I don't wanna lose any more time
"Amy, where do you need me?" Derek asked standing in front of his sister at ER.
"You got the head lac in bed 3, right?" she asked.
"Yeah, that's nothing. I can jump in on this," he said pointing to her patient.
"No. I don't need you."
Derek was surprised by his sister's audacious answer and raised his eyebrows. It was clear that she was still mad at him.
"Is that good management, you leaving your star player on the bench?" he asked.
"You won't be for long. People are always hitting their heads on something."
Then she walked away and got into an exam room. Derek was open-mouthed. A month had passed since what he did and he thought had already forgiven him, but he was realizing she hadn't. In his opinion, she was starting to take advantage of her position as the head of neuro to punish him, but he was the chief of surgery.
He stood there for a few minutes, watching her working with some doctors. They were examining the patients who had fallen from a build. Amelia said something to the residents and half of them left with the woman while she kept examining the man.
"Chief Shepherd?!" Lexie called standing next to him.
Derek turned to her.
"There's a boy who fell from the tree."
He pursed his lips and had no choice but to follow the intern to the patient. He didn't want to do that. He hadn't become the chief of surgery to consult cases like that. Hadn't even noticed when Amelia left the exam room with her team and found out a familiar face at the nurse station. She went there. The intern in her case had told her the couple's daughter had arrived at the hospital.
"Sarah?" she risked the young woman's name.
She had brown hair and seemed worried looking around. When she realized Amelia was wearing a lab coat and was a doctor at that hospital, she was scared.
"What are you doing here?" she asked. "You're... A doctor?"
"Yes."
Sarah couldn't believe it.
"My parents, they were in a fire."
"Oh my god!" Amelia exclaimed in a whisper. "Oh, God. Okay. Um... This is what we know so far. Your father has some internal injuries and a leg fracture. Your mom has some bleeding in her lung and a cranial fracture. As her neurosurgeon, I'm gonna need to do surgery to..."
"Wait," she interrupted. "You... Want to do surgery on my mom? No."
Amelia was surprised by that answer
"No. I'm sorry, but no. No. I-I..."
The doctor frowned while Sarah turned to the nurse behind the counter.
"Excuse me. I need a different doctor. She... She cannot touch my mother!" she said pointing to Amelia. "It's not just... I need a different doctor right now!"
"Okay. Calm down. Let's just..." Amelia asked.
"NO! I WANT ANOTHER DOCTOR!"
At that moment Derek turned his attention and let Lexie keep his consult.
"What's the problem here?" he asked approaching.
"She cannot touch my mother." Sarah said desperate, "She's a drug addict. I can't have her operate on my parents!" she shouted.
Amelia felt like everybody was looking at her. Derek couldn't believe it was happening and tried to control the situation.
"Dr. Shepherd is our..."
"Is a junkie!" the woman said, "I met her in narcotics anonymous. She's hooked on oxy. She overdosed with her boyfriend and woke up with him dead in bed with her. I want another doctor. NOW!"
Derek looked at his sister, who was pale. He shook his head at her taking the patient's daughter with him. He didn't know it had happened in Los Angeles, but it was obvious the reason why she went to Seattle.
"Come with me..."
"You keep her away from them!"
"Okay, just come with me."
"You keep her away from them."
He left the E.R. leaving Amelia alone with everybody looking at her.
Katie got into her mother's office exactly at the moment she was changing the Harper Avery Award to another shelf. It was still weird for Addison to know that trophy was there. Every time she left home was like she was leaving something precious behind. Every time she was working and looking at it was like she had the obligation to work hard to worth it. She smiled when saw her daughter and walked to her to kiss her cheek.
"You should let it somewhere else," the girl complained. "It's for you."
Addison took the magazine Katie was giving her and smiled. It was the Science edition with her paper published. She opened it to take a quick look but was interrupted by the cell phone ringing on the desk. It was Amelia. She was surprised and answered it.
"Amy?"
She hadn't called in a while. Had just sent some e-mails.
"Addie... I gotta talk to you."
"There's something going on?" she asked letting the magazine on the table.
"Yes."
"What's up?"
"Did something happen to my father?" Katie asked.
"No, honey. Wait mommy in the living room, 'cause I need to talk to aunt Amy, okay?"
"Can I talk to aunt Amy too?"
"Okay. I'll call you."
Katie obeyed and left the office. After the door was closed, Addison sat in an armchair and come back a talk to her sister-in-law.
"I had a case in E.R. and the couple's daughter yelled at me 'cause she recognized me from N.A. She had yelled to everybody that she didn't want me to operate on her parents 'cause I'm a junkie."
"Wow…"
"She said it for everybody, they were all looking at me, Derek was there."
"It's good he was there."
"No, it wasn't 'cause he did what he knows better. Take advantage of people on the floor to piss them off. He said he would proceed with the surgery."
Addison closed her eyes not believing and sighed. She knew Derek wasn't happy with the case he had been having in there. He has commented on it with her almost every night he called, but she couldn't imagine he could be able to do it to his sister.
"Amelia, you're sober?" she asked.
"Addie, she said it in front of everybody…"
"Are you sober?"
"I am."
"You told about your addiction when you were hired?"
"I didn't have to. Derek hired me and he knew it already. I thought everybody knew it."
"Listen, you did nothing wrong," Addison said. "She did. She'd violated your privacy. You didn't have to tell anybody because it's personal, and you never did anything that compromised your job, did you? So, you don't have to talk about it with anybody."
"Okay."
"You have this right. This's your past and you don't have to spend your whole life saying I'm sorry for your past."
Amelia was silent for a few minutes and Addison respect it.
"I thought I should get rid of it," she said. "When I came here, I thought I had won a second chance."
She was silent for a few more seconds.
"But we never get rid of this."
"No. We never. I'm sorry," Addison said.
"What can I do now?"
"Keep going ahead, taking care of yourself, doing your job…"
"Thank you, Addie. You've always been better than the sisters I have."
Addison smiled.
"Take care."
After hanging up, she went downstairs to sit on the couch next to Ella.
"You've said you'd let me talk to aunt Amy..." Katie said.
"She wanted to talk about job, honey. She's busy now."
"Mommy, when we will see daddy again?" Ella asked.
"Daddy is busy too."
"But all these years?"
"Years? It's been so long since the last time we've seen him, but not years."
"But I'm missing him anyway."
"He's missing you too."
"Do you think?"
"Of course, Ella. Come here with mommy."
The girl walked to her mother and sat on her lap.
After some hours operating on Amelia's patient, Derek finally left the O.R. taking his scrub cap off. He wasn't intending to go to his office to get prepared for the meeting he had to attend with the board, but his cell phone rang in his pocket and he was surprised to see it was Addison.
"Hi, babe."
"Derek, what have you done?" she asked.
"I? What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about you stealing your sister's surgery!"
"What do you mean, Addison?"
"The daughter of her patient who told the whole hospital about her drug issues."
"Who told you this?"
"Amelia."
"And she told you I stole her surgery?"
"She had to say? I guess it's obvious, right?"
"What would I supposed to do?" he asked walking through the halls.
"Protect her," Addison answered. "She was being attacked."
"The woman was mad at her. If something went wrong in that surgery, she would blame her 'cause she's addicted."
"And now? What's going on with her?"
"I don't know, it went to the board and I have to tell them what happened."
"Will you protect her, won't you?"
"I'll try."
"Babe, don't do anything you're gonna regret…"
"I won't. I gotta go now."
He threw his cell phone in his pocket. He had to hurry up to meet with the board, which lasted almost an hour. When he left the meeting room, he was kind of scared. He went to Amelia's office. She was sitting in her chair with her head down, just waiting for the end of her shift, so she could live the hospital and go home. She was surprised to see him there and could feel he wasn't there to give her good news.
"I had an emergency meeting with the board."
"They're saying they're gonna take my job?" Amelia asked cutting him off.
She was really worried about it.
"You'll talk to them, right?"
"Amy... I..." he stuttered, "I think I might have given them the idea…"
Amelia was silent for a few minutes, trying to imagine what kind of idea Derek should have given the board members. She knew he was feeling guilty about something from the moment he got there, but she didn't want to believe he could do something to really harm her.
"Oh no, Derek..."
"I didn't... I didn't mean to..."
"Derek, no!" she exclaimed standing up.
"I'm sorry. I-I will fix it."
"They want to give you my job too, and you're gonna let them."
"No, I'm not."
"You son of a bitch. YOU SON OF A BITCH!" she yelled crying, "You kept me here! You asked me to come. You asked me to stay when I was building a life... A new life... A second chance that I had given myself just so that you could feel better about leaving."
"I was trying to help you, and I was trying to help myself."
"I was just tr... And you gave me this job, and you have abused me since the second I took it. But that is not enough. You need to destroy my entire career. How can you do this to me?"
"I will fi..."
"TO ME?!" she asked interrupting him.
"I will fix it!" he promised.
"HOW CAN YOU DO THIS?!"
"I will talk to them! I will talk to all of them, and I will fix it."
"You're my brother, Derek!" she shouted crying.
He nodded, guilty. He never wished her to know what was the pain, and now he was the one hurting her. He swallowed hard before leaving her office. Mark met him in the hallway.
"Derek! Here you are!" he said. "You know why there's a meeting with the heads of department and board to talk about Amy's case? This is compelling. I thought you should talk to them..."
"I'll fix it, Mark..." were the only words he said before walking away.
Mark stopped walking. He was surprised. He walked to Amelia's office. She was crying and he immediately approached to hold her hands.
"What's going on?"
"Derek wanted to stay with both jobs. Mine and his."
"It was a misunderstood. He's gonna fix it. He said he will."
"He did it, Mark," she said. "Why should I believe he will fix anything? Why would you believe he will?"
"Because he is your brother and we know him forever."
"That's why he can do it. It's why he could steal my toys and pull my hair and call me names. It's because I'm family. It's why he thinks he can get away with this."
Mark was silent. Amelia pursed her lips and shook her head.
"You don't get it."
"No. I don't. I was raised as an only child. And I'm historically not a good friend at all."
"You're here right now. That's good enough."
"That Derek... I don't know..." Addison commented while talking to Naomi. "I've always understood Derek's ambition, but he couldn't step backward in his career, he never could."
"You too."
"I know, but I've done it. Actually, I did it a lot when I left New York to live with him in a trailer in Seattle. Can you imagine it? Me, Katie, and him in a trailer smaller than this room, trying to share the bed? I'm not exaggerating, Nai. The trailer was this bed size!" she told touching her bed. "We couldn't move. Katie once woke up happy – I don't know how she could be happy there – but she jumps on the bed and I thought it was an earthquake."
Naomi laughed imagining the scene.
"How did you guys have sex there?"
"In a tiny tiny bathroom. You had no idea."
She laughed again.
"Derek can't say I didn't fight for our marriage. Neven, Nai, because I've been fighting for it until now, but I don't know til when I can do it."
Naomi was silent for a few seconds.
"What are you thinking?" Addison asked.
"I think if there's a time you should stop trying, you would know."
"How have you and Sam known?"
"I don't know... We just knew. I woke up someday and saw it wasn't worth being together anymore. When I thought about Sam, I could see there's any reason to stay with him."
"I don't feel like this yet," Addison said. "When I think about Derek, I remember we had a big and perfect marriage, with music, flowers… That we went through this! I remember everybody saying I was living a fairy tale with a perfect guy, and he was. Derek was perfect. He has always been perfect, and we had a perfect life, built perfect careers, and had a perfect daughter at the perfect moment. Everything was perfect."
She looked at the frame and observed her daughters' images there for a while.
"I'm just wondering if it's perfect for me, right? 'Cause even if I know I did a lot of mistakes, I really did, I think I never forgot him for throwing my fairy tale in the trash. Every single day in that trailer I felt like traveling in time to say no besides yes in that day, so I and my daughter could be happy with someone else," she told. "After our divorce, I hated him for being able to be happy with someone else making me feel like a failure! Even when I got pregnant again, I hoped it was Mark's, but it was Derek's and it was like destiny had grounded me for cheating on him.".
She was silent for a few seconds.
"I've taken so look to went through this, I let someone felt for me, but even if I've tried, and I did try, I couldn't get involved with Noah 'cause it was like my heart belongs to Derek Shepherd. It was like I was waiting for something that overcome everything I felt or lived with him. But I've noticed we were not young anymore, we shouldn't believe in fairytales, and perfect couldn't be part of my vocabulary. Then, sooner, he was there again."
She took the frame and showed it to her friend.
"He was there wanting our life back, wanting me back, wanting our family back. And I look at this man and think: We can do it. We can give our daughter a healthy family if we try. And I wanna try. And I decided to give him a second chance, not thinking it could be like the first time 'cause it must be better. It's the last chance, and if it doesn't work…"
She sighed.
"If it doesn't work it means I had two daughters with the wrong guy and lost 20 years of my life... No. My Derek has to be there."
She took the cell phone and dialed Derek's number. She waited for a few seconds, and he didn't answer.
"Derek... Girls and I… We love you," left a message.
Even if he had tried, Derek couldn't reunite the board members before the meeting with the heads of the department. He was worried about what could happen.
"So Robbins is tied up," Owen said.
"Should we wait?" Teddy asked.
"No, no..." Derek asked getting into the room.
"Well, Derek, we just need to figure out..."
"I know you're trying to figure out what's going on." he said interrupting Owen, "I know you've heard some stories about Amelia. I let you believe something. I let you believe that, uh..."
"Shepherd, you were pretty clear when we spoke, so..." said a board member.
"She's in recovery. She works really hard at it. She's been successful in recovery."
Richard just watched. Derek closed his eyes and sighed.
"This hospital should have protected her. This woman should have protected her. And... More importantly, I should have protected her. I didn't. And I didn't because I wanted her job." he confessed leaving everybody openmouthed, "I wanted my old job back. So now we're here. My fault."
"Derek, why did you even...?"
"She should stay where she is, Owen." he said interrupting, "She can do the job. She is doing the job. I couldn't do it any better."
Then he left the meeting room and walked to his office to take his things and come home. He didn't want to talk to anybody. But before that, he went to Amelia's office.
"You can't come to my office…" she said.
"Amy, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"Don't say you're sorry."
"I didn't mean to hurt you."
"I'm sure you didn't. I'm sure you didn't even think about me. You saw an opening, and you took it."
He shook his head.
"I have always wanted to protect you ever since dad died. I didn't want to. I'm sure you didn't want me to. But I promised. Then you came up here, and I realized... I didn't have to worry anymore. You were okay. You were fine. You were more than fine. You could... Take care of yourself now, and... I didn't need to anymore. I have to take care of my daughters now."
"You have."
"Maybe they need me more than you are."
"I needed you today."
Derek was silent with his head down.
"I don't know who I am anymore." he confessed, "Not anybody I ever thought I'd... I'd be. I try and make the right choices for Addison, girls, you. And, um... I'm angry all the time. I'm miserable, and I don't know what to do with it. All I do is hurt people."
He rubbed his nose.
"The last people I want to hurt, and I just..."
He paused to breathe.
"I just can't get control of it," confessed.
Was silent for a few seconds.
"I don't know what to do anymore."
Amelia nodded.
"I know how you feel. We call it Rock Bottom. You have to stay with people you love. You should come back to New York, Derek."
He kept his head down and nodded. She was right. Even if he was in a good moment of his career in Seattle, he wasn't comfortable enough to be happy. He has thought a lot about Addison and their daughters growing away from him. He left his sister's office not saying anything, and go home. Just looked for his cell phone when arrived there and wanted to call Addison, but it wasn't with him. He must have left it in his lab coat's pocket at the hospital.
Addison tried to talk to Derek during the whole week after what happened with Amelia, but she had no success. She didn't know if he was in D.C. or Seattle, and there was no one to ask for. Mark didn't know about his life, once he said he hadn't met him at the hospital. And Amelia didn't want to have any contact with him the last few days. The girls were missing him and had constantly asked their mother when Derek would come back to New York again.
"Mommy, you know you look like Ariel and daddy looks like Eric?" Ella commented after watching The Little Mermaid in her bedroom.
"True!" Katie agreed.
"We did?"
"Mm-hmm..."
"What you're drawing?" Addison asked looking at some colorful balls she drew on her paper.
"You, me, Katie, daddy, and a dog..." she said pointing to the paper. "This is our house."
Addison frowned at her draw. It was a square with some other squares inside it.
"Our house?"
"Mm-hmm... There's a room for you, for daddy, for Katie, for me, and for the baby."
"Baby?" Addison asked.
"Mm-hmm... That you and daddy will have when I was Katie's size."
"We'll have a baby?"
"Mm-hmm... A baby girl 'cause you will be pregnant, right?"
"Yeah, sweet, moms stay pregnant."
"And when daddies be pregnant, we got babies boys."
Addison giggled and shook her head.
"Mommy, when daddy will come home again?" Ella asked.
Addison was silent for a few seconds. She tried to look around, but Katie was also staring at her waiting for the same answer.
"I don't know yet, sweetie. But he's gonna be back soon."
"Really?" Katie asked.
"Yes."
They didn't watch the movie to the end – like always and slept on their mother's lap. Addison couldn't carry them both, so she woke Katie up and went upstairs holding after her while was carrying Ella. She put them in bed, and went downstairs to take the dishes to the kitchen, then come back to the living room and stayed there watching TV by herself.
It was good when the girls were sleeping. She liked to spend silent time thinking about what she had to do the next day. She was watching an interview with some singer she didn't really know when heard some keys on the door, then some steps approaching. It was Derek and he seemed exhausted. Addison frowned.
"What are you doing here?" she asked.
He left his bag on the floor and approached.
"So? You're gonna tell me what are you doing here that time? I've tried and couldn't talk to you all day."
"I don't know where I left my phone."
"You've lost your phone?"
"I did. I thought I should let it in my lab coat at the hospital, but I have no idea."
She wasn't really believing in it.
"You were in D.C.?"
"I was, but I got the first flight for here."
"You should wait until tomorrow."
"No. I shouldn't."
"No?"
"No because I can't handle it anymore, Addison," he said.
She remained silent.
"I can't handle being out of your life, living away across the country, listening to your ex-boyfriend telling how wonderful it was to see you getting the Harper Avery Award. It all makes me feel like he was in my place."
"I've called you..." Addison said.
"I know... I'm sorry I wasn't there on the most important day of your life," he said stroking her face. "I was stupid, selfish! I can't handle my capacity to mess up every chance you give me."
She was silent, almost not believing it was happening.
"Addie, I'm here because… We have to decide it! All this situation, this uncertainty, it's killing me inside. We can't step slow, we can't start again, we can't start dating in a night and have a family another day. I mean… We do have a family!" he said. "We have no time to waste, I don't wanna date you, I don't wanna long-distance relationship, I want you, and I want the girls every day, and I don't want you to take some time to think better and give up on me to be with that guy with his speeches about hearts…"
She giggled.
"How can I make a speech about my job if I work with brains?"
Addison giggled shaking her head.
"I don't wanna lose any more time. I'm coming back to New York, I'm coming back to our home, I'm coming back to our life."
Addison smiled and approached to kiss him. Even if she knew it was hard for him to decide, she could feel he was being honest. Derek's hands touched her waist and scruff while he was kissing her passionately. They'd just stopped when heard Ella's voice.
"DADDY!"
She approached them and Derek took her kissing her cheek.
"You were kissing mommy's lips?" the girl making them embarrassed.
"Yes, honey. I was kissing mommy's lips."
"Cause you're her boyfriend?"
"Mm-hmm... I am more than that."
"You are what?"
"Mom and dad," He answered. "Why you're awake this time?" Derek asked.
"Because I'm thirsty, and I went to mommy's bedroom and she wasn't there."
"Huh! So lets to the kitchen and get some water," Derek said walking to the kitchen with his daughter in his arms. "Then daddy will put you to bed."
"But I wanna sleep with you."
"Oh no! You're gonna sleep in your bed, and I'm gonna sleep with your mom."
"But you have a big bed like this..." said Ella opening her arms to demonstrate when Derek put her sitting on the counter.
He opened the fridge and took a glass of water.
"We can sleep together."
"Take your water."
She drank.
"You're a brave girl, you know?" he said touching her knee.
The girl shook her head still drinking the water.
"You are!"
"But I wanna sleep with you anyway."
"But you have to sleep in your bed, like your sister."
"Pleaseeeee, daddy…"
Derek couldn't resist that glance.
"Please," she asked once again.
"Okay, but it's gonna be the last time."
"Yup!"
They went to the living room, where Addison was waiting for them.
"This little lady here is gonna sleep with us, Addie."
Addison just scratched her head but smiled at them. They went upstairs, Ella slept for a few minutes hugging her mother, and Derek touched Addison's face. She seemed tired and he was comfortable being there with her.
"I heard you were nominated for the Sages..." he commented caressing her temple.
Addison just nodded remembering she didn't even read the e-mail to the end.
"Congratulation..."
"Thank you."
They were silent for a moment.
"You're good?" he asked.
"I don't wanna fight, Derek. I've had a tiring day 'cause they had a lot of energy. I have to sleep," Addison said. "You arriving here now, saying all these things, it was beautiful, but we have to talk about a lot of things. Kiss me."
He approached and pecked her lips.
"Good night."
Addison closed her eyes, hugged Ella, kissed her forehead, and relaxed to sleep. She shivered when Derek's arm hugged then and he kissed Ella's shoulder. It was good to have him home. Somehow she feels protected.
Next morning they woke up with Katie calling. She was surprised to see Derek was there and wished she was awakened when he arrived home.
"Dad! Dad, you come back!" the girl said making him wake up.
Addison opened her eyes.
"Good morning, princess," Derek said kissing his daughter's face. "What time is it?"
"07:00 I guess. What time had you arrived?"
"Later. You were sleeping," Derek said sitting on the bed.
"And why haven't you woken me up?"
"You were sleeping, honey."
"I was missing you so much," she said hugging him. "May you stay here with us all day?"
"I may. Do you think mom could ask someone to replace her at work, so we can spend the day together?"
"Can you mommy?" Katie asked.
"Honey, I don't know... But let's sleep, I'm tired."
Isabella wiggled in her mother's arms and sat on the bed with her hair messed.
"Daddy..."
"Hi, sweetheart. Come here, let's cook something and let your mom sleep," Derek said getting up with his youngest daughter.
They left the bedroom and Addison covered up again. After helping Ella brush her teeth, Derek went downstairs with the girls and let them help him to make breakfast. They had to go to school but didn't want to do it because wanted to stay at home with Derek. He wanted to be alone with Addison, so he insisted and helped them to get dressed for school and was the one who drop them off.
When he come back Addison was still sleeping. It's been a long since the last time she could sleep like that. Derek smiled while sitting next to her and bent down to kiss her. Addison moaned like complained, but couldn't avoid kissing him back.
"Derek, wait..." Addison said in a breathless voice when he got into the sheets with her.
"I was waiting to be alone with you..." he said kissing her neck.
"We have to talk..." she said pulling his chest.
"We're gonna talk after this."
Addison didn't let him kiss her again, then he sat next to her when she sat on the bed.
"You've called me the whole week?"
"I have."
"And any of these times Meredith answered my phone?"
She was surprised to notice that he knew that even if he had said he lost it during the whole week.
"Yes."
"I can explain," he said.
She crossed her arms.
"Okay."
They were silent for a moment. Derek knew she was mad, but still hated when she hoped for him to do or say something and didn't say exactly what she wanted. It was her passive-aggressive mood.
"Say something, Addie..."
She raised her eyebrows.
"You've said you can explain and I'm waiting."
He was embarrassed and she noticed it.
"Well, I really didn't know where should I take my phone after all that history with Amy in the hospital. I thought I should let it in my lab coat pocket, but when I went there, it wasn't there."
"And you didn't find it until today? I've tried to talk to you and you haven't answered."
"No. I haven't found it. I think Grey had, that's why she answered your call. I guess I let it in an O.R."
"And if you're not without your phone, how did you know Grey answered your phone when I called?"
"When I decided to come back to New York I went to my mother's house, I called Mark, and he told me you had called and talked to Grey."
Addison remained silent. Derek waited for her to say something, but she didn't.
"What's up, Addie? You're looking at me like I'm lying."
"No. If you're telling me, I believe in you. It's okay," she said. "I just… There's anything you wanna say?"
"I've said everything I wanted to say. This's what happened, I'm not lying to you," he said. "If you want you could call Mark…"
She kept silent. Derek hated it on her. Maybe it was the worst thing she could take from her family. The capacity to screw someone's mind with silence.
"Addie..."
"I'm sorry, Derek, but it's like you come back 'cause you knew I would be mad with that call," she finally said what she was talking about.
"No! How could it be? When I knew about it, I was in New York already. You have no reason to be worried. I'm here."
She pursed her lips and sighed.
"I don't wanna fight..."
"Me either."
"And I don't wanna you to come back to Seattle," she confessed. "I know I used to say for you to stay there if it's the best for your career, but I have to tell you this is not what I want to. We never had a relationship like this, this is not the way we finish a relationship after 20 years.
"Finish?" Derek asked. "Do you think we're coming to the end? Because I don't think like that. I'm trying, Addie."
"I'm trying too."
They were silent for a moment.
"Look, I'll send some e-mails to the neuro department at Mount Sinai and maybe I could take my job back, what do you think?" he asked not looking at her.
Addison looked into his eyes knowing it wasn't exactly what he wanted but he was doing a big effort to do it.
"Should I come back home?" he asked.
She remained in silence, opened her mouth, pursed her lips, and sighed. She didn't know what to say. She didn't even know why he was asking. He should just say he was staying. When he asked was like she had the power to say yes or no and she didn't like to decide things.
"I would love it. I know we can live like this forever, but it's not what we've dreamed about. I dreamed of us together. I want you here and I know you want me there either, and that one of us will gonna give up sometime, but…"
"Owen Hunt is the new chief of surgery," he informed.
He didn't want her to feel guilty about his decision. Of course, it was difficult to take that step back in his career, but he wasn't happy in Seattle without them, just like he wouldn't be in New York in a small position, but he did believe that it was easiest to overcome it if he knew they would be at home at the end of the day.
"I've got an agreement with people in D.C. and now that I'm living on East Coast I will travel less."
"You're gonna have more time for your clinical trial."
"And for us. How's the head of neuro at Mount Sinai?"
"Kenzie Adams."
"Really? Nothing changed there?"
"Vivian is the chief of surgery. I'll talk to her."
"I don't need you to find me a job position, Addie. I'll talk to her."
Addison nodded, she knew he wasn't happy, so she opened the first drawer of the bed table and took a folder to give him.
"What's this?" Derek asked talking about the folder.
"Open it."
He opened it and shivered when reading it. He had taken them to her some months ago and she hadn't told him she had signed them.
"I signed the day you let me, I always knew I wanted you in my life, Derek. I just wanted to know if I could let you know it, or if at any moment I should throw it into the trash."
"So we've been married?"
"Since the day you gave me these papers? Yes."
He smiled and got closer to kiss her, then hug her.
"Thank you."
"I love you," she said before kissing his cheek.
"So, now you're Mrs. Shepherd again?"
"Montgomery!" she corrected. "Dr. Montgomery. I won't sign as Shepherd anymore."
"Why?"
"Because I don't want to be a Shepherd after everything your mother said to me in Seattle. I won't put effort to please her or anybody this time. Our family is the four of us. I am I, you are you, and Katie and Ella have a bit of us. They are Montgomery-Shepherd, I'm not. And also… I don't want to replace all my docs again."
He smiled shaking her head.
"I'm sorry for not letting you have the time to make a bachelor party, dr. Shepherd, but you are my husband again."
They laughed together and Derek stroked her face. He was happy she had signed it, so change name wasn't important at all.
"I have a lot of plans and one of them is to buy a new house."
"A new house?" Addison asked surprised.
"Yes. Brownstone is small for us. We should leave here in a long. Remember when we moved here it was perfect for both of us? But we always thought we should move when we have a kid. Then we had Katie, but it was just her and we could stay. Now we have Ella and the house became small for us. They need more space, and I've always imagined they running through the house…"
"What are you thinking?"
"I don't know… A penthouse…"
She smiled and hugged him.
"What is happening to you?" she asked pecking his lips. "I thought you would suggest we live in your trailer in the middle of Central Park."
Derek laughed.
"I wanna build a house in my land in Seattle. You know I always wanted to build my own house," he commented. "I know you don't wanna live there, but we don't have to. I'll build a house there, but we could find a good house here in New York."
"Where Nancy lives…"
"Faaar away from any of my sisters, please…"
She giggled.
"I can't imagine what your mother will say when you tell her you wanna move to a penthouse."
Derek giggled.
"She is good with this."
Addison raised her eyebrows. Derek straighten. Carolyn should think it was her idea.
"I told you I'd spent the day with her before going here?" he asked. "I've told her everything I was thinking, everything we were living…"
"Derek!"
"I've told her everything was making me feel incomplete for being away from you and girls."
"You shouldn't."
"You know what she told me?"
"Huh?"
"If you have a problem with your wife, come your ass back home and fix the problem."
Addison was surprised and giggled. Derek approached to kiss her.
"After we pick them up at school, we could tell them I'm going to stay."
"They will put this house upside down."
"They will. We could go to Central Park, 'cause they couldn't put Central Park upside down."
Addison giggled.
Katie and Isabella were sitting on a colorful bench, laughing together while watching something on Katie's cell phone. They were waiting for someone to pick them up, and when they saw their parents together, they smiled and waited for them to approach.
"You both came!" Katie said.
"Yes, 'cause we're going to eat something at Central Park today."
"YUP!" they shouted getting people's glances.
Derek pulled her younger daughter and Katie held her mother's hand. Ella started to talk about her day while they went walked from school to the point Derek had parked the car. He drove to the park and before they went to eat something, Derek suggested that they sat on a bench to have a conversation.
"So, Katie, Ella... Mommy and I get to talk to you," Derek said holding their hands.
Katie pursed her lips and stopped breathing for a few seconds.
.
"Katie, we have to talk," she said. "Look, you're a child, but you're the smartest girl I've known and you can understand a lot, right? So, your father and I are gonna tell you what's happening."
.
Before her father go ahead, she ran away, leaving her parents and sisters not understanding. Addison stood up not knowing if she had to go after her or stay with Ella.
"Hold on… I will…" said Derek.
He ran, still wondering why she had reacted like that.
"Katie! Wait, Katie!"
.
She looked at Derek, who kept silent. Then she turned to her daughter.
"Well, dad and I, we thought a lot and we've decided that we'll be just friends now. Each one in their houses, living their lives, what didn't mean we're gonna be away from you, of course, but…"
.
Katie wiped her tears but kept running.
"KATIE!"
.
"What do you mean?" Katie asked in a sad voice. "You're divorcing?"
Derek swallowed and finally got closer.
"Honey, get a divorce didn't mean we're fighting, didn't like each other anymore, or that we won't take care of you, you know? We're gonna be friends because we have you and we love you."
Katie hung her head and blinked to let the tears slide down her face.
"Oh, come on. Don't do that," Addison asked.
"How about Meredith?" the girl asked in a sad voice.
.
"KATIE, STOP RUNNING! YOU'RE GONNA…"
.
"What about Meredith?" Derek asked.
He was surprised by that question.
"You're getting a divorce because of her, right?"
They were both surprised.
"Hey, who told you that?" Addison asked trying to be friendly. "No, it's not her fault. It's… It's our fault, okay? Sometimes people don't wanna live together anymore and they live in their own houses."
"And why you guys don't wanna live together anymore?" Katie asked. "And where I will live?"
"With me," they both replied at the same time.
That let her confused.
"You're going to live with me," Addison replied.
The girl looked at her father and Derek nodded. He didn't feel like he could ask anything after all.
"Only us?" she asked looking at her mother.
"Yes."
"But you just know to cook one thing."
"We will make it, sweetie."
Then she turned back to her father.
"Dad, we'll live by ourselves, but it's just for a while, right?" she asked hopefully. "Then you guys will make up and we'll live together again, right?"
.
"KATIE, STOP RUM! LET'S TALK, PRINCESS!"
The girl kept running among the people who were walking in the park.
.
"No, princess, it's not for a while. But you can sleep with me whatever you want to."
"Yeah, honey. You'll spend some time with your father, then with me."
"But not with Meredith, right?" the girl asked.
"With Meredith too," Addison replied surprising Derek. "Because she likes you and your father is her friend."
Then the girl got closer to her father.
"What if I'm crying in the night and you're not here?"
"Then your mother will be here to protect you," he replied.
"What if she's also crying?"
Derek faked a smile and Addison knew it was hard for him to deal with that. So she pulled Katie and sat her on her lap.
"Honey, you're right. We're sad, okay? You're right. But we'll get over it, and whatever happens, you'll always be our daughter and it'll not change. Never."
.
She looked behind to see how near her father was and bumped against someone, and fell on the floor.
"Oh my god!" the woman shouted.
She was exercising at the park and was scared to see the little girls on the floor.
"Katie!" her father shouted.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, sir. I couldn't stop…"
"Katie, you're hurt?" Derek asked bending down to check on her.
"I'm sorry sir..." the woman said again.
"It's okay," Derek said. "Come here."
He pulled her daughter to help her to stand. Then took some hair from her face.
"Are you hurt?"
She shook her head. Was about to run again, but Derek held her.
"Katie, where are you going?" he asked trying to stare into her eyes.
"I'm letting you before you let me again," she said crying.
Derek felt like his daughter was crushing his heart. He wasn't expecting to listen to it and had no idea what she was talking about.
"Princess... Come here," he said pulling her by the hand to make her sit on his lap.
She held her hands, and lowered her head, leaving her black hair on her face to hide her tears. Derek put them behind her ears.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
The girl didn't answer.
"You can't run away while people are talking to you."
"May I live with you in Seattle?" she asked.
Derek frowned, not understanding what she meant.
"Live with me?" he asked. "Why? You don't like to live with your mother?"
"I do, but I prefer to see you every day."
Derek was surprised. Then he stroked her face.
"Princess, your mom would be mad if you say this to her."
"But I do. I don't wanna stay away from you. I don't want you and mom broke up," she said crying.
"We won't break up."
"You will, 'cause this is how you talked to me when you broke up the first time."
Derek finally understood and squinted keeping his tears.
"Oh, princess..." he hugged her. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for let this memory in your head. I know you've lived a lot with me and your mother lately, but…"
She remained silent, looking at her father.
"But what we were about to tell you there's nothing with broke up. We're gonna tell you that I'm coming back to New York, that I'm gonna live here with you and your sister, and that we were thinking about buying another house…"
The girl raised her eyebrows in surprise.
"Really?"
"Yes."
She hugged her father tightly and Derek stroked her hair.
"Princess... Look, I once thought my career was everything," he said looking into her eyes. "But I was wrong 'cause you… You, and your sister, and your mother… You are everything," he said touching her face. "I love you, Katie, and I can't live away from you. I don't wanna live away from you."
The girl let a tear slide down her face. Derek kissed her cheek, then hugged her for a few seconds.
"I will never live away from you again," he promised.
Then let her sit next to him, and was silent for a few minutes.
"Wanna cotton candy?" he asked.
Katie just shook her head and they kept silent.
"So? How are things at school?" he asked wanting to change the subject.
"Cool."
"You're still the best?"
"Mm-hmm. My science teacher told me I should come to NASA camp, but mommy doesn't let me 'cause it's in Alabama."
"And you wanna go?"
"I do!"
"I'll talk to her then."
The girl smiled.
"And your friends? You have a lot of them?"
"They are the same I had before I go to Seattle. There's just a new girl from London and she has a funny accent. Her name is Samantha, but I call her Sam."
"Nice name."
"Yeah... Mommy never let me sleep at her house, but she let me play there after school once and I met her older sister. She has a lot of makeup, such as mom, but she let us wear them."
"But you're not old enough to wear makeup."
"Why not?"
"Because you're a child."
"But I wanna be her age. She's not a grownup or a child, you know?"
"She's a teenager."
"I guess. She's so cool and she used to tell us a lot of history. Did you know she has a boyfriend?"
"Huh... But you can't think about having a boyfriend, young lady."
"I know. Urg! I think I'll never have a boyfriend, 'cause boys are disgusting."
"Yes, boys are disgusting," Derek agreed.
"You're the only good boy I know," Katie said hugging her father.
"Yes. Dad must be the only good guy you know. Now let's come back there 'cause your mother must be worried."
"Okay."
They returned and met Addison and Ella again.
"Honey, what happened? Why have you left like that?" Addison asked touching her face.
"Nothing," Derek said.
"How nothing, Derek...?"
"We're gonna talk about it later," he said. "Let's talk now?" he asked sitting next to Ella. "Because daddy and mommy have something to tell you girls."
"What?" Ella asked excitedly.
Katie just lay down her face on her father's chest, once she has already known about the news. Addison and Derek told Isabella and the girl was excited. They finally went to a cafeteria to eat something and plan the future.
When they finally came back to the brownstone, Addison asked the girls to do their homework. Katie had never had any difficulty. So she finished it all quickly and sat next to her father. Ella sat on her mother's lap to listen to her reading the book that her teacher had sent as her homework.
"Huh... There's another book for you," Addison said. "Are you liking books?"
"Yes."
"Okay, so let's read another book."
Derek watched proudly. He loved their life.
"In the world, there's a lot of countries, with lots of people, more than 7 billion people.
People who lived in England had a real queen. The ones who live in England are British.
People who live in Spain like to wear red clothes. The ones who live in Spain are Spanish.
People who live in Italy love to eat pasta. The ones who live in Italy are Italian.
People who live in Mexico had nice hats. The ones who live in Mexico are Mexicans.
And there are people who live in America, and they love to eat fast food. The ones who live in America are…?"
"Us!" Ella answered.
Addison and Derek both laughed.
"American, baby."
Derek stood up and walked to the opened windows to watch the street. Addison kissed her younger daughter's face and read another page of the book. Derek walked to his wife and kissed her cheek before going upstairs. In some minutes Addison went there.
"What's up?" Derek asked while his wife stood next to him.
"Katie didn't want me to help her with her homework. She's been there lately. She does everything by herself."
"And what's wrong with this?"
"It's weird, Derek!"
He seemed not to understand and kept looking at his wife.
"You know...?! We know someday they will stop to kiss our face every moment, that will cover themselves up, will lock the bathroom door, will learn to study by themselves, that will get a call for them not for us, will turn on the microwave to warm their own mug of milk, that will even cook their own food…" Addison said. "One day they won't ask us to buy their stuff, won't let their toys through the halls 'cause they won't play with them… We know it's gonna happen. But I don't want it to happen, you know? I wanna read their book for them, I wanna hold her hands to write something... I don't want them to grow."
Derek smiled and stroked her face.
"They're growing and we are not noticing it," she told. "Oh, Derek, I'm missing them already," she confessed hugging him. "I'm missing putting them to bed every day, I'm missing Katie in my bed, her letters from Mother's Day… I don't want Katie to grow up. I'm feeling like we had a lot of problems last years that I've forgotten to enjoy my daughter's development. She's so mature!" she said. "When she was a baby we were working, when Ella was a baby I was running my clinical trial…"
"Addie..." he interrupted. "They'll grow old if we are around or not. And Ella… She's technically a baby."
"She is 3."
"A baby."
"I know, but I'm missing Katie as a baby too," she said crying. "Of course, I love what she's becoming, I'm proud of her, she's so smart, but… I can't carry her anymore, Derek!"
Derek giggled about his wife's drama and hugged her tightly before smelling her neck. It was good that they had the same height.
"She has to grow up, and… She will grow up," he said. "In some years she will go to college, live alone… We can't stagnate her development. We had to be proud, and support her. That's why I'm here. 'Cause I don't wanna waste any stage of their development."
Addison wiped her tears and smiled staring into his eyes. Derek pecked her lips.
"I'm proud of you," Addison said stroking his face.
"Of me? Why?" he asked
"Because of everything. Your clinical trial is doing great, you're the surgeon you've wished to be, you're the best father in the world for them, and mostly because…"
She was silent for a few seconds, asking for a better way to describe it.
"Kath told me once that, in your family, since your father died, you have this thing in common. You walk away."
"She has said this?" he asked.
"She had, and I've noticed this, of course. But you're not running this time. You're giving up something to stay with us. For the first time, you're stepping back on something. You've never done it before."
"I always said we just know what love is when we have kids."
"Yeah..."
He was silent for a few seconds, looking at her big eyes.
"Addie, I can't let us break up again," he said. "I can't see my daughters grown up on a screen, I can't lose my family, I don't wanna waste any more time. I wanna teach them to play soccer, and baseball. Katie plays so well! I wanna watch ballet recitals, piano, and let them make my face up just to make them happy. I don't have to make a difference in medicine, I want to make a difference in their life. They're gonna make the difference in the word."
Addison just smiled.
"I want you."
She smiled again and kissed him in a passionate way.
"I'm so happy you're here," she confessed.
Derek kissed her again, taking her bed. They weren't expecting it when the door opened and Katie came in.
"May I sleep here with you?"
"Of course, honey," Derek said surprising Addison.
He has always been the person who didn't like to have the girls in their bed, especially when they were starting something sexual. The girl climbed on the bed and lay down between her parents.
"You were having sex?" she asked surprisingly and making them ashamed.
"What?" they asked.
"Sam's sister said when two grownups are alone in the room, they have sex."
Derek was open-mouthed.
"And what have you known about sex?" he asked seeming scared. "You are not old enough to know about sex."
"I don't know anything, because Sam's sister said we're not old enough to know about sex either."
"And you won't go to Sam's house again, okay?" Derek said.
"But dad..."
"Don't dad me."
"Now you know why I don't let them go to their friends' houses. I prefer them to come here," Addison commented. "And you said I'm so rude…"
"But what had I done?"
"Shhhhh..."
They put their PJs in the closet and came back to bed to lay with Katie. Ella opened the door a got into the bedroom bringing a pencil and paper.
"Mommy, I'd like you to write my letter to Santa," Ella said climbing their parents' bed.
"But honey, we have a lot of time for Christmas," Addison said.
"But he'll need some time to get what I want."
"And what do you want?" Addison asked.
"Daddy living here forever."
Derek shivered and looked at his daughter.
"But you don't have to waste your wish with this 'cause I am going to live here forever, you know why?"
"Huh?" Isabella asked.
"Dad and mommy have married again."
Ella smiled. Katie was surprised too and sat on the bed to look at her parents.
"Really?"
Addison and Derek just nodded.
"YUP!" they shouted.
"I will say to everybody that mom and dad are married too!" said Ella.
Addison looked at her younger daughter and let a tear slide down her face.
"Ella, you said mom and dad, baby," she said. "I do prefer you to still say mommy and daddy."
Isabella lay down next to her mother and hugged her. Katie lay down too and Derek hugged them making them feel protected.
"Tomorrow you're gonna go with me to a jewelry store to buy your mother a ring, once she had thrown ours in the sea!" he said.
She giggled.
"Mom, why you did do this?" she asked.
"I didn't know what to do!"
"Because she's evil with me…"
"Derek…"
"It's true. Haven't you thought about me when you threw our rings?"
"Will you forget it someday?"
"Of course not. You know how much money I had to save to buy that engagement ring for you? Katie, Ella, daddy has saved a lot of money to buy her a diamond to propose to her, and she threw it in the sea."
"Poor dad," said Ella.
"Yeah… Poor dad, right honey? And then I have to buy the marriage ring…"
"It's gonna be like this forever?" Addison asked.
"What?" Katie asked.
"He using his charm to make you be on his side and against me?"
Derek laughed.
"But I'll tell you guys I love her anyway."
"Oh, you do?" Addison asked.
"I do. And I'll try to make them reproduce our original rings 'cause I have mine."
"Go to hell, Derek."
"Mommy!" Ella scolded.
They laughed.
THE END