybe this wont be such a Merry Christmas after all.
December 14
I CANT BELIEVE HE DID THAT!!!!I take back anything mean I have ever said about Scott Barringer. He's my hero. I had to endure a whole day of Patricia and Graham. They were so entangled with each other it was disgusting. The worst thing was they did it purposely. At the end of the day I was feeling like locking myself in my room and eating double chocolate brownie ice cream. I walked by the boys locker room and a huge crowd had gathered in front. Everyone was laughing and pointing. I pushed through to get a closer look and I almost passed out at what I saw. A dripping wet and obviously mad Graham was hanging by his underwear on a hook on the door. His pants had dropped to at least his thigh and he was cussing like a mad man. I couldn't help but laughing with everyone else. He looked ready to kill and he was thrashing around trying to get down. Patricia was close at hand trying to help him. It was hilarious. I turned and then I saw Scott leaning against a wall a few feet away. He had the widest grin on his face and I immediately knew what had happened. All I could do was shake my head in mock disapproval. He winked and sauntered out like he was the man of the hour. I will never forget this for as long as I live.
------Scott------
A year passed uneventfully. With much of the same activities, friends and problems. It talked about being grounded for sneaking out. Her new boyfriends many of whom I remembered I hated. I couldn't think of a time when I liked any of her boyfriends. I continued to read to the beginning of our junior year.
The Journal
September 14,
I think something is wrong with Scott. Everything seemed fine until today. Last week we went to the Cheerleader/Football Banquet together since captain of both teams have to go. He was smiling and laughing. He had expressed doubts about his dad's new wife Elaine but I thought he had made a lot of progress since the divorce. Today he had the same look he had when his parents split up. Total indifference and pain that he didn't want to share. I'm scared for him. I don't know why but I don't think things are ever going to be the same. Oh god please don't let that be true. I need him and I know he needs me. I'll just give him time, eventually he'll tell me.
November 23
I haven't written in a long time because I haven't had much time to myself lately. I don't regret this. I was right. He did need me. I'm still very confused as to what brought about this change in him. When he looks at me he looks right through me. Yesterday I found out he had been skipping football practice and that he was being suspended from the team. When I tried to ask him about it he brushed me off. He's also on academic probation. Scott on academic probation! He's one of the smartest people I know! He used to lecture me about my math grades. I don't know what to make of this. I just hope it doesn't get worse. I cant keep covering for him when he isn't at school. I wonder where you go when you aren't with me, Scott.
January 15
I feel like my whole life is now consumed by Scott. I cant escape it but yet I don't want too because I know if I leave him alone he could…I cant even say it. He could die, or hurt himself really bad. I now know why he's always so lethargic and dreamy, he's high. I had come home from cheerleading practice and decided to stop off at his house. I just went in since I knew where the key was. I called for him but there was no answer. I walked up to his bedroom and as soon as I entered I saw him. He was spread eagle diagonally across his bed. His long legs hung over and they weren't the only things that were. A large half empty bottle of Vodka sat next to him. He was asleep and didn't even notice me come in. I had to step over clothes, and all kinds of other unidentifiable objects. I slapped him a couple times to wake him up just to make sure he was still alive. On my way out I threw away the bottle. I was so shocked and upset that I just left him there. I went to my car and I couldn't even drive. I just let my head fall to the steering wheel and cried. I know that slowly I'm loosing my Scotty. I don't remember why but I noticed that Mr. Fluffums was next to the bottle of Vodka. It was strange to see the last bit of innocence corrupted by something so damaging.
February 19
I quit the cheerleading squad today because I need to be home for Scott in case he gets into trouble. Last week he had come to my house high and was probably slumped on the doorstep for an hour or so. I can help him. I have to help him. He's using weed now. I saw him hanging out with the potheads after school. When I look into his eyes now they've lost their vibrant blue. They are dead, lifeless. The only trace of Scott left in them is that all too familiar shadow of pain. I had the most horrible nightmare last night. I was standing in a room and Scott was standing right in front of me. I kept screaming at him and pulling him but the more I tried the more he faded until finally I was grabbing at air but I couldn't stop reaching. That's what it seems like now. I'm grabbing at air, like he's already gone but I can't stop fighting for him. If you wont fight Scott, then at least let me fight for you. At least he remembered my birthday. He gave me a beautiful delicate silver angel on an exquisite chain. He told me that it was his grandmother's. Then he left to go get high. Happy Birthday to me.
-----Scott----
I had to stop for a moment and breathe. It was all too incredible. I didn't remember half of the stuff she had written but I chalked it up to being to high to know or care. I read the next entry that was dated about a month later. I was startled and shaken to the core of my being. Subliminally I remembered a little about that night. I know she had taken care of me but it seemed like all the other nights. I couldn't believe that I had hurt her like that. That I had taken from her something that I could never give back. I had scarred my best friend. I had to close it. My mind was telling me to stop, that it wasn't worth it. I didn't want to live through this pain but then I remembered that Mo lived with it everyday. It must have been torture for her to even look at me. All this time I had disillusioned myself into thinking that I was protecting her from my issues when in reality she had been exposed full force. Out of all the people that I had hurt in my life I knew I had hurt her the most and she had taken it. With my mind I couldn't fathom why she would put up with me but in my heart the answer was clear. Because she loved me.
The Journal
August 5It has been months since I've seen or heard from Scott. He doesn't write or call then again he's probably in reform school or military school, they aren't that lenient. I wouldn't blame him if he didn't. Some days I convince myself that I don't need him anymore, that he's no longer apart of my life, that I should just move on. But then I turn and see the only picture of him that I'll allow out, the one of us at the Cheerleader/Football dinner where he's wearing that mischievous grin, and I miss him all over again. I miss the way he always knew what to say to make me feel better, I wish I had that now. It's hard was hard to talk to your best friend about your problems when they were one of your major ones. Sometimes I'll here a certain song that reminds me off him or something we did together. Before he left I found Mr. Fluffums sitting on my doorstep. I took him inside and curled up in bed with him clutched against my chest. Then I slept and cried for three days straight. I feel so lonely without him. He was my best friend, my brother. I stopped hanging around my usual crowd, I couldn't stand being around them without him. I let so many guys take advantage of my loneliness. Kyle, Scott's closest friend from the team, was the worst. He kept telling me what a jerk Scott was for leaving me and he understood nothing at all. I wanted to scream at him and him but instead I slept with him. I never told anyone about his forcefulness. It wouldn't matter. Everyone knows Mo has become the ho of the school. It's like I'm doing the complete opposite of what I want. Like I have no control over myself. Or maybe it's just that I don't care anymore. My mom's getting worried. She's talking about therapy. It's probably because I took her prized Indian vase and smashed it against the wall. I stood there, watching it shatter into a million pieces and I laughed, hysterically. My mother is convinced I'm psychotic. Go ahead and put me in the looney bin, at least they can't hurt you there.
August 10
I went to my fifth therapy session today. Dr. Hillard isn't very good, all she asks me is about how I feel. Doesn't she understand. It isn't about how I feel its about how he's feeling. It's that desire to know. I cant be happy myself until I know I haven't hurt him. I don't see why they waste their time on me. I'm defiled. Kyle dumped me but I'm not surprised in the least. If I wear long sleeves I can hide the bruise he gave me. When I got home my mother 'surprised" me with a brand new dress for the debutante ball. I've told her a thousand times that I'm not going. She refuses to accept this. I didn't fight or scream. I took the dress upstairs, lit a match and set it on fire in the bathroom. I sat and watched it burn in the tub. I watched as each gauzy blue piece of material turned from superficical gorgeousness to scorched purgatory. She came bounding up the steps and began pounding on the door. I waited for most of it to be consumed by the fire before I doused the flame. When I opened the door her eyes were wild with tears. It was funny, I never noticed how old she really looks. The lines around her mouth and eyes were creased. She told me to go to my room. I knew she was waiting for my father to get home. They are at their end. Welcome to the club, mommy and daddy.
August 30,
I'm leaving tomorrow for Mt. Horizon. Apparently it's a school for messed up kids. I'll fit right in. I laughed at how hopeful my parents looked when they told me. 'It will be good for you', 'you'll like it, you'll see', we are doing this because we love you'. What an excellent cop out. They're doing this because they cant take anymore of me. That's okay though because I can't take anymore of them. They were so proud of me when I was straight A, captain of the cheerleading team, debutante, Monique but they can't understand how I changed. They can never understand, no one can. It's like something that eats you from the inside out. There's nothing you can do but watch and hope for it to get better. I'm afraid that they're love was measured by how much I did and not by the fact that I was their daughter. I realize now how incredibly meaningless all of it was, what made it special was that Scott was there with me and that I always knew I could run to him. I wish you were here now, Scott, I'm so tired of running.