This chapter picks up immediately after the whole Edward/Bella/Jared confrontation.

Thanks for reading! Please don't hurt me lol

38
- when was it over? -

Edward POV

I can't make you raise that baby.

After I say it, Bella's face further falls, and whatever light was in her eyes dims.

It fucking tears me up inside. I'm breaking her heart.

I hate myself for it. So fucking much.

But it's true—I can't ask that of her. Expect that of her. She deserves so much fucking more than to wait around for me to clean up this mess I've made.

And what she's asking of me? One day? It's all I want. I have no fucking idea when that will be. I just can't see a way out yet.

My heart cracked in my chest when she said she'd wait for me because it was all I wanted. But how long can she hold out? What kind of life is that for her? I don't know what is going to happen, and I can't give her a date. When the baby is one? Two? After Gianna and I have been divorced for six months? A year? I can't put a timeline on that. It's unfair and selfish of me to expect her to wait.

I just don't know what the fuck is going to happen. Emotionally, I've been in limbo for the last two weeks. My head's been in it with Gianna. Not in a romantic way, but as a responsibility. A burden. My brain has been so focused on what needs to happen for her and the baby to be okay.

But my heart?

My fucking heart.

It's been with Bella.

I know she doesn't feel that right now, though. I know she doesn't understand it. I'm doing a shit job of getting my point across. After I tell her I can't make her raise the baby, she doesn't say a single word. Nothing. Her expression is deflated and detached. I reach out for her, wanting to comfort her, but she moves away.

That simple move to protect herself breaks my fucking heart. I should be the one protecting her right now, but I'm only hurting her.

Still silent, she turns away from me and walks inside her house.

Despite my instincts, I let her go. I don't even know how, but I do. I don't know if she'll ever forgive me, but I have to tell myself this is what's best for her. We're too close to this mess to see things clearly. Too caught up in it to make any real decisions right now.

I head inside my house and examine my face in the hallway mirror.

Motherfucking Jared.

I get it, though. I really do. That's why I let him hit me. I know I deserved it.

It's hard to feel regret, though. Deep down I know I should've handled all of this differently. I should've left Gianna years ago. I should've had more self-restraint when it came to Bella. I shouldn't have dragged her into this thing with me. But I love her. I love her. And I can't take any of it back now. All I can do is move forward and accept my responsibility in all of this.

If Bella has regrets, I wouldn't even blame her. Everything is so fucked up, and this wasn't the way it was supposed to go. I was honest with her when I said I wasn't mad she confessed to Jared. I felt a strange sense of relief. Finally, it's out there. Finally, it's not a secret.

I know what I need to do next. I need to come clean to Gianna.

My stomach twists when I think about her. When I think about when the doctor told her about the baby.

It took Gianna three days to become conscious, and when she finally woke up, she was disoriented and couldn't really talk because of the tube that had previously been down her throat. She tried to speak, but the doctor told her to save her energy. He asked about her pain level and told her to use her fingers to indicate the number. She was at an eight. I couldn't even fucking imagine, and I reached for her hand then.

The doctor went over her injuries and what happened. She cried a lot while she learned every detail. And then he told her she was pregnant. Maybe it was cowardly of me, but I felt relieved I didn't have to be the one to tell her.

I wasn't sure if she already knew or not. Wasn't sure if she'd kept it from me, but after that first day of finding out the news myself, I'd told the doctor if I didn't know about the baby, there was a chance she didn't either.

Her lack of surprise after he broke the news confirmed she did know. She knew she was pregnant, and she didn't tell me.

An ultrasound later that day confirmed she was nine weeks pregnant. Which meant this was a result of the sex we had on our anniversary.

When we were alone, I asked her how this happened. She said her birth control had run out and she'd put off making a doctor's appointment to get the prescription refilled. And then I asked why she didn't tell me about being pregnant. She just shrugged and said she hadn't known for long.

That was the only time we'd spoken about the baby. Gianna and I still haven't had a real conversation about our situation yet. I've tried, but she shuts down every time. After everything her body has been through, I'm trying not to push her.

Between recovering enough to come home, going over treatment plans, and dealing with her grief and anger and outrage that she's in this position at all, the baby is the last thing she wants to talk about.

My phone buzzes in my pocket, pulling me out of my thoughts. It's selfish but I'm hoping it's a text from Bella wanting to come over. If she asked me to, I would. I denied her once. I don't have it in me to do it again.

It's not Bella, though. It's Gianna's mom, messaging that they're flying in tomorrow and that Jasper will pick them up from the airport. I 'like' her message, realizing everyone will see my fucked-up face. I'm not sure how I'll explain that, but maybe this is a good thing. Maybe this needs to be out there once and for all.

Walking into my kitchen, I grab a bag of frozen veggies from the freezer and park my ass in a chair in front of the window, so I can see Bella's driveway.

Pressing the cold package to my swollen lip, I watch. I understand Jared's need to leave, but I didn't fucking like the way he got in her face. How he let his anger blind him. I'm concerned about what will happen when, or if, he comes back home.

So I sit, and I watch, and I wait.

I won't sleep tonight, but that's fine. I've been loving Bella from a distance for six years.

One night is nothing.

XXX

"What happened to your face?"

It's the first thing Gianna says to me the next morning when I walk into her hospital room.

Of course, this was inevitable.

I don't say a word, just slide a chair closer to her bed.

"Seriously, you look awful," she tells me bluntly. "Did you even sleep?"

No, I didn't, and I was able to see that Jared got home around five in the morning. I was tempted to text Bella to make sure everything was okay, but thankfully after ten minutes, Jared was on his way out again with a bag in hand this time. He tossed it in the backseat and then flipped off in the general direction of my house before getting into his car and leaving.

"We need to talk," I tell Gianna.

She's going home tomorrow and starts physical therapy next week. A few days ago, we spent some time with me learning how to help her out of bed to get into her single-arm wheelchair since one of her arms is still in a cast. It took a lot out of her. The next day we tried again, and she wheeled herself up and down the halls, grateful to leave the room. She had the biggest smile for the smallest thing.

She's not smiling now though.

"You're right, we do need to talk. Tell me what happened to your face, Edward."

I don't know how to start this.

But I know I need to be honest.

"Jared hit me," I say, letting my words linger.

She stares at me.

Silence.

"Why did Jared hit you?" she asks, but I know Gianna well enough to know that she has already put two and two together. She wants me to say it out loud.

"Because he found out that Bella and I were having an affair," I confess.

Her face stays stoic. "Were?" she asks, catching onto the past tense.

"We ended it."

"When?"

"The day you were in the accident," I tell her truthfully, and she closes her eyes. "I'm sorry." I mean it. I hate that this has to happen now, especially under the circumstances, but I've been delaying the inevitable. She deserves to know.

Her eyes open, and they're dry. She doesn't cry, but I wasn't expecting her to.

"I had a feeling, of course. Ever since Napa. But I didn't think you would actually act on your attraction for her. I thought you were better than that. At least have the decency to end our marriage first," she mutters angrily.

I swallow. "You're right. You didn't deserve that."

"No, I didn't. I don't deserve any of this. To be injured. To have gotten hit by a fucking car. To be pregnant," she adds, staring up at the ceiling. "Do you know why I didn't tell you about the baby?"

"No."

"I was in San Francisco when I found out, and my immediate reaction was that I didn't want it. I worried you might talk me into having it. But then I flew home a few days later, and you were so distant with me, more so than ever, and suddenly I was worried you wouldn't want it. Which would mean you didn't want me. But either way, I wanted it to be my decision. Mine. I didn't want your input," she says, revealing her truth.

"You never have wanted my input," I remind her sourly.

"Don't be so dramatic."

I ignore her dismissiveness like I have for years. "So, is that why you were coming onto me the night you got back home? You wanted me to… want you?"

She somehow looks equal parts guilty and unapologetic. "I'll admit, finding out I was pregnant rattled me. The night I had dinner with my parents, I just wanted to forget. For one fucking night. I didn't want to be pregnant. Didn't want to be someone's wife. Someone's mom." Another flash of guilt. "I got drunk. And at one point, I was tempted to kiss Ben."

I wasn't expecting that. To be honest, zero part of me cares. And I've done so much fucking worse. But I still have to ask. "Did you?"

She scoffs. "No. I didn't really want him, anyway. Just wanted to do something I could control, maybe. But I didn't because I have self-discipline, unlike you."

I'm trying to make it add up. "So, you wanted to sleep with me because you felt guilty?"

She shrugs. "How ironic that I felt shitty over a kiss that never happened, and you felt zero guilt fucking Bella behind my back."

I sigh heavily, not denying her accusation.

"After we got back from Napa, why were you so insistent we start therapy?" I have a good idea it had to do with her suspicions of Bella, but I need to hear it.

Gianna sits up straighter in bed. "I don't like losing," she says simply. "That's why."

It had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with her.

We're quiet for a very long time.

A nurse comes in to check her vitals. The atmosphere must be stifling because the usually chatty nurse stays quiet, eyeing us.

"So, was it worth it? Banging the neighbor?" she asks once we're alone, acid in her tone.

It pisses me off that she purposely makes it sound like a meaningless fuck. Like I would break our vows just to get my dick wet. But it's a tricky question to be asked, and I don't know how truthful she wants me to be.

"Hurting you wasn't worth it, no. But…"

Gianna laughs humorlessly, raising a brow. "You're joking, right? You're actually going to sit here and tell me that fucking Bella was worth it?"

"Yes. I'm in love with her," I unapologetically admit.

"Get the fuck out."

"Gianna—"

"No, get out."

"We need to talk about this, though. I'm trying to be honest with you and—"

"You've been fucking someone behind my back, and now you want to be honest?" she asks, her voice controlled. "You don't know how many times I could've cheated on you. How many times I've been hit on during a business trip. Propositioned. But I restrained myself because I'm a good wife and a loyal person."

"Maybe you are loyal, but..."

Her face falls in disbelief that I would insinuate she was a bad partner. "So, cheating on me was my fault?"

"No, I'm not saying that. I know I could've handled this situation better. Differently. I'm owning up to my mistakes now. But you're not going to take any ownership in this, too? You just admitted to not wanting my input over our baby. But that isn't new. You've treated me that way for a while."

"You want me to take ownership for you cheating? No! This is all on you, Edward. All of it."

"I'm not talking about me cheating, Gianna. I'm talking about our marriage. We had problems before I fell in love with Bella," I tell her. "You never respected me. Never believed in me."

"Of course, I respect you," she defends.

"Ever since I became an author, you looked down on me. You didn't show any interest until Ben said he liked my work. Don't you see how fucked up that is?"

"I look down on you because I don't get why you would leave your finance career to do that!" she says louder. "You worked so hard and threw it all away. Years of schooling, student loans. I believed in you and told you to stick it out. That it would get better. I told you time and time again I didn't want you to switch careers. But you didn't listen to me or respect my wishes."

"I was able to pay off my student loans—and yours—with my first book," I point out, a fact that she refuses to acknowledge or appreciate. "And I didn't listen to you because I was fucking unhappy in a career I hated."

"Who the hell is happy, Edward?" she snaps. "Don't be so fucking stupid."

Gone is the vulnerable Gianna I've witnessed these last two weeks. She's almost been a different person, stuck in this bed, stuck having to rely on me. She was kind and soft, and knowing I was going to eventually leave her made me feel guiltier with every passing day. But this accident didn't change her. She's still the same old Gianna. Self-centered, narcissistic, refusing to admit her part in our marriage ending.

"I want a divorce," I say honestly.

She holds my gaze, dropping her own truth. "Yeah? Well, I want an abortion."

She says it spitefully, but there's truth in her tone. She says it like she purposely wants to hurt me, and even if it does hurt a little, there's a small part of me that feels relieved.

"You don't have to do that, Gianna," I say, meaning it. "You can have our baby. I want you to. We can co-parent, and I'll help you recover. But neither of those things change the fact that I don't want to be with you anymore."

For a split second, she looks sad. But I have to wonder if it's because I'm the one dictating what's going to happen.

"I don't want another baby," she says quietly. "Maybe that makes me shitty, but this baby wasn't made out of love."

"But we would love it," I whisper, meaning that, too.

She shrugs. "Yeah, but I never wanted more kids. And it doesn't make sense to bring a child into an already broken situation. I can't take on more responsibilities. I'm up for a promotion soon. So, this would be mostly on you. And as much as I want to punish you for what you did to me, to make you raise this baby alone… I can't do that."

I lean forward, elbows on my thighs, taking in everything she's saying. I'm stunned, I guess. I've spent the last two weeks thinking we'd eventually have another kid. Thinking my time with Bella was over.

"I don't know what to say," I mumble.

"There's nothing you can say. It's my choice."

She's right, I guess. I can appreciate her honesty and her humility. And I do respect her choice. But part of me wonders why she's so easily come to this conclusion.

I'm going to feel shitty for it, but I ask, "Is the baby really mine, Gianna?"

"Fuck you," she says icily. "You're the cheater, not me."

I stay silent, accepting her anger. I've said my piece, given her options, and offered to be there for her if she wants to do this. This is ultimately up to her, but I wouldn't be shocked if this is what she'd wanted all along. So, I have to ask her that, too.

"Even if I hadn't asked for a divorce or had an affair… is this still the route you'd want to take?"

"Yes," she says, without expanding. "I already had an appointment set up for next week to get rid of it."

Maybe this shouldn't shock me, but it does. And I guess that's why this decision seems easy. She's not just now deciding she wants an abortion. This has been her choice all along.

"You weren't going to tell me about the baby at all?" I ask.

All she does is shrug.

Silence falls over us again.

"Be honest," she eventually says, and I guess we do that with each other finally—are honest with one another. "When did you fall out of love with me?" I hesitate, and she says, "Oddly enough, I actually want to know, Edward."

"A few months after meeting Bella," I instantly say, watching recognition flicker across her face.

She sighs. "That's why you wanted us to buy the house next door?" I just nod. "You're an asshole," she laughs bitterly. "I fell out of love with you when you quit your job."

I didn't ask because I didn't want to know. But she tells me anyway because she doesn't care about how it will make me feel. She only cares about herself.

"Gianna, you never fucking loved me," I correct her. "You loved the person you wanted me to be."

She doesn't deny it.

I have to admit—it kind of stings.

But at least now I've confirmed what I already know: I'm doing the right thing by finally ending my marriage.