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Chapter 31
I Pick My Poison and It's You
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AN: When both people want something and they were strong to begin with and have history, it's a lot easier to move past it and work on things because they want it. Yet of course, things aren't always as easy as just that.
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The last two weeks would have been a whirlwind and dramatic and stressful anyway. Throw in one final nail in a relationship coffin and one renewal of a relationship and things got a little carried away. The Warblers decided to throw them a party and nobody cared if Blaine was upset about it.
There were rooms that could be earmarked for certain occasions. They were hard to come by near the end of the year but they managed. "I really don't know why you think you should be throwing us a party." Kurt tried to talk Nick, Thad, David and surprisingly, Wes, down from their antics.
Sebastian stood at his side and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, looking on amused and not helping Kurt at all. He couldn't seem to keep his arm from looping around some part of Kurt since they'd made up. He was kind of excited for a party in his honor.
"It's a Thank God Sebastian Got His Head on Straight Before We Had to Chop it Off party." Nick announced proudly at his ability to name things.
"Or We're Happy You Two Worked It Out." Jeff rectified from the side where he was drinking a soda and pretending it was Champagne.
Sebastian still mused over the text that he finally read when he had a chance from Kurt. It said 'If you haven't blocked my texts, we really need to talk, tomorrow morning in our study room, no excuses'. No wonder Kurt had been startled by his presence the second he sent his text off. If Sebastian hadn't been the one to seek Kurt out, he would have been caught by Kurt eventually. They had both wanted this, wanted to forgive and move on, hopefully together. If not the two of them, then the Warblers would have trapped them into a closet or something until they sorted things out. It still warmed him that Kurt called it our study room.
The Warblers throwing the party were setting up and Jeff had already gotten into the bubbles. Nick shook his head at his boyfriend but not asking him to help or criticize for correcting him. There were already enough cooks in this particular kitchen. Nick instead just shooed Kurt and Sebastian over to join him. Sebastian tugged Kurt away, he knew a losing fight when he saw one.
"They just want to celebrate us and celebrate in general. This will be one of the last parties we have all together." Sebastian reminded him gently.
Jeff handed them each a soda but Kurt set his down and opted for water. With Sebastian pointing it out like that, Kurt had no further arguments. He just settled back into Sebastian's side and exulted in the newness of this and the familiarity. He had really missed Sebastian, this Sebastian at least. It had been 5 days since they'd gotten back together and he'd never seen Sebastian so relaxed and comfortable in his skin. Being official and exclusive had really done something positive for Sebastian's morale.
True to his word, except for a few relatively innocent touches that were frankly just something they both needed, Sebastian hadn't tried anything. Kurt had touched him too, but nothing sexual, just intimate in other ways. They found themselves talking about a lot of little things that had built up over the last couple of years and worked through those. They didn't want to fall into the trap of glossing over the past and pretending everything was perfect. They might still be an issue in the future but at least they knew where they were coming from at the time and would attempt to curb the behavior.
Yet Kurt couldn't help but feel like it was perfect. There was nothing on the horizon that he could possibly see blotting their future sunlight. He knew it was probably there around the bend of the Earth but that was far too far in the future to worry about and it might dissipate before it even got to them.
He turned his head and tilted it back, offering his face to Sebastian who turned and caught the gesture. He happily complied with the request for a kiss. It wasn't a deep one, but it was another form of connection that they'd forged over the last few days. Before they had been worried about Blaine finding out about them or catching them once he knew. They had spared Blaine's feelings just like Blaine and Kurt had spared Sebastian's.
Now they weren't quite as conscientious about it but didn't try to rub it into anyone's face either. They weren't outright trying to hurt Blaine.
Already the gossip chain at McKinley was hard at work. Kurt had told Sam and Finn that he'd gotten back together with Sebastian. There had been congrats from them both and Puck had sent him a text not long after. It hadn't been a sweet text by any means but it was in praise of them getting back together at the very least. The one he sent Sebastian was worse but with the overall positive message.
Sebastian had seen Kurt's text that he'd received and shown him his and huffed with a strained laugh. "Well, at least I know you're well taken care of if anything were to happen to me."
Rachel had given him a long suffering sigh on the phone, didn't acknowledge him back together with Sebastian at all then started talking about New York. She wanted to go with him when they headed out and after checking with his dad, they'd made a plan. She also wanted to have a meeting on the books once a week at the very least. She would not let him stop being her friend. Santana weaseled her way into the move and somehow ended up in the same building as Kurt. Each floor was gender specific and they traded off. Santana was going to be basically right above him.
He couldn't find it in him to be bothered by that. He was actually not only kind of pleased but reassured that she would be near. Sebastian per usual didn't say much on the Santana or Rachel situations. He just listened to Kurt's plans patiently and with a bit of a smile. It was only when Kurt crawled onto the bed and sat next to him, knee to knee and asked that Sebastian finally spoke his opinion.
Sebastian had slid a hand through Kurt's hair and rested it on the back of Kurt's neck, keeping a physical connection with him in many ways. "I think it's sweet that Santana wants to be so close and will be there with you and for you and you for her." He offered a small smile. "I'm sorry about what I said earlier about her and Rachel. I wasn't thinking and only remembering the bad stuff. Rachel's been surprisingly there for you through all of this, I didn't think she had it in her."
Kurt had nodded and tipped forward to kiss Sebastian. "You will not be shunned or pushed out by them, if that's still a worry."
"It's not, not anymore." Sebastian knew he wasn't Rachel's favorite person but she and he had even chatted once while Kurt was getting ready since they got back together. They had both understood that the other would be held accountable if either hurt Kurt.
He still hadn't broached Kurt's family with the renewal of their relationship. They had a few more days and Sebastian was hoping to go back with Kurt after they moved out of the dorms and clear the air then and there. Of course, Sam and Finn had already text him or sent him a message through one of the social media sites they had connected on. It was Burt and Carole he was worried about. Graduation day would help a little too, they could talk then with forced politeness between them because of Kurt's big day. Burt couldn't kill him then and there at least. He was kind of surprised he was still alive as it was.
Sebastian was going to use whatever help he could get. He wasn't a complete idiot.
The party went well and all the people who complimented them on working it out, for getting together in earnest, how they'd been rooting for the two of them had made Kurt feel more and more uncomfortable. Would these same people have said the same to him had it been Blaine that he'd ended up with? Were they able to see things so much clearer than he'd been able to from the start? Or had it taken them time? Or were they happy as long as the couple was happy? He assumed it would be the latter but he didn't know for sure.
He loved Sebastian and thought it was the right choice too. Time would tell if it was the choice but he was very happy with his choice. He was glad that Sebastian had agreed and wanted him too.
Despite Kurt knowing everyone had a right to question this relationship, to question his feelings, they were all very supporting. He had thought nobody would put stock into his declaration and feelings of love for Sebastian after he'd messed up so badly with Blaine. Yet, he knew his feelings were true, knew that he had loved Blaine too, in his way. It was just a different type of love than he felt for Sebastian. The love he felt for Sebastian was all encompassing.
He was holding off on going further than kissing Sebastian but knew his resolve would only last for a short time. He had to keep reminding himself that's what he had put forth for them every time they kissed. It would be all too easy to sink into Sebastian's embrace and just let go, embrace all of it once more.
The trouble was, while he knew Sebastian to believe the words to be true, it was Sebastian's love he was doubting. He thought Sebastian was confusing sex for love, was confusing the game for truth. Yes, Sebastian managed to convince him he wasn't playing a game on the outset but when Blaine got involved, he had to have gotten a thrill out of the chase too. Kurt was positive that it was just residue, and that all too soon he'd wake up to it. He wanted to be part of Sebastian's life until he figured it out but was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
His vague hope was that if they spent time together without sex hanging over them as a promise, then Sebastian might actually fall for him as a person. It was a fleeting hope though, Sebastian could as easily get bored and leave again.
Doubts still plagued Kurt and he knew he would have to verbalize these soon. It was unfair to their relationship if he didn't. It would be unfair to Sebastian and everything they set out to do this time around. They didn't have much time left at school together and so he would make the most of their time left. He didn't want to spoil it again for anyone.
–
Sunday afternoon, Kurt was bent over a desk, looking at some papers when Sebastian walked into the joint Junior-Senior commons. Kurt had been using that one more often just to make it easier for Sebastian to join him. Sometimes he hung out in the courtyard, but if there were a lot of loose papers, then he picked an indoor space.
"Whatever you're working on, can wait." Sebastian wrapped himself around Kurt's shoulders and rested his chin on Kurt's head.
Kurt's lips curled into a sassy smile, knowing Sebastian just sounded like he was ordering Kurt but knowing he would do whatever Kurt wanted in the end. "It can't, it's sheet music for the end of year song." When Sebastian gave a derisive snort, Kurt defended it. "No really, that's a big priority today."
"It's only going to be the seniors singing it?" Sebastian tried to look, it seemed kind of counter productive. It should have been the underclassmen singing their farewell song to the ones leaving.
"You'll have to discuss it with David and Wes. Even in this they want to keep their control. It's their last song and so they want to go out big." Kurt gave a shrug.
"It's going to end up being Graduation (Friends Forever) or something as equally on the nose and sappy." Sebastian groaned.
"Couldn't say, honestly, they want to keep it a secret for their big reveal." Kurt slid the papers together. There wasn't even a title on the top sheet- it was a copy for their seniors and didn't want it falling into the wrong hands or overseen. "I shouldn't have brought it into here but it was my last big project. Everything else is done."
"Hmm..." Sebastian nearly pouted. "You have to go soon?"
"Yeah, well if someone was here an hour ago like they promised..." Kurt teased and Sebastian tightened his arms.
"Sorry my text didn't go through, I didn't see that it bounced back until after the meeting. I didn't even realize we'd had a lacrosse meeting today until they sprung it on me." It was just about strategies, they'd have practice tomorrow and the last game on Thursday. They weren't going to make it to the championships this year. Most of their competing schools were either year-round or had another a week of classes. Dalton was just finishing a little earlier than most other schools but not the earliest.
"I have a few minutes though." Kurt turned in his arms. "All devoted to you and only you."
Sebastian grinned and bent to kiss Kurt. "I love you." He said against Kurt's lips.
"I love you too." Kurt's answer was easy to say, he loved Sebastian probably entirely way too much for words. Even just the quirk of Sebastian's lips in response to Kurt's words was just another thing to love.
–
Kurt found Wes and David in the choir room. "Hey guys, there's something I wanted to talk to you about-". He thought they shouldn't change the key of the song just for him, he had the ability to go lower than they were giving him credit for.
"We knew this day was coming. Have a seat, we'll talk you through it." Wes gestured to the high back throne like chair with side arms. A less flexible person would only have one way out.
"You guys-" Kurt walked forward, not sure why they'd need to talk him through the song, it was pretty straight forward. He didn't sit until David's hands on his shoulders pressed down. They took seats right in front of him. "Ok, what's going on?" He was so confused now, he had figured out that this wasn't about the song.
"We're glad you finally came to us. We should have given this to you ages ago but didn't think you were ready for the contents." For one brief second he thought they were going to try and educate him on sex and that was wrong for far too many reasons.
David placed the brown leather book on Kurt's lap and he flinched backward. He'd come to understand what was in it all on his own after that group conversation. It had been something only Wes and David had participated in. This was something only those two had touched. It didn't take a genius to figure it out. Sebastian had even alluded to it in passing as something he just learned about. "I don't want this." Kurt tried to hand it back.
"Nonsense, it's something you should see." Wes dismissed.
"I don't want to know, I don't get why you're showing this to me now." Kurt looked to David, he was always the more reasonable one.
"Because you need to. It will always be a question hanging over your head." David explained. "You're ready to see it now."
In fact, Kurt wasn't and when they opened it up to start explaining. Kurt took the book up in his own hands and started flickering through the copious amount of pages. His anger built as he read the different categories and small comments scribbled down. Some of this stuff had been very private between him and the others. How had David and Wes gotten a knowledge of it?
"What is this?" They should have both been well-acquainted with dangerous-Kurt's voice by now but they either ignored it or didn't recognize it. "Why would you do this?"
"We recognized the fire in Blaine's eyes when you walked in with him, saw the corresponding flames in Sebastian's when he caught sight of you. We knew we were going to be in for an interesting ride. So we started the list for prosperity. Thought we might as well have a little side-wager on top of it." Wes explained as if that was totally fine. "I was betting on Blaine. You seemed like a romantic relationship sort and that's what Blaine kept saying he wanted."
"Ooh, so much better." Kurt nodded along sarcastically and ran his finger over a heading to one of the very first pages. "Why does this say Lies Told to Kurt?"
"Oh that." David glanced at it and laughed, which only served to grate on Kurt's already taunt nerves. "We wrote that heading the second Blaine told you Wes and I were straight. We kept track of a lot of things like that." David tried flipping the pages but Kurt's death grip finally had them figuring out that this was not the right time or place to show him it. It might have never been.
"It's not what you think, Kurt." Wes tried to be reasonable but Kurt jumped to his feet, causing the other two to scramble backward. "We're not gay, we're more sexual orientation fluid and did happen to have girlfriends at that time." Wes chuckled to himself, still missing the point.
David was trying to backtrack a little. "Sebastian and Blaine's feelings were genuine for you, that's not what this book was trying to track. It was just a real-life case study to help us with order of events in the future, looking for the fine details."
Every time David spoke, Kurt wanted to calm down and figure out what he was talking about. It wasn't exactly ok, but it wasn't harming anyone even if he felt his life was being monitored and dissected. Every time Wes spoke though, it just sent his blood pressure skyrocketing and his anger right along with it.
"Did you track Sebastian's lies too?" Kurt could have just looked in the book for his answers but he was holding it shut and far too tightly to be reasonable.
"Only a few that we caught. Mostly lies that he was telling both of you but before he understood them for himself." David tried to explain.
"I lost a pretty penny when I bet that Sebastian would come out as the lie master. Not only was his substantially shorter but they weren't believable ones to anyone. Blaine's were plausible." Wes laughed. "With only a few days left, we have to call it. They wouldn't be able to do enough to make up for the last year and a half and change the results to the different wagers we had about different actions. Besides, you'd made your choice, we didn't see a need to continue with the rest of the categories."
"Like...?" Kurt didn't want to hear but he also couldn't leave. So he was just torturing himself by asking.
"How many times you orgasmed. You weren't exactly quiet and we heard it every time we walked by a door you two were in. You found some pretty creative areas, didn't you?" Wes shrugged. "Yes, oh, Sebastian, right thereeee." His impression of Kurt was offensive.
David was trying to shush Wes and looked at his friend frantically. He saw what was happening in Kurt's face and that was something they probably shouldn't have mentioned.
"Why me? Why this? Why us?" Kurt was red now, he would give his dad a good run for his money with how angry he was and barely hanging onto it.
"You weren't exactly an open book when you came to spy on us and those two have always been up to stuff. We figured you three would be a challenge that would still supply us with ample things to bet on."
"Or snicker over." Kurt hissed and for the first time Wes took notice of Kurt's attitude. Kurt shook his head, completely appalled by what he was learning. What else had they overheard?
"It was only innocent fun. We just wanted to observe and record. It wasn't like we were laughing at you." Wes held up his hands in peace.
"Sure doesn't seem like it from my side of things. Didn't you have anything better to do?"
"We didn't spend our entire time following you three." Wes defended himself. "Just whenever we happened upon something or observed it, we wrote it down."
"This was just harmless." David waved at the book. "We got carried away, like someone trying to unravel a mystery and plot points with characters and places. We didn't mean to show you this to make you mad. We honestly thought you would get a laugh out of it." David tried to touch Kurt but he jerked away. "Please just read through it, you'll see."
"I'm going to burn it." Kurt said in response to that. "This shouldn't exist, it never should have existed. This is a whole new form of bullying I didn't know could exist!"
"It's not that!" Wes made to take the book out of his hands, to protect it but Kurt wouldn't give it back. Now that it was in his hands, he'd never let them have it back again. "Everything was a competition between them and you just added new layers. It wasn't meant to hurt you, it wasn't even really about you, more just about them. We've been making bets on them since we met. They're always competing and we're just always trying to see if we can predict who's right in each category."
"That makes me feel so much better Wes. This is my life!" Kurt shook his head. "I thought Sue was bad enough. Now I'm going to have to check everywhere I go for bugs, see if I'm being recorded and spied upon. I'm not some kind of criminal. I was a victim when I first came here, I was vulnerable and it looks like I still am!" Kurt turned toward the door and Wes grabbed his sleeve. "Wesley, you will release me or you will lose that hand. You may have made me a continuous victim, but I will not play that part with you ever again. Don't make me into the other."
"Kurt- just read it!" David called out as Kurt stormed toward the door, pushing it open and not remembering why he came in to begin with. The door slammed shut behind him. It was a good thing they graduated in less than a week, because he didn't know how he'd ever be able to look at Wes or David again or stand to be with them for any length of time. This was way worse than anything the ND had ever done or said to him and they'd had some doozies.
It was late evening, supper had already been ate, homework completed, all clubs had finished and kids were winding down to sleep for the night. Nick was in bed when Kurt slammed his way in and threw something against the wall above his desk. It was any wonder that it didn't crack the plaster. It flopped onto Kurt's desk and Kurt dropped his bag on top of it before going into the bathroom. He came out a few minutes later, remarkably more controlled and dressed for bed. "I'm sorry." Kurt said, knowing it wasn't in anyway directed at Nick but still having to speak was difficult at the moment without having some anger in his voice. "I shouldn't have come into the room like that."
Nick hadn't moved and when Kurt apologized, he gave a one shoulder shrug. "It happens." Nick had thrown his fair amount of tantrums within these walls. "Did the book do something to you?" He asked carefully.
"More like the person who wrote the book." Kurt sagged onto his bed, his energy spent.
"Was it Blaine?" Nick had already been in the middle of composing a text to Sebastian, seeing if the boyfriend was needed first before he sent it.
Kurt gave a merciless laugh, knowing that Nick hadn't been part of this mess. "No, Wes and David, but I'm thinking mostly Wes." David had at least been contrite but he may need to reevaluate that in the morning. He'd seen them both pour over that notebook for nearly years at this point. David at any moment could have said to Wes that they needed to knock it off. Wes though had lied straight to his face about it, about whether or not there were any more secrets they were holding, about the wagers. He'd even gone so far to throw him off the track and talk to him about his fears of college. It just wasn't ok in Kurt's book. He'd given him so many opportunities to come clean.
It'd been only a short time since the last time he felt so...exposed and violated. Wes hadn't realized that what he'd done was akin to taping him without his knowledge. That was something that he'd have to learn before he graduated law school.
Kurt couldn't sleep that night. Instead of getting up and reading the book with some kind of dim light, hoping it wouldn't disturb Nick, he left. Kurt pulled on a robe and headed out of the room with it. He headed down to the one study room that he knew would not be stumbled upon by accident, the room that could only be exited once the door was closed with insider's knowledge or patience.
There he could read with the lights all on and be left undisturbed.
Curiosity had gotten the better of him and he poured over every page, one by one, taking in all the scribbles and doodles in the margins. He looked over the headings, traced Sebastian's name and saw what David had been anxious for him to see. He wasn't through the entire notebook, he'd only gotten maybe half way when the door creaked open and David and Wes poked their heads in.
Kurt looked over to them sleepily, he had been wide awake when he started. Now he was exhausted and didn't understand why they were there. David looked a bit bashful. "Do you mind if we come in?"
"You can." Kurt said but his eyes were on Wes, daring him to try.
"I'm so sorry Kurt, David sat me down and explained why you were upset. I wasn't being very sympathetic to your feelings. I know that's an area that I will have to work on. I can't be a good lawyer if I can't even recognize what emotion I'm pulling from the witness or judge or jury." Wes tried smiling but it failed. "I told you I suck at making friends, this is one of the reasons."
"Why didn't you come clean when I gave you plenty of opportunities? Why just spring this on me?" They stayed at the door since Kurt didn't agree to them invading his space once more.
Wes rubbed his toe against the ground as he looked at that, trying to come up with an answer. "I guess it's because I feared your reaction when you were so vulnerable and talking about returning to McKinley. I didn't want to lose your friendship when you were still so raw. I couldn't add to it."
"Was there another reason for the stupid group unity singing? I still thought there was something you weren't telling me that day but then you chose to use the idea to make things better for Nationals and I kind of let it go or forgot about it until this." He waved to the book.
"Yes." Wes glanced at David who was also waiting for an answer. "I was still hoping you'd chose Blaine. I guess I did try to nudge you a little, despite my best intentions to stay neutral. After everything that went down, I wanted you to end up with someone and for David or I to win something. I didn't fully care who, but I did attempt to sway you a little with the song choices."
"Ha! I knew they were rigged!" Kurt glowered at Wes despite his gloating at being right.
"I did change my tune after looking through it all again, though. I wanted to see you with Sebastian in the end. You were never really out in the open with either of them so it wasn't until looking at this that I realized he was the better choice. I see now why I shouldn't have done any of that."
With a sigh, Kurt beckoned them in. "Why aren't you two in bed?"
"Nick recognized the book and when he saw you were missing this morning, he text us." David explained. "Pretty sure Sebastian's going to come barreling down on us too when he gets the message."
"What time is it?" Kurt reached for his phone but realized he didn't bring it. Sebastian would be sleeping until 6:30.
"5 am." Wes answered with a wince. "How long have you been down here?"
"Since 3, I think. I had trouble sleeping and so I decided to tackle it head on." Kurt gestured to why he couldn't sleep. "I still don't get why you showed me this, why you wanted to hurt me by doing this in the first place."
"No, no, it wasn't meant to hurt you!" Wes scurried in and over to Kurt. He threw his arms around Kurt despite his clear warnings earlier. Kurt didn't fight him off. "It started off so innocently, stayed innocent, really. Part of it was a joke. You were never on our radar as someone who would come to Dalton. We thought you would be a cliff-note in it. It really was just a score keeping between Sebastian and Blaine. We've had others where they're prominent in it too. We decided to start a new one when we saw the two of them eying you up."
"We didn't even know if they knew they were truly interested at the time." David helped explain. "We hadn't even added your name to it until you came to Dalton. It had started out as Lies Told, and we added to Kurt afterward. When it became clear they actuallly became invested in a relationship with you."
"If I had stayed at McKinley, you wouldn't have put me in it?" Kurt checked.
"We may have, if they started bringing you around." David gave a shrug. "At that point, it was leaning far more in Blaine's favor. He was taking you out to dinner and musicals and all sorts of things. As far as we knew, Sebastian hadn't even spoken to you. It really wasn't a thing until you transferred in. We would have just tallied up other things the boys did, other lies or exaggerations. Not all of these are even lies they told you, you weren't even around for some of them." He pulled the book over and flipped to a page and pointed at a passage. "Like this one."
It was about Sebastian and not Blaine. Met the man of my dreams yesterday in a bathroom and broke up with him 20 minutes later.
"Sounds like the Sebastian I first met." Kurt mumbled.
"Yeah but I know for a fact that Sebastian hadn't gone to a club or bar that week." Wes countered. "He was out sick with the flu. The only bathroom he was going to was the one he shared with Blaine, who was in Singapore that week."
"So unless he was talking about his hand or his reflection in the mirror, that was a bit of a lie. Even then it was a stretch. Sebastian is perfectly capable of picking guys up, not knocking that, but nobody until you has ever been met with words like dream. Usually when he used those kinds of expressions it was in jest. With you it was always honest and didn't really realize he was saying it and if he did, didn't take it back." David explained. "Or this one." He pointed to where they had written down Blaine's lie. Went to a karaoke bar and got a number from an agent.
"So?" Kurt asked, it was possible.
"Insurance agent." Wes clarified. "Was just trying to poach Blaine to switching to them when they saw his ride."
Kurt wondered when this Karaoke/agent thing happened. It had to be after Kurt met Blaine but he'd never once said it to Kurt. He supposed Blaine would have known Kurt would have pushed him to call. Or maybe he just couldn't keep track of his lies, especially enough to tell everyone the same thing.
For the next half hour, he let David and Wes point things out in the book. His anger had dissipated and he was a lot calmer. He could actually listen and appreciate what they were saying now.
"This is my favorite page. All the times they did something sweet for you, especially when they were in danger of being reamed out by you or someone else for it." There were a few marks by Blaine's name but there were far more by Sebastian's.
"And these are the asshole things they've done to you." They were pretty even on that score. Kurt knew that without having to tally it up.
While not especially happy about the details and his involvement in it, it was still nice to see what he couldn't from the middle of all the drama. First meetings, missed meetings, comments between the two whether or not it was about him. Kind gestures, longing looks, things he'd missed. Caught kisses, touches, hearing them having sex. They'd marked down the times they'd believed he slept with either of them. He was less than pleased by the latter half, feeling a little sick when thinking about it and he told them so.
"It was just... well at that point we couldn't stop. We should have but it was like watching the bachelor." It was interesting to note that they thought he had far more sex with Sebastian than he had but they were pretty accurate with the number for Blaine. Still, the true amount of times with Sebastian was nearly double than that with Blaine if you only counted after he started sleeping with Blaine.
There were a few moments in there too that did lighten Kurt's opinion on Blaine. There were moments he was actually the boy Kurt had thought he was, both in general and in regards to Kurt. That was nice to see, Blaine not being a completely self-centered ass.
Within that, there were snippets of conversations he'd had with David or Wes
There were things that Kurt had done that had genuinely hurt Blaine. Things Kurt hadn't even realized he'd done. There were things that Blaine wished he'd done differently or said differently. Ways he wished he'd approached Kurt differently or desire to track Kurt down sooner but got waylaid. One of them was the story of him singing Blackbird and how Blaine had been floored as if he'd never seen Kurt before. The Beatles were definitely Kurt's to sing from then on. He'd said it in passing and was going to track Kurt down but he got pulled into another conversation and Sebastian slipped out after Kurt instead.
Sebastian.
Page after page were so many things that Sebastian had done to or for Kurt. Even back when those harsh words were being slung at him, he'd been so supportive of Kurt's decision not to join the Warblers. He'd held doors open for a blind Kurt: often on his phone or talking to Blaine. He'd seen Kurt looking particularly down and used heavy innuendo to rile him up and pull him from his funk. Long stares after Kurt had left. Covert glances, smiles that Sebastian would have been embarrassed to have been caught giving when Kurt did something he found cute or humorous.
"Sebastian's in love with me." Kurt said to the room, shocked to his core that it was true. He looked over everything again and repeated himself, allowing himself to finally believe it. "Sebastian's in love with me, really in love with me." He said it again, his eyes closed and absorbing that truth and felt lighter, as if he was disconnected to gravity.
"No shit, Sherlock." Nick's voice startled him and his head wiped around to see him at the door. "Sebastian's been saying that to you all the time since you got back together."
"I know, but I guess it hadn't really sunk in until now." Kurt had thought them to be just words with mislabeled meaning, but the gestures, the looks, the support, it was all laid bare for him. "What are you doing down here?"
"Sebastian asked me to help him look for you, I'm supposed to text him if I find you. He sent me low while he went high. I think that's an innuendo for something." Nick crossed his arms and tapped his foot. "What the hell is wrong with you, Kurt? Are you just playing with Sebastian now?"
"No!" Kurt protested. He'd not only seen Blaine's and Sebastian's actions more clearly now, but he'd read about himself in there too. It hadn't been the focus of David and Wes's book but it had been easy to see him clearly too. What he'd read about himself... wow.
"I knew I loved Sebastian from early on, I just... I got lost somewhere and I thought I had sorted it out. It wasn't until now that I realized that I didn't trust Sebastian's words because I didn't trust myself. Really, it's the only thing that I should be doing, trusting him and my feelings for him."
Kurt placed his hand on top of the closed book. "My reality kept shifting from under my feet, especially these last few months. Every time I thought I understood what was happening around me and my feelings and about to act on them... someone or something would completely change my outlook and view. It took me too long to catch up every time. Except now I realize at the heart and core of it, there was Sebastian and myself. My view of him changed, but he was still there, still the same. I always chose him and I will always choose him."
"It's enlightening isn't it? It took us rereading it a couple of times to come to the conclusion ourselves." Wes explained. "It's why I eventually switched from Blaine to Sebastian."
"It's still not ok." Kurt countered. "Some of that stuff is too intimate to be written down like that for your perusal."
"It's yours now, to do what you like. I hope you don't choose to burn it." Wes looked at the book longingly, hoping it's existence to remain.
Whatever Kurt planned to say was cut off by Sebastian's very livid voice. Nick must have text him when he came upon them, he just hadn't told them that. "You two are complete and utter idiots or worse, jackasses!" Sebastian pushed passed Nick who was still hanging out in the doorway to lean over the table and glare at his friends. He put himself between Kurt and them, protecting him from whatever they could say or do, even though it wasn't possible to protect him from words and he'd already seen the entirety of the notebook, it was a little late for this. "Why the hell would you show this notebook to him after I explicitly said that it was a dumb idea after I found out about it?"
"It's ok, Bas." Kurt wrapped his fingers around Sebastian's elbow, tugging him.
Sebastian wanted to ignore him to continue glaring at the others for getting involved in his love life. They could very well have derailed it, again. He was unsure if he and Kurt were strong enough to withstand yet more battery against their relationship. Except Sebastian could never ignore Kurt, and his words and tone caught his attention particularly today. He looked over at Kurt with a small smile. "Bas?" He hadn't been called that since Scandals Take Two. He was beginning to wonder if that was something Kurt would only ever say to him at that establishment.
Kurt gave a small, assured answering smile. "Guess I'm feeling particularly close to you right now." He was too, with seeing how much they both cared about each other laid out so clearly. Sebastian tipped toward him, intending to mark that closeness with a kiss.
"You look exhausted." Sebastian switched gears instantly. "Let's get you in bed. You can call in sick for a day during your last week."
"It's fine, I'll go to class and just get an early night." Kurt waved off, though he didn't know how he was going to focus during classes today. "I have a few finals."
Sebastian groaned. "At least lets get some coffee in you." He eyed the notebook in front of Kurt with some disgust. He obviously hadn't read it through or heard the other two out. "Maybe we can either soak it in coffee too or burn it."
"It's ok." Kurt said again, picking the book up and holding it against his chest. It was documented proof of their love for each other. "I think I might keep it."
Sebastian made a sound of disbelief but his words belied his attitude. "Whatever you want."
"What I want, is you." Kurt stood with Sebastian and hugged himself in to Sebastian's side. "Always you."
Sebastian lifted a brow. "Are we both really tired and it just sounds more intimate or are you coming on to me?"
"Maybe we'll have to revisit what I said last week." Kurt wasn't exactly thinking sex when he'd said what he had to Sebastian but now that Sebastian pointed it out, he could talk to him about that too. Kurt had hesitated in self-protection yet again but this time it was with sex rather than saying I love you. Now, he wanted to do both, at the same time and again and again and again.
"Hmm... not yet." Sebastian tugged him toward the door, arm around Kurt's shoulders, pointedly ignoring the two in the room. He squeezed Nick's shoulder in thanks as they left, Nick following leisurely behind, closing the door on the other two with a smirk. They'd let them out in a half hour or so. "I'm kind of liking this new thing. I badly want to have sex with you but this is a totally new experience for me. I'm kind of relishing the change. I'm kind of looking forward to the dropping you off at home with only a kiss because dad's watching."
Until now, Sebastian could get a guy in bed in under 3 meetings when that was his goal. Usually it only took one but some liked to put up a token resistance but had made it clear from day one that their goals aligned with Sebastian's.
Sebastian and Kurt's goals aligned in this too. The way they went about it might be a little different and each of them might fluctuate from one day to the next. The brown leather book was warm in Kurt's hands and reminded him that these halls weren't exactly sound proof. "Right, right, best not to do that in here again." Kurt laid his head against Sebastian's shoulder. He knew they were going to have to discuss the book and Kurt's reaction and... Kurt would have to come clean about his uncertainty of Sebastian prior to the book discussion.
Kurt was not looking forward to this discussion but knew it was important. They would have to discuss it and Sebastian was likely to be unhappy and it might strain their relationship for awhile. He didn't think it would break them up, not after everything they'd gone through.
How was it that he couldn't see again what was right in front of him? He should have known better. Should have just trusted.
Sebastian didn't broach the topic all day, he made sure Kurt ate and put him to bed. He didn't bring it up on Tuesday either. He did kind of just watch Kurt, not in a creepy way but just kind of observed him as if looking for something. Kurt wondered if Sebastian wanted him to bring it up first.
Kurt wasn't sure how to go about that... 'Hey, so I know you said you loved me but I didn't believe it until Wevid's creepy book showed me you did? Let's discuss.' Yeah that wouldn't go over well at all.
Sebastian took him off campus for a date on Wednesday, it was his turn to choose the outing and pay for it. Kurt never knew what to expect with Sebastian and when he brought a picnic basket and some blankets out to the car, Kurt was a bit surprised by the low-key nature of it. Yes, Sebastian had done so in the past when he just hung with the ND and Kurt's family but nothing that low-key before.
Kurt was about to make a suggestion on where they could set up when Sebastian guided him to the lake and a few of the boats mooring there. "Get in." Sebastian gestured to one that was basically a simple fishing boat with the middle benches missing. There were a few pillows and an umbrella already in it. Kurt got in with Sebastian's help and he sat on one of the remaining seats and helped load the boat with Sebastian's goodies.
Kurt had never been a water-bug, never had that desire. He knew how to swim, his father made sure of it once a year but he definitely wouldn't say even then he was a strong swimmer. His dad just wanted to make sure he had the basics in case he ever fell into a lake or river or through the ice. All of those were far-fetched notions and the only time he'd ever needed to swim was when school made him either during a field-trip or during the swimming portion of gym.
He wasn't exactly at ease when Sebastian pushed away from the dock and rowed them out to the center of the lake. Sebastian didn't say much, just told them they were going out and to dress for the outdoors. He didn't say much since they arrived either, moving the oars to their resting place and then started setting up for a relaxing time in the center of the boat. Kurt helped him as best he could, laying out the blankets, moving the pillows. He reached for the picnic basket but Sebastian caught his hands gently with his. "Not yet."
Sebastian then reached for the umbrella and moved it so half of the space between the seats would have shade coverage. Kurt had put sunscreen on before they left, knowing any 'outdoor' activity would require it. The shade would offer some relief but wouldn't completely protect him and his incredibly pale skin throughout the year, no matter how much sun exposure he got.
Sebastian gestured for Kurt to move into the shade and Kurt was surprised when Sebastian joined him, wrapping an arm around his waist. He also moved the picnic basket into the shade with them. Kurt settled into his embrace, head resting on Sebastian's shoulder, body curled in toward his and looking in his direction. "This is nice." Kurt had expected it to be too warm but it was late spring and it was 10 degrees cooler on the lake.
"Mm-hmm." Sebastian agreed and he seemed somewhat sleepy and didn't have much to say. He just reached in to the picnic basket and pulled out a water for each of them and some nuts and cheese, all bite sized. They nibbled on the food for a little while.
Kurt was almost nodding off between the comfort of Sebastian's embrace and the gentle lull off the lake, seemingly calm but a slight rocking motion nonetheless. The same could probably be said of Kurt and Sebastian too.
Sebastian's voice was low and calm and Kurt nearly missed it. "So... about the notebook..."
Kurt lifted his head but Sebastian just guided it back to his shoulder. "Yeah, the notebook..." Kurt sighed, having known this was inevitable but had been hoping it would be something Sebastian would forget rather than bring up.
"I haven't read what's inside. They told me vaguely what it was." Sebastian began. "I set them straight about trying to keep a tally on our personal life from now on. If I even suspect it, they're going to be hanging by their thumbnails on the flag pole without pants."
"That is a very daunting threat. Especially as they're graduating this year." Kurt's tone couldn't hide the amusement even though he knew it was a serious situation and conversation they were having.
"Mm-hmm... I'll go to California and Boston if I have to." Sebastian elaborated and Kurt was glad to know that Sebastian still viewed them as having a personal life in the future. "How are you doing with whatever they put in there?"
"It wasn't as bad as I thought. I mean there was some very inappropriate stuff they'd remarked on, wrote down what was said and things they overheard/witnessed and didn't just try to block out but rather kept a running notation on it. You can read through it if you want."
"I might." Sebastian agreed, though he wasn't in a hurry to do so. "You're good then? It didn't upset you or make you doubt us? I know they put it together as if Blaine and I were competing in every way for you."
"And if I hadn't believed you when you told me it wasn't true before I saw the notebook, then it would be a lot harder to swallow now, even after they explained themselves. Except I would have believed you eventually, I wanted to and I still want to and so I do. That scared me though, it was directly opposed to what Blaine had said, the things he'd pointed out as rewards, the way the notebook was set up. Even some of the things you flung at me in anger. It all was pointing toward the truth being a lie and the lie being the truth.
I had only a few of your very good friends defending your position and not much else. Except for a feeling, a feeling that I had through it all and my own brain. My own brain and feelings had deceived me before but I knew without a doubt that I loved you, even when I sent those feelings through a ringer, questioning it, testing it, it was true and complete and something I had never experienced before. What I didn't know was how it was that you could possibly love me. Others had tried explaining, had tried to tell me why it was that I couldn't believe it, why I should believe it. I just couldn't. It was hard to see myself as someone who could be loved and especially by you and all that I had done to you."
"This all sounds like it was in past tense." Sebastian shifted slightly so he could look down to Kurt a little easier and Kurt lifted his head to look up at Sebastian in turn.
"I no longer doubt it." Kurt nodded in agreement. "My love for you though is never going to be just past tense, it's all the tenses."
Sebastian kissed the top of his head and snuggled in a bit more. "I'm not worried or upset. We promised each other ten minutes at a time but I already know what the next ten minutes is going to bring. I know what every ten minutes after that for eternity will be, what I will choose."
"Are you sure of my choices too?" Kurt wondered, knowing what he would choose too.
"Never, you're constantly surprising me but I do believe and trust that you love me." Sebastian rubbed Kurt's arm. "I like that you astound me."
"What happens when I stop? What happens when I just become old news?" He supposed this is really what he was worried about. Sebastian had never been with one guy for very long and he'd been with Kurt for nearly 2 years. Wouldn't he get bored eventually? It might have been anger motivating him to flirt with that other guy but it had brought it all home to Kurt. He was concerned that love wouldn't be enough.
Sebastian breathed in deeply and let it out incredibly slowly. "If that ever happens, then I'm dead."
"Don't joke." Kurt huffed and tried to move away from Sebastian, thinking he was falling back into that pattern of behavior that he'd been in when they first got back together. Sebastian had a tendency to act out when he was confronted with a big change, good or bad. It would be just like Sebastian to joke that if he did break up with Kurt again, there were a lot of guys who would willingly kill him.
Sebastian tugged Kurt back into his arms gently. "I'm not. Listen." Kurt was stiff at first but then he relaxed back into Sebastian's arms. "We could become an old married couple who does the same thing day in and out, work boring jobs and have ordinary concerns and I'd still find you interesting. Ok?"
"Yes, ok." Kurt laid against Sebastian for a long moment before he felt a rumble. "What?" Kurt looked back at Sebastian's laughing face.
"You're precious." Sebastian bent forward and stole a quick kiss from Kurt.
Kurt smiled cheekily. "Oh, were you waiting for me to say the same thing in response? That you'd never bore me?"
"Might have been nice." Sebastian teased. "But my ego's big enough not to need it."
Kurt turned so he could straddle Sebastian's legs and bent over him so they were practically nose to nose. "I could never get bored of you either, even if all you can do is smirk at me, I know there's a whole lot more going on up here." He tapped Sebastian's forehead. "This brain is so vast, so amazing." He bent forward and pressed his lips to Sebastian's once. "I love you and I find you utterly fascinating." Twice. "It doesn't hurt you're sinfully attractive." Thrice.
Sebastian laughed and tipped Kurt carefully backward so Kurt's head was on a pillow and Sebastian hovered over him. He didn't touch Kurt, just hovered above him. "You're a tease but I love the chase, so I can't complain."
"Even though you've already had me?"
Sebastian gave a half-smile, it was a bit bittersweet. "It'll never be enough. I'll always want you and want more of you and it'll never end." Sebastian adjusted himself so his elbows were by Kurt's shoulders. "But I can wait. I want to wait until we're both ready this time."
"I don't regret sleeping with you when I did and how I did. I might regret a lot of other choices I've made in the time I've known you, but I'll never regret that." Kurt reached up and cupped Sebastian's cheek. "Is that why you think I'm holding off from having sex this time?"
"No... well maybe yes, but I agree, sex can wait. I'm having fun just being with you." Sebastian gave a small laugh. "At some point in our lives, sex will be near impossible to do, we'll have to live with each other then without it too. Might as well get some practice in now."
Kurt shook his head while laughing. "We'd have to be very old and both bound to wheelchairs. Even then we'd probably make it work."
Sebastian turned his head to kiss the wrist of the arm at his cheek and then looked down at Kurt again. "I'm not going to ask you to do it, but will you tell me what turned you off from receiving? You seemed to enjoy it when we were together."
"I- I had a couple of less than pleasant experiences." Kurt answered. "I would rather not get into it. It's just off the table."
Sebastian nodded, he got what Kurt wasn't telling him, he was reading between the lines. "Again, that's not an issue for me." Sebastian pressed a kiss to Kurt's forehead. "I just wanted to be there for you and be here if you need to tell me anything or want to talk about it."
"I'm ok." Kurt answered. "It wasn't intentional and it wasn't that bad. It just turned me off of it, that's all."
It had to be pretty bad to turn him off of it, Sebastian thought, but didn't press. He respected Kurt's wishes and he wouldn't go after Blaine. Blaine had been MIA from the Warblers' table since his talk with Sebastian and being kneed by Kurt. He had friends outside the Glee team and so he just sat with them these days. He still attended the Glee meetings but they were nearly over with and far less often than during the year.
Sebastian turned and curled into Kurt's side this time, resting his head on Kurt''s shoulder. "I'll always be right here for you."
"Me too." Kurt laced their fingers together. His stomach growled and he laughed. "Did you bring actual food or just the nuts and cheese?"
"Don't knock it, that stuff was tasty and filling." Sebastian reached for the basket and pulled out some meat and crackers. "Nothing in here that's extra hearty but good and tasty nonetheless." He also pulled out a bottle of faux wine and two plastic glasses. It was too soon to go for the harder stuff or real wine. Kurt made an approving sound and they munched, chatted and just enjoyed the day out in the lake.
Sebastian rowed them back before it got dark. Kurt was glad things had been talked out between them. The future wasn't foretold but he found it promising.