Title: Moments Like These
Rated: PG
Summary: Buffy looks back over her and Spike's relationship as she makes her way through the caves to rescue him at the end of "Showtime."
Disclaimer: I don't own BtVS; Joss, UPN, and the WB own everything. Please don't sue me. Oh, the poem is mine however.
Special Thanks: To my lovely and very talented beta reader Haley Teague.
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It's in moments like these,
When the big things come,
That's when we find who we are,
And who we shall become.
~ * ~
Buffy stood over the hole in the Christmas tree lot, staring down into the darkness below. He was down there, waiting for her, knowing that she would come. She was the hero; she'd always come for those in need. And, God was he in need.
She could only imagine what had been done to him, the torture that The First must have put him through. It would have killed any other man, but not him. But then Spike was harder to kill than Cher's career. Besides, something told she would know if he was dust, and she knew right now that he wasn't. If she had anything to say about it, he wouldn't be for a long time to come.
Taking in a deep breath, Buffy checked the dagger at her side before climbing down into the darkness below. Her feet hit the cold, hard ground of the cave, and she momentarily surveyed her surroundings. Darkness, darkness, and, oh look, more darkness. Well, it's not like The First or Batman would have need for that much light. After all, for some reason or another, evil always did seem to have this incredible night vision. But still, she's come all this way to find Spike, the least they could do is set up a few torches that tell her 'This way to the souled vampire.'
Closing her eyes, Buffy let the silence talk to her. She was close to him, closer than she had been in days, which meant she would be able to feel where he was. It was that whole 'I know you're the slayer,' 'I know that you're a vampire' thing, only a little different.
For the most part, Buffy had long ago learned that she could tell who was a vampire and who wasn't, thanks to Giles' constant nagging when she was younger about sharpening the skill. Mostly, all vampires felt the same, sent the same crawling sensation up the back of her neck. That was what helped her track them in a fight, to know when they are trying to attack from behind her or double team her or whatever.
However, there had been a few vampires that had a sensation all their own which lets her know exactly who it is. Though she had only met the Master once officially, he had sent chill bumps up her arms, something no other vampire had done before or since then.
Angel had always sent the strangest sensation by tying her stomach into a knot whenever he was around. A left over from her school girl crush she had had on him when they first meet and thought he was human, she supposed, and it had just never gone away.
Angelus himself bled an aura of destruction and death around him. She didn't need to be the slayer to know when he was around. Hell, even Xander could tell when the vampire was around if he wanted to. Angelus just gave off the creepy, slasher horror movie vibe that you got whenever you knew the killer was waiting for the stupid kids to split up so he could pick them off one by one. If anyone stopped long enough, they would be able to pick up on that.
And finally came the one she was looking for tonight, Spike. He had always made something in the back of her mind jump. Not in fear or surprise or anything like that, just something that screamed 'It's me!' It used to be just an annoyance that she wished she could get rid of herself of. Right now, however, she was thanking God that she had it.
Right. It was telling her to go right. That was where the lion's den was; where he had been left alone for days to fight them both off. She hoped he realized that he hadn't been alone in this. That, even if she wasn't there with him physically, that he still had her with him.
~ * ~
It's in moments like these,
When the whole world changes.
That you come along,
And show the strangest of faces.
~ * ~
The thought struck Buffy, causing her to almost literally stop in her tracks. That whole thing had mimicked another incident that had occurred to both of them years ago; when he had come to her, sought her out just like she was seeking him, to offer her help in stopping Angelus. He needed her then, just like she was sure he needed her now, but then it was for a very different reason.
He had told her that he could not fight Angelus and Drusilla on his own and neither could she. He knew it, she should too. At the time, Buffy had not known that Spike was as notorious for telling the truth as he was for lying. He had been upfront in why they needed to do this together. She had to kill Angel, but she couldn't face him alone; she needed his help and he needed hers.
Still, Buffy knew she had not taken his bluntness well. She never had, probably never will. So, she did the only thing that came so naturally when it involved Spike; she hit him, hard, and told him that she hated him.
At the time, it had meant nothing to either one of them, but, now, she felt bad for saying such a thing. He had only spoken the truth, even if she didn't want to hear like always. But then, it was a different time, they were different people, so he told her more truth that he had known she didn't want to hear, that he was all she had.
~ * ~
It's in moments like these,
When I just want to stand by,
That you offer your unwanted help,
To try and open my eyes.
~ * ~
That hadn't been the last time Spike's truth had bit deeply into her. It was a talent he learned too quickly for her taste. Buffy could remember once telling Angel that she could fool everyone, except for herself and Spike. God, how much did that come back to bite her in the ass? He became synonymous with being her truth giver. She couldn't think of a more obvious example than when he had blown back into town, crushed over Drusilla and wanting revenge on her and Angel for their parts.
She'll never forget that look on Spike's face when they had told him that they were just friends; that look of 'are you completely insane.' He had known. He was, after all, her truth giver.
Spike had told her that she and Angel would never be friends. They couldn't be friends. It was probably the most truthful anyone had ever been with her about her relationship with the souled vampire. She loved him, part of her still did, but they would have killed each other.
Spike had been right; she and Angel couldn't be just friends. Not anymore than she and Spike himself could be. Funny, she had always thought of that speech being for her and Angel, but it looks like it now applies more than just one vampire.
~ * ~
It's in moments like these,
When happiness is abound,
That I come to myself,
And find that even Eros can be a clown.
~ * ~
God, did that mean that she loved him? No, she wouldn't let herself. She had once, even if it was under a spell, and look what happened. All her friends had nearly gotten killed because she had been so wrapped up in him. He had taken her over completely, and that was much scarier than any demon or apocalypse she had ever faced. Thank God Willow had been able to break the spell before any of them got hurt. Of course, at the time, coming back to her senses while she was kissing Spike hadn't exactly been a pleasurable event.
Buffy could remember hearing thunder and seeing a flash of light and then, suddenly, that intense love she had felt for him was gone. It had taken a moment for her mind to register that she was kissing cold lips, and, when it did and she pulled away, she had been completely creeped out.
Oh come on, it was Spike! Arch-nemesis, Sunnydale's own resident evil, the bad guy who didn't let a little thing like a chip hinder him in trying to cause mayhem and destruction Spike. Any sane person would have been creeped out too. But was even more creepy to her was that she had actually liked kissing him. So, no, she wouldn't let herself love him. Bad things happened when she did.
~ * ~
It's in moments like these,
When the big one comes,
That you swear to me you'll be there
Until the job is done.
~ * ~
Still, there were other times when she almost would let herself. That night with Glory, when she had drug him out of the Magic Box and back to her place for the simple reason that she was scared that if she left him and Xander alone for much longer that her little army would be short one more person. She needed both of them at the time, and had told the vampire as much; that she needed him to protect her baby sister. He had sworn to her, while standing in her living; that he would until the end of the world.
That's what she had thought he would say, and she trusted that he would keep his word. Dawn was in good hands; even if those hands did happen to belong to a vampire Buffy had once tried to kill and he had tried to kill her. Spike would give up his life to protect her little sister; Buffy could see it in his eyes. That was good to know when she was going into a battle that she wasn't sure that she would be coming back from. He would always be there, if for no one else, than Summers girls.
~ * ~
It's in moments like these,
When I face the harsh light of day,
That you'd help me live,
But I wouldn't stay.
~ * ~
And he had stayed right there, helping Dawn in the summer then helping Buffy later on when she couldn't live. She had taken his help, but more than she should have. It wasn't his fault for their relationship, for the most part anyway. Buffy herself had been the one to take it too far, taking out her self loathing and hate on him while he was trying to offer her love. But she didn't want it and wouldn't take it. She knew that as clearly then as she does now. She had been killing herself last year by means of Spike, and it hadn't been fair to either one of them.
Still, that morning after Riley had left and she had finally had enough shame and guilt to break it off, she had found it much harder than she liked. She had to be even with him, a skill she had perfected with her family and friends, or he would have read her like a book. Buffy couldn't let him know how close he had gotten to her because he would have used that as a means to keep her there with him. She had told him that it was killing her, and it had been; there had just been too much pain.
Buffy had only thought she had known pain then. But things had gotten worse, worse than she could have ever imagined. They did so many things to each other, and it had all exploded one dark night in her bathroom. Buffy knew then that things between them would never be the same. God, if she had only known.
~ * ~
It's in moments like these,
When now you're the one in pain,
That I do my best to show,
That none of the lessons have been in vain.
~ * ~
Then he had come back to her, but it wasn't really him anymore. Well, it was, the Spike she knew was still buried somewhere deep inside of the person he is today, but it was now the Spike she knew with a soul. That night in the church, he was so broken. And she found herself crying, for him, for herself, for what had happened between them. There were still times late at night, when she would be in that place somewhere between awake and asleep, where she'd see him in her mind's eye, slumping on that cross; burning the sin and pain into his skin for all to see, for her to see. One of the many marks he made on himself for penance, one of the many times he tried to hurt himself in the way that he felt he should be hurt. She knew she had only seen a fraction of what he had surely done to himself.
Then things seemed to be getting better. He was out of that basement, where she later found out he had been tortured by The First, living with Xander without them killing each other, and he seemed to be getting better. But, as usual, things never actually got better, just looked like they did. He had tried so hard…
After the basement incident, Buffy had seen him starting to slip away again. Tying him down had been just as much for his own protection as theirs. If he could have, he would have killed himself; Buffy had no doubts about that because he had tried to get her to do that very thing. But she wouldn't give up. As bad as it was between them at times, he hadn't ever given up on her; she wouldn't on him.
She believes in him. That's why she found herself here now, why she knew he was still alive and waiting for her. And she was coming for him. She was coming for him now.
A warm orange glow began to fill the cave, letting her know she was almost there. Buffy paused for a moment at the mouth of the large cavern, letting the sight before her sink in. He was tied to one of the walls, his arms lifted over his head and his face dropped down to the floor. There were marks carved into his chest, probably made by the very dagger or one like it that she carried to free him. Pulling the weapon from her belt, she lifted it up to cut him down.
Buffy knew when she walked towards him that this would turn into another one of those moments, a moment that Whistler had told her about all those years ago. Maybe most wouldn't consider it one of those big ones, but it was to them. She had come for him and now she always would.
~ * ~
The moments they come,
And they may go as they please,
But I'll always find you here,
In moments like these.
~ * ~