Part 4: Harry
* Just one more song to slay this earth
And I can't explain myself
Just what it's worth
It was all I had, but not all I need
And I can't escape the fact that I still bleed…*
It burns it burns, why is he following me? He's always…
"Hello Harry," Nick greets. Cheery. Will I be cheery when I…
"Nick," I nod. Spying, that's what…
"How is your summer going so far?"
"Well," I answer, turning down the hall that leads to the library. Severus is working on a potion with fairy wings and I want to show him that I know something…
"Did I hear you say it burns?" he asks. Shit, aloud again. "Is it your back?"
My back? Why do people ask about my back? They never believe me when I say that I wasn't there. My back wasn't set aflame and I wasn't there to smell…
"What? No, my back is fine," I answer. Thank God, Severus never asks about it. He only ever licks it…
"Well, if you're sure," Nick says, frowning before floating off, probably to tell on me. My back doesn't burn. My ass is burning though. Not from Severus though, because that would feel nice, but I know my memories never stop midway and god don't these Death Eaters ever lift their foreskins when they wash? Miracle I'm clean after they all…
"Hello Harry." Shit.
"Headmaster," I greet. Why is there blood on my hands? Where am I going?
"Harry, I'd like you to come with me to your …"
"No, please," I whine. Where's Severus? If he were here, I wouldn't whine, but I wouldn't be here either, what am I saying, where are we, why is there blood, I thought he took this away from me…
"Harry, Harry, calm down," Dumbledore whispers. Calm, I'm calm, I'm always always, stop making me…
"No, don't, don't tie me down," I whisper. What can I say? I said something once and it made him stop, for a moment he stopped for a moment. "Please, don't, they tied me down, please, I won't look I won't look, don't tie me down, I won't fight, fuck, please, I want it, don't tie"
He stops! I can beg! I'm powerful when I beg! He stops and I take off, I'm flying, he didn't know that I can fly but I do all the time, Severus would tell anyone I do all the time, Severus, always makes me smile that beautiful man, who's yelling, no one, it's silent, it's always very quiet wherever I go because no one dares speak to me, untouchable untouchable, I forgot that I was, I've been making Severus, that's why he's so mad, I'm supposed to protect him, to save him from Voldemort but I've been making him touch me instead and I'm filthy and he knows he knows but he's been taking care of me! He's been taking care of me the entire time! Oh Severus, I've failed you. I looked away. I can't…I'm sorry. I'm sorry Severus. There's blood on my hands, in my eyes. I forgot for a moment that I can bleed, but I'll do it for you Severus, everything for you because this is what I need this is what makes me happy and it was unfair to ask for it from you especially from you because I already owe you so much and I've been hurting you and I see how now I see and you wanted to tell me last night you wanted me to stop but I made you fuck me, I raped you, I raped you every night this past year and that's why you don't let me sleep in your bed, because you are so strong that you can handle burying your cock in me but you can't endure me wrapping my arms around you I'm so sorry I'm so…
* And if you're still feeling down
And if this seems way too loud
Then maybe you need me around…*
This is the thing about waking up tied down to my bed. The bonds are always invisible. Why does Albus do this? Why make the ropes invisible? If I strain against them and fail to move, I can look down and see nothing and then, doesn't that mean the failure is mine?
Where is this lucidity coming from? I yawn, cracking my jaw in the process. I hear movement at my side and Severus comes into view. Dear Severus. When did you get so old?
"Harry?" he asks. Has his voice always been so soft? "Harry, how are you feeling?"
"I'm fine, Severus," I answer. "Are we in your room? Did you let me stay the night?" I can't remember any games. In fact, the only game I ever remember playing with Severus was the one time he let me be on top.
"We're in your room, Harry," he answers, sitting down on the edge of my bed and leaning over to undo the charms on my wrists and ankles. "Don't you remember what happened yesterday afternoon?"
I can't remember seeing Severus so sad. What was yesterday afternoon? Nothing out of the ordinary. I fell apart, Albus put me back together. The only difference today is that Severus knows. Severus knows. And now I can look at him with all the horror I've been collecting these past twelve years.
"Harry, why didn't you ever tell me?" he asks. Where's the anger?
"Tell you what?" Ah, there's the anger. He's hitting me now. Very hard, very hard and crying too. I'd beg him not to cry if only I could breathe. What's wrong with my chest? I look at myself and see the bandages. Oh yes, the fire. In my moments of clarity, I always wonder why I choose fire as a means of self-mutilation. Surely it must be something of an oddity. But before I can tell him I'm sorry, Severus is running away. I'm tired. I think I'll rest, just for a moment, before giving chase.