32: Haunted

Late October had wrapped Lawndale in a blanket of low clouds, fallen leaves, and distant wood smoke. Now that night had fallen it had grown chilly; Daria pulled her heavy gray cardigan more tightly around her shoulders and slipped her hands into its pockets. She breathed in the crisp fall air and looked up at the ghostly moon. Tomorrow she would be married to her favorite person in the whole autumn world.

"Hey, babe?" Jane was patiently waiting for her distracted fiancée to catch up with the line to the haunted house, which had wound its way past several more tombstones while Daria was lost in a fall reverie.

As she crunched through the makeshift graveyard to catch up with their small bachelorette party, Daria heard Brittany's familiar squeak up ahead. "The haunted house is in the old eleMENtary school because Superintendent Li is having a FUNDraiser."

Jodie, who would be Brittany's date tomorrow since both of their significant others were unavailable, responded with, "But they haven't used this building in a few years. Why are they having a fundraiser?"

Brittany knitted her brows. "I GUEss because it's going to be made into CONdos, but first they need to get rid of the bats." The rest of the group exchanged uneasy looks. "Don't worry, they're only in the ATTic."

As they shuffled forward a few more steps, Daria noticed Quinn and Trent speaking in hushed tones beneath an orange-lit tree. Following her gaze, Jane leaned in and explained, "Trent is probably filling her in on Kay's latest jack-assery." Daria gave her a questioning look. "Oh, right—you were talking Helen down off a ledge because of the catering. Basically, Kay won't drop the DNA thing and the guys are getting really pissed. She asked if they'd like those tubes you spit in for Christmas."

An expression of mild bewilderment crossed Daria's face, followed by a chill. "Maybe they should just brand the kid with the Sloane name, like a heifer. I hear they're doing some cute things with toddler ear-tags this season."

Jane gave her a wry smile. "Yeah. Madeleine is almost two and looking more like Trent every day. What will Kay and Angier tell their country club friends if she chooses doing whip-its in a beat-up van over playing lacrosse?"

Before Daria could reply, they were interrupted by a blood-curdling scream. They had almost reached the open front doors of the school and found themselves beneath cobweb-strewn trees with green light creeping toward their feet.

Jodie suddenly materialized beside them, rubbing her arms to keep warm as she stepped out from behind a tree. "Those have to be the least realistic spiders I have ever seen."

Daria smirked. "You're a lawyer now. Can we sue them for insulting our intelligence?"

Jane chimed in, "Their unnecessary sparkles have caused me great pain and suffering."

Jodie appeared thoughtful. "Hmm, my area of practice is more about environmental law and less about sad haunted houses."

Daria nodded sagely. "A missed opportunity, then."

When they reached the ticket table, two perky cheerleaders none of them recognized took their money. As they walked through the doors and into the green light, Brittany remarked, "Why are they wearing their UNiforms? It's not like there's a game." Jodie and Daria exchanged dumbfounded looks as they approached a hand-lettered sign—painted to look like dripping blood—that directed them to the first door on their left. They followed the trail of faux blood splatters into the classroom.

Fog drifted across the old, scuffed tiles as they made their way through a forest of stick trees that Daria remembered from an unlicensed stage production set somewhere vaguely resembling Narnia. The sound of distant moans punctuated by an occasional shriek floated from a hidden speaker. Jane nudged Daria and gestured toward a brightly colored poster featuring an owl sharing its toys with a hamster. "It would have been scarier if they took that down."

Daria nodded. "Or switched to the 'Owl and Rodent Play-Time: Five Minutes In' series."

Their group followed the path as it veered right through the bare branches. They heard her before they saw her, the soft tap and scrape of chalk drawing their attention to the front of the dim classroom where a hooded feminine shape stood at the board. Their little group had gotten within a few yards of the figure when suddenly it wheeled around, cloak flying outward, and threw its hood back from its face. They beheld a neat black bob and the white-painted face of Ms. Li, who let a small "Oh!" escape her lips. She quickly put on a dramatic tone and said, "Welcome, doomed visitors! Tonight you will be tormented by ghostly beings who know exactly what you've done." Daria could swear she was looking at Trent when she said it. "Go, go! There will be no rest." With that, Ms. Li suddenly broke character with a smile. "Girls, it's been such a long time! I hear you're a lawyer now, Jodie. Congratulations."

Jodie mustered a small smile. "Thanks, Ms. Li."

"Please. Call me Angela." Daria saw Jane raise her brows ever so slightly. Ms. Li went on, "Well, it's been nice to see you girls." She abandoned her sugary vote-for-me tone and deadpanned, "And Trent."

As they made their way out the door and resumed following the blood splatters, Jane nudged her brother with a twinkle in her eye. "What was that about?"

Trent appeared to think for a moment. "It might have had something to do with the turkey incident." They all turned to look at him, which seemed to make Trent nervous. He cleared his throat. "It was . . . pretty weird."

Before they could delve deeper into this intriguing and potentially gross subject, the blood trail delivered them at the entrance to the cafeteria. They walked under a banner reading "CANNIBAL KITCHEN SPONSORED BY ROUTE 70 PETTING ZOO" and were bathed in a blue light that made the severed limbs on the long tables seem to drip with pooling black blood. They could hear a steady chopping coming from the dark recesses of the lunch room. It grew louder as they walked between the tables, following the blood trail all the way to the serving window.

Chop. "GIRLS." Chop, chop.

Suddenly, Brittany squeaked, "Oh! Mr. DeMarTINo!"

He cocked an eyebrow at her beneath his gore-smeared chef's hat. "Very good, Brittany." His gaze traveled over the former students in front of him, stopping at Trent. He narrowed his eyes and practically spat, "And TRENT. I'm surprised you showed UP here."

Trent raised his head and removed one hand from his pocket, making a little beseeching gesture as he said, "I don't know if I ever told you I was sorry about . . . the turkey thing. But . . . I am."

Mr. DeMartino's face twisted into a scowl. "Tim O'Neill slipped in TURkey shit and fell down the STAIRS."

Quinn, who had been bringing up the rear with Trent, very slowly turned her head to look at him with wide eyes. Trent raised his hands in front of his chest and replied, "I know, okay? We didn't realize the turkey was sick."

Chop. "Fine." He turned his attention to Daria and Jane. "Anyway, I hear congratuLATions are in order."

Daria uncrossed her arms and gave a small nod. "Thanks, tomorrow is the big day."

Chop. Mr. DeMartino continued more quietly. "Well, I'm very happy for you girls." Chop. Then he resumed his deranged chef act (which didn't seem to be much of a stretch) and yelled, "Now, OUT! Before I put you in my STEW pot!"

They hurried back to the hallway and continued their haunted tour. Over the next twenty minutes, they encountered a variety of chainsaw enthusiasts and broken dolls as they made their way through the old school. When they were finally slipping out the back doors of the gym—temporarily a morgue full of zombies—and into the cool night air, Daria remarked, "Well, that was hokey and disturbing by turns. Just like high school."

Jodie laughed. "Hey, I was meaning to ask. I didn't recognize the address on your wedding invitation. Where exactly is the venue?"

Jane crunched through a small pile of leaves and replied, "That's kind of a funny story. So, my mom knows this lady who owns a big place out in the sticks." She paused to fish her keys out of her pocket. "It used to be a convent, and then it was a commune. And now they rent it out for séances, adult slumber parties, the occasional cult meeting . . ."

Daria helped her finish. "And weddings."

Silence hung in the still air as they stood in the parking lot. Brittany giggled. "Gee, Daria. Your new mother-in-law has some INteresting connections."

Daria took Jane's hand. "Yeah, she does." She tilted her head a bit to one side as though deep in thought. "And if we ever want to start a cult, our first meeting is free."