I do not own or profit from Star Trek or Gene Roddenberrys creations.

A/N: Welcome back! I originally wrote this almost a decade ago, and after coming back to read it I knew it needed to be rewritten. So, if you read the original story, you'll probably recognize the changes. For those of you who are reading this for the first time, I hope you enjoy it!

I came up with this story while listening to the song 'Sideways' by Citizen Cope. Youtube it, it's a great song.

"You know it ain't easy, for these thoughts to leave me, ain't no words to describe it in French or in English..."

Adelaide stirred to the smooth voice crooning from the radio, stretching deeply in the blankets she shared on that cool spring Iowa morning. "Good morning baby." She croaked out, her eyes connecting with the ocean blues of her childhood sweetheart.

James Kirk stroked her face gently, a smile crossing his lips after watching her sun-kissed face for nearly an hour. "Good morning." He smirked, leaning in to kiss her, pulling the blankets over them. She giggled as he littered her with sweet kisses, riling her up for yet another round of passion. Adelaide was only happy to satisfy his insatiable appetite; allowing him between her thighs, grinding back into him. James smiled down at his gentle lover before taking in her lips. They were soft, and had the essence of citrus as she moaned. He thrust into her, sharing their tenderness. He was never able to get enough of her. Indulging in her sweet core, it didn't take long before he drained himself and collapse on top of her, his head resting in the valley of her breasts. James savored the soft skin beneath him, thinking back to how their paths crossed and how they ended up in that moment. They were only 20 years old and on their own, living and working to make their own way. He imagined they would probably get married one day because that's what everybody did in that town. James had known Adelaide since they were young children and their first meeting stuck in his mind like it was yesterday.

They were only five. It was Easter, and they were on an egg hunt. She was in a yellow dress with white Mary Janes. She wore her dirty blonde hair in pigtails, decorated with daisy clips. They had been racing for the same egg: purple with blue and pink speckles. She had been just a little closer to it than he was and his first reaction was to push her down so she didn't get to it. She slowly got back up and looked down at the grass stain that marred her front. He began to feel bad as her golden brown eyes filled with tears. His mother (who was actually on planet at the time,) urged him to give Adelaide the egg and apologize. She just refused the egg before being carried away by her grandmother. "I don't want it." She hiccupped with a frown.

There were many more times where he'd made Adelaide cry. It wasn't intentional; it was just him being a rambunctious boy growing up in a boring town. They were alike in so many ways that he was drawn to her. They both lost a parent at birth and had the other parent in Starfleet. They both spent most evenings at her grandmothers dinner table. They were both only children who were (in his opinion) smarter than the average kid. There was very little that was exciting or stimulating for him other than this girl. He did typical boy things like getting her clothes muddy by kicking puddles at her, or sometimes throwing mud balls at her. Sometimes when they'd go playing by the creeks, he'd go about finding snakes or frogs to throw to her when she least expected it. The worst time was the large spider he managed to find when they were ten. She cried harder than he had ever seen her cry before, not realizing just how terrified she was of arachnids at the time. Adelaide's grandmother always told her that James must have had a crush on her, and boy if only she knew. Perhaps that was the reason she allowed him over so much.

Whenever James' mom was gone, and his stepdad didn't feel like dealing with him, he would make his way to her home where her grandmother always had a place for him to sleep. They must have had thousands of nights in their blanket forts, giggling long after lights out. There was a reprieve from his harassment when she received word that her father died off planet. He spent months going over photo albums with her and holding her tight as she sobbed into her fathers uniform. James helped more around the house, as her grandmother was equally distraught and found herself struggling more than usual. At school, James became a little more protective over her. Any other kids who made fun of her had to answer to him. They matured into young adults and James settled down just a little bit. He still spent many nights at her house though he now had to sleep downstairs. That didn't stop them from sneaking out at night and watching the stars in the bed of his truck and drinking whatever wine coolers they could get their hands on. It was such a night under the warm summer sky that he lost his virginity to her.

Their official anniversary was up for debate, but by 17 they were exclusive. James caught flack from his friends. He always denied the idea of them dating. In fact, he would often push hard against the idea. Really he just didn't know if she'd felt the same. The 'I told you so's' echoed through the group when he finally came clean. From the very beginning, they gave him a hard time for the amount of time he began spending with her beyond what he already did. Some weekends he stayed in with her to help her study her nursing program. She dreamed of going on to being a Physician Assistant, and he wanted every bit of it for her. Adelaide would have to push him out of her house so he would go spend a night with his friends and go enjoy the high school parties. It was such a party where he'd made the mistake of making out with a girl from another high school. James groveled as he never had for her forgiveness, of which she eventually gave. Eventually they went on to celebrate their graduations together, and he was there when she got her degree.

They spoke softly about the future. She wanted to go to Star Fleet, as her parents did, where they'd cover an advanced degree. James was against it. Something in him still resented the Fleet. He still blamed them for their parents deaths and the jerk his mother married. He didn't want to see the same fate come of Adelaide, dying in the frozen void of space. Alone. She was the one constant in his whole life. The only positive thing who'd put up with him over the years, who loved him and all of his faults. The more they talked and negotiated, the more a nagging thought grew in the dark corners of his mind. A boring life. The alternative to her dream was a life in a dead-end town as high school sweethearts. He knew as time could make the most beautiful things grow, it could also twist the same into an ugly death and he wondered if that was their destiny. He wasn't entirely sure he could settle for that either.

"Well diamonds they fade, flowers they bloom, but I'm telling you, these feelings won't go away, they've been knocking me sideways, they've been knocking me out babe, whenever you come around me..."

The radio continued to croon, and it spoke to James' heart as his fingers traced her outline.

It was a week before James' 21st birthday. He rode in a group with his friends who had invited him out to an early birthday lunch. He got off of his hoverbike, setting his helmet on the handlebar, and squinted into the bright spring sky. Four more bikes pulled up alongside his. Four guys who'd been his best friends since middle school. They were just as rowdy as he had been, they reminded him to tap into his fun side once in a while. They were the contrast to Addy's mature influences.

"So, Jim, what are we doing for your birthday?" Mike clapped his shoulder hard, leading him into the diner. Jacob, Kyle and Gordon followed behind them towards the back, taking up residence in a booth.

"Well, Addy has a big surprise, so I'm not quite sure." James smiled sadly, looking over the menu left at their booth. He had been looking forward to barhopping legally that night and ringing in 21 the traditional way. He also didn't want to disappoint her if she had been planning something special for him.

"Awww, come on Jim! You've got to live a little! You're always with her! You're about to be 50 years old without ever having done anything without his wife's supervision. Like those guys who work in the same furniture store for 40 years just to make assistant manager, and even then it's because she'd be there to monitor you." Gordon shook his head while the other friends laughed.

Kyle chipped in. "I'm surprised she let you come out today. You know, it would be pretty crazy if you've fucked the same pussy your entire life." He winked as more chuckles arose, knowing that James and Addy had been each others firsts.

"Yeah, well first of all as least I get pussy." James pointed his finger at two of the guys, as the diss howl erupted. Jacob and Kyle had admitted before to being in a dry spell when it came to women.

"I don't know if I could do that. I mean, 21 is when people get their partying out. See what they But you can barely go out without checking in." Jacob quipped, passing out the cokes that had just been delivered to their table.

"I didn't have to ask her. She's just at work so I've got time!" He defended. "And I'm not going to be some assistant manager. I can go and do what I want. I'm sure it's not going to be a problem if I go out." Addy actually hadn't made a big fuss when he hung out with his friends. She admitted to even liking time to herself but appreciated when he checked in.

"Right, and then you'll be called home in the middle of the night." Gordon chortled.

"We're just trying to look out for you. I mean, look around. We don't want to see you stuck in the same situation as all these other high school sweethearts. You're one of the few that have a chance to actually make it out of here." Mike shrugged. He knew James was too smart to stick around, and didn't want to see him stick around for relationships like so many others had.

"Alright, alright, that's enough." James settled them letting them know the conversation was over, but it was too late for the young man. The seed of doubt had been planted long ago when they first began to tease him. Back then he could shake it off easily. But when he and Addy began talking more about the future, the kernel grew ever so much. The fear grew of never exploring and living a full life as his parents had, though unlike his parents he'd prefer his feet on the ground. He tried to ignore the feelings that were bubbling and enjoy the rest of their function.

The long ride back from lunch felt even longer, his thoughts stuck on being with Addy for the rest of his life. He had kissed others girl which came with a brief boob grab, though it wasn't like what he had with Addy. He hated to admit that he did like touching the other girls when he had, he liked the thrill of the moment. It made him think what if he got bored with her by the time he was 25? What if she got bored of him? What if he lost the thrill with her? Could they really just be with each other forever? At 20 it began to sound like a taller order that he wasn't sure either would be able to fill.

James felt a pang of guilt as he pulled up to the house behind her. He watched her get out of her old truck, her faded blue scrubs blew in the light wind. She worked hard to provide for them, for which James appreciated.

"Hey sweetheart!" She called out, her ponytail bobbing as she walked towards him. He lifted his visor, and knew he couldn't face her with the thoughts that were on his mind.

"Hey, I'm going out for a bit." He gave a sad smile that she couldn't see under his helmet, but he could see her disappointment clear as day.

"Alright. Well, I'm making chicken for dinner, it'll be in the fridge in case you get home too late. Just drive safe." She rubbed his arm, and kissed his nose through the visor. She sounded weary. Perhaps a nap would have done her better. She watched James take off down the long driveway, unaware of the confusion that plagued him.

As any young fool would do, he turned back to his friends. Friends who he'd turned to for every other tough time he'd faced. Friends he trusted in naivete to steer him straight yet again and give him the best advice. Friends who reassured him that a break would be healthy for their relationship. Jacob listed off couples they all knew who'd broken up at some point. Most of their friends in school had broken up at some point. Gordon was engrossed in a solo game of darts, chiming in about how his parents marriage was not even consistent over time. "Since you're free tonight, I'll called up some friends and we can all just have a good time." Gordon paused his game to cheer everyone up. "Let's call it a pre-birthday bash. We got our whole lives for that. Tonight, why not just cut loose?" He chuckled, taking a swig from the amber bottle sitting on a nearby stool. The guys all exchanged glances, but a house party was never something to refuse in their dull town.

It was nearing dark when the first groups of people arrived. Kyle recognized a group of girls from their high school. James knew of them but had admittedly never really gotten to know them. Like any good house party guest, many were gracious enough to bring some liquor they managed to procure. It was a much larger party than any of them originally anticipated, with alcohol and marijuana strewn about being enjoyed in various ways. A few people were indulging in ecstasy, but James was happier with his joint and the shots he had lined up before him. He couldn't remember which shot was his last or if he had even finished them all. He couldn't even remember the conflict he'd been internalizing. However, he did remember good music, a very sensual brunette and her even more sensual friend.

James was woken up to Kyle stumbling through the mess that had been made overnight. His head felt as if a sledgehammer was tapping him repeatedly and his stomach felt like it had spent a night in a paint shaker. He moved to turn away from the light that beamed in but a heavy weight pinned him down. James struggled to focus his eyes to find he was indeed pinned by a brunette swath of hair, whose owner only nudged closer to him. In his attempt to push her away, he found himself blocked again. Pushing back the blankets revealed her eager friend resting on his stomach with her hand still grasping his bare penis. Never had he become so sober as quickly as he did in that moment as flashes of the night began to hit him. Images of their lust flashed across eyes as he tried to swat them away like gnats.

"Don't get shy now!" The blonde haired girl groaned, feeling cold. "You definitely weren't last night."

"No, this isn't happening and that didn't happen..." James looked around, trying to grasp reality. His heart was pounding as he snatched a sheet to wrap around him and scramble out into the fresh midday air. He fell to all fours, violently throwing up what scant liquids were left in his stomach. It made his headache even worse and all he could think to do was roll over and lay in the cool grass until the pain subsided.

He never went home that night, or the next day as guilt wracked him. He had dodged her calls but knew he couldn't forever. Every time he thought about what he did his heart pounded in his chest. He sat at Kyles house, dialing all but one digit of her number before losing his nerve. Deep down he loved her, but didn't know if he could return to her after what he knew he did. He just needed time to think, he had never intended to go so far. It was already day three and he knew he had to face her. He couldn't just ignore the calls, but he couldn't bring himself to face her either. Once again this was the predicament at hand with a twist of the new events. Jacob and Kyle had been playing on their phones, split between the conversation and whatever else they were doing. They had been passing joints around nearly all afternoon. Kyle stepped away to grab some more soda from the upstairs fridge. When Kyles phone rang, James absentmindedly answered.

"Hello?" James answered.

"Hello? James, is that you?" It was Adelaide, sounding flustered.

"Yes, it's me, yeah. What's up?" He sounded tired, defeated even.

'what's up, I think I should be the one asking you what's up. You haven't been home, ignoring my calls. Then I get pictures so what IS up James?'

"Well, Addy, I uh... Look." James sighed shakily, his heart pounding with anxiety. The marijuana didn't help him any.

'TELL. ME. Did you really do what I think you did?'

He couldn't deny what he had done, not if she had pictures. If she had pictures. His mind raced to think who would have taken them, but he could not recall. He grimaced, not knowing how to face her.

"I think we need time apart." Jim breathed quickly. Dropping the bomb was the hardest part, the aftermath was just long and timely.

'Time apart? You couldn't have told me that before you slept around? I already forgave you for doing this kind of shit once, so you do it again?! How many times have you done this to me James?!' He could hear her tears as she screamed. Once again, he was being a stupid boy, hurting her just like he had those many times before.

"Never... I mean, not since high school. I don't know Addy, maybe we just moved too fast, you know? We haven't really lived. I didn't mean for that night to happen, it just sort of did... that temptation of living. But a lot of couples take exploration breaks so maybe it will-" He struggled to get his talking points out before Adelaide cut him off.

'So you want to break up with me so we can go sleep around? That's what you call living?' He could hear her tearing up on the other end. 'I held off on going to Star Fleet, and for what? For you to cheat on me? No thanks James. You want your freedom? You have it.'

"You aren't gonna trash his stuff are ya?" Jacob called over the phone with insensitivity. Her yelling caught his ear.

'Don't worry James, I am not so spiteful as to do that. Just give me a week to get my stuff out of there, and it's all yours.'

"Addy," He began

'It's Adelaide, James.'

"I'm sorry."

"Oh like hell you are, James."

CLICK

That was the first night of James' liberation, if he could call it that. While his friends celebrated for him, he had a new nagging thought that he had made the worst decision to date. No matter how his friends tried to engage him, and introduce them to friends and friends of friends, he couldn't feel wholly engaged in the mirth. After a week of the frat boy partying he finally went back to his own home only to find no trace of her. No shoes, no clothes. All of her pictures, and any picture with her in it was gone. Her truck was gone, but all that remained was a note and a stack of printed images from his tryst with those girls.

James-

I took my name off of the lease and settled my end with the landlord. My part of the bills are paid through the end of next month, the bills are no longer in my name. I hope you find what you are looking for.

- Adelaide

'So she really did know' he thought as he crumpled the note, unable to fathom the emptiness that she could have left in her wake. He had nobody to blame but himself. Despite her hurt, she lived up to her word. Nothing was out of place, she was just gone as if she had never been there. He walked aimlessly through the halls and rooms, deafened by the silence. Even at night, only the crickets broke the silence and sleep did not come easy to him. That is how his spiral began.

21? That is the age of partying, marking true adulthood. At least it was for James now that he and his friends were legal to get into the bars and clubs. It was the age to become a Star Fleet Cadet for Adelaide, who followed her dreams with no reasons to stay behind in that ramshackle town.

James found alcohol a cheap and effective way to numb his broken heart. It gave him the gusto to charm the local bar girls enough to take them home, fuck them on his couch and pass out. His friends encouraged him in this endeavor, helping him to find 'new sheets for his mattress' as they called it. In his moments of sobriety, he would wonder to himself how he had gotten to such a point. He sometimes wondered how he had grown since he broke up with Addy. He mostly wondered how she was doing, though nobody she knew would inform him. But another night would come, and so would another woman. Despite knowing word was out about his promiscuity, he was still determined to find that woman who would bring the same comfort that Addy once did. What started as a constant search simply became a habit. That was what got him in trouble the night fate intervened. He had had his eyes on a particularly saucy cadet, staring as her long staring hair and olive tone. He did his best to get her interested before her fellow cadets came along. That was where his night went downhill.

Before he knew it (but after a good ass kicking) he was sitting there with an older man named Christopher Pike who looked him over. His words pulled at the young mans chest. 'The things he could do in Star Fleet,' he thought sarcastically, toying at a dusty promotional model of a fleet ship as the man talked. Hearing him talk about his dad struck a certain chord with him. He always imagined that only he and his mother remembered his father and his achievement. James went home with a swirling head. Maybe he could fill his fathers shoes. Perhaps if he came back as an officer like his father, and found Adelaide again, that she might be willing to give their relationship another chance. Instead of being a drunk with his friends, he could be someone she could be proud of even when he wasn't proud of himself. He still hadn't been able to get in contact with her. Nobody she knew would give him her whereabouts. Not even her grandmother would pass on a message to her for him. But if he came back to this rink dink town as a somebody then just maybe he could get some answers. He sighed knowing his mind was already made up.