I wish you were a girl.
Chapter 1: Mistakes
"Go away, mom. I don't want to talk right now.", Mike had mumbled from the other side of his bedroom door, tears trickling down his face. He waited for a moment, listening to his mother's footsteps grow more faint with each step. When they finally faded, he leaned his head back against the door, and let out a small groan of frustration and disappointment. His mind was full of thoughts, negative ones. You're not enough. How could you say such a thing to Will? What a mistake. A disgrace. Mike quickly shook his head, making his thoughts temporarily disappear. He stood up and walked towards his window. Throwing on a jacket, he glanced at his clock. 10:30, it read.
Mike walked down the street, lost in his thoughts once again. What if Will was mad at him forever? What if he didn't forgive him? It wasn't like he meant to yell. He was just pushing back his true feelings for the boy. He was just afraid, afraid he'd be outed. He didn't want Will to push him away because he was a queer. Nobody even knew about Mike being gay. Nobody but El. After their pretty tense breakup, Mike felt the need to make himself clear, to make sure El understood why he did what he did. He explained to her that he was gay, what gay was, and she was very supportive.
He approached the Byers' household, walking up the steps. The biggest lump was formed in Mike's throat, making it hard for him to swallow. Slowly, the boy raised his hand, making a fist, and lightly knocked. No answer. He knocked again, this time the slightest bit harder.
"Can you hold on a second?! Jeez.", Will bellowed from inside the house. "Oh. It's you." His face was pale and stained with tears. His hair was ruffled and he was in an oversized tee with black shorts.
"Will, can we talk?", Mike paused, "I want to apologize." He stood staring into his friend's pretty hazel eyes.
Will swallowed the lump in his throat. "What's there to apologize for, Mike?! You yelled at me about my past! There's nothing more to it. You just had to bring up my trauma." He stopped. "That type of stuff hurts and it's not okay. Think before you speak. Goodbye, Michael." Will began shutting the door when Mike put his hand out to stop it.
"If you'd just give me a second to explain myself, you might understand." The boy stood peering inside the house.
"Fine. Come in and sit down on the couch." Will opened the door, Mike walking towards the couch. "We're here alone so we won't be interrupted. You have five minutes. Go."
Mike sighed, looking down at his slightly trembling fingers. "You have no idea how sorry I am. I shouldn't have said any of that. I know a simple 'I'm sorry' isn't going to fix everything, but you have to believe me. I'll be a better friend. I promise."
The two boys stared at each other, Mike glancing at Will's lips every so often, feeling his loving yet disgusted feeling overcome him. A moment later, Will let a soft smile spread across his face. God, how Mike had missed it.
"You promise?" He asked.
"I promise." Mike smiled. "Are we still best friends?"
"Of course, we are.' Will's smile grew. "Do you maybe want to stay?"
"Sure."
"Have you ever thought about selling your art?", Mike asked. He stood over Will as he drew. "Like seriously, you're so good at what you do."
"Why, thank you, Mike. I actually haven't ever thought about selling anything, but maybe now I'll take it into consideration."
"You definitely should.", He gushed, walking to Will's bed, sitting down. Will heard a tired yawn from the boy on the bed and looked back to see him rubbing his eyes. His cheeks flushed a bright red as he smiled, standing up from his desk.
He tidied up the area as he spoke. "I can hear you yawning over there. We can go to bed if you'd like?"
"You don't have to, if you don't want to, but I think I'm going to head to sleep." Mike's yawning continued.
"No, it's fine. I'm kind of tired anyway." He lied. Will had been having episodes again, like he had when he was possessed three years ago, but he hadn't told anyone. He didn't want to worry them. His mother, Jonathan. Mike. They really only happened in his sleep and really weren't that bad but lately they've been worse. One morning, he overheard Jonathan telling their mother about how he'd heard Will screaming in the middle of the night.
"Will? You there?" Mike noticed the boy staring at his hands. He seemed to be zoned out.
"Huh? I'm sorry. Did you say something?", Will murmured, zoning back in and looking up at his friend.
"I was just wondering where you wanted me to sleep?", he reassured Will softly, "I can take the floor?"
Will looked at the floor, then back at Mike. "No, you can take my bed. You're a guest. You should be comfortable." A small, genuine smile spread across his face.
"I'm not kicking you out of your bed at your own house.", Mike scoffed a bit, "Besides, it's not like I'm that much of a guest anyway. We're best friends, family even. I'm practically here all the time."
"Mike, I insis-", Will began but was cut off.
"You insist? That's great. I insist too," he paused for a moment. "Insist you sleep in your bed."
"What if we just sleep in the bed together?", Will blurted, "That is only if you're comfortable with it, of course. I understand if you're not. It'd probably be weird anyway. I mean, come on, what was I thinking? We're best friends. You know-"
"Will. You're rambling.", Mike chuckled.
Will's eyes widened, his face turning a bright shade of red. He looked down at the floor and let out an awkward laugh. His stomach was filled with butterflies and his head was spinning. "Yea, I'm sorry."
"No, no, don't be sorry. I just knew I needed to stop you before you said something you'd regret, that's all."
"Oh, alright." There was a slight silence in the room. "I'll sleep on the right side and you can take the left."
Night grew, the stars shining bright and the moon full. It was a breezy Friday night. You could hear the crickets and owls singing their beautiful songs and the fireflies were very visible, flying through the cool October air.
The two boys laid next to each other, both of them asleep. Their backs were turned towards the other. Mike's breathing was low and calm while Will's slowly became more and more heavy with a bit of fear. He was having another episode. His body began to shake a bit. Not enough to shake the bed, but enough to wake the light sleeping boy next to him.
"Will?" Mike sat up, lightly placing a hand on his shoulder. He was cold to the touch. "Are you okay?"
There was no answer. All there was to be heard was the loud and heavy breathing coming from the brunette boy. His body was tense and he'd broke out into a light sweat, still shaking.
Mike's voice trembled. "Will, wake up." He shook his friend's body. Nothing happened. Maybe he's fine, he thought. He is a deep sleeper. Maybe he's just getting a little sick or something. He'll be fine. Still lost in thought, Mike grabbed Will's shaking hand, their fingers intertwining, and laid back down. He gently caressed his thumb across the top of the other boy's hand and placed their hands on top of his chest.
After hours of trying to sleep, Mike finally gave up. He'd laid awake, next to Will, still holding his hand. He kept his eyes on the ceiling, occasionally glancing over to look at the boy next to him. He was still shaking and had sweat dripping from his forehead. His breathing sounded heavier and his body was much more tense. It was as if whatever was going on had gotten worse.
"Stop, please! Don't hurt me!", Will cried. Mike quickly shot up, beginning to squeeze Will's hand tightly out of fear. He watched as he tossed and turned a bit. "No! Stop!" His cries for help grew louder.
"Will? Will, are you okay?! Please wake up!", Mike shouted, hoping he hadn't woken anyone else. What would Joyce or Jonathan do in this situation? Mike's mind was racing. So was his heart. Doesn't Will have something that can make him snap out of this? He began rummaging through some drawers. Lying at the very bottom of one of the drawers was a large needle. It made Mike jump a little, moving his face away from it, but still closely examining it. He'd, suddenly, remembered what Jonathan told him a few years ago. He'd said, "whenever Will has an episode, I just take this needle and inject it into his upper arm." He remembered Jonathan showing him the needle just in case he ever needed to use it. Mike quickly got back on the bed, sitting next to Will once again. He grabbed his hand and carefully injected the needle into his tense upper arm. He watched as his body fell loosely. Mike could feel his hand still shaking but it wasn't nearly as bad. He kept still for a while, listening to Will's, now, calm breathing.
"Mike?", Will rubbed his eyes and sat up, collapsing onto Mike, as he couldn't yet hold himself up. He was still weak.
Catching Will, Mike calmly spoke. "I've got you. Are you alright?" He felt one of Will's arms wrap around him, his head laid on his shoulder.
"I guess. What happened, Mike?" He sat back up, noticing his hand intertwined with Mike's. He felt his friend's thumb move across his hand in a calming motion.
"Be honest with me, Will. Are you having episodes again? Because what I just witnessed seemed like an episode. Or a nightmare, maybe?"
"I-", Will stuttered, "Um, yea. I am."
"Why didn't you tell anyone? Your mom? Jonathan? El?", he paused, "Me? We know how to help you. That's all we want to do, Will. We want what's best for you, for you to be safe."
Will smiled a little. "I know, Mike. I really do. I just didn't want you guys to worry about me. That's all."
"Your selflessness amazes me, you know that?", Mike laughed, "You need to learn to put yourself first sometimes. Be a little selfish."
"So, be like you?", he asked, playfully.
"Not funny, Byers.", Mike beamed, holding back a laugh.
"You're laughing, aren't you?", he looked Mike in the eyes, with a smile.
He nodded with a laugh, not breaking eye contact. Both boys' cheeks were a bright rosy color and they were still holding hands as if it were nothing. Will's stomach filled with butterflies when he noticed Mike had been glancing down at his lips.
I want to kiss him so bad. Wait, what do you mean you want to kiss him? That's gross. It's gross for me to like a guy, right? And he's my best friend, who's probably not even gay. That could ruin our whole friendship. Mike's head was overflown with thoughts. Should I, do it? He's so pretty, he thought. You know what? Screw it. I'm going to do it. He placed his hand on Will's face, carefully, kissing him. Their lips touched. It was like Mike's whole world lit up, like Will was his light.
After about ten seconds, Mike pulled away. He was so proud of himself, yet so disappointed, disgusted. He'd thought, maybe, he'd overcome his internalized homophobia but deep down, it never left. He felt Will kiss him back and somehow his mind was filled with negative thoughts. They downpoured in his mind.
"Mike?", Will asked, a bit hesitantly, "Are you okay? Is something wrong?" He watched Mike's gaze trail away from him.
"Yea, I'm fine. I'm just going to go to sleep for a few hours. I have to leave kind of early.", he laid down, facing away from Will.
9:00am rolled around, Mike was awake and so was Will. Will watched as Mike packed his things. He'd been so confused. Mike had kissed him and now acted as if nothing happened. It wasn't normal. This wasn't normal. Mike wasn't normal.
Will wanted to ask Mike about the kiss so badly, but was afraid he'd push the subject away and say something like, "It doesn't matter." But it did matter. Will was just as confused as Mike.
"Um, Mike?", Will finally let out. His voice shook a bit when he spoke. He was very hesitant and careful with his words, careful not to make Mike uncomfortable with the subject.
"Yes, Will?", Mike's voice was low and calming to hear. He spoke in a special way with Will. It was kind of like he had a "Will voice". A voice that was reserved for him and only him. It was soft, more raw, and everything he said came from his heart. It was filled with something so unique, there wasn't quite a word to describe it. It was a part of vocabulary that hasn't been discovered just yet. Hell, Mike didn't even realize he spoke like this. It was just something that came so naturally.
"Can I ask you a question?", he paused, thinking for a moment, "It's kind of important."
"Go on."
"It's, um, about our kiss last night. I was just curious why you did it?", he swallowed.
"I just felt like it.", Mike trailed off, "I just wanted to kiss you."
"Did you mean anything by it?", Will interrogated. He was less hesitant now. Something about Mike's responses felt off to him, like Mike was physically there, but mentally he wasn't.
"I don't know. I really don't", he stammered, "It was a mistake. Let's just forget about it, alright?"
"Yea.", the boy stuttered, his eyes filling with tears, "A mistake..."