A/N: I finally decided to put all of the deleted scenes for Apologize together in one place (except for the ones that have already been posted separately).
This scene is from chapter 36; Kate had left the loft after discovering Castle's secret about Smith and Castle had tried to make amends with Johanna for the things she overheard during his argument with Kate. She asked him to get her laptop from the safe for her. This was supposed to be their second conversation of that night but I cut it due to word count, although I did allude to it during a moment in a conversation Castle was having with Kate.
Deleted Scene – Judgment- from Chapter 36
Castle returned to the guest room with Johanna's laptop, hoping he'd made the right decision to trust her not to flee. He found her sitting on the foot of the bed, her overnight bag now sitting across the room on the chair. "Here you go," he told her as he held the computer out to her.
"Thank you," she replied as she accepted it.
He turned to leave but her voice stopped him before he got to the door. "You can judge me all you want," Johanna said quietly. "But you're not perfect either."
"I never said I was," Castle said as he turned to face her.
"No; but you give the impression that you think you are when you're standing in judgment of someone else's imperfections."
"I wouldn't call this situation an 'imperfection'," he remarked. "An imperfection is a trait not an action…we were talking about your actions."
"And how you stand in judgment of them," she stated; her eyes meeting his. "You think you're better…that you never would've done it, that it would've been more noble to die. You can make a hero out of someone in that instance, and that's what you'd want to be. But someone who chose to flee on the advice of a government agency…well that person is just a coward. That's how you view me…a selfish coward."
He gave a shake of his head. "I never said that."
"You don't have to say it…it makes itself known. But what you don't seem to grasp is that Katie's been in danger long before any of you even knew I was still on this earth. She's been in danger from the moment she opened up that file and started digging…and from what I hear, you encouraged her in that. You poked your nose into it when she asked you not to. You violated her trust…you put her back on the path."
"What do you know about it?" he asked somewhat tartly. "I doubt Kate confessed all of that to you."
A hint of a smirk curved the corner of her lips upwards. "You're not privy to every conversation that we have, Rick…nor are you privy to the little chats I have with Ryan and Esposito when they stop by instead of Katie. I know all about it. Don't you think you endangered her? Did you ever think about that? Do you ever look back and think that someone somewhere might've known I was still alive but no longer deemed me as much of a threat as long as I forced into an exile where I had to lead a new life? That I might've been watched…and that you two might've eventually dug around enough and found some clue that I was still out there. You could've put me in more jeopardy than I already was."
"You weren't in jeopardy any longer, you were safe in Wyoming…you survived thirteen years out there," he retorted.
"That doesn't mean that someone might not have been watching from afar," she said in clipped tone. "Do you really think that I never considered that someone might find me? If you think I didn't ponder that thought all the time, you're crazy."
His hand clenched at his side. "So you're trying to shove all the blame onto me?"
"No; I'm just showing you that you're just as capable of putting people in jeopardy as I am. Like this thing with Mr. Smith."
Castle sighed. "I thought we just discussed this."
"I decided I'm not finished," Johanna said sharply. "You want to stand there and look at me with judgment in your eyes, well now it's my turn to judge you…and if you want to put me out of your house for it, please do, but I'll have my say before I go."
"You're not going anywhere unless Kate goes with you," he said firmly.
She ignored his remark and moved ahead with what she had to say. "From what I understand, you had one phone conversation with this 'Mr. Smith' and you put your complete faith and trust in him. You have no idea what his real name is, you know nothing about him. You don't know what role he has in any of this, if his loyalty can be trusted, if he has something to gain by betraying you…or by pretending to be on your side. You just automatically took his word…and you see nothing wrong with that. You didn't even consider for a minute that he might just be someone who wanted to use you to pull strings or to keep tabs on Katie, now did you?"
His jaw was tight with tension. "I told you; he's a friend of Montgomery's."
"And I reminded you that despite her loyalty to his memory, there's still a part of Katie that thinks about how he betrayed her. Every day he looked her in the face knowing who was responsible for taking her mother from her…every day, Rick. Every day he looked at her and knew that he was a part of the reason that took away someone she loved. She thinks about that…and she's going to be suspicious of people connected to him because of that betrayal. But you don't think about that. You think you know best…and you don't always know what's best. You gave your trust to someone who may not be worthy and you refuse to even think about it for a second because you're too busy trying to justify it…too busy judging her for her reaction because she doesn't fall at your feet and think it's wonderful that you took chances like that. You're too busy wanting to blame everyone but you…I'm willing to own everything else, Rick…but I'm not going to own this one. This is on you; my presence might have screwed up your so called deal…which was never going to last anyway, but it didn't change anything at the core. You did something that could've placed her in more danger. You think it's all me…but you have your hand in it too."
She touched a nerve and for a moment he hated her for it. Perhaps he had been reckless; he'd been so driven to keep Kate protected that he took Smith for his word without much thought to the other side of the coin...but he didn't feel that his trust had been misplaced…but he also didn't like the feeling that Johanna was right, that he could've endangered Kate just as much as she had. He shook the thought away, concentrating on his anger instead. "You're hand was stirring this pot long before mine was, Johanna. You're the one who took the case."
"I'm aware of that. Believe me, it's been a very lonely existence for the last thirteen years. I've had plenty of time to think about what I've done. I wish I hadn't taken the case; I wish I never would've gotten that letter. But you don't always know that the letter in your mailbox is going to upend your life in ways you can't even begin to fathom. I've regretted it every day…and don't you ever think otherwise," she said sharply.
"You could've just dropped the case," Castle said tartly.
Johanna gave a soft scoff. "Do you really think that wasn't the first phrase out of my mouth when the F.B.I. approached me? Because I assure you it was. I would've dropped it faster than you can blink. It was too late! I had already poked around enough that I apparently knew more than I should and it was decided that I needed to be dealt with. The hit was already out; I'm lucky that someone somewhere knew about it and tipped off an agent. I didn't have all the time in the world to make a decision. I had two options; I chose to live so that I could come back. There might be hurt and anger but those things can be worked through. At least I have a chance, God willing, to fulfill the dreams Jim and I had of growing old together. At least I have a chance to see Katie walk down the aisle…a chance to hold my grandchildren. Are there moments when I wish I had let it go the other way…yes…because sometimes I hurt so much and I hate myself so much that I think it would've been better for everybody…but then I pick myself up and remind myself that despite the years of loneliness, the hurt, the anger, the loss…I'm still here, and I can have the years ahead of me if this ends. I didn't want to die for someone else's sins. You don't get a second chance when that card is drawn…so yeah, I chose to draw the other card…a card that came with the chance of coming home. Do I wish my homecoming could've been different, that everything could've been over and the threat of danger gone? Of course I do; but it wasn't meant to be that way…after all of this time, maybe it's going to take both of us to end it. We don't get to control everything that happens in our lives, Rick. You seem to think you can but you can't. This spiraled out of my control long before I even knew it."
He blew out a breath but kept his lips pressed together. He understood what she was saying and he was glad that she had been spared. But just like the last time they had waded into these waters, he was torn about whether he would've done the same thing.
"I know what you're thinking," Johanna stated as she clutched the laptop in her hands. "You're thinking that you wouldn't have done it if you were in my shoes. You think I somehow feel good about what I did; but I don't. Going away was the only viable option. I couldn't risk putting Katie and Jim in danger by staying. I couldn't risk putting them in danger by telling them the truth…they might've been watched, someone could've picked up on things if they didn't act the way a grieving family is supposed to. It might've looked suspicious if they just all of a sudden up and moved away a few days or weeks later. It ate me alive but I did what I felt was best for all of us…I was protecting them and I was giving myself the chance to come back to them."
"You've told me before."
"It seems like it bears repeating," she replied. "Just like you can stand there and tell me a million times that you wouldn't leave Alexis even if you felt her safety might depend on it…but you're a liar."
Castle's eyes widened at the statement and his lips parted to offer a rebuke but she continued on before he could even form a phrase.
"You'd go," she said knowingly. "You'd hate it but you'd go…because you love her and she's the most important thing to you. You'd console yourself with the knowledge that she'd have Martha here to help her through, to guide her, love her and look after her until you could come back. You'd leave to keep your mother safe…because she's all you had for a long time; because you love her, because you need her to be here for Alexis. You'd leave to keep Katie safe because you love her and wouldn't want to be responsible for any harm that came to her because of you. It would kill you inside, but you'd go. It might be more noble to go with the first option and end up on one of Lanie's slabs…but you don't get the second chance card with that one. You'd want the second chance…you'd go, I'll never believe otherwise. You can say it until you're blue in the face and I'd never believe you'd put your pride above the safety of your love ones and the need to be in their lives even if you have to be absent for awhile. So don't you stand in judgment of me…you've made your own mistakes, maybe not as big, but you've made them. You've hurt people. You've taken risks you probably shouldn't have. Don't let your ego convince you that you're something bigger than you are because you're not. I like you, Rick…but I see your flaws just as easily as you see mine and Katie's. You have no room to talk."
Castle was silent for a long minute, digesting her tirade. She had thoroughly told him off in that somewhat neutral clipped tone of hers…and he felt like maybe he had deserved it a little; after all, he had been silently judging her and not so silently blaming her. Before he had left the room to get her computer, she had apologized for messing up everyone's life, for being a burden…for being born. But somehow in the time it took for him to go downstairs and fetch her computer from the safe and then return to the room, she had decided that she wasn't quite finished…that maybe despite being sorry, she had more fire to unleash…and he couldn't find it within himself to be offended. She spoke the truth, whether he liked it or not. He couldn't even find it in him to be offended that he was the one she unloaded on because he knew he was the only one she could go off on freely without too much worry. He could see the weight on her shoulders, the strain and tiredness in her eyes. She kept her anger suffocated…but he had poked it by keeping something from Kate. She fought for herself…but she fought twice as hard for Kate and she couldn't allow him to go un-chastened for the hurt he had caused her child. She may have called him out on a number of things…but mostly her underlying cause had been Kate. She fought the battle in her absence, backing her up, standing their ground. He could respect that; his pride and ego could take it even if she had unleashed pleasant thoughts in his mind. He breathed deeply and tried to figure out what to say as she watched him expectantly.
"If you want me to leave," Johanna spoke up; "I'm happy to do so and there aren't any hard feelings on my part. I'll have to take Katie with me since I'm basically her job right now, and I am sorry for that. I can call and tell her that we need to go…that I'll pack up our stuff and be waiting for her to pick me up."
Castle shook his head. "No; I need you here."
"What for?" she asked.
He smiled. "Your sparkling conversation, of course."
"Liar."
"I think you need to be here too," he commented.
Johanna scoffed. "Trust me, I don't."
"Yeah, you do…you need to yell at someone once in awhile; you're too afraid to yell at Kate much and you're too afraid to yell at Jim. But you're not afraid of me."
She shook her head. "You're wrong. I can't press my luck with you. You and Katie will eventually make up, you'll tell her, she'll get mad at me and tell me off and hate me and I'll be back to square one."
"If you feel that way, why did you do it?"
Johanna shrugged. "Because I think you deserved it."
His heart was heavy and his mind weighed down, but he managed another smile for her. "You're probably right."
"I usually am."
"See, that's another reason you have to stay…why only have one mother around when I can have two," he remarked.
"Don't suck up to me now," Johanna remarked as she rose from the foot of the bed and walked around to the side, placing her computer on the nightstand as she pulled back the covers. "I know where I stand."
"And where do you think that is?"
"I don't think I have to tell you that, Rick; I think you know."
"I don't have a low opinion of you."
She smiled as she turned to face him. "See, you knew. It's okay though, you don't need to feel badly about having a low opinion of me, plenty of people have before and they will again. I can take it as long as it isn't my husband."
"And your daughter?"
"I allow Katie to have wiggle room."
"That's good of you."
"I'm not such an unreasonable person," she replied.
"Are you sure about that?"
"Very."
"I don't think lowly of you, Johanna," Castle said once again; "And like I said before, you're welcome here, you're safe here. You're among friends."
"I appreciate your hospitality; although I do hate to impose," she replied as she moved to her overnight bag and took out her nightgown and robe. "Can we be done now? I want to get ready for bed."
"I feel like you now have a low opinion of me," he remarked as he remained in the room.
She smiled and gave a shake of her head. "That's not true at all, Rick. My opinion of you hasn't changed. I won't object at the wedding, I swear. I also won't wear black."
"I appreciate that…even though there's no wedding."
"I don't rule out the future possibility of one," she remarked as she moved to the door of the bathroom that was attached to the guest room. "Goodnight, Rick."
He frowned as she slipped inside the bathroom and locked the door behind her. He was sure that her opinion of him had changed and he'd have to find a way to fix that…along with fixing things with Kate. A heavy breath crossed his lips as he left the guest room and closed the door behind him. He knew that the conversation with Kate wouldn't be easy…and he didn't have a clue how to make Johanna comfortable with his presence again. When he screwed up, he never did it halfway…he always had to go above and beyond. Lucky him, he thought sarcastically. He couldn't wait until this was all over and there could be peace…for all of them.