Chapter 44: A golden Nightmare
The preliminary rounds had finally started- and Anastasia was sitting among the crowd of spectators that sat across the giant colosseum that surrounded the arena. Looking down, one could see the two combatants fighting right then and there. Though, it wasn't Lucia or Beatrice who were fighting, it was two random people who had entered the tournament. Anastasia sighed loudly, not out of boredom, but rather, because she was thinking about her and Lucian's conversation.
'Though If I'm honest,' Anastasia remembered herself saying to Lucian, 'Whenever I get a compliment, it's like I'm hearing someone talk about an entirely different person.'
'Well,' Lucian said back then, 'Everyone you know is talking about the real you.'
The real her.
Anastasia closed her eyes at the thought. The real her isn't anything special. Her eyes narrowed as her thoughts began to overtake her focus.
"Hey- Anastasia!" Anastasia blinked and turned her head to the female voice calling her. Approaching her were Zennon and Marie, who were holding hands. Zennon was wearing a black suit with a pink tie, and Marie was wearing a pink dress and a short blue denim jacket. They sat on the empty chairs that were next to Anastasia- and the blonde made sure to sit right next to her.
"How're you? It's been so long!" Marie cried.
Anastasia grinned. "Same to you! How's everything?"
"Awesome!" Marie cried, lightly tapping Zennon's chest with the back of her hand without turning away. "Zennon's a Pokémon contestant Judge! He's so good at it!" Maire turned to Zennon. "But he's not allowed to judge my performances..."
"W-Well.." Zennon said, his eyes darting back and forth. "Th-That's because I'd be incredibly biased… You're just too incredible at everything you do- you simply amaze me by existing, and-"
"See?" Marie said. "He's wayyy too biased. It's 'cause he loves me."
Zennon blushed and scratched his cheek with a single finger as Marie turned to smile at him. "Y-Yeah, I- I love you." He said.
Anastasia raised her eyebrows, slightly surprised Zennon was able to say that- all while staying conscious, no less.
"Love you too, babe!" Marie said with a wink. She then turned back to Anastasia. "So, what's new with you? I love your outfit, by the way!"
"Thanks!" Anastasia cried. "But uh- nothing much has changed with me."
"Oh really?" Marie said.
"Yeah…" Anastasia looked down. Marie blinked and leaned closer in worry.
"You okay?" The blonde asked. "It's fine if nothing changed-"
"No, no, I'm fine," Anastasia replied.
"You sure?"
"I'm sure."
"Because if something's going on- I can help!"
"I'm fine," Anastasia said, deciding to fake a bright and large smile. "I promise!"
Marie tilted her head and nodded. "Okay, but I'm here if you need anything," Marie said.
"I know. Thanks," Anastasia said. She turned and looked at the fight going on and sighed.
Everyone had changed except Anastasia. Watching the match between the two randoms wasn't helping her mood at all.
Suddenly, Anastasia's eyelids were becoming heavy. Almost spontaneously, an immeasurable amount of fatigue washed over her. Without even realizing it, Anastasia went to sleep.
Anastasia's eyes opened, and she was welcomed by darkness. All around her was nothing but black. The seat she sat on was gone, and she was standing.
"Am I-... Dreaming?" Anastasia said, looking around at the darkness around her.
Suddenly, an eerie sound, one that sounded like the low hum of blowing wind echoed behind her. Anastasia spun around to see what emerged from the Darkness.
It was Darkrai, the Pitch-Black Pokémon capable of lulling others into nightmares. Anastasia's eyes widened at the sight. She took several steps back.
"Wh-What are you doing here..!?" Anastasia cried.
Darkrai slowly extended its arm at Anastasia.
"You're a sham," Anastasia's own voice was echoing out to her like a loudspeaker, "A horrible human being through and through. You were useless when you were kidnapped, and you're useless now."
"Ugh..!" Anastasia put a hand on her head as an indescribable weight pushed down on her shoulders and caused her to fall.
"You've always been useless," The clone said.
"Stop it..! Why are you doing this..!?" Anastasia cried. Something stepped out of the darkness as though to answer Anastasia's question. The being that stepped out wasn't Darkrai, it was something that looked exactly like Anastasia- except this clone had glowing red eyes. The clone smiled deviously.
"You're a fraud." The clone said.
"What are you?!" Anastasia cried, stepping back as the clone stepped forward..
"A sham. A nobody. That's what you really are, and you know it."
"Go away!"
"Do you mean to disagree? Am I wrong about you?" The clone asked. "Do you remember the first day you were asked to join Lucia on her journey?"
"What…?" Anastasia said.
"I know I'm not as close to you as Beatrice was…" Anastasia's own voice echoed out to her like a loudspeaker yet again. "But uh, I'll be your new partner from here on out."
'Hey-!" Lucia's voice echoed. 'Don't compare yourself to Beatrice! You aren't some replacement. I am sad that Beatrice is gone, but don't think for a moment that I'll wish she was here instead of you. We'll get super close too, it's only a matter of time!'
"Do you remember?" Anastasia's clone said. "The anxiety you felt at that moment? That fear that Lucia would stop being your friend once she realized how useless you really are?"
Anastasia put both of her hands on her head. "Stop it..!" She cried.
"As you were watching Lucia change and become stronger, you felt anger and anguish toward yourself- you weren't changing at all."
"Stop…!"
"She was becoming stronger, and all you did was watch. And yet, she speaks to you as though you were her strength. You've done nothing then, and you're doing nothing now."
"STOP IT!" Anastasia roared. "Why are you doing this!?"
The clone slowly raised a finger at Anastasia. "The moment Lucia realizes that you're worthless, she'll throw you away, like trash."
"I SAID STOP IT!" Anastasia roared. The clone of Anastasia's smile became deeper as the real Anastasia glared with tears in her eyes. "Shut up… Just shut up and leave me alone!"
"Trying to run away again?" The clone said. "You and I both know that there's no use. No matter where you go- your worthlessness will follow. So why don't you try chasing your worth again? Try to earn your own worth, why don't you?"
"Just leave me alone…! Stop talking! Just stop!"
"All you've been doing thus far was to silence your thoughts of self-deprecation," The clone continued. "Attempting to become a trainer despite not wanting to… Being outgoing… heck, even flirting with every girl you saw- that was all to distract yourself, wasn't it? You doubted your worth, and you couldn't answer the questions you thrust upon yourself. So you ran away."
"LEAVE ME ALONE!" Anastasia roared. "I'll become a trainer- I'll do it- I don't want to, but I'll do it- just so you can leave me alone..! I just want to be happy…! I just want to go through life without thinking about being worthless..!" Anastasia slowly began to stand up and glared with bloodshot eyes. "You've always been in my way- You've always yelled at me for just being alive..!"
The clone smiled, and Anastasia lunged at it, punching her clone right in the face. The clone fell to the ground as Anastasia mounted it and raised her fist.
"You've always said such horrible things to me..!" Anastasia said, she threw her fist onto her clone's face. "Always! Always..!" Anastasia, punching again and again. "Me becoming a trainer won't even change anything, will it!? You'll just hate me regardless. Right!? Even if I work hard to become a trainer, it won't change anything! ! It won't do anything..!" Anastasia kept hurling her fist at her clone. " You won't leave me alone! I HATE YOU!" Anastasia raised her fist for a final punch, but then stopped suddenly. Her eyes widened in shock.
Her clone had turned into a younger version of herself. Anastasia stopped moving and just stared in disbelief as her younger body sank into the ground, as though it were going underwater.
"Mom..?" Anastasia's younger voice echoed in her mind like an alarm. "Why do you keep calling me golden..?"
"That's simple, honey," Anastasia's mother's voice said. "Because you're you."
"You never understood why she said that," Anastasia's clone spoke again, and the real Anastasia swung her head up. Crowding around her were thousands of other clones of Anastasia, staring at her in disgust. "You never understood why you were golden." They all said at the same time.
"You never understood why you were golden."
"You never understood why you were golden."
"You never understood why you were golden."
They all spoke those words again and again like a mantra. Anastasia put her hands on her ears.
"Stop..!" She cried. "STOP!..." She cried.
Anastasia curled herself up into a ball and began screaming as the voices continued to talk to her.
"You never understood why you were golden."
"You never understood why you were golden."
"You never understood why you were golden."
"STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!" Anastasia's voice was becoming drowned out by the clones. "STOOOOOOOP!"
Suddenly, the voices stopped. A hand fell onto the Pokémon contestant's shoulder. It felt warm and inviting. The girl looked up and saw Lucia, and Lucia alone. She smiled at her.
Another hand fell on Anastasia's other shoulder. She turned around and saw Marie.
"Why are you golden?" Both Marie and Lucia said at the same time.
"Why..?" Anastasia asked. "What do you mean- why?"
"Why are you golden?" They asked again.
"I'm not golden-" Anastasia said. "I'm not… Stop saying that I am-"
"Why are you golden?" They asked again.
"I don't know!" Anastasia cried.
"Why are you golden?" The girls asked.
"I DON'T KNOW!" Anastasia cried. "I don't know…"
"You are already Golden." Lucian's voice spoke out from the sky.
"How?!" Anastasia cried. "Have you not seen how worthless and useless I am-"
"I'm..!" Lucia's voice echoed out, and Anastasia's eyes widened. "I'm horrible...! I yelled at my Pokémon, I yelled at you… I yelled at Wattson, For what?! To convince myself that I was tough?! That I was strong!? I'm nothing, I'm weak… I'm worthless- pathetic… I've been weak ever since I was born...!"
Anastasia's eyes widened in realization.
"That's not true!" Anastasia's voice echoed out. "You're not worthless or weak. You just had a moment of weakness! A single moment doesn't define who you are! You're golden, you know that?"
Anastasia blinked. She had completely forgotten she had said that to console Lucia when she had gone off the deep end.
"What kind of golden person does what I did!?" Lucia's voice cried. "Would a golden person yell at her friends!?"
"Yes!" Anastasia's voice cried. "If someone were put in your shoes, yes, they'd do what you did… You believed in a lie, a lie that you were worthless. And Every time that you heard the slightest bit of evidence toward that lie, you yelled at yourself. You think, 'see, I told you so' to yourself, when something goes wrong. You're a person who thinks that they have to have a reason to be loved- but you fail to realize that by simply existing… you deserve to be loved. You don't need a reason to be loved- if anything, the reason you should be loved is because you're you!"
Anastasia stared up at the darkness in sheer shock.
"...Why..?" Anastasia's voice, the one belonging to her younger self, spoke to her. Anastasia spun around and saw the little version of her crying all by herself. She was wiping her tears with the back of her fists as she sobbed. "Why won't you say the same thing to me..?"
Anastasia nearly gasped.
"I've tried so hard… for so long…" The child said. "I was trying to be good. Am I not good? I'm so scared. I'm scared that no one will love me!"
The real Anastasia clenched her fists, remembering the words she said to Lucia.
"You're…" Anastasia said. "You're… a person who believed in a lie. A lie… that you were worthless. And every time you heard that lie.. I yelled at you."
"Am I worthless..? I just want to be loved… I just want someone to care about me… I just… I want someone to hug me…"
Anastasia slowly approached her younger self, fell to her knees, and then wrapped her arms around her.
"I'm sorry…" Anastasia said with tears streaming down her face. "I'm so sorry for neglecting you and running away…"
"Why do people keep calling me golden…?" The child said.
"You're golden…" Anastasia said. "I promise you, you're golden…"
"Why?"
"Because…you're you."
The child slowly began to smile, and wrap her arms around her older self. Slowly, the child's body began to disintegrate and turn into dust. Anastasia stared blankly at the darkness ahead of her, and stood up.
An eerie wind blew behind Anastasia, and she spun around. Darkrai floated in front of her.
"I get it now," Anastasia said. "You put me in a nightmare to help me, didn't you..?"
Darkrai nodded.
Anastasia smiled. "I don't know why or for what you decided to do that for, but… thank you. It's because of you… I'm realizing that I'm not as horrible as I thought I was… I'm trying, just like everyone else. I understand that I have to take the steps to learn how to love myself. But the first step is always the hardest. You don't have to keep me in a nightmare anymore. I'm gonna be okay." Anastasia said. Despite having tears in her eyes, she smiled a genuine smile.
Darkrai nodded.
Anastasia gasped for air as she rose from her seat. She was still sitting on the spectator's seat next to Zennon and Marie.
"You're awake- Great! I was about to wake you up," Marie cried. "Lucia and Beatrice are about to fight- it's the finals!"
Anastasia blinked and looked downward- Lucia and Beatrice were approaching each other as the announcer cried out their names.
"H-How long was I out..?" Anastasia asked.
"About three hours." Zennon answered
"O-Oh.." Anastasia said. She felt a little groggy, but she managed to shake it off. She then smiled gently. "You guys...?"
"Yeah?" Marie said.
"You know that feeling you get… when you uh- you know everything's gonna be okay?"
"Yeah..?" Marie said.
"Well… for the first time in forever… I really, truly think that everything's going to be okay." Anastasia said.
Marie turned to the young smiling girl and furrowed her brow in confusion. She then turned her head to Zennon, who shrugged.
"Uh…" The blonde said, turning back to Anastasia. "Oooookay…?"
Anastasia chuckled. "Don't worry about it." She said, "Let's just focus on the match, okay?"
Author's note: Remember, you are all Golden. :)