She stood on the precipice of change.
She walked on a foreign road; a destination unknown, but cherished, leading her away from all she knew. Each step she took was lighter than the last; each trial before her a greater challenge than the last. But she understood the process was progress. The progress that would inevitably allow her to understand herself.
For who are we, if not ourselves?
The women stood at the top of the staircase in a dimly lit hallway; the only source of light emanating from the candles placed in single file rows cascading down the steps. Jay's body shuttered in remembrance of the past; anticipation of the future in the forefront of her mind. She looked around nervously as the memories of the night at Armond's mansion swarmed in her mind. The night that would change her, and Ekko, forever.
"I think I'm good," Jay whispered to her mentor, who stood at her side. "Yeah... I …I think I'm cured. Yep, I'm all better. Let's… let's go home. Please?" she said, nervously looking towards Ahri for approval.
Ahri looked at her pupil tenderly, carefully studying her awkward body language. Jay had flown through the first two trials, rarely giving way to doubt or hesitation. But this was different. It was unknown. A fresh battlefield, unmolested by proclamations from any combatants. Ahri looked towards the bottom of the winding steps, pondering what may lie below.
"Hey,' Ahri replied, grasping Jay's hand with her own, gently interlocking her fingers with her daughter's. "It's your call, love. This is your journey," she said with a smile, "but you're here, now. Turn away from this and you will leave whatever is below lingering in your mind, forever."
Jay looked into her mentor's eyes and nodded gently in affirmation. "I know, I just…" she continued, heart rate slowly rising at the thought of meeting her darkest side, "I… I don't know if I can do this." Ahri nodded, understanding her little sister's dilemma. Coming to terms with your demons, known and unknown, is a difficult process. Courage in these times is a limited resource. But Ahri believed in Jay, believed in her strength to continue. To get through this final challenge. To complete the process that promised to make her whole.
"Jay," Ahri said in a whispered hush, closing her eyes and inhaling a breath of air slowly, "it's one step at a time, love." she continued, opening her eyes, amber beacons flashing in the darkness. "One… step… at… a… time."
Jay chuckled at her sister's words, meanings entangling her thoughts, altering her views on the challenge before her. Ahri was nothing but truthful. Consistent. Keep pushing. Keep moving forward. Overcome this, and what comes after; not in the name of gods or deities - in the name of the self.
Jay closed her eyes and took one step down the ominous staircase, her mentor in tow. She felt the weight of her body hit the next step, and the next, gripping Ahri's hand ever-so tighter, the feelings of fear and anxiety slowly drifting away as she centered herself on her path.
There was no challenge. No staircases. The gust of winds billowing from below parted between her, granting her access to her destiny, each step a little easier than the last. Each breath was fuller than before. She opened her eyes, a devilish grin donned on her face, amethyst eyes beaming down the staircase, overpowering the flames from the candles. her essence blanketed her surroundings, a guiding beacon to her final destination.
She stopped after the final step, taking in her surroundings. Taking in the artwork of her misery. Her pain. The walls dripped with blood, body parts scattered on the floor as the candles below parted and circled the walls, the actors of her nightmare at the center of the basement in which she lost herself that fateful night.
Jay blinked, eyes focusing on a familiar young woman donning an elegant evening dress, bloodied by her sins. Her hair was pinned in a bun, soaking in streaks of red, specks of flesh tangled in between. The stranger sat on the floor with her legs folded, a young man's head gently resting on her thighs. She stroked his cheeks gently, tears streaming down her face, masked by her hair.
"I'm…" Jay said, shutting her eyes tightly, all semblance of confidence slipping her mind. Her body trembled at the sight, the scene serving as an affirmation of her worst tendencies. laid bare for the world to see.
"I'm sorry, Ri," Jay continued, "I never meant for you to see this… to see who…" she said, gripping her sister's hand as she came to terms with what occurred, "...see what I really am."
"Jay," Ahri replied meekly, moving her frame in front of her daughter, holding on to her hand. She gently placed a hand underneath Jay's chin, moving her face to her baby sister's ear. "...open your eyes, love. Look at me," she continued, whispering in her ear. Jay slowly opened her eyes, her mentor's gaze engulfing her vision. "I know who you are… this... whatever happened this night… is not what you are," Ahri continued with a smile, "it is only a part of you… a small part," she said, a warm smile on her face, "but you're more than this. Don't let what happened here, in this spec of time, define you."
"You are my sister," Ahri continued, staring into her pupil's amethyst eyes, "my daughter. Yasuo's sister. Yasuo's daughter. Ekko's lover. His best friend," she said, affectionately rubbing Jay's cheek, "never lose sight of who you are, love…" she continued, "...even now, during this. Or all is lost." Jay nodded slowly, tears forming around her eyes. She wrapped her arms around Ahri, gripping her tightly, tears gently rolling down her face at her sister's words.
"Shh… baby," Ahri whispered as she gently stroked Jay's hair, "...it's okay", she continued, holding her baby sister's trembling body in her arms. "It's okay." Jay's tears intensified, cascading drops rolling into a river of emotions, quiet sobs turning into anguished cries as the events of her life unfolded in her mind.
"I just... I feel like I let you down," Jay said in between sobs, "like I keep letting people down, letting myself down every time I…lose myself in myself… I don't know how to fix this… how to make it right… so I don't hurt anybody else. I just… I don't want to hurt anybody else," she continued, "I'm just so… tired, and I don't know how to… fix… this…"
"Hey," Arhi replied, gently pulling herself from Jay's grasp, eyes shifting towards the stranger in their perimeter, "why don't we ask her?" she said with a grin, inviting her baby sister to plunge headfirst into the pool. Jay wiped her tears and closed her eyes, labored breathing and sobs slowly subsiding as she focused on her goal. She slowly gathered herself and took leave of her mentor.
She walked towards the foreign entity before her, the corpse of the stranger's lover cradled in her arms. A gust of wind engulfed the room, violently blowing against the flames of the candles that refused to die, as destiny faced off against itself in the battlegrounds of a young woman's mind.
"Ms daughter of Chaos… ma'am," Jay said meekly at the stranger who never took her eyes off the body folded in her lap.
"Daughter of…" the stranger questioned softly, turning her gaze towards Jay for the first time. Jay recognized the face as her own; the aura emanating from the foreigner bore an essence of familiarity. "Don't be silly," the stranger chuckled lightly, turning her attention back towards the fallen body. "You know that's not true."
Jay hesitated, her face contorted in surprise. She thought this was clear – Armond said it was so. She was the daughter of chaos. At least, part of her. But as she studied the figure before her, she quickly realized the situation was not what it seemed.
"I know you have questions," the stranger continued, placing her hand over the forehead of her lover's limp body. "Help me with him, like you have the others. Then I will give you what you came for."
Jay looked back at Ahri, who gently nodded in agreement. Jay shut her eyes tightly, focusing on her breath, focusing on a point in time proper for the occasion. She opened her eyes to a serene view - a lake, surrounded by lush fields surrounding her new environment. Ahri's lake, a scene she knew intimately.
The stranger stood, gently laying Ekko's body on the ground, turning her attention towards Jay. "Well done, child. Now, help me prepare him," she said, drip of determination in every syllable in her voice. Jay walked towards the body, slightly shuttering at the sight, examining his frame closely. His body lay lifeless, a single shot to the chest telling the story of his demise.
Jay and the other worked diligently, undressing the body, and tossing the blood-stained clothes in a pile. The other walked to the beach of the lake gingerly, tearing a piece of silk from her dress, soaking it in the clean waters, trotting back to the body, carefully wiping its sins in preparation for the afterlife.
Jay and the other worked tirelessly through the afternoon, gingerly preparing Ekko's body; caring for every step, every movement; every detail of the process. Once satisfied in the sanctity, they moved the body onto the boat tethered on the dock, beddings of flowers and incense awaiting their passenger.
Jay walked towards the fields, the largest tree standing before her, gathered a large piece of a branch, ripped her clothing, and wrapped it around the wood; a makeshift torch in her hand, lighting it, flames briskly tangling in the setting sun. She extended the torch to the other, who grasped it meekly, nodding in appreciation.
Jay and the other untethered the boat from the dock, pushing the vessel in unison, waters rippling underneath as it floated towards the center of the lake. The other looked at Jay, who nodded with a smile, before hurling the torch at the boat, the boat's deck engulfed in fire at the flame's touch.
They stood in silence, watching the fire kiss the heavens as if carrying the embarked soul towards the afterlife. The evening's cloak donned the fields, the sun slowly slumbering on the horizon as the smoke carried into the night.
"Who are you," Jay asked quietly, eyes focused on the boat's flames.
"Heh…" the other replied, eyes fixated on the same scene. "The girl drowning in pain does not recognize her anguish." Jay turned her gaze towards the stranger, narrowing her brow in reply.
"Enough," Jay said, voice booming through the calm fields, "who are you?"
"At this point, does it matter?"
"Yes," Jay replied, 'it does."
"Call me Sorrow," the other said, eyes tracing the boat breaking through the calm waters.
"Why have we never met?" Jay asked, determination in her voice. Sorrow chuckled lightly, shaking her head in disbelief. "All this time… everything you've endured… and you still don't understand," she continued, the flames of the raft reflecting in her pupils.
"How long, Jay?" Sorrow replied, turning her gaze towards Jay for the first time.
"I don't understand what-"
"How long will you allow this to go on?" Sorrow said curtly, taking a step towards the young woman. "How long are you going to come here, in this realm, for shelter? How long will you relinquish your power to us?"
"How long…" Sorrow continued, eyes fixated on her counterpart, "will you allow your misery to fuel your madness?"
"I…" Jay replied, head darting away from her accuser. "You think… I want this?"
"Do you know what a good day, to me, looks like?" Jay continued, voice growing ever so louder, amethyst eyes shining brightly as she stared at Sorrow, who stood silently in return.
"A good day is when I wake in the morning; remembrance of what I did last night. A good day is when I can count the minutes where I've had control over myself. That nothing happened since the first time I remember and the last time I remember. That I remember every second in between. That none of you took over, made me…"
She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, trying to maintain poise. Quell the thoughts that would overtake her, as they tend to do. She exhaled slowly, murderous intents towards her murderous ego, asking nonsensical questions, tethered under control.
"A good day," Jay continued, "is a day when I rest my head on my pillow, knowing I haven't hurt someone. Haven't… ended someone. Haven't done something to make people go away."
"How long..?" Jay repeated, chuckling at the question lingering in the air. "Fuck your question, Sorrow. It's how many. How many others are there? How many others will I have to fight until there's only one of us left?"
"However many you desire," Sorrow replied, a slight grin on her face. Her amethyst eyes beamed matching her creator's intensity. "You think we came from nothing. Appeared from the ether, to torment you until your last breath. But you know better."
"Powder. A girl born to live in her sister's shadow," Sorrow continued. "Jinx. A woman born to take her father's mantle. The daughter of chaos," Sorrow said, taking a step towards Jay, "...A devil born to satisfy an old belligerent fool."
"Each time, your pain manifests into another persona. Each time, pleading to the Gods to send you another of us, so you don't have to cope with your life, and the misery that comes with it. Each time, reinvent yourself to please others. Give them something… anything... a scrap of yourself... so they will love you. So you can find a way to love yourself. And in the process, lose yourself… your real self… in each of your creations."
"Polymorphism…" Sorrow continued, "fracturing your soul into a million pieces; peddling them to the lowest bidder, for an ounce of affection in return."
"Tell me, Jay," Sorrow said, eyes growing ever-so-brighter, "how's that working out for you?"
"Fuck you," Jay muttered, staring into Sorrow's eyes. She felt her body tense, muscles standing ready to strike at the woman uttering the words she never wanted to hear; her internal narrative wrecked by the ego standing before her. Her ego. If she wasn't a victim of her circumstances; if the other spoke the truth, that would mean…
"Fuck you…" Sorrow repeated in a slight chuckle, standing in front of Jay, intentions masked in her smile, "...you forget, love; I am you."
"Fuck me…" Sorrow continued with a heavy sigh, "...fuck you. Fuck everybody… fuck I didn't really mean it, I'm really fucking sorry. Fuck the ones I care about… fuck the ones that mean nothing at all. Fuck pain… fuck sorrow… fuck yesterday, and tomorrow. Fuck the world; fuck everything… fuck it all and all it brings. It's morning; how the fuck am I still here? Last night I gave a fuck to never fucking wake again."
"That is," Sorrow said, smiling at her creator, "how we find ourselves here, now… is it not?"
"I…" Jay stammered, breaking eye contact from Sorrow. She squeezed her eyes shut tight, unable to bear what stood before her. It was too much, the words lashed too deep. This is the moment she would escape inside herself, allowing one of the others to take control. To deal with this. so she wouldn't have to. But now? There was no one to turn to; nowhere to run.
Sorrow placed a hand under Jay's chin and directed her vision back towards her accuser; towards the truth. "Look around us, child. What do you see?"
Jay blinked, eyes scanning her surroundings. "Trees… grass… and.. um… a lake," she replied meekly, unsure of the question. "Good," Sorrow replied with a smile, "do you know what I see?"
"No."
"A landscape of peace and serenity, fabricated by a woman who claims she has none. You believe you are a prisoner of your mind, tormented by the shadows of the others. But it is you, Jay… you, rule these lands. Rule over us all. We follow your orders, as servants are born to do."
"And now, my Queen, it is time for you to put aside the stories of a broken child. For you are not that... not her, anymore." Sorrow concluded, placing a hand on Jay's side. "Forgive yourself for creating us. Visit us, when you desire. Call on us… command us, when you need. But live your life, as you were meant to."
Jay stood, broken in mind, rejuvenated in spirit; tears gently streaming down her cheeks. Sorrow placed a second hand on her master's side, and brought her closer, holding her in her warm embrace. "I love you, Jay," Sorrow whispered into Jay's ears, gently stroking the nape of her neck. "Powder, Jinx… all of us, love you. Thank you, for being our ruler. For creating us, giving us life."
"I… I love you too, Sorrow," Jay replied gently, hugging her other. The worst, yet somehow best, of her creations.
"Fox," Sorrow quietly called to Ahri, who stood silently, eyes masked by a red cloak. "Thank you for showing her… us… what love… true love, is." Jay's mentor nodded slightly, a single tear running down her face reflecting the fire in the waters.
"Sorrow, I can... I can fix this," Jay said, pulling herself away from her creation. "I can take you... I can bring him back, and… and then you and Ekko can…"
"Shhh…" Sorrow replied, "I know you can, Jay. But this…" she glanced back at the boat, fire crackling against the dawn, "...this has to stand. So we remember. So it never happens again." Jay nodded gingerly and stepped away, departing from her other. She walked up the banks towards Ahri, who greeted her with a warm smile.
"Ready, love?" Ahri asked once again, her full attention on her little sister.
"I…" Jay muttered, looking back at Sorrow, who sat on the beach, head, and hands folded over her raised knees as she quietly watched the boat centered in the middle of the lake. "No," she replied to her big sister, "I'm not." Jay walked back towards the beach in haste, placing herself in front of sorrow.
"Come here," Jay replied, extending her hand.
"I told you, Jay, I'm-"
"Stop. You said I was the ruler here. So do what I say," Jay replied, grabbing Sorrow's hand. She raised Sorrow from the beach and led her into the shallow pool, her other in tow. She stopped where the water held waist-deep, carefully placed a hand on Sorrow's back, and gingerly guided her backward into the depths, the gentle rolling tides turning crimson red as the blood and filth washed off Sorrow's body. Jay raised Sorrow from the waters, pooling water in her hand; tenderly combing the specs of flesh from her other's hair.
The women smiled at each other in understanding as the baptism continued; emancipation of the spirit through forgiveness and understanding echoed silently into the evening.
Work complete, the women gathered themselves out of the water, and sat on the beach, side by side, watching as the flames of past anguish flickered in front of them. Ahri walked towards the pair, and found a place on the sands behind them, nine tails wrapping her in a soothing grasp.
"So…" Sorrow said, finally breaking the silence, "...Pablo, huh."
"Oh gods, not you too," Jay said in an exasperated tone, resting her head on Sorrow's shoulder. "I command you to never mention that again. Ever."
"Yes, my liege," Sorrow. Replied with a chuckle, resting her cheek on her creator's head.
"Your wish is my command."