Omg, it's finally arrived. The last chapter of Stark White Christmas. *cracks up* And so late for Christmas 2002. HAHAAH. -.-;; it's not even 2002 anymore. I'm so pathetic. Anyway. Thank you to all my readers. And to everyone who reviewed. IM'd or emailed me about this fic. I am so touched by the response and I will always remember each and everyone of you who left comments for me as I continue writing new pieces. Really, authors aren't just fluffing out bullshit when they say reviews push them forward. This would never have been finished if it weren't for you darling readers. Thank you so much. And -your- reward? The tenth, and final chapter of Stark White Christmas. Merry Christmas . . ^^;;
Author: Cher
Email: Usachi_10@hotmail.com
Homepage: www.geocities.com/mavercadaver/
Rating: R
Stark White Christmas
The drive to the manor was long and painful. Usagi had found her broken heart CD mix with all the sorrowful tunes imaginable. She blared it from her player, singing along with certain songs, pensively thinking about others.
She left the top down of the convertible Jaguar. Regardless of the weather, Usagi just wanted to feel the wind blowing at her. Reminding her that she was real, and that she was grounded. For that, she received many glances from the senior citizens driving alongside her. And for that, she received many woops and yells from the younger drivers. She didn't notice any of this. All she noticed was her pain. And her loss. And before she knew it she had pulled up in the driveway of the manor. Her mother sitting on the grand entrance steps, smoking a cigar.
"Usa!"
She'd been crying, maybe from the harsh cigar smoke, but probably because of Dartagnan. Usagi didn't even turn the engine off. She just ran to her mother, wrapping her arms around the older woman. Giving in to her pain. Admitting her loss.
Finally after the cigar was finished, the tears had stopped and someone had attended to Usagi's car and luggage, the pair spoke.
Usagi's head was resting on her mother's stomach, her legs spread wide, arms resting on her knees, two steps below her mother who had produced a packet of cigarettes. The two women smoked languidly, as if it were a normal occurrence. Usagi and Ilene had quit smoking together four years earlier.
"Was it painful?" Ilene passed the ashtray down to Usagi.
"No. He was sleeping, I did everything I could think of doing. I don't…I can't…understand what went wrong."
Ilene smiled through her silent tears, running her hands through Usagi's golden hair. Gently massaging her daughters scalp.
"Life went wrong, my precious Bunny. It always does."
"I know. I just…I lose patients rarely, it's still new to me mum. And to have to deal with this when it's someone so dear to me, you know?"
Ilene just nodded as Usagi continued.
"Aside from Rupert…Uncle Dar was…well, you know how it is for me."
Usagi felt a violent need to cling to her mother as her old feelings were invoked. She felt a kiss being planted on her head. She lit another cigarette.
"I wish you could find a man to change all that Usagi."
'I nearly did.' Usagi frowned at the thought. She didn't. She knew that. Mamoru was just playing her like the other girls. What would it take for her to realise that? Usagi closed her eyes, exhaling the smoke of the cigarette.
"Is Rei coming tonight?"
Usagi stood, stretching her muscles and offering a hand to her mother. The two walked, hand in hand, into the grand house.
"She is. Jadeite too. I've invited your friends too darling. Mako and Mina. Their men. All of Rupert's family will be here too. We're expecting at least a hundred for the after dinner party."
Usagi smiled. Her mother had made it out to be a small gathering of Rupert's lawyer friends. Not to worry. She could always retreat to her suite if things got too rough. Too painful. Too nostalgic.
"And what needs to be done?"
Ilene smiled, squeezing her daughters hand.
"Nothing. We need to be done. I had little Beryl hire some movies. You and I are going to be lazy today."
Usagi laughed.
"Little Beryl is my age mother, and I thought you fired her."
"For what?"
"For being a bitch."
"Usa! She's just the hired help. She's no concern of mine. Come on sweetie. Let's relax. Then we'll have time for a quick nap before the dinner will begin."
"I don't need napping, mum!"
Ilene laughed, pulling Usagi closer to her and wrapping her in a hug.
"Then you can amuse yourself for a while, while I do old lady things."
The mother and daughter retreated into the upstairs lounge room where they spent the better half of the day watching action movies.
Punch, kick, roll, rise. Punch, kick, roll, rise. Punch, kick, roll, pain.
"Damnit! Ow!"
"Usagi, what is with you today? Whenever you train with me you're usually way more focused than this!"
"Sorry Art. I'm just…not with it today."
Usagi took the hand of her mothers personal martial arts trainer. She'd decided to spar with him for the afternoon to release some tension. The only problem was her concentration. Usually his sessions helped her gain some inner peace but today she was completely off.
"Damn right you're off, Usagi, your mother doesn't pay me to hang around here and beat your ass down. Do you want to continue?"
Usagi nodded, tightening her pony tail and stepping back into her fighting stance. Art flipped his long bleached hair over his shoulder, raising the punching pads high. She began the combination. A jab, a roundhouse kick, a defense roll and an uppercut rise.
Finally she had sunk deep into her routine. Art grunting every once in awhile. A sign of approval. Her toned legs slammed hard into the sparring pad. A thwacking sound filling the room. She didn't hear anything though. She just felt her muscles tensing and relaxing. She felt the real pain. The pain that made her feel alive. Nothing that ached. Just an exuberant twang that reminded her how human she was.
"Usagi! Snap out of it!"
Usagi stopped mid kick to see Rei standing in the doorway. She was dressed in a deep red dress billowing around her knees. She looked elegant with her dark hair pulled into a bun. Even though they had somewhat worked out their differences over the phone, Usagi could still hear the bite in Rei's voice.
"Rei. Hi, what time is it?"
"Usa, it's almost 6pm. If you want to make dinner on time you'd want to end your session and take a shower."
Usagi smiled graciously at Art, embracing him warmly. He returned the gesture, patting her back with the sparring pads. Causing her to laugh.
"You take it easy, Usa! I want you off your feet on Christmas. You hear?"
She smiled wider. Nodding and raising her hands in defeat.
"Of course. As you wish, master."
Usagi was answered with her screaming cell phone. She shot it a glare, swiping it off the work bench. Mamoru's name was flashing across the screen. She smiled over her shoulder at Art, making as if she was answering it. As soon as she was out of the room she switched the phone off.
"Who was that, Usagi?"
Her eyes flew upwards to meet Rei's, who were smiling with a coy glimmer. Rei knew. Rei knew it all.
"Mamoru. I'm not talking to him."
"Good. See you at dinner."
Rei's voice was a little too cheery. A little too pleased. Like she'd single handedly settled the problem of Usagi and Mamoru. Usagi knew though, that problem was unfixable. They were meant to be broken. With that thought resonating in her mind, Usagi made her way to her bedroom to prepare for the dinner.
It was a pleasant dinner. The tinkling melodies of modern day Christmas carols sounded throughout the grand dining room. Usagi ate little, and talked less. Not many noticed. There were several guests seated around the table, each chatting idly to the other. Usagi secretly reveled in the fact that Mamoru was not seated at the table.
She had worried that Rupert or Rei had slipped Mamoru an invite or a mutual friend of theirs had mentioned the party. What would she had done if Mamoru had arrived all smiles and cigars, talking law and ogling other women at the dinner.
"Merry Christmas!"
Usagi snapped out of her thoughts and smiled at the stranger in front of her.
"You too. And a Happy New Year!"
"Cheer up darling, another year's just another year. You'll get used to it as you get older."
The older woman winked before shuffling away to mingle with other guests. If only she knew. If only all of them knew. The years went by a lot slower when you harbored emotional scarring and loneliness.
A voice hissed inside Usagi's head. Telling her she could have prevented this. She could have forgiven him. She could have accepted his lie. Was it a lie? Was she even sure he was lying.
A deep frown etched itself across Usagi's face. Could a man really mistake another woman for her? Mizuno did look remarkably like Usagi that night. Especially standing at that mirror. Even more so with the amount of champagne Mamoru had consumed.
Usagi began questioning her judgement. She may have made a big mistake, she could have…
"Madame? There is a young gentleman requesting your company in the entry-way."
Usagi looked up at the butler, her frown deepening.
"Who is it?"
"A Mr. Chiba, Madame."
Her back straightened. Mamoru had come, uninvited, to her parents home. She looked frantically about, no one seemed to notice her interaction with the butler. If she could get rid of him quickly, no one would ever notice.
She stood, smiling at her mother and excusing herself to the bathroom. With quick steps, she followed the butler to the entryway. He bowed deeply, offering her privacy on the huge porch.
"Mamoru…"
"Usagi. Don't talk, just listen to me for a…"
"Mamoru, you're an uninvited guest. I suggest you leave before we have security remove you from the premises."
He grabbed her arm, yanking her close to his chest, his hot breath on her face. She saw a wildness in his eyes that she had never seen before. The look of a feral dog almost. Goosebumps fluttered over her arms.
"I don't give a damn, Usagi. You will fucking listen to me…"
"Madame? Is everything alright? I heard raised voices."
Usagi yanked her arm out of Mamoru's grasp. Stalking to the doorway.
"Call security, I want this man escorted of the property."
"Yes, Ma-am."
Usagi strode inside, her head held high, her heart breaking slowly. She wanted to listen to him. She wanted to forgive him. To love him. To lie in his arms and forget about their treacherous past.
"Get your hands off me!"
Usagi had only just re-entered the dining room when she heard Mamoru's voice. She stopped, ice cold. The guests had heard him this time. This time, they would notice him. She could hear his footsteps clicking on the tiled floor. They were brisk. He was running.
Everyone was still in the dining room as Mamoru burst in, grabbing Usagi by the shoulders. Rupert stood.
"I suggest you let my daughter go, Mr. Chiba."
Mamoru shot him a glare, his eyes leaving Usagi's for a brief moment before piercing right into her being once again.
"Usagi. What is it going to take to make you realise I thought she was -you-?"
Usagi set her jaw, glaring up at him.
"I told you to leave me alone Mamoru."
"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!"
She kept her voice quiet, low and with a deadly tone of ice.
"You're embarrassing my family and I."
He laughed at this. The wildness returned to his eyes.
"Well you'll just have to be embarrassed, because I'm not leaving until you hear me out."
Usagi moved her eyes to meet Rei's. Sympathy filled Rei's gaze. She felt sorry for Usagi. Jadeite slipped his arm around her shoulders. Whispering something in Rei's ear that made her snicker.
A deep blush spread across Usagi's face. Her mother and Rupert were standing in an act of defiance. The rest of the guests were sitting, hushed, fixated on Mamoru and Usagi.
"Alright. I'll hear you out. Let's go outside."
"No. You'll hear me out here."
Usagi pleaded with his eyes. Her mother would be mortified about this interruption to her dinner party.
"Mamoru, it would be best if you settle with only me being upset with you, rather than my family, and their guests as well. Come on, we'll talk in the study."
She saw him thinking this over. He reasoned that it would be wiser to stay in Rupert's good books. If he could figure this out with Usagi, there would be no need to hold a grudge against one of the most powerful lawyers in New York.
He nodded. Turning to the guests. He bowed his head in a gesture of apology.
"Forgive me, this woman has driven me absolutely insane."
The guests laughed. Rupert and Irene smiled and resumed their seats. Rei simply stared at Usagi and Mamoru with a stone gaze.
Mamoru's hands dropped from Usagi's shoulders, he rested on in the small of her back as they exited the dining room.
"Lead the way."
She could hear victory in his voice. She dared not look at him, but in her mind, she saw the smug smirk of satisfaction that he would probably be wearing. She hated giving in. And each minute that passed, Usagi's mind reasoned that his excuse, was indeed, viable.
God, she hated giving in.
The study was dark when they entered. Usagi automatically reached for the light switch, but Mamoru grabbed her wrist. He pulled her to Rupert's huge desk, forcing her to sit down in the chair. She rolled her eyes.
"Stop treating me like a hostage."
He ignored her, turning to the window and yanking the curtains open. She finally took him in, standing at the window, bathed in moonlight. He looked like everything she wanted, everything she needed, everything she ruined for herself. She was giving in with every breath of him she inhaled.
"I really did think she was you."
"I don't care."
He sighed deeply. Turning to face her. The wildness in his eyes was gone. He looked ghoulish standing in the dark room with nothing but the moon behind him.
"I meant what I said in the dining room, Usagi."
"What? That I'd hear you out in there? Not a man to stick to his word I see."
He stalked to her, towering above her. She saw something in his eyes, something that reminded her of childhood. It was the darkness that consumed the men that abused her.
"Mamo…"
"I meant that you've driven me insane. I can't handle another moment without sorting this out with you. I need to sort this out with you."
He crouched down, resting his arms on her legs. His chin nestling onto his arms. She looked down into his dark eyes. She saw only a broken man, pleading with her. For what?
"Why, Mamoru? So you can have closure? So you can go back to pestering me at the hospital? So you can go onto your next conquest?"
He stood abruptly, causing her to jump. His hand flew through his hair, his own simple gesture of frustration.
"No! There wasn't going to be any other conquests. There was just going to be you and me. And we were going to be each others conquests. For each other. We were going to be together. We were so close, Usagi. God. If you'd only believe me."
He was standing at the window again, a hand resting on either frame. His head hanging low. He heaved a loud sigh, looking like an old, haggard man.
When Usagi spoke, her voice was soft, and full of pain, regret. Any emotion that hadn't been drained from her the night before. A headache settled in behind her eyes.
"Even if I did believe you, there would always be that doubt. Don't you see? I'm fragile enough…I couldn't stand doubting you. It wouldn't be fair to either of us."
She nearly whimpered in pain. Every moment of the past two days hit her at full force. Pounding filled her ears, her eyes blurred with tears. Of pain? Of emotional stress? She didn't even know.
"Can't you let me take away the doubt? Let me build trust with you? Can't you…?"
She did whimper this time. She was already emotionally broken, this time though, she physically broke.
"Usa? What is it?"
"Aspirin…"
"What's wrong? You're crying. I'm sorry. Jesus, don't cry."
Her hand flew to her head, squeezing her temples. She needed to bury herself in warmth and darkness and…sleep.
"I need to…"
"Usagi, talk to me? What's wrong?"
She looked up at him, his eyes were wide with concern. His hands covering hers. When had he crouched in front of her again? She didn't even see him leave the window. Did he run to her out of concern? Her vision blurred again.
"Usa…let me get you help. God. Just…don't fall asleep…or something…"
"No!"
She wrapped her shaking hands around his wrist. If he got Rupert and Irene, they'd fuss and fiddle and put her to bed in a guest room. She wanted her apartment. Her room. Her bed.
"Well what? You're the Doctor. Tell me what's wrong?"
"It's just…Oh God!"
Another wave of pain shoved at her head. This was one killer migraine.
His hands rested on each of her temples, rubbing in a circular motion. Usagi closed her eyes. Her head, involuntarily tilted into his hand. He was hushing her quietly. She could hear the true concern in his voice. Her resistance gave in just a little more.
"Shall I put you to bed, Usagi?"
Her eyes flew open with another pang of pain.
"I want to go home."
Even to her own ears, her voice sounded pitiful. Defeated. Pain-filled. He nodded, lifting her into his arms. She fell asleep then. Her head resting gently on his shoulder. He didn't even inform her parents that they were leaving, just told one of the butlers that he'd be escorting her home. Several cars were pulling up in the driveway. It was the after-dinner party. He hoped that Usagi didn't mind missing it.
Usagi awoke at around 1am. She was surrounded in darkness and dressed in her underwear. Where was she? With a groan of pain, Usagi rolled over to see her digital clock flashing the time in neon green. She was at home.
She let out another drowsy groan, sitting up slowly. A dull thud filled her head. Of course! The migraine. So Mamoru really did take her home. A small smile lingered on her face for a moment as she remembered the look of terror and concern on his face.
He took her home…and undressed her. The smile fell and was replaced by a blush. There was no light in her room except for the small rectangle that filtered through underneath the door. She could hear the TV. He'd left her damn TV on. Typical.
Usagi slipped on some pajama pants that were lying on the floor of her room. So Mamoru had tried to dress her. How noble of him.
Usagi yawned, staggering a little as she made her way to the doorway. Upon opening it, she slammed her eyes shut. Not quite ready to adjust to the light, she rubbed at her eyes like a child.
"Morning."
He was awake. In her home. Watching her TV.
"What are you doing here?"
Her voice was thick with sleep. Her eyes opening slowly to adjust to the light.
"I just wanted to be here when you woke up, to make sure you were alright."
She felt her heart melt into a puddle that pooled at her feet. With something akin to a stumble, she made her way to the couch, dropping down into it with a heaved sigh.
"You know, you make it so hard for me to hate you."
His laughter comforted her. She missed it. She only realised now how much she did. How much she missed his warmth. His wit, his eyes. His arms. His fingers, playing with a small strand of her hair.
She frowned, moving her head out of his reach. Usagi was resting her back against the arm of the couch, her feet curling up beneath her.
"So…"
He mirrored her position at the other end of the couch, only his feet stretched out to rest either side of her. She mentally noticed that he had nice feet. In the same thought, she reprimanded herself.
"So, you wanna tell me what happened back there, Usagi?"
She raised an eyebrow. He was serious. His eyes imploring her to reveal the cause of her 'sickness'.
"Well Mamoru, you found me, and decided to force me to hear you out, just as the roller coaster of my life sweeped to its all time low."
He frowned.
"What happened that night? When you were in the hospital? Something happened."
She laughed uncomfortably.
"How can you be sure it wasn't just solely you that pushed me to this state?"
"Because you're stronger than that. It takes more than me fucking up to push you to this."
He looked, deep into her eyes.
"Who is Dartagnan?"
She took a sharp intake of breath. When had she mentioned him? In all her abusive ramblings did she bring him up? Jesus.
"My Uncle."
"There's more to it than that…who is he?"
She sighed deeply, turning her face from him, feeling tears well in her eyes.
"Usagi…?"
"He's my Uncle. And he's dead."
He frowned, taking her hands into his. She let out a loud sob. Her body shaking with tears. He didn't even have to prompt her to crawl into his embrace. She curled into him, sobbing loudly.
"I couldn't even save him, Mamoru. God, my own Uncle. He was the only man…the only one…I couldn't even save him. How can anyone see any good in me when I can't even save…"
"Usagi! Come on. That's not fair."
She was sobbing loudly. He could feel the tears seeping into his shirt. A familiar sensation. His mind took him back to the night they got drunk together. The night he fell head over heels for Usagi Tsukino. Or was it the night she threw the drink into his face? Perhaps the afternoon in her office when she beat into his chest until he forcefully made her stop. Then there was the time he was standing so close to her he could smell the goodness in her hair. The feeling of her arm in his, as they wandered through the gardens of her parents home. The constant bickering. The sight of her in tears. The sound of her laughing. All this time he was slowly falling for her and it took now, to see her broken, to see her at her lowest, for Mamoru to realise that he was deeply in love with Usagi Tsukino. And the prospect terrified him. Simply because he had, most likely, screwed up. Before it had even begun.
She stopped sobbing, her tears reduced to quiet sniffles. There were no more tears seeping into his shirt.
"I'm sorry, Usagi."
She nodded. Her hands wrapping around his collar, clinging to him tightly. She didn't want to let go. She didn't want to move. She wanted to fall asleep in his arms as if nothing had happened. She wanted to forgive him. She wanted to love him like she did the night of the gala. But most of all, she wanted to be loved by him.
It wasn't more than half an hour before Usagi was snoring softly. Mamoru decided against his judgement of spending a night with Usagi in his arms, and carried her to bed. He left a note of goodbye on the kitchen bench, telling her to call him if she needed to talk or what not. The ball was in her court.
It was snowing outside. Quite heavily. Christmas eve. Usagi returned to work the next day. She'd have to push the emotions aside. Forget the confusion that Mamoru had stirred in her with his note. She'd have to continue with her lonely life.
"Call him, Usagi. You love him don't you?"
She stared at the steaming coffee mug in her hands. Blowing ripples in it idly.
"Yes. No. Yes. Mako…"
Minako leaned over and patted Usagi's hand softly.
"Call him. Even if it's to tell him to get out of your life for good. You need -some- sort of closure."
"I can't tell him to get out of my life on Christmas Eve. That's heartless."
"Well he's been pretty heartless these past couple of days."
Makoto shot Minako a glare. It was clear who was for, and who was against a relationship with Mamoru. Usagi sighed as she sat on the fence with the whole situation.
"Minako is right though. You do need closure. I think it's clear the type of closure I want."
Minako took a long sip of her latte, rolling her eyes at Makoto. A Christmas Carol began to play through the speakers, which was unusual for the usual upbeat music Starbucks was renowned for. Even in the Christmas season.
"Do you believe him about Mizuno?"
Usagi nodded. She had spoken to Motoki, who was finally clued into the situation by Mizuno herself. The phone was passed to the surgeon later on in the conversation, who was in tears, apologising profusely to Usagi.
Usagi nearly burst into tears herself. She had thrown it away for nothing. And now, as she sat in Starbucks with her two friends, she felt more tears welling in her eyes. How many times had she cried this week? Too many. She hated Christmas.
"Do you love him?"
It was Makoto again. She was so bent on Usagi and Mamoru being together, it was almost cute.
"I gave in to loving him at the gala. And now, after I've thrown it away for nothing, I still love him."
Minako smiled a little. Sharing a glance with Makoto.
"So call him."
This time it was Minako trying to persuade her.
"No…well…I will, but not for that reason. I can't be with him. It started off too messy. There is too much angst involved with us. It would be too hard for me not to dwell on it."
"So you'd sacrifice being with him because you're worried about angst? You and him could work it out. I know you could."
Usagi stood, throwing a few dollar bills on the table. She kissed each of her friends on the cheek, squeezing their shoulders in thanks.
"I can't…I can't do it to myself. Or to him. Merry Christmas, my angels!"
They both smiled sadly. Waving her goodbye. Each wishing that Usagi would change her mind.
"Hello?"
His voice was gruff, thick with sleep and glazed with annoyance. She nearly hung up in fear. Her hands were already sweaty, her heart beating at a rapid pace. Why the hell was she so nervous. This would be the last time she'd speak to him. Then it would be over. All of this pain would be over.
"Hello…?"
She cleared her throat. Laughing a little too nervously into the speaker.
"Mamoru…It's…"
"Usagi?"
"Yeah. Listen, I hate to do this over the phone but…"
"You sound sick, do you want me to come over?"
"No…no. Just…let me speak ok? Don't interrupt me."
"Okay…"
Usagi nervously twisted her wall-phone cord in her fingers. The two glasses of champagne did nothing to ease her nerves and she found herself propping the phone between her ear and her shoulder as she poured herself another.
"You're probably wondering where I stand…with everything. With us. Right?"
"Right…"
"Well…I can't…I can't be with you, Mamoru."
"Oh."
He sounded so disappointed. So hurt. So childlike. Her heart tightened in pain and she downed a mouthful of champagne, feeling a little dizzy as it went straight to her head.
Mamoru had sunk to his own bed, frowning a little in confusion. His own glass of cognac resting on the bedside table, half empty.
"Can I ask why?"
"I can't put you through that. It's not fair on you. I can't even put myself through it. I'm too…emotional, Mamoru. And with our history…I just…I couldn't do that to you."
She heard him sigh. She didn't see his jaw clench, to the point that veins were showing on his neck.
"I'm willing to try, Usagi. You don't need to shelter me. You mean enough to me for me to want to fight for you."
"But that's not enough Mamoru. You can't give me what I need and I can't give you what I want. If it were…"
She paused. If they were strangers. God…if only she could run into him on the street and strike up a friendship.
"What? If it were?"
"If we had met under different circumstances, perhaps. If I met you at The Niche. On the street. At the park. Anywhere but NYG."
"Jesus, Usagi, now you're just being lame."
She frowned deeper. Tightening her grip on the phone.
"No…I don't think I am."
There was a deep silence. Both of them sunk into their own thoughts for over a minute. It was Mamoru who finally spoke.
"Well…Merry Christmas."
He hung up. And then he smashed his glass of cognac against the wall. A second glass of alcohol lost to his wall because of Usagi.
Usagi let out a withered sigh as she listened to the dial tone for five minutes. She threw back the rest of her champagne slumped onto the couch.
"Merry fucking Christmas."
Luna looked up at her with curiosity, meowing softly.
"Shut up, Luna. I hate Christmas."
Wow…I can't believe I've finally finished. Jesssssssssus. That was so…liberating : ))
~*MUAH*~
When everything is gone, there should be nothing to fear. This world will not bring me down, because I'm already here.