Part Eight

Now Brienne could not stop any longer and she had to look at Jamie. She did not care about hiding the irritation in her voice.

- Since when has it become your business whom I sleep with?

Jamie's voice was like silk, his face shone with pure innocence even though the smirk on his lips was talking about something totally different.

- I simply care about you...

Brienne shrugged her head on a fairly annoyed way.

- It is much more than some kind of friendly care. What do you want? What the hell do you want from me?

- Should I want anything from you? – Jamie was laughing with some kind of arrogance - My sister is the queen, I have everything and I could have even more.

Brienne was angrier and more annoyed with every second and she felt she would explode in any moment. Somewhere around her throat cold hands were strangling her and even breathing and swallowing gave her sharp pain.

I hate you, Jamie Lannister.

Here I am again.

I used to hate you before I knew you and your true face, but now I hate you again, you heartless son of a bitch. And I hate myself for feeling hate for you, for allowing myself to love you, to crave for you, to fight for you. You are here again, making fun of me, hurting me with words and that disgusting arrogance you have always been famous for.

Brienne did not even notice when and how she slid off from her horse, or when and how Jamie slid off his horse to stand in front of her.

All she noticed was when she slapped his face hard, then pushed him aside with as much power, vehemence and fury as she was able to. She was out of control, she knew that very well, but she decided not to care about it anymore. She had swallowed too much by then, she had enough of him and his stings.

Jamie flew a few metres away from her, crashing on the ground with little puffs of dust and ground flying around him for a long minute. He stayed on the ground, staring at her, surprised and shocked as if he had been unable to believe his own eyes what she had done – but his shock and astonishment was nothing compared to her own.

Brienne felt devastated.

Goodness, what have I done? I hurt Jamie, and I betrayed myself in front of him. A real knight would never lose his head, a real knight would never hurt someone unarmed, especially not a man with one arm only. He did not want to kill me or something, he did not threaten my life and I should have never hit him.

She felt that all her blood ran into her face because of deep shame.

I wish the earth would devour me at this really moment.

- I am so sorry, Ser Jamie. I did not mean to hurt.

Jamie was watching her with a soft smile – the smirk had already disappeared without a trace. He did not seem to be offended or angry with her at all, yet he did not try to get on his feet. He was staring at her with curious eyes, as if he had studied her like a special, unknown before animal or plant. She had always been able to remain her composure, even in the middle of dangerous circumstances, he thought, except now when she even attacked him.

- You meant to hurt me but I deserved it.

Brienne gave up trying to defend her act. She did not want to make the situation become even worse.

- Let me help you... – she reached for his hand and pulled him up on his feet.

- Thank you.

Brienne looked into Jamie's eyes shyly. It was so challenging for her to keep eye contact with him now.

- Could you forgive me?

Jamie was staring at her with peculiar tenderness. His right hand lifted for a moment as if he had wanted to caress her face but she knew it was only her desperate imagination – especially after hearing his reply.

- Of course, Lady Brienne. I will always forgive you, no matter what. We are both knights, you remember. You are like a brother to me and you cannot be angry with your own brother for longer.

Hearing his last sentence, her heart shrank and tore into pieces.

We made love so many times, you held me so close and you showered me with so many kisses, and now you say I am like a brother to you? I wish you would laugh at me now and confess that you are joking.

But she could see that Jamie was not joking. He looked at her with a soft smile, but his eyes were serious and calm. That passion he had had in his eyes during their passionate nights together disappeared since then.

She turned away from him and walked to her horse to get back on. She wanted to conceal her pain and disappointment away from Jamie and she fought hard to swallow her tears back into her throat. No matter how many dreams she had been pampering since he left her, now all those dreams were killed and she was so angry with herself for being so weak, so sensitive like a stupid girl.

Jamie did not say a word, he jumped back on his horse and they continued their journey in silence for a while. He seemed to give up talking to her, at least until he could see that she became calm and well-balanced again, but she appeared to remain sulky and bad-tempered during the day. Brienne thought that Jamie decided not to make her angry again and she was grateful.

By sunset they could cover quite a long distance, without having much conversation and they decided to spend the night in a deserted hut, a few metres from a burnt-out house. Horses used to be held in the hut, the stray on the floor must have been a few weeks old – a little dusty but comfortable enough for an exhausted traveller to lie on and sleep on it.

They shared some bread and cheese, then some wine with each other, then they said good night and went to sleep.

Brienne was trying her best to fall asleep as quickly as possible but she was unable to. She could hear Jamie's calm breathing (then his loud snoring), she could smell his sweet scent as he was lying on his back so close to her. She decided to take her back to him to avoid being caught by her watching him with hungry eyes, but if she had turned towards him, she could have even touched him so easily, she would not even have had to stretch her arm to reach his face or chest.

Jamie was sleeping like a log while she was burning with desire and she could hardly stop herself to look at him, to touch his beautiful face, to kiss his dirty neck, to run her fingers through his dark golden locks...

Why did you come back to me if you are unable to return my love? I must have done something unfaithful or horrible that the gods are being so annoyed with me, giving me this punishment, she wondered.

In the end, she fell asleep, dreaming that Jamie was holding her in his arms.