Hey readers,
The only good thing about being sick and not being able to work? Having time to write lol. Finally the next chapter is here. No idea when the next one will be posted though. Last time I submitted a chapter the site notifications weren't working so I'm not sure how many of you actually got to read it. Hopefully that issue is fixed now. I've been finally replying to your reviews on the last few chapters. I really appreciate you guys so much, you have no idea.
Just a quick warning for this chapter. It contains a fairly lengthy discussion involving details or descriptions of sexual abuse/assault that could be potentially triggering or upsetting. Read with care.
Thank you so much for coming back to read. I do still plan on finishing the story! Hope you're all taking care of yourselves!
~Jaydee
General Content Warning: Chapters in this story may contain upsetting or triggering content including but possibly not limited to violence, consensual and non-consensual sexual references and descriptions, drug and alcohol use and abuse, references to or descriptions of mental illness, self-harm or self-injurious behaviour, and references to or discussions of suicide.
~Thirty-Eight~
It didn't take long for Rand to have one of the other rooms upstairs ready for Cloud. When he'd been led into it, Cloud had looked at the door and made note of the new locking mechanism. It was a sliding bolt lock, heavier duty than some that he'd seen in past. Still, he was surprised the man hadn't chosen something that required a key. It seemed almost too simple, or subdued somehow.
The window on the other hand, he would find out minutes later, was outfitted with a lock that required a key. But again, the fact there wasn't plywood screwed into the wall over top of it seemed surprising. There was nothing stopping him from breaking the glass and ripping the screen to get out. When he looked outside, he could see there was no landing or anything directly under it but down below was the roof of the screened-in porch he'd walked through to get out to the deck in the back earlier. It wasn't a short drop but if he felt it was necessary to jump, he'd do it.
The balcony that he had seen from the front of the house that looked to wrap all the way around must have only been on three sides. He didn't know how a person was supposed to get onto that balcony, but there was another room he hadn't seen. He thought perhaps that one had a door that led outside.
Rand left him in the room alone for a couple of hours while he was downstairs occupied with something. Cloud thought he heard the front door being opened at one point and what sounded like a large engine running. He didn't know what it could be until he heard the sound of the furnace starting up in the house. It took a minute but soon there was warm air pushing through a vent in the one wall of the room. That meant someone had been delivering the fuel.
He wondered briefly if he'd missed an opportunity to make enough noise to draw attention but he didn't think it likely he'd have been heard over the sound of the vehicle's engine. He also had to remind himself he wasn't trying to be noticed. Not yet anyway.
When Rand returned to the room, he brought what he said were his belongings with him. If they were his, they weren't in the bag he'd been travelling with. He'd noticed as much when they were unpacking the car, though he'd remembered Rand saying he'd packed up his things for him. The man told Cloud that he'd made something for dinner and asked if he wanted to "give eating a try again." At that point though, Cloud felt sicker than he had earlier. He was exhausted and he didn't think he could take any more of the man's voice that night, even if that meant forfeiting a chance to get some information about his son.
Despite refusing food, Rand brought it to the room for him, along with his medication. He said he would leave him alone for the night and told him to get some sleep and to knock on the wall between their rooms if he needed to use the bathroom. Before the man left him alone, Cloud asked him if he was going to inject him again with more of whatever drug he'd administered to him twice now. He told Rand that he didn't think he could handle another dose of it and he wasn't kidding. Of all the drugs he'd been given in the past, it had to be one of the worst when it came to the side-effects he felt after waking.
As much as he would hate it, he was prepared to beg and plead if that's what it took. Rand didn't make him do either. Instead, Rand assured him that he would not inject him and that he would not see a need to in the future so long as he was calm and cooperative. Cloud was relieved a little by the man's assurance, however he did wonder if his own definition of calm and cooperative fit with Rand's.
When he was left alone again, he searched the bag that had been left with him. He did find his own clothing inside and he was grateful to be able to change out of what he'd been wearing since leaving Junon. He'd sweat through the clothes multiple times by that point and although he would have rather showered before changing, it was nice to have on the clean garments.
As exhausted as he was, he had a hard time falling asleep that night. He could hear Rand talking on the phone for quite a while in the other room, but couldn't make out the words he was saying, even if he pressed his ear to the wall. He wondered what the man had done with his own phone. Back in Rand's apartment in Junon, the man had commented while texting to Marco as him that they would deal with anyone else trying to contact him later.
He thought about what that could mean. The obvious seemed to be that Rand had planned on texting back anyone else trying to talk to him and saying something about not wanting to talk but that he was fine. It made him hopeful that someone was likely to question if he was really the one texting back. Even seeing how he typically spoke in messages to his friends, he was confident there was no way Rand would be able to fully impersonate him. Of all his friends, the two most likely to be suspicious would be Zack and Tifa. Zack, though, was in Costa del Sol, and hadn't responded when he'd tried to contact him and the last time he'd spoken with Tifa she'd been pretty angry with him so he wasn't sure if she would even be trying to contact him at all at that point. More likely Marlene would try.
Marlene. He grew instantly more anxious over the thought Rand might reply to one of her text messages to him from Tifa's phone. Even if the content of what he said was innocuous, Rand having any form of contact with Marlene made him feel panicked, angry, and protective, so much so he felt like he might have to question Rand about it in the morning. If the man wanted to mess with him and his head, it was one thing, but he couldn't take the thought of him messing with anyone he cared about. Those types of thoughts, not the worries for what would happen to him, were what kept him from sleeping more than a few hours, despite how tired he was.
Rand hadn't given him any of his sleeping medication for that night. Just his regular medication and one of his panic meds to use if he needed it, which he did take upon waking around 3:30 in the morning and remembering where he was. He assumed Rand was still asleep. It was quiet in the room over so he decided to take another look around the room quietly, not wanting to wake the man. Other than the double bed, there were two nightstands, one on either side of the bed and one dresser and one wardrobe in the room. There was also a wooden dining room type chair in the one corner and a very small closet without a door. Just a curtain covering over the shallow alcove.
He'd looked around a bit the night before but only quickly just to check for any objects that could be used as weapons. He hadn't seen any. Every drawer was empty in the dresser. There were no hangers in the wardrobe or the closet nook. He confirmed all that again in the morning. He tried to be a bit more thorough though, running his hand along the undersides of the drawers, checking under the mattress, and using the chair to stand on to make sure nothing was hiding from view on the shelf in the closet near the wall. He also checked around for any type of hidden camera he was sure Rand must have installed somewhere. He didn't think it was possible the man would actually let him have any privacy, but he found nothing.
At about five in the morning, he heard some sounds from the other room and eventual footsteps that made their way out into the hall and to the door to his room. He heard the bolt being slid open on the latch and the door creaked as it was opened. Rand looked in like he expected him to be sleeping still. Upon seeing him awake he asked if he needed to use the bathroom and he just nodded.
"Do you want to shower?" the man questioned as he was getting up from the bed he'd been seated on. The question made him pause next to the bed.
"Alone?" he asked back to that.
"Yes," Rand said as he entered the room to retrieve the untouched food he'd left the night before. "I put a towel in the bathroom if you want to shower," he explained.
With another short nod, Cloud retrieved something to change into after, opting for jeans, a long sleeve tee and a sweater though he supposed he had no reason to wear anything other than sweats. Still, he told himself he should be prepared at any moment for a possible getaway, even if he wasn't planning on trying to run.
Rand walked him to the bathroom but didn't make any attempts to try and keep the door open as he was shutting it. Before Cloud had closed the door though the man commented that the water could take awhile to heat up. He turned the shower on immediately after locking the door and held his hand under the spray, waiting to feel it shift from its icy cold temp. It reminded him of Nibelheim. It had always taken what seemed like forever for the water to heat up. Finally, though he was able to strip down and get under the spray.
He rushed to clean himself, feeling sufficiently anxious at the thought of Rand standing out in the hall waiting. When he'd finished in the bathroom and opened the door, however, he wasn't immediately confronted with the man waiting for him. The hall was unoccupied. Slowly he started heading back to the bedroom, not knowing what else to do. His name being called to him from below startled him despite the distance it was called from.
"Come down here, please."
Cloud rolled his eyes at the order from where he stood in the doorway to the bedroom. He took his clothes he had in his hands and threw them at the unmade bed before turning himself around and starting his way down the stairs to the kitchen and dining area where Rand was. The man looked back at him from where he stood in front of the stove stirring something in a pot and told him to have a seat at the dining table.
"I need my meds," he said back as he stood in place.
As stupid as it seemed, even to him, he really didn't want his situation he was in to affect his drug regimen. It had already been disrupted, and while he had been careless at times with his dosages, he'd tried to be consistent about when he took the medications, so he could stay as stable as possible.
Rand nodded and glanced back at him again. "Have a seat," he repeated.
There were two placemats on either end of the small dining table. He took a seat at the end closest to the stairs. As he sat down, something immediately drew his attention. There was something attached to the table top. It was a metal loop. The edge of the placemat in front of him was resting against it. He reached forward and lifted the edge of the placemat to see the hook was fused to a metal plate that was screwed right into the wood of the table. He confirmed by gripping the hook lightly and trying to wiggle it. Perhaps it had already been there but he didn't think so. His gut told him Rand had put it there for him. Something to attach a cuff to.
He looked up as he heard what sounded like a key being turned into a lock. Rand was unlocking an upper cabinet in the kitchen. He couldn't remember seeing a lock on the cabinet the day before, but he also hadn't been looking. His assumption though was that Rand had put the lock on it the day before. Cloud lowered his head then and stared at the orange plastic looking placemat on the table in front of him while waiting. A moment later, a glass of water was set on the placemat with his medication—some of his medication.
"What is this?" he asked without looking up.
"You know what it is," Rand said back to him.
"This is half of what I take in the morning," Cloud informed him.
"It's half of what you've been prescribed to take in the morning," Rand replied and Cloud shook his head with confusion.
"That's what I just said," he stated, finally looking up at Rand then.
"It's best you start coming off them," Rand spoke over his shoulder as he was starting to prepare coffee, filling the pot from the machine with water.
Still confused and not sure he heard right, he asked, "Off…my medication?" Rand nodded and quickly Cloud felt himself getting heated at the suggestion. "That's not—" he began to protest and the man interrupted him.
"You think you need what you've been taking but you don't," he spoke casually.
"How the hell would you know?" Cloud fired back at him fast.
"I'm a doctor, remember?" Rand replied to that and glanced back at Cloud with a smirk that faded quickly when he acknowledged the seriousness of Cloud's expression. "You will be fine, trust me," he said.
"Fine?" Cloud snapped. "It will not be fine. After all the drugs Hojo forced into my body for years, do you think I'd be on any of what I'm prescribed if it weren't for a reason?" The man was facing away from him but he could see his head shaking a little and it made him more upset, angry, but also panicked. "You have no idea how long it took for a real doctor to work out the regimen I'm on that allows me to actually still function. How many different meds I had to go through and all of the goddamn side effects to get to this point! And how long it took to get adjusted to it."
Clicking the coffee machine on to brew, Rand finally faced him then.
"It was a long and difficult process, I'm sure," was his simple and unsatisfying response.
Hardening his expression further, Cloud leaned forward a little. "You are not screwing with my medication, Rand, I don't give a shit what you—" he began to threaten but the man interrupted again through a heavy sigh.
"The reality is, I can't be confident I can secure more of your medications," he explained before turning his attention back to the stove.
Cloud stared at his back a moment, shocked by the man's excuse that he delivered to him like it meant nothing. His mind was racing then. He didn't know what he should say or do next. He felt like he was going to flip out and start throwing furniture. He thought for a moment about what it would be like being off of what he felt his mind and body depended on at that point and it terrified him. He wanted to yell at the man that it was his problem how he would get more of his medication, since he'd made the choice to hold him captive, but he restrained himself. He struggled then to be calm and sensible but it was almost impossible to accomplish.
"Yes, you can," he said. "I mean, I can, we can just go to a pharmacy, and I talk to them and tell them I need my prescriptions transferred. It's not hard," he pointed out. Rand turned to face him again, stepping to the side of the stove where he leaned back against the counter and smirked again like he found the suggestion absurd.
"What?" Cloud asked with irritation.
"Go to a pharmacy, huh?" Rand replied as he crossed his arms over his chest.
"Yeah, is there not one somewhere wherever the hell we are?" Cloud questioned sharply.
"We just walk together into a pharmacy and you have them call over to Midgar to have your prescriptions transferred?" he asked, his tone sounding almost mocking then. Cloud just stared back at him, wondering what he found to be so strange about the assertion. He did then realize why he was getting the reaction he was getting. The man didn't trust him.
"Yeah," he said then. "Yeah, that's what we do because I'm not going to say anything," he started to tell Rand and the man gave him a doubtful expression before dropping his arms and turning away from him to face the stove. "What? I'm not!" Cloud protested then. "You'd be standing right there! What the hell would I have to gain from trying to say something about what's going on here to some stranger?"
The man seemed unmoved, even from just looking at his back.
"I came here with you without a fight," he pointed out and the man scoffed a little.
"Barely," he retorted.
"You know you have something I care about that I'm not going to risk," Cloud reminded him. He waited for a response or an argument that didn't come. He didn't know if he should plea, scream, or threaten then. He landed on the first thought, which was to plea. "Rand, please," he said in a softer, needier tone that he hoped would illicit in the man that apparent impulse to try and do something for him that would invoke gratitude. The man had always seemed to desire that. Giving him something like it made him some sort of hero.
"Please do this for me," he begged, the request getting back the man's attention like he'd hoped. Rand faced him again and although he wanted to keep eye contact with him, he couldn't do it. He looked at the floor as he continued to plead. "I really need those medications. You don't know how much I…" he found himself tearing up a little then suddenly because what he was saying was true. "I can't handle it. I just…"
He shook his head. He couldn't finish his thought. He put his head in his hands then, as he rested his elbows on the table in front of him. He didn't hear the man as he approached the table.
"Cloud," Rand said his name and he forced himself to look up at him where he was standing at the opposite end of the table, holding the top of the backrest of the one chair in his hands. "I'm going to take care of you, I promise," he said, his tone a caring one that didn't give Cloud any amount of ease. Just the opposite. He could probably tell Cloud wasn't moved at all by his assertion. "I'll think about it, alright?" he added then and making eye contact with the man, Cloud just nodded a little, unable to do anything else about it.
When Rand was back at the stove, he stared down at what medication he did have in his reach that was still sitting on the placemat below him. He'd actually hated being on the medication. Hated that he'd ever needed to be on it to begin with. But the thought of losing that from his life, what felt like a tiny life raft in a huge and turbulent ocean with no land in sight, felt like a death sentence.
It was a tensely quiet ten or fifteen minutes while they sat at the table together having the breakfast of porridge and toast Rand prepared, more so Rand eating and Cloud trying his best to consume as much as he could, barely anything. Cloud broke the silence, wanting to check in on what he'd been anxiously worrying about through the night, what Rand had been doing with his phone. He began by asking somewhat tentatively if he still had his phone or if he'd abandoned it somewhere, with his bike perhaps. He would have to question the whereabouts of it as well.
"I have it," Rand confirmed.
The tiny bit of relief Cloud felt at hearing that started a whirlwind of thoughts in his mind. If the man had his phone there was a chance that someone could track them to where they were if someone did get the suspicion something was wrong. He knew Johnny could do it, or knew people who could do that.
"It's disabled," Rand added then and all his hopeful thoughts were quashed in an instant.
"What does that mean?" he asked though he already knew the answer.
"The card and battery are removed," Rand answered him before taking the last bites of his breakfast.
"When did you do that?" was Cloud's following inquiry, hoping it wasn't too obvious he was trying to get a sense of how close to their current location they were when Rand had done what he said.
"In Junon," Rand said back without any hesitation. Something about his expression suggested he did know what Cloud was trying to ask behind his words. That was confirmed when he added, "There's no trace of you leaving Junon, if that's what you're after."
He exhaled deeply to that and looked down briefly.
"Just ask what you want to ask," Rand told him and he looked back up at him with some annoyance he was sure was evident on him.
"And hope I get a straight answer?" he snapped back.
"Can't win if you don't roll the dice," Rand joked.
Unamused, Cloud asked, "How many of my friends did you send texts to, pretending you were me?"
"Only those who tried to contact you while we were still in my apartment," he said.
"Which was who?" Cloud pushed.
At that, Rand smirked again. "Other than Mister 'King of pickup lines'? No one," he stated. "Seems like you'd already pretty well alienated everyone who cared about you in the days before," he noted, making Cloud look away again with shame and guilt. "All but Marco," the man added.
Cloud hated hearing him say Marco's name, like he knew him. He sensed immediately where Rand was going to take the conversation then.
"What's the story?" the man asked.
"What story?" Cloud said back.
"The story of you and Marco?" Rand clarified.
"The story is that there isn't one," Cloud replied.
"How is that?" Rand pressed on and Cloud shook his head, still not looking at him, staring into the bowl in front of him, stirring the spoon through the porridge slowly.
"He's no one, that's how," he said.
"I saw a picture on your phone of the two of you," Rand revealed and Cloud did his best to try not to have a more obvious reaction from the invasion of privacy.
"So what?" he said back fast.
"Is that how you are with someone you consider 'no one'?" Rand asked him.
"Yep," was Cloud's short reply.
"How many 'no ones' have there been since you've been free?" was the man's following inquiry.
Unable to keep his cool then, Cloud dropped the spoon in his hand and crossed his arms tightly.
"None of your damn business, that's how many," Cloud fired at Rand as he looked at him challengingly.
"How many?" Rand repeated and Cloud shook his head at him slowly. He refused to answer the question. It really was none of his business. "How many?" the man asked again, his tone was calm and level. "How many?" he asked a third time as Cloud directed his eyes up at the ceiling and stayed silent. "I have all the time in the world to keep asking."
"A hundred," Cloud finally snapped back at him.
"A hundred?" Rand repeated in question though he sounded obviously doubtful. "In less than two years? You've been busy," he commented sarcastically.
"No, actually, it's closer to a thousand," Cloud retorted to that. "Maybe two thousand," he suggested, pretending to try to recall.
"In truth, is it more than ten?" Rand asked him seriously then but he didn't respond, verbally or otherwise. "More than twenty?"
"I don't know," Cloud said to him then, staring him down. "I don't keep count."
"That sounds reckless, Cloud," Rand told him sternly and he found himself letting out a dry laugh as he looked towards the living room. He felt his temperature rising. He didn't like where things were headed. "You need to have more respect for yourself," Rand advised, drawing Cloud's attention back fast.
"What the hell did you just say to me?" he shot back at him angrily.
"You're suggesting you don't care to keep any type of track of how many intimate partners you've had, I'd say that's pretty resonant of a reckless attitude and low sense of self-worth, don't you think?" Rand lectured him.
"They weren't intimate partners, I just fucked them," Cloud argued quickly and he could see with some satisfaction that it made Rand uncomfortable. "Sometimes without even getting a name, Rand," he added with a casual yet tense shrug.
Rand stared him down then, looking almost disappointed but also…sad perhaps? He shook his head and looked down.
"Why would you do that to yourself?" he remarked under his breath. Cloud barely heard it but he did hear it.
"What? Are you actually asking that? For real?" Cloud asked back, feeling not only angry but offended.
"Oh, I supposed it's my fault you've decided to give it up to all those nameless no ones," Rand responded somewhat sarcastically. "Our complex situation and our complicated relationship, however flawed that was, is no excuse," argued in a tone that suggested he was actually mad with him, as if he'd do something that had betrayed the man somehow. "I know how that ended up hurting you, but to blame that for your actions now?"
"Oh, right, that complicated relationship of ours," Cloud said to the table top as he nodded his head a little and struggled not to completely lose it on the man. "You think everything's about you, huh," he challenged.
He did consider then how much Rand really even knew about him, before coming into his life in Gongaga. Rand alluded in Gongaga to knowing enough about him and Zack to feel he knew them well, but whatever he'd known had to have come from written reports, and records from SOLDIER perhaps. Whatever Hojo had given him access to. But Cloud also felt he knew Hojo relatively well, and the type of man he was, wasn't the type to share more than what he felt was necessary. He was possessive of his personal notes. He believed the only reason Galen had been able to get copies of all the documentation from the mansion was because Hojo had truly trusted him. They'd known each other outside of Shinra. Hojo had chosen him as a protégé. Most importantly, the professor had needed him. There were things he simply wouldn't have been able to accomplish without Galen's mind.
Maybe Rand knew the basics of their so-called treatment plan that they'd been put through in the mansion, and he'd probably done his own psychoanalysis and profiling of him and Zack as well, but he couldn't imagine him knowing what went on outside of the experiments. He knew how he could find out, only he would have to actually look at him.
"Do you know that the first time someone touched me, you know, like that," he started to say in a kind of quiet but sharp tone, "it was in the Shinra mansion. It was a guard. I was fifteen and he had a knife to my throat while he had his other hand down my underwear," he said. Rand raised his eyes from where they'd been focused on the table momentarily to look back at him.
"I'd never had more than one kiss from a girl I liked back home before that," he divulged. "He asked me how hard I like it because he was going to give it to me hard. He told me he was going to give it to me so hard he'd rip me apart from the inside."
The expression on Rand's face wasn't easy to read but it didn't seem to be one of recognition or knowing. Really there was no way he could know what that guard had said to him that night.
"He didn't get to go that far because Zack stopped him," Cloud went on. "He was there. He was always trying to keep me safe. Always trying to stop the worst from happening. It didn't matter, though. The next person to put their hands on me like that was an enforcer that Hojo had hired. He had a past with doing twisted shit to people, to kids—teens, people my age. Zack did everything he could to protect me from that son of a bitch. He sacrificed himself in a way you will never understand."
Rand was nodding slowly in a way that said he was still listening and engaged in what he was saying so he went on, his tone level. He could hear how he sounded emotionless. He actually did feel that way, recounting those past traumas, as much as the memories of them could bring out so many emotions at any given moment.
"The pervert filmed what he did. He put his hands on both of us, on me when I was unconscious because of the experiments. I thought there was no way it could get worse than that. But it did. You know what my first time with sex was like?" he asked and Rand gave a subtle shake of his head. "It was fake," Cloud stated. "Did you ever hear of Hojo's use of simulations with us?" he inquired and Rand nodded a little.
"I was informed of the simulations. Not their content, just that they were used for neurostimulation," Rand told him.
"Sure, neurostimulation…" Cloud scoffed. "They were for punishment. They were torture, especially the shared simulations. Fake surroundings, real people. Hojo wanted to punish us. He put the two of us into a simulation together with guards from the mansion who hated us so they could beat and terrorize us, so they could do whatever they wanted to me while making Zack watch what they did," he explained, still with none of the emotion he could have. He looked down and away from Rand then as he continued. "Watch them take turns. One after another. I felt everything. The force. The pain. Their bodies. And then the simulation helmets came off and the only proof it happened was in our minds."
He looked up once more to observe the man's expression. It wasn't really readable. His brow was furrowed and eyes were downcast. All of what he was saying did seem to be news to him.
"One of those guards, though, he found me later in Midgar, when we'd escaped," he went on. "He drugged me, locked me up in his shitty apartment and made what I'd only had in my head before then a reality."
What he saw in Rand's face at that looked like nothing other than clear sympathy, and he actually hated it. He couldn't hide the annoyance in his voice then as he went on.
"Back in the mansion, Hojo had threatened to put Zack and I through those kinds of simulations again," he recounted. "He threatened to put me with those same guards out in the real world to let them do what they wanted if I didn't give him results he was looking for. I thought, there was no way he could have known at the time of the simulation what the guards would do. He included them thinking they'd just beat us up, give us a scare, remind us to stay in line…" he continued slowly. "Maybe he did know, and maybe he didn't. Maybe he never knew Sephiroth would go that far when he locked me up with him in Gongaga." He looked once more at Rand and the man was looking down, away from him at the floor. "Maybe he did know. He threatened to send me back there after he must have known…But, you, you knew for sure, Rand, didn't you?"
The man raised his eyes to meet his at that. There was a heavy moment of silence as Cloud let the accusation really sink in for Rand, and the gravity of that decision, which he hoped would mean a lot more now that he knew what he'd been through in the past. Rand started to shake his head slowly, as if in refusal of something and it only made Cloud mad.
"You knew what he'd do to me if you sent me down to that lair of his and you delivered me to him like a goddamn animal to slaughter," he pointed out sharply.
"No," Rand denied, shaking his head.
"You didn't?" Cloud challenged. "I asked you not to do that to me because we both knew what would happen and you didn't give a shit, Rand," he accused heatedly. "All because I wouldn't sell out my best friend. You're going to sit and lecture me about what I do with myself now like it makes me worthless after you loaned me out to some sadist just so you could prove a point?"
The man looked ready to protest and he actually slammed the side of his fist against the table top then with clear frustration.
"You weren't supposed to go in there, Cloud!" he conveyed louder than Cloud had been expecting. Rand looked around the room briefly before focusing straight on him again. "Of course, I had no intention of delivering you to that monster like an animal to the slaughter!" he spoke in a clearly offended tone. "What I wanted was for you to do what I asked and tell me what you were hiding! It wasn't hard!"
He stood up from the table abruptly, his chair scraping against the floor loudly before he went on shouting. "All you had to do was talk to me! How would I know that you would choose to subject yourself to something so heinous and degrading out of some principal—"
"Protecting Zack, you mean?" Cloud shot back to that, cutting the man off. "There is nothing I wouldn't do to protect my best friend!" he shouted back. "To protect the person who has always had my back! Who put himself in harm's way again and again while we were being held against our will to try to keep me from being hurt! You will never understand that kind of sacrifice! He's my fucking family!" he nearly screamed. "You could have sent me to live with Sephiroth permanently and I would have never sold Zack out. I would never let anyone hurt him if I could help it. If I had a choice. It wouldn't happen. I'd give up my goddamn soul."
He really meant it. Not like he didn't already feel that way. But in that moment, the reminder of how he felt about Zack instantly erased any feelings of frustration or anger he had towards him that had been building in the past year. Any hurt or feelings of being misunderstood or like Zack had been trying to control his life in any way. It was all gone. Dust.
"Cloud," Rand said his name softly after a moment. "I didn't want to hurt you, not like the others had hurt you, I—"
"Really?" Cloud challenged. "Because you blackmailed me into letting you screw me for your silence when you found out I was trying to send a message to Zack in that bullshit propaganda video Shinra had filmed of me in Gongaga," he reminded the man.
"I didn't do anything to you," Rand retorted quickly as he began pacing a little next to the table.
"You didn't do anything?" Cloud replied sharply.
"I didn't touch you."
"You humiliated me," Cloud stated strongly. "You called me pathetic. You mocked me for protecting someone I care about. You made me think you were going to—"
With closed eyes and rubbing his forehead nervously, the man conceded. "Okay," he said, before dropping back down into the chair he'd been seated in before.
There was a short but heavy silence before Cloud spoke up again angrily, feeling rightfully slighted.
"You actually liked knowing what Sephiroth got out of me, didn't you?" he asked and Rand looked back at him with his own hardened and surprised expression.
"You got off on knowing you were the reason. That you had me powerless through another person," Cloud went on. He didn't even really know where the accusation was coming from. It didn't feel like it was from him but he was speaking the words.
"That's—" Rand started and he cut him off.
"You and Hojo, you both love that feeling. Someone under your control at their most vulnerable, having their damn dignity shredded like paper."
"That's absurd," Rand declared firmly through a laugh that sent Cloud over the edge.
"What you did to me was not absurd, Rand!" he yelled at the man across the table from him. "It was rape!"
"I just told you, I didn't think you'd walk into Sephiroth's chamber and that's the truth!"
"Not that," Cloud replied, his tone a bit softer once more. "Later. In Midgar." Rand looked back at him sternly, his arms crossed defensively as he shook his head. "Why are you shaking your head?"
"I know that with having the implant removed you've faced a lot of confusion about what went on," the man began to respond in justification.
"What?" Cloud said fast.
"It was not like that, Cloud, I know you know that deep down."
Heated again, Cloud began to argue, "You know you took advantage, you said that in your apartment, you said you knew it wasn't okay—"
"I acknowledge now that I did take advantage of your vulnerability," Rand said to that, cutting him off, "but it wasn't like that back then. I acted unethically, that I knew, I was your Keeper and there were boundaries I knew at the time I was crossing that I shouldn't. But I wasn't just some predator trying to force something from you that you didn't want to give, not where our intimacy was concerned."
Cloud actually laughed at the suggestion. "You were telling me I had no choice," Cloud reminded him and the man continued to defend himself.
"I told you the truth about what I believed you needed at the time," Rand said. "There was no guidebook to follow in the situation with the implant and how to best help you develop."
"You forced me to sit there while you touched me, while you showed me the way you wanted me to touch you back. Put your mouth on me, made me do the same, knowing I had no clue what the hell we were even doing," Cloud reminded him.
"It wasn't by force," was Rand's only retort.
"The lies are what made it forced, Rand," Cloud shot back.
"I did not lie about what I thought would help you biologically as you were evolving—" the man began to argue and Cloud spoke over him.
"You told me there was a contract, you don't remember that?"
Rand was silenced at the mention of it.
"That all important contract that meant we were basically in a marriage. That was a lie. Right," Cloud said.
The man shut his eyes to that, exhaling deeply through his nose. Maybe he had forgotten about that. In that moment Cloud could see what he was saying was really getting to him. It seemed like he'd actually broken into a sweat.
"You said something like in a marriage there's give and take. That if you were giving then you could expect to get something back?" he said, making himself think back on it, as hard as it was. "You even said that yesterday, that if you've taught me anything, it's about give and take. You don't think that kind of coercion with someone as messed up as I was counts as force?" With no response then from Rand he pushed on. "You don't think drugging someone half-unconscious while you get off counts as force?"
"I told you, I did that for you so that I wouldn't hurt you, so that it would be easier!"
"So that what would?"
"Physically, just, I—" the man stopped and sighed with frustration. He couldn't talk himself out of that one. "You had biological needs, and it was the most effective way to alleviate the aggression that was locked up in you because of the experiments. That is what made sense at the time."
"Just listen to yourself," Cloud spoke with awe and disgust.
"I was helping you and you knew that at the time!" the man exclaimed firmly.
"I barely knew what silverware was at the time!" Cloud threw back bitingly.
"There were times you were coming to me, you were asking me to—"
"I did not ask you!" Cloud interrupted, finding the suggestion ridiculous. He had memories that told him he had in fact started some of their interactions but he couldn't recall ever actually asking Rand to do something to him.
"Yes! In your way you did!" Rand insisted. "I knew because I knew you. You didn't have to say the words."
"That's convenient," Cloud scoffed.
Defensively, the man countered, "Well I think it's convenient that you don't want to talk about any of the times you approached me. The times when you would get into the shower with me when I was alone, wake me up when I was sleeping—"
The man took the conversation to the exact place he wanted to avoid. The things that really he felt he could never forgive himself for, the things that made everything so unclear when he focused on them. He latched onto what his therapists had told him to help save him from breaking down.
"I didn't know that it was wrong! I was brain damaged and programmed to only give a shit what you and Hojo wanted! To only do what you expected, even when you weren't saying the words! You could have told me to eat a bowl of poison and I would have done it and if I saw it made you or Hojo happy I probably would have gone looking for more!"
Too late. Despite the expelling of the words that he also knew to be true in defense of his actions, he was starting to lose it. He was having a hard time breathing and suddenly all the walls were starting to close in.
"Alright," Rand said softly then. "Just relax," he said.
"Fuck off, don't tell me to relax!" Cloud shouted back before heaving in a large breath that felt like it was getting constricted.
"I can see you working yourself into a panic attack, so calm down," the man replied. "I wasn't kidding when I said I can't be sure of getting any more of your medications, so as of now your anxiety medication is in short supply."
"You think that helps?" Cloud said as he shut his eyes and put his hands over them.
If the man thought that telling him he was going to be soon facing panic attacks without his meds was going to calm him, he was an idiot.
"Do you need one of the pills right now?" Rand asked and although he wanted to say yes, he shook his head. He'd already taken one that morning and he could still breathe. It wasn't bad enough for one of the meds.
Something occurred to him then as they were sitting in silence for a few moments and he was calming himself down. He still had his hands over his eyes as he laughed a little to himself.
"What is it?" the man's voice asked him.
"You're just so full of shit," he stated before lowering his hands and facing the man. "And either you really believe all the crap you want me to, or you think you can still manipulate me to." The man seemed a little inquisitive at the accusation. "You were concerned for my biological needs?" he questioned and received a subtle nod. "I needed release, that was the most effective way to get out all that apparent building aggression?" He didn't get a nod that time. Rand just stared back at him, curious about where he was headed. "You didn't think to just hand me a stack of porn and tell me to go off and handle my own situation in the bathroom alone. Or you know, something to that effect."
He watched Rand's expression closely. Watched his eyes as they fell slowly with defeat. But he could also see the gears turning in him as he worked up his explanation, his argument for why that wouldn't have worked. He went on as the man was formulating.
"I mean, why'd you need to be involved at all, right? Why can't you just admit what you did was for you and only you? You tricked me because you wanted out of me what they all do."
"No," Rand stopped him, looking at him straight. "Cloud, I, I've…" he shook his head and looked toward the floor. He seemed to be struggling hard to explain himself at that point. "It was wrong," he finally said and it took Cloud by surprise a little. He hadn't expected the word 'wrong' to come from his mouth.
"At the time though…" Rand started to say again and Cloud rolled his eyes, waiting for the repeated justification. "It doesn't matter," the man stopped himself. "I can see how and why it was wrong. But, there was a reason, and what I did to you, while taking advantage of your trust and inability to see outside the scope of the reality we made for you, what I did was not rape. I was always caring." Cloud was shaking his head without looking at him. "In Midgar, I was," Rand insisted.
"The night of the New Years Gala," Cloud said and he turned his eyes to look over at the man once more, to see him pale at the reference.
"In the shower. That was you caring?"
The mentioning of that night made the man change instantly. He seemed to shrink in the chair a little. His shoulders sank. He looked like he could be sick.
"Please don't," he uttered quietly.
"Please don't?" Cloud echoed. "That's a good one, maybe I should have tried that, seen if it would have made a fucking difference."
"That's enough!" Rand shouted then, slamming the table top once more and making Cloud jump a little at the suddenness of it. "My actions that night, I was devastated with myself, ashamed. Sickened," he confessed.
Cloud watched him a moment, the man looking like he was reliving the event in his mind with his eyes tightly shut and his brow furrowed as if in pain. It did mean something that he really did seem so upset by what he'd done that night. But it didn't mean enough if he refused to acknowledge it for what it was.
"Well. Poor you," Cloud told him at a level tone. "You know, Rand, even if I've never had a real, normal relationship with anyone, the kind I think you're supposed to have. Even though I have no idea what a normal relationship even looks like, there's one thing I do know. I know it's not what we had. I know that much."
Rand was silent at that point. Cloud sat back in the chair at the table, crossing his own arms, waiting for whatever was supposed to come next. He didn't expect the thing that did. His former Keeper moving to the closest chair at the table next to him, closer than was comfortable.
"I am sorry," the man told him softly but sincerely sounding. Cloud just turned his head so he didn't have to look at him. "Cloud, I…" the man leaned closer, trying to get back in eye sight but Cloud turned his body slightly away. "There's nothing I can say," Rand stated as if really realizing it for the first time. "I…I did care, so much," he repeated something he'd said before. "I luh—"
"Don't say it," Cloud cut him off fast. He turned his head to finally look at him again. "Not that."
"It's the truth," Rand spoke with his eyes locked on his and without breaking that contact Cloud gave his reply.
"I don't care."
He didn't. He didn't want to hear that the man who had helped keep him captive physically and mentally and had tortured him and left him feeling so guilty about who he was, loved him.
After a tense few moments of eye contact that Cloud forced himself not to break because he needed the man to know how serious he was, Rand finally lowered his eyes and he nodded a little at the same time he reached into his one pocket to retrieve his phone. He pulled up something on it and holding it on its bottom edge on the table in front of Cloud he showed him a picture he'd seen before. The picture of him and Marco. It was now on Rand's phone. Cloud didn't know why he was showing it to him. He almost expected a threat was coming.
"He isn't no one," Rand said softly. "Marco. What makes him different than the others?" he asked.
Cloud shook his head and looked away from the phone. "I don't want to talk about him," he spoke firmly.
"Please," the man said.
"Why?" Cloud shot back at him. Why the hell did he care so much?
"I just…I want to know," Rand answered, his voice still quiet. "I need to know that, if I am the monster you think I am, that I didn't break you completely."
Again, the man took him by surprised. He didn't know if he was fully buying into Rand's vulnerability and what seemed like shame and regret, but he did seem genuinely sad.
"You don't decide when I break," Cloud said, getting a brief smile from the man.
"Tell me," he said, tapping his phone gently on the table top, bringing attention back to the photo displayed on it. "About Marco."
Shaking his head, Cloud looked at the photo. He didn't owe any kind of explanation or answers to Rand and he worried about saying anything about Marco at all in the chance it led to him being put in some kind of danger. He figured the chance was low and Rand seemed determined to know about him so he was vague in his reply.
"I don't know," he said with a shrug. "He's just…he's nice," was his eventual answer.
"Nice?" Rand repeated, clear skepticism and dissatisfaction in his tone.
There were so many other ways he could describe Marco. In that moment though all he could really think about was the way the guy had looked back at him, everything around seeming to fade out of focus…
"Nice," Cloud confirmed. "In the realist way possible," he told Rand. "He's genuinely nice in a way that I've only seen a few times in my whole life. The way he cares about people…its just natural to him."
Rand watched him as if waiting for more but there wasn't more he was willing to give up than that. He reached for Rand's phone, pushing it back toward him, away from himself. The man closed out the screen and placed it face down on the table top.
"How much have you shared with him, about your past?" the man asked him and it bothered him because he knew what he was insinuating.
"Why? You don't think he could handle it?"
"Is that what you think?" Rand said back, making Cloud sigh with irritation. "It's a lot, isn't it?"
He was impatient then and wanting to get off the subject as he replied, "Yeah, well, we barely spent any time together and by the looks of it you're making sure I'm not going to be available anytime soon so…"
Rand smirked a little at the comment and stood up from the table. He was putting his phone back in his pocket as he started to say, "If you do blame me for everything—"
"Not everything, you narcissist," Cloud cut him off quickly.
"Well, me and Hojo, and those who have harmed you, I understand," Rand said while beginning to clear his own dishes off the table. "Different perspectives aside, I do take responsibility for my part. But, we're not going to make much progress with moving forward while you're so angry with me."
"You know that's probably not going to change right?" Cloud said to his back as he was headed to the sink. "Setting aside whatever happened in the past in Gongaga and Midgar, you stole my kid and my personal property and you're keeping me in this place in the middle of nowhere against my will, screwing with my meds, my phone, and people I care about because you think somehow you can force me into forgiving you? You think putting me in a locked room and drugging me and refusing to deliver on what you promised me back in Junon is getting you anywhere there?"
"This really isn't what I wanted, you have to believe that," he said back, turning to face him again.
"I don't," Cloud fired back fast. "I don't believe you, Rand. And until you start talking about the things I want to know, I really don't have anything else to say to you," was his firm declaration. He meant it. He wasn't there to talk through all that had gone on between them, not without getting what he wanted.
"I'm sorry," his former Keeper said once more.
He slammed his own hand on the table then. "I don't want an apology! You know what I want!"
"You're worried about your son, I know," Rand noted. "You don't need to worry about him. As I said he's safe. You can trust that."
Hearing that only frustrated Cloud more, so far that's all he'd really heard. That wasn't enough by far.
"Look, he's with someone that I worked with for years," Rand told him, finally giving a little more. "I fully trust the couple looking after him. They've raised children."
"He's with a couple?" Cloud asked and Rand nodded. "Was that their kid in the room with mine or did you steal someone else's child too?" he asked sharply, thinking back on what he'd seen in that video feed back in Junon. Again, he received one of the man's irritating amused smiles. He shook his head and turned his eyes out towards the living area. "I can't believe you could do that to his mother, making her think he'd passed away," he remarked.
"She'll survive," was the callous response he got back.
"Will she?" Cloud snapped back at him as he stared him down again. "God, do you know what kind of crazy shit was going through my head when I was told he was gone?"
Rand was annoyed then. He could tell. "She was going to lead him to a life of torture," he pointed out sharply while clearing their dishes into the trashcan. "You know what it's like where he was going. Imagine being his age and being in pain like you experienced."
Cloud didn't want to imagine it.
"She didn't though, did she?" he retorted. "She was willing to save him from that."
"It's safer for both of them this way," Rand continued to justify. "She would never have stood a chance up against the ones who wanted him. It's not only Hojo she would be dealing with."
What the man was saying had Cloud feeling like his blood was running cold and Rand's countenance changed a little. He looked more tense, like he'd given away more than he'd wanted to.
"Why? What are you talking about?" Cloud asked. Rand set the emptied dishes into the sink before facing him.
"He's valuable because of what he inherited from you, because he did at all. It's never been achieved before, not like this, not to the extent—"
Cloud's mind was racing then. "The Jenova cells?" he asked, interrupting him. "He has them? From me?"
He didn't want to believe it. It scared him thinking about what that could mean.
"Sort of," Rand said, seeming a little uneasy with trying to explain. "Your hybrid cellular structure you achieved after the Jenova integration. That's what he has, I'm sure of it."
There was a bit of relief running through Cloud at hearing his wording.
"But you don't know that?" he questioned hopefully.
"I haven't had access to a lab, but I—"
"Then you don't know," he reiterated quickly. "He could be fine. He could be normal."
"There was testing done while he was in fetal development," Rand revealed. "The results were indicative of—"
"Stop!" Cloud demanded loudly. He got up then from the table fast and turned toward the living area, placing his hands on his head and lacing his fingers into this hair as he walked slowly to where the fireplace was and stared into the cold ashes in the hearth.
He'd been devastated when he thought his son had died, convinced that something he passed on to him had been the cause. Finding out he'd survived had been such a relief he hadn't allowed himself to think about what that actually meant. What it could mean. About how much like him his child could be. On a good day he still hated who he was and what was inside him, this poor baby boy had no idea how different he was. That he could be targeted by others both inside and outside of Shinra because of that was a suffocating thought.
"Cloud."
Rand said his name and he almost expected to be told to return to the table, or given some kind of order. That's not what came though.
"He, he is fine," the man assured him. "He's perfect. Do you want to see some pictures?"
Lowering his arms once more, he looked back towards the kitchen. "You have pictures?" he asked and with a nod, Rand proceeded to retrieve something from a drawer in the kitchen. His tablet.
"A few on here. I have more I can show you later. Some video as well," he said as he brought the tablet over to where he was standing. He motioned for Cloud to sit down on the one couch.
When Cloud sat himself down, he was handed the unlocked tablet, already cued up to one of the photos. It looked to be taken very shortly after his son had been born, wrapped tightly in a minty green colored blanket with a light blue cap on his head. There was a pattern on the cap he couldn't quite make out and two round ears sewn into the sides, like little animal ears. He looked incredibly small as he was cradled in the arms of a young woman. He couldn't make out her face at the angle the photo was taken but he could see she had fair features, blonde hair a little darker than his own.
"Is that his mother?" he asked Rand and the man gave a soft sound of audible confirmation.
She seemed around his age, maybe a bit older, it was hard to tell. There was a tattoo on the inside of her right wrist he couldn't really make out. Looking at her though, it made sense why his son looked so much like him because the mother had similar traits. He wondered how much of that was coincidence. Had Hojo been the one to personally select the participants in his secret project? There'd come a time when Hojo had started to suggest that there were things about his appearance that he did like. He'd made a comment about being fond of his face or something of the sort on at least one occasion he could remember. It made him wonder if that fondness had anything to do with what he was looking at in front of him now.
"Yes," Rand answered his question. "Her name's Annalena," he added. "I'm surprised you haven't asked his," he said then as he sat down in one of the armchairs. "Are you worried?"
"About what?" Cloud asked as he scrolled through the next few photos, looking to have been taken on separate occasions, likely a few months later.
"That I named him?" the man clarified.
Actually, Cloud hadn't been thinking about it but now that it had been brought up, it did worry him.
"Did you?" he asked without looking up.
"I wouldn't do that," Rand denied. "Annalena named him. Koda."
"Koda," Cloud said the name aloud while looking at his infant son lying on a blanket on what looked like a carpeted floor with some plush soft-looking baby blocks nearby. He had some kind of toy in his tiny hand that he was clutching and chewing on.
"Do you like it?" Rand asked and he nodded a little.
"Sounds strong," he commented softly.
"Like his father."
Cloud scoffed to the remark. "I hope he's nothing like me."
He ran out of pictures quickly to look at on the tablet quickly. There'd only been about ten.
"That's the only pictures on there right now," Rand told him, seeing he'd reached the end of the album. "Like I said, I have more though," he reminded him when reaching to take the device back from him.
"Thank you," Cloud uttered to the man then, not even planning for the words to leave him. "For keeping him away from Hojo, and whoever else," he said as he looked at Rand.
The man gave a short nod and a tight smile before getting up from the couch once more.
"I still want answers though," he said then.
"I know," Rand replied softly. He looked back at the table. "You're still not eating enough."
"I'll try," Cloud muttered, accepting the fact his avoidance wasn't going to get him any of those answers.
"Good. You can try while I'm outside a few minutes. I need to check on the supply in the woodshed. We do have fuel for the furnace now, but come winter the fireplace will make a big difference," the man explained.
Cloud didn't like the mention of winter and still being in that place.
Rand made a motion for him to return to his spot at the table so he dragged himself up to go back to it. The man put the tablet back into the drawer he'd retrieved it from and took out of the same drawer a set of handcuffs.
"Really?" he questioned dully to the man when he approached him with the cuffs.
"I won't be long," he said while motioning for Cloud to give him his left wrist. He did so with a huffed exhale.
When Rand closed the cuff around it, he left it fairly loose, but he did make sure it was tight enough that he wouldn't slip it off. Cloud found his hand being pulled forward on the table toward that metal loop he'd eyed earlier. Just as he suspected, it was there to attach the other cuff too.
The man whistled a little as he was getting on his coat and boots at the door. He remarked again that he would be back in a few minutes before heading past Cloud toward the back of the house to go outside.
The breakfast that had been made for him was cold at that point but he ignored that fact while he worked on swallowing one small spoonful after another. It wasn't as difficult to get down as it was earlier, even despite it being cold, perhaps because he wasn't thinking of trying to eat. He was just thinking of Koda and the pictures he'd just seen of him. It was so strange to think he even existed at all. Then there was what Rand had said, about him inheriting certain qualities from him…his hybrid structure…what was that going to mean if it were true?
He didn't know how long Rand had been outside as he'd been sitting alone at the table. He thought perhaps ten minutes, maybe less, when he heard the sound of the front door being unlocked. He thought it weird that the man had gone out the back door only to return through the front. He didn't look over when the door was opened, not until he heard a shocked sounding voice. It wasn't Rand's.
"Who the hell are you?"