Part 5: Severus

* I had no voice
I had no drive
I had no choice
I've done my time
I had myself
Had my band
I had my love
Had no hand in watching it all fall apart…*


 I hit him, I hit him when he was already hurt, my poor Harry, he never, why didn't he ever tell me he was hurt? I've been cruel and cold and petty and pathetic all for him , for him, because I thought that if I only told him I didn't want to pretend that it wasn't real between us that he would run away. And now I've run away, and left him and he's probably bleeding again, probably didn't even notice that he cut his arm to hell as well. How could I have let our lives turn into this? Damned boy. Damned Albus. Why didn't they ever say? I could have…I don't even know. Could I have helped Harry? Still I don't know what…what happened? What the fuck happened to us? We've been lovers for a year and how could I have been so blind? And I was blind to everything! Everything! I've touched every inch of that body and the only scar I've ever seen was that damned lightning bolt on his forehead. How could I have…I know he wasn't putting up concealment charms. I know how those feel because I used to…but why didn't I see? Why didn't I remember? I was there for God's sake. I saw what they did to him that night. I saw more than what he ever admitted happened. Sometimes in class, the smell of burnt feathers still sends me back to that night, but why did I assume Harry was healed? God, now I look at his back and…how could I have not felt those…what is he doing at this school? Now Albus tells me that Harry's been medicated, drugged these past four months, and that before, before, that's why there are added wards on the perimeter of the forest. That's why Hagrid usually whispers that the forest was calm last night. What about the times he didn't? Twice last week that I can remember. Was Harry…God, I can't even bear to think about it. Alone out there, prey to everything, to everything. To me. And I just hit him. He always asks me why I'm so angry with him too. Have I ever…no, I've never hit him before. I love him. Why did I…God save me, I knew he was crying the other night. Was he remembering…where was I this year? How could I have let him fall apart? He came to me every night and I just thought, he's 29, lonely, beautiful. Beautiful. I should have known I was his punishment. He must see Weasley and Granger every time he looks at me. He must remember how he looked at me and he must think that it's his duty to love me like Voldemort assumed he loved me or else his friends would have died for nothing. Nothing. They died for me though. Less than nothing. Why did Harry look at me? It was because I was weak and I cried out and shocked him. I as good as killed him. How could I have ever hoped to love him? I killed him.

"You did no such thing," Albus says, scaring me out of my stillness. Did I say that aloud?

"I did, Albus. You've been warning me away from it since November but I didn't listen and now it's too late." I want to cry. I've been waiting to cry for such a very long time.

"How is it too late, Severus?" Albus asks. God, he sounds so impatient. Not even the same man.

"Haven't you seen what he did to himself? Haven't you seen what I've done to him?"

"Severus, how do you feel about Harry?"

"Oh no you don't!" I yell, shaking his calming hand off my arm. "You can't come in here and ask a few questions and try to fix us. We're people Albus. This isn't some fucking childish squabble or strategy for war."

"I disagree on both fronts there," Albus answered sternly. "And I would have stepped in months ago if I hadn't been bound to confidence by my role in Harry's recovery."

"What recovery?" I laugh. "He's mad."

"Yes, he is. But he has the capacity to be fully functional when properly medicated. It's only this relationship that…"

"I knew it. You think it's all my fault," I interrupt.

"I didn't say that," he answers.

"Why not? It is my fault. I've been an utter fool."

"Yes, you have. And Harry's been dishonest. And since he's constructed a rather effective method of tuning out whatever advice I give to him, I'll just have to speak to you instead. You love him, Severus."

"Of course I do," I answer.

"And Harry loves you."

"He can't." Albus looks as if he's about to strike me.

"That is perhaps the cruelest thing you have ever said about him. That man has a bigger capacity for love than I have ever seen. It is so immense that it threatens to fill him up until he bursts from it."

"But he can't love me," I clarify. He can't and I know it. Not after…

"He can and he does. But somehow he got the impression that he was forbidden to show you."

"We agreed! It was part of our arrangement!"

"Why was there a need for such an arrangement?"