"Dammit!" I hissed, rubbing my forehead as I sat up. "What the Hell happened to me?" My head felt like someone smacked me with a baseball bat and tried to hit a home run with my brain… Or maybe that was a hangover? No. I didn't drink enough for a hangover last ni- Light flashed before my eyes as the memories of breaking wood and the ghost of a gunshot rang in my ears. "I… I got shot!? Where the Hell am I!?" Whipping my head around, I tried to figure out where exactly I was… Unfortunately, it looked like a higher power wanted to mess with my head a bit because I knew damn well there wasn't an afterlife that was a sewer. But wouldn't that be my luck?
Cursing furiously, I managed to get to my feet - now soaking wet, scared, and more than a little pissed off - stomping through the sewers all while wishing I could figure out just where the Hell that infernal, incessant dripping was coming from! Still swearing, I crashed through the blasted sewer until I stumbled on something that scared the absolute shit out of me.
The light at the end of the tunnel.
"Oh, Hell no." I hissed, glaring down the white square in front of me… Oddly enough the dripping only got louder as I got closer to the light. "Well… Screw it. Not like I have another choice…" I sighed, walking toward the square until I passed through it…
Directly into the same damn sewer but this time with a big ass cage in front of me.
"Who are you?" Something growled from behind the bars as a pair of big-ass red eyes opened and glared at me. My eyes widened comically as I stared up at what I recognized as something I had no interest in ever seeing in my life.
"Oh fuck no!" The red eyes narrowed as I paced in front of the cage. What? It's a nervous habit? "Kyubi, right? Dammit… Is this Hell? It better be Hell because if it's not then I'm fucked."
"What are you on about, human?" The nine-tailed demon fox from Naruto rumbled over me.
"I died. I was shot and now I'm talking to you. Do you see the issue?"
"Hm… Too weak to even save yourself?"
"I gave as good as I got," I smirked. "As if I'd die before taking that asshole out with me."
"Hmph, still weak."
"Says the ten-story tall demon, energy monster to the human." I shrugged. "That's like me calling a talking ant weak because I can step on it."
"Interesting…" The Kyubi rumbled, putting his chin on his paws as he stared at me like I was the particularly interesting ant I was talking about. "But that doesn't answer why you are here?"
"How the Hell should I know? This is definitely the work of bigger bosses than either one of us. Where I come from you're just a part of a TV show… Though they definitely didn't do you justice. But if I'm here, where's Uzumaki?"
"The brat?" Kyubi asked, twisting his face in what I took to be the equal of lifting an eyebrow. "Dead or dying I assume."
"Oh, that's just great!" I threw my hands up and flopped onto the floor. "So now I'm about to be thrown head first into a world full of superpowered maniacs who are all insane in one way or another and I'm taking the craziest little fucker's place?"
"That is how it appears."
"Dammit!"
"You are an interesting human… Free me. Remove this seal and free me!"
"If I free you, I'll just die again." I looked up at the fox and shrugged. "Sorry but that's just bad for business."
"But you are already dead."
"Yeah, but do I look like I'm in any hurry to do it again? Look, I get the appeal of crushing a village like it's a sand castle, I do. But toddlers crush sand castles for fun."
"You compare me to one of your kind's pups!?" The furious demon roared. I just shrugged.
"Look, I'm just calling it like it is. I'm a cynic that died at twenty-two - you're an immortal, giant, demon fox. Comparing you to a human is stupid but still, Godzilla and Toddlers crush sand castles. You don't look like a mindless, stupid, killer monster."
"Uchiha." The fox growled and I could have groaned.
"The Sharingan. Right. They can hypnotize monsters with their eyes. One got you, then?"
"..."
"Dammit." I pinched the bridge of my nose trying to dredge up everything I could on Naruto… Unfortunately, there wasn't a lot. "Er… There's Sasuke and Itachi that I know of, then there's Akatsuki-"
"Uchiha Akatsuki? Who is this?"
"Not a who, definitely not an Uchiha, but a what." I sighed, folding my arms over my chest while I racked my mind for anything I knew of the group besides the trademark robes. "It's the name of a band of terrorists, I think… Itachi's a mem- Wait, has the Uchiha massacre happened yet?"
"Yes." The giant fox almost… Er… Purred? Damned clan-hating demon foxes…
"Damn. How long ago?"
"It's been six months. The enemies of my Jailor seem to have laid the blame for the loss of the Uchiha at his feet."
"Wait, isn't Naruto like eight?"
"Seven."
"What the fuck is wrong with these people?" I shook my head and pulled my knees to my chest. "He's seven and they killed him?"
"They made an attempt. A kunai was lodged in his skull."
"Ouch…" I hissed. "Yeah… That'd do it."
"Indeed. I have repaired the damage but there was no one home…" The fox trailed off as he turned his beady eyes to me.
"Until I came around." The fox's eyes narrowed again but I waved my hand. "Look, really, I've got no love for this place. I don't even know why I'm here. I was perfectly happy with my old life as a metalworker. I'd totally be behind you if you wanted to go on a killing spree. Hell, I may even let you one day," the fox cocked his head but I carried on, "but right now I need help."
"Why would I help you?"
"Because if I don't get out of here they're going to keep Naruto's body a vegetable for the next eighty years just to keep you locked away in here." The fox reared back as if I had slapped him.
"Eighty years!?"
"At minimum." I shrugged. "Who knows how long Naruto's body could live? They want you under lock and key because the last time you were out, you killed God knows how many people and traumatized the rest. If they 'kill,' you then you'd just come back in like ten years. So what's it going to be? Help me out or sit around for the better part of the next century stuck in a cramped cage underneath the sewer?"
"That's not a choice."
"Not a good choice." I corrected gently. "But it is still a choice."
"Why do you care, human?"
"Care?" I laughed. "I don't care about you, I care about staying alive. You're my best chance at making sure that happens, Mr. Strongest of all Demons."
"Bijuu." The Kyubi growled. I just rolled my eyes.
"Strongest of all Bijuu. Naruto wanted to be Hokage, right?"
"The son of the Fourth wished to be the Fifth, yes."
"Right, right." I shook my head. "Let's get one thing clear, I don't give a damn about Konoha. I don't. But I have to be able to kick even Itachi's ass through his teeth if it comes to it. I have to be stronger than the Hokage but I don't want the hat."
"Then we will get along well, boy. I will be here and you will live."
"Fuck that." I spat. "A sewer? What idiot came up with this?"
"Uzumaki." Kyubi rolled his eyes. "This is the representation of his mind. A sewer."
"Great. So I can change it?"
"Perhaps." The Kyubi didn't sound convinced. "You are going to make Konoha an interesting village."
"That's not the plan, just a side effect," I smirked as I stood up. The Kyubi put his chin on his paws again and closed his eyes, cracking one eye open to glare at me.
"I tire of you. Begone."
"Ugh…" Groaning, I opened my eyes blearily. Wondering if that was just a really bad dream.
"Naruto!?" I groaned again, turning to see an old man's worried face over me. "Can you hear me, Naruto?"
"Yeah… I can." I grumbled, attempting to sit up. Nope. Not a dream. "What happened?"
"You were attacked, Naruto-Kun. Do you know who I am?" The old man, who I vaguely recognized as the Hokage, asked.
"Sorta?" The Hokage's eyebrows shot up. "You're the Hokage, right?" The old man closed his eyes and sighed.
"I am, Naruto-Kun. What else do you remember?"
"Not a lot." I squinted. "We're in Konoha, right?"
"We are." The old man nodded. "How are you feeling?"
"Like I got ran over," I grunted, shaking my head slowly. Then I felt gentle pins-and-needles running up and down my body - especially on the back of my head.
"As is to be expected… Do you remember what happened last night?"
"No." The old man hung his head as he took my chin between his fingers.
"Do you remember your name?"
"Uzumaki Naruto." I weighed the name on my tongue even as I said it. Some people said it meant maelstrom but I knew the creator was just a hungry fuck who named the kid after a fishcake. Thanks. I shook my hand and pulled the liver-spotted fingers off my chin. "I… I don't know much else, Hokage-Sama. We're in Konoha but I can't tell you anything besides that."
"I believe you. You do not act like the boy who called me Jiji… Tell me, Kyubi, what have you done to the boy?" The old man's eyes were hard but my eyebrows just lifted lazily.
"Nine tails? What's that got to do with anything?" He looked even more surprised. The old man seemed to sag in on himself as he fell heavily onto the chair behind him.
"I… I'm sorry, Naruto-Kun… The man that hurt you, who took your memories from you," the Hokage started as I lifted an eyebrow, "will be punished. Severely. I am sorry that you do not know who I am but you used to see me as a grandfather as I see you as a grandson. I am sorry that I was unable to protect you, Naruto... Do you know what a shinobi is?"
"Ninja?" The old man's eyes lit up slightly but dulled and he sagged in on himself as I shrugged.
"Then you were injured far more gravely than was feared…" The old man said, tears in his eyes. "For as long as I have known you, Naruto-Kun, and that has been quite sometime, you have wished for nothing more than to be Shinobi. To become Hokage…" The man's eyes lifted to the window as the shadow of regret and things long passed settled over his face. The old man's ghosts haunting him even now. "Now I am afraid things have changed."
"Why?" The old man wasn't expecting the question as he looked at me, obviously shocked.
"N-Naruto-Kun… You took a Kunai to the back of your head. The doctors do not know how you are alive. They said your hippocampus - the place where you keep memories - was either entirely or all but destroyed. They do not know how you were able to regrow it in a day." I shrugged but mentally thanked the fox. I felt a trickle of white-hot warmth surge through my mind and took that as Kyubi's acknowledgment. "I am afraid you cannot possibly go to the Academy after such an experience."
"But I'm healed, right?" I asked the old man. "I won't know anyone anyway." I shrugged again. "Besides, I want to be a Ninja, it sounds cool." I smiled and the old man looked like I had given him the best Christmas gift anyone had ever given him.
"I will see to it, Naruto-Kun. You will be enrolled when the fall semester begins."
"Sounds good, Jiji." I grinned and had to force it to stay on my face as I tried to figure out why I said Jiji and how I knew it meant 'old man/geezer/grandpa,' or anything in between. "How long is that?"
"Two weeks, Naruto-Kun. Do not hesitate to come find me if you need help, yes?" The old man said, taking my right hand in his. "The doctors will examine you in the morning and I will be here to take you home."
"Okay, old man, that sounds good." I smiled wanly as the old Hokage stood up with a smile on his own lips. Then the old man disappeared in a puff of smoke.
'Huh…' I thought with a lifted eyebrow. 'So that was the body flicker, eh? Interesting. So how the Hell do I know Japanese well enough to actually converse in it flawlessly?'
"Uzumaki." The Kyubi rumbled in my head directly to me. I tried not to roll my eyes.
'Since when could you talk straight into my head, Kyubi?' Unsurprisingly, all I got from my unwilling tenant was another spike of warmth. With a jolt, I realized that was probably ch- wait… Chi? No… That wasn't right… Chakrum? No, that was the death frisbee thing. Dammit… Oh! Chakra! That was it. 'Damned fox.' I shook my head and rested my chin on my hands.
So much to do, so much was coming… And I knew little to nothing about it. I knew I at least had to train as a Ninja, the Hokage wouldn't accept anything less regardless of what he said. Now I was a Jinchuriki with the strongest demon of nine locked in my belly, Konoha's greatest weapon now that the Uchihas had fallen.
All in all, I had no idea just what I was getting into but a gang of international criminals had their sights set on all of the Jinchuriki. Now it was fight or rollover. Seeing how I got here? Yeah. Rolling over wasn't an option.
I smirked as I rolled over on the brick-like bed. Tomorrow was going to be a new day.
"Good morning, Naruto-Kun. How are you feeling?"
"Like I've been poked, prodded, and fed gruel, Jiji." I deadpanned as I pulled the bright orange jacket little Naruto was much too fond of over my shoulders. "How do you think I feel?"
"Horribly, I'd reckon." The old man chuckled as he led me out of the hospital with the ease of a man who had strolled these halls too many times. "Let's get you home, Naruto-Kun."
"Thank God…" I muttered, scratching my chin as I squirmed around in the oversized jacket. "What happened to the bastard that rammed a knife in my head?" The Hokage looked surprised but that quickly morphed to distaste.
"He learned why I am called Shinobi no Kami." The old man growled. I rolled my eyes, struggling to keep up with his easy strides with these horribly short legs. My God, how did kids do anything?
"Alright then, Gramps. Mind filling me in on… Well, everything?" The Hokage chuckled as we finally made it to the doors of the hospital and into the open air. My nostrils flared as I took in a deep breath of the cool, crisp morning air. I may not have lived in a city all my life but there were plenty of things I instantly noticed were absent. Most modern cities have a background hum; the combination of cars, aircraft noise, generators, power stations - you name it - it didn't exist here. Or, if it did, it was too quiet for me to hear. For a modern American, it was equal parts unsettling and calming. This was a chance for a fresh start in the body of a kid that was practically royalty…
Though there was the little, bitty issue of having a demon stuck in my gut and the stigma that came with it against me. Oh well. Naruto was a kid that longed for attention - I am not. Ninjas were supposed to be shadows. They were supposed to be unseen, unheard, and unknown killers that you only knew were there because you were face down in a pool of your own blood.
Naruto ninjas? Well, they weren't.
They were fast as Hell, no doubt about it, but they weren't really ninjas in the traditional sense now were they?
Loud, brash, and obvious, they were more like screaming Spartans than silent killers.
Shaking myself from that line of thought, I actually took the time to take in the sights of the city as we walked. Together, the Third Hokage and I made our way through the winding, meandering streets of Konoha (though one particular street stood out as confusing as it seemed to defy all laws of direction and physics, the Hokage later told me it was called the road of life).
Honestly, we must have looked like quite the pair. The Hokage and the Jinchuriki, persona rex and persona non grata walking side by side through the picturesque village. Really the dichotomy was astounding. Some people would look at the Hokage like he was a god and then turn and look at me like I was Satan himself.
I really didn't understand these blasted idiots.
"Here we are, Naruto-Kun." The Third said as we arrived outside a rundown (read: shit) apartment building. I blinked twice and then turned to the old man beside me.
"Really?"
"I'm afraid so, Naruto-Kun. I am… Aware that it is not much but it is a… Quiet area." The old man winced as I lifted an eyebrow. Translation? It was cheap and the Hokage probably owned the building.
"Well, alright then… Let's see what I've got." The old man chuckled as we walked into the building. The ground floor was filled with (probably empty) apartment doors spaced out through the hall. Of course, we mounted the stairs and climbed up to the third (slash top) floor. The third looked at me expectantly. I blinked and dug into my pockets for… Ah! I fished out a key ring from my pocket with all of two keys on it. I shrugged and chose the bigger key, inserting it into the deadbolt and twisting. The lock squealed in protest against the rust in it, 'hm… probably should oil that…' I thought absently as I pushed the door open and froze in horror. "Oh Hell no…" I breathed as I took in the devastation in front of me.
Naruto Uzumaki was an absolute, unequivocal, slob.
There was (and I prayed to whatever god, gods, or spirits that wanted to make my life hell were listening that it wasn't actually) shit scattered through the little entry hall, empty instant ramen cups thrown around like plastic caltrops, the smell… It was indescribable other than horrifically nauseating. Paint was splashed on the walls in a cataclysmic, kaleidoscopic mess of headache-inducing swirls and globs, the sink was piled high with dishes stained with God only knew what, and overflowing trash bags were piled high along one wall.
"I did this?" I heard myself growl as I looked around the trashed apartment.
"It would appear so." The old man said, wrinkling his nose as he picked through the apartment as cautiously as I did.
"Oh hell no…" I growled again. "This is disgusting! Jiji, I'm going to need groceries but I'll have to get those later. Right now, I'm going to find where I keep the cleaning supplies."
"Or I could assign a genin team to clean the apartment, Naruto-Kun." The Hokage muttered, picking up an orange coat from Naruto's sofa cautiously.
"Thanks, Jiji… But I don't think I want to subject anyone else to this horror…" I sniffed, opening the fridge before slamming it shut. I shuddered but at least I knew where the smell was coming from. "Er, I have to pay for groceries, right?"
"That's correct, Naruto-Kun."
"How do I make money, then?" The Hokage nodded, smirking.
"You are given a stipend of fifteen thousand Ryo per month to do with as you will, Naruto-Kun. It is not as much as a Genin makes, of course, but it is enough to pay for your groceries and clothing should it be necessary." The old man said. I tapped my chin while frowning.
"A stipend, huh? But I had parents, yeah? Why don't I get their money?" The Hokage started sweating, profusely.
"Naruto-Kun, you have to understand-"
"You don't know who they were, do you?" I sighed, pulling out the chair at the table not covered in crap, and flopped into it as the Hokage sagged in relief. I might not have known much about this world but I knew enough to know better than to believe he didn't know who Kushina and Minato were, but I wasn't about to call an old man out on his bullshit. "I didn't know who they were before all of this either, did I?"
"No, Naruto-kun, you did not." The Third said, placing a hand on my shoulder as he knelt down in front of me. "But I can tell you that they loved you very much, as any parents do, and they were strong, proud Shinobi. I… I will see what I can do. What I can find."
"Thanks, Jiji," I said, smiling slightly at the old man. "Anything you can do will help but I don't think my stipend will pay a Genin team."
"No, it would not but I have many wrongs to right in regards to you, Naruto-Kun, and I will start with this…" The old man squeezed my shoulder as he took in a breath. "You will come with me for lunch. I will assign and personally pay a Genin team to rectify this disaster while we're gone. Though I may have to pay them a C-rank for this… There have to be a few perks to being Hokage." He grinned and ruffled my hair. Then he put his hands together, and instantly another Hokage appeared in a puff of smoke. The clone, no, the shadow clone, nodded to the Third and disappeared in another puff of smoke. I felt my jaw drop to the floor as the Hokage chuckled. "That, my young friend, was the Kage Bunshin. You will learn the standard Bunshin in the academy in a few years. Your first years will be spent…"
'Kyubi? You there?' The thought flashed through my head as I sagged into the couch of my (now immaculately clean) apartment. My gut twisted with warmth and my vision went black.
"What?" The giant fox grunted as I appeared in front of his cage.
"We need to talk." I sighed as I sat down on the cold, metal floor.
"About…?"
"The idiots in this village." The Kyubi chuckled malevolently as his crimson eyes opened.
"Thinking of freeing me, boy?"
"Yeah, I actually am," I grunted. The Kyubi looked at me inquisitively. "I'm not going to do it, sorry, but the dumbasses either don't realize that I'm not actually a demon or haven't thought about the consequences of what would happen to them if I was."
"Destroy their precious village and crush them underfoot?"
"That's too quick," I grunted. The Kyubi chuckled again as I glared at him halfheartedly. "Ever heard of the blood eagle?"
"Hm… I think that's a water country execution. Remind me." Kyubi rumbled but his eyes said he had no idea what the hell I was talking about.
"I'd rather not." I shrugged. "Can you look into my mind?"
"And read your memories? Not without your say so, my jailor."
"Oh stop with the bitching, Kyubi. I'm the one that died, ended up in the worst possible person ever, and ended up with you." I snapped. The Kyubi chuckled again. "Besides, I'm not your jailor, I'm your jail. I didn't exactly have a choice."
"Namikaze sealed me here, yes, and the Shinigami placed you here. Together, we are prisoners in a body not our own."
"And I really want to get back at those sons of bitches but the villagers will have to do." I grinned as the Kyubi barred his teeth. "One of them killed a kid and I don't know what happened to him."
"And you wished to give them the Blood Eagle, yes?" The giant Kitsune looked interested… That was probably a bad thing… A very bad thing… But I couldn't bring myself to be worried.
"That or crucify the bastard." I shrugged. "Or maybe scaphise him."
"Horrible deaths, I assume?" The Kyubi asked. I looked up at him and tapped my forehead.
"See for yourself." The Kyubi cocked his enormous head and reached out a giant claw toward me until it tapped my forehead. Light flashed between us and the Kyubi pulled back his enormous claw.
"By the Sage…" Kyubi rumbled. "I… That… That was your world?"
"It was."
"Your previous life was disappointing."
"Of course it was, I wasn't a ninja then, was I?" I grinned weakly before shaking my head slowly. "Now you know what I thought about Naruto when I was still in my old body."
"How they made him more of a fool than he truly was is beyond me… Two episodes, really boy?"
"And a few fanfictions…" I scratched the back of my head but shrugged. "I know, I know, I'm an idiot."
"Good of you to acknowledge that. Why do you bring that up?"
"I need to learn the henge jutsu, quickly," I admitted, shaking my head. "Thanks to the stigma of being your jail and the little idiot's pranks, I can't step foot into a store in the city without the bill being three times higher than it should. I'm not worried about Kunai, Shuriken, or things like that, those are easy to make or find."
"Hm… I will teach you." The fox growled, looming over me from his place in the cage with his teeth exposed in a horrific, foxy grin. I, on the other hand, felt like someone walked over my grave.
[A] - (US) Dollar to Ryo: 1:27 (roughly). There is no exact figure as ryo is a defunct currency. This will be faulty, yes, but there's little to no accurate information on the price of a ryo (particularly the Naruto ryo) on the interwebs.
[A.a] - If Sarutobi Asuma has a bounty of 35,000,000 ryo, by my scale his head is worth just over 1.3 million US dollars.
[B] - I will be using Japanese naming conventions in this fic, meaning the clan name comes before the first name. In English, Naruto would be called Naruto Uzumaki but the Japanese would call him Uzumaki Naruto.
[B.a] - Jiji: Japanese simplified honorific of Ojii (grandfather). Ojii is typically seen as Ojiisan or Ojiisama. The word Jiji means something more along the lines of old man, codger, or gramps.
[B.b] - Jutsus will follow the English dub. For example, Katon: Gokakyu no Jutsu will be Fire Release: Great Fireball Technique or something along those lines, most likely Fire Release: Great Fireball.
[C] - This story begins in mid-summer to early fall. The timeline will be ambiguous until I find a rhythm. As said in this chapter, this begins six months after the Uchiha massacre but I do not know when the Uchiha massacre occurred. I assume it happened in the late winter or early spring of 'year 73 post Konoha's foundation*,' and the anime canon began in 'year 78 after foundation*.' With Naruto being born in '65 after foundation*,' the story is currently set before October 10, p73* but after June 1, p73*.
*Post Foundation: p#. Also, After Foundation.