It's so hard to tell what's in store for Andy & Surrera in the final three eps and there is so much time to speculate. While my expectations remain low, I'd be thrilled to see Robert supporting Andy in some way. Maybe the writers will give that to us… I won't be holding my breath. Anyhow, this is soft… so soft…tissues may be required at times. Happy reading, Ash!
It was a little after 2am and Andy couldn't help the internal debate she was having as her hand hovered over Robert's name in her favorites list. She'd never changed it after the separation and even the divorce. Something in her couldn't bring herself too. Did she call or didn't she? She'd done it a few times recently, but always felt a twinge of guilt when she pulled him out of sleep.
It had been a few weeks since the night that changed everything. After being arrested, charged and arraigned she was awaiting trial on manslaughter charges. It was wild to think that despite so much evidence to prove Andy had only defended herself, she was now being painted as the attacker and people were sympathizing with the man who'd harmed her.
Jack had been a supportive friend, spending the first few nights on the couch of her new place, but eventually she'd told him to go home. Somehow instinctively Andy knew no one could save her from this. This wasn't one of those times she could distract herself with work, booze or sex. She had to face her truth.
As she did that, as she stood on her own two feet bearing the weight of all the uncertainty that was in front of her and reflecting on the path that brought her here, she'd realized there was one person she wanted by her side more than anyone else. It was that thought that had her hitting Robert's contact in her phone.
"So how many episodes of Dancing With the Stars have you rewatched?" Robert asked as he answered his phone. Sleep was thick in his voice and he skipped all pleasantries knowing exactly who was calling.
The first time Andy had called him in the middle of the night, it felt like his heart stopped as her name flashed across his iPhone screen. He immediately worried that something was wrong. Turns out, she was as okay as she could be, but couldn't sleep and for some reason unbeknownst to him, he is who she wanted to talk to.
He knew Jack had slept on her couch for a few days and the rest of 19, plus Theo had stepped up to support her. He'd done his best to be there for her, but also didn't want to overstep. Robert wasn't totally sure what went wrong in their relationship, but he did know that a part of what bonded them together initially was shared trauma and that had made for a fragile foundation that couldn't withstand all the challenges they faced. He couldn't save her this time. He could only walk with her as she saved herself.
"None…" Andy answered his question with a small smile. He knew her. During their short lived marriage she had tortured him many times with episodes of various reality TV shows.
Robert shifted in bed, held the phone to his ear and tried to get comfortable in a new spot. "Ahhhh so the Bachelor tonight?"
He couldn't see her, but that didn't stop Andy from rolling her eyes and feigning annoyance. Only to herself would she admit that their regular banter had become one of her favorite parts of the day. "Excuse me for needing TV more interesting than Sportscenter or history documentaries." The more they talked, the more she realized just how much she missed him.
"What can I say… I'm a simple man," you could hear the humor in Robert's voice as he spoke.
After a few moments of silence Andy finally said, "You don't have to keep taking my calls you know…you shouldn't be kept awake just because I am."
Robert breathed and resisted saying all the things that were on his heart. This wasn't the time to clog her mind or emotions with complicated feelings. His only job right now was to listen and be a friend. Everything else could wait.
"You could stop calling." He spoke the words, but knew she wouldn't. Something between them had shifted and though it was unspoken, they both knew it.
"You're the only one who gets it… the only person I know who's…" Andy's voice fell off. She was struggling to reconcile what happened with her goodness as a person and somehow Robert was helping. His perspective is what she needed.
"Taken a life?" Robert filled in her statement knowing exactly where she was headed.
"Yeah," Andy replied. A strange tapestry of sadness, guilt, relief and pride had taken up residence within and she was struggling to make peace with it all. When he didn't move to fill the silence she continued. "19, Theo, Michelle, they've all been great, but none of them really know what it's like to have something like this weighing on your conscience."
"Most people don't." Robert wished they weren't here in this moment, wished that someone who had already endured so much didn't have to face more, but here they were. At times it seemed life was so unfair.
Silence hung in the air between them, but Andy knew what she wanted to ask. It was the question that had been floating around in her mind as she tried to find sleep. It's the question she knew only he could give her the answer to. "How did you forgive yourself? Make peace?"
Robert shifted in bed and leaned up against the headboard. He took his time before jumping into a response. "Well… it's a little different. I knew what I was signing up for when I went into the marines, but I can still tell you about it. Maybe it will help."
During their time together, he'd largely shielded her from that part of him. Not opening up those scabs or digging around in those old wounds, but he'd realized through his addiction and sobriety that not talking had been a part of the problem. Shoving down his feelings, trying to ignore the very real challenges that came after war, grief and injury are all things that led him to numb and self medicate.
Two years sober, on the other side, what he realized is that while he wasn't sure what the future would hold for them, any movement forward required truth. He had to trust the container of their relationship was strong enough to hold his truth and hers.
Andy heard the caution in Robert's voice. He was committing to opening up, despite being concerned that what he might say would be hard to hear and possibly even difficult for him to share. "Okay."
He took a drink from the glass of water on his night stand and bought himself a moment. "As a sniper you're trained to be a killer. You are drilled to the point where pulling the trigger becomes as natural as taking your next breath. It's beaten into you that what stands between the safety of your country and the enemy is you." Realizing the phone line had gone largely quiet, he asked. "Is this too much, you still with me?"
Andy nodded though Robert couldn't see her. "I'm here, just listening," she whispered.
Robert closed his eyes as memories of lying in wait in his snipers nest, spotter at his side, flashed before his eyes. Pushing his concern to the background he sighed deeply and continued. "You know that the target you line up in your scope is the bad guy and if you don't take them out they're going to hurt a lot of people. It doesn't mean you don't still see them as a human, you do. Often my targets were husbands and fathers. And knowing that…there were a few times I hesitated and almost missed my shot, but at the end of the day… They were the bad guys and I had to do what needed to be done."
Robert's words brought a small semblance of comfort. He'd gone out to hunt some of the world's greatest threats and it seemed no matter what atrocities he knew they committed, he still struggled with pulling the trigger.
"I know I did what needed to be done. So how is it possible that I feel both relieved and ashamed. I mean… If I feel guilty it's no wonder that people are saying what they're saying?" Andy asked reluctantly. She didn't really expect Robert to have an answer, but it's what was coming up for her.
"What do you mean?" Robert responded gently.
"The articles, news, social media. They all think I'm an awful person." Andy's voice cracked a bit and her eyes welled up as she thought about the reports she'd seen. "Like I haven't spent all of my adult life on the frontlines saving peoples lives. It's like they think I just woke up one day and said I'm gonna go out, get drunk and kill a guy. Why are they assuming the worst about me?"
Robert's heart broke as he listened to the woman he loved. It was moments like this where he wanted to forgo all the boundaries they were upholding and drive to her place. Hold her. Let her cry. Reassure her… but he knew he couldn't.
His tone was firm as he replied. "No." His head shook. "The things they're writing. That is not you. They want clicks and views and will say anything in order to get that. Someone assaulted you. You defended yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. That's what you have to focus on right now. And I will remind you as often as necessary that you are the good guy."
Tears slid from Andy's eyes down to the pillow she was resting against. "What if they don't see it that way? The judge, the jury. What if they don't see me as the victim, as the one who needed saving?" Her voice was watery and full of the very real fear she was walking around with every day.
Robert's tone was softer now, but no less firm. He knew he couldn't erase all of her doubts. Only she could do that, but he could make sure she heard the truth. "First you're not a victim, you're a survivor. Yes something awful happened to you, but you fought back and I am so damn proud of you for that." His voice broke at the end. He'd replayed worst case scenarios over and over in his head and was so grateful that nothing worse happened.
When he'd held Andy in the beanery the morning after it had taken everything in him not to lose it himself. For the first time in over a year he'd held his wife. At a time when many people don't seek contact or want to be touched, she found him safe enough to reach for his embrace. It gutted him.
And yes, technically the divorce was final but in that moment she was his. She was hurting physically, mentally, and emotionally. She was terrified about what would happen next and as if she needed any more stress, memories of her mom were floating to the surface. With every bone in his body he wanted to take the pain he knew she was in away, but it was impossible.
He could hear Andy sniffling into the phone and after finding his voice again, Robert continued. "And second, if they don't see that you did the right thing and should be free to live your life… I sell the apartment, liquidate savings, retirement, investments and we flee to some small country with no extradition."
As Robert spoke his words, Andy couldn't help the laughter that erupted from her. The heaviness of the moment broke and Robert joined her. Wiping her tear stained eyes she cracked a joke, "Bonnie & Clyde. International edition."
"I speak six languages, we could probably even find a country where I speak the language." The humor in Robert's voice was evident.
Andy sighed deeply. She'd had more time than ever to think over the past couple weeks. With no distractions, she couldn't not face the prior year. She'd messed up, badly. Done things to intentionally hurt him, yet here he was showing up for her. She hoped life would give her the chance to really make things right.
"You're a good man Robert Sullivan. You've been kinder to me than I deserve." Her voice was soft and certain.
Robert knew she felt conflicted. She struggled to make eye contact with him at times and he knew it was because of everything running just under the surface between them. "Everyone deserves forgiveness, Andy. I'm not still holding you hostage to the things that went wrong in our marriage."
"That makes one of us." She blurted out the words before she could stop them, but luckily heard Robert's yawn before he could respond. "It's late. You should get back to sleep." Andy added.
He was tired, but he'd manage. "I'm okay."
"You're exhausted and I'm a big girl. Maybe I'll turn on one of your history documentaries. That would probably put me to sleep." Andy cracked another joke to keep the mood light.
Knowing what she was doing, Robert went along. "Rude. What did my documentaries ever do to you?" He questioned jokingly.
"You know now that I think about it, I should have gone that route first. They always used to put me to sleep," As Andy said the words she could feel the nostalgia swirling between them.
"Yeah," Robert breathed as he remembered cozy nights with Andy snuggled into his side on the couch or in bed. He'd look over from time to time and just stare. She was so peaceful and at ease when she slept.
"Goodnight, Robert," her voice pulled him from his thoughts.
"Good night, Andy," he answered back.
Thanks for reading! More to come! As always, I love to hear from you. It has been a rough season, but still holding on to a crumb of hope and believing Surrera is endgame.