Hi guys! Are you okay? I hope so! Thanks for all the reviews.

Sorry for my absence, I was writing other things while processing the last events in my life.

I dislocated my shoulder again! Can you believe it? While erasing the board in school to do a math exercise. Yes, so random and so dumb activity, and I still got my shoulder dislocated. It wasn't during a P.E class or other physical activity, it was on a board. Because of it, I will have to fix it surgically. It was previously marked at the end of October and all the factors that could delay the data are combined favorably to maintain the day. So let's hope it works out in the end and I will never have to face the same dislocation again and again.

The catastrophic news is out for almost a month now…Jesse Lee Soffer is leaving CPD. It was a shock. It was the worst day of my life when I read the article on Instagram I was hoping this was some kind of fake news but when he confirmed…the world collapsed. How could they do it to him? It wasn't apparent that Jesse wanted to leave voluntarily, he was so delighted in being part of the crew. And upstead has just been married, they were finally happy and safe. I was angry and sad. They can't do his exit the most traumatic event in Hailey's life, poor her! He was supposed to take the leadership of Intelligence! He was going to be Dante Torres' mentor in Intelligence (two points: please, be welcoming and do not blame Benjamin Levy Aguilar for his leaving, it is merely a hell of a coincidence the actor/character entered in the season Jay/Jesse was being written off by the producers. Secondly, Jay/Jesse is the hottest and nicest man alive and will forever be but I have to say that Benjamin is hot and nice too. His smile and his abdomen…wow. Check his Instagram account for his photos.)

I watched the episode that aired on my birthday(I have always hated this date for personal reasons and traumas so now, unfortunately, his exit is an addition to the list) and I cried my eyes out. The only good thing that we had the pleasure to watch - for now hopefully - the last time Jesse's talent interprets Jay Halstead magically. The fight with the bad guy put me on a rollercoaster - which, if I remember correctly, it's his favorite scene to film. He was paralyzed after killing the man, the moment an avalanche hit him and he questioned himself about what path he was walking in, and having his woman have the most stunning and efficient eye-to-eye conversation. The nonsense thing was the conversation with Voight at the airport: what? Does Jay want to become Voight? I guess that he meant his wish to act the way Voight does was what he meant because if he indeed wants to become him, or the writers suffered brainwashing either don't know the show and the character they have been writing for the last ten years. Jesse killed his ass out of the episode. Tracy killed her ass out of the episode. My doubt was how they would build a decent exit after the mess they made but it was done completely in my opinion: he realized he was acting out of his character and his morals and the only alternative to finding himself again is taking a break from Intelligence and Voight's corrupt claws. Because now he has beneficiaries, he has the love of his life, he has someone waiting for him at home: Hailey. He has to be on his terms and morals to be the man Hailey fell in love with, her anchor, her true love. I didn't think the way to do it was to return to the Army, the institution that hurt him a lot and made him broken when he returned from Afghanistan, or leave the city and Hailey by herself though and this got me disappointed.

Anyways, I have read in a lot of social network chihards saying they will stop watching Chicago as soon as Jay leaves and some of them that are writers, saying they might stop writing fanfics too depending on how he leaves. I'm not judging anyone and it's understandable the reason why. I wondered for these last weeks about what would I do and I made my decision: I'm stopping watching Chicago ( I will watch scenes, however, when they mention Jay or a badass scene from Hailey; aside from that, I'm stopping) but I'm continuing writing. As I explained in my first chapter ever of why I started writing, it became some kind of therapy/distraction in my life, more than improvising and learning, on my own, a foreign language, it's a moment when I can write my traumas, thoughts, insecurities, happiness, or whatever sentiment I felt without being judged and where I have fantastic readers that support me or tolerate me and my long daydreams like this one. So I'll keep writing.

One more thing, Jay/Jesse were the reason why I started watching the One Chicago franchise at a moment when I almost give my life up. I have been through a lot of shit and I was at the bottom of my life, to the point to put an end to it when I saw him (Jay) on TV. Episode 2x03. His strength in that episode after having his friend shot in front of him and still putting his life at risk to save the city made me fall in love with him. Not just physically but personality. As the episodes went on, I reached episode 1 of the third season and there was the day he became my role model. He passed through a lot and still could move on with his life. So could I. That made me lift my head and soar myself from the ashes, and now here I am. It wasn't easy but I make it. He is the reason why I'm alive nowadays. He is the reason why I want to be a cop because of his values, as a fictional character and as a real-life person. So thank you, Jesse. Thank you, Jay.

Minor review of CPD 10x04 and x05 (contain few spoilers): the only scene I watched from the first episode is the introduction scene where they are instructing Torres and they mention Jay while realizing and looking out for Hailey. However, as I told you beforehand, due to the badass evaluation made on Twitter so I took courage and watched it the following morning. Despite being out of the place in his absence, Hailey and Tracy kicked the hell out of her centric episode when showing how destroyed and broken she was because she didn't have her partner, her husband by her side, diving into work as a form of distraction, putting the team away alleging she was fine and still handled, as better as she could, one of the cruelest and most perverse cases we probably have ever seen, getting hurt in the process and being obligated to watch Abby commit suicide after the speech she needed to hear and apply for her struggle. I have a feeling that this storyline is far from over and will continue to intrigue Hailey more and more until she can prove his guilt and put him behind bars and this Sean guy will cause more problems for her and Intelligence.

JESSE LEE SOFFER IS GOING TO BE THE DIRECTOR OF CPD IN SEASON 10, MOST PROBABLE EPISODE 16. WE PERHAPS LOST HIM AS THE CHARACTER BUT WE ARE WINNING BEHIND THE SCENES. HE HASN'T EVEN FILMED IT AND THE EPISODE HASN'T EVEN A RELEASE DATE BUT I'M CONSIDERING HIM THE BEST DIRECTOR CPD HAS EVER HAD!

RIP HAWKINS. Hanako kicked the ass out of her scene too. I was so certain and happy about Violet and Evan as a couple, they were so right to each other

References: Paralyzed by NF. Feel Something by Bea Miller. You're Somebody Else by Flora Cash. Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day. Silence by Marshmello feat Khalid. Old chapters of mine. Antonio Dawson's quote from CPD 4x08.

Trigger warning: bullying, minor description of rape, broken bone by torture, mention, and flashback of torture.

Anyways, I should stop the introduction and start once the chapter, right? So let's go!

8 missed calls from Kevin Atwater, Alvin Olinsky, Greg Gerwitz, Kimberly Burgess, Adam Ruzek, Trudy Platt, Antonio Dawson, and Erin Lindsay.

1 of 8 missed: Kevin Atwater

"Hey Sergeant, just to let you informed, Jay had a glimpse of a minute awake but had just passed out again. Me, Antonio, and Adam might have some influence on it. We need to talk with you. I called Alvin and he is driving to your house. Please talk to us."

2 of 8 missed: Alvin Olinsky

"Hey Hank, I tried to knock on your door but you didn't answer. Are you at home? Kevin told me Will talked to the nurses and they said you left the hospital crying. You don't need to pass through it alone. Neither did the kid. The kid needs you by his side more than ever, please don't disappear."

3 of 8 missed: Greg Gerwitz

"Hey Sergeant, sorry for disturbing you and for being inconvenient when you need to rest and recover but where are you? I know you need your time but as soon as you can, come here. I had seen Jay having nightmares and PTSD before but it's worse now. He reminds me of when we returned from Afghanistan where I dig myself…I don't wish it for anybody. He helped me once, it's time to retribute. Also, Erin is a wreck, I'm not sure for how long her stoic mask will endure and keep pushing her forward. We need your help."

4 of 8 missed: Adam Ruzek

"Hey Sergeant, maybe me, Antonio, and Kevin had screwed up with Jay. He woke up again but he isn't ok. It's weird. He is the Jay we know laying there but, at the same time, he isn't the Jay we know laying there. I'm apprehensive of how things will develop from now on."

5 of 8 missed: Kimberly Burgess

"Hey Sergeant, you must be tired of being told again and again that Jay is awake and isn't fine. They aren't exaggerating. He didn't recognize the boys, he thought they were Nathan's friends or whoever else alike that hurt him and were there to take him back…finish the work. No one knows how to proceed from now on…everyone is frightened of the next step. More than ever, we need to stick around each other, especially Erin. She is a wreck without you and Jay to hold her." sob

6 of 8 missed: Trudy Platt

Sob. "Henry Voight, where the hell are you? Your team needs their boss, their leader to pass through it. Chuckles needs you as much as he needs the team. He thinks you are dead because of him due to Nathan's manipulation and that's why the team abandoned him. We tried to say the contrary but he isn't believing. The only way to do it is if he sees you. Bring your ass over here or I will do it myself!" Sob.

7 of 8 missed: Antonio Dawson

Sigh "Hey Sergeant, I know you are struggling with your traumas and drained in unnecessary and unfair guilty but we need you at the hospital. To us look out for you and we look out for Jay. No one should be alone now, especially you and him. He was so manipulated by Nathan and into that dehumanizing hell that he is believing in whatever they told him. Like Stephen said in our first meeting by phone, he is losing himself little by little as if he already hadn't lost himself completely. We lost Jules, Jim, and Nadia. He can't be the next. The team won't handle much of his loss without falling apart."

8 of 8 missed: Erin Lindsay

"Hey, Hank. You promised us you would help us, you would help Jay recover. You promised Jay you would save him and take care of him once he was home. Now, where are you? The second time he coherently woke up, he asked how he was found and asked about the undercover Daniel's Steven Murphy and Nathan. He started blaming himself for supposedly requesting the narcotics and that he let me down because he could bring me down to addiction again, cheating on me many times and in front of you, making you get killed. After all the hell you two have gone through together and the months we passed apart because of that motherfucker, you should be here. I explained he hasn't ever once, requested drugs willingly, and even if he did, he wasn't himself, that his body was in an absence crisis, and that none of us was relapsing; I explained he didn't cheat on me because he was raped, it wasn't consensual and, knowing the moral and honorable ethical man he is, he would never cheat on me and I will be forever grateful of the universe for providing him to me and proud of the man he is; I explained you weren't dead, that photo was perfectly photoshopped to make it real and fool him. Then he asked me if he could see you. The team needs him, as a family member and a partner in the job if he decides to return once recovered. You need this to move on with your life and start the process of stop blaming yourself for this whole case. I need this, Hank, I can't lose the man of my dreams without losing myself in the process and dragging him down too. He needs this, Hank, so he can start moving on with his life away from Nathan. Please, return for us."

He wakes up.

He isn't sure if he wants to wake up or return to sleep profoundly for more hours or an eternity.

He isn't feeling someone forcing an entrance inside him or an object stimulating him. He isn't sure if it's a good sign or not though: they can be waiting for him to wake up properly to have their session properly.

He is laying on his back somewhere without raw handcuffs on his wrists and ankles nor a collar attached to his neck someplace above him or a circumference on his mouth due to a gag ball or a lightweight of the blind in his eyes or a penis ring coupled in his genital areas. He isn't sure if it's a good sign or not though: they can be waiting for him to wake up properly to torture him or take him elsewhere properly.

He analyzes mentally his body: although he doesn't know securely how much time had passed since his rescue, he can say the recovery is so far so good. He hasn't looked at his face in the mirror yet nor a view of his body but he can say it is awful due to the repeatedly constant beatings, the malnutrition, and the dehydration. The analgesics he is being injected with are doing their work in not making him feel the pain, however, he knows what pain feels like. He is used to it. He tries to sit upright and his broken ribs ache, the scratches of his burned mark under his belly button remind him of what he had been through, making him give in the process and let his body fall into the mattress roughly. He aches again and curses when the badly done scars and bandages covering his back from the whipping abrase the hospital's clothes seam, afraid of an infection's recidivism. He feels the tube from medications into his median cubital vein - among the illegal spots. Heavyweight plasters involve his right hand and his right knee, the bones shattered like glass by the hammer - but not as shattered as his heart and soul are. Nothing is more broken than his essence.

Would he recover a hundred percent, both physically and mentally? Would he be accepted back on his job, in the field that he is passionate about or would he be transferred to an administrative police session or be discharged for merit and courage in the line of duty or as a coward cop who isn't able to save himself, neither save his boss, from a psychopath bloodthirsty rapist and killer? What sane Chicagoan cop would want to work with his trouble magnetism?

Like a kid frightened of the dark due to the boogeyman's stories that lived under their beds told by their parents, he opens his eyes to the brightest and whitest room he has ever been in. His head screams in pain and he is forced to close his eyes and recover his breath. He isn't used to light anymore.

Upon opening the doors, the bright-lit and chic environment like solstice day is replaced by the usual darkest and poorest darkness that inhabits the house's basement, the simple endless staircase, lit by a single dim lamp swinging from side to side in a hypnotizing rhythm, led to an equally dark and frightening corridor but nothing out of the ordinary in the way of the prison of all the kidnappings in his life until the owner steps in front to open the right door in the dead-end corridor.

The sounds surrounding him aren't from a bunch of people partying upstairs, his inefficient struggle against the metallic restraints, steps approximating his door, his unstable rapid breath and heartbeat echoing in the small room, the squeak as the door is being opened slowly and revealing the tormentor of the time. He preferred the times they were with heroin to him.

"I need drugs."

He looks at his surrounding. No one is there. They obeyed him and left: not because he had some superior power to oblige them to do something but because they agree and see his worthlessness.

They told me how insignificant you are. How worthless you are. How you were always a burden to carry around. How bored they were about having you around. How they never considered you their family but, their merit, they fooled you so good you had believed. Let's be straight, boy, have you ever thought they loved you? Have you ever thought they care about you?

'I have always been good by myself, no one is obligated to deal with a piece of shit that it's me.'

He needs to pee. Urgently. He looks at the wall behind him in a search of a nurse button but he abruptly stops and gives up. Not only because he got astonished at confirming his broken hand into the enormous white plaster, just revealing the tips of his fingertips, but he also doesn't want to bother. How full was his floor? He, numerically, doesn't know affirmatively but for sure, the patients need more attention than him. He can handle himself, he had always done even when he didn't want to.

Apart from his terrible fear of hospitals - he has a bunch of bad experiences in those but he still gets himself into trouble which demands a rapid visit or a temporary hospitalization, this trace of his persona might have come as luggage from other lives and will continue accumulating and haunting his soul forever, he isn't feeling like himself.

Nathan ripped off his will to live. It isn't meant a suicidal idealization; see, he doesn't want to die because he is afraid of dying but he doesn't want to live because he is afraid of living, all he wants is to feel something like the old Jay Halstead would feel, like a person with untouched dignity would feel. Can someone explain, didactically, what is wrong with him, or is it a confidential secret? He is somebody else. Despite feeling more slight - what isn't a commemorable circumstance due to the episode, he externally looks like a deteriorated version of himself. He is trying to sound as similar to his old version would sound to not alert his acknowledges but he can hear someone else assuming his work and throwing the words out of his mouth, a burden, vulnerable, ashamed, numb, broken, unemotional, and paralyzed someone else whose dignity was ripped off the evilest way imaginable or unimaginable. He hates feeling this way but he can't contain it. His mind is overthinking. Where is the real him? He is lost and it is killing him inside. He must have left with all the faith and hope of improvement.

Despite his mother, he has learned from a young age that life is pain and unfairness, and loneliness, always walking at the edge of the borderline between what is fucked up and what is fine. He fought many of his struggles alone, he overcame many pains alone with people by his side either to demotivate him or humiliate him. Sometimes, he wished someone, a savior, was there to find him: transform him into the lover he rather is over the fighter of his lifetime. He has suffered a lot before, he had grown all the hurtful memories before, he was trained to withstand pain like it was nothing, he should be used to pain, both physically and mentally, but years of repetition and swallowing down his throat turns too much to handle. He had for a minimal period: Erin, but, of course, he lost her. Twice love and comfort gave him a home, a relief from his misery and he lost it. His job is gone. He lost himself.

Why do you just kill yourself? It would be better for the world!

How could you think anyone could love you? You are nothing but trouble!

Hadn't you realized yet everybody among you walks away and you are the motive, your insignificant kid!

He opens his eyes. He is alone, no one is there with him like he guessed beforehand.

On one hand, he feels frustrated, he doesn't deserve them and they deserve better than him, he would be ok having good company by his side before walking out. On the other hand, he feels relieved to let out a good cry in the circumstance he is most used to loneliness.

He enjoys the opportunity to cry out silently and control his heartbeat at the monitor to not accelerate too much and scream for nurses' help. He is feeling like he is about to do something illicit…he hopes to make it done before Nathan funds out or he will be punished…he can't handle another one.

Slowly but quietly and constantly when the blur in his vision vanishes, he throws his legs to the side of the bed. These movements cost him a lot of energy, running out of breath, and he is obligated to stop for a moment before continuing; he supports his bandaged hand on the bed and forces his battered body to sit down at the right edge of it. He reaches and pulls closer the serum support with his left hand to improvise a walking stick, groaning lowly with the torsion of his thorax, his right ribs being compressed while his left ones being stretched. Would his muscles be atrophied enough for him not be able to give a step before falling miserably on the ground, alerting the nurses of his illegitimate and dangerous independence and receiving reprimands from his incompetent tentative? He is frustrated with the low velocity he is taking to proceed in his ridiculous and simple act of getting up and using the bathroom. He swings his feet in the air, grazing the ground with his fingertips, breathing heavily through the pain, dizziness, and urge to vomit, and wondering how to get up on his own after months of not having the strength or the permission to do it.

"Why walk when you can crawl or be dragged back and forth? It's way more fun for me and degrative for you!"

His broken right knee was limiting.

"You son of a bitch! You tried to escape by hurting me?!" he wakes up at the sound of Nathan's screams, his back and head hurting the hell out of him where they land on the concrete wall behind him. "I'm going to make sure you don't attempt another time." the harmer comes unexpectedly at his right knee, shattering the bone and sending cold and hot shivers down his body. He screamed as loud as he could before he was grabbed and inserted Anderson's cock into his hole. He succumbed immediately.

He closes his eyes to hold back the flashback his mind wants to play and, supporting his whole fine weight into the supporter, he stands up. Shakiness, sweat, blur, dizziness, vomit, headache, pain…he feels a failure.

He feels like he is back at the hospital in Germany after the ambush in Afghanistan that killed everyone except him and Mouse, the first time he tried to stand up after the three-month coma he was submitted to.

He initiates his limping walk into the bathroom, step by step, little by little, sweating at the painful efforts in moving his battered body and nervous because of the adrenaline running through his veins about someone catching him in the act. He looks at his feet touching the floor, the trajectory he is tracing in search of obstacles that could make him misstep and fall, and how distant he is from the doorframe, a small individual concrete victory.

"Kid, what are you doing?"

"Where do you think you are going, bitch?" he, like a fish out of water, drags himself across the dirty ground of sperm and blood, struggling to get distance from his torturer, managing a meter away until he is stopped by a pair of hands on his ankles, pushing him back. He tries to sink his fingertips into any minuscule microscopic hole that exists but he is forced to turn onto his back, receiving a punch in his solar complex. He opens widely his mouth to try and scream, however, just growls hoarsely before a cock is introduced as the world fades to black.

He loses his balance at the scare and fear which overtook his body's control at the sound of the voice and falls to the bathroom's ground with a bang. He was caught in the act of disobeying an order! He will be severely punished!

"No, please, master! Don't hurt me! I'm sorry for my disobedience but I couldn't contain my bladder!" putting the unbearable pain aside and testing his battered body at the maximum, he cries out, vents his sorrow and curls up at a ball in the left door frame as the mysterious figure approaches. Instead of approaching quickly and severely yanking him by the hair, the figure gets down on his knees at the edge of the bed, speaking lowly and calmly:

"Jay, it's me, Antonio Dawson." he lifts his eyes and meets his friend and mentor inside Intelligence.

"Antonio?"

"Yes, kid, it is me. I came abruptly, sorry for it. You don't have to be afraid of me or anybody else, no one wants to hurt you and never will hurt you again." he lifts his head completely now, facing the struggling man who holds his tear back to not collapse above him.

"Do you promise?" he is hopeless about the veracity of his promise. He had heard it before from the few teachers who treated him and his injuries from the bullies and still he got hurt later; he had heard it from Mouse when he was at a suicidal downfall after he found out the two were the only survivors of the ambush and still he got hurt later; he had heard it from Erin once he returned from the recovery of Keyes' order and still, look at him currently, he got hurt later. The cold question seems to catch him off guard and break his heart like he was made of glass.

"As long as I'm alive, I will keep the promise." Dawson smiles shyly and comfortably, not feeling the last sensation himself. "Can I sit by your side? I'm not as young as I used to be to stay crouched like this." this time, he smiles genuinely and taps the space in his left side to the man accommodate himself there. They sit in deafening silence for a minute before the hospitalized man breaks it.

"I thought you were Nathan." he doesn't turn his head back to his friend, the peripheral vision catches his tearful dark brown eyes. "He got furious when I did something he considered wrong or disobeyed an order of his. He would curse me with many degrading nouns and adjectives, beat me pretty badly, or threaten to kidnap and rape a random person as punishment to teach me a lesson. The first time it happened was when I met Bunker before we moved to his mansion, I had a bit of an attitude with them, breaking George's nose in the fight and insulting both of them. They whipped me sixteen times, making me count each of them." he hears a sequence of murmurs of shit and son of a bitch from his best friend as his mind spirals back to the day.

CRACK! "One!"

CRACK! "Two!"

CRACK! "Three!"

CRACK! "Four!"

CRACK! "Five!"

CRACK! "Six!"

CRACK! "Seven!"

CRACK! "Eight!"

CRACK! "Nine!"

CRACK! "Ten!"

CRACK! "Eleven!"

CRACK! "Twelve!"

CRACK! "Thirteen!"

CRACK! "Fourteen!"

CRACK! "Fifteen!"

CRACK! "Fucking sixteen! Ahhhh!"

"Jay? Jay!"

"Sorry for zooming out."

"There is no need to apologize, Jay. You did nothing wrong. It's me who should apologize to you for announcing me the way did; I thought something bad and an emergency had happened or else, why do you were walking into the bathroom alone."

"I needed to pee. I didn't want to bother the nurses or anyone else with me when there are more hospitalized people down the hall who needs their help more than I do" and deserves "and I don't feel comfortable having a stranger looking at my bruised naked body any longer. I had enough of it for a lifetime."

"Jay, you aren't a bother to anyone" he opens his mouth to comment on this negativity but the Latino man didn't let be interrupted "despite what Nathan and his rapist friends told you. The nurses are here to help you, it's part of their jobs but I understand your shame in having a stranger do that in this intimate vulnerable situation of yours. Can I help you out or do you prefer me to call Erin?"

"Yes, you can help, please, if it isn't going to bother you."

"Helping my family out in whatever they need isn't and never will be a bother at all, is a pleasure, especially a guy I brought up after getting shot to save his girlfriend and my sister. If she is alive today, Jay, is because of you. I will be forever grateful for that." he gets up from the floor, wiping the tears out of his eyes. "I'm going to describe what I will do and where I will touch you so I don't freak you out again and let me know if something I say or touch hurts or triggers you. Is it ok for you?" Jay nods firmly.

"Thank you." Dawson extends his hand to the man on the floor grabs it and is pulled up slowly. "Can I hug you?"

"Of course bro, please."

"I love you, bro."

"Love you too." they stay like that for a few minutes, sobbing as the miss of each other calmed down for a minor percentage, but the sentiment is so huge that one hug and one conversation won't be enough to vanish it.

"I'm going to put your arm on the back of my head and my right hand on the right side of your lumbar so you can use me as support. Let me carry your weight." the older cop does the acts right after describing it, waiting a minute for Jay's approval of the touches made. Jay does exactly what he said.

The first thing Antonio notices is the weight loss.

Due to the Army's rigid training and requisites, he takes care of his physical build flawlessly, he is skinny but muscular, defined in the right places and proportions. The body is adequate to his lifestyle as a former Ranger and a police detective.

They have been in a similar situation when he and Adam carried Jay's beaten body away from Keyes' office to the ambulance outside the mansion after Erin saved him. At that time, he was fragile due to the night of malnutrition, dehydration, and the beating he took but he hadn't lost so much weight or muscles. Currently, the thin, muscular, and defined body is just badly defined thin due to the seven months of malnutrition, dehydration, and the multiple injuries he sustains. Climbing the balance, he probably weights the same as before because of the plaster on his hand and leg, not because of his body alone. The waist bone protuberance frightens him. He isn't flesh and bones. He is bones.

"Antonio?" his reverie is interrupted by Halstead's voice calling out his name. He looks at him. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure." he swallows his tears and prepares himself for the questions that might come.

"Where is he?"

"Nathan is dead, Jay, he can't hurt you anymore."

"Where is Voight?"

"He is alive but I don't know where. Yet."

Hope you liked this one! See you soon!