The next few days went well for the Bishop-Deluca's. Carina managed to get one extra day off, meaning the four of them were able to all be home together. Maya was still not feeling great, but she did manage to make it a full 36 hours without being sick which was the longest stretch she had gone in a few weeks.
When Maya was feeling ok, she had spent time downstairs with her family, playing Legos with the twins and even venturing on a short walk to the park by their house, though she just ended up sitting on the bench the whole time while Carina chased the twins around the playground, Nora coming to sit with her while Carina pushed Rowan on the swings.
"Mommy, are you otay?" Nora asked, looking up at her.
"I am Piccola," Maya nodded, "I am just tired. But it is nice to be out here with you and your sister and your mamma."
"I love you Mommy," Nora said, standing up on the bench and giving Maya a big hug.
"I love you too Elenora Mason," Maya said, hugging the toddler back, "Thank you for helping Mamma take such good care of me."
"I want you to feel better," Nora said, looking at Maya, "And to not go to the hospipal anymore."
"I know," Maya said, "I don't want to either, but I have to stay healthy and make sure Trottolino also stays healthy and sometimes, the only place that can help with that is the hospital."
"But Mamma tan give you medcine at home," Nora said.
"Yes, that is true," Maya said, "But sometimes, I have to go to the hospital for special medicine that we don't have at home."
Nora sighed, climbing into Maya's lap and burying her face in her neck.
"I promise, I will always try my very very hardest to come home to you and your sister and Mamma," Maya said, pressing her lips to the top of Nora's head, "Because I love you all and you are very important to me."
Maya hated that she couldn't promise that she would always come home. Logically, she knew that no one ever could or should promise that to their kids, but she also knew that her job was much more dangerous than most and so she was always extremely careful when it came to how she worded things with the twins.
"Is everything ok over here?" Carina asked, walking over to them with Rowan at her side.
"We are just talking, right Nora?" Maya said, rubbing the toddler's back.
"I don't want Mommy to go back to the hospipal," Nora said, looking at Carina.
"Piccola, Mommy isn't going to today," Carina said, knowing that was true because Maya had kept both breakfast and lunch down as well as dinner the night before, "And if she has to again, I will be home with you or one of your aunts or uncles. But right now, today, Mommy is staying home with us."
Nora sighed, just clinging to Maya.
They eventually made their way back home, Maya opting to lay down on the couch while the twins played and Carina made dinner which tonight was just going to be pasta with a butter sauce and raw veggies so Maya could join them at the table. Maya was always grateful when Carina made something that she was able to eat in some variation with the rest of the family because family dinner time had always been so important in their house and Maya had missed a lot of them recently.
"Mamma, Mommy is sweeping," Rowan said as she wandered into the kitchen, holding her favorite baby doll in her arms.
"Is she?" Carina said, "Well, Mommy is still tired and going to the park today probably made her extra tired. Let's let her sleep for now, ok?"
"Otay," Rowan nodded.
"Did you need something Patatina?" Carina asked as she cut up some carrots and peppers.
"Tan I have a dwink?" Rowan asked.
"Of course," Carina nodded, setting the vegetables aside and going over to the cabinet, pulling out sippy cup that Dean had gotten for the twins for their birthday that said "Mommy is a firefighter" with a ladder truck underneath and their names on the other side, filling it up with some water.
"I want ice pwease," Rowan said.
"Ok," Carina nodded, grabbing a few frozen cubes from the freezer, adding them to the cup before screwing on the lid and handing it to the toddler.
"Gwazie Mamma," Rowan said, taking a big sip of her drink, "Ahh, dat tastes so dood."
Carina shook her head as Rowan ran off. The Italian finished chopping up the veggies before peeking into the living room, seeing her wife sound asleep on the couch, Nora sitting next to her with a few books, flipping through them, stopping every once in a while to gently stroke Maya's hair.
Carina pulled out her phone, carefully taking a picture of the little scene in front of her. She was honestly pretty worried about how Nora would react going back to daycare. She was incredibly happy that one of her coworkers had asked her if she could take Carina's shift tomorrow in exchange for the Italian taking one of her shifts in a few weeks. She was hoping that an extra day at home as a family would help ease the transition back to daycare for the twins but especially Nora.
Rowan seemed to be doing better now that Maya had been home for a few days, though she was also still more clingy than normal, but Nora was still struggling. Carina had decided that she would take them to daycare the day after tomorrow and see how it went. She had already checked with Travis, however, and he was off that day so if Nora was really having a hard time, he could pick her up and bring her home.
Carina headed back into the kitchen, continuing to work on dinner, getting the twins' food on plates before going to wake up her wife.
"Mommy is sweeping," Nora said, looking at Carina as she walked over to them.
"I know," Carina said, "But it is dinner time so I am going to wake her up. Do you want to help me?"
"Mommy," Nora said gently, rubbing her hand up and down her arm, "Mommy, Mamma says it's time to eat."
"Mmmm," Maya groaned a little, stretching her arms carefully.
"Hi Bambina," Carina said, smiling as her wife's eyes opened, "Dinner is ready. Are you feeling up to eating with us?"
"Yeah," Maya said, forcing herself to sit up, "I didn't mean to fall asleep. I was just going to rest."
"It's ok," Carina said, "Walking to the park and back was a big deal for you."
"I hate that it was," Maya sighed, "Walking the half a mile to the park and back used to be my warmup and cool down when I was running."
"You will eventually get back there," Carina said, sitting down next to her wife, "Maybe not before Trottolino is born, but you will."
"Am I even allowed to run if I feel up to it?" Maya asked, "I mean, I don't right now and I can't see that I will any time soon, but can I run when I'm pregnant?"
"Si," Carina nodded, "I always tell my patients they can maintain their normal level of activity while pregnant until it is too uncomfortable to do so unless they have complications. But HG qualifies as a complication right now so no running until that goes away."
"I don't think I could even if I wanted to," Maya said, leaning on Carina, "I don't have the energy anymore."
"I'm sorry," Carina said, rubbing her back, "Hopefully this gets easier in the next few weeks. The second trimester often has people having higher energy levels and you will be there in just a few days."
"I can't believe I am almost 12 weeks pregnant already," Maya said, shaking her head, "It has been so fast and so slow."
"In about 6 months, Trottolino will be here," Carina smiled, resting her hand on Maya's tiny bump.
"Mommy, Mamma, tan we have dinner now?" Rowan asked, coming out of the playroom.
"Si," Carina nodded, remembering that there was a reason she had woken her wife up, "Come on. Bambina, are you still going to join us?"
"Yeah," Maya nodded, "I just need to wake up a little more."
"Take your time," Carina said, taking the twins into the kitchen.
Maya joined them a few minutes later, all four of them enjoying the pasta Carina had made.
The rest of the evening was relaxing, Maya and Rowan working on Legos some more while Carina and Nora did some puzzles together before it was time for bed.
Once they got the twins down, Maya and Carina curled up on the couch together.
"I think we should order the twins new beds," Maya said, "I am hoping that at some point, I will have some more energy and will be able to put them together, but I want to have them in the house for when that day comes."
"Bambina, I can put their beds together," Carina said, earning her a look from her wife.
"Carina, the last time you tried to put a shelf together, you ended up spending 4 hours on it and it fell apart as soon as you put books on it," Maya laughed, "I would really prefer if our kids didn't end up on the floor when they go to bed."
"I…ok, you're right," Carina said, pretending to be offended for a second but knowing her wife was correct, "I'm sure we could get someone to come over and help though."
"Let's order them tonight and then we will see how I feel when they get here," Maya suggested, "I am really hoping I have more energy at some point. I figured if we get them into their new beds sometime in like the next 3 months, that should be enough time for them to make the transition before the baby comes. What do you think?"
"I think that is a great plan," Carina nodded, "I think that because we already have the twins out of their actual cribs, it will be an easier transition."
"Do you think we should redo their room?" Maya asked, "Like paint it or something?"
"I don't think we need to," Carina said, "The mural Mason did when I was pregnant with them is very nice and they are still little so I don't think they will care. In a few years, maybe they will have opinions on it, but right now, they would probably ask for a red and purple bedroom which I am not willing to give them at the moment."
"True," Maya nodded as she picked her laptop up off the coffee table, "Do you think one day all three of them will want their own rooms?"
"Non lo so," Carina said as Maya got comfortable against her, "I think it depends on a lot of things. If Trottolino is a boy, he will need his own room eventually, but maybe they will want to share with the twins when they are younger. If Trottolino is a girl, maybe all three of them will share or maybe no one will or maybe one of the twins will want to share with Trottolino. We don't have to decide any of this now though. For now, Trottolino needs their own room because we do not need three kids awake every night, multiple times a night. Once Trottolino sleeps through the night, we can revisit this conversation. And if everyone wants or needs their own room, we convert the guest room into a kid's room. We don't have that many guests anyway."
"That is a good point," Maya nodded as she went online to look for beds, stopping and looking at her wife, "Wait, do you think Trottolino is a boy or a girl?"
"Hmmm," Carina said, thinking for a second, "I think a boy. What do you think?"
"I don't know," Maya said, "I always picture them as a girl when I think about them, but that might just be because the twins are both girls. But I guess I think they are a girl. Not that it really matters."
"Si," Carina nodded, "We should, however, maybe start thinking about names? Or just be thinking about names we like? It took us a while to come with the names for the girls."
"I already started a list," Maya said, biting her lip, "When I was in the hospital the first time. I don't have a ton of names on either list, but I do have a few for a boy and a few for a girl."
"Can I see?" Carina asked. "Yeah," Maya nodded, showing the list to Carina, "We don't have to use any of these, but I just kinda like these names."
"This first one on the girl list is cute," Carina said, "It might be a bit confusing, but it is cute."
"I figured we could use a nickname if we went with that one," Maya said, looking at the name her wife was pointing to.
"I really like this boy name," Carina said, pointing to the second one on the list for boys.
"It's my favorite one on that list so far," Maya nodded, "And we could also do a nickname for that one if we wanted. Or keep it long. I like either."
"Some of these are good names Bambina," Carina said, scanning the list, "I do not like Alessandro though."
"Why?" Maya asked, "I thought it was kinda nice."
"It is," Carina said, "It is also the name of the first person I ever had sex with."
"Oh, yeah, no, that one has to go," Maya said, deleting it from the list, "Do you have any names to put on the lists?"
"I really like that first girl name you have written down. The more I think about it, the more I like it," Carina said, "Oh, what about Katherine? Nora is named after my mamma so if Trottolino is a girl, we could name her after your mamma."
"No, that would be confusing," Maya said, "My mom is still alive and we still see her."
"True," Carina nodded, grabbing Maya's phone and typing out a few names.
"I like this one for a boy," Maya said, "And this one is ok for a girl. I need to think about it more. Are you still ok with waiting to find out?"
"Of course," Carina nodded, "I mean, it is going to mean I have to look away during parts of our ultrasounds, but I think it will be a nice surprise. Us getting pregnant has always been so clinical and non-spontaneous that is it fun to think that we will still have a surprise. I'm a little bit surprised you want a surprise though. You hate surprises."
"I know," Maya shrugged, "But like you said, we didn't get the fun surprises that straight couples get when they are trying to have a baby and this feels like something that doesn't matter that much that we can still have."
"I agree," Carina said, giving Maya a quick kiss, "And if you change your mind, that is also ok. I don't want you spiraling into your anxiety about this ok? I don't want it to be like when we found out with the girls."
"Ok," Maya said, remembering how anxious she had been leading up to their gender reveal party with the twins, "I don't even know why that made me so anxious, but I promise that if I start to feel that way about not knowing, I will talk to you about it."
"Good," Carina said, "Now, let's look at those beds for the bambine."
"If this baby is a boy, you will have to change what you call the kids right?" Maya asked, "It will change from the bambine to bambini?"
"Esattamente," Carina said, smiling at her wife, "I love how much Italian you have picked up."
"I want to be able to be a part of the culture that you share with our kids," Maya said, "And I want to be able to teach them about it too. Also, I do not want you and them to be able to team up against me by speaking a language I don't understand."
"Your comprehension is very good now Bambina," Carina said, "Your verbal skills are another story."
"It just feels so awkward in my mouth," Maya sighed, "I try."
"You do," Carina nodded, "And you do an amazing job trying. I love it when you do."
Maya smiled at her shyly, blushing a little bit before turning back to the computer. They spent the next hour and a half picking out beds for the girls, opting to get beds that could eventually turn into bunkbeds when the girls were older if they wanted but could, for now, be left as regular twin beds.
They also picked out comforters for the twins, getting fire engine bedding for Rowan along with an extra pair of red sheets and purple dinosaur bedding for Nora along with extra purple sheets. They knew the bedding didn't match at all, but they really didn't care, knowing the twins would absolutely love them.
As the twins grew up, it was so important to them that they didn't feel like a unit, like they were just "the twins" but rather that they were two individual people who were allowed to have their own unique interests and personalities. They felt like it had gone well so far, both girls fairly independent from each other most of the time, though they still loved each other and were there for each other too.
Part of Maya wondered how Trottolino would fit into this dynamic and if they would feel left out by their older sisters who were twins.
"What are you thinking about Bambina?" Carina asked as she set aside the laptop now that they were done ordering everything they needed for the twins' new beds.
"About whether Trottolino will fit in with the twins," Maya said, hand resting on her bump, "I mean, they have each other and Trottolino is a singleton. The twins have each other and always have and I just…I don't want Trottolino to feel left out or like they are…a third wheel or anything. I don't know."
"I think the twins will be more than happy to have their little brother or sister join them," Carina said, "I mean, there will probably be times when they do not want to be with them because the twins will be older, but that would happen if we only had one child and were adding another one. I'm sure all three of them will be close. We just have to make sure we are encouraging it. It will just depend on their personalities though, you know that."
"I know," Maya nodded, cuddling closer to her wife, "My mind just runs with worries all the time. I will talk about it with Diane at my appointment in two days. How are you feeling?"
"I am ok," Carina said, "I feel better now that you are home and doing a little better. I am still worried about you and Trottolino, but I don't think that is going to change and I think I would be almost as worried if you were having a completely textbook pregnancy without a subchorionic hematoma and HG and low blood pressure."
"Can I ask you something?" Maya asked, looking at her wife suddenly.
"You can always ask me anything," Carina said, a little bit confused.
"I don't want to make you mad or offend you or anything," Maya said, biting her lip.
"Cosa?" Carina asked, confused.
"Do you worry about bonding with the baby?" Maya asked, "I mean, because you aren't carrying this time?"
"Um, no, not really," Carina said honestly, "I mean, there was a time with the twins that I worried about that some because they were biologically not mine, but as soon as they were born, I knew that didn't matter even a little bit. I looked at them and saw my babies, our babies and I just knew none of that mattered to me. They were just as much mine as yours and that is all that mattered. I think that is making it easier this time to not worry about it as much. There is a small part of me that worries that because you are carrying that I will have a harder time, but then I look at you and I look at this beautiful tiny bump and I already feel bonded to Trottolino. It's hard to explain, but I am not particularly worried about that."
"Good," Maya said, wiping at the tears that filled her eyes, "I guess…I was a little worried and I know not being the one to get pregnant hasn't always been easy for you and I just want to make sure you were ok."
"I am," Carina nodded, "And I promise to tell you if that changes, but I already love Trottolino."
Carina leaned down, pressing a kiss to Maya's belly. Maya smiled at her wife as the Italian moved from kissing her belly to kissing her lips, the blonde deepening the kiss as she held her wife close.
"Bambina, what are you doing?" Carina asked as she felt Maya's hands moving toward her breasts.
"I am kissing my wife," Maya said, hands wandering.
"This is more than kissing," Carina said, shivering a little as Maya reached her nipples, twisting them a little.
"I know," Maya said, moving back in for a kiss, biting Carina's lip a little.
"Are you feeling up to this tonight?" Carina asked, trying hard not to give in to what Maya was doing to her body at the moment which was incredibly hard because she hadn't felt her wife's hands on her like this in weeks.
Maya nodded, pulling her lips off her wife's, moving down her neck with her lips, sucking on a few points that she knew drove her wife crazy. Carina stopped fighting her instincts, allowing herself to fully appreciate what her wife was doing to her body.
A small part of Carina was worried that Maya was going to wear herself out, but she also trusted her wife to not push herself too far. It ended up taking very little for either of them to be satisfied tonight, Carina because it had been so long since they had done anything and while she had her toys, they never compared to what her wife was able to make her body do, and Maya because, as she learned very quickly, pregnancy hormones made every single touch feel about 10x more powerful than it normally did.
When they finished, Carina all put dragged Maya up to their room, the blonde exhausted. Carina forced her into a quick shower, the blonde basically sleeping standing up as Carina cleaned her up before getting her into bed. Carina made sure to get fluids hung for her wife before getting into bed herself, smiling as Maya moved closer to her in her sleep. Carina wrapped her arms around her wife, hoping that maybe Maya had finally started to turn a corner with her HG.
Unfortunately, that hope faded when Carina was woken up at about 4 am when Maya sat up in bed. The blonde had been restless pretty much all night but every time Carina woke up from her wife's movements, the blonde appeared to still be asleep.
"You ok Bambina?" the Italian asked.
"Don't feel well," Maya said, shaking her head.
Carina quickly unhooked the empty bag of fluids before looking at her wife.
"Do you want to go into the bathroom?" Carina asked, rubbing her back.
The blonde nodded, Carina carefully helping her up. They sat on the floor, Maya in Carina's lap as the Italian played with her hair for a few minutes before Maya's stomach had had enough and she was sick. Carina made sure to keep her hair back, just providing whatever comfort she could.
They were there for close to an hour before Maya finally felt ok enough to go back to bed.
"Can I get you anything?" Carina asked as she tucked her in.
"Just hold me?" Maya requested, always feeling extremely needy after she was sick.
"Of course," Carina nodded, getting into bed with her wife, hoping she would sleep and wake up feeling better.
Unfortunately, neither of those things happened. Maya felt terrible and ended up tossing and turning in Carina's arms, just trying to get comfortable and feel less terrible. She ended up back in the bathroom around 7 and just as Carina was about to follow her, Rowan walked into their room, taking Carina away from her wife.
The rest of that day was stressful as Maya's body continued to reject everything she tried to put in it, even her normal safe drinks which made both of them incredibly worried. However, after an IV push injection of her oral antiemetic, and extra bag of fluids and a lot of rest, Maya managed to keep down some lemonade and one single cracker around dinner time which they counted as a success.
It was hard for the twins because they wanted to be with Mommy, but Maya was feeling too sick to get out of bed and struggled to stay awake in between intense bouts of nausea. Carina and the twins ended up in bed with her for a while, Carina reading books to the twins while Maya dozed in and out as Nora played with her hair and Rowan rested on her bump. It wasn't an ideal way to spend their family day together, but they made it work.
For as much as Maya slept all day, her mind was in overdrive with worry and every time she got sick, that just increased because she didn't want to end up back in the hospital and she didn't want to end up there for multiple reasons.
After the twins were in bed, Carina helped Maya shower, the blonde desperate to be clean after how sick she had felt all day and knowing she probably wouldn't have time to shower before Diane came the following morning around 10.
The following morning was stressful to say the least. Carina had work at 9, meaning she had to get the twins to daycare before then. Maya woke up when she felt her wife getting out of bed, a little bit surprised she had managed to sleep through the entire night.
"Buongiorno Bambina," Carina said as her wife sat up in bed, stretching a little bit as the doctor went to unhook the IV tubing from her arm, "How are you feeling this morning?"
"So much better than yesterday," Maya yawned a little bit before Carina gave her a quick kiss, "I slept all night too which feels like a win."
"And you actually slept," Carina said, "You didn't wake me up every hour with the tossing and turning that has been happening a lot recently."
"I can sleep in the guest room if you need me to," Maya said, this being the first time she heard about her sleep disrupting her wife, "You shouldn't get woken up like that."
"No," Carina said, shaking her head as she pulled off her pajama shirt, getting into a bra before going to the closet to get a shirt, "I sleep better when you are right there, even if you are moving around a lot."
"But you'll tell me if that changed?" Maya asked, knowing her anxious brain was probably the reason she was so restless at night.
"Si," Carina nodded, grabbing out her slacks as well.
Just then, Rowan came into the bedroom, immediately crawling onto the bed.
"Dood morning Mommy," Rowan said, giving her a kiss before ripping the cover off of her and pulling her shirt up, "Gingourno My Baby Totoino."
"Rowan, are you ready to go back to daycare today?" Carina asked, going over to the toddler, getting a good morning hug and kiss from the little blonde.
"I want to stay wif Mommy," Rowan complained, "I don't yike being at daytare."
"I think Harper will be there today," Carina said, "And maybe even baby Maverick."
"And all I am going to do today is take naps and have a meeting," Maya said, "It won't be fun here."
"But I will miss you," Rowan sighed, pressing her cheek to Maya's stomach.
"I will miss you too," Maya said, rubbing her back, "But Mamma is only working until dinner time and then you can come home and I will see you then."
"But what if you have to go to the hospipal?" Rowan asked.
"I shouldn't have to go today," Maya said, "But if I have to go back, I promise that Mamma will bring you to see me. But I am feeling much better today than I did yesterday so I shouldn't have to go to the hospital today. I am going to be home all day and you get to go have fun at daycare, can you do that for me?"
"But Mamma will bring us home after to see you and My Baby?" Rowan asked.
"Si," Carina said, walking over to her two favorite blondes, handing her wife her normal morning pill, "We will come home right after I am done with work. Now, are you ready to come with me to wake up your sister and get some breakfast?"
"Otay," Rowan agreed, giving Maya one more hug before climbing off the bed and following Carina.
Maya just spent about an hour trying to wake up and let her meds settle more of the yucky feeling she always woke up with in her stomach. She was feeling a lot more awake and was considering getting up when the door to the bedroom opened and Nora came in, fingers shoved in her mouth.
"Hi Piccola," Maya said as the toddler got into the bed, "How are you?"
Nora just climbed into Maya's arms, laying her head down on her shoulder, playing with her hair with the hand that wasn't in her mouth.
"Nora Mae, it is going to be ok," Maya said, rubbing her back, trying to keep herself calm even though her hear was breaking for her toddler.
"I don't want to do to daytare," Nora said around her fingers, not moving from her place on Maya's shoulder, "I want to stay with you."
"I know," Maya said, "But I have a meeting today that will be so boring and I am still feeling very tired because I didn't feel well yesterday so I am going to be very boring. But, if I take lots of naps and rest while you are at daycare, I will hopefully feel better tonight and we can play together, ok?"
"But I tan take a nap wif you," Nora said, picking up her head.
"Piccola, you will have so much more fun at daycare," Maya said, "Do you want to take one of my shirts with you again? Would that help?"
"Maybe," Nora said, "But I will miss you."
"It's ok to miss me," Maya said, "I miss you and Mamma and Rowan whenever I am not with you, but I know that you are having fun when you are not with me and I know you are safe and that makes me feel happy because I like when you are happy."
"I don't want you to be sick nanymore," Nora said, tears in her eyes.
"I know Piccola," Maya said, "I don't want to be sick anymore either, but I will be ok. Remember, I am getting medicine in this little pump and at night, Mamma gives me more in my special tube right here that is helping me feel better. And soon enough, Trottolino will be here and I will feel a lot better once the hormones are out of my body."
"I want Totoino to come sooner so you can feel better," Nora said.
"Well, remember, Trottolino is only the size of that tiny little Lego person which is too tiny to be alive not in my uterus so Trottolino has to keep growing in there until they get bigger."
"Big like me?" Nora asked.
"No," Maya said, "You have seen Auntie Maggie's baby right? Well, Trottolino will be closer to that size. But they will grow and get bigger and one day be big like you."
"Oh," Nora said, putting her fingers back in her mouth.
"Are you ready go to pick a shirt to take to daycare?" Maya asked, looking at the toddler.
Nora nodded as she crawled off Maya's lap, the blonde carefully getting up from the bed.
"Nora," she heard her wife call, knowing the Italian would be in their room within a few seconds so she didn't bother to answer.
"There you are Piccola," Carina said, coming into the room, "It's time to go get dressed."
"Mommy come too," Nora said, holding Maya's hand.
"I can come," Maya told the toddler as Nora pulled a t-shirt out of the drawer.
"Bambina, can I get you something to eat for breakfast?" Carina asked.
"I can get it when I come downstairs," Maya said, "Diane will be here in like an hour and a half so I need to be down there anyway."
"Ok," Carina said, nodding.
They helped the girls get dressed and ready for the day, Carina sneaking away to finish getting herself ready while Maya got the girls teeth and hair done. Once that was done, Maya took them downstairs, helping them get their shoes on, Carina coming down just as they finished up.
"Are you ready to go bambine?" Carina asked as she double checked their bags.
"No," both girls cried, holding onto Maya's legs.
"Hey," Maya said, crouching down in front of them, wobbling a little before gaining her balance, "It is going to be ok. I am going to be at home doing boring Mommy things all day and you two will have fun at daycare and when you get home, we can have lots of cuddles, ok? I know you are scared that I won't be here when you get home, but I am going to be, ok? I will be right here waiting for you. Or I might be taking a nap, but I will be home. And I will miss you both so much, but then, it will make me so happy to see you later, ok? Now, would you like to give me a big hug and kiss before you go?"
Both girls wrapped their arms around Maya's neck tightly, Maya rubbing their backs as she pressed kisses into the tops of their heads.
"Ok," Maya sad as they pulled away, "Now, to the car."
Maya came out with them, helping them get into their car seats while Carina loaded the bags.
"Mommy," Nora cried a little as Maya buckled her into her seat.
"I am ok," Maya reminded her as she buckled her in, knowing the longer she took, the worse this goodbye was going to be, "Remember what I said earlier? You are going to have fun at daycare and I will be here waiting for you when you get home. It's ok to be sad, but you can do hard things, ok? And you have my shirt that you can give a big hug when you are missing me. I love you so much, ok? I will see you later."
Maya gave Nora one more kiss, wiping a few tears off her cheeks before closing the car door. She had already said her goodbyes to Rowan who was upset, but not nearly as much as her sister.
"I love you," Carina said as Maya walked over to her, "Please rest today? And call me if you get sick or need me to come home or…"
"Hey," Maya said, realizing her wife was almost as worked up as their toddler, "I am ok. My plans for today are to meet with Diane, take a nap, and maybe check in with my captains about how things are going. Nothing too crazy. I will let you know how I am feeling all day, ok? I promise you I am ok."
Carina nodded, having not realized how anxious she was about going back to work and leaving Maya home alone until right now, or maybe she had, but she had been ignoring it.
"What can I do to make this easier for you?" Maya asked, brushing a tear off her wife's cheek, "Would it help if I kept my phone on full volume all day and promised to answer whenever you call or text?"
Carina nodded, feeling silly that she needed this.
"Done," Maya said, "And if you really need it, I know Trav is free today and I'm sure he would come over and harass me if you need him to. I am sorry this is so hard."
"It's not your fault," Carina said, leaning in for one more hug, "I love you."
"I love you too," Maya said, "I promise, I will answer whenever you call, except from 10-11 when I am with Diane, but if you need me to, I will then."
"No," Carina said, pulling back, "Your session with Diane is important. I won't bother you."
"You are never a bother Babe," Maya said, smiling at her, "Now, you better go or you will be late."
"Please rest," Carina said as she went to get in the car.
"I don't think my body will let me not," Maya said, moving so Carina could pull out, waving as her family left.
Once they were gone, the blonde went back inside, deciding to go get ready for Diane's visit. Normally, Maya would go meet Diane at her office or she would have Diane come to her office, but the therapist was more than willing to make a house call for one of her favorite clients.
Maya went upstairs, changing out of the t-shirt and shorts she had slept in and into a slightly more fitted t-shirt and some yoga pants. As she did this, she noticed how her pants hugged her bump in a very specific way that her usual sweatpants did not. Her t-shirt also did not fit quite right, thought that was more due to her weight loss.
It was then that she realized that she was officially 12 weeks pregnant today which felt like such a huge accomplishment. This pregnancy had been so much more than she ever expected it would be and the fact that she made it this far actually brought tears to her eyes. Sure, that was pretty easy these days, but it felt like a big moment. She knew they still weren't out of the woods because of the subchorionic hematoma and her HG, but making it this far felt good.
She couldn't believe that they were going to wait until now to tell people because it felt like everyone had known about their Trottolino for so long. Part of her also felt a little bit disappointed because despite being 12 weeks pregnant, she was still in the throughs of HG that did not feel like it would be done any time soon.
She dried her eyes before going into the bathroom to finish getting ready. She took down the braid Carina had put her hair in the night before, now the only way she slept with it because she had zero desire to have to deal with her hair getting in the way when she woke up sick, combing the wavy locks before pulling it into a low ponytail that she knew she would be able to sleep in when she inevitably napped later on.
Once that was done, she grabbed her notebook she used often for therapy and headed back downstairs, going into the kitchen to get some yogurt along with a tumbler full of her special orange drink. She missed drinking plain water, but something about the plain beverage did not sit well in her stomach and while it didn't make her sick, it made her feel gross and at this point, anything that did that was off the list of things she would put in her body. She sat down at the table with her breakfast, eating it slowly so as to not upset her stomach, especially after how mad it had been the day before.
After she finished her yogurt, she washed her bowl before grabbing a small bowl of almonds and another one of sliced mango to snack on during her therapy session if she needed them. She had been trying to get in as many calories as she could when she wasn't feeling completely incapable of eating and she had found that having snacks around had helped a lot with that.
Just as she set the bowls down on the coffee table in the living room along with her drink, there was a knock at the door. Maya went to open it, smiling when she saw Diane standing on the other side.
"Come in," the blonde said, opening the door further, "Thanks for coming here. I am not really up to leaving the house at the moment."
"Of course," Diane said as she came in further, "How are you feeling?"
"Better today than yesterday," Maya said as they walked into the living room, "I am upright today and not incredibly nauseous and sick so that is a win."
"So it hasn't gotten any better?" Diane asked, having met with Maya a few weeks ago and heard just how miserable the blonde was.
"No," Maya said, "In fact, after a full week in the hospital, I now have some fancy attachments, a PICC line and continuous Zofran pump to try to help, and some days, the meds and extra fluids do a lot and other days, they are the only things that keep me out of hospitalization."
"That sounds terrible," Diane said.
"It's not great," Maya said, "But I am getting through it. Can I get you something to drink?"
"I'm good," Diane said, smiling as they both sat down.
Maya took a deep breath, knowing how these sessions went. Diane would just sit there in silence with her until she was ready to talk about whatever it was she needed to talk about. There were sessions where they would sit silently together for ten minutes as Maya fought her thoughts telling her not to say anything, but today, she was genuinely just in need of advice and help.
"I am having a hard time with my anxiety right now," Maya said, deciding to jump right in, "As I'm sure you have guessed, I am not able to be active, like at all, right now and I am officially off active duty probably for the rest of the pregnancy because I can't be on scene with how sick I am and I just…I am at a loss as to how to stop the thoughts swirling in my head."
"Well, let's start with what is going on in your head," Diane said.
"I'm worried about the baby," Maya said, biting her lip, "There was a point last week where none of the medical interventions were working and they were worried my kidneys were starting to not function properly that we were having conversations about not being able to continue with this pregnancy. Things have gotten better, I mean, obviously they let me go home, but every time I get sick, I am so worried that I am going to end up back in the hospital and sicker than before and that we are going to lose the baby."
Maya was fully sobbing by the end of this, Diane just giving her the space she needed to let out these emotions.
"I am so sorry you are going through this Maya," Diane said as the tears stopped, "I cannot even imagine how hard this must be, and it is perfectly normal to be scared and worried about all of it. I know you usually use running to help you cope when you do this, but what else have you been trying?"
"I have been making a lot of lists, like of stuff we need to do before Trottolino comes," Maya said, "And trying to do that thing you always tell me to do where I go through things I have control over, but that list feels so short right now that that makes me feel more anxious."
"Ok," Diane said, noticing Maya was crying again, but deciding to continue because she seemed like she was still listening, "That is completely understandable. You have come so far with your need to control external things, but now this is your body so it makes sense that this is a different kind of overwhelming. It is ok to feel overwhelmed by it. Pregnancy is overwhelming for most people. The fact that you are able to recognize how you are feeling and have been trying things that are not working out is a big deal. Now, you said that you have been making lists of stuff to do. That great and if it helps you, keep doing it, but I want you to try making lists of the things that are feeling out of control to you. Write them down, get them out of your head and onto paper and write why they make you feel overwhelmed or anxious or out of control. I think that processing all of this on paper will help. Are you talking to anyone about how you are feeling?"
"Carina and I talk about it a lot," Maya nodded, "I mean, I don't tell her every time I feel like this because she is worried about the same thing, but she knows how I feel and how out of control I feel too."
"Good," Diane said, "It's good to talk to her. Do you talk to anyone else?"
"You," Maya said, "I don't know. This doesn't feel like something I want to share with other people, at least not right now."
"And that's ok," Diane said, "You know you never have to share anything with anyone you don't want to. I was just curious how you were feeling about sharing. This is something very personal and it's ok to only want to share it with your wife. How is Carina doing?"
"She's doing alright," Maya said, "She was stressed about going back to work today and me being home alone, and I know all of this is stressing her out a lot. But she is talking to her therapist too, and I am trying to be there for her as much as I can. She had been amazing though. She is so supportive and takes care of me so well."
"Good," Diane said, feeling a swell of pride for the woman sitting in front of her because she knew how hard Maya had worked to get her marriage to the state it was in now, "How are the girls taking all of this?"
Maya sighed, picking up her drink and taking a few sips before looking back at Diane.
"That has honestly been one of the most stressful things about this whole situation," Maya sighed, "Both of them had such a hard time when I was in the hospital, and we hoped that once I came home, things would calm down for both of them and it did for Rowan, I mean, she is still more clingy than normal, but she is doing well. Nora, on the other hand, is struggling, still, so much. She has been crying so much and so worried about me. She even told Carina she didn't want the baby anymore. It's so hard to watch her struggle. I mean, they are our babies and I just…I never wanted either of them to experience that kind of anxiety, let alone at three."
Maya was crying again, burying her head in her hands. Again, Diane just let it happen, Maya's head eventually coming back up to look at the therapist.
"Sorry," Maya said, wiping her eyes, "I mean, I know you hate when I apologize for crying, but the hormones are making it so much more intense than normal. Sometimes, I cry when Carina brings me something to drink which is another kind of out of control I never expected."
"Hey, I have three of my own," Diane said, "I remember how the hormones. I have no advice for those. Sorry."
Maya smiled a little at this, wiping one final tear off her cheek.
"Now, the twins," Diane said, "Obviously professionally, I don't know much about kids, because my firefighters aren't toddlers, even if they act like them sometimes, but I will tell you that making sure they know you are ok and that however they are feeling is ok and helping them identify those feelings is so important. My kids were young when I got hurt and we went through a lot of separation anxiety and just general anxiety about my wellbeing."
"How did you help them through it?" Maya asked, tears flowing down her cheeks again, not even caring at this point.
"We talked to them a lot about what happened and were very honest with them," Diane said, "I was in and out of the hospital for a long time for surgeries and infections and some intensive rehab so that was rough. We made sure to never get mad when they were clingy and to make sure they are supported. We had a child life specialist come up to my room a few times to help the kids with all of it, but really, it was a lot about just being there as much as we could and making them feel validated in their feelings but also helping them reframe how they thought about being separated from me. And lots of hugs and cuddles when we were together."
"We are doing that," Maya said, wiping her tears, "Or we are trying. I just wish there was something I could do to take their hurt away."
"That is always what we want as parents," Diane sighed, "But unfortunately, we are raising humans who are going to have to feel pain, and the best thing we can do for them is be there to hold their hand through the hardest parts and make sure they learn how to navigate those feelings in a healthy way as they get older."
"It's so hard," Maya said, wiping at her tears before resting her hands on her bump, "And yet, we voluntarily signed up to do it again."
"They are so worth it," Diane said, smiling as Maya nodded, "And remember to trust your judgement as a mom. If you think they need more help than you can give them, there are great childhood psychologists in Seattle and I can get you some references."
The two of them chatted a little longer about some other strategies Maya could try to help her anxiety as well as things she and Carina could try to support the twins through all of this.
By the time Diane left, Maya felt like she at least had some things to maybe help her stop being so anxious, and she was exhausted so she grabbed her phone and drink, heading upstairs to take a nap.
She texted Carina as she climbed into bed, letting her wife know therapy was over and that she was still feeling about the same as she had been in the morning. She managed to keep her eyes open as she waited to hear back from her wife, a little surprised when her phone started ringing for a facetime.
"Hey," Maya said, not moving from where she had curled up under the blankets in their bed, Carina's pillow in her arms.
"Oh, were you sleeping Bambina?" Carina asked, "I'm sorry."
"No, I wasn't yet," Maya said, "I am going to once we hang up though. Therapy made me tired."
"Did it go ok?" Carina asked, seeing the puffiness in her wife's face, evidence of a lot of crying.
"Yeah," Maya said, "Diane gave me somethings to try to help with my anxiety. And we talked about the bambine and she said that we are doing everything we can for them right now, and that if we think we need more, she can send recommendations for therapists for them."
"I don't think we are there yet," Carina sighed.
"I don't either," Maya said, "But it's good to know if we ever do need it. How were they at drop off?"
"Rowan did ok. She cried a little bit, but she walked in all by herself," Carina said, "But Nora cried so hard I thought she was going to make herself sick. Nicole took her though and she texted me about half an hour after I dropped her off saying that the tears had stopped, though Nora wouldn't let her put her down."
"Oh Piccola," Maya said, tears running down her own cheeks, "Maybe I will ask Travis to bring her home before her nap."
"No," Carina said, "I mean, Nicole said she calmed down and she is not going to be able to just come home whenever. She needs to get the confidence that she can do this. I will keep texting with Nicole and if it gets worse, I will text Travis to get her, but I don't think we should just pull her out. We will give her lots of cuddles tonight and keep talking to her, but for today, if she isn't too upset, we should let her see how it goes."
"I just hate that she is feeling like that," Maya said, tears still rolling down her cheeks.
"I know," Carina said, "I do too, but we have to help her realize that she can feel these feelings and that we will be there to help her through them but that she can also feel them and not let them control her life. That's part of our job as her moms."
"Diane basically said the same thing," Maya said, wiping her tears, "I know it's important, I just hate it."
"I do too," Carina said, wishing she could just be at home with her wife and her daughters right now.
The two of them just sat there on the phone together, not talking, just being with each other for a few minutes until Maya couldn't contain a massive yawn.
"Ok, go take a nap Bambina," Carina said, laughing a little bit, "Text me when you wake up?"
"I will," Maya promised, "And text me if anything changes with the twins?"
"I promise," Carina said, "I hope you have a restful sleep. I love you."
"I love you too," Maya said, smiling sleepily at her wife.
"Tell Trottolino I love them," Carina said, "And to let you sleep."
"They said they love you too," Maya mumbled with a smile, "And they said they will try, but no promises."
Maya hung up the call, setting her phone on her nightstand before allowing her eyes to slip shut and a much-needed nap to begin.
What did you think? I'm thinking we are going to start doing some bigger time jumps (a few weeks or so) because I need to get this story moving a little bit more. The updates might be a little slower for the next few weeks. I have a few big things coming up for school that are going to unfortunately need my attention, and I don't know if any other writers are running into this, but I am having a much harder time writing now that the season is back. This season is hitting very close to home and making it hard to write anything. I'm trying to keep it going, but it is going to be a little slower. Thank you all for sticking with me. I am very excited about this story and sharing the things I have planned with you all. Thank you so much for reading, commenting, and favoriting and following! It means so much!
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