Chapter one: Saffronsim
"Jell-O shots at twelve pm? You naughty, naughty girl Georgia."
"These are just regular Jell-O cups dear. Gregory gives me his because he thinks they're trying to medicate him through it. He 'won't take no pill like no goddamn dog with worms,' is what he says, that's right."
"A man has the right to take his worm medication the way he pleases, this is America is it not?" I nod along with Georgia, as I'm very up to date on laws and such lawyerings on Worm Law in America. "I won't stand for it, Georgia. He can't keep getting away with it."
"Who is 'he' dear? I say, that's what's wrong with this country, as well as -"
"Morning, Georgia, how's the leg?" Nurse Roberta barrels over the elderly woman's rant whilst I'm busy ogling the last person I expect to be following into the room behind her, who looks relieved as all cheese once he immediately notices little old me sitting upright in the cot. "Oh thank god, Donna never would have forgiven me If you had permanently damaged your face."
I'm busy eye-ing the hand he suddenly placed on my apparently fancily clad shoulder, literal batman looks concernedly over at Nurse Roberta, before glancing back at me with a raised brow. Alright are these the good good drugs or am I envisioning Harvey Specter at my bedside right now? He speaks again and it makes me realize I should probably start paying attention to what he is saying right now. "What? You're not actually upset with me right now, are you?"
"Must be quite a shock. An obvious abuse of power, I'll say. He was clearly trying to murder the poor girl, and then he has the gall bladder to blame it on her! Have you no shame?"
And suddenly all the puzzle pieces slotted into place before my very eyes, thanks to Georgia's rattling. "I ran into your car? I've only run into-several cars in my life Mr. Spector, but that was certainly the second most expensive I think. It was like getting hit by Shaq O'neal, but in vehicular form. Shaq O'wheel, if you will."
"Nurse? Please don't tell me that that hit to the head was enough to scramble her brains. The kids will be devastated."
Motherhood? I'm floored, Jell-O bits drip from my opened mouth onto my new suit I apparently purchased at some point, I'm that surprised. I look back down at the aforementioned suit because hey, I hadn't been wearing one when I got hit by that car- Mr. Specter's car, this morning. I grabbed a grey lapel of my suit jacket, it feels smooth, very nice quality and my blouse is bright orange! Ohh, it feels silky. It probably even has a tag I can't rip off!
"We upped her pain medication a few minutes ago, she will be fine to sign out in an hour or two once it's gotten more out of her system."
"When have I been fine?" I give a 'get a load of this guy' look to Georgia across the room, that goes wholly unappreciated. "I feel like I have a giant worm for my brain."
"See? The poor dear is practically shouting for help from the rooftops."
"Yeah, why don't you go crunch on some medication granny and give us a moment?" Harvey pulled her curtain shut after that devastating sentence and I clapped my hands over my mouth. "And thank you, Nurse Roberta. Also I feel somewhat inclined to mention I wasn't trying to murder her."
"Funny, that's what the last guy said." I nod, because that was true, the last guy did say he wasn't trying to murder me, but that wsa before he reached for the scalpel and held me hostage. Harvey lightly grabbed my arms and pulled my hands from my face as Nurse Roberta straight up left me with this demonic premonition, despite my scalpel guy trauma.
"So, since when did you start existing and stuff?" I decide to follow the guiding hand on my shoulder curiously, because unless this fake dude has gone completely bonkers, I'm completely bonkers so who cares. I immediately sunk into a wall of pillows and I sighed. "I love pillows. I wish I had an entire room, just full of 'em."
"I'll run the pillow room idea by Jessica." I blink up at his smirk, confused, once again, by its very existence in front of my sore face right now.
"Stop."
"Stop? Stop what? I'm not doing anything." He has the audacity to sound as amused as he looks, with his hands all tucked real studiously like in his fancy suit pockets.
"Smirking all smirkingly like, like you're real. It's disgusting."
He huffs at my statement, apparently winded just from standing there. I don't know, quite frankly I am not a huff expert.
Georgia reminds us of her presence grandly from behind the curtain. "Quite. Now why don't you do us all a favor and take a nosedive from the roof sonny!"
"Georgia! Don't listen to her. You seem pretty cool, even though you hit me with your car and you don't actually exist and stuff." He appears touched by my hopefully convincing enough words, smiling down at me winningly. And he seems to be taking the news that he doesn't actually exist well. Good for him.
"Oh, you don't need to worry about me, in fact, don't worry about anything. I'll be back to sign you out in an hour. Think you can manage to not have your life threatened in between that time?"
"Probably, if you're leaving."
Not having my life threatened is a lot easier than I had thought it would be. For some reason Nurse Roberta guided me to a different room in the middle of Georgia's nap. This new room was fancy, and not to mention boring, which is how I've found myself wandering the halls looking for the loo and entertainment for the rest of eternity or something.
"Washing Jell-O off my shirt, washing Jell-O off my dirty shirty," The woman washing her hands next to me in the bathroom burst out laughing, and I couldn't help but join her because she has one of those infectious laughs, despite the fact I don't really understand what we're laughing about.
"Oh they have you hooked up good girl. What are you in for?"
"I got hit by an apparently real lawyer's car, and then my brain turned into a worm." A moment of doubt washed over her, and I watched the entire process of this woman considering if I am actually just a girl with a worm for a brain. "Can you help me get some help getting this jell-O off? You're dressed, really fancy right now. Do you have fancy clothes tricks?" I'm trying not to be overwhelmed at the sheer number of fancily dressed people I've been seeing lately, myself included.
"Actually, I do, now that you mention it," She looks oddly familiar, now that I think about it, but I just can't say what it is. She sets her fancy purse down and pulls out what looks like wet wipes.
"I'm more of a backpack person myself. I don't know where I put that thing.." She starts dabbing on the material of my blouse like a true pro. "I aspire one day to be as dope as you, helping women in crisis in the bathroom. Thanks. You smell great."
"Thank you. You smell pretty good yourself, for somebody who was just hit by a car. By a real lawyer, you said? Tough break."
"Yeah, like, the best one. If he's actually real, like really really exists, you know?" She nods so she must know, and it's relieving knowing I'm not the only one who knows. "He said he's going to come back to sign me out, so we're good if he still exists."
"What? The lawyer that hit you with his car is going to sign you out of this hospital?"
"Are we still speaking the same language?" I'm absolutely awed as she leans back and I can properly appreciate her handy work. "Wow, that's just- wow. You really are the best dress-shirt-saver. You saved me."
"No, I haven't, not yet." The woman tosses the wipes into her purse and snatches it up. "You aren't going to do a goddamn thing for that lawyer, certainly nothing like signing out. We are going to your room, and we are going to call your immediate family as that's what should have been done the moment you were signed into this hospital, and you let me handle that sleaze lawyer of yours."
"You're really good at saying a lot of words really fast." Lightly grabbing my upper arm and guiding me out of the restroom, the woman keeps talking and I try my best to at least pretend I understand at least half of it.
"That is what they pay me for. And the Harvard law degree doesn't hurt. What room are you in? Who is your Doctor?"
"Nurse Roberta." I sound the words out and they fit quite nicely. "Changed my room, I presume, because Georgia snores and she was being kind."
And next thing I know we are back in my new boring, stuffy hospital room and my new lawyer is stewing like a stewing old cup of stew.
"Saffron! Have you been here this whole time? And who are you?" I nod, not having paid attention to a single word she said.
"Tell me, Nurse Roberta I assume, what you meant by 'this whole time'?"
"I'm sorry, again, who are you? Saffron, do you know this woman?" It's like ping-pong but with words. Ugh, I love confident conversations between women.
"My name Is Allison Holt and I am her temporary advocacy lawyer. And what I want to know is who let this clearly inebriated woman to wander unattended at risk of not only herself but every other patient in this hospital. Last time I checked, patient negligence isn't in your official mission statement. " Roberta exits left stage after some more fancy words are exchanged and I am in awe.
"Oh, you're good at Worm Law. Roberta looked pretty upset though. I wish I had a Jell-O cup I could offer her, but I split the last one all over myself like a buffoon."
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Saffron. The only buffoon here is you, Allison Holt. I knew you liked to play dirty but swooping in to steal our associates from out of the blue, and while they're at their most vulnerable? I can't tell if you're just insane or that desperate." Well, apparently that dude does still in fact exist. What am I to do with this information?
"Unbeliev- actually, I'm not going to finish that statement, because then I would be lying. I should have known you had something to do with this Harvey Specter. And honestly, some small part of me must have. Pearson-Hardman has a strict punishment regime in line for its associates, it seems."
"That is a completely unfounded accusation, seeing as this was a one time, unfortunate accident."
"What a clinical way to phrase nearly killing one of your own associates, what, on only the second week of the job? I didn't realize Harvard was also adept at training its graduates to survive automobile accidents. I'll be sure to reassess our reference piles. Saffron, if you ever, I don't know, find yourself under Mr. Specters car again, Do give me a call?" And sashay away. What a way to make a first impression.
"She's so cool." Even her card is cool and fancy, and I tuck it into my bra under my now jell-llo-less cool orange shirt, seeing as I have currently misplaced my backpack and shoes.
"That isn't exactly the way I would describe her." And gone is the smirk, the apparently continuing to exist Harvey Specter is in serious face mode. "How do you feel? And how the hell have you already managed to get Allison Holt sniffing all up in your business? It's only your second week Saffron and I haven't had a single moment to gasp for air because of you, let alone deal with my own shit. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're actually starting to become a liability for not only me at this point, but the entire firm itself. And don't even get me started on how you have thoroughly compromised me in just about every way."
"I just wanted to De-Jell-llo my shirt." I hold my hands up, let them do the talking for me, because I honestly have no idea what this guy is going on about. "I think it's my shirt. It is orange and cool."
"Considering you were wearing it when you rammed your face into my car this morning, yeah, I'd say it's safe to say it's your, unfortunately orange, shirt. And come on, walk and talk, we are getting you out of here before you almost pull us into anymore suits. I won't stand for a lawsuit before I've even finished my second cup of coffee, Saffron, I won't."
"Where are we going?" And more importantly. "Where is my backpack?"
"We are going to the firm, so that there can be eyes on you at all times, because you are clearly even more a danger to yourself on drugs then you are sober. And your precious rag that could be mistaken as a backpack is in the trunk, where it will remain until I'm sure your bad taste isn't due to the mild concussion."
I am perplexed. "Why do you care Mr. Apparently-Real-Harvard-Lawyer? I like my backpack."
"Because a) I'm your boss, and oh yeah, b) I'm still your boss. Plus, there is a gaping hole in the back of it."
"You're a pretty smart guy Harvey. Pretty-smart, get it? I'm complimenting not only your appearance, but also your intellect, to distract you from my lack of knowledge on the situation."
"If you don't shut up right now Saffron you are really going to regret it. If you keep making me blush Jessica will start to get suspicious."
"Suspicious that you hit me with your card? I can keep it on the hush hush buddy. No sweat." The nurse at the desk is already giving us the most strange look. Harvey sighs so I assume that means he wants me to take over. "Hello. I'll take your finest sign out, please."
"Free at last. Free at last." I suck in a nice, refreshing gulp of New York(?) garbage air. I'm not really sure how the once imaginary Harvey Specter suddenly became my emergency contact however. Or how I got to New York(?). Or how any of this is happening, really. "What now?"
"Now, we get inside the car. And let's leave out the leaps of faith this time, alright?"
"Leather seats, this guy is legit." Though I am also not a leather expert, so my inspection is merely for show as I pat the seats. "I'm a complete fraud."
"You got that right." The door closing shut behind us oddly felt like sealing my fate, like the sealing shut of a zip-lock bag. You know what this means right, Saffron? You Have Actually Lost Your Mind. And now you are stuck in a metaphorical zip-lock bag.
"-so, so sorry Saffron. Are you alright? Harvey said you were fine but I just had to hear it myself."
"As far as I'm concerned about you hitting me with Harvey's car and stuff, water under the bridge Raymond." I wave away the guy's blatant concern easily. Hey, he already doesn't actually exist and I'm probably dead, who am I to pile more onto his plate by explaining that to him? "I run into cars often. Though they usually are real cars and not fake ones."
"Really now. While I just can't wait to go further into all of that on a later date, right now we're going to play The Quiet Game. Have you heard of that one? Great. Jessica, yes I've got her, yes, you were right, the vultures were swooping. Yeah, I know. Allison Holt. I know. Is there a point to that statement? Yeah, alright. Goodbye."
"And? What judgement is to be made? Is my head to be severed at dawn in sacrifice to the Laweryly gods for scratching the bat mobile?" Well I had a good run and it was certainly educational while it lasted. About an hour?
"No sacrifices are scheduled on the upcoming agenda, no." Harvey pockets his phone, and I scoot further on the maybe authentic leather seat towards the door, peering out the glass. So, I'm definitely somehow in New York right now. Huh.. "Why are you chanting New York? Jesus, you are about to make this the worst day of my life aren't you?"
"That depends, are you a generally happy person Harvey?" I think, really think about it for him, of the bits and pieces of season one and two that I somewhat remember paying attention to. "I honestly don't know man, sorry, fresh out of answers."
"I would say I'm a generally happy person, sure." He looks smug, as if he is definitely just placating the drugged up-associate he just hit with his car. Because I apparently work for him? Now that I think about it, I have no recollection of that ever happening, like ever. And I'm pretty sure I would know if something like that happened. I lean back in my seat.
"You're not some kind of like, pervert, are you? Because, I honestly thought you were gay. For-For Mike?"
Raymond bursts out laughing as if comedy night central was on, I don't know, I've never seen the program before, I don't know if it is funny or not. "What's so funny? I love laughing, tell me."
"What's funny is your constantly appalling fashion sense. I couldn't miss you in the dark if I was blind Saffron. What, afraid to get tagged down in the middle of court? I don't think it's currently hunting season, so you're probably safe to cool it with the reflective vests."
I look down at my fancy, silk bright orange blouse. I love this shirt I've only just somehow acquired earlier. I look like a boss, in the matching grey suit pants and blazer and orange socks because I don't have any shoes, because then I wouldn't be able to stand apparently. All I can manage to say is. "I look like a girl, in a pretty cool orange shirt, with a worm."
"A worm? What the hell are you talking about? And if your looped up ass is about to pull a worm out of one of your pockets you can kiss this job goodbye. You get that? Good-Bye. I have to draw the line somewhere."
"If there was a worm store at the hospital I would have been there Harvey. Trust me." Men. I eyed the outdoors as we came to a slow in traffic. This is my dream-death-thing right? What's stopping me from..
"Good call on the child lock Ray. I owe you one."
"Don't worry about it Harvey."
"Release me Raymond. I have things to do." I sigh, tilting my head against the glass, all dramatic like.
"Yeah. Like your job. Which you're lucky to still have at this point."
"I'm a grown woman Harvey, I have to go to do some grown woman things outside."
"And pray tell, what do these grown woman things outside entail?"
"Buying a famous New York hotdog." This guy really likes hotdogs right? I remember seeing something like that on the show once. Wait. Was that just because of the him liking hotdogs thing? Has he been trying to tell us this entire time? "Wait. I've never thought of that before. That's genius."
"I wouldn't call it genius, but it's certainly getting there. Alright Ray, you heard the woman you just hit with my car, she wants a famous New York hotdog."
"Because I've never been to New York before." Honestly? Underwhelmed. "Cities are cities."
"That is true, cities are in fact cities. Are all of your insights going to be this earth-shattering today?... You've been living in New York for what, a month now? I suppose I can see how you still feel somewhat like a tourist."
I wasn't born yesterday, thanks, so I don't respond to that. Eyes on all sides of my head, or that other thing people also say. But I do end up saying. "So.. how's Lois?"
"Who is lois? Did you mean Louis? Because if so, I have to ask why you're asking about him right now on principle alone."
Because I am-have- probably- definitely lost my mind? And he's just the first fictional name that popped up into my head? "No reason, no reason. At all. Did they give me more pain meds?"
"Yes, they did. Why? Do you need some more? Because honestly, you seem to be on the verge of overdosing to me."
"No, keep them, crush 'em, turn them into dust. I don't care. I feel discombobulated."
"Yeah, you very well might be," He looks more amused than indifferently pissed now, which must be seen as an improvement somewhere. "Are you sure? These are some pretty strong prescription meds."
"Yeah, okay, Doctor Harvey. I don't want your miracle pill. Stop tempting me, that's gotta' be breaking some ethical code."
"You won't be saying that in a few hours if that huge ass bruise on your face is anything to go by but fine, whatever, you junky, I'll respect your wishes. God, is this all you associates do? Whine about drugs and ethical codes of conduct. You know what Jessica would have done if I ever whined? No, you know what, I'll spare you the trauma of that for today, because I can be gracious like that on occasion. Come on, out you get. We'll walk back from here, thanks Ray. Try not to hit any of my other associates on your way out."
"Will do Harvey. And please, Stay Off The Road, Saffron."
I consider that very helpful tidbit of information as Harvey suddenly passes me a hot dog. "Yeah. I should probably do that."
"Do what? Thanks." He bought himself a hotdog too. You know, if somebody told me I'd be eating a hot dog at a random corner on a random street in New York with a fictional lawyer, I probably wouldn't have believed them.
"Stay Off The Road. You know it's like at this point, every car I get hit by I'm like, is this the one? Is this the last car I'll ever be hit by? And I get sad by that fact."
He takes a large bite of his hot dog, seriously considering my words. "Remind me of what you did before you worked for me?"
"Please." Brilliance can strike even in the darkest of moments. Thank you How I Met Your Mother. None of this is real anyway. I shouldn't have to explain to everybody that I'm actually dead and I really have no idea what's happening. But this hot dog is pretty good.
"I'm sorry? What was that?"
"What was what?" I put on my best innocence smile.
"Oh, very cute. You think you're just so clever don't you, Saffron? Well you may think you're sly now but you haven't even left the ball pit yet honey. Your life is currently a gamble, that I practically hold in the palm of my hand, need I remind you. So I really don't advise keeping secrets from me, especially now that we're, you know, immensely enjoying each others company. I eventually find out about everything anyway, you know."
Not even sure where I can even begin with all that, I decide to go with the safest approach to the situation. "You are really ruining this hot dog for me right now." I promptly spin to enjoy the surrounding scenery that is New York apparently to avoid watching him weigh his half eaten hotdog in his hand for it is clearly symbolism for his grasp on my life now apparently. Honestly? This fictional lawyer man has done nothing but spew absolute crazy since I met him so I'm taking what he says with a grain of salt.
Maybe I am dead. Correction, I most definitely died and this is some weird, comatose brain thing. Where I can still do drugs and eat hotdogs and… be a lawyer? I wonder what philosopher got it right about the afterlife. Does this mean I should become my own philosopher, seeing as this must be my own personal purgatory or something?
Saffronism. To always help a girl in need, in and out of restrooms, using the Worm Law. "What do you think hot dog?"
"Somehow I keep thinking you can't possibly surprise me with what you're about to say next, and yet I'm nearly wrong every time. Do me a favor and no chit chat as we go directly to my office. Directly. Donna probably has some crayons to distract you with, or something along those lines."
"I am capable." I meant to say more than that but my confidence seems to have appeased him so I decide to leave it at that and let him drag me up the street. Thankfully I look almost like I'm supposed to fit in here with these clothes I never bought, thankfully without jell-O stains on my somehow dope blouse. Maybe I took over an alternate dimension me me's life? A much cooler, fancily dressed lawyer me me. "Sorry."
"What could you possibly be apologizing for right now?"
"You wouldn't understand, because you like basketball." I don't know what I even meant by that, I was just trying to distract him from my deathness and existential crisis-ing. "And basketball, things."
"I'm not going to bother trying to figure out what you mean by that." And he's holding open a very tall glass door for me. "Well?"
"How chivalrous of you. I might faint."
"Remember that no talking thing I mentioned? And please don't faint, I'm this much of a gentleman to every woman I hit with my car. Now give me back your shoes."
"Why?"
"Because I said so, that's why."
"Alright but I don't think you'll be able to pull these bad boys off as well as me. They aren't your size. Woah- Wait, is that a revolving door?! Can I-"
"No. You can't. And Saffron? Shut. Up."
The elevator is as fancy as I expect, and I'm sure to keep my hands to myself once I notice the numbers illuminated on the panel. "Thirteenth floor? That is a red flag."
"What? Don't tell me you believe in all of that superstitious crap. I'll have you know, that floor is currently under construction, for non-demonic-sacrificial reasons."
"Of course it's under construction. Don't you see? That's how they bury your body in the cement Harvey."
Looking distinctly uncomfortable at the completely logical picture I had just painted for him, Harvey shakes his head, along with his common sense, apparently. "That's ridiculous."
I don't feel the need to say anything in response, the next stretch of silence in this fancy elevator is telling enough for the both of us I think. I'll have to keep an eye open here. Both eyes, even.
"No, Saffron. I don't think anybody at Pearson-Hardman wants to murder anyone, let alone me."
The door's ping open, and Louis is there to greet us both with a wide smile. "Ah. Best meat. You've finally arrived."
"I may have spoken too soon. Louis, what the actual hell? What? Why are you still grinning at me like that, what do you want? Unlike you we have work to do other than prowling around scaring small children."
"Oh, so we're all just supposed to ignore the fact that you just mowed down this woman with your car? Okay, I see how it is Harvey. I see how you roll. You know, Saffron, I would never, I can swear to you on this, I would never hit you with my car."
It takes a minute for my brain to do its brain stuff. "Thank you Louis, I can appreciate the fact that you wouldn't hit me with your car. There aren't a lot of people in my life that can say that."
"This is just sad Harvey. Sad. And you are always welcome, Saffron."
"The only sad thing here is your hairline Louis. Was there something else you needed outside of verbally harassing me and my injured associates? Or were you just distracted staring at your reflection in the elevator doors?"
"Oh no, nothing really at all, oh wait, but there is that thing where, seeing as I have full control over all of the associates, Saffron here isn't just 'your injured associate,' is she? I wouldn't be surprised if Jessica would rearrange a few things here and there if certain concerns arose…"
Harvey pulls a surprised face before smirking. "Oh, you're still talking to me? I stopped paying attention after you said 'Oh no, nothing.'"
"I'm sure Jessica will let you know what she decides Harvey. Because she wants to speak with you right away in her office. Saffron. Glad to see Harvey didn't break our finest associate in running yet."
"And she sashay away."
Harvey snorts and smiles conspiratorially, which makes me glad I said it out loud this time once Louis had vanished. I then continued following him blindly to the fancy pot of gold that is a real life Donna Paulson. "Woah."
"Woah is right, Saffron, woah. You didn't tell me it was this bad. Harvey." And she looks pissed. Sweet.
"I may have stretched the truth a little so you wouldn't freak out, like you're doing right now. Look, she's fine, in one whole, slightly bruised, piece. Isn't that right Saffron?"
I nod. "One, whole, totally not dead me, Saffron. Here. Who is for sure alive right now and not imagining all of this."
"Oh my god you broke her beautiful brain. And why isn't she wearing any shoes. Harvey, why are you holding her shoes? You've never held any of my shoes for me-(Gasp.) No. You didn't- you bastard. Well that at least explains what you were even doing outside of her apartment this morning in the first place!"
"I have no idea what you're talking about Donna, and that was extremely rude of you. You're fired."
"Harvey. You have got to be kidding me. What are you doing? Actually? Are you trying to run this firm into the ground, one troubled, unreasonably attractive associate at a time?" I added the unreasonably attractive part myself.
"Don't you look at me like that, I know how bad this looks, but it's not like that, really. I'll explain everything to you later. And her beautiful brain is just fine, thank you. It's only a Mild Concussion they said… Mild." Donna was silently staring as she rounded her desk outside of Harvey's office. I glanced around our immediate area to give the lovely couple some privacy, fighting the violent urge to touch every surface everywhere. God. I love windows. "Okay. I know, I know, But she really is going to be fine. Well, she's probably really going to be fine. Because you'll never guess who she managed to conveniently 'run' into at the hospital, Allison Holt."
"Oh that sneaky bitch. This is Not Good Harvey." I can somewhat see the parallel I guess between Donna and Harvey, Sherlock and Holmes. Wait, wouldn't Mike be John and not Donna? But Donna is certainly more than a Ms. Hudson, no offense to the wonderful lady of course. Mycroft? Wait, does this mean Mycroft and Sherlock have smooched? "Earth to Saffron? How do you feel? Not as brain dead as you look hopefully?"
"What? I feel fine." For a dead girl, at least. "Your hair looks super great lady."
"Right back at you, surprisingly. Saffron, why don't you follow me into Harvey's office and have a seat? You don't mind Harvey? No, of course you don't, because this entire mess is all your fault."
"No, please, help yourself. And how exactly is this all my fault? I can't stop Saffron every time she decides to go frolicking off into oncoming traffic, because despite what she says, I'm not actually Batman!"
"You know what I mean."
"Yeah, I do, but that doesn't mean I have to like it now do I? Now, I have to go speak with Jessica. Donna, please distract her. You, be successfully distracted, and don't touch anything."
"I love touching every single one of his records." Naturally the moment he had vanished we both gravitated towards The Untouchables with innocent little smiles. "I should draw a worm on this one. It's clearly missing one."
"You know, you were already strange Saffron, but you're even stranger on drugs. I can understand why you asked Harvey to flush the rest of them."
I crouch down to get at the goods, because obviously his favorite records would be on the bottom shelf, so that only the brave, such as myself being that I'm dead, would dare. "I've turned into a big dead monster fraud-fraudulent person in one day. The last thing I need right now is a crippling drug addiction."
"Maybe let's not broadcast that quite so loudly, but I can respect your decision to not have a crippling drug addiction. Alright, alright, now sit." I pat the couch I'm guided to sit on, not bothering to completely inspect it this time. I must accept the simple fact that I know nothing about the proper regulations for seating inspections. "Stay."
"I really don't understand?" I feel like now is a good time to be honest as any. "What am I supposed to be doing here Donna? Philosophically speaking."
"You are supposed to be sitting and… staying put, but just physically speaking will do it for now. Tell me, what was the deal with Allison Holt? I'm not even going to ask about Harvey. For now. Consider it your get well gift. So?"
"What?"
"The woman at the hospital Saffron, the lawyer."
Oh, that lady. "She cleaned the Jell-O off my shirt and promptly decided she was to be my Lawyer. She was talking pretty fast. She definitely has my vote."
"Yeah, well she's competition who isn't afraid to hit below the belt clearly so you keep your inappropriate fangirling to yourself. There will be no pro voting of any kind, do you understand me missy?"
"You're inappropriate fangirling."
"What's that I hear? Who are you two inappropriately fangirling about? It's me, isn't it?"
I can't hold the praise back as I realize who just walked into the room next to Harvey. "I just want to say, woah."
"Yeah, that 'woah' was definitely aimed for Jessica, not you, Harvey, so stop grinning, it's upsetting my stomach. Now can I leave her alone with you two? Some of us have work to do other than covering up Harvey's crimes."
Harvey spun slightly to watch Donna's power march out of his office. "Ouch. I said I was sorry, didn't I?"
Jessica sighs and It's cool. "No, actually, you haven't. Which is why I'm here, to witness it. Sooner rather than later would be preferred."
Harvey looks like a fish as he blinks. "What? Jessica, you can't be serious? What is this, the fourth grade? Fine, I'm sorry Saffron."
"Harvey."
"Okay. You want a better one? I'm sorry my chauffeur hit you with my car Saffron, after you ran in front of us on the street! What? You know I'm right."
"Apology accepted."
Jessica doesn't seem to appreciate my sentiment however. You just can't please people sometimes.
"See? Water under the bridge, and those are her words, not mine. I bought the woman a goddamn hotdog for christ's sake!" I nod at his wild hand gesture, because he did in fact purchase me a hotdog.
"Oh, a hot dog? You should have led with that, because now that changes everything. Saffron? I'm going to need you to give us a minute. Why don't you go ask Donna about your shoes?"
I'm out the door before Jessica can even finish her sentence. As if I would ignore an order from the one and only girl boss. I pat my hands on Donna's smooth desktop with a grin and she sighs with a slight smile. "Hey. Donna. Got shoes?"
"I keep three spare sets of heels in the office at all times. Since you're only a newbie associate, I'll recommend having only two for yourself going forward in the future, for now. One pair simply won't do at this volatile stage in your career." I'm nodding, soaking up this woman's wisdom. I nearly cry as she reveals my shoes from underneath somewhere in her desk.
"I'll never forget this."
"Oh, I won't let you, but I'm sure you'll eventually wish you could. Men. I can't believe he really confiscated your shoes from you."
"And my backpack. But to be fair, my brain had been a worm at the time."
"He lasted a lot longer on the backpack issue than I thought he would. I should have known something was off because of that actually. Now let's get you back to Harvey's office, hm? And you can tell me all about this brain worm."
We don't manage to make it as a familiar face appears to accost my forearms. "Saffron! Are you alright?! Is it true- did Harvey hit you with his car and drive off?"
"What? Who the hell said that? Harvey did not drive off. Nobody did any driving off." Although Donna still looks back at me, a little bit wide eyed along with Rachel who looks like she was holding her breath and nearly on the verge of tears. Holy shit, it's the queen. "He didn't drive off right?"
Considering I hardly remember the period of time between getting myself run over by a fictional lawyer and then getting to the hospital. "Yeah, right. Sure."
"You don't sound very sure."
"Well Rachel- your highness- I was a bit preoccupied at the time being run over and stuff. I am just going to assume it was his manly shrieking for an ambulance in my ear." So, everyone is just existing at this point. Rachel, Donna Louis, Jessica- just the whole freaking lot. Great. I'm not just regular old crazy now, I'm super duper crazy. How long will it be until these fake people realize it? "I need to go use the restroom. Bye."
"Oh alright! I can go with you."
"No, I need to go by myself, to reassess my trauma in a quiet, safe, secluded, alone space. By myself. Alone." And as dictated by Worm Law, neither of them followed me as I turned and walked blindly down the hall with confidence. Booshyah, success.
"Saffron! Just the woman I've been thinking about. For obvious reasons, of course. Sorry for my flagrancy, my purpose here is not to pour salt on fresh wounds, no, quite the opposite actually. Please, step inside my office. Let's have a conversation."
It looks exactly like it did on the show from what I remember and I smile broadly as I step into Real Louis's Real office and stand in front of his Real desk. This is a Really weird day. "I like your photographs."
"Oh? You do? Thank you, that's very kind of you to say. You know, I've always admired your unshakeable, and so far, dramatically unmatched attitude, Saffron. You never let anything get to you, and apparently, not even an automobile can slow you down, because here you are, still working away as diligent as always. It's impressive. I am impressed. Are you ready to get back to work then? I'm prepared to take you under my wing Saffron, just say the word and we can Litt this bitch up baby. Do you see what I did there? I replaced the word light with- you get it. Because you get me. You're exactly the type of person I need on my team Saffron. An Ace. Harvey doesn't need two, though, Mike can hardly compare to you, can he?"
I open my mouth, not really sure what I can possibly say to all that when he holds up his hand with a rueful shake of his head. "And hey," I can only stare as he pulls open the top drawer of his desk and stands, suddenly holding up a bright orange tie with a victorious, inviting grin. "What do you say? We could make a pretty smart team."
I am seriously considering this unexpected proposal, even though I don't know if he's proposing marriage to me or what right now. "Oh, you're good."
"-Saffron, there you are! Are you alright? Jesus- your face uh- looks completely fine- What I mean is- Are you alright? I heard about what happened from Harold- I managed to get him to stop crying but we should really check up on him soon so I can prove Harvey didn't actually murder you. Did he really run you over twice and then drive off?"
"Micheal. How plebian of you to just storm in here to spread gossip. Get out."
"Oh, hey Louis, sorry, I didn't see you there."
"Oh, but didn't you Micheal? But I see you have conveniently seen Saffron talking to herself in my office then? Right as I am generously offering this terrified young woman a chance to work without the constant threat of losing her life hung over her head like the looming shadow of the grim reaper. So yeah, why don't you go run off and think about the opportunity you almost took away from her, Micheal?"
"Stop calling me Micheal. And actually, I really came in here to tell Saffron that Donna is asking for her, immediately and… intensely, and the last thing I want to do is upset Donna, especially on today of all days."
Louis takes a moment to ponder his words, sitting back down in his chair contemplatively. "Today has already gotten off to an unusually stressful start. Donna's brow has been unnaturally crinkled for at least an hour at this point. Not that I'm blaming you or anything Saffron, but the facts are the facts. Alright, you win this round Micheal, take her away from me, but make no mistake, I will win the war Micheal. And Saffron? This tie will stay safely tucked away in this drawer, longingly awaiting for your carefully considered response. Always waiting."
"Cool." I smile and allow Micheal to hastily push me out of the man's office and down the hall in a random direction. "Micheal. Thanks. I don't know what I would have done if he had put the tie on."
"Do you know the number of people who are allowed to call me Micheal, Saffron? Zero. There is not a single person on this planet who has permission. Do you get that? And you're welcome." A pause, where he releases my shoulders to walk at my side while wiping his hands on the pants of his suit. "Okay, is it just me or are you kind of sweaty right now?"
"No, I'm sweating a lot right now. It must be because I am a huge dead fraud or something." I took my blazer off in the elevator, as the floor that shall not be named was the beginning of my downward spiral.
Micheal pulls me to the side slightly as we keep walking suddenly, glancing around as if he's as important as James Bond. "I'm sorry I forgot my bullhorn at home, in case you wanted to declare that little factoid to the entire office any louder? I'm starting to believe that that massive bruise on your forehead is something a little more than superficial."
"You'd have believed correctly then." I have no idea where we are walking to right now and rando's we pass are glancing at us and smiling awkwardly, and Mr. Chuckles over here isn't exactly giving me the five star tour I could use right about now. "Say, could we stop by my… cubicle, I need to check up on the… subpoena." That's a word. "And those… files. Yup."
"Why did you say cubical like that? And what subpoena, what files?"
Do not panic, Saffron. "Are you the subpoena police? Why are you all up in my business Micheal?"
Mike comes to an abrupt stop, turning to me with a suspicious gaze, despite his profound analysis on the current state of my forehead earlier. Maybe he just likes to harass the supposedly mildly concussed. "You're acting weird. I mean, weirder than usual, and that's saying something. And you never did answer my question earlier-"
Hurricane Harold turns out to be a literal messenger from the man himself, Jesus Christ. "Oh dear lord thank you god in heaven above! I'm not even religious but I sure have The Faith now! Is it true Harvey ran over you three times and-"
"What-? Three times? What the hell Harold? You told me it was only two?"
"Well-"
"Yeowch. That's one nasty bruise Saffron. So what, are they giving you a completely earned and totally not suspiciously timed raise any time soon because Harvey ran you over four times? Wink wink, nudge nudge, we all know what I'm conspicuously insinuating about."
"Shut up Greg. You know that isn't what Harold meant when he said that- Saffron?"
My eye caught sight of an orange pom pom from over the side of a cubical wall and I took a wild guess as to which fictional cubicle is probably mine in my fictional job in this fictional law firm filled with fictional law peoples who know me somehow. And if some other person comes to claim it, then I can at least make a friend because this pen with an orange pom pom is dope so the owner must be just as dope themselves. I sit and lean back in the chair with a sigh, only to pause and look up, realizing an entire group of people are still staring at me expectantly. "What? Is there something on my face?"
"Come on, what really happened Saffron? Harold has been nonstop crying and he keeps upping the amount of times you apparently got run over."
"That's not true! I stopped crying for, like, five minutes, fifteen minutes ago!"
"Yeah buddy, that is a true fact."
"Sure, I may or may not have run into Harvey's car, and caressed it a little with my face. The rest is history." I roll myself forward closer to the desk, at the scattered papers covering the table top and I blink, picking up the first one distractedly, only to glance back at it again a second later with unmistaken bafflement. Woah, wait a minute, how the hell can I understand this?
"Seriously? That's it? Only you Saffron, literally. Alright guys, you've heard all the gory details from the woman herself, now why don't we give her some space?" Micheal is like my knight-in-rumpled-dress-shirt. The others back off with chortles and bro pats on my back as they pass, apparently used to the specimen that is me and my momentous accomplishments.
"I'm glad you're alright, Saffron. What Louis said really had me freaking out. I'm sorry for saying all those rumors about you, I just didn't know what to think, my thoughts kept spiraling… I think it must be the upcoming mock trial that's gotten me so ruffled."
I have to look away from the papers I'm now easily recognizing as files for a case labeled Nicoles-Mendoza Inc Vs. Erma Dona, for fear of my clearly unstable mind concaving inside of itself. "Thanks Harold. No stress."
Mike inquires with a roll of his eyes. "What exactly did Louis say to get you all ruffled up anyway?"
"He said- more like announced to all of us really, that Harvey sent one of his associates to the ER after running them over with his car and that's it, nothing about their- your condition at all. And since we all know you and Mike are the only ones who personally work for Harvey, and Mike was the only one who had come in to work this morning…"
"Well no need to worry, or cry, anymore Harold, she's perfectly fine, right Saffron?"
"Right-O. What's a meager flesh wound when you're already dead right?" I probably shouldn't elaborate further on that thought so I allow myself to be thoroughly sucked back into this simple paperwork again as Harold scurries off to work probably. How can I actually understand this paperwork right now? Being crazy is weird.
"You're not seriously getting straight back into work right now are you? You were literally hit by a car this morning, and before you say anything, no it doesn't matter who initiated the relationship first." I didn't even realize I had grabbed a yellow highlighter and uncapped it until Mike spoke up again while leaning over my cubicle wall with a weird smile.
Must Distract. "-I need a distraction from the pain… Mikey. Are you going to offer to be that distraction by dancing a little jig or are you going to keep talking about how sweaty I am?"
"I wasn't talking about that at all actually but fine I see how it is. Head trauma makes you grouchy. I'll leave you be, but I'm keeping my eye on you Saffron. I'm directly across from you remember and I'll be watching your every move. Like a hawk. Ca-Caw."
"I will consider you as Mike-the-hawk-vision-guy from now on."
"You're goddamn right you will."
"And just what the hell do you think you're doing right now?" It's only when I'm countless pages into combing through and highlighting specific licensing bylaws and actually understanding them to realize how monumentally fucked I truly am. No wonder Harvey and Louis want all this, I'm a goddamn genius. I'm so freaking smart, I hadn't even realized it until now.
"Um-" Though, not smart enough to understand the constipated expression on Harvey's looming face over my shoulder right now.
"That was a rhetorical question. Donna said you went to the bathroom, alone- and that was over an hour ago. And now I come here to find you doing this? My office, now."
"Harvey-"
"Save it for somebody who cares Mike. And I'm sorry Saffron, but did I suddenly speak in a different language? My office, right now. I shouldn't have to ask you twice." I send Mike a shrug in response to the indigent look he throws my way as we pass by his cubicle. We barely make it a few brisk steps down the hallway before Harvey is glancing at me once again disapprovingly and I realize I brought the uncapped highlighter along with me and forgot the lid.
"What?"
"You're a real headache Saffron, you know that? I need you to understand the full gravity of that statement."
"Consider me Newton."
"Shut up." And there are those pearly whites, even if he is rolling his eyes.
"I'm glad to see you took our conversation to heart Harvey. Saffron, tell me you're feeling better than you currently look." We both turn and Jessica is smirking in her approach. Cool.
"I've never felt better. Great, even." My smile must wobble because Jessica frowns and Harvey sighs, more like heaves his lungs out onto the carpet for a bit of light redecorating. "Really. I am in my prime."
"Really now? Well that's just Wonderful. So you wouldn't mind talking with me inside of my office for a moment right now then? Perfect. Follow me."
Harvey whispers to me before fleeing away in a completely manly way. "Remember not to show fear. And don't forget to smile that disarming little smile of yours- that's the one. Go get 'em Tiger."
"Please, have a seat." I do, and Jessica sits next to me on her fancy couch with a light sigh and I smile.
"Nice couch, very couchly."
"Harvey warned me you might still be feeling your pain medication a bit." Jessica smiles though, not seeming upset by that fact at all. Though she is an actor. I am weary. "How's your head feeling? I have to say, it looks.. Well, it looks like you smashed your face into a car."
"Um- Is that grounds for dismissal? It was by accident, I swear. I usually look both ways before I nosedive into the street." Fired on the first fake day. Damn.
"You're not being fired Saffron." I sigh in relief as my Fictional-non-fictional job is secured and Jessica smiles. "Well, let me just get straight to the point of this conversation then. Harvey has since disclosed to me the full extent of your Blossoming Relationship. Now before you completely freak out that brilliant, drugged head of yours, I'm not that upset with you both for hiding it from me, seeing as you too have not let it affect your work that I know as of yet and I can understand where you both were coming from. But let there be no mistake here Saffron, the second either of you start to let your relationship affect your work I'll be all over you two like white on rice and will force you to go your separate ways. You must understand, I have to look out for the best interest of not only the firm, but the partners and associates inside of it as well. As for Daniel Hardman, what he doesn't know won't hurt him." The woman stands and walks away slightly to lean against her desk with a broad smirk as I valiantly try to keep my mouth from falling open. And it's not from awe at my favorite girl boss girl boss-ing me up. "As for now, moving forward, you will both still have to keep this tightly under wraps obviously, as it goes directly against multiple company policies. But considering that's all I seem to be doing with Harvey and you little projects as of late, I figure you're used to it. Now, you can tell me, from one professional woman to another, off the clock… How good is the sex?"
All I can manage is a dumb. "Uh."
Jessica raises her hands up in peace with a coy smile before dropping them back into her desk to lean on. "Alright Fine. Forget I asked. Keep your dirty little secrets- and I recommend you keep them well. If anybody else catches wind of you two fornicating around, you run the risk of people doubting your eventual rise to much success within this firm. Do you understand what I'm saying here, Saffron?"
"I understand what you're saying." I don't understand anything.
"I knew you would see things my way. You know, I will admit, Harvey's attitude has certainly improved with you and Mike around, and now I really know who to thank. Don't tell me I have to worry about Mike being involved with you two as well?"
It takes me a second to catch on to what she's hinting at and I almost laugh. But then I recall Harvey's wise advice, to not show any weakness. I remain stone faced. "Sexually? I don't think so..? Unless Harvey stops being shy and admits he is totally homosexual for Mike. The sparks that fly between those two could start a decent bushel fire." At least on television they could. The reason I stopped watching in the first place was because they hadn't kissed yet. Like we get it already you're both smart and hot just make out already.
"You crack me up, Saffron, you really do. Now get out of my office. Oh, and pass this file off to Harvey right away for me, would you? Thank you. Bushel fire."
I leave the cackling woman behind, somewhat shell shocked as I vacate the premises of her large office with a large yellow folder.
I don't even know where to begin with what just happened just there. Why couldn't I have woken up in Canada, as a park ranger or something? I could totally Worm Law the hell out of some bears.
I guess I should go straight to Harvey's office out of curiosity for that very strange meeting with Jessica and to deliver this mysterious package, that is, if I could find the place. I don't have to wander aimlessly for long.
"Saffron! Are you alright? Have you… assessed your trauma?" Rachel is smiling but still looks concerned as she comes out of what I now realize is her office that I'm passing. "You look like you should go home. Why aren't you at home right now Saffron? This is probably the only vacation day you can actually sneak considering the situation and legal ramifications..."
I let her drag me into her office and glance around as she sits behind her desk.
"I'm good but thank you." I think I'm homeless now. "Speaking of.. We aren't in a sexual relationship are we, Rachel?"
"Why, are you offering?" Rachel laughs, gesturing to one of the chairs in her office and I take a seat because why not. "Donna told me you flushed your medication? Well, gave it away to Harvey. Brave choice considering your face is starting to look like a hockey puck."
"I like to live life on the edge apparently," The edge of Crazy. I gaze at the different pictures on the wall and lean back into the chair with a sigh as Rachel starts to type away at her computer. "This is the weirdest day of my life. I mean, none of you were supposed to exist but here I am. Do I even have a house here Rachel? I don't know where that is."
"Har Har." Rachel pauses when I don't respond, her smiling dropping as she looks over and realizes I am being completely serious. "Wait- Are you being serious right now? It's impossible to tell with you. And that's when you're sober.."
"I don't know, are you?" I really shouldn't bother her with this, what could she do anyway. No offense to Rachel, the Queen.
"What's with the envelope? And why is it stuffed into your pants?" I'm certainly not going to stop her from segwaying away from that line of questioning.
"Jessica gave it to me. It could be anything of varying importance. I can't afford to lose it right now." It only seemed appropriate to shove it into the hem of my fancy pants.
"Too vague. Feel free to expand on that explanation. Also, now is the time you're likely to get away with bloody murder Saffron."
The fake real people in this office contemplate murder a bit too often for my liking. "I currently do not possess a further comment on the subject."
"You're ridiculous." My fake self, the cooler Saffron, must be friends with Rachel, because she doesn't seem very off put by my presence. "How did the Erma case go? I heard from a little puppy that you rocked in court. Sigh. I only wish I had the time to watch you in action, and laugh. A very supportive laugh, surely."
"Right, yeah." Can she smell my sweat? Friend Rachel is suddenly almost as terrifying as a velociraptor. "The old Erms case from.. earlier. Yeah. I totally rocked, and I remember every second of it. Ball? It's not just out of the park, I don't even know where it is, it's that far." I should have looked closer at those papers scattered in my cubicle that I can somehow understand. This is how a religion starts to crumble, poorly prepared conversations with Rachel.
"No need to be so humble." Rachel is quick to reassure me.
"Humble? I'm not humble, I'm great. I am Saffron. I have my own religion. The hotdog agreed."
Rachel assesses me critically. "Why are you being so weird and twitchy? Donna told me you have a mild concussion, but this… Are you messing with me right now?"
"Yes. Exactly that. I so got you."
I am constantly being saved by the fake people in this office just in the nick of time. Well, other than Harvey at least. "Hey Rachel Have- Oh, speak of the devil and she shall appear, there you are Saffron! You, Missy, have been assessing your trauma for far too long clearly. Your face looks awful."
"Thank you Donna." More than she knows. "You really know how to make a woman feel good about herself."
"Do you mind if I steal her from you Rachel?"
"Not at all." Though she still has that considering look on her face as Donna escorts me from her office. This is it. My facade has been seen through. I am so screwed.
"What's that you got there, Saffron?"
"What? What are you talking about?"
Donna gives me some serious side-eye. "The envelope shoved down your pants. Don't tell me Harvey got to you before me."
I exhale a breath. Maybe I'm a little paranoid right now. Rachel set me off my game with all that considerate consideration. "Oh! Right. I almost forgot about the envelope. I guess that's why it's good it's in my pants huh. Not that I forget things, often. Or, at all really. I usually remember everything with full clarity, all the time."
"Okay weirdo. How's the pain level? Regretting any drug-flushing decisions yet?"
"The pain is a nice distraction actually. Mondays, amiright?"
"Saffron, it's Thursday. But I understand the sentiment."
Weird change Universe, but okay. "It's called sarcasm Donna. That's what the kids used to call me back in the day, good ol' Sarcastic Saffron. So dependably, sarcastic. I was- Am."
"Oh, I can tell. Harvey, your 11 o'clock is here." Donna abandons me at the threshold of his office, and I bravely march onward.
"Finally. Took you long enough. What the hell is happening with these rumours? I may as well have parallel parked over your corpse six times at this point."
This is an interesting way to start off this conversation. "Can we both agree that you talking about my corpse like shouldn't happen ever."
"What's got your face so twisted? You'll irritate the bruises. You look ridiculous." He looks up when I don't respond, before rolling his eyes and stepping around his desk in my direction.
I am fumbling at the worst moment! Just ask about the Sexual Relationsip, you foolish worman! Somehow I translate that to. "You allowed my brain to turn into a worm, which is, according to Worm Law, the worst Worm Law law you could ever break ever. So. I'll be holding that over you indefinitely."
"You seem to selectively decide if I was or wasn't driving the car that hit you, that I just so happen to own and be inside of during."
"I wouldn't really know would I, what with the head trauma and such and such."
"And such and such won't hold up for shit in court."
"Raymond, is my first eye witness. Nurse Rebecca, the second. Stern lawyer lady. The guy at the hotdog stand. I have a list, Harvard."
"I'd sure love to see you try and fail spectacularly, just so I can rub my win in your bruised, worm face.. That's right- I went there. Do you need some ice for that burn?" He isn't able to be proud for very long, as I terminate his entire career with my next statement.
"That's what I asked your wife last night when I was done banging her. Up top. C'mon. Don't leave me hanging. What- are you doing? Stop that."
"Stop waving your sweaty hand in my face and just hold still will you?" He licked his thumb and did something that might keep me up awake for the next several nights. He rubbed it aggressively on my cheek with a slight frown on his face before releasing my head from his grasp once he successfully wiped his spit all over my cheek. "You still had highlighter on your cheek."
I'm too busy understanding my current catatonic state to respond as he rolls his eyes towards the ceiling. He's thoroughly bangboogled me. Well played. No- Wrong, not well played at all. This is how pandemic's start people.
"What?" He finally asks.
I recall Jessica's cackling and foreboding message, taking a large, calculated step backwards. "You told Jessica we are in a Sexual relationship?" She shoots!
Harvey smirks at my confusion, apparently interpreting my current expression in some strange way in his strange fake mind. "I had to tell Jessica about us because you didn't exactly leave me any choice, what with you smashing your fat face into the grill of my car. The last thing I need is Jessica thinking I'm seriously abusing my associates. It's not good form. But she knows now, and everything is fine. Well, except your face, but bruises fade.."
I'll show him good form. But in a bad, completely threatening way. He should feel frightened right now, not smirkishly smug. "And you still look upset for some reason- what's the problem?"
"The problem is that we aren't in a Sexual Relationship?" That I know of anyway. Then again, none of these people existed yesterday, so I can't really hold my lack of knowledge against myself. I am, as the kids say, completely winging everything.
"I see you've been practicing your lines. Good job. I almost believed that, and I've actually seen what you're hiding under that disturbing blouse of yours." He waggles his eyebrows and it offends me entirely. If he ever does that again I'll have to shave them off on behalf of every woman ever.
"The only thing disturbing here is your weird- posture! Think about that for a moment." I am not getting paid enough to deal with any of this. Wait. Am I even getting paid at all to experience this dream-death? Damn. Even in death the economy has a firm grasp over me. Society. I feel like standing behind a desk and smacking my hands over the table top seriously. "Society! Harvey!"
There's an interrupting bump and we both turn as Micheal straightens out the chair he just ran into with a lopsided grin. He's laughing. Society, and he's laughing. This kid is nuts. "Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt your passionate, completely accurate shouting Saffron. Please, continue. Just let me grab my front row seat first. Annnd there. Proceed."
"Micheal. Did I say you could enter my office? Saffron, did I say he could enter? I'm pretty sure I would remember saying such a thing." Harvey looks annoyed and it's great, straightening his already erect posture almost unconsciously. I smirk victoriously having clearly won this conversation psychologically and Harvey narrows his eyes at me so I wipe my face clear of all smirking and smile that disarming little smile of mine he apparently knows about.
Mike sinks into his seat dejectedly. "Oh not you too. So I'm guessing you already know about Louis's rather valiant attempt to woo Saffron over to the dark side then? Did you also hear about the tie? How are we not going to talk about the freaking tie right now?"
"Oh, I know all about the tie. And make no mistakes here, if one of us is the dark side Mike, it's me."
"Beep boop. Beep beep."
There's a moment where the two of them look creepily similar, staring all bug eyed and stuff. I almost repeat myself before Harvey speaks up. "Do I dare to ask?"
"I wanted to give a witty quote but I don't know any that's not from the cylindrical robot."
Harvey takes this time to properly acknowledge me after this explanation, and the result of said acknowledgement is. "Saffron. What the hell is in your pants?"
Oh, I almost forgot again. I bring out the yellow envelope from my pants. "Jessica wanted me to give this to you buddy."
"What is it? And what the hell was it doing in your pants?"
"You're a pretty solid guy Harvey. You're always asking the right questions, and only sometimes hit women with your car."
"You're hilarious." He may very well be coming for my crown as sarcasm queen. Harvey snatches the package and pulls out the papers within, before sliding it back inside almost immediately with a roll of his eyes and storing it away in the bottom drawer of his desk. Then he looks at me with narrowed eyes. "Were you going through the licensing bylaws for the Cle-"
"Clementine contract?" I didn't mean to speak up just then. But Harvey looks annoyed at my interruption so I shall consider it a success. "Yeah. And I found a discrepancy. Several. In fact. Cool right?"
"I didn't ask you to look into those files. I haven't even decided whether I want to close them as a client yet." I shrug. I don't even know where the files came from, they had just been sitting on 'my' desk and to be honest with you all, I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing here like, ever. "I hope you don't want a gold star for just doing your job, Saffron. You'll be sorely disappointed."
I take this offer entirely seriously. "I would love a gold star sticker. I could put it in my cubicle on the puter."
Mike suddenly scoffs and stands and I wonder what he has personally against gold star stickers. "Oh come on, you're just going to leave us in suspense? I don't care about stickers right now, no offense Saffron. What did Jessica just give you Harvey?" Wow.
"That is quite frankly none of your business Mike. Speaking of things that aren't any of your business, did you actually need something or are you here for the sole purpose of disrupting our private conversation?"
"I just wanted to make sure you weren't strangling Saffron in here with your fat neck tie. If I didn't know any better, I'd think Saffron was the one who ran you over this morning."
"I think you know by now that I don't exactly coddle people, Micheal."
"Yeah, okay, but there is a big difference between coddling somebody and being an outright dick." Mike rolls his eyes but smiles as I offer him a fist bump. It's protocol when somebody is being dope. Harvey watches the interaction between us balefully as he walks back around his desk.
"Point taken. Now is there anything else you want to preach to me about? Something else in defense of Saffron's maidenly honor perhaps?"
"Nope, that should be it- wait, no, I remember now, there is that thing Louis mentioned…"
"You have got to be kidding me."
The four of us stare through the glass wall at the rearranged mock trial room I recognize from the show. A circle of chairs is displayed in the center of the room and a lot of people are sitting and loitering around/glancing at us indiscreetly.
"An intervention?"
Jessica smiles coyly. "A 'guided conflict resolution session.' Louis came up with the idea and I said he could do it if he could set it all up himself. I have to say I'm impressed with the hustle- it took him under thirty minutes."
Mike adds on, clearly impressed despite himself. "Wow, even I have to admit, Louis has really outdone himself this time. I think at least half of the office is here."
"Saffron, I'm going to need you to pinch me. I must be dreaming right now. How could you do this to me Jessica?" I narrow my eyes, unsure of this unexpected proposition. To pinch or not to pinch, that is the question?
"All of the associates insisted on it as well, Harvey. There wasn't anything I could do, what with them expressing how they don't feel comfortable working in a 'toxic' work environment. Who am I to deny them of a perfectly sound conflict resolution plan that doesn't involve getting anybody fired before noon?"
"Who said anything about firing anyone? Toxic work environment? This was a separate incident that happened six blocks away! Jesus, you supposedly hit one woman with your car and all of a sudden you're toxic!"
I feel the need to point out, so he doesn't feel too bad about himself for hitting me with his car. "I'm pretty sure Micheal Scott has said the exact same thing before."
"Who the hell is Micheal Scott?"
"Wow." I shake my head at his misfortune and then smile as Louis's idea sinks into my head some more. "Company bonding time. Sweet." Maybe I can even meet the infamous Norma! You know… before she perished.
"No, not sweet, this is terribly salty, and a complete waste of time. I wasn't even driving the damn car!"
"And that's what you'll tell them. When it's your turn with The Sharing Stapler- Louis will explain whatever the hell that means I'm sure. Well now that that's settled, shall we?"
"Ladies first." Harvey smiles falsely at the woman as he holds open the door and Jessica smirks as she walks out ahead of us into battle. "Well? I did say ladies first didn't I Mike?"
"No I heard you just fine, I'm just waiting for the only lady left in the room to leave first. It's you. I was referring to you being the only lady left in the room Harvey." I snicker at Mike's solid burn. Get a room already, amiright or amirite? Please god let me be right.
"You better watch it with your supportive snickering there Saffron. There's still plenty of time for me to strangle you both with this fat neck tie of mine. And nobody will find your bodies because I'll bury them in cement."
I gasp in full offense, recognizing the underlying threat in that call back. "You know I'm starting to see what the others have been saying around here lately, this might be a toxic work environment. Not a single gold star sticker is to be found anywhere. And what with the threat of strangulation here and there. Subpar, is how I'd fraise all this mess."
"You couldn't have articulated my thoughts any better, Saffron. Shall we? Harvey's toxic male energy is interrupting my zen." Mike holds his arm out for me chivalrously as it is his duty as my knight-in-rumpled-shirt apparently and I accept it grandly.
"We shall, in fact, march onward! For Rachel and Country!"
"I am surrounded by crazy people."
"Oh no, we don't use terminology like that in here Mr. Specter. This is a safe space where all thoughts and opinions are considered." A somewhat familiar looking bald dude appears before us along with that tidbit of information the moment we glide into the room.
"And who the hell is this chump?" Is probably what Harvey wishes he could say going by his expression, but he decides for the more diplomatic approach. "And you are?"
The man proffers his hand and we all take turns shaking it. This dude must feel pretty famous right now. Shaking hands left and right. I wouldn't be surprised if he pulled a baby out of his sweater vest there and kissed it's cheek in front of the office masses. "Bob Delicious, I am the therapist who will help guide you all through today's conflict resolution circle session. Pleasure to meet the man of the hour. And you must be Saffron Saffron, the woman I've been hearing so much about."
"How'd you recognize me Mr. Delicious?" I am curious as I don't recognize this dude from the show but he seems familiar.
"Well, to be frank, your entire face is bruised."
"I'll have to take your word for it. Do I know you from somewhere?" Do all bald people look the same? Is that baldist of me? But if I even have to ask the question in the first place... Oh no.
Louis interrupts Mr. Delicious before he can respond. "Ah, I'm so glad you all have had a chance to meet before our first session officially starts. Harvey, so glad you could make it."
"First and Last session. Louis, don't act like we all don't know why you're really doing this- you're just pissed at me because your little scheme to win Saffron didn't work. But you know what Louis? I'll play ball. Let's talk about our feelings."
"Perfect." Lois nods slyly.
Harvey smiles. "Good."
"Good."
"Great."
Micheal decides to spare us from their catfight. "They might never stop if you don't interrupt them, ah, Mr. Delicious."
"Right, well, it's about time we get started. Any volunteers?"
To be continued…