Olivia began to stir in her bed as the morning sunlight peaked through the gaps in the curtains and instantly felt the throbbing in her head and her stomach protest last nights liquid contents. As her body shifted under the blanket she felt the weight of an arm draped over her waist and the feeling of a warm body lying next to her. Olivia's heart rate picked up as she quickly tried to recall what she did the night before. Shit. She turn herself cautiously to see Elliot's sleeping figure lying next to her, in her bed.
She vaguely remembered the night before involving her complete emotional breakdown but she couldn't remember him staying over or doing anything more for that matter. Surely she wouldn't have done anything with her work partner or neither him taking advantage of her in the state she was in. Olivia carefully lifted Elliot's arm from her body when she realised he was fully clothed and wasn't even sharing the same blanket as her and felt a wave of relief wash over her. She attempted to get out of the bed without waking him, all she could think of was caffeine and desperately wanted to get away from Elliot confronting her about last nights outburst.
For the past decade of the pair being partners and best friends, not once have they ever stayed over at either ones homes. The closest they have ever come to spending an entire night together was catching a few hours sleep up in the cribs at the precinct or doing an all nighter on watch in the squad car. They had never crossed the line, they didn't do anything wrong but something about Elliot spending the night felt too intimate for Olivia. As Olivia got out of bed she quickly pulled her hair up into a messy bun. She took one quick glance at Elliot and how peaceful he looked while sleeping and beginning of his morning beard before shaving. She turned on her heels to head towards the kitchen for her much needed coffee and pain killers.
Elliot felt the bed shifting, he opened his eyes to see Olivia moving towards the door.
"Good morning" he spoke in a husky tone.
Olivia almost jumped at the sound of his deep voice. "Morning" she replied quietly.
"How are you feeling?" He asked as he pulled himself to sit up.
Olivia stopped in the doorway and turned slowly, "I'm fine" She gave a quick small smile as she ran her fingers through her hair feeling self conscious at this point. She didn't know if it was because she was hung over and or the fact Elliot had never seen her like this.
Elliot watched her demeanor, he knew he had to be gentle with her. He had to let her lead how she wanted to approach this because if he pushed her too far she would shut down completely.
"Liv, c'mon" he sighed as he patted the free space next to him on the bed inviting her to sit down.
"Elliot, I'm not doing this right now. I already embarrassed myself enough after last night" Olivia shook her head and left the bedroom.
He knew Olivia was going to be stubborn but he just wished she would open up to him for once. He really did care for her and didn't want to see her hurting.
Elliot let out a deep breath as he stood from Olivia's bed. He could hear Olivia in the kitchen so he thought he would try his best to attempt to make her bed. He straightened out all the sheets and blankets then tried to arrange her many throw pillows. "Who needs this many pillows?" He called out but received no reply.
Once he was finished at his attempt of making Olivia's bed he wandered out into the kitchen area to find Olivia pouring two cups of coffee. Elliot took on a stool at the counter as Olivia handed him a cup.
"Thanks Liv"
She simply gave him a small smile as she leaned against the counter top on the other side of the kitchen. Elliot watched her for a moment as they drank there coffee silently. He could see the exhaustion written all over her, not just physically but emotionally too.
"So, you wanna talk about last night?" Elliot asked carefully as he broke silence.
"Not really" Olivia replied avoiding his gaze taking a slow sip of her coffee. She could feel his eyes burning into her and she wasn't in the mood for a deep conversation this early. "I'm going to take a quick shower" She spoke awkwardly as she avoided any eye contact with Elliot and quickly disappeared into the connecting bathroom. Olivia took a deep breath once she was finally alone in the bathroom. She placed her coffee cup on the bathroom counter next to sink and took a quick glance at herself in the mirror and was taken back by her own reflection. Her her was a mess, she had smudged mascara under her eyes and looked completely exhausted. She felt completely embarrassed to have Elliot see her like this. But then it dawned on her, why did she care all of sudden what Elliot thought of her? It never mattered to her before. She shook off the thought and turned the hot water tap on as steam began to fill the bathroom. Olivia got undressed and stepped into the shower. As the hot water burnt her skin causing her to flinch but she quickly adjusted to the temperature. All she wanted to do was wash last night off her and try to feel slightly more human again.
Elliot didn't even get a chance to reply before Olivia disappeared. He stood up from her bed and decided to straighten out her bedding and arrange the pillows and cushions. It never made sense to him why females needed so many pillows that they don't even use. As he walked by her drawers he notice a photo frame sitting next to her perfume bottle. He picked up the frame smiling to himself, Olivia had a photograph of her and Elliot from last years NYPD's policeman's ball. He remember that night vividly and how beautiful Olivia looked. He looked down at them both smiling as he had his hand resting on her waist.
He shook his head still smiling to himself, he couldn't help but enjoy seeing the other side of Olivia's life. Her personal life. The one she kept to herself, not allowing anyone into her world. She had been hurt enough in the past so she had some hard exterior walls built to guard her. Elliot placed the frame back to where her found it, he knew Olivia would probably kick his ass for touching her things. He took one last look around her bedroom knowing that he wouldn't ever be back in there again which he felt someone what bittersweet about, even if his impromptu sleepover wasn't under the greatest circumstances.
Elliot made his way into the kitchen in search of something he could make for breakfast for the pair, he knew Olivia would need to eat something after last night. He opened the fridge only to find a couple of beers, a stale carton of milk and and almost empty container of Chinese take out.
"How does she even survive?" Elliot mumbled to himself. He decide he would make a quick run to the deli a block away to pick them up something to eat. He grabbed his wallet and keys and pulled his shoes on. Elliot quickly checked the time on his watch, he knew if he hurried he would make it back before Olivia had finished in the bathroom as he jogged out of her apartment and towards the elevator.
Olivia took a long shower, half because she felt like absolute crap the other being that she wanted to avoid Elliot's interrogation and concern for her. She eventually got out of the shower, got dressed and dried her hair off. She put on some make up before deciding that it was time to leave the bathroom and face Elliot. As she left the bathroom she noticed her bed has been made. It wasn't made to her usual immaculate standard but smiled at his attempt. For some reason it made her mind wonder to when Elliot was married to Kathy, did he do things like that when he was still married.
Olivia walked out into the lounge room but it was quiet.
"El?" She called out as she looked around then she noticed his shoes and belongings were gone. She felt her heart sink a little. He really just left without saying anything, not even a note. Olivia drew in a deep breath and walked back into her room to get her phone. She touched the screen to see her notifications but the battery had died. She sat down on her bed and leaned over to pick up her charger cable when she heard the front door. She quickly plugged in her phone and left her room where she was greeted with the sight of Elliot walking in holding brown paper bags and a tray of coffee.
"Need some help?" She asked as she moved towards him.
"Please" he replied as she took the coffees from his hand.
They walked into the kitchen together and placed the items on the counter.
"I thought I'd get us some breakfast" Elliot spoke cheerfully.
"Thanks, El" Olivia said and gave him a small smile as she took a takeaway coffee cup.
"I got us a bit of everything, didn't know what you would be up for eating" Elliot stated as he took the food out of the bags and grabbed some plates.
Olivia remained pretty quiet as she seated herself at her kitchen table. Elliot brought the plates of food over to her and sat down across from her.
"Now eat" Elliot said sternly as he gestured to her plate.
Olivia looked down at her plate and decided breakfast sandwich. She took a few bites of food before speaking.
"I thought you had left." Olivia spoke quietly as she played with her food.
"I wouldn't just leave without saying anything. I had no choice but to go out for food, you have nothing to eat here Liv" he teased.
Olivia shrugged her shoulders.
"How are you feeling?" Elliot asked cautiously as he watched her from across the table.
"I'm doing alright" Olivia spoke, "hungover" she joked.
"That's what the foods for" Elliot replied as he held up a piece of bacon.
"Thank you for staying with me last night Elliot" Olivia said quietly.
Elliot finished his mouthful of food before answering her. "It's fine Liv, whatever you need I'll be here for you."
Olivia drew in a deep breath and took a sip of her coffee.
The pair finished their breakfast in a comfortable silence.
"I hate to leave you but I promised Maureen I would move apartments today. I honestly don't understand how that girl has so much stuff fit in a tiny apartment." Elliot said as he took their dishes to the sink.
"Oh yeah, that's fine El. I was going to drop over to Abbey's today anyway."
"I'm sure that she's keen to hear from you."
"Why's that?" Olivia quickly questioned back.
"She came by last night."
"Oh god" Olivia mumbled.
"She was just worried about you Liv. I let her know you were alright after you had fallen asleep and she came over."
"She is going to have my ass later" Olivia complained.
"Mom that scary huh?" Elliot teased.
Olivia kicked his leg under the table. "Funny" she glared at him. "She's going to lecture me about drinking too much to avoid my issues."
"It's only because she cares Liv, we both do."
"I know" Olivia replied quietly.
Elliot glanced down at his watch. "I've really gotta get going, sorry. But I'll call you later okay?"
"Sure" Olivia replied with a small smile.
"Drink lots of fluids" he called out as he was leaving. Olivia shook her head smiling to herself as she stayed seated. She soon found herself lost in her train of thought, thoughts back to Emma. She pulled herself back to reality and finished her coffee before heading off to meet Abbey.
..
Olivia arrived at Abbey's brownstone. As she knocked on the door she was soon greeted by a small blonde haired boy.
"Aunty Liv!" He squealed as he threw himself at her for a hug.
"Hey sweetie" Olivia replied as she hugged the boy back.
"Dylan! What have I said about answering the front door by yourself?" A voice echoed through the hallway.
"It's okay, it's just Aunty Livia" the boy yelled back.
"Not the point" Abbey sung back.
"Want to see my drawing?" Dylan asked excitedly.
"I sure do" Olivia smiled as the boy guided her into the kitchen where her had markers and paper sprawled across the large dining table.
"Hey Liv" Abbey smiled as she closed the dishwasher door.
Olivia was interrupted before she could reply. "Do you like my dog I drew?" Dylan questioned holding up his sheet of paper.
"It's the best dog I've ever seen"
"Thanks" Dylan replied proudly.
"Hey honey, can you go play in your room for a tiny bit while Aunty Liv and I have some grown up time?" Abbey asked.
Dylan poured his bottom lip before heading off towards his room.
Abbey joined Olivia as they sat down on opposite ends of the couch.
"Sooo" Abbey started "How are you feeling today?"
Olivia took a deep breath and ran her fingers through her hair "I'm okay, hungover. But okay."
"Olivia"
"I don't know what to say, it caught me so off guard. Never in my wildest dreams did I think she would turn up out of nowhere. I have thought about her everyday for the last sixteen years. Did she look like me, did she even know about me. Which I guess she didn't."
"I know it's a lot to take in Liv but you cannot let yourself go down the path of 'what if's' and self blame. It will lead you to a dark place I don't want to see you in." Abbey spoke as her voice broke slightly. She never wanted to see Olivia in pain, she had been through a lot throughout her life and Abbey's goal was to protect Olivia like her own flesh and blood.
"I know you're capable to take care of yourself but I don't want you taking comfort in the form of a bottle" Abbey added gently.
"I would have made Serena proud for once in my life" Olivia almost whispered.
"You are not her and never will be Olivia. She loved you deep down but life handed her a tough card. Nothing will ever excuse how she treated you but I don't want you treating alcohol as a comfort. If your struggling or need some help talk to someone, anyone. Just don't push people away and shut down. I know it's easier that way but it only makes it worse for yourself in the long run."
"I'm not going to drink myself to death. It's..it's just what I needed last night. I needed to escape. I'm sure as hell paying for it now." Olivia was most just embarrassed about last night and how Abbey and Elliot had seen her in that state.
"Good, you need to be taking care of yourself and not self destructing."
"I'm sure Elliot will be the first on my case about it."
"I don't doubt that" Abbey tease lightly. "So the topic of adoption never came up between you two?"
"Never. It's not something you simply slip into a conversation." Olivia replied.
"I understand that, I just thought because you two are so close that it may have came up at least once over the years you two have been partners."
"I never brought it up. I guess I didn't know how he would react. You know what he is like with his religious beliefs and has kids of his own. I didn't know what he would think of me."
"His view on you wouldn't have changed Liv, he adores you."
"You never know. He had his first daughter young and did all the right things. Sometimes certain things are better left alone."
"He would never judge you Olivia, I think last night proved that."
Olivia shrugged her shoulders. Everyone around Olivia and Elliot could see the connection the partners had developed over the years of working together, creating speculation along it whether their connection had ever lead to anything more intimate.
"I chose the closed adoption for a reason. I didn't want her to have chaos in her life like this and be left with so many unanswered questions about where she came from. Thinking she was abandoned by her birth parents. And now that I've met her I don't even know if she wants to see me again."
Abbey slid closer over to Olivia and put a reassuring hand on her knee.
"I don't know if she hates me for what I did, giving her away." Olivia said softly as she felt her eyes begin to burn with the threat of tears. She honestly didn't know how she had any left in her after the last 24 hours.
"No." Abbey spoke sternly. "You are not doing that. You're not going to think what you did was something wrong. You didn't simply give her away. I saw what you went through and how you made your decision. It was not something you treated lightheartedly. I'm not going to let you blame yourself for a situation not everyone has to face. I've watched you grow into an amazing, strong young woman. I will remind you that everyday of your life."
Abbey took Olivia in her arms and held her close. She had been there for Olivia throughout most of her pregnancy and became one of Olivia's biggest supporters, something she desperately needed. She watched Olivia struggle between making the best choice for her baby even if it meant it would break her heart.
"What you did for your child is the hardest thing a parent can do but you did what you thought was best for your child and put your own selfish wants aside. You would have been an amazing mother and still will be. You are the most brave and kind hearted person Olivia Benson, don't you ever think differently."
Olivia held onto Abbey for a while. The woman that had been the only motherly figure she had know even if they weren't related. She took Olivia in when she had nowhere to go and had been her family ever since. Olivia didn't have to be alone anymore.