Merry Christmas minna! I was hoping to have this done before Christmas day but…hmm well considering it is Christmas day right now for me…and uber soon for you yanks etc I don't think it will be. We'll see…I'm writing on it now as we speak but eh, what can you do? Well, sorry for the sad, somber chapter. It is, dedicated to my dear friend Elizabeth Benson who passed away this August. I love you Beth. Hope you're celebrating with the best of them up there. Thanks for all the support my darling readers. I hope that like me, you are enjoying this story and other Christmas romances with a mug of hot coffee or cocoa or chocolate and curled up in your favourite pajamas. Even though it's normally sweltering hot for me during Christmas, I'm enjoying a nice thunderstorm, thus I get the snuggly winter treats this Christmas (the closest to snow I'll ever get during Chrissy anyway) With love from the Aussie side of the world. Merry Christmas darlings! -.-;;; and this is going to be even more late because ff.net is screwing me around.

Author: Cher

Email: Usachi_10@hotmail.com

Homepage: http://www.geocities.com/mavercadaver/

Rated: R

Stark White Christmas

Usagi stood still. Feet firmly planted to the floor. Tears quickly welling in her eyes and sobs threatening to escape her mouth. Mamoru. Mamoru who had just agreed to trying a relationship. To committing to her. Mamoru was kissing Ami Mizuno.

Usagi couldn't stop staring. She couldn't move. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't think. Her eyes were rooted to the couple as Ami's eyes fluttered open, her lips separating from Mamoru's. Usagi could see the shock in Mamoru's eyes. Had he really not expected her to give into his charms so quickly? Usagi nearly gagged in disgust.

"Mamoru…?"

She was pleading with him. Usagi had thought she was a nice girl. A simple, sweet, nice girl. Boy was she wrong.

Mamoru's hands fell limply from Ami's waist.

"Ami I…I'm…I thought…"

Usagi couldn't watch any longer. Her stomach knotted as her feet began to function once more. She couldn't hold the sobs back this time and her hand flew up to cover her mouth as the tears spilled from her eyes.

"Usagi…no, wait!"

She flew from the foyer, past Mamoru, past Ami, past her pain. She was so stupid to trust him with her secrets. With her passions. With her life. With her heart. So stupid. The tears flew harder this time. She hadn't even realised that she had passed Rei. Passed Minako and Kunzite.

"Usagi!"

Rei called out to her. Usagi mistook the concern for hatred and ran harder. Away from the scene. Away from her pain.

Her make-up began to streak down her face. Dark lines of mascara and gold streaks of shimmered powder. Usagi didn't care as she ran through the dancing couples and up the steps. She didn't care that she had just slammed into a hard body. She did care that the hard body was holding her shoulders tightly, commanding her to calm down. It was Motoki.

"Don't. Motoki let me go!"

"What is it? Why are you crying? What happened Usa?"

Usagi wretched herself out of his grasp and pointed angrily at the large ballroom beneath them.

"Where is Dr. Mizuno, Motoki?"

"She's waiting for me in the washroom foyer. Why is that Usa?"

"You might want to go find her Motoki. You won't be too happy."

"Usagi…wait!"

She had started running again. Running in heels that tore at her skin. Running in cold air. Running in an unknown direction. Running for an unknown time. Running until a shrill series of beeps interrupted her escape.

"No! Just fuck off! For one just fucking leave me alone!"

She screamed at an empty black sky, in an empty, cold, snow covered park. Thunder erupted in the sky as Usagi yanked her beeper from her hand bag. It was Rei.

Usagi swore loudly, shakily dialing Rei's cell number and listening to the empty rings of the cell phone.

"Usagi?"

"Rei. I can't handle your abuse right now I'm…"

"Usagi good heavens. Are you alright?"

"Rei…Rei oh god. I thought…"

"I know, I know. I was. I was so angry. But he fucked you over didn't he?"
She couldn't answer. She just cried silently while her sister listened on the other end of the line.

"Listen honey. Forget him. You're better off without him. Just call a cab and go home."

"But Rei I think I'm…"

"Don't think that. Mamoru Chiba is not the guy you want to fall in love with. Don't let him kill you Usagi."

"Rei…"

"Honey. Stop crying. Keep your chin up. I'll call you tomorrow ok?"

"Ok. Bye Rei."

"Good night Usagi. I'm sorry he ruined it for you."

"No…I'm sorry about the other day."

"Forget it. It's over. Blood is thicker than water right?"

"Night Rei."

There was no sense of relief when she hung up the phone. There was just an empty feeling in the pit of her stomach. She had sorted things with Rei but Usagi still felt that the advice Rei gave her was wrong. She didn't want to forget Mamoru. She didn't want to walk in on him kissing Ami Mizuno. She didn't want to be crying in a deserted snow covered park. She didn't want to hear her beeper going off again.

"God. Just leave me alone!" Her weak wail was cut short when she read the number flashing across the screen.

It was the hospital. Dartagnan was in trouble.

With a new fear in her heart, Usagi hailed a taxi and made her way to the hospital.

"You did what you could Doctor."

Sympathetic eyes bore into her own empty orbs. Ashen hands clutched the metal rim of the operating table. Squeezing the metal so hard that the knuckles paled.

She looked about the brightly lit room. Procedures flooding her mind. She had studied this all at medical school. She had seen it done in so many lectures. So many theatres. She had completed countless amounts of training for these operations. Why couldn't she save Dartagnan? Why couldn't she save him?

"Why…why didn't it work?"

"It was too late for him Dr. Tsukino. It was his time."

She shrugged the hand off her shoulder and stalked to the sink, yanking her gloves off her hands.

"Bullshit! Fucking bullshit. You know I could have saved him. You have seen me do this operation so many times Kazu. Why did I fail tonight?"

"We were too late for him Doc."

She had his back turned to him. Her head sunk as tears were soaked into her face mask.

"No. I could have saved him. I could have…"

"Usagi! There was nothing we could have done for him."

She couldn't hide it any more. Loud sobs echoed through the silent theatre. Her staff stood silently. Not wanting to disrespect her moment of anguish.

"Where did they take him Kazu?"

"Back to his room for now. He'll be transported up to the…he'll be seen to in a half hour or so."

Usagi nodded, pulling her face mask and cap off in defeat. A signal that she had accepted the death of Dartagnan. She slipped out of her surgery coat and back into her white medical coat. Making her way to Dartagnan's room while silent tears streaked her face.

He looked so rested as he lay on the bed. His once vibrant eyes closed to the world forever. A sharp pain struck Usagi as she sat by the bed taking his tanned hand in her own. Her mind played for her scenes of countless childhood memories spent with Dartagnan and his family.

A 10 year old Usagi stared happily back at the French man who gently pushed the swing she occupied.

"Higher Uncle Dar! Higher! I want to see the lovers on the hillside."

He laughed his giant laugh, wrapping his strong arms around Usagi's waist. He took her hand in her own and pointed it to the hillside.

"You'll be up there one day Bunny. With your own lover. And we can all spy on you while we sit on this very swing."

He noticed her tensing body. A deep pain ebbed into Dartagnan's heart. He knew of her past troubles with the men. He cursed the monsters that broke Usagi's heart.

"No Uncle Dar. I'll never have a lover."

He laughed again. Resuming her swinging.

"You'll marry one day Bunny. You will."

"Not me Uncle Dar. I'll never marry either."

He spun her around to see the defiant pout on her lips. With a grin he lifted her from the swing easily spinning her through the air. Her shrieking giggles overjoyed him.

"Well Bunny, if I were a little younger and you were a little older, I would marry you."

"What about Aunt Toni?"

A guilty smile stretched across the Frenchmen's face as he heard his wife approaching.

"Yes what about your wife, Dar?"

The three burst into laughter, the married couple each taking a hand of Usagi to walk her back to the house.

"You picked a bad night to do this to me Dar. God. I could have saved you. I could have done something. I'm so sorry."

She buried her head in her arms which rested beside his lifeless body. Sobs wracking her small frame.

She cried by his side for fifteen minutes. Holding onto his hand tightly. Not wanting to let him go for fear of releasing their memories together.

The lyrics of the song she had heard earlier floated into her mind. That blasted Mariah Carey song. Usagi's song that she shared with Mamoru. The thought of his name sent another burst of pain through her body.

"I love you Dar. Why can't all men be like you. I would have married you too Dar. If you were a little younger and I were a little older. I would have married you too."

She smiled sadly. Humming the haunting melody of The Wind.

"You've flown into the wind, escaping all, the hurt within. Took to, to the sky, leaving the world behind…"

She smiled again as two hospital staff entered the room. Standing slowly she gave Dartagnan's hand a final squeeze.

"Dr. Tsukino, do you request more time with the patient?"

She shook her head, smiling through the tears. Leaning over, Usagi planted a soft kiss on his forehead.

"I've said my last good-byes. Thank you gentleman."

"Are you off now Miss?"

Usagi nodded. Slipping out of her white coat.

"It's really coming down outside. Biggest thunder storm I've seen in years. You ought to call a cab instead of walking."

She nodded again. Feeling the urge to go home and bury her head in some pillows while she cried her sorrows away.

"Usagi!?"

She knew that voice. She knew that timbre. The way it shaped her name. The way it tricked her into wanting to hear more. She knew Mamoru's voice.

She turned to him with dead eyes. What did he want from her? Why did he keep playing these games with her? Usagi never wanted to see him again.

"Leave me alone Mamoru!"

"Usagi you don't get it…I thought she was…"

Usagi swung a left hook, connecting it with his jaw. His grunt of surprise was nothing compared to Usagi's cry of pain. Damn he had strong features, literally. She searched desperately for a taxi nearing them. No such luck. The street was almost empty as the rain and thunder crashed through the sky.

"Damnit, Usagi please…"

She shoved passed his crouching figure, taking the steps two at a time. She was not going to listen to Mamoru Chiba wangle his way out of this mess. He had caused her enough pain for one night. She was quick enough to get around the corner before he realised she had left the shelter of the foyer and ventured into the storm. Mamoru swore loudly.

Usagi whimpered softly as a crack of lightening illuminated the sky. She hated storms. She hated Christmas and she hated Mamoru fucking Chiba. Tears began to fill her eyes as the events of the night recurred in her mind.

And now her new dress had been ruined by the rain because she was too battered to talk to Mamoru while waiting for a taxi. A roll of thunder sounded throughout Central Park causing Usagi to shriek in surprise. She began sobbing, how the hell was she going to get home? No cab driver in their right mind would allow her into their taxi.

"Fuck!"

She found herself standing on a pebbled bridge. Her saturated dress clinging to her body, the elegant twist of her hairstyle had come loose long before and her hair was now matted to her head.

How could she screw her life up so easily in a single night. She had pushed Mamoru away for too long and now he had chased an ex lover. On top of that the only man besides her step father that truly mattered in her life had been killed, because she wasn't quick enough to save him.

Usagi let out an anguished moan, wrapping her wet hands around the post of the bridge. The tears flowed a little faster and hurt a little more. She could have saved Dartagnan. She could have let Mamoru in when he tried so hard all those weeks ago. She could have done so much to prevent all this pain. She could have left Mamoru alone and let Rei keep him for her sex partner. She could have, but she had to be a slut instead.

She sobbed louder, her cries being lost in the thundering storm. Her knees gave way as she sunk to the cold ground, leaning her forehead against the post she clung to. Her make up dripped down her face with her tears that mixed with the rain.

Mamoru could only run through the swelling storm, calling her name in desperation as he frantically searched for the woman that had captured his heart. The woman who he had destroyed. If only he had of looked harder. If only he had of known it was Mizuno standing at the mirror. If only his mind wasn't hazy with alcohol. If fucking only.

He didn't want to lose Usagi. This was proof. Never in his right mind would he rush through a thunder storm screaming like a lunatic. Damnit she wasn't even wearing a coat. She'd be freezing and she'd be alone. Mamoru cursed the day he let himself be taken by Usagi Tsukino. He cursed his stupidity for letting her run into Central Park alone in a storm. If anything happened to her before he found her…Mamoru clipped the sentence. Nothing would happen. He'd find her. He would.

And sure enough there she was, collapsed on the ground, soaked through the bone and sobbing like a child. Mamoru visibly cringed. To see her this broken. To see anyone this broken. To know that he had taken part in the breaking. He sighed. Resting his own soaked hand on the rail of the small bridge. She was metres away, sobbing, wailing, hurting. What could he say to make it right?

"Usagi what do you want me to say?" His own voice was defeated, his own eyes hurting, "what can I possibly say to make this right?"

She looked in his direction. He couldn't tell if it were directly at him. The rain was too thick between them. She said nothing. Just looked. Just cried and watched him stand there being soaked.

"Is this cleansing for you Usagi? To watch me hurt as much as you? To watch me stand in this storm? To watch me chase after you time and time again? Is that what you want? Do you want me to tell you that your punch is still hurting my jaw? Will that make things right? Tell me what to do!"

He was yelling. He had a right didn't he? She wouldn't even hear him out. That it was an honest mistake. She wouldn't hear it. She wouldn't let him in again. She was too good for that. Too good to get messy in a relationship.

Her head dropped, strands of her golden hair sliding to cover her face. Her tiny body dripping wet, the dress he bought clinging to her frame, she was the image of a defeated woman.

Mamoru took a step towards her. Why wouldn't she answer him? Another step. Could she even hear him? Two more steps.

"Get away from me Mamoru. Get the hell out of my life. How can you do this to me? How can you accuse me of being so…heartless?! You can't do anything to make this right. This is never going to be right. We are never going to be right!"

She stood on shaky feet. Her hands flailing, frantically gesturing, pushing her matted hair out of her eyes. Wiping the make up from under her eyes and failing miserably as the black streaks soaked into her skin.

"What made you change your mind Usagi? You haven't even heard my explanation. I didn't know that…"

"I don't give a shit what you didn't know Mamoru. You were kissing your ex. How do you think I feel about that? That punch was nothing compared to the retribution I should earn from this. Jesus Mamoru. How can you? How can you live treating people like this?"

She was stumbling towards him. Her hair draping over her eyes as she continually shoved it behind her ears. Her eyes flashing with anger. He held his ground.

"Don't be petty Usagi. No one deserves retribution. If you'd just hear me out."

She stopped her advance. Sobbing loudly again and yanking her dress from the ground in a desperate attempt to not completely destroy the hem.

"So what am I supposed to do with this pain Mamoru? Hmm? What do you propose I do? Bottle it up inside? Just like I did all those years ago when I was raped, touched and battered around? Do you want me to live through another life time of pain just because you think I should hear you out? There's nothing to hear Mamoru. You fucked me. I don't like being fucked."

Mamoru scowled, she was being completely irrational. Her abuse had nothing to do with him mistaking his ex for Usagi. He ran a hand through his wet hair, shaking the rain drops out of it.

"Usagi, stop guilt tripping me, this has nothing to do with you being abused. What happened tonight can be fixed. You just need to listen to me damnit!"

Something inside Usagi broke. A wall that held in her emotions was crushed and out flowed all her angst and pain. Pushing her towards him. Pushing her to beat at his chest in fury.

"Tonight can't be fixed! It can never be fixed! Not only did I lose you, I lost Dar! I fucking lost everything that was becoming important to me. I'll never be fixed. I couldn't save my own uncle. How can I…"

She stopped hitting his chest. Her hands falling limply by her side as she fell to the ground again. Wailing louder.

"Usagi, who is Dar? What do you mean? What happened tonight?"

He knelt beside her, taking her face into his hands, forcing her eyes to his. Searching for answers in her dead, emotionless eyes.

"You broke me tonight. That's what fucking happened. Get your hands off me!"

She stood, wrapping her arms around her body and turning her back to Mamoru, turning her back to the pain.

"Usagi damnit all to hell! Just fucking listen to me. I thought Mizuno was you! That's why we were kissing! I fucking walked up behind her and thought she was you!"

Usagi glowered. Shoving her hair out of her eyes. She could almost laugh. It took him two hours to come up with such a pitiful excuse.

"Get the hell away from me Mamoru."

"No. Two hours ago you were talking about falling for me and starting a relationship with me. Now you hate me? What's changed Usagi? What changed your mind?"

"My trust changed. I thought I could trust you. I did trust you. I told you things that I haven't shared with anyone! Things that could ruin me if it got into the wrong hands. Things that already have ruined me regardless. I let you in. I let you into my heart and you just kicked it around like a tattered piece of dirt. That's what fucking changed."

His gaze burned holes into her back. She was not the victim here. She was twisting the tale with every breath so she could be the victim.

"And I didn't tell you things that mattered to me? I didn't share with you my dark secrets? Everyone has them Usagi. Yours just happen to be a little darker and a little more painful than most. That doesn't change the fact that we can fix this! I can help you! Let me help you!"

She spun around, her open palm connecting with his cheek. Water splashed around them as the rain fell harder, the lightening cracked brighter and the thunder roared louder.

"I did let you help me! And this is what I get for it."

"So you think arguing in the rain, hitting me, ignoring my cries for help…you think all that will make you feel better?"

She balled her hands into fists. The gall of this man. He was -not- the victim here. Why the hell was he making himself sound so innocent. With a deadly gaze in her eyes she placed her hands on either side of his face, pulling him down to stare at her. Her voice was deadly soft and full of hatred.

"I don't ever want to see you again Mamoru Chiba. You have caused me enough pain for one night. For fucks sake! If I weren't so busy falling in love with you I could have saved Dartagnan! I could have…I'm leaving. Don't you dare try to contact me ever again!"

Usagi shoved his face back and spun on her ruined Blahnik's, striding away with a slight wobble in her step and an empty heart. New tears formed in her eyes. If it weren't for Mamoru Chiba she could have saved Dartagnan. It was too bloody late now.

She asked for some leave from the hospital, two days, when they told her how busy it was she simply said that her emotional attachment to the patient she lost would interfere with the two operations she had over the time she requested off. Usagi kindly informed Naru that another doctor could do her rounds and she would be willing to work overtime for the following two days to get on top of her schedule.

"But Usa, the second day will be Christmas eve. You can't…"

"Naru, I hate Christmas. You know that."

"Usa, your patients don't want to be in surgery for Christmas."

"Oh…"

"I'll phone them and re-schedule for later that week. I'm sure we can do some swapping and changing. They're not major operations. Nothing a few days won't hurt. Take care of yourself Usagi."

"Thank you Naru."

She walked to the balcony, lowering her tired, aching body, into the long bench that stretched across her rather large balcony area. It was raining outside, she wished it would stop raining.

The rain reminded Usagi of the night before. Of Mamoru and Dartagnan. Of how she seemed to get screwed over by every man in her life. Even if Dartagnan didn't mean it. She hadn't even stopped to think that Mamoru might have been telling the truth. Such a pathetic excuse couldn't have been real. The only person she could possibly get the truth from was Mizuno. But…would Mizuno lie to protect her new relationship with Mamoru? Of course she would. Anyone would.

Usagi bought her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms tight around her legs, leaning her head on her knees.

Luna slumped onto her stomach in the doorway, seemingly exasperated with Usagi's mournful antics. She let out a pitiful squeak of a meow, too accustomed to ignorance on Usagi's behalf.

Usagi smiled though, patting a spot on the bench at her feet. The dark feline joined it's owner, staring out at the storm. The two of them wore pensive faces.

"I used to love storms…"

Luna had curled up on Usagi's bare feet. Purring in content. Usagi longed for a life of such ease. The phone jostled her out of her thoughts. Her machine would get it. Even though the cordless was resting beneath her on the wooden bench. Usagi didn't want to speak to anyone.

"Usagi. Makoto. I'm worried. Call me."

Short and to the point. Makoto was like that over the phone. But her voice warmed Usagi just that little bit and prompted her to reach under her legs. A talk with Mako might be nice. The phone rang in her hands, causing her to jump. She cautiously left it for the machine to pick up inside.

"…"

Silence. Usagi listened intently. A male cleared his throat over her machine.

"Uh…"

Usagi frowned. It wasn't Mamoru.

"This is Motoki. Usagi, Ami and I…well…we're really worried about you. I mean, Ami said something awful had happened and you were so emotional when I saw you leaving last night and…can you call me? I mean you're probably at work now, but one of the nurses there said you were on leave for a couple of days. I went into see you. Don't be angry Usa…"

She smiled a little. Pressing the talk button.

"I'm fine Motoki. I lost a patient that night. He was…he was a close family friend."

"Oh…oh wow Usagi, I'm so sorry. How did…how did Ami know?"

Usagi frowned. Ami didn't know. Ami was too busy kissing Mamoru to know about…Motoki had no idea about last night. About Ami and Mamoru. About anything.

"I'm not sure…maybe Mamoru mentioned something."

"Have you spoken to Mamoru?"

Had she spoken to Mamoru. She definitely had. And gotten herself a nasty cold to show for it. Plus the blisters from walking all the way home in wet Blahnik's. Motoki had no idea.

"Usa?"

"Sorry. I spoke to him last night after my operation."

"And?"

"And, what?"

"Well he's not answering his phone. He's not at his office. He's not on his usual schedule. If he is at home, he's not answering his door. It's unlike him."

"Perhaps he's with…a woman."

She heard Motoki laughing. He really had no idea.

"If you're alone, than I doubt that he is with a woman."

"What are you talking about, Motoki?"

"He's totally hooked on you Usa, are you blind?"

Usagi clenched her fist. Staring out at the rain that had suddenly picked up.

"I'm sorry Motoki, I've got to get going, someone's at my door."

"Oh no, no, that's fine. If it's Mamoru, tell him to call me?"

"Oh I will. Bye Motoki."

"Bye Usa, take care, Ok?"

"Thanks."

As she hung up the phone she had the childish notion to throw it across the balcony. Usagi was tired of thinking. Of explaining. Of listening.

The phone rang again. Usagi jumped in shock as her heart beat raced. The bloody phone. With something akin to a growl, Usagi stalked inside, tossing the phone onto the couch and retreating to the kitchen. The machine beeped into action.

"Usa, darling, it's your mother. I just got the news about Dar. I'm so sorry sweetie, I know how much you adored him. You must be distraught. We're having the annual Christmas eve dinner party at the manor. Your secretary said you had the day off. Why don't you come over, spend some time with the family, help us prepare and what not. It'll get your mind off…it's not a big dinner. Just a few lawyers, no doctors I promise. Please come Usa. Call me back."

Usagi sighed. She heard the pain in her mothers voice. Maybe a day at the manor would be nice. She needed to get back in touch with her roots. Immerse herself in her family life. As vain as her mother was, she was the only person that understood the true loss of Dartagnan. Usagi scooped the phone off the couch and dialed the manor. It looked like she would be spending the following day with her family.

~*MUAH*~

When everything is gone there should be nothing to fear. This world will not bring me down because I am already here.