Authors' Note - Happy St. Valentine's Day! Welcome to the first chapter of 'Her Majesty Is Not Pleased', a comedy/romance serial and sequel to both Magpie Corvidae's 'Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani, Westerlund News' and MrFredCDobbs' 'One Tough Cloaca.' Magpie and Fred have had a blast collaborating on this crossover project and hope you'll enjoy it as well.
Her Majesty Is Not Pleased takes place in the canonical Mass Effect universe and is set on the Citadel not long before the events of Mass Effect 3. It will feature a sprawling cast of characters, with an emphasis on sexy asari. Original characters from both earlier stories will return and you'll see several familiar faces from the original trilogy as well. We plan to update the story every Sunday with a new chapter for at least the next few months. Since this website does not allow for dual bylines - Why not? We don't know - Fred will be hosting it. Reviews, feedback, constructive criticism, suggestions and questions are all encouraged.
Cheers!
Magpie & Fred
Chapter 1 - Welcome Back To The Citadel, Ms. al-Jilani
Illium Entertainment News Update - 6th Dimenson Vids confirmed today that production would start soon on Blasto: The Battle for the Citadel, the highly anticipated follow-up to the hanar superstar's blockbuster hit, Blasto: The Hunt for Saren. The vid will be filmed on location at the Citadel itself. Sources tell our reporters that the script was extensively rewritten to allow for the return of asari actress Adria S'Voz's character, Commander Shi'Paard, from the previous vid. An insider explained, "The upcoming production is still closely based on the true story of Commander Shepard, the human Spectre who took down Saren Arterius, except now both Blasto and S'Voz are playing characters based on the human. A few other, similarly minor changes were made, like cutting out the stuff taking place on Noveria. Nobody wanted to film there. It's cold."
The turian customer relations worker looked up from his monitor and sighed. "It's a good news/bad news situation, ma'am," he announced in a calm, slightly sorrowful voice. "The good news is, we have found your luggage. The bad news is, it's on Tuchanka."
The smartly-dressed, dark-haired human woman at the counter rolled her eyes. She had already waited patiently for ten minutes for Trans-Galactic Transports to find her property. Now she faced the prospect of waiting much, much longer.
"You're telling me it's not even here on the Citadel?! It's in a completely different star system?!" she exclaimed. "How did you manage to screw that up?"
The turian's mandibles flared slightly but his voice remained calm and even grew friendlier in tone. "I'm very sorry about this, ma'am. But the logistics of space travel can be extremely intricate. A single computer glitch can cause all sorts of errors. And with systems as complex as these, that's just bound to happen."
The human took a deep breath. "Uh-huh. And how long until you can get my luggage back to me?"
"I'd estimate 2-3 weeks, ma'am," the turian matter-of-factly replied.
"What?!" sputtered the human.
The turian sadly shook his head. "I'm afraid so. It might even be longer. There isn't much transport traffic with Tuchanka on account of the high risk of having anything to do with the krogan homeworld. Plus, we'll have to detoxify your luggage due to the planet's surface radiation. That takes time."
The human cursed loudly. "Yes, I'd rather not have irradiated underwear. Fine. I'll give you an address for delivery when it does get here." She entered it on a counter monitor, then began striding away.
She had made it four steps before the turian called out to her. "There is a way to avoid these unfortunate situations in the future," he announced.
The human froze, spun around and headed back to the counter. "What do you mean?" she asked.
"Well, ma'am, Trans-Galactic Transports does offer a premium VI-based service to track and monitor all passenger luggage and other transport items. It ensures that mix-ups like this cannot happen," the turian earnestly explained. "I could sign you up for it now, if you'd like."
The human's green eyes narrowed and she folded her arms. "I thought you said mistakes like this were 'bound to happen.' Now you're saying that isn't the case?"
The turian's mandibles flared again but his voice grew even more soothing. "Well, as I said, ma'am, it's a premium service available for Trans-Galactic Transports passengers. We're currently offering it at a reduced and very reasonable rate."
The human approached the counter and drummed her fingers across it. "Are you actually saying I have to pay extra to get my own property back from your transport company?" she inquired. "You're holding my luggage for ransom?"
"No, not at all, ma'am. We at Trans-Galactic Transports have the utmost respect for our passengers' personal property," the customer relations representative replied. "We'll give your luggage back the moment we have it. We just don't have it here now."
The human slowly nodded. "And why isn't the VI-program that ensures this 'cannot happen' a standard service you provide?"
The turian's soothing voice became slightly forced. "If you have a complaint, I can give you the official Trans-Galactic Transports extranet address for that," he announced.
The human ignored the turian and instead pulled up her omni-tool. She made a point of leaning in and reading the turian's nametag and then noting the exact rate the monitor quoted for the VI service before entering that and other data into her omni-tool. "I have something else in mind," the human muttered.
The turian shrugged. His voice lost its soothing tone. "Contact Citadel Security if you like. The quarians will have seat on the Council before C-Sec ever gets around to investigating a case of lost luggage," he warned.
The human again ignored the turian's comments. "How many of these premium services has your company sold? What is the breakdown among species?"
"Like the company would give that data out to anyone who asked…" the turian began, only to get interrupted.
The human's eyes flashed and her tone grew harder as she leaned in towards the customer relations rep. "So, Trans-Galactic Transports does track this information, they just withhold it. I see. How often does your company have these passenger property 'mix-ups' as you term it? And do they track that by species as well?"
The turian threw up his arms. "Now, waitaminute! I did not say…"
The human again cut the turian off. "Are these cases of missing property more likely to happen to any particular species? That shouldn't be the case if, as you claim, it's a purely random occurrence. Does it happen to humans at a rate that falls outside of the mathematical average for other species? Can Trans-Galactic Transports provide any clarification on this? You just said the company does track this data."
With that, the turian broke into a broad sneer. "You humans! You cry at the first sign of trouble because you're still too immature to understand the prothean technology you found on Mars! You'll need at least another three centuries before you fully comprehend mass effect energy and inter-galactic travel. Probably longer."
The human nodded. "So, Trans-Galactic Transports thinks it can get away with this scam because humans are too unsophisticated to understand space travel, Customer Relations Representative… Avitus Maltrum, is it?"
"Believe whatever you want to believe, lady," the turian scoffed in response. "It's gonna take as long as it's gonna take to get your luggage back. Call C-Sec if you want. We both know doing that won't change anyth-." He abruptly stopped when he heard a slight audio crackle from the human's omni-tool. "Wait, is that thing... recording?"
The human motioned to the turian to pause, then had her omni-tool play an audio clip of the turian's comment regarding humanity's immaturity and poor understanding of mass effect technology. Once the clip finished, she began speaking into the device.
"That was the official response from Trans-Galactic Transports spokesman Avitus Maltrum to Westerlund News regarding the company's admitted inability to immediately return all passengers' personal property brought along during space travel," the human began. "The company acknowledged that it had the VI-based technology in place to ensure that any loss of passenger property quote 'cannot happen' unquote but deliberately does not provide that service for all passengers. Instead, passengers who have lost property are charged additional fees if they want to prevent such loses in the future. Trans-Galactic Transports also admitted that it tracked the loss rate by species but refused repeated requests by Westerlund News to provide breakdowns of that data. When specifically asked if the loss rate was higher for humans, company spokesman Avitus Maltrum declined to answer. Spokesman Maltrum did say that there was an unspoken understanding that C-Sec would not investigate any loss of passenger property and this was factored into Trans-Galactic Transport's policy."
The human paused for a moment, then added, "Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani reporting." With that, she closed her omni-tool, folded her arms and stared at the turian. She raised a single eyebrow but otherwise said nothing.
The turian began to perspire and his left hand started tugging at the collar of his company uniform. After several long moments, he finally broke the silence. "So… you're that human? I-I thought you looked familiar, but I had heard that you'd relocated to Illium."
Khalisah's face was expressionless as she very slowly shook her head. "I took a long vacation there. And while I was there I also did a bit of work covering the planet's entertainment industry. But the Citadel is still my home," she replied.
The turian forced a smile and threw open his arms. "Well, welcome back to the Citadel, Ms. al-Jilani!" he exclaimed. "You know, it's important to Trans-Galactic Transports that all of our passengers have a satisfactory experience, especially VIPs such as yourself. With that in mind, let me double-check the transport manifests. There might be something we can do to remedy this… unfortunate situation."
The customer service rep pulled up a chair and sat directly in front of his monitor, muttering loudly as he began pulling up additional data charts. "Let's see… Hmm, what is the route? … Any others in the vicinity…?" He continued muttering for another two minutes before letting out a sharp, "Ah-ha!"
"And?" Khalisah curtly asked.
"This time, ma'am – err… Miss al-Jilani – it's good news and, ah, better news!" the customer relations rep announced. "The good news is I located the transport with your luggage, and it hasn't actually reached Tuchanka yet. The better news is that there's another Trans-Galactic Transports shuttle that's in the same system and currently en route to the Citadel. I've arranged for the shuttles to intercept each other and have your property transferred to the one that's heading here. We can have your luggage for you tomorrow. It will be sent to the Citadel address you entered earlier, free of charge." The turian looked up from the monitor and beamed at al-Jilani. "So, there's really no need to file that story."
The reporter tilted her head and pursed her lips. "I will be much happier once I get my property back. You can count on that," she announced.
"Glad to hear that, Ms. al-Jilani," the turian declared, then reached inside a desk drawer and produced a shiny plastic card. "To apologize for any misunderstanding, we'd also like to give you this complimentary pass for a free round trip on Trans-Galactic Transports to anywhere in this quadrant."
The reporter took the card, looked it over, then tucked it into a pocket. She turned and left the counter. Once she was out of his line of sight, the turian customer relations representative reached into a drawer, pulled out a flask of dextro-amino-based whiskey and took a long slug.
"Spirits preserve me!" he exclaimed as he wiped his jaw and mandibles. He then took a second, even longer, drink.
Khalisah walked along the spaceport promenade until she found a café and grabbed an empty table. She sipped a cup of hot, black coffee and nibbled on a sweet roll as she reviewed the impromptu story she had composed a few minutes earlier and made a few tweaks to it. "VI, set story to post automatically on the main page of the Westerlund News extranet site at midnight tomorrow," she instructed.
This wasn't spite, Khalisah told herself. While she couldn't know exactly how many people the company had run that scam past, she almost certainly wasn't the first. And while she had turned the tables in her own case, that didn't mean she could just stand by and allow other people to get ripped off. That would be a failure to uphold her responsibility as a reporter to expose lies and corruption.
But Khalisah told herself she could at least hold off on publishing until after her own property was returned. Surely, one day wouldn't make a significant difference. And if the turian customer relations rep believed there had been any agreement on her part not to publish, well, that was on him. She had made no such promise. The free ticket had been presented as a gift and she had accepted it as such. Yes, she may have been concerned that turning it down would have alerted the turian that there was no agreement to kill the story and resulted in her luggage taking up permanent residence on Tuchanka. But it was not her responsibility to clear up the misperceptions of the person who had, after all, tried to scam her.
The incident had been, in its own weird way, comforting, Khalisah mused. It had been a tumultuous few months for her personally, changing her life in ways that she was still coming to grips with. But at least the Citadel was still the same: simultaneously the shining center of galactic power and the place where humans were second-class citizens barely tolerated by their betters.
Khalisah took another sip of her coffee and recalled the excitement so many human friends and colleagues had expressed more than two years ago when the Systems Alliance was granted a seat on the Council. "Humans are now an equal member of the galactic community! This will change everything!" she was told over and over again. Skeptics like herself were often mocked.
Ultimately, galactic power had remained concentrated in the hands of the three other Council races: the turians, the salarians and the asari. Those three regularly united in opposition to the Systems Alliance on matters large and small. And when entire human colonies out in the Terminus Systems started disappearing months ago, the other races didn't lift a finger to help. It wasn't just the governments either. It was still common for aliens to openly talk about humans being inferior and needing to learn their place.
To Khalisah, the clearest example of humanity's second-class status was playing in a theater opposite the spaceport cafe where she was enjoying her coffee. 'Blasto: The Hunt for Saren,' the theater marque announced. The vid was based on the true story of Commander Shepard, the first human member of the Council's elite Special Tactics and Reconnaissance branch. It was the tale of how that Spectre operative had thwarted the plans of a renegade turian Spectre to lead an invasion of the Citadel. And who was cast in the vid as the human hero? Asari actress Adria S'Voz. The producers for 6th Dimension Vids had replaced all of the other humans on Shepard's ship with asari actresses as well. On top of all that, S'Voz was still billed below hanar star Blasto, who played a composite character based on Shepard's alien allies.
It wasn't like Khalisah was even a fan of the controversial Shepard, who had clashed with the reporter in a pair of on-camera interviews. And Khalisah was actually a fan of S'Voz, who had starred in one of her all-time favorite vids, a romance called 'Vaenia.' But it galled Khalisah that humans literally weren't important enough to appear in their own story. Not even when they were saving the Citadel itself. In galactic politics, nothing had changed.
Khalisah's own life, by contrast, had been nothing but change. Mere months ago, she was living hand-to-mouth, often forced to skip out on rent payments for her modest Citadel apartment. Almost every credit she earned as a muck-raking reporter went to pay for a secret, high-security Earth school for her five year-old daughter, Daniyah. It was the only way Khalisah knew to keep Daniyah safe from her estranged husband, the wealthy, powerful and ruthless arms dealer Donovan Hock. Then one day came the news that Khalisah was officially a widow: Hock had died at his home on the human colony of Beckenstein under mysterious and, by all accounts, extremely violent circumstances.
No tears were shed by Khalisah. It had been an arranged marriage forced upon her by her father, himself a member of Beckenstein's wealthy elite. But Hock's killer or killers hadn't exactly done her a favor either. The death prompted a mad rush by various ruthless individuals to seize control of Hock's fortune. Khalisah would have happily let them take it if that meant that she & Daniyah could just be left alone. But Khalisah was not only Hock's widow, she was also the only person who knew exactly how he had encrypted access to his finances. That made her a pawn in a deadly struggle over Hock's money that involved her father and the mysterious underworld figure known only as 'The Shadow Broker.' Ultimately, Khalisah was forced to kill her own father. But when the dust cleared, she had inherited the entire Hock fortune and even got a sizable chunk of the al-Jilani estate. She was as shocked as anyone. Even after paying off her debts, creating a trust fund for Daniyah and giving a majority of the rest to charity, Khalisah still fit the definition of "filthy rich."
Along the way, Khalisah had ended up entangled in a brief fling with one of the broker's operatives, an asari named Jacana Aragem. But was 'fling' the right word? She didn't know how else to describe it: dalliance? Love affair? Surely love hadn't come into it anywhere. Circumstances had put them together. Necessity made them cling to each other for survival. Intimacy had followed that. Had it just been the madness of the moment? Khalisah honestly didn't know.
They had not seen each other in months. Jacana had opted to stay on the Citadel while al-Jilani went first to Beckenstein to claim the inheritances and then Earth to see Daniyah for the first time in years. What was intended as a pair of short trips instead became a months-long absence when Khalisah impulsively decided to take Daniyah on an extended vacation to Illium. She wanted some time for them to finally bond as mother & daughter. Khalisah had promised to stay in touch with Jacana via the extranet while traveling, but the messages on both sides became less and less frequent as time wore on. Minding a five year-old was so all-consuming that Khalisah had barely even noticed when they stopped altogether.
Then one day as Khalisah savored an early morning cup of coffee at an Illium hotel restaurant, she looked up and saw Adria S'Voz seated a few tables away. Khalisah's last night with Jacana had involved watching S'Voz's vid 'Vaenia.' Or at least trying to. They had stopped paying attention about half-way through, right after the vid's notorious rooftop scene. But that was still long enough for the sight of S'Voz to trigger a flood of memories for Khalisah from that night: the scent of Jacana's perfume; the feeling of the asari's hot breath along Khalisah's neck; the things they had whispered to each other throughout the night; the time their voices rose from whispers to shouts; and the unique ecstasy that came from two minds being melded together, allowing a person to experience their lover's pleasure as they gave it to them.
It shook Khalisah. Before she even knew what she was doing, she had scurried off to the hotel gift shop, found a copy of Vaenia for sale and presented it to S'Voz for an autograph. The inscription requested was, 'To Jacana, I believe there's somebody on the Citadel who wants to watch this with you again.' Khalisah then had the hotel concierge send the vid to the Citadel via a delivery service. A hour later Khalisah was honestly unsure if she hadn't dreamt the whole thing. She had to double-check the charges on her credit chit just to be certain. Jacana sent an extranet message a week later: "I'd love to do that." Khalisah's heart skipped a beat when she read it.
Was this love? Khalisah had nothing to judge it against. "Loveless" barely even began to describe her marriage to Hock. Nor had any of Khalisah's small number of other lovers stirred any deep feelings inside her. Jacana was the first ever to do that. But was Khalisah mistaking the ecstasy of melding minds for something deeper? The more she thought about her upcoming reunion with Jacana, the more anxious and confused she got. An alien?! What was she even thinking?!
Khalisah's brooding was interrupted by a chirpy, familiar voice. "Hey! Didn't know you were back! This seat taken?" asked Emily Wong. Before Khalisah could respond, Wong plopped herself into the opposite chair and shouted a request for a double-espresso to the cafe's volus waiter. "Saw the reports you did on Illium about the Blasto vid! Good stuff! So you must be here to cover the arrival of the cast and crew for the sequel, right?"
Emily Wong got under Khalisah's skin in a way that few other people did. Professionally, they were competitors. Personally, they were nothing alike. Privately, Khalisah was convinced Wong was a phony. Nobody was that friendly and upbeat no matter what the situation or who they were talking to. It had to be an act Wong used to get sources to lower their guard and confide in her. It clearly worked. Whenever somebody inside the Council wanted to leak information, they always seemed to give it to Wong first. The really grating part about this, as far as Khalisah was concerned, was that Wong was never a pushover for those sources. She used her access to break stories about corruption and public safety that Khalisah would've killed to have reported on first. And, worst of all, Wong always acted like she wanted Khalisah to be her best pal.
"Sequel? What are you talking about?" Khalisah asked.
"Oh, come on, you silly! You've been reporting on this yourself!" Wong chuckled. "The one that's based on Commander Shepard's life."
Khalisah sighed and pointed to the nearby theater showing Blasto: The Hunt for Saren. "That one's already been released. See?"
Wong grinned and nodded. "The first one, yeah! And now they're going to be on the Citadel to film the sequel, 'Blasto: The Battle for the Citadel.' They just announced that they've gotten permission to film the final battle scene in the Council Chambers itself! The same spot where Commander Shepard and Urdnot Wrex took down Saren Arterius once and for all!" It was then that Wong noticed the blank look on her fellow reporter's face. "Wait, did you really not know any of this, Khalisah? How did you manage to cover the premiere of The Hunt for Saren and not know they were already working on a sequel?"
Khalisah cringed slightly at being called out by Wong. "Well, I'm not ordinarily an entertainment reporter. I-I thought they covered all the stuff with Shepard in the first vid."
A volus waiter delivered Wong's double-espresso and she took a slurp. "You weren't clued in by the fact that the Hunt for Saren ended with the battle on Virmire? Or the announcement at the end of vid, 'Coming soon to a theater near you: 'Blasto: The Battle for the Citadel'?"
Khalisah cringed again. "Well... I... Haven't actually seen The Hunt for Saren. I was put off by the fact that they cast an asari as Shepard."
Wong shrugged. "Yeah, that was kind of lame, wasn't it? But Adria S'Voz is so good in the part! And she did all her own stunts! She's amazing! Have you seen her in Vaenia? That one is something else too," she exclaimed, then began comically fanning herself. "That rooftop scene is H.O.T.!"
"That one I'm more familiar with," Khalisah began, before suddenly deciding she had already said enough and cutting herself off. "But, no, I'm not here to cover any press conference. I just arrived from Illium myself." A thought flashed in Khalisah's head. "Emily, when was the last time you had a vacation?"
Wong pondered that while she finished off the rest of her double-espresso. "You know, it's been so long I can't even remember."
Khalisah reached into a pocket and pulled out a shiny plastic card. "Here, take this. It's a voucher for a free round trip on Trans-Galactic Transports. I just had a long vacation and don't need it. I only have it because it was offered as a gift and turning it down would have been awkward under the circumstances. But you can treat yourself to a long-overdue rest, Emily." In her head, Khalisah added, 'This is win-win. Having you off the Citadel will be a vacation for me too.'
Wong's jaw dropped as she took the card and examined it. "Really?! You're just giving it to me?! Wow, thanks!" She hopped up out of her chair and gave Khalisah a hug, either not noticing or not caring that the action made her fellow reporter rigidly freeze in place. "Everyone calls you a raging bitch behind your back, Khalisah, but I think they're just not giving you a chance!"
Khalisah gently peeled Emily Wong off her. "Actually, they do that to my face too. Oh, and a word of advice for the trip: travel light."
The spaceport public address system announced the arrival of the latest transport from Illium. The concourse suddenly began to buzz with activity. "Ooh! That's the one with the Blasto cast and crew! I'd better get ready," Wong exclaimed. "Hey! Since you're here, Khalisah, why don't you come along to the press conference?"
Khalisah didn't respond immediately. She stared at a spaceport arrivals and departures screen. "Are they arriving in an Elkoss Combine T-179 freighter?"
Wong looked up at the screen and squinted. "I guess so. I mean, that's the ship from Illium what just docked. Why? What's up?"
Khalisah pulled up her omni-tool and ran a quick extranet search. "Those are massive freighters, not commercial passenger transports. Why do they need that much space for a bunch of posh actors? You'd think movie stars would demand a luxury transport."
"Well, it's not just the actors arriving," Wong explained. "It's all of the crew: the director and producers; the technical people like cinematographers, editors, set-builders; a huge number of stunt performers; plus all of the vid's cameras, props and other equipment. The budget for this production is rumored to be staggering. 6th Dimension Vids is pulling out all of the stops to make Blasto: The Battle for the Citadel one of the biggest events of all time. Vid crews are going to be all over the Citadel for the next few months."
"Really? I think I will come along then," muttered Khalisah. "I may have a few questions."
Wong pulled up her omni-tool's mirror function and did a quick check of her makeup. "Then, c'mon! We don't want to be late for the conference."