Chapter 7
On July 11th 2002, thirty-one year old Sara Sidle stood over the grave of her beloved friend. No tears escaped her eyes. She was beyond that. For the last nineteen years she has visited the grave of Larraine Davis alone. She has brought flowers sometimes; on the better days. Today wasn't a better day. Recalling the incident was always part of the trip but this time it was harder. Sara began to recall the day in greater detail as the week drew closer to that fateful day. The small things were usually invaded by the end result, but this year she remember everything and sadly this left room for the what-ifs. Sara felt the knot forming in her stomach. She could feel the scar burning beneath the waistband of her low rise jeans. She reluctantly touched it with the tips of her fingers. It still hurt but she refused to cry. It only made things worse and she didn't need to get worse.
She heard footsteps behind her but did not acknowledge them until the owner said her name.
"Sara."
She turned to see Gil Grissom standing only ten feet away from her. "Grissom." It was all she could say because of pure shock. If anyone were to be here, he was the last one. The man that told her she was too close to her cases. The man that saw her as emotional. The man that she would do anything for, even try to forget the past. He stood there looking at her with those blue eyes as she stood above a grave.
He wanted to smile; she was surprised. He knew he was the last one to be here. He pushed her away and yet he found himself driving after her. He was afraid she left him and Vegas. She was short with everyone for the passed week and he was afraid he screwed up once again. He was afraid that she was gone for good. He called her both on her cell and at home, but when she didn't answer he did some research. "You request the same three days off every year." He said finally.
"Why are you here?" The question wasn't intended to be cold but it was obvious that any other time he wouldn't give her a second thought on days off. He was the one that encouraged her to take days off to begin with.
He wasn't affected by her abruptness. She was always to the point and very direct. He just pointed to her hands that hung at her sides. "Your nails. You started biting your nails again. I knew something was wrong."
Sara lifted her hands. The nails were shorter than she usually kept them and pink from the constant biting. She was amazed he even noticed such a small thing. "It's a bad habit. My mother used to scold me about it." She almost smiled at the memory. "She thinks I am too intense."
He looked at Sara's posture then at the grave. He didn't know who the grave belonged to, but he was sure whoever it was, it was important to Sara. His first impression was that the person was an old case that wouldn't leave her alone. He didn't want her to burnout. He warned her many times before about things like this. Visiting the graves of those lost; the ones that you can't ignore; the special ones. She meant too much to him. He told her to get a diversion out of love. He couldn't watch her get hurt. He looked at her face. She was tired, he could see it. Her eyes that were normally clear were clouded by something he didn't want to admit he saw. He approached her to stand on the right side of the grave. "You left Vegas in a hurry. You okay?"
She looked back to the grave. "Fine. Yeah. How did you find me?"
"Nick. He told me."
Sara heard the hurt in his voice. He was jealous that he was never told about this place, but she never told Nick either. Nick's nosey nature and brotherly love caused him to stumble across the hotel reservations to an inn outside San Francisco. "You know he found out by accident. I never told him."
He was amazed she was able to read his mind and muttered a "Thanks."
She shrugged and changed the subject. "It's a nice night."
"Very nice indeed." He glanced at the sky then back to Sara. "You look tired."
"I am." She admitted as her eyes fell back to the headstone. "It's the least of my worries right now though."
"Can I ask why you come here?" His question was a mere whisper. He didn't want to sound threatening or cause her to pull away.
"Forgiveness. I couldn't save her." She gauged his reaction. He was about to say something but she cut him off. She needed to tell someone. She needed to open up. Once she made the decision to tell him she let it all come out in a gush of words and feelings. "Her name was Larraine Davis. She was my best friend as a kid. We did everything together. She was killed by her father trying to save me." Grissom's face twisted in confusion. "She was pulling him off me when the knife just slipped right into her stomach. I went after him and he cut me across the hip on my left side. I watched her die then I saw him kill his wife; stabbed her six times in the chest. After that he got in his car and left, that's when her little brother ran to the police. I was rushed to the hospital but there was nothing they do for Rainey and her mother. When the police finally found Mr. Davis a month later, he was dead. He shot himself in the head." She felt the tears coming but she kept going. "I got a hold of the records concerning the case when I became a CSI. I found out Rainey was abused physically for years and her mother was abused physically and sexually. I never saw it. I should have but I never did. Mrs. Davis was like a second mother and I didn't see it. The fact that Rainey was my best friend and I still didn't see it makes even more of a difference."
Grissom stood in utter silence. She was twelve; so young, too young to live with such a burden. He didn't know the whole story but he knew enough to realize this was her hell. She blamed herself and yet she had no control. It all made sense. He looked at her closely and noticed her hands were shaking. "Sara, how long have you kept this to yourself?"
She pointed to the date on the headstone. "Since July 11th, 1983."
"You never told anyone?" He asked fully aware of the repercussions of keeping yourself closed off to those around you.
"Besides those who were there and my parents, you're the first." She forced a smile.
He came closer to her. "Sara you were twelve. There is no way you are responsible."
She ignored him. "I started to wonder if he would have raped me had she not pulled him off me. If he did, she might be still alive. If I would have noticed sooner...If I didn't climb into that window to get in the school...If I didn't leave her alone...If I ran a little faster....If I screamed a little louder so the neighbors could hear she might still be alive. I have come here for the passed nineteen years in search of peace. I still have yet to find it." She turned to him. His eyes full of compassion; for her. "I know it bothers you when I get involved with domestic abuse cases and the rape cases but it's personal Grissom. I knew them. I saw them everyday. I helped Mrs. Davis and Rainey with laundry before. Grissom I knew them and I let them down. When those cases come in, I am reminded yet again that maybe I can't bring closure for all of them. I can't even save those closest to me."
He didn't allow time for silence to take it's affects on the story. He needed to reassure her now before the past swallowed her. "You still aren't responsible Sara. I don't like to see you get involved because I don't want to see you burn out."
"It's the 'what-ifs' that drag me down Gris. It's hard to get passed the 'what-ifs'."
He sighed. He knows what that is like. "I know Sara, but there was nothing you could have done. I am sure."
"My brain keeps trying to tell my heart that, but I think it's just as stubborn."
He wanted to touch her; to let her know he was there for her but he stopped himself. She didn't want his sympathy even though it was love. "Let me take you home." He said cupping her elbow.
She looked at his hand then back to his eyes. "I can't."
"Please Sara." He begged.
"I promised her that I would never forget."
He was seeing it. That tired, lifeless, dreadful look of someone losing the battle. She was on the edge of burning out. He was losing her, even though she was standing right in front of him he was losing her. "Sara, you have to let this go. You'll burn out."
"I can't." She repeated.
"It will eat you away Sara. I don't want to stand by and watch it happen."
Her brow knitted in contemplation of his words. They were friendly and caring. He was showing how he felt. He was showing that he cared about her without some cryptic device to disguise his feelings. Yet in those eyes she saw exactly what she could never be. She would always express empathy for the victims. She quickly looked away to the thousands of graves of lost loved ones. "I have tried to keep my distance Grissom, and it hasn't worked. I have tried a diversion and it hasn't worked. I have tried to get out more and it hasn't worked. You can't run from the past. I've tried and it hasn't worked."
He paused and considered his options. It was time to tell her. She needed to know that she can get through this and he was ready to help even if it meant exposing himself. "Sara believe it or not but I know what it's like. I know because it happened to me."
She brought her head around to face him. "What?"
"It's happened to me Sara. I burnt out. I was put on a leave of absence for three months. I know about the nightmares, the cold sweats, the hunger, the restlessness, the pain, everything. You didn't do anything wrong to deserve the screams Sara. You just care so much that you blame yourself when things don't go right. It's as simple as a guilty conscience. You have a good heart Sara and I know it hurts." He inched ever so slightly to her. "I reached a point when I could remain unhurt by anyone and by my work. I tried to push away the feelings, any feelings, to put it all behind me and move on. I rely on that instinct to live. It was working for awhile then..." His eyes brightened. "You came along. When I met you, you turned my world around. You have such a drive for life and learning that it made me realize that I was dead. Sara, you showed me that life isn't all bad images and bad feelings. It's beautiful too."
Her head was spinning. This wasn't happening. The same Gil Grissom she accused of having no feelings was once too emotional with his cases? He was unable to remain detached from a case? He had to take a three month sick leave? He was warning her all this time because he knew what it was like. It didn't seem imaginable. Then he mentioned her and beauty again but this time it wasn't hidden behind a case or work. He stated it as a fact for the world to hear. "That's what you meant?"
He smiled at the fact she remembered the day he told her that he was interested in beauty since he met her. "Yes. I didn't mean to leave you confused. Again."
There was another pause of reflection, but Sara had to break the silence. Silence left room for regret. She didn't want Grissom to regret telling her. "Can I ask how it happened?"
He was relieved that she was so willing to talk to him, about something. "I was in my second year as a CSI. There was a serial killer that killed four families in their sleep then sent videos of the killings to us. He had no heart Sara. I met evil when I saw that first tape." He paused taking in her appearance. "We caught him eventually, but after that case everything became personal. It was easy to get swallowed by a case. A new one came in and it seemed there weren't enough hours in the day to give them all the attention they deserved. I thought that if I didn't solve it soon it would become a habit for the killer, and he would harm countless others. I burnt out. I was ordered a leave of absence for three months to get it together. I still struggle on the bad days; when I see you get swallowed by a case." He caressed her cheek without thought. "Sara it took me a long time to move pass the images and to stop blaming myself. I didn't tell you because I was afraid, but now I don't want you to burn out because I was too afraid to be with you."
It was quiet for awhile as Sara took all the information in, then finally came to rest on one solid fact. "You're here." She said simply.
He smiled as his thumb brushed her lip. "I am here."
"With me."
"With you."
"Touching me."
"Touching you." He left his hand remain on her cheek for a moment longer, marveling at her soft skin, before dropping his hand to his side.
She looked away from him then down to Rainey's grave while her hand found his and gave it a quick squeeze. "How did you do it? How do you treat every case the same way?"
"I never had a case that I could actually relate to the victims but some do get personal. I know I can't be any help to anyone if I lose myself in one case. I try to think about all the other ones that need my attention too. I know it sounds cold, but they have to be just cases for me. That's the only way I can help the victims and myself."
The first tear Sara has shed in a long time tumbled down her cheek before she could wipe it away. "I don't want to see or hear the women anymore."
"Sara, look at me." He held on to her hand and pulled her eyes away from the grave to meet his. "You shouldn't do this to yourself. You aren't to blame for any of the victims or your friend's death."
She tore her eyes from his and looked to the sky to keep from crying. "Grissom she was the best friend I have ever had. She's gone and I have no one."
"You have me Sara." It took no thought at all, the words were completely natural. Sara's head whipped around to look at him. He gave her a small half-crooked smile at her reaction. He surprised her again. He brushed her hair behind her ear again without thought. "You'll always have me." She did not question the meaning or why he said them, she just accepted them. No analyzing or worrying what might be thought, she just fell into his chest. Her arms embracing him in a warm friendly hug. He closed his eyes briefly at the sensation as he wrapped around her back to welcome her in.
"I don't want to burn out Grissom." She whispered.
"I know." He breathed in her hair as he held her tight. She finally pulled away to see his eyes. They were so blue; she couldn't remember when they were so blue. Her eyes stung with tears. "You okay?" He asked also searching her brown eyes.
"I think I will be." She released him from the hug. "Thank you Grissom. For being my friend."
He nodded. "You ready to go home?"
She gave another second glance at Rainey's grave. It was time to say good-bye. Sara made a promise to herself that she would not come back. Rainey wouldn't want her living like this. Grissom wouldn't want to pick up the pieces, if she did. Sara didn't want to hurt her friends. This was her battle. She knew that this was not an immediate fix but it was a start. It was a start in the right direction. "I'm ready." She said finally.
He cupped her elbow in his hand and lead her down the hill away from the victims of death.
End