Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto
CHAPTER 12
Naruto waved at Hinata as she trotted away across the meadow, heading toward the trail which led down their hill to meet Shima for her daily training session. He stood shirtless in the middle of a pile of boards that were left over from the hut's construction, wearing only his orange pants and an expression of determination.
"I'll have this bench swing built in no time, dattebayo!" he shouted just before she disappeared from sight. She blew him a quick kiss in response to his promise, causing his chest to puff with confidence. But when he turned around his shoulders slumped as he exhaled. The hut had at least come with a blueprint. This thing was gonna have to be completely built from scratch.
Clapping his hands together and rubbing them vigorously to feel the stimulating burn of friction Naruto huffed a sharp breath out of his mouth. "I totally got this," he stated out loud to no one.
An hour later he was starting to think he did not 'got this'. "Maybe I just need a snack," he groaned. Sakura had always nagged him about the importance of 'brain-food' while growing up. He still didn't understand why she had insisted that ramen did not fall in that category, but something in the hut must fit the menu. Producing a clone to take over the project, he wished his doppelgänger good luck and headed inside, pointedly ignoring the kage bunshin's glare at being abandoned.
Opening the window shutters as wide as they would go to let the breeze flow through the single room, Naruto grabbed an apple and a rice ball before settling down at the chabudai. The papers from the box were still spread out over its surface, and he skimmed over them as he munched. He pushed the pages of intel into a pile to look at with Hinata later, and glanced at the numbers on the bank statements. The amounts had his mouth pausing mid-chew, he had no idea Ero-senin was stupid rich! His eyes narrowed as he noted the amount of royalties that were being hoarded into one of the accounts. Why the hell was that old toad always stealing from Gama-chan if he was earning this kind of money?
Grumbling around his snack Naruto flicked the document aside and looked at the next one, which also seemed to contain a healthy sum, and he scowled. Some good all this money did. In the end Ero-senin had never been able to enjoy the luxuries that such wealth could have bought. The complicated aspects of his multiple dreams had never allowed him much respite. The next page was just more rows and columns of numbers, none of which really mattered anymore. There was no amount of money that could buy Naruto another day with his godfather. The digits blurred and he flipped a few more pages, until suddenly his eyes caught on his own name.
Lifting the page off the table Naruto blinked several times. Was…was this right? Was that his own name on the beneficiary line? Did that mean what he thought it meant? Tossing the apple core out the window he hunched over the paper, starting to read it over again from the top. There was a lot of legal mumbo jumbo, but if he wasn't mistaken…
He straightened abruptly, overwhelmed by the potential of what laid before him and carefully set the paper aside with the gentleness of handling a live bomb. Better to have Hinata look at that. If he was right, then…then he had no idea what hell to do with it.
Scooping up the stressful pile of papers Naruto moved to cram them back into the box that he kind of wished he still never knew existed, when he noticed the worn journals in the bottom. He grimaced, he had one guess what kind of perverted smut was probably contained within those pages, and he didn't want to lose his appetite. Drumming his fingers on the table he stared at the books, mouth twisting in derision. If Hinata saw the shit Ero-senin wrote she would probably burn every last one. His gaze wandered out the window to the trail where she had disappeared. She wouldn't be back for a while yet. He should probably skim over this while she was gone, just to spare her. Yeah, that was what a good boyfriend would do.
Telling himself he was sacrificing his sanity to protect his girlfriend, that he was a martyr not a pervert, Naruto picked up the top journal and peeked at a random page. But instead of rows of elicit words, a series of hand drawn diagrams filled the page, criss-crossed with scribbled notes that were definitely not Ero-senin's handwriting. Naruto blinked, grasping the book with two hands and opening it wide, turning it sideways and upright and upside down as he tilted his head in confusion. What was this chaos? Which way was even up? His face scrunched as he started flipping through page after page.
He got the gist that this was some sort of a research notebook, and the author was very interested in physics and applying it to the creation of a new jutsu to accomplish…something…big. Naruto flipped backwards towards the beginning, the multiple experiments documented within peaking his interest to the point where he might actually feel the foreign urge to study it all, when he suddenly froze.
At the top of a page was a loosely drawn sphere that could only be one thing. "A Rasengan?" he mumbled, completely forgetting about all the other papers and even the half eaten rice ball. Underneath the sketch the words 'Rasen-Flash-Super-Circle-Dance-Howl: Stage 3' were written in large characters with noticeably broader strokes that spoke of the author's pride. An author who was not Ero-senin.
Frantically Naruto thumbed back to the very first page, nearly cracking the spine of the leather journal as he forcefully whipped it open, and promptly dropped it like it was covered in fire when he saw the name in the front. Namikaze Minato. Neat, even, unmistakable.
Father. It was his father's. He had held this in his hands. Put a lifetime of research into it. And it still existed, even when the man himself was long gone. Naruto was breathing hard as he read the date on the first page. His dad couldn't have been more than a teenager when he began this research. So that would have made him what, a chunin? Jonin? Shit he didn't even know what age his own father was promoted. No one had ever told him. Shakily thumbing through the pages he looked at the dates randomly marked on some of the notes, wishing someone had told him more about this man. It seemed like he definitely had to be a Jonin by the end of the journal. But, maybe not yet Hokage?
The figures, calculations, and theories swam together as tears filled Naruto's eyes. His fingers slowed and fumbled as he read, marveling and aching at the thoughts that poured out of his father's mind. A mind he wasn't familiar with, but that he desperately wished he could know. At the bottom of some pages were random notes hastily scribbled in a way that was at odds with the methodical research above. Naruto jumped from one section to another, hunting for those crumbs of humanity hidden in the pages of calculations, desperate to feed the lifelong hunger for family that ached within his gut.
"Kushina said she would go to the festival with me. Remember to ask Jiraiya-sensei for gift ideas."
"The festival was amazing, but note to self, never ask Sensei for any gift ideas, ever again."
"Anniversary coming up: get permission from Fukasaku to bring Kushina to Mt Myoboku for a surprise dinner. Alone. And politely ask Shima not to cook. Food to bring: Ramen?…"
"I think Kushina is my soulmate, I want to marry her. Need to budget for rings. Ask Mikoto-san what she might like. Do NOT ask Jiraiya."
"The Sandaime told me I was his pick for the next Hokage, the council meeting is tomorrow. All my hopes are finally coming together. I have the love of my life and my dream. It almost seems too good to be true."
Abruptly Naruto slammed the journal shut, pushing it far across the small table with both hands until his forehead pressed into the smooth wood. His ragged breaths were punctuated with heavy sniffling as he swallowed hard. Elation, sadness, and anger all stormed inside his chest, overwhelming him as he closed his eyes and let the tears fall in fat plops upon the table. Ero-senin had had this book all this time? Why did he hide it? Why hide any of this information from him? It was his father. His legacy. The only family he had. The fucking Yondaime for Kami's sake! Why? Why did everything have to be so hard?
It almost seems too good to be true…
Fisting a hand he slammed it into the table, jerking upright and scrubbing his face with his forearm. Stupid secrets. Did nobody trust him? Was he that awful as a kid that no one thought he deserved to know anything about his parents? Was he that hard to love?
The years of starving. Hiding from the hate in the eyes of the adults. Longing for playmates. Cold showers every time the landlord got pissed and shut off the hot water out of spite. Failing year after year at the academy because no one would help him, in fact some flat out sabotaged him. All of it would have been just a little more bearable if he had only known…if he had only been given one thing to cherish…
Heartbroken fury, the kind Naruto had spent a lifetime carefully stamping down, welled up in a fiery burst in his heart, drying his tears and igniting his temper. He gripped the table and flipped it, not noticing the claw marks his lengthening fingernails etched along the edge. Papers swirled through the room, the box and books thunking loudly on the floorboards. A bank statement full of mockingly large figures that could never fix any of the actual problems in his life floated past his reddening vision. He ripped it from the air and was about to tear it in half when the door slammed open.
"What the hell are you doing Boy?" Fukasaku growled threateningly. Naruto whirled, startled enough that the thin film of red chakra that had started to boil out of his skin popped like a fragile blanket of bubbles in a harsh wind. He was panting, his heart was pounding, but the sight of his friend helped ground his spiraling thoughts and the building rage stuttered out.
Unable to form words yet, Naruto swallowed hard and dropped the paper, wiping his sweaty hands on his pants while Fukasaku's buggy eyes took in the mess around the small room. Walking to the chabudai he shoved it out of the way, bending to pick up a few papers that were pinned underneath. His white eyebrows shot up as he read them, and he scooped up more, his mouth working in stern concentration while Naruto slumped against the wall and pressed the heels of his hands into his stinging eyes as he slid down to the floor.
"Well, I'll be damned," the old sage croaked, plopping down next to the table. "This is a surprise. Jiraiya-boy had quite the little nest egg there. What I don't understand," his yellow eyes lifted to Naruto's flushed face, "is why you are so worked up over such a generous inheritance?"
Naruto slid his eyes sideways, pinning the journal that had landed just behind Fukasaku with a piercing gaze. The small toad followed his look, twisting around and picking it up. He glanced at the cover thoughtfully before brushing it off and opening it to the first page. To his credit, he did not gasp, but only just barely. Naruto kneaded his knuckles into his pounding temples and sniffled away the last bit of tears while Fukasaku read at lightning speed, flipping page after page. The rapid pace paused as he seemed to hesitate over a passage at the bottom of one spot, and his head snapped up.
By then Naruto was staring off out the window, forearms propped on his knees with his hands dangling loosely in the air, expression flat and shuttered. Fukasaku's fingers tightened on the journal, the pieces of the puzzle fitting together in his mind, and he slowly closed the precious book and gently set it down. He studied the way Naruto's jaw was clenching, and could only guess at what kind of sternly reigned in hurt and grief could be causing that muscle near his eye to tick. He sighed heavily and Naruto stiffened, anticipating a harsh scolding.
"Oh Naruto, it is okay to be angry sometimes."
His blond hair swished as he turned his head sharply, one brow raised in suspicion. But Fukasaku continued. "Just because they died a long time ago doesn't mean the grief is old for you. Just because you didn't know them as well as some of us doesn't mean it hurts you any less. Grief comes in all shapes. Anger is one of them. It's necessary. It's valid."
Naruto looked down, his mouth working as he struggled to voice his emotions. "I hate being angry at Ero-senin. At Jiji. I hate how they handled things with my parents' deaths, but I hate being angry even more. I feel guilty for thinking about them in this way after they're gone. I want them back too, partly so I can kick their asses, partly because I have so many questions. I just," his head fell back and thudded soundly against the wall, "I just want it all to be easier."
Fukasaku snorted but didn't disagree. Standing up he shuffled over to Naruto, squeezing his shoulder firmly. "I wish I could make it go away. I wish I could turn back time. I wish I could give you the same second chance you gave me. But all I can do is be here for you, and give you my honesty and my support. So come on." He knocked Naruto gently on the head with his green knuckles. "Let's go spar. No holding back. Let it all out, I can take it. And afterwards, I will go through the journal with you if you'd like and tell you everything I know."
Naruto's smile was wobbly and one-sided, but he nodded all the same and pushed himself up. "Thanks Pa," he whispered as they headed out the door to the barren, rocky training grounds.
For the next few hours he unleashed his inner turmoil one jutsu, one punch, one kick, one stab at a time. Fukasaku was panting but he never complained, throwing all kinds of stumps, rocks, and chakra in front of the storm that was Uzumaki Naruto, letting him spend himself physically as he worked out his mental chaos. As they battled, Fukasaku began adding comments here and there about his father. Pointing out small similarities in how they fought. Mentioning a funny anecdote about Minato's time learning senjutsu. Even recalling his first impression of Kushina when they had briefly met during that same visit to Mt. Myoboku the journal had alluded to. Things that made the enigma of The Yellow Flash and the former Jinchuriki of the Kyūbi more human. More real. Things that any son would want to know about his parents.
Despite the exhaustion of the brutal spar, Naruto could feel his heart lifting. The frustrated growls that tore out of his throat when the sparring had started shifted instead to tired chuckles by the end of it. Up to this point in his life, every time he thought of his parents it had raised negative emotions because no one had told him anything to ease the hurt. But with each small, shared memory Fukasaku was helping Naruto balance the pain with something pleasant. It couldn't erase the ache, but it filled the cracks in his heart the way kintsugi sealed a broken bowl with gold. Making it somehow more perfect for what it had endured.
"That's enough for now," Fukasaku gasped as he barely blocked an enormous boulder Naruto had chucked at him. "I need some food, you need some water, and the landscape needs a break." Naruto only nodded, already reaching for his drink and greedily chugging the contents of his bamboo canteen. Sighing deeply he wiped his mouth on his arm and shifted his feet as Fukasaku picked up his cane.
"Thanks again," Naruto said hesitantly, feeling a bit awkward as he looked for the right words, "for stopping me before I lost it. For not yelling at me for being upset. For helping me find a way to let it out, and telling me about my parents while you were at it." He picked at a callus on his hand, chewing his lip as the old toad waited patiently. "And, maybe later you could look at the journal with me? I'm shit at math, but I want to understand my father's notes if I can. I want to understand…a lot about him. Them. Perhaps there's something in there that can help me with other stuff too?" He pressed a hand to the seal on his stomach, lifting his eyes meaningfully to meet Fukasaku's gaze.
The Toad nodded, understanding what was left unsaid. "I will help you anytime. Perhaps tomorrow while the women train in chakra we can train your mind, eh?"
Naruto's face twisted. "Ugh, if that's just a fancy ass way of saying 'study time', it doesn't make it sound any more appealing."
Fukasaku's laugh echoed off the empty canyon walls as the two leaped across the tops of the rock towers, heading back to the greener jungles where their huts lay. "Any Hokage worth his hat understands that power is not just about the variety of jutsu they know or the chakra they possess. If you want to lead The Leaf someday boy, you need to educate yourself."
The light jibe didn't elicit the enthusiastic boasting he had expected, and Fukasaku looked over his shoulder at Naruto as they jumped again. He was lost in thought. His blue eyes open but vacant, the stomp and leap of his pace automatic.
"Naruto, I can't help but feel you're miles away even though you're right behind me."
The young man blinked, his gaze refocusing on Fukasaku for a split second then darting restlessly away. "Sometimes I can't help but think I might not be cut out for Hokage after all."
The toad nearly missed his next step, barely hooking his cane on the next rock to catch himself as he gaped at Naruto. Never, in all the years he had known the loudmouth, had he expressed anything other than ignorant determination to attain his dream. "Wh-what did you say?"
Naruto landed sideways on the pillar of stone next to him, clenching and unclenching his hands as he stood perpendicular on the tall, upright rock. "Perhaps, I don't want to be Hokage anymore? I always thought I wanted people to see me, respect me. But after Pein's attack when I finally got what I wanted it was…shallow?" He scratched his head roughly, pulsing the chakra in his feet as he paced up and down the rock.
"It was nice, just, not really as amazing as I thought it would be. I felt more satisfaction and joy when I learned the Rasengan. Or when I mastered Sage Mode. And when I think about choosing between running The Network or sitting behind the Hokage desk," he snorted, "honestly it's no-contest."
Fukasaku stared at him. "Naruto, being the Hokage is a lot more than just recognition and paperwork. That's certainly part of it, but…well, okay so that might be a big part of it. But there are meetings as well, very important ones. You're the face of Konoha, a political leader, a role model to the masses, civilians and shinobi alike…"
The deadpanned expression Naruto wore expressed exactly what he felt about the fancy job description. Fukasaku rubbed his forehead, frowning in thought. "Hmm, yes, I see your point. But that doesn't mean you wouldn't be an amazing Hokage. When times get tough it will be you they look to for hope and encouragement. You who protects them to the end. You who negotiates with the enemy. You who are the heartbeat of the village. The Hokage is Konohagakure. That mentality already runs through your veins. Your father, mother, mentor, sensei…they all have helped to fill you with the potential to do anything you put your mind to. And it is your own unfailing determination that will get you there. Be that Hokage, Master of the Spy Network, or Sage of Mt Myoboku…anything is possible."
"I'm no 'professor' like Jiji," Naruto burst out. "No one ever called me smart. I have no terrifying reputation like Ero-senin, just a demon I can't control. No kekkei genkai like Hashirama. My pedigree is a secret, I can't use it to my advantage like Baa-chan. I have nothing that holds a candle next to any of the previous Hokage. All my life I've been kicked to the shadows. Perhaps I should just become the king of them."
Fukasaku opened his mouth to snap back, to tell the frustrated youth what to do, what to think…but he paused. Who was he to tell him that? In a world that was constantly changing, was Naruto not allowed to change as well? Was his path in life carved into stone, or was he a ball of clay, being molded and formed by his experiences and choices? Fukasaku could not force Naruto into anything, it would only make him fight harder for freedom, and was that not what he had been doing already?
Nodding to himself, the old sage turned back toward their homes with a new perspective. "I will support you in whatever you choose as your goal, Naruto-boy. So long as it is honorable and you give it your whole effort, I will stand by your side. But don't give up on Konoha just yet, eh?"
Naruto picked up a small stone and hurled it lazily across the canyon, squinting thoughtfully after it. "I'll think about it. For now, I just want to focus on protecting The Network and protecting Hinata. If I can do those things, then maybe I'll be worthy enough to become Hokage."
They leap away, a somewhat restless silence settling between them. Fukasaku sighed internally as he observed the way Naruto kicked sharply off the landscape. He had run out of words and sparring moves to straighten out the agitated youth. The rest would have to be smoothed over by the boy's mate.
One of the rocks Naruto stomped off of tumbled down the sharp incline of its perch, ricocheting off the canyon walls and causing a domino effect of destruction in its wake. The distracted young man hardly seemed to notice.
Fukasaku grimaced and jumped further ahead of the minor natural disaster. He hoped Hinata was up to the task.
Hinata collapsed onto her backside, catching the side of the large leaf and tumbling into a heap on the muddy shore. Pain shot up her spine and she barely bit back a groan. Figures, she couldn't even sit correctly anymore. None of her efforts seemed successful today.
She sighed as she grabbed the edge of the leaf and pulled herself out of the sticky mud. It wasn't just today, she felt like she was learning at a snail's pace. Shima and the other toads were all full of unending optimism and sunny compliments, but Hinata was not fooled. She was falling behind.
Standing upright, her face twisted in slight disgust as she picked pond scum from her hair. Shima had moved them to a smaller, calmer, and more secluded body of water for Hinata's exercises, thinking that less on-lookers would help the newest Toad Summoner feel less anxious. Her presence in Mt. Myoboku was the talk of the realm, and it seemed like every amphibian wanted to come gawk and peek at her while she trained.
It felt like the Hyuga Compound all over again, everyone waiting around and watching to see if she was good enough. If she was gonna make it. And while the expressions on their faces lacked the harsh judgment of the Main House Elders and her father, Hinata felt the pressure to meet expectations more than ever before. She wanted desperately to reward this opportunity she'd been given by proving her worth and flourishing, and initially it had seemed like her natural affinity to water would be a huge blessing. But after the first day or two, the struggles had started.
"That was better!" Shima congratulated loudly, hopping over the wide lily pads to join Hinata on the shore. "I have no doubt that if you continue to dedicate yourself like this you will master these jutsu eventually."
Hinata tried to focus on the broad grin the older toad flashed her, but in her heart the feeling of failure smothered the warm encouragement like a wet blanket. What if she wasn't cut out for this? Because she had been in dire straits, the toads had only offered her this contract out of pity, and probably loyalty to Naruto-kun. She felt like an imposter, constantly trying to seem good enough, and constantly falling short. How would she ever return to Konoha and face down her father if she couldn't get stronger?
Shima tilted her head and peered at Hinata when she didn't respond to the praise. "These are not some academy level jutsu, Hina-chan. These techniques are unique to my kind, adapting them to your human chakra network and physical limitations is a huge task. You are doing fine, my dear. These things just take time."
Hinata hunched her shoulders, slightly ashamed at being so readable. "Thank you Shima-sama," she said in a small voice. "I did not mean to seem ungrateful for your teaching. I just really want to succeed. A lot of people have suffered and sacrificed for me to end up in this position."
Carefully wading out upon the water surface again, Hinata was too focused on her movements and chakra flow to notice that Shima was observing her in a new way. Instead of looking for little corrections in her form or listening to the whoosh of the water to ensure the flow was just right for her chakra to engulf it, Shima studied Hinata's eyes.
They were odd eyes. And though she may be old as dirt Shima had not been in contact with many Hyuga over the years. The Byakugan was manifested in Hamura-sama but he had moved on centuries ago, and the clan of his earthly descendants was seclusive to say the least. Many called the white eyes cold, soulless, and unreadable. But Hinata was none of those things. She felt things so deeply it hurt Shima to watch her sometimes. Naruto had mentioned the lifetime of near abuse the girl's former clan had inflicted upon her. Beating her down to a mere shell of almost nonexistent self confidence. Even though she had found the bravery to turn her back on them, the scars of their punishment were still there. Shima wanted to train Hinata so that if the day came that she faced her former clan, she could not just fight back physically, but never let them mentally hurt her again.
As Hinata ran through the motions of the complicated water jutsu for the hundredth time that day, Shima frowned. The young woman's normally lithe form was stiff, jerking sharply as she pushed more effort into each arc and jab. The grimace of concentration on her face was harsher than before, and the usual glow of exertion she possessed had now dulled from her skin in the scummy water. After a few moments of sternly pushing herself through the steps instead of trusting her body to feel the flow of the water, the jutsu faltered. Hinata's chakra desynchronized with the swirling of the liquid around her and the multitude of droplets she had been conducting in orbit spun out in a spray that soaked them both, leaving her sitting in mud once more. The sharp sigh Hinata hissed through her clenched teeth had her mentor frowning.
Shima was unbothered by the water, but was immensely unnerved by the way Hinata seemed to wither even further at the unsuccessful jutsu execution. This appeared to be more than just a student frustrated with a lesson. The poor girl seemed to be drowning in self doubt before her eyes.
"I think that's good for today," Shima smiled as she pulled a handkerchief from her sleeve and wiped her warty face clean. "Your skin is wrinkled and you need a shower. I'll find a nicer pond to practice on tomorrow." She extended the cloth out to Hinata. "You've worked so hard, why don't you reward yourself with a soak in the hot springs by the volcanic hillside? The flowers along the trail are in full bloom at midday."
Hinata made no move to accept the handkerchief or acknowledge the early dismissal from the day's lesson. Shima crossed her arms, silently pondering the woman who's head hung so low the tips of her hair dipped into the tiny waves at the pond edge. "I'll stay," Hinata mumbled, "I need to keep trying until I get it perfect. I never give up, it is my nindo." Her tone was somewhat flat, lacking the normal emphasis that usually enriched those special words.
Shima opened her mouth to argue but Hinata had already stood and stalked out onto the water again. This time she determinedly whipped through the jutsu step after step, teeth gritted, chakra flaring, frustration snapping through every harsh motion. Shima's eyes widened at the aggressive display. The water began surging and looping around Hinata in large waves crested with white foam. All the finesse of the jutsu was being crushed by the girl's heavy emotions.
With a loud grunt Hinata forced out the last few steps despite the churning water surface, her fierce control of her chakra being the only thing holding the strained jutsu together. But just barely. Choppy waves sloshed up the banks and drowned the smaller plants along the waterline, rocks were pounded deeper into the mud. The dance of droplets had devolved into a minor hurricane of increasingly missile-like ammunition. Shima had never seen her do this before. Something caged within Hinata was bursting out with every pulse of her chaotic chakra.
"Kaiten: Mizu-dan!" Hinata screamed, throwing her hands out and aiming all of her internal and external turmoil at a leaf across the pond. But instead of the series of controlled, assassination style bullets of water the jutsu was supposed to produce, a shower of uncontrolled jets of water sprayed the vegetation. The destructive element of the jutsu was definitely on point, but the precision was completely lost.
"Well, that was…powerful," Shima said shakily. "There is some strong potential in that execution, though it's not quite what we were aiming for. But it has improved!"
"Not enough," Hinata bit out from behind Shima where she had landed this time. Standing up and wringing her hands sharply to cast off strings of wet moss she practically marched onto the water. "I need to be perfect."
"You certainly do not." Shima retorted instantly.
Hinata shook her head at her mentor, not looking down at the short toad as she brushed past her to assume the starting position again.
"Hinata! Hinata look at me!"
The sharp tone had Hinata freezing. Shima stomped over until she was directly in the way of the girl's lowered gaze. Planting her hands on her hips she glared up at her student.
"Nobody and nothing is perfect. Even the jutsu you are trying to learn is not perfect. Perfection is not what we are striving to accomplish. Perfection is not the only form of success." Shima pointed a green, knobby finger at Hinata's pale face. "You succeed when you refuse to quit, not when you become flawless. Our flaws, our imperfections, are what define our character just as much as our strengths and our gifts. There is always room to improve, room to grow."
Hinata sniffled, blinking in the face of Shima's scolding finger and inescapable words. She knew in her head what the sage was trying to tell her, but the message just didn't resonate in her heart. Feeling more like a pretender than ever, Hinata obediently nodded in acquiescence to her mentor, the way she had always been taught to submit to authority.
Shima huffed, slightly assuaged by Hinata's loosened body language but not by the continued vacant look in her normally expressive eyes. "We are done for today, do not argue with me about it. My bones are not as young as yours and my feet are starting to ache. Why don't you join me at the hot springs, eh? It would be relaxing for us both."
"Thank you but I'd rather go home," Hinata bowed politely, trying to hide the tears that threatened to spill by tipping her hair over her face. Swiftly grabbing her water canteen she swept out of the small, mossy oasis and leapt away.
Shima groaned, not from achy joints or swollen feet. Realizing what Hinata was dealing with and knowing how to fix it were two very different things. She needed a nice cup of tea and a long think in her favorite rocker. Hopping up onto the canopy of a broad leaf she watched the silhouette of her student shrink in the distance toward the little hut she shared with Naruto-boy. Maybe he would know what to say?
Hinata inhaled deeply as she entered the hut, the slight creak of the opening door already was starting to have the familiar sound of home to it. The smell of dormant ashes in the irori added to the coziness of the dimly lit room, and as she waited for her eyes to adjust to the indoor space Hinata slumped against the wall and toed off her shoes. The door thudded gently as it swung shut and neatly latched, and she wondered how Naruto-kun had managed to craft all this so perfectly on his first try. Who in the world just wakes up one day and decides to go and build an entire home with their bare hands? And then actually succeeds!? She wished she possessed that kind of self assurance. With a shake of her head, Hinata peeled out of her purple jacket and reached to hang it on a peg when something caught the corner of her eye, and she did a double take.
Their home was thrashed. The table was overturned, papers were strewn everywhere, ashes from the irori were scattered on the floor, rice was on the wall, the precious box and journals were on opposite sides of the room…
Hinata dropped her jacket, missing the peg as she gaped at the disaster. Who did this? Stepping up out of the genkan she noticed the unmistakable imprint of Naruto-sized feet in the fine layer of ash on the floor. Had he lost his mind? Was the kyūbi rampaging? Where was he?
A lump grew in her throat as she darted to the closest item, a journal lying face down on the floorboard with its pages crumpled beneath its thick leather cover. Delicately, she picked it up and blew away the gray dust, smoothing the creases as best she could with her hands. As she turned each damaged page, trying to straighten them out one by one, Hinata's eyes skimmed over the words written inside.
The handwriting was slanted, rushed. Scrawled across the paper like the writer's hand could hardly keep up with their thoughts. The strokes were firm, like there was no hesitation in their mind as they wrote. Hinata's hand slowed as a particular sentence caught her eye.
"Minato-kun says we have to keep the baby a secret, just like our marriage. I hate all the secrets. I have too many, one that is literally eating me up inside. Can The Kyūbi hurt my baby? Minato-kun says no, that the chakra leaking through my seal is too small to have a large effect. But all the same I worry. I worry all the time. I don't know what I'd do without my little circle of friends…"
Hinata's heart nearly stopped. Her knees gave out and she sank to the floor, cradling the book reverently in her hands. This was not one of Jiraiya's journals, but Naruto's mother's. Had he seen this? Hinata swallowed hard as she flipped to the front to find a name.
Kushina. She whispered the name softly to herself, thinking it was beautiful. Turning back through the pages Hinata felt a small tug of guilt as she caved in to her curiosity, unable to stop leafing through the journal. These thoughts were none of her business. She had no place reading something that did not belong to her. She really should put it away and clean up the rest of the…
"I feel so out of place here. I try to fit in, I try to impress them, but all they see is my red hair and my temper. I'm not good enough. I told them I would be Hokage, but really I just want to be accepted somewhere, by someone. I told Mito-sama about it, but she just told me it would get easier when I get older."
Hinata traced the sentences penned by a much younger Kushina with her fingertip. It was like reading her own thoughts. As if someone opened her mind, pulled out her jumbled emotions and spread them neatly down on paper. Hands trembling, she turned the page, guilt forgotten as her heart reached out beyond the grave to find solace in a kindred spirit.
"I don't know if I can do this. Being a jinchuriki sounds so scary. What if I mess up? Will people die because of me? I'm not the best at fuinjutsu, other Uzumaki were so much better. I'll never know as much as Mito-sama. She promises me it'll be ok. I'll be fine. It will work. But how does she know?? How can she possibly believe I can do this when I don't believe myself? The only reason they chose me is because I'm the only Uzumaki they could find. Being in the wrong place at the wrong time is the only thing I'm good at."
Tears gathered in Hinata's eyes. Yes, she understood. It wasn't that they didn't try hard enough, or they didn't want it enough. It was the honest fear that even if they did, it wouldn't be enough. That they were just never going to get it right.
She sniffled again, rubbing her nose on the back of her hand disgracefully, but not caring in the least as she lost herself in the pages of the journal. Sometimes misery loves company. With each cathartic passage it felt like Hinata was slowly letting go of her own anxiety, letting it bleed out along with Kushina's own emotions. Hinata hadn't been able to find the words to fully express her dread of failing to Shima or Naruto-kun yet, for fear that it would make her look weak or ungrateful. She hated being seen that way. That was the way the Hyuga had looked at her. She desperately wanted to change that. And it seemed Kushina had felt the same way.
The journal confessed to many different events when the young girl had tried to throw off her stereotype, only to further ostracize herself with each attempt. It reminded Hinata of how it felt when she finally got brave enough to stand up to Neji-niisan at the chūnin exams, only to fail at the last minute and prove he was still the better Hyuga. Kushina talked about her fears of being a jinchuriki, the responsibility it entailed, and how she worried whether she was strong enough to control the powerful beast. The pressure Hinata had felt as future clan head had made her experience the same anxiety. To be a jinchuriki was somewhat similar to being the Hyuga Clan head, you were simultaneously important but hated by your people. Respected, but mostly feared. Watched all the time, but truly alone.
On and on she read, celebrating each small triumph along with every stumble in the road as Kushina described her training. She had just reached the point where "Minato-kun" was starting to be a major character in the little autobiography when the door to the cabin swung open.
Hinata jerked, nearly dropping the journal back onto the ashes as she snapped her head up to face Naruto-kun. He was blinking back at her from the doorway, his own eyes adjusting to the dimness of the room. The second he noticed the tear tracks down her face and the open journal in her lap he scowled.
"I know what you're thinking," he grumbled, kicking his shoes off with enough force they slammed into the wall of the genkan. "I don't want any pity."
"I-I-I wasn't…that's not…" Hinata's words tripped over each other as her embarrassment and frustration tangled. She harshly wiped the salty wetness from her face and sniffled loudly. Naruto leaned over and snatched the journal from her, pausing to read the name of its owner and flinching when he saw his mother's name.
"N-Naruto-kun, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have read it without your permission. But she was such an amazing person and as soon as I started—"
"I don't want to hear it," he snapped, closing the journal with a clap and stomping to the desk. "I bet she was amazing. I know my parents must have been crazy strong. Stupid smart. Perfect politicians. The complete Hokage package. I get it okay? I can't even read half the shit in my dad's journal because it's so freaking advanced." He dropped the leather journal onto the wooden desktop with a loud thunk and Hinata let out a small gasp. He whirled around, mistaking her dismay over the treatment of the book as shock at his coarse words.
"I know you think I should be happy to have this. You probably think I'm a bastard for not crying with joy or whatever. But I can't feel that way yet. All of this is just…painful." He glared down at the journal as if he would rather throw it out the window than open it.
Hinata bounced up to her feet and exclaimed, "I don't think that at all!" Her hands fisted at her sides and she could feel her cheeks beginning to burn as she contemplated the risk of explaining herself. If there was anyone who she could be completely honest with, it was Naruto-kun. But she was terrified of him seeing her as weak. Terrified that if she confessed her doubts he would dismiss her as silly. Terrified of falling off the pedestal of perfection she seemed to occupy in his mind.
Her lip trembled as she licked it, praying that this wasn't going to be her biggest mistake yet. "I don't think it's stupid to be angry if that is how you feel. I grew up being told everyday what to think and what to feel, and I would never do that to you. All I care about is what you tell me. I want to hear your thoughts. And I want to tell you mine."
Naruto sighed loudly, the end deepening into a weary growl of frustration. Turning his back on the journal and leaning against the desk he mumbled as he crossed his arms. "I grew up just wishing someone cared enough to actually give a fuck about what I was thinking." He rubbed his face with his hands, snickering tiredly at the ironically polar opposite childhoods they had each endured.
Letting his arms fall loosely he sat on the desk and shot her a sheepish half smile. "I'm sorry I snapped at you. I had a bad morning and I've been taking it out on everyone. Poor Fukasaku nearly got skinned by my Rasengan at least three times."
Hinata relaxed, her hands unclenching as she nodded in relief. "I understand. I haven't been able to get out of my head all day either." She bent over and picked up a few pieces of paper, absently stacking them as she stalled for time to gather her thoughts before spilling her guts. Naruto silently tilted his head as he watched her, his eyes sharpening as he became more aware of the tension in her body as she moved around the small hut.
"Talk to me Hinata," he said suddenly, his tone firm but not sharp. "I can tell you have words stuck in your mouth when you chew your lips like that. Let them out."
She paused, straightening up and toying with the edges of the pages she had gathered. Glancing up at his face her gut clenched at the keen expression he wore, a mixture of worry and eagerness. It still made her heart stutter to be the focus of his unusually intense scrutiny. The words she had indeed been trying to collect seemed to stick to her tongue like glue. But this was Naruto-kun, her soulmate, and they were alone in their safe little home. There would be no punishment for being honest. Even Kushina had said she would have gone crazy if not for having Minato and a few close friends she could confide in. If it worked for her…
Taking a deep breath, Hinata squeezed her eyes shut and unleashed her emotions.
"Sometimes I feel like an imposter. I want to be a Toad Sage someday, but what if I can't? I want to go back to Konoha and face my father someday, but what if I'm not strong enough? Then when you become Hokage, will I not be able to go back to Konoha with you? What if my bad reputation ruins your chances of becoming Hokage? I want to live up to all these expectations, I just…I'm so scared of failing…of disappointing you…"
Naruto was staring at her with an expression that for once Hinata couldn't read. He didn't burst out and deny her feelings like the way Shima had. But he didn't agree with her self doubt either. He just looked at her, arms crossed and contemplating everything. The seconds felt like hours as her adrenaline spiked heartbeat thudded in her chest and dread crept into her mind. She was just about to cry out 'nevermind' and run out the door when his low voice calmly split the heavy silence.
"I don't think I want to be Hokage."
Her hands went slack, the papers fluttering to the floor as Hinata's mouth dropped open. Of all the things she was expecting him to say, an equally shocking confession was not one of them. Naruto pushed off the desk, whiskermarks contorting as he chewed the inside of his cheek for a second before trying to explain.
"Even before I saw the stuff in my dad's journal, with everything I've been learning about the ninja world and Konoha through The Network, the more I can't help but realize how much I would have to change myself to fit in with all that. And…well, I just don't know if I want it anymore. As a kid I said I wanted to be Hokage not really understanding what it meant. And now that we are here, and I have all this, with you…" He scratched his hair harshly with both hands, raking his fingers through it until the spikes were standing wildly.
"I don't want what happened to my parents, what happened to me, to ever happen again. They gave everything to Konoha, including myself. And Konoha took that gift and manipulated it, only telling the story they wanted the world to hear. To them, I am just a weapon. I want more control of my destiny. I want to fight the fights I deem important. I want to protect my precious people with my own two hands. Not sit at a desk and bicker with other assholes over stupid laws that don't change. Not trust someone else to take care of them if I die."
He looked at her face, her eyes as big as twin moons as she struggled to digest everything. He pressed his lips together, bracing for her reaction when he dropped his bomb.
"I…I think I'd rather run the Spy Network. I want to be free in the shadows instead of caged in the spotlight."
Stepping carefully over the other papers, leaving more big footprints in the ashes on the floor, Naruto approached her and gently closed her gaping mouth with his finger. "That being said, I absolutely believe with all my heart you are good enough to do all those things you mentioned, but if you don't want to you won't be disappointing me. I don't care what you do from here on out Hinata. If you want to stay home and grow your garden and never use your Byakugan again, that's fine with me. If you want to become Hokage instead, I'll support you all the way."
Hinata blinked in shock, a small huff of a laugh escaping at the idea of ever wanting to touch the title of Hokage with a ten foot pole. Naruto grinned, framing her face in his hands and running his thumbs over the soft skin of her cheeks. "For what it's worth, I think you are an amazing and talented person in so many ways, Hinata. Not only as a Toad Summoner or a Shinobi. You're my most precious person, my soulmate, and just being with you is the only dream I need."
A burden lifted from her shoulders so suddenly that Hinata inhaled sharply, like someone just coming up for air after endlessly struggling not to sink. Naruto was the one she needed to hear it from. He was the one she was terrified of hurting, terrified of letting down. The one she wanted to impress more than anyone. More than herself. It was probably unhealthy how much his opinion mattered to her, but his perfect answer only assured her that she could trust him with her soul. He would not destroy it. And he would fight her if she tried to destroy it herself.
And she wanted to be that same rock for him as well. The safe place he could come to when he needed to recenter. The one he could trust more than anyone else. She wanted to protect him from himself, from his demon, from the evil that was hunting the jinchuriki. Hinata wouldn't hesitate to follow him into the shadows, darkness was nothing for the Byakugan. By his side was where she had always wanted to be. Training to stand with him was a goal she never doubted. In supporting her soulmate, she was being true to her heart. Something in her clicked, and the last nasty dregs of her anxiety were finally washed away.
"I think you would be a wonderful Spy Master, Naruto-kun," she whispered, offering up a wobbly smile as she pressed her hands on top of his. "While you fight in the shadows I will always have your back. I will never leave you."
"Hinata..." he choked out, eyes watering as he wrapped her tightly up in his arms. She gladly smothered her face into his chest, tucking her head until it felt like she was surrounded by nothing but Naruto-kun. His heartbeat filled her ears and his warmth heated her inside and out. It was as if she could physically feel their bond reshaping and purifying. She was well and truly crying now, from relief as much as from the power of the moment. It didn't matter that he smelled like sweat and dirt. It didn't matter that pond scum was still stuck to her hair.
They were a mess. They were not perfect. They did not care.
They clung to one another in tired silence, recharging together. Centering themselves and their thoughts as the afternoon sunlight slanted through the open window and a few pages stirred on the floor in the breeze. They were not giving up on the world. They were not walking away and hiding from life's hard realities to take the easy way out. Their methods might have changed, but the true goal was still the same. Protect their precious people, the best way they could.
A loud knocking on the door jerked them apart, and Naruto scowled at the wooden barrier like he could scare away the intruder on the other side. Hinata bit back a smile at his pout as she pulled out his arms and went to greet their guest before the door was beaten in. The pounding intensified to the point that when she pulled it open, Gamakichi almost punched her in the face. Luckily, her Byakugan had seen it coming.
"AH! Sorry Hinata! That was close. Naruto woulda killed me if I hit—"
"Spit it out Kichi!" Naruto growled, joining Hinata in the doorway as she tried to smother a giggle. "We were doing something important so hurry up and say what you need."
The toad made a disgusted face but then rolled his eyes. "Gross. I do not want details. But it doesn't matter. Pa Toad sent me to get you both. The Great Toad Sage is awake and he wants to see you. Now."
A/N: So, it's been embarrassingly long since I updated...thank you to everyone who is still reading!
One of the reasons this chap took me a while is because it was really personal to me. I poured a lot of my own feelings involving my grieving over my lost loved one as well as my struggles at work into Naruto and Hinata.
I also was hesitating hard about deviating so far from canon by having Naruto announce his new goal. But I really think it's where this story was headed, and I've always loved the idea of them being anti-heroes without being 'bad guys'. So...here it goes!
As for the next chapter, the sleepy sage is finally awake and ready to offer answers about sealing the soulmate deal for good! I'm excited about this one!
Thank you so much for reading!!!