*The opinions expressed by the characters in this story do not necessarily reflect those of the author. All dialogues, portrayals, and interactions are intended for satirical purposes only. Do not attempt any of the actions portrayed in this story without first consulting a real expert on romance. The author is not responsible for any undesired relationship experiences or outcomes resulting from imitating this story. The author will however claim responsibility for any induced fits of uncontrollable laughter, and hereby agrees to issue a public apology should any hospitalizations occur as a result. However, no monetary compensation will actually be granted for any personal injuries or accidents related thereto.

In Praise of Shipping

"EWW! This is so gross!" Isabella contorted her face in disgust. "I somehow feel like my entire existence is being made into a mockery right now!" The mating ritual of the Ursaids continued atop the Zawarudo Tree, a cacophony of flatulence breaking all around them like the waves of a hurricane. "I don't care what species you are, farting isn't romantic! It can't be! I refuse to accept this!"

"Think of it as the Ursaids' mating call," suggested Gulliver. "It can't be helped; it's how they exchange pheromones."

"They have already selected their mates! They don't need to exchange pheromones anymore!"

"These are a different type of pheromone. Not meant for finding mates, but for instigating arousal. It's how they get in the mood to make love! Let's see, I believe it was Gibbous, et al., who coined the term 'farting foreplay.'"

No matter how Gulliver tried to spin it, Isabella hated everything about it. She closed her eyes and squoze her hands against her ears with the force of a hydraulic press. "Lalalalala I'm not listening!"

From the sidelines, Phineas failed to stifle a chuckle. "Although this reminds me of what Inflatable Ferb sounds like. And the real Ferb, for that matter. I wonder what he's doing right now?"

Without warning, a ruby red streak shot out of the dark and alighted beside them. Isabella tensely looked up when she sensed movement. Roxanne, the space harpy, wiped some sweat from her brow before turning to shout and wave at something overhead in the darkening sky.

"Hey! This way! I found them over here!"

Phineas and Isabella curiously turned to see who she was beckoning to. A dark shadow emerged and expanded into view above them, taking the shape of a hang glider. Two tall shapes dropped down to land nearby.

Isabella took a step back when she saw their outlines. "Run, Phineas! It's those two space pirates! They found us!"

Before he could react, the figures stepped into the light, and they immediately recognized their faces. Phineas broke into a wide grin.

"Ferb! Vanessa! What are you guys doing here?"

My name is Starshadow. I am the leader of the Zyxuga, yet I find myself currently going through a period of comedic stagnation. My sense of humor seems like it has been in a rut lately, so I am practicing some new ideas for material in front of my mirror.

"My embers shall emblaze―no, no. That's no good. Ahem. My blazing embers shall burn all to ash―no, shall burn all to a crisp!" Yes, that's better. And how does this pose look? If I raise my arm just a little higher… "The chrysalis of my soul refuses to shatter! Yes, that's good! And hold my fingers out just like that…"

It would be embarrassing for one of my subordinates to see me practicing like this, so I only do it alone in my private office. I got this new mirror recently just for practicing my comedy act, after all.

"Nightshade darker than dark, mists blacker than black! I call upon thee to release my hidden inner powers! Heed my beck and call, and command the strings of the universe!"

Fwipping my cape around like this feels goofy, but the effect really maximizes the performance. I can't help but imagine an audience rolling with laughter at my feet while I speak my lines on a stage. Yes, I'm really nailing the act now! If I can say these lines just like this in front of some of my underlings, they will surely roar with laughter, and all this practice will pay off!

I hope.

There was a sudden knock at my door. My men know I am not to be disturbed unless there is an emergency, so this can only mean something has gone wrong. I know all too well how heavy the burden of bearing bad news to the boss can be, so whoever knocked on my door is probably terrified of what I'll say when I respond. That being the case, maybe I can at least lighten their mood with a joke so that they can rest assured that I am not going to get angry.

I opened the door carefully. As I had guessed, the messenger had a worried look on his face. I huffed and struck the pose I had been practicing. "To impose on the private time of the Gleith Lord of Crime, you must have a very good reason. Tell me, what ill news do you bring at this hour? Though it be grave, the chrysalis of my soul refuses to shatter!"

Nailed it!―huh?

The messenger didn't even crack a smile. "Boss," he said, hiding his face, "a situation has come up. Orctoe has been taken by the Gershyu!"

Ah yes, the Gershyu, a rival mafia clan on Gleith that is always at odds with the Zyxuga. Our turf wars have gone on for as long as I can remember. But I can't help but wonder…

Who is Orctoe?

He must be one of my men. The Zyxuga is a large criminal organization, and I can't be expected to know the names of all my underlings. Plus, with a name like 'Orctoe,' you just know that only a criminal would operate under a pseudonym like that. I mean, really? Orctoe? What a stupid name! That's what you decided to go with? Still, dumb names aside, if the Gershyu have taken one of our men, it's tantamount to asking for a fight.

"I see," I simply said. "Did they leave a ransom note or anything?"

The messenger handed me the slip of paper. I quickly glanced at its demands and proposed meeting spot. The time of the exchange was less than an hour away.

D*mn those Gershyu punks! It's causing crises like these that make my subordinates so hardened I can never get through to them with my comedy. How am I supposed to make my underlings laugh when they're worried sick about their captured confrere?

"It's seems we have to choice but to confront them directly," I said, tossing the note aside. "My blazing embers―!"

"The boss is gonna come help us fight the Gershyu!" The messenger's face lit up as he turned and shouted to his buddies.

D*mn it, he cut me off before I could deliver my line!

"The boss is coming? Ah, sweet! Now we can't lose!"

"We're gonna burn those guys to a crisp!"

"Yeah! Whoo!" Everyone cheered and smiled at the guy who said that.

He stole my line! I was going to say that, about burning them to a crisp! And he made everyone smile and cheer! No fair, that comedy thief!

My name is Starshadow. Before I knew it, we somehow ended up downstairs in the lounge where everyone in the gang was congregating, riling themselves up for the fight with the Gershyu clan.

"The Gershyu have Orctoe?! Those bass turds!"

"Those fish droppings!"

"Those illegitimate male children!"

Using homonyms to avoid the appearance of cursing? That's not a bad joke. I don't know who said what, but I can't tell whether their joke was a stroke of genius or if they were just so dumb that they actually didn't know what the word b*stard means.

"Orctoe is our comrade in arms who has been through many arduous adventures with us! We have to rescue him!"

"Yeah!"

Well, nobody laughed, they all just kept on going with their little pep rally, so either nobody in this room besides me noticed the wordplay, or someone in this room besides me understands how difficult it is to get a bunch of hardened criminals to laugh at a decently thought-out joke.

"Let's give those Gershyu sissies a stomping they won't soon forget!"

"It's high time we taught them a lesson about who the real space mafia is!"

No, maybe it's because I work with a bunch of illiterate criminals that they don't laugh at my jokes―maybe it's because they don't understand them! That adds up. I just need to bring my comedy down to the level of these neanderthals, and they should crack right up! All right, think, Starshadow! What is something so stupid that everyone here would laugh at it?

"I bet Orctoe is so sad that he missed tonight's episode of his favorite show, how tragic…"

"That's right, we all know how much he loves―"

"THE GOOBIEST GOOBY!" I shouted with the worst timing possible.

The roaring din screeched to a halt. "Even the boss knows Orcatoe's favorite show?" someone muttered.

"To know such minor details about our lives―he really does care about us!"

"Ah, we love you, boss!"

"You're the best leader in the whole galaxy!"

My name is Starshadow. This was supposed to be my moment to get everyone to laugh. Shouting random words with completely no context is the most basic level of comedy there is. Ironically, that's The Goobiest Gooby's entire schtick. And pathetically, attempting such a low watermark in humor has somehow resulted in my subordinates crying tears of fealty and devotion instead of laughter.

"So the two of you have been traveling all across the galaxy searching for us?"

Ferb and Vanessa nodded in unison. "Ferb was so worried about you, he didn't eat for days. When we finally caught up to you on Gleith and learned you were both safe, he almost single-handedly ate a local diner out of business," Vanessa expounded. "We tried to negotiate for your early release from that wildlife preserve school or whatever, but in the end, we had to come looking for you out here in the wild."

"Oho! What have we here?" Gulliver butted in, eagerly adjusting his glasses for a better look. "Is this my lucky day? Unless I am very much mistaken, you look like a couple of humans who have paired off as well, just like Phineas and Isabella here."

Phineas cheerfully turned to introduce them. "Gulliver, this is my brother Ferb and his girlfriend, Vanessa. Ferb and 'Nessa, this is Gulliver. He has been helping us get back home."

"'Helping,'" Isabella flatly expressed while making air-quote hand gestures.

"Hey, so, about that reward you promised," Roxanne said, pressing the folds of her wings together like they were the pads of her fingertips.

Ferb quickly extracted a wad of bills and offered them to the space harpy.

"Thanks! Now I can finally afford some more lemons!" With a flap of her wings, she lifted off and quickly vanished into the darkening night.

Vanessa glanced around to take in her surroundings. "Say, what are all these panda bears―?"

"They are not panda bears, they are Ursaids," Gulliver hastily corrected. "And we have just witnessed the beginning of their mating season. Having all exchanged pheromones, each pairing should now be really in the mood for love." He pulled a notebook and writing utensil from his backpack and sat back in anticipation. "We're just getting to the good part!"

Indeed, it had become noticeably quieter. The mood was shifting, and it looked like all the Ursaid pairings were starting to become very cozy with each other.

Isabella's face fell. "Eh? You mean, they're about to―?" Her eyes darted around frantically. "Ferb, Vanessa, how close is your spaceship? Can we go home now? Something is about to happen that I really do not want to see!"

"It's back in the population district," Vanessa said. "We weren't allowed to bring any motorized vehicles out here to the forest district."

"You mean you're leaving already?" Gulliver asked, taken aback. "The Ursaid mating ritual lasts all night. You're going to miss the whole show!"

"I don't want to see a bunch of anthropomorphic bears having―mating!" squeaked Isabella.

"Why not?" Gulliver appeared to almost be insulted. "Do you not care about furthering scientific knowledge?"

"This isn't about scientific knowledge! It's about privacy!"

Gulliver stroked his chin. "Oh, that's right, I forgot you humans were shy about reproducing so openly. Well, fear not, the Ursaids won't mind! So long as we don't bother or interrupt them, they don't seem to mind openly displaying their mating behaviors for us to study. After all, researchers have been documenting and witnessing their mating seasons for generations!"

"What's got you feeling so squeamish, Isabella?" Vanessa raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Are you afraid of saying the word 'sex?'"

"Eh?" Isabella flushed red. "N-no, I just―"

"Sex!" Vanessa butted in.

"Eep!" Isabella jumped back a little.

"Sex!"

"Stop it, Vanessa!"

"Sexy sex!" Vanessa chuckled as Isabella bristled. "Chillax! It's cool if you're still virgins. We won't make fun of you for it. Right, Ferbs?" She casually swung her arm around Ferb's shoulders.

Isabella's face turned a shade redder, and her eyes expanded in disbelief. "Are you―are you saying―the two of you―?"

Vanessa grinned suggestively and waggled her eyebrows. Ferb, on the other hand, shook his head adamantly, denying any and all implications.

"Aw, c'mon, Ferbs, I almost had her going there…" Vanessa cupped Ferb's cheek and pulled his face in close to hers. "Couldn't you play along just a little?" He didn't show the slightest hint of reaction.

"That's not funny!" Isabella declared. "You shouldn't joke like that!"

By contrast, Gulliver's interest was piqued. "Ferb and Vanessa, was it? Hmm. My expertise in alien behavior is telling me that the pair of you are in an even more advanced stage of courtship than Phineas and Isabella are. If that is true, can you tell me, in humans, what is the next phase of a mating relationship after a couple has progressed to the 'kissing' stage?" He held a pen and paper in hand expectantly, ready to take notes.

"Don't answer him, Vanessa." Isabella defensively raised an arm. "If he makes you his research subjects, he won't stop stalking you."

"Oh?" Vanessa raised her eyebrows. "But I like talking about this kind of stuff."

"Uh, guys?" Phineas interrupted. "As happy as Isabella and I are that you came to rescue us, we want to get back home as soon as possible."

A rush of gratitude overcame Isabella. "Phineas!" she beamed. "He's right! If we stick around here much longer, the Ursaids are going to start doing unspeakable things right before our eyes!"

"You mean having sex?" Vanessa smirked.

"Eep!" Isabella jumped. "Stop saying that word!"

"Why? It's not like it's dirty or anything."

"She's right!" added Gulliver. "It is a beautiful and fundamental part of life! Just imagine! For you to even exist right now, every single one of your ancestors must have experienced it at some point in their lives!"

"I don't want to imagine that!"

As soon as she said that, Isabella heard a noise. Terrified of what she thought she was about to see yet wholly unable to resist her curiosity, she slowly turned around and took in the scene.

The vast expanse of the top of the Zawarudo Tree was dotted with pairs of Ursaids conjoined together, consumed with passion as they performed the miracle of life. The Ursaids were scattered every couple feet, unashamed as they openly and freely did the deed atop the Zawarudo Tree with their life partner.

"The time for the Ursaids' new generation to be conceived has finally come," Gulliver reverently stated.

"Eek!" In a cartoonish puff of cloud, Isabella vanished from their presence. Running back at top speed for the entrance to the tree's interior, the pink bow atop her head was bent over against the wind. "Clean thoughts! Clean thoughts!" To Isabella's bleary eyes, the images of the Ursaids were blurred out just enough that she couldn't actually see anything.

Perhaps because of her limited vision, she didn't notice the persons blocking the entrance until she bumped into them, knocking her back on her keester.

"Ow ow ow," Isabella muttered, wincing as she rubbed her backside. Looking up, an all too familiar face swam into view.

"It was―Isabella, wasn't it?" the strawberry-haired bombshell asked, bending down to give her a hand. "Are you alright?"

The five other Yandarian sisters stepped out into the evening air and looked at Isabella in surprise.

"This is just like the first time we met, huh? You lying on the ground, I mean."

"If she is here, that means Phineas can't be far!"

"And then I can finally be married to my Prince!"

The chatty sisters talked amongst themselves, giving Isabella time to process this dangerous turn of events. It would be nigh impossible to protect Phineas from them once they caught wind of him, but if she could distract them for long enough, there was a chance Ferb and Vanessa could help him escape unseen―

"Isabella! You shouldn't run off like that! We almost lost track of you in the darkness!" Phineas exclaimed, leading the way as the others ran to catch up.

"Phineas!" x6

Isabella clicked her tongue as the Yandarians rushed to her boyfriend, abandoning her like a discarded item of garbage. Now that she thought about it, Ferb and Vanessa couldn't possibly know what kind of threat the Yandarians posed either, so there was nothing she could have done to signal them to avoid the danger anyways.

In an instant, Phineas found himself at the bottom of a dogpile of Yandarian affection.

"Phineas darling! How I missed you!"

"It feels like an eternity since I last saw you, honey!"

"Sweetheart, I won't let you out of my sight again, ever!"

"Do you have any idea how much trouble you caused us, my love?"

"Don't you understand? We were supposed to be married and on our honeymoon right now!"

"It's not like I worried that much about you or anything, idiot!"

Ferb and Vanessa looked on in utter perplexity. Isabella got to her feet and, sighing audibly, explained, "It's a long story."

"Let me guess," Vanessa surmised. "The rising generation of Yandarian princesses ended up picking Phineas to be their future king and husband. Sounds like you have been busy this past week."

Isabella blinked in amazement. "...What have you two been up to this past week?"

"It's a long story," Vanessa returned.

"Could you all get off me, please?" Phineas spoke up over the din. "Isabella! Save me!"

"You really are helpless sometimes," Isabella sighed again. "Hey, Princesses! You heard the man! Give him some space!"

Isabella was met with six death stares in response.

"Know your place, concubine!" Cassie glared.

"Just because you were bestowed with honorary Yandarian citizenship and granted the right to be his concubine doesn't mean you get an equal share of Phineas with us!" added Galexia.

"Yeah! If anything, you only get him a tenth of the time with him that we get!" Stella warned.

"And you should count yourself lucky we're willing to give you that much!" contributed Luna.

"Concubine!?" Vanessa covered her mouth to hide her snicker. "You're really moving up in the galaxy, Isabella!"

Isabella growled in frustration. "Oh yeah?! Well―gasp! Look! A bunch of Ursaids having s―!" She suddenly shouted, making a face and pointing behind the Yandarians.

"What's 's―?'" Phoebe asked, turning to look. "Eep!" She suddenly squeaked and flushed upon learning the answer to her question.

"Hey, don't fall for that! That's gotta be the oldest trick in the―eek!"

"What is up with you two? Don't tell me there's actually a bunch of Ursaids having 's―' right behind us. What does that even mean, any―eey!?"

"Having 's―?' Having―seconds? Having―slept? Having―eeh?"

"Hey, why don't we all turn around one by one and fall for her distraction like a bunch of morons―huh?"

"Don't look, Luna! You're too young to see this!"

"Cassie, stop covering my eyes! I want to see what 's―' means, too!"

Isabella grabbed Phineas by the wrist and pulled him toward the path back down the Zawarudo Tree. "C'mon! Run!" With that, Phineas, Ferb, Vanessa and she all beat a hasty escape and plunged into the intertwining branches beneath the canopy top.

"Look at the way those bears' bodies are moving!" Galexia stared.

"Is this what all animals do in order to make babies?"

"I knew that whole bit about loving each other very much and waiting for a stork was rubbish."

"I wanna see! I wanna see!"

"I told you, Luna, you're too young!"

"Wah! You're so mean, Cassie!"

Despite it being night, the branches of the Zawarudo Tree emitted a faint natural bioluminescence, allowing the group to see clearly where they were going. It was still like a maze down here, but getting lost was preferable to being caught by the Yandarians, Isabella rationalized. She chose pathways that seemed to take them deeper into the tree the fastest, figuring that no matter what path they took, if they decreased their elevation enough, they would eventually reach the treehouse village and make it to the path back down the trunk from there.

"That was brilliant back there, Isabella!" Phineas exclaimed as they ran.

"Thanks! Do you think we lost them?" She glanced over her shoulder.

"I don't see any of them following!"

"Just keep running!" Vanessa urged from behind them.

Ferb quietly nodded his agreement with that plan.

Not even the most elite athletes can maintain an all-out sprint for much longer than a minute. It wasn't long before they were all gasping for breath, jogging at a moderate pace due to the quick onset of fatigue.

"Just―keep―going!" Isabella panted. "Don't―stop!"

Everyone else was too tired to even say anything in response.

"Is this the fastest you humans can go?"

Isabella almost fell over the side of the branch when Cassie appeared next to her, jogging comfortably alongside. Without her even noticing, the rest of the Yandarians had already caught up as well, keeping pace together like a group of marathon runners. What was more, they clearly weren't even the least bit tired. "That is so not fair," she complained.

"Here, if you want to go faster, just hang on!" Cassie whooped, before picking up Phineas bridal-carry style and jumping to a branch twenty feet down.

Isabella didn't have time to form a response, for she was picked up the same way by Phoebe and carried from bough to bough as the Yandarians sprang nimbly through the twisty branches.

"Huh? You're bringing me too?"

"Well, sure! After all, you're still an honorary Yandarian citizen. And concubine."

"I am simultaneously both grateful and offended."

Isabella glanced back, and the other Yandarians were easily keeping up. None of them had bothered to grab Ferb and Vanessa, as she had feared. They were split up again.

Vanessa and Ferb stared down into the void below them, watching their friends get carried away.

"That sucks," Vanessa said.

Ferb glanced from side to side, then reached out and plucked a nearby vine. Wrapping an arm around Vanessa's waist and giving her enough time to quip, "Cliche much?" he kicked up his feet and swung down after them.

In barely any time at all, they were already back down to the treehouse village. As expected of the Yandarians, they moved at an impressive clip, and Isabella was forced to stay still and allow herself to be carried for her own safety at what would be reckless speeds and heights for most other species.

However, when they reached the main platform in the central part of the village, Phoebe stopped suddenly. Cassie had as well, and the rest of the sisters quickly joined in a tight formation.

Phoebe let Isabella down, and as she stood on her own two feet, she realized why they had stopped like this. Just ahead of them, blocking the gate to the staircase which would take them back down to ground level, was Captain Jabberwock and his first mate, Andromeda. Isabella noted that Captain Jabberwock was wearing a drill worker jumpsuit instead of his usual outfit, having ditched the multitude of belts for the highly durable onesie.

The Captain stepped forward and raised his voice. "You yiptripping humans, what the hellophonello were you thinking?" A vein on his forehead bulged in three directions as he cursed them out. "Andromeda and I spent a whole day setting traps out in the jungle behind your drop-off point, expecting you to double back to the city first thing and find a spaceship! But you just had to go to the Zawarudo Tree instead! You blinjinoling glastromorphs! If you had just acted the way you were supposed to, we would have captured you both yesterday and taken you to the Shipper long before the Yandarians picked your trail back up! But you just had to go and make things as difficult as possible for us, didn't you?" He stomped on the platform in frustration.

"Hey, don't talk to my fiance like that!" Cassie upstarted.

"Our fiance!" x5

"I know, I know!"

Captain Jabberwock leered down at Cassie. "Shut up and hand the humans over before I let Andromeda kick your butt a second time!"

"Last time was just a fluke! I won't let my guard down this time, no matter how many of your clothes you take off, pervert!"

"For the last time, I'm not a pervert! It's a condition! I was cursed by the Witch of Salmoo!"

Switching tracks, Cassie turned instead to Andromeda. "Big Sis, why did you choose to go follow this idiot around over staying with us and taking care of Mother?"

Andromeda neither dropped her icy stare nor opened her mouth to answer.

Cassie turned her nose up. "Hmph! I actually don't care! All that matters is that Mother isn't here to pamper you this time, so there won't be anything stopping me from killing you for abandoning us!" With that, the first princess drew her sword, and the banished princess wordlessly mirrored her.

Phineas stepped back, knowing all too well how dangerous the Yandarians could get in close quarters. "Hey, wait," he tried, holding his hands up, "isn't there a way we can settle this nonviolently?"

"No," Cassie said, never taking her eyes off her opponent. "No, there is not."

The two eldest sisters charged each other and the sound of clanging swords filled the air.

Now that Andromeda and Cassie's battle was heating up, Captain Jabberwock turned his attention back to his former prisoners, who were being guarded from the chaos by their Yandarian entourage. "All right, the rest of you girlies, listen up!" he said, pointing his finger at the other five sisters. "Those two humans are coming with me! Hand them over before things get ugly."

Stella bit her finger nervously. "That muscly guy is really hunky, he looks like a real prince. I want to do what he says, oh, but to give him Phineas? Phineas was the first boy I have ever been with…"

Isabella glared suspiciously.

"I think she means 'been in the presence of,'" Phineas had to clarify.

"If you are so easily swayed by Andromeda's boyfriend for his muscles," Phoebe scoffed, "then I guess that means you don't really love Phineas. You might as well just drop out of becoming one of his wives."

"That's not true! I do love Phineas!"

"Besides," commented Galexia, "after he spends a year or two on Yandaray, I bet Phineas will have become quite physically well-developed himself."

"Huh, that's a good point. I hadn't thought of that."

"Yeah! We don't need that pirate as a boytoy! Let Andromeda keep him!" Miranda interjected, momentarily overcoming her shyness.

"Oi," Captain Jabberwock stated flatly, "you're all misinterpreting the kind of relationship Andromeda and I have, and it's kind of pissing me off."

Isabella had a sudden idea. There was something she could say in this situation that could manipulate the Yandarians into shifting their interest from Phineas to Captain Jabberwock. She couldn't believe she had thought of it, but due to the way the lemon had rewired her brain to think naughty things, this was the first solution that came to her. Yet as she ran through the scenario in her head, she realized there was no way she could go through with it.

Isabella zoned off into her vibrant imagination and ran the simulation through its most likely outcome:

Isabella: Hey, you guys should take Captain Jabberwock as your husband instead. Considering his size, I bet he has a really big *****!

Yandarians: Yeah! He'll be way better in bed, so let's just forget about Phineas!

Then the aliens all left and Isabella was free to keep Phineas all to herself. The end!

Isabella shook her head to herself. There was no way she could say something like that. What had that lemon done to her? She felt so embarrassed to have even thought of it, yet the scenario continued to play out in her mind's eye.

Phineas: So, Isabella, girls actually do care about stuff like a man's size, huh? You really do have a dirty mind.

The very thought made her cover her face with her hands in shame. The Yandarians weren't exactly the brightest, so she thought there could be a chance she could fool them like that, but would it really be worth the humiliation of saying such perverted things? Her high intellect meant that at this moment her brain was running at top speed, meaning this all happened in less than one second. Before she could start building up an argument against herself of how it was more important to protect Phineas from the Yandarians than to protect her own shame, the opportunity passed by. A serpentine shape sloughed down from the branches above and landed on the platform not far from where they were standing.

"Looks-ssss like I finally found you, Phineas-ssss and Isabella."

The Yandarian formation adjusted to shield Phineas and Isabella from Diamondback as well as Captain Jabberwock. "Who are you?" Luna demanded.

"You can call me Diamondback. Lis-ssssten, today's the day you pay me back for destroying my lemons!"

"Huh?" Luna and the other Yandarians cocked their heads. "What are you talking about? We haven't done anything with your lemons―I don't even know what that means!"

"I was-ssss talking to them!" Diamondback pointed at Phineas and Isabella. "You owe me three thousand marks! Don't tell me you have forgotten already?!"

Phineas gestured with his hands in placation. "We're really sorry. Isabella felt so bad about smashing your lemons that I almost couldn't find a way to cheer her up. Is there any way we can make it up to you?"

"Three thousand marks will make it up to me," Diamondback tossed out.

"Phineas, you owe him that much money?" Miranda asked.

"Like I was trying to explain, it was an accident! But we want to make it right, honest! We may not have any money, but maybe we could help you fix something in exchange? Just like when your spaceship broke down!"

Captain Jabberwock angrily interrupted, not liking being ignored. "Back off, you Orvlorian vlorkel!" he directed toward Diamondback. "The humans are my bounty!"

Diamondback turned to the Captain. "Hey, I've heard of you! You're the infamous pirate, Captain Jabberwock! They say that everywhere you go, you strip down to your underwear and flash everybody you plunder!"

"I most certainly do not!" Captain Jabberwock spat back in return. "They're just wardrobe malfunctions! I don't mean for it to happen!"

"S-sssso you aren't denying it."

Captain Jabberwock clenched his teeth and balled his fists.

"Oh!" Stella exclaimed. "He did the same thing when he interrupted our wedding tournament! He flexed his muscles so hard all his clothes exploded. You call that a wardrobe malfunction?"

"Th-those were extenuating circumstances…"

"Kinky!" Galexia licked her lips. "Although I wouldn't say I dislike that about you."

"Alexia! I thought we all just agreed like five seconds ago that none of us were going to lust after Andromeda's boyfriend anymore!?"

"But I was just thinking that since we all have to share Phineas, it would be nice to have some male concubines to keep me company when it's someone else's turn to have him."

"Andromeda and I aren't like that!" Captain Jabberwock interjected. "Holy gollumphospouts, why are we even still talking about this? Are we going to fight, or what?"

"I don't know, are you going to flash us in your underpants-ssss once we do?"

"NO!"

"I would not mind if you did, though," muttered Galexia.

"Oh my gosh, I'm getting so sick of this!" Captain Jabberwock declared. "Let's just fight already! Hrgh!" The Captain made to charge the line of Yandarians, drawing his blaster―

"Criminals of Gleith, halt, in the name of justice!"

"Huh?" Captain Jabberwock froze in place at the sudden shout from behind. Turning around, his gaze was met by none other than the costumed vigilantes themselves, Sabertoothed Catman and his trusty sidekick, Swallow!

"Oh, great, here we go again," sighed Diamondback.

Catman's eyes swept from left to right, taking in the scene in front of him. When he noticed Isabella and Phineas standing in the midst of the Yandarians, he gasped. "Isabella! Phineas!?"

"Madam―I mean, Catman!" Isabella cried.

"What are you doing here?"

"Well, to put it simply," Isabella summarized, "That is the infamous space pirate, Captain Jabberwock, the one who abducted Phineas and me from our home planet. These are the Yandarian princesses who are bound and determined to force Phineas' hand in marriage to make him become their king, and Diamondback here still has his old score to settle with us from that time his lemons got smashed."

Catman's eyebrows shot up. "That was quite succinct, but I think I understand the situation now."

"Catman," Isabella pleaded, "we need your help to escape from―well, all of them, actually."

"Say no more!" Catman swept his cape over his shoulder, taking a stance against the Yandarian line. For a moment, Isabella felt a tingle of hope, but then it all came crashing down when she heard Catman say his next line. "I have always wondered what it would be like to take a punch from a Yandarian!" Catman began breathing heavily in what sounded like a purring cat in heat.

"We're doomed, aren't we?" Isabella faintly breathed.

"Okay," Captain Jabberwock impatiently roared, "now can we fight?"

"I'm ready and raring to go!" Diamondback said, cracking his knuckles.

Catman just panted in anticipation.

"Keep it together, Catman!" reminded Swallow. "Yandarians are no pushovers! You'll have to be in peak form just to stand a chance against them!"

"I know, Swallow! Believe me, I have been preparing for a chance like this for a long time!"

"Somehow the way you said that doesn't give me much confidence." The two superheroes crouched as they prepared to spring into action. Captain Jabberwock and Diamondback did likewise.

"Wait, wait! Hold up hold up!" Phoebe suspended the buildup by waving her arms wildly. "Before we start, who is fighting who?"

Captain Jabberwock almost faceplanted.

"I was gonna take the pirate," Stella answered, while said pirate quickly jumped back to his feet.

"I thought I was gonna take the pirate?" Galexia said.

"You take the cat guy, he's closest to you."

"Then who's taking the chimp?"

"My name's not Chimp! It's Chip! Wait, no that's not right―it's Swallow! My name's Swallow!"

"I'll take the chimp―I mean, the swallow!" announced Phoebe.

"It's not 'the swallow,' it's just 'Swallow!'"

"Okay," Miranda said, "then I get Diamondback."

"Then who am I supposed to fight?" Luna asked.

"Sorry, Luna, you'll have to sit this one out. There's only four of them and five of us, so one of us has to."

"You would just hold the rest of us back anyways."

"I would not! I even beat Phoebe during the tournament! She should be the one sitting out instead! Or Miranda, I'm definitely stronger than her!"

"Tough luck. You're the youngest. It comes with the territory."

"You are sounding as bossy as Cassie, Stella!"

"She's right though, Luna! Someone has to watch Phineas to make sure he stays safe. And that he doesn't try to escape again."

"Ugh! Fine!"

"Good grief," Captain Jabberwock intoned, "now that we have established who will be fighting whom, can we can the chit chat already?" Once again, he took up his fighting stance.

Suddenly, a vine swung in out of nowhere, and Ferb and Vanessa collided with Diamondback, knocking him into the floor. "Oof!" Their momentum having been thusly nullified, Ferb and Vanessa hopped off to join the crowd.

"Sorry!" Vanessa offered, sending Diamondback a pitying glance. "We couldn't exactly steer."

Rejecting her apology, Diamondback pushed himself to his feet. "Oh, no, not again! I bip my pthongue! Ah!"

"Are you okay?" Vanessa tentatively asked.

"The vemom im my fangth is a very potent neurotoxim! Even vough I have rethi-ssssthtance to it, it is spill enough to make my pthongue numb!"

Vanessa grimaced. "Yikes."

"Yiketh-ssss? That'th all you haff to thay fow yourthelf?"

"I said sorry, didn't I?" Vanessa crossed her arms. "So does Ferbs. So that's on you now. Forgive and forget."

"Can I fight them?" Luna asked, pointing at Ferb and Vanessa.

"They're just humans," Miranda responded. "Without exosuits, they wouldn't even be any fun to toy with."

"If anyfing, affer I'm finished wiff you," Diamondback pointed at the Yandarians, "I'll be peaching phis boy and girl a lethon my-ssssthelf!"

"Don't hurt Ferb and Vanessa!" Phineas pleaded with Luna. "He's my brother and she's his girlfriend."

"You have a brother?" Luna looked surprised.

"Well, yeah!"

Heaving a sigh, Luna said, "Fine, we won't hurt them as long as they don't try to interfere with our wedding." Her sisters nodded in agreement.

"I guess that's as much as I can ask for," Phineas remarked.

"Sneak attack! You are all too busy flapping your gums to fight, and I'm sick and tired of listening to your yammering!" Captain Jabberwock leaped forward in a burst of speed, moving exceptionally well despite his hulking size. "Phineas and Isabella, you are once again my―OOF!"

Stella cut off his momentum with an abrupt judo chop, knocking him back over a dozen feet so that he slid on the ground right back to his starting place. "You know, sneak attacks don't work when you yell it out loud."

Captain Jabberwock was slow to get up, but not because he was hurt. He was cautiously checking his clothes, as if to make sure they were still there. "Hey, this jumpsuit really works!" he jubilantly exclaimed. "My clothes stayed on!" He got to his feet wielding a wide, toothy grin. "I knew the extra durability would come in handy! Now I don't have to hold back anymore!"

Sensing his surging confidence, Stella realized this was a battle she would need to take seriously. She extracted two kunai, her weapon of choice, from hidden beneath her clothes and took up a fighting stance. "Let's see if you can keep up with a Yandarian. Hyah!"

Catman and Swallow exchanged one last look before leaping into the fray themselves. Last of all, Diamondback threw a left hook at his opponent, striking at lightning speed. Phineas and Isabella watched helplessly as the pale lit market square of the Ursaid village turned into a battle arena.

While the rest of the group's battle was only just starting, the fight between Andromeda and Cassie had been raging for some time. The two master swordswomen could not be contained to the platform alone; every branch above and every wooden hut―essentially any physical surface available in three-dimensional space―was being used as a launching point. The two eldest Yandarians would clash on a straw rooftop here, spring to some outcropping branches there, dash across a rope bridge somewhere else.

Cassie's slashing sword looked like it was about to land a blow, only to swoop through thin air as Andromeda's very visage disappeared. Like streaks of light to the untrained eye their images would have appeared, their movements so swift they were creating afterimages. Cassie's inaccurate splice overcommitted too much and left herself exposed, she was only barely able to draw her blade back in time to block Andromeda's counter. A single jump and she flung herself across the stage to recoup, and Andromeda gave chase. All of this happened at incredible speeds, such that hundreds of these exchanges had taken place in just a few short minutes.

Like weightless ghosts not bound by the laws of gravity, the two combatants bounded from branch to branch and rooftop to rooftop in a never ending chase for dominance of position. Even the wind generated by their movements could cause nearby leaves and stems to sway and bend. Every now and then, a stray sword swing would lop off a branch, sending it crashing down into the thickets below. Other times, a wooden hut would collapse from being jumped on too hard. And every time their swords collided, the metallic clang echoed loud as a ringing church bell.

Stella sallied forth, forcing Captain Jabberwock to juke and twist evasively. She kept her aggressive tactics up, keeping the distance between them close. Wortian whiskets, he cursed, she is intentionally keeping this a close quarters fight. I can't get the right angle to shoot my blaster without risking hitting the teenage lovebirds, which would void my reward from the Shipper. Stella's onslaught never paused, giving him no time to think. He had to put his full focus into avoiding her kunai. She was too fast, he couldn't just dodge. He used his blaster to block some of her attacks, and that worked at first. But they kept coming, sknit, sknit, sknit!

Her body movements telegraphed her next attack―a slice aimed at his torso. There! I see what your next move is. Too easy! He angled his blaster to block it, and Stella's kunai came up short of its mark. Quickly, with a fwip! her other hand sliced upward at the same time. Crap! She wasn't aiming for me?! It was too late. With the barrel of his gun pinned by her first knife, she had the leverage she needed, and her strike cut clean through the blaster, splitting it in two and disarming him.

Captain Jabberwock had to go on the defensive, dodging and rolling, while Stella continued her assault. He dropped his useless blaster's broken pieces and now used his hands to counter, carefully timing his blocks and parrying at her wrists so that the sharp edge of her kunai did not reach him. However, as this went on, her attacks got closer and closer to hitting their marks. It wasn't long before Captain Jabberwock's jumpsuit was covered in slash marks, although he himself had not yet sustained any damage.

Come on, clothes! he mentally urged. Hold out for me for just a little longer! Now is really not the time for another wardrobe malfunction! If this kept up, it was easy to imagine his onesie getting so trashed that it might spontaneously fall off his body before long. He needed to get the upper hand somehow, and when the chance came, he seized it.

Stella thrusted straight at him with her right arm. Predicting her movement, Captain Jabberwock dodged just slightly to his left, letting her arm pass through the knook of his elbow, then clamped down on her forearm. Gotcha! She was now pinned by her wrist between his arm and side, giving the Captain the dominant position. He shuffled to abuse his leverage on her, twisting her arm to force her to drop the knife. Stella fought back by stabbing with her other hand over her shoulder, but Captain Jabberwock easily avoided the desperate attack, catching her by her other wrist and now having her fully trapped.

Stella squirmed and writhed to get free, but even a Yandarian's strength was not enough to overcome Captain Jabberwock's powerful squeeze. She tried switching fronts, resorting to a lower body shot by kicking with her heels, but he easily lifted her off the ground with his massive size advantage, giving her no access. Now she couldn't move and she couldn't defend herself. Unceremoniously, Captain Jabberwock drop kicked her like a goalie punting a soccer ball, and she flew through the air, sailing across the platform until she cleared the edge to fall out from the tree.

The Captain paused to catch his breath and take in his state. Patting himself down, he was relieved to find his jumpsuit still intact and on his body, where it belonged. "Yes!" He pumped a fist. "My clothes stayed on! They finally stayed on!" He almost shed a tear. "I could cry, I am so happy! Now then, time to retrieve the brats and take them to the Shipper."

He looked across the platform, now noticing that his fight had carried him quite a ways away from the rest of the group. Just as he made to rush in and snatch Phineas and Isabella, Stella somehow appeared once again before him, now looking pissed as she blocked his path.

"Wait! I'm not through with you yet!" she glared menacingly, holding up her one remaining kunai. He could tell from his time spent with Andromeda that this girl's Yandarian blood was now boiling, lusting for battle rather than for men. Now she was serious.

"C'mon! Give me a break!" he griped before they charged each other for a second bout.

Going back just a few minutes to the moment when the fighting first broke out, Catman and Galexia were sizing each other up, each having assumed a fighter's stance. Galexia couldn't help but lick her lips as her eyes took in Catman's masculine physique. "Holy cow, even compared to that pirate big sis Andromeda hangs out with, you look pretty strong! Yandarians are naturally attracted to strong, muscular men, so I think I might enjoy this!"

"Huh?" Catman almost seemed to blush. "Are you―complimenting me?"

"Hey!" Lexi had a thought. "Why don't we make this interesting!? Let's have a bet!"

"A―bet?" Catman quizzically tilted his head.

"That's right!" Lexi eagerly rubbed her hands with a sinister smile on her face. "If I win, I'll have you become one of my personal attendants-slash-concubines, after I marry Phineas of course!" She caressed her cheeks as she closed her eyes to envision it. "You will also have to do all my chores, pamper me, fan me while I sit on my lounge chair, bring me snacks whenever I want, give me daily massages―basically, be at my every beck and call!" Lost in fantasy, she dabbed at the corner of her mouth to catch some drool that appeared there. "But don't think it will be easy! That means taking care of my every need! You catch my drift, don't you, future concubine?"

"I see," Catman replied thoughtfully, stroking his chin. "So if I lose, I will be subjected to your devious whims and pleasures for the rest of my life? You'll yell at me whenever I break a vase while dusting, and scold me for not being thorough enough when washing my mistress's clothes because I secretly want to sniff them?" Lost in fantasy, he dabbed at the corner of his mouth to catch some drool that appeared there.

Lexi jolted out of her thoughts to cast a suspicious glance at her opponent. "Eh? You're weirdly thinking too much about my side of this. Isn't this the part where you're supposed to make your own demands for if you win?"

"Oh! Right! Um…" Catman hummed and hawed, his superhero mask failing to hide his blush. Still embarrassed for getting caught fantasizing just a second ago, Catman struggled to come up with anything. "Um… Uh…"

After letting him think for a moment, Lexi interjected. "C'mon, hurry up, I haven't got all day! Just pick something already. Like, why don't I become your servant if you beat me?"

"Ah, yes! That's a good idea," Catman hastily spat out. "Let's go with that."

Lexi shrugged it off. "Well, whatever, now that that's out of the way…" She quickly resumed her fighting stance, and Catman did likewise. "It's not like it matters much, since you won't beat me anyways. Haaaahhh!" The Yandarian wasted no movement as she delivered a perfect punch, sending the caped crusader flying.

Alexia couldn't help but look slightly depressed at the outcome when she saw the sprawled form of Catman laying before her. "Daaaang iiiiiit! All it took was one punch!? Not agaaaiiin!" She dropped to her knees dejectedly.

Then, she heard a faint sound from the stirring body of her opponent. Lexi looked up, stunned, to find Catman giggling from his supine position. That giggling turned into chuckling, then full out laughter.

"Aahhahaha! Yes! Yes! I knew it! I knew a Yandarian would be the perfect opponent!" Catman bounced back to his feet, grinning from ear to pointy ear. "This is the moment I have been waiting for my whole life!"

It took a moment, but a smile returned to Alexia's face as well. "Good! You had me worried there, I almost thought I wasn't going to be able to have as much fun with you as I hoped!" She eyed Catman's muscular body again, licking her lips.

"Oh, believe me," Catman purred with a slight drool, "the pleasure is all mine."

Both combatants failed to see the lustful red glint in the eyes of their opponent. Meanwhile, Isabella, who had been watching the proceedings of this battle from the sidelines, facepalmed. "What is this, the battle of the perverts?"

Catman made the first move, swinging in with a wide right hook that Lexi easily dodged. She counterattacked with a jab to the ribs. Catman grunted at the weight of the impact, and tried to land a spinning kick while Lexi was in range. The Yandarian leaned back to avoid the maneuver, then delivered a gymnastic, uppercutting kick through a back-handspring to regain her balance and simultaneously create some distance, all without losing offensive momentum. The blow to his chin caused Catman to go crosseyed and stagger backwards, giving Lexi a fresh opening to pounce. She sallied forth, unleashing a flurry of rapid punches that kept the costumed superhero reeling, then leaped into the air for a final spinning kick finisher move. The result was that Catman flew across the platform like a thrown sack of potatoes, smashing into the wall of a vacant street vendor booth and causing the small hut to collapse.

Galexia casually strolled up to the rubble while stretching her shoulders out after that attack. "Yo, you still alive? It wouldn't do for my new manservant to just die on me after an attack like that."

At those words, the pile of rubble began to move.

"Oh? Thank goodness, I thought I had maybe gone too hard." Alexia sighed with relief. "I suppose I should first take you back to the ship to get you fitted for your new butler suit―"

Catman pushed aside some wooden beams and straw to make a gap for himself to climb out of. "Wait! You haven't won just yet!" Panting, ragged, but alive, he crawled out and squared his shoulders to face the Yandarian once more. "As a hero, I can never allow the forces of evil to harm the innocent," Catman boldly declared. "That is why I must put my own body on the line! Therefore, even now, I do not yield! Although…"

Catman's tone suddenly changed, and a flush of red could be seen appearing behind his mask. "Although, things certainly seem to be going poorly. I have yet to land even a single punch, while this Yandarian seemingly is having her way with me. What should I do? If this keeps up for much longer, I don't know how much more pain I will be able to endure before she takes me back to her planet and ravishes me! Oh, but I must hold out to the end, because innocent civilians are counting on me!" He squirmed as he spoke.

"You sounded waaay too happy when you said that." Galexia watched Catman's diatribe curiously. "There's something definitely weird about you I can't quite put my finger on."

"Believe me," Isabella butted in, "you don't want to know."

"Is that so? But I do like your determination and grit." Lexi snapped her fingers and winked. "I guess it doesn't matter too much, so long as I can make into a half-decent personal boytoy while my dear Phineas is away!"

Catman inhaled sharply. "J-j-just wh-what indecent things are you p-p-planning to do to me?"

A lustful smile crossed the Yandarian's face. "Very lewd ones."

Catman gasped again. "H-how lewd?" he panted.

"Probably at least a hundred times dirtier than what you are thinking of."

"A―a hundred?!" Catman grinned so widely he had to wipe the drool coming from his mouth with his sleeve.

Alarmed, Alexia took up a defensive stance. "Are you―smiling?!" she asked, perplexed.

She is trying to use psychological warfare to wear down her opponent, observed Isabella. But with this particular foe, it isn't working the way she hoped.

Indeed, Catman was now hunched over, clenching his fists in jubilation. "Oh, this is even better than I imagined! You Yandarians really do live up to your reputations! I can't contain myself anymore! This teasing has made me reach my limit! From now on, don't hold back any more! Stop pulling your punches! I insist!" Catman spread out his arms, opening himself up fully to Galexia, completely defenseless. "Go on! Do it, then! Hit me with everything you've got! Make me submit and become enslaved to your endless debauchery!"

Alexia just stood there with her mouth agape. "Huh?"

Meanwhile in the distance, Isabella simply stared with dead eyes. For some reason, I feel like apologizing to her for how Catman is treating her.

"W-what are you waiting for? Is this some next-level play to tease me further? Fine, if you want me to beg, I'll do it! Please HIT ME MORE!" Catman lifted his face and arms to the sky in rapture.

Rubbing her forehead in confusion, Alexia said, "I don't really get it, but okay." She wound up a strong right hook and punched Catman, knocking him around like a ragdoll and sending him skidding across the platform.

Like a dog that was returning a stick in a game of fetch, Catman ran back at a sprint and took up the same pose, arms splayed. "Harder! Did you think that was going to be enough to make me submit? Do it harder!"

Totally at a loss for words, Galexia obliged, really putting her back into this one. Catman soared across the platform like a baseball hit for a homerun.

"Yes! That was more like it!" Once he landed, Catman again ran back to her. "Do it more! Even harder this time!"

"Are you crazy?" flipped Alexia.

"I could get used to this! After getting rammed by something this hard, I don't know if I can enjoy doing it with anyone who is soft and weak anymore."

The lemon made Isabella recoil in horror, thinking of an extra meaning Catman hadn't intended.

"Gross!" Alexia recoiled slightly, seemingly on the same page as Isabella. "I think I take it back, I don't think I was really imagining something a hundred times dirtier than you after all!"

"Hey, Lexi!" A voice interrupted their fight. Alexia and Catman turned to see Pheobe, on the verge of tears, holding Swallow back at arm's length even as he was trying to grab hold of her, puckering his lips. "Can we switch? I don't like facing this monkey boy!"

"What? Is he really strong or something?"

"No, it's not that; I just don't like fighting with him is all."

She used one hand to hold away his face even as Swallow said, "C'mon, sugar girl, just give me a chance! Just a chance!"

"Why can't you ask Stella if she'll switch with you?"

"Stella's having a hard time with that space pirate as it is, she won't switch either!"

"What about Miranda then?"

"Can't I just switch with you?"

"Well, Catman here and I already agreed that whoever loses must become the other's servant, so I can't. Tagging out now would be as good as surrendering. Go ask Luna."

"Aww…" Phoebe begrudgingly exited the way she came with Swallow in tow.

Lexi turned her attention back to her opponent. "All right, let's hurry up and finish this. I've got things to―WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?!"

"This is my body's weak point!" Catman was standing with his legs spread, hips thrust forward, hands locked behind his back. "This is the spot I want you to go for next! One solid blow down there will surely finish me off!"

"Catman, language!" Isabella upstarted. "Think before you say things like that!"

"Do you kiss your mother with that dirty mouth of yours?" Galexia tacked on.

"Actually, my parents both died in front of me at a very young age."

The shift in mood was so sudden, Lexi didn't know what to say. "Wait, really? Um, sorry."

Pensively, Catman looked down at the position he had placed himself in. "Mom… Dad… What am I doing? Have I already forgotten that I am supposed to be fighting for your legacy?" He shook his head as if to clear it. "That's right! I became a superhero because I wanted to make sure nobody else would live through what happened to me. It is my duty to protect the innocent by bringing justice to all wrongdoers! I shouldn't be―YOUCH!"

Lexi cut off Catman's introspection with a swift kick to the groin, which was still very exposed. Catman arced through the air yet again, half-crying, half-smiling, holding his family jewels tightly. "Mom… Dad… Your son has reached heaven!" He let out a final satisfied groan before he smashed face first into the platform floor.

Lexi approached his crumpled, twitching body. "I've finally figured out your game, masochist," she said. "Sexy as you are, your deviance is just too unsettling. You see, even though I am a Yandarian, I don't like hurting people. Making love and war may be the two things Yandarians are built for, but my preference in men is the shy type. I don't think I'll have much use for you after all."

Catman gasped, looking like he had just realized he'd lost something very valuable. "You mean―" he slowly raised himself to a sitting position, all the while favoring his groin region, "―You won't make me your servant now?"

Lexi shook her head. "No. A maniac like you would just get on my nerves eventually."

Catman took to his knees, all but pleading. "But then you could yell at me, lecturing me for all my shortcomings until you feel better! I wouldn't mind that at all!"

"Do you want to be my servant that badly?"

Catman looked away, blushing slightly. "―No…"

Exasperated, Lexi applied her palm to her face. "Look, I don't want to hurt you any more than I already have. Even though you'd probably like it… So if you want to be my servant so badly, then I'll give you this one last chance to surrender." She put her hands on her hips as she stood over him. "Well, go ahead. You're already kneeling, so all you have to do is say the words."

Catman grimaced. Slowly, he clambered to his feet, straightened his spine, and squared his shoulders. "I am still a hero of justice," he said, puffing out his chest. "As such, I must never surrender, no matter how badly my body is battered!"

"Have it your way." Lexi grabbed Catman's arm and spun around, throwing him over her shoulder and whipping him skyward, sending him crashing through the branches of the Zawarudo Tree high overhead. Ultimately, the toss ejected him from its spacious canopy as he tumbled through the air and arced into the night sky.

We now return to the moment where Phoebe and Swallow's fight first started.

While the other battles were heating up, Phoebe extracted her favorite two sais and pounced for Swallow. She skillfully sliced through the air, but he acrobatically dodged, easily avoiding her tri-pronged weapons. Phoebe did not lack for technique as she spun and spliced, varying her attacks to confuse and surprise her foe, yet Swallow was exceptionally small and nimble. He spun, cartwheeled, flipped, and twisted just enough to continuously stay out of her reach. Soon, they had put a good amount of distance between themselves and the rest of the group. However, Phoebe never slowed down her assault, and they were quickly running out of space. The edge of the platform was not far away behind Swallow, and she drove him that way in the hope of cornering him.

Soon, Swallow felt the drop-off with his heel after his latest bout of dodging, and he glanced down to see that he was out of space. Phoebe drew up her sais to make sure he had no way of escaping her any longer. "Any last words, Mr. Swallow?"

"It's not Mr. Swallow, just Swallow!"

"Okay, Swallow, enjoy your doom!" Phoebe thrust with her might.

Swallow sprang back to avoid her weapons and found himself falling into the abyss.

"Done and done!" Phoebe turned around to make her way back to the others when she heard a strange, chattering, chimp-like laugh.

"Teeheehee heehee!"

Phoebe spun around and saw Swallow dangling from a branch with one hand. He grinned at her and made a beckoning motion with his hand.

Phoebe couldn't help but grin back. "Finally! Someone who will climb trees with me!" With that, she sprang after him, and they raced through the branches. Phoebe was light on her feet and feeling in her element, but the same could be said about Swallow, who swung from branch to branch as naturally as he breathed. Even when Andromeda and Cassie zoomed by at superhuman speeds in the foliage they shared their fight in, Swallow always managed to avoid collisions if they ever happened to push off the same branch he was using.

"Teehee hee! Tee hee hee!" Phoebe was getting annoyed by his chattering laugh and picked up the pace. She had drastically underestimated his agility, and it took all her skill just to keep up, let alone close the distance. Pushing herself just a little bit too hard, she misjudged the distance to a branch that had looked sturdy enough to support her, and one false step later, the clumsiest of the Yandarian sisters felt her foot slip out from under her. With a crash, she found herself tangled upside-down in a mess of vines like a fly wrapped up in a spider's web.

"Teeheehee!" Swallow bounded up to the branch next to her. "That was fun!"

Phoebe growled as she strained to free herself from the vines.

Noticing she was really stuck down there, Swallow narrowed his eyes. "Holy s***! You have some nice tatas!" His pupils practically changed shape from circles into heart shapes as he looked her up and down. "White with blue stripes? Teeheehee!"

Phoebe's blood rushed to her face, and not just because of the way she was dangling. She quickly flipped her skirt upwards to cover herself against the relentlessness of gravity. "Hey, no looking! This package is for Phineas' eyes only!"

"And what an a** you've got! Mm, mmm! D*mn, you fine, girl!" Swallow had already shimmied down the vines in a flash to get a closer look.

"Nooo!" In a rage, Phoebe ripped the vines to shreds and lashed out at the chimp with her sai, but he was already gone, hopping excitedly from one foot to the other a branch away. Just as before, he was safely out of reach.

"Woohoo!" he whooped, drooling as he held his palms in the air like he was dancing at a rave. "I just saw a cute girl's panties!"

"You'll pay for that, you creepy little imp!" Phoebe climbed hand over hand up the vines to get herself back on a limb. "Get over here!" She sprang after him, but seeing as she couldn't get in close, she threw one of her sais for a long-ranged attack.

"Hawwww!" Swallow wrapped his tail around a branch as a grapple and used it to sling-shot his body the other direction, dodging the projectile. The sai harmlessly whistled into the depths of the tree. Blinded with embarrassment and rage, Phoebe threw her only other sai without thinking. Effortlessly changing direction again, Swallow easily dodged this one as well, and just like that, it was lost forever.

Horrified, Phoebe froze as it sank in what she had just done. Tears welled up in her eyes. A sniffle. Two. Then, she began to full-out wail.

"WAHHHHH-HAH-HAH!" Her curled up fingers rubbed furiously at the deluge of tears she was weeping, failing to stem the tide. "That was my favorite sai! Boo-hoo! Wah!"

Sensing all her malicious intent was leaking out of her with her tears, Swallow doubled back. Her guard was completely down. Cautious that it might be a trick, Swallow slowly drew closer, but she never stopped crying, and she never pounced. Tentatively, as soon as he was within arm's reach, he rubbed her back ever so gently.

"Why do you have to be so fast? Shniiiiiffff! It's not fair!"

"I mean, this place is just like the lush jungles of my homeworld. I'm basically at a home-field advantage here."

"I want my sai! Give me back my sai-hai-hai!" She turned and pounded on his shoulders with her fists like a toddler throwing a tantrum.

"Okay, okay!" He shielded himself from her blows. "I'll help you look for it!"

"You will?" Phoebe's crying ceased, and she looked at him with red, puffy eyes.

"On one condition." Swallow's mouth formed an unsavory shape as he started to drool uncontrollably. "Become my girlfriend and let me fondle your breasts every day!" He held up his hands and wriggled his fingers suggestively, a massive grin forming as he stretched out his hands toward her chest.

Phoebe covered herself with her arms. "No! I hate you! Go away!" She sobbed and turned back, running for the platform where their fight began.

"Wait!" Swallow followed, but the Yandarian was just fast enough even he couldn't catch her. "Come back! Doesn't Yandaray need a king or else it will face extinction? I will make the sacrifice for all the rest of the males in this galaxy! I'll be your king!"

"Leave me alone! Wah!"

It wasn't long before they emerged from the thicket and were back on the village platform. Phoebe ran over to her closest sister, Stella, who was in the midst of fighting a heated battle with Captain Jabberwock.

"Stella!" she sniffled. "Help me!"

"I'm―hrgh!―kind of in the middle of something here!" Stella huffed, deadlocked in a grapple with the former bodybuilder. They seemed evenly matched in physical strength, a credit to the Captain.

Swallow made his move and pounced on Phoebe, wrapping her up like a football player making a tackle. "Please go out with me!" He wasn't nearly strong enough to knock her over, so he just held on to her as if he were climbing any normal tree.

"No! I don't wanna!" Phoebe wriggled to escape his grip, but all she succeeded in doing was pushing his face away to arm's length so that he couldn't nuzzle his cheeks into her. "Stella, please!"

Stella was sweating profusely. "I can't! Go ask someone else!"

"Fine! Hey, Lexi!" Phoebe wandered off another direction, towards another fight. Lexi of course was currently engaged with Catman, one-sided though their engagement may have been. "Lexi, can we switch? I don't like facing this monkey boy!"

"What?" Lexi seemed to be flustered herself, and was slow on the uptake. "Is he really strong or something?"

"No, it's not that." Phoebe sniffed again. Her hands were preoccupied with holding back the affectionate Swallow so that she couldn't do anything else. "I don't like fighting with him."

"C'mon, sugar girl!" Swallow tried to pull in closer, causing Phoebe to recoil further. "Just give me a chance, just a chance!"

Trying to be helpful, Lexi offered, "Why can't you ask Stella if she'll switch with you?"

"Stella's having a hard time with that space pirate as it is, so she won't switch either!"

"What about Miranda then?"

Phoebe didn't want to be forced to switch with the weakest fighter of the Yandarian princesses, as that was tantamount to admitting her own inferiority. "Can't I just switch with you?"

"Well, Catman here and I already agreed that whoever loses must become the other's servant, so I can't. Tagging out now would be as good as surrendering. Go ask Luna."

"Aww…"

Begrudgingly, Phoebe dragged Swallow back to where Phineas and the rest of the noncombatants stood. Luna was there, as was Miranda. Miranda probably had already finished dealing with her opponent, Phoebe guessed.

We now return back to the beginning of the skirmish one last time. The rest of her sisters having quickly split off to go fight their own battles, Miranda was left as Phineas' and Isabella's last defense against Diamondback.

Diamondback struck with the speed of a cobra, but Miranda sidestepped his attack and easily landed a single blow to the side of his head. The reptilian lemons dealer grunted softly before his eyes crossed. His legs gave out and he toppled to the ground, quite unconscious.

Miranda clapped her hands together a couple times as if she were dusting them off, then went to stand with Luna next to Phineas and Isabella to watch the outcomes of the other duels.

We now return back to the present. "Hey, Miranda, Luna?" Phoebe tentatively spoke. In unison, Miranda and Luna turned to face their older sister, unwillingly carrying a certain superhero's sidekick in tow. "I could really use your help with something…"

Meanwhile, Isabella was glaring at Swallow like he was a pile of feces, having correctly deduced what was going on.

"What is it, Phoebe?" the sisters asked. "What's the deal with the two of you?"

"He made me lose my favorite sai, and now I can't get him to leave me alone!"

"Huh?" Luna brought her hand up to cover her smirk. "You mean you can't even deal with this little chimp?"

"I'm not a monkey!" Swallow declared. "Although―" He detached himself from Phoebe upon taking in the visage of two other Yandarians. Approaching Miranda, he said, "Since she won't be my girlfriend, that leaves a spot for―"

Miranda delivered a single, precise jab with two extended fingers. Hitting a certain pressure point, Swallow collapsed to the ground, suddenly unable to move his body. "Huh? What the?! Why can't I move? What did you do to me?'

Phoebe's eyes swelled once again. "Thank you! Thank you, Miranda! Wah-hah-hah! Thank you sho much!" She slumped into Miranda's arms and balled.

"There there," Miranda said, comforting her sister with a hug and patting the back of her head as she cried into her shoulder. "It's all over. You don't have to worry about the chimp anymore."

"I'm not a chimp!" Swallow repeated from his contorted pose on the floor.

"Huh?" Luna stepped forward and bent at the waist to glower over him. "What are you squawking about down there? Don't you see you traumatized our dear sister?" Narrowing her eyes, she said, "You'd better choose my next words carefully."

"I just asked her out, that's it!" Swallow explained. "I may have also sneaked a peak or two at her panties and felt the strap of her bra through her shirt while I was patting her back…" He grinned mischievously while a short trail of drool formed at the corner of his mouth.

"Ew, this gross looking creature asked you out?" Miranda patted Phoebe's back again. "I'm so sorry, Phoeb. That must have been very hard for you."

"It was! Sniff! It really was."

Swallow gasped like he had been stabbed with a knife.

At that moment, Galexia padded back to join the group while wiping some sweat from her brow. "Whew! I didn't expect that to take so long. That cat-guy was unexpectedly hard to deal with."

"I'm sorry for that pervert's actions," Isabella couldn't restrain herself from saying.

"It's okay. Phoebe, are you all right? Looks like Miranda took care of the chimp for you."

"I'm not a chimp!"

"Apparently he was pretty hard for her to deal with as well."

"I'm sorry for this pervert's actions too." Even though she considered the Yandarians her sworn enemies, Isabella felt a little bad for them.

"Thanks," Phoebe returned, wiping her eyes one more time, but looking like she was starting to feel better.

"So that just leaves Stella's fight with the space pirate and Cassie's duel with big sis left to wrap up," Luna commented while setting her sights on the two remaining fights.

"Excuse me, you're stepping on my face," grimaced Swallow.

"Yes. It's suitable as a booster that lets me see the fights better. Plus, I saw your eyes compare our chest sizes before you advanced on Miranda and not me." Luna applied extra pressure to her heel for good measure.

"Oof!" Guilty as charged and paralyzed to boot, Swallow could do nothing to defend himself or plead his case.

"So this guy works for the mafia here on Gleith," Vanessa pointed at Diamondback, and Phineas nodded. "And he's who sent you to that wildlife sanctuary?"

"No," Phineas explained, "he is the one who brought us to Gleith because we thought he was a doctor who needed help delivering a baby." While the fights were going on, Phineas had been using the time to fill Ferb and Vanessa in on how they had all gotten to this point. "It was kind of our fault one of his batches of lemons, which are illegal street drugs here on Gleith, was lost, and now wants us to pay him back."

Vanessa was quite used to weird circumstances, so she caught on quickly. Ferb was likewise as capable of grasping Phineas' explanations as ever. "Okay." Vanessa blinked and nodded. "So if the space pirates win, they'll sell you to this mysterious 'Shipper' person, but if the Yandarians win, they'll take you to their home planet and force you to marry all of them? It looks like he's already out of the running," she indicated toward Diamondback's unconscious form, "and even those guys dressed as superheroes couldn't hold off the Yandarians for long. I hate to say it, Phineas, but it looks like you are probably going to spending the rest of your life on Yandaray."

"You guys have a plan to help us escape though, right?" Phineas had a desperate look in his eyes. "I really don't want to go back to that planet!"

Ferb and Vanessa shook their heads.

"We could―we could make another run for it while they're all distracted with the fighting!" Phineas glanced over his shoulder.

"You're not going anywhere without me, darling!" Phoebe attached herself to Phineas' side and nuzzled into him. "Ah, this is just what I needed! I feel like I'm recharging my batteries after what that chimp did to me!"

"Hey! Stop hogging Phineas while we're all distracted with the fighting!" Galexia stepped in to grab him by the crook of his elbow, attempting to yank him away from her sister. Phoebe pulled back, treating Phineas like a tug-of-rope. A fuming Isabella was baring her canines in the background.

"Yeah, somehow, I don't think your plan is going to work," Vanessa directed to Phineas, who was looking around desperately for someone to rescue him from the very real threat of being torn in half.

My name is Starshadow. I'm considered the biggest bad*ss in a group of bad*sses. My gang is following me through the streets for a final confrontation with our rival gang, the Gershyu, who have taken Orctoe hostage. Who is Orctoe? Beats me! But the pride of the Zyxuga rests on our taking care of our own, so we are ready to drive the Gershyu out of town once and for all.

Even though I spend most of my time pursuing the singular art of comedy, I am still the boss of the space mafia. And if I hope to one day make my subordinates laugh uncontrollably, I must do whatever it takes to remain the boss in the interim. I would even fight a Yandarian if it was for the benefit of the Zyxuga.

In short, there are times when even I have to be serious, and this is one of them.

Barring a few members who are presently unavailable, the entire rank and file of the Zyxuga is marching with me to the empty warehouse lot. As I held up a fist signaling to stop, a member of the Gershyu mafia poked their head out a window.

"My name is Dyna!" The speaker was a female cyclopian alien with short, spiky hair, and all of her teeth had been sharpened to fangs. "I am the leader of the Gershyu, and as you know, it was I who masterminded the kidnapping of the Zyxuga's mascot here!"

She held up a furry, four-legged critter by the scruff of its neck, and the cute little animal whimpered.

"Orcatoe!" one of my men shouted in dismay.

"Are you okay, buddy?" another cried.

"This was all part of my brilliant plan to draw you out, Starshadow!" Dyna pointed a hot pink-painted fingernail at me. "I challenge you to a duel! Whoever wins gets to keep the mascot!"

Orctoe is just someone's pet?! I can't believe I gathered the entire Zyxuga for this!

"You can beat her, boss!" the same guy who knocked on my door cheered. "Nobody is as tough as you!"

"Win back our mascot for us!"

Since when did we ever have a mascot? First I've heard of this!

There is no reason I should accept Dyna's challenge, but if I back out now in front of everyone, they'll lose their faith in me as their leader. Which would all but guarantee they would never laugh at one of my jokes in the future. I hid my tragic sigh.

"Very well, Dyna of the Gershyu! I accept your terms!" Whoops, force of habit; my comedic act briefly showed itself with a snappy gesture. I clenched my jaw and dropped my pose, taking a deep breath to calm myself.

I thought I saw Dyna's face flash a look of surprise before disappearing back through the window. A minute later, the door opened, and she stepped forward to meet me in the courtyard. She walked with a charismatic bounce, exhibiting nothing but energy and confidence. If she is trying to put on a show of toughness, it's working.

I untied my cape, letting it fall to the ground, and put up with the murmurs and whispers my subordinates shared behind my back as I approached her.

If this was a comedy―no, I caught myself thinking. I need to take this seriously. For the Zyxuga, and the faith of my underlings.

"Whoever gives up or dies first loses." It was supposed to be a question, but I think I accidentally phrased it in the form of a statement.

Dyna nodded, bringing her hands up into a stance. Inhaling loudly, she chanted, "Martial Breathing: First Form!" She drew one hand into a fist and pushed her other palm forward, then sank into a crouch.

"Kkk!" I almost snickered! That was close! What's her deal? I thought we were about to fight, but it looks more like she's about to put on a comedy routine!?

That doesn't make sense. She was probably just trained in a foreign style of martial arts I've never seen before. Focus, Starshadow. I have to stay serious! Be ready for anything!

'Whoa, she looks intense!" somebody in the peanut gallery commented.

"I sure wouldn't want to go against her!"

"But the boss hasn't even flinched!"

"He's so coooool!"

"But she's kinda cool too! Not that I'm rooting for her, or anything, I'm just saying!"

I groaned internally. I can think of a dozen jokes I could say right now in front of my men, but now isn't the time! I have to be serious right now!

"Psyionic! Wind! Art!" Dyna motioned dramatically with her arms and body, again reminding me of a comedy show. I crouched defensively."Mental Hurricane Blast!" She extended her palms out rapidly in my direction. "Pshwww!" She added a sound effect for good measure.

But nothing happened.

I resisted the urge to laugh. I don't get it! I was sure this was going to be a fight, but―could it be? Was she―

―actually challenging me to a comedy battle instead?

That has to be it. That's the only possible explanation.

"What kind of technique was that?" I heard someone whisper.

"I don't know, but I've never seen it before!"

"Shh! Quiet! The boss is about to do something!"

I get it now. In spite of myself, I nearly chuckled. This is no death match. It's a 'you laugh, you lose!' Dyna, you fool. You should have known better than to challenge me to my own game!

I crouched and clenched my fists. "Nightshade darker than dark, mists blacker than black! I call upon thee to release my hidden inner powers! Heed my beck and call, and command the strings of the universe!"

Dyna's eyes widened in response. "Magical Defensive Barrier! Activate!" She crossed her palms over her head.

You're pretty good at this, I'll give you that! "Maestro Doom Rupture! Detonate!" I swiped at a diagonal, pivoting my feet.

"Grr!" Dyna grunted, shielding herself with her arms as if protecting herself from an actual physical blow.

Neither of us have laughed yet. This could be more challenging than I thought. I glanced over my shoulder. Rather than laughing, my subordinates were enthralled with the scene taking place before their eyes.

"What is going on?"

"I don't see anything happening!?"

"Don't tell me―their battle must be so intense, it's actually unfolding on another plane of existence!"

Now my men are starting to use some of my comedic phrasing as well?!

Dyna's eye began to glow. "Laser Beam Gaze!" she declared, bracketing her one eye with her hands by making a V with her fingers.

"Fft!" Oh, man, I almost lost! That was a close one! Glow in the dark eye contacts? A nice touch, I'll admit. This person seems to really understand my sense of humor! I resisted the urge to laugh while whipping out a pair of sunglasses I always keep on my person.

"I expected you to try that! These Kardashev sunglasses protect me from all photon-based attacks!" I shifted my lenses at just the right angle to catch the light and gleam it her direction, a skill I have practiced for hours on end to acquire.

"Oof!" Dyna grunted. Stepping back, she clutched her arm by the wrist as if to control her shaking hand, which curled at the fingers. "Oh no, the hidden powers I once locked away are leaching out… If I unleash my ultimate technique now, I could level the entire city block…"

"Psh!" I just managed to hold it in by puffing out my cheeks. This chick is hilarious! Her showmanship is a little rough and the build-up is somewhat shoddy, but her talent is undoubtedly a diamond in the rough. I could very well lose if this goes on for much longer. My next play had better clinch this, and make her be the one to laugh first.

Although, somehow none of my men have laughed yet, either! How? How could they be assaulted by this much humor and not even crack a smile? Wait! Have they actually been training themselves to hold back their laughter this whole time? All along, have my jokes actually been building up their comedy tolerance baseline? Leading us to this point, where two master comedians are still trying to elicit a laugh from someone?

It is time for me to use my best joke, the one I have been holding in reserve.

"Face it," I boldly declared, "you can't defeat me! I am the reincarnation of the fallen angel of darkness! Behold, the amount of unused mana I still have left! It's―it's over nine thousand!"

Dyna put on a resolute air. "It seems I have no choice but to use that." She brought her arms up and struck a pose. "A secret agency that is trying to steal my powers might discover me here, but that is a small price to pay. Ultimate technique! Darkest Darkness Burning Flame! Whoosh! Pop pop pop pop pop!" She rotated her palms and pointed them at me.

I'm dying! I'm so dead! The way I'm snorting right now should be a dead giveaway! I can't hold in my laughter anymore! This is just too funny! I'm sorry, Orctoe, I did my best! Britishboson, you have a new rival now―

"Hahahahahahahahaha! What the heck? Did you see that, over there, Brother Abaddon?"

"Hahahahahahahahaha! Brother Syntyche, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen!"

"Are they putting on a show or something? Bahahaha! This is so funny, it should be illegal!"

"I know people think us odd for practicing Kandake, but that right there is a whole 'nother level!"

My name is Starshadow. It turns out a couple of Kandake missionaries who were passing by saw the whole thing. Their religious beliefs might be a joke, but it appears they can at least appreciate true comedy. I might pay for their meal next time I see them round that diner my subordinates and I frequent.

The infamous space pirate Captain Wyler Jabberwock was enthralled in the fight of his life. Stella spun and twirled with her kunai like a dancer, showing no signs of letting up or slowing down. With no remaining options, Captain Jabberwock thrust his hands into the wooden platform and ripped a plankboard out, using it as a makeshift club. Swinging it side to side, it did manage to keep Stella at bay for a while, until she karate kicked it and split the board mid-swing.

The Captain had half a wooden plank to parry her strikes, but the board was quickly being carved to shreds by her knife. Once it had outlived its usefulness, he crushed the remaining wood to dust with his grip strength and threw the dust in her eyes.

Stella had not anticipated such a cheap shot. She had to pull back and wipe her face with her sleeve, giving the space pirate his first real break since their fight started. Both of them had their fair share of scrapes and bruises; Stella still had a few twigs and leaves caught in her hair from her brief fall. Captain Jabberwock patted himself down one more time just to be sure his clothes were still on before wiping away a bead of blood trickling down from his nose.

There was a loud crash in the branches above, and when they each looked up to see its source, the falling form of Cassie descended in their midst. She hit the ground with some momentum and only barely rolled out of the way before Andromeda's sword sank into the floor as she landed at that very spot moments later. Andromeda extracted her blade and stood, her cold eyes sweeping across the battlefield to take in the positions of the remaining fighters.

The four remaining combatants squared each other up, using the brief lull in action to regain their bearings. Just as they were about to charge in for another round, the beating sound of a spaceship suddenly began to fill the air. A strong wind kicked up, and everyone shielded their faces while a flying saucer rose into view at the edge of the village platform.

"What is going on?" Isabella cried.

"I don't know," Captain Jabberwock said, "but if they got permission to fly this close to the tree, whoever they are, they must be very influential."

A single beam of light emerged from the spinning disk and wrapped itself around Phineas and Isabella. Without warning, their bodies floated off the ground, then began to be conveyed toward the saucer.

"Whoa! Ferb! Vanessa!?" Phineas called futilely for help.

"Phineas!" the six Yandarian sisters shouted in unison.

"They're beaming our bounty away!" Captain Jabberwock angrily spat. "Andromeda, get them back!"

"Who dares to kidnap my betrothed?" Cassie shrieked. "Girls, let's go! We have a husband to rescue!"

Being the only two fast enough to react, Andromeda and Cassie flew at the ship with incredible speed. Andromeda was just a little quicker on the uptake, and when Cassie saw that she was running behind her older sister, she shouted, "Hey! What are you doing? Get out of my way!" She raised a sword to hack Andromeda aside. Andromeda sensed the motion and twisted around to deflect it with her own blade. In the process, her feet flew out from under her, and Cassie's momentum caused the two to collide and topple into a heap on the floor.

Just like that, Phineas and Isabella disappeared into a side compartment of the ship, and the beam of light faded. The humming sound returned, and with a whoosh, the ship receded from view. The wind died back down and the noise of the engine quickly faded into the distance.

"What the Schwarzenegger was that?" Captain Jabberwock colorfully cursed at this latest setback.

"It looks like the ship flew back in the direction of the city," Miranda observed.

"If we hurry, we could still catch up!" Cassie pushed herself up. "This is your fault, you know!" she rounded on Andromeda. "If I wasn't in a rush, I would finish you off right here and now! C'mon, girls! We have to go rescue Phineas!"

"Yeah! Rescue Phineas!" the Yandarians cheered.

"Oh, and Isabella too, since she is also one of us now."

"Yeah, Isabella too!"

With that, the six sisters flew to the edge of the platform and, with a running start, leapt into the sky, soaring through the air after the spaceship.

Andromeda stood and dusted herself off. Turning to her superior officer, she said, "Sir, we should get going too."

"I'm right behind you." Not one whit behind the Yandarians in physical strength, Captain Jabberwock followed Andromeda as they jumped from the platform in similar fashion.

Ferb and Vanessa shared a knowing look. "Hang gliders?" Vanessa let one corner of her mouth curl into a playful smile.

Ferb nodded his assent, and they rushed to the edge to follow.

"Hey, wait! What about me?" Swallow shouted upon being left behind.

"Huh?" Diamondback grunted as he came to. "Who's shouting? What's-ssss going on?"

The sun was setting on the training grounds outside the castle, basking everything in golden radiance. The youngest princess, Cassie, charged with a sword that was almost bigger than she was. Releasing a battle cry, she swung with all her might―

Coolly calculating her every movement, Andromeda raised her own sword, and with a single slash, disarmed her younger sister. Cassie's sword flew high into the air and landed some distance away, the tip sinking to the hilt in the soft dirt. Andromeda leveled her own blade at Cassie, holding the point inches away from her pearly neck.

A judge raised her arm. "Princess Andromeda wins!" Their only spectator, the Queen of Yandaray, standing regally tall while dressed in all her dazzling glory, smiled from a balcony ledge overlooking the castle grounds and clapped.

Andromeda respectfully withdrew her blade and sheathed it in a single, smooth motion. Cassie, despite her loss, grinned from ear to ear and threw her arms around her older sister. "That was amazing, big sis! You are so strong!"

Now that the training session was over, Andromeda allowed herself to smile. "You have improved a lot though, Cassie. I will definitely have to watch my back if you keep growing at this rate."

Cassie laughed with the pure innocence of a child while Andromeda patted the top of her head. "The moves you showed me today were really cool, though! Thanks for teaching me, big sis!"

"You are very welcome." Andromeda held her smile for as long as Cassie was looking at her, but once her little sister went off to go play while there was still some daylight left, that smile disappeared. Andromeda turned her head to look wistfully off into the distance. Whatever thoughts she was pondering was anyone's guess.

Cassie glanced over her shoulder while they arced through the sky and made a face. "What are you doing here?" she snarled.

Andromeda and Captain Jabberwock had caught up with the pack of Yandarians. "Truce!" the Captain called. "Let's not fight each other until we have procured the humans!"

"Why don't you go find somewhere else to be annoying?"

"Because this happens to be the shortest route back to the city! If you want to avoid us so much, why don't you lot take the long way and let us have the short way?"

Cassie hmphed at that. As one, the unit all landed and sprang into the air with another gigantic leap, like a bunch of superpowered kangaroos.

"Whatever! But as soon as we have rescued Phineas, the truce is over! Got it?"

"Fine with us!"

"I mean it! I'll stab you in the back the first chance I get if you aren't watching!" Cassie was looking at Andromeda when she said that.

Andromeda seemed to accept that. "Cassie, you have grown much stronger since I left Yandaray," she admitted.

"Cassie has trained every day since you disappeared!" Stella proffered. "Harder than any of us! She kept saying she was going to find you and bring you back home someday, so she had to in order to stand a chance against you when the time came!"

Andromeda's eyes narrowed toward Cassie. "Is that so?"

Cassie shot her hand up defensively. "Well―so what if it is? It's your fault for abandoning us out of the blue like that! With no explanation! Mother had no choice but to exile you, what did you expect me to do?"

Andromeda nodded. "I'll have to watch my back."

Captain Jabberwock raised the question that was increasingly on his mind. "Andromeda, what did you get banished for, anyways?"

"You mean she never told you?" Cassie huffed. "That sounds like her. She never says anything about anything to anyone. What happened was one day, out of the blue, she tells us all she is planning on leaving the planet. Mother refused, giving her a direct order to stay put on Yandaray. The next morning, Andromeda runs away, disobeying a direct order from the Queen, and steals a spacecraft to go off on her own little adventure in space. By herself! Leaving all the rest of us behind!" Cassie pointed at Andromeda with the tip of her finger to add emphasis.

The ground approached, and altogether, they leaped into the air once more. The lights of Gleith's population district twinkled on the horizon, but they could still make out the faint speck of light that was the spaceship they were chasing.

"Naturally, she was banished for disobeying a direct order from Mother. It wasn't long after that when Mother started having her memory problems. Andromeda here just dumped all the responsibility of taking care of her on me!" Cassie concluded her story.

Captain Jabberwock stared at his first mate as if he was seeing her in a new light. Andromeda's eyes never wavered from Cassie, her expression as icy and unreadable as ever.

"I see you aren't even sorry in the slightest," Cassie read her from afar. "Tch. Did you ever care about any of us? Of any of your younger sisters? Did you ever pause to consider how much we needed you?" She paused to wipe her eyes, which had begun welling tears. "No, you preferred to go make a name for yourself as a space pirate instead!"

Captain Jabberwock gaped. "Wow. That's cold, Andie. Even for you."

A bead of sweat appeared above Andromeda's brow. Not even the Captain could remember a time he had seen her normally frigid exterior break a sweat, her rigorous training regiment aside.

"That's not true," she uttered, barely above a whisper.

"Huh?" Cassie wrapped a hand around her ear. "You mean that isn't exactly how it happened? Because if so, I'd like to hear where I got it wrong."

Andromeda clenched her jaw before answering. "Didn't Mother ever tell you the reason why I left?"

Cassie swept her hair out of her face with one hand before shooting Andromeda another angry glare. "Did she need to? It was obvious. Like I said, you wanted to go chase after your own glory and fortune. And probably lose your virginity while you were at it." She added an extra 'hmph' for good measure. "Besides, once her condition took a turn for the worse, there wasn't really anything Mother could tell us anyways, except her same handful of old war stories from ages ago. That's basically all she can remember anymore."

"I see," Andromeda said. "I didn't know that. I thought she told you."

"Communication never was your strong suit," Cassie said offhandedly. "Well? What, then?"

Andromeda lowered her voice again. "I―I left Yandaray to go look for our father."

Cassie tried to hide a gasp. "Our―f-father?"

"Mother didn't forbid me from leaving Yandaray. She forbade me from looking for our father. That is why I was banished."

Briefly, Cassie was at a loss for words, but she quickly composed herself. "Ahem! Even if that's true, you still disobeyed a direct order from the Queen! You got what you deserved."

Andromeda went back to staring straight ahead. "We're almost there," she declared. "I see the tower the spaceship landed on."

Phineas and Isabella were dumped on a concrete pad atop a wide commercial building about eight stories tall while the flying saucer was being strapped down securely to its landing zone nearby. As they stood up to gain their bearings, a thin figure approached from the shadows.

"Phineas Flynn! And Isabella Garcia-Shapiro! Our lead couple! I am so pleased to finally make your acquaintance!"

The visage of an ordinary looking teenage girl paced into the light. Her gray hoodie and jeans were grungy and ripped in places. She had dark rings under her eyes, and her black-died hair had strands sticking out in odd places. A flat sheet of hair was combed down to cover the right side of her face.

"And who might you be?" Isabella asked, although she feared she already knew the answer.

"You're right, it'd be rude not to give you my name," the figure said. "My given name is Fantasia, but most of the time, everyone calls me the Shipper."

Phineas gasped. "You're the one who hired Captain Jabberwock to abduct us from Earth!" He stepped protectively in front of Isabella. "Although, I am grateful to you for saving us from the Yandarians. So thank you, but also, you know, no thank you."

A concerned look crossed the Shipper's face. "Those Yandarians didn't do anything to you, did they? Things really got out of hand when you ended up on Yandaray, sorry about that." She got up close to look them over carefully. "What about the space pirates? I specifically requested that they were to bring you no harm."

"No, they didn't hurt us. Just forcefully tore us away from our home and dragged us halfway across the galaxy against our will," Isabella stated defiantly.

Without warning, the Shipper pulled them both in and hugged them. Phineas made a face, but Isabella nearly gagged after she got one whiff of her scent. Doesn't she ever bathe?

Just as quickly, it was over, and the Shipper pulled away, smiling. "I love you guys! So so-so-so-so-so-so-so much!" With that, she turned and walked away.

Phineas and Isabella briefly made eye contact, each confirming that the other was just as confused as they were. Whatever Isabella had expected of the Shipper, it wasn't this.

"What do you want with us?" Isabella demanded.

"To kiss," the Shipper remarked nonchalantly over her shoulder. "For starters." She stopped and turned to shoot them a dirty look. "Hehe!"

Across the rooftop, in the direction the Shipper was walking, a crane was unloading a box of cargo from the spaceship. Grabbing a crowbar, she quickly peeled apart the box and haphazardly tossed the sides away, revealing a familiar looking device.

"The De-Love-Inator satellite," Phineas breathed.

Isabella's memory clunked into place. "The machine we helped fix back on Keturah?!"

The Shipper instantly stepped up to the control panel. "―Which has since been modified by moi into a Love-Inator by reversing the polarity and adding a bit of essence de la Yandaray, aka the Queen of Yandaray's perfume. Personally, I think I like the name Ship-Inator better, but the branding is already in place."

"What does it do?" Phineas had to ask. His curiosity was piqued whenever he saw a new invention.

The Shipper rolled her eyes. "It ships whoever it hits. Causing them to fall instantly in love. Duh." She flipped the power on, and it illuminated a warm, red color as if it were the very arrow of Cupid.

A series of landing noises to their side signaled the arrival of the Yandarians. "Phineas!" Cassie's voice radiated relief. "You're okay!"

"Well well well, if it isn't the horniest band of war criminals in the galaxy," the Shipper mused.

Two more thuds, and Captain Jabberwock appeared with Andromeda at his side.

"And here's our infamous space pirate known more for his string of counts for indecent exposure than for his actual acts of piracy, along with his gluttonous, saber-wielding sidekick!"

Captain Jabberwock's eyebrows shot up when he saw the Shipper. "What're you doing here? You're supposed to be back on Tricitus!"

"Sorry Captain, you were taking too long. As soon as my Ship-Inator was ready, I just couldn't keep away from my precious wittle wovey-dovey Phinabella any longer!"

"Don't baby talk, that's weird," Captain Jabberwock tangentially muttered.

"Ship-Inator? What's that? Like, a special type of spaceship or something?" Phoebe randomly asked.

The Shipper facepalmed. "Dang it! Now that's gonna be confusing; oh, I hate to admit it. Love-Inator really is a better name."

"Anyway, you're gonna need a lot more security if you want to keep Phineas away from us," Cassie chided, stepping forward. "C'mon, Phineas. Let's go have that wedding now."

"And―fire!" The Shipper hammered a button with her forefinger. The glowing red machine fired a laser beam with an accompanying glowy, sci-fi-ey sound effect. Phineas and Isabella were momentarily shrouded in the red light.

Dropping all pretense, Phineas and Isabella hungrily pulled themselves into a tight hug and mashed their lips together, kissing passionately. Isabella's tongue pretzelled with Phineas' as their two members wrestled for dominance. She clawed at his shoulders and back, while his hands pawed at her waist. Neither cared about the sucking sounds their mouths were making, sloppily sharing their saliva without regard to noise or their audience.

The Yandarians, who just moments ago had been purposefully moving towards Phineas and Isabella with the intention to extract them without any further delay, were now frozen in place, gawking, a huge trail of drool dangling from each of them.

"Do you see what they're doing with their mouths?"

"Do you see what they're doing with their tongues?!"

"I didn't know you could do that!"

"This is a new experience for me!"

"It looks really fun, though!"

"I don't know how to process this!"

"It's called kissing, and this is what you do when you're in love on Earth." Seemingly out of nowhere, Gulliver had appeared next to the Yandarians. The Graturnian's hand flew across the parchment he was holding while his eager eyes went back and forth between his writing and observing the kiss.

Meanwhile, the Shipper was grinning and squeeing madly until two streams of blood shot out of her nostrils. "Squee! Sooo cute!"

"Kissing, huh?" Cassie looked like she had just learned her birthday had come early.

"I want to try it, I want to try it…" Stella kept mumbling.

"I just decided I don't want to do anything else with my life except kissing!" Phoebe was licking her chops.

"What a coincidence, because I decided that too, as soon as you said it!" Miranda's eyes were sparkling.

"I won't even stop kissing while I eat, sleep, or go to the bathroom!" Galexia one-upped.

"Sure, kissing looks nice, but what about cuddling under a blanket together?" Luna countered.

"You're such a child, Luna," her sisters mocked. Luna puffed her cheeks out in response.

"According to my research," Gulliver seemed all too happy to share with anyone who would listen, "there are several levels of kissing. A normal kiss, which typically has a short duration; a 'French kiss,' which involves tongue and tends to last a bit longer; and lastly, a 'makeout,' which seems to be something of an extended 'French kiss,' but can ultimately lead to other intimate acts including but not limited to disrobing and even mating."

By now, the Yandarians had circled around Phineas and Isabella.

"Hey Phineas, kiss me!"

"Phineas, kiss me!"

"No, do me next!"

"Do me!"

"Phineas!"

Despite their cries, Phineas and Isabella ignored them and continued to go to town with their makeout session. Eventually, Cassie wrenched them apart.

"Phineas! Forget Isabella, kiss me instead!"

Phineas' and Isabella's eyes were glazed over, and they didn't seem to be in control of themselves. They didn't speak, they didn't do anything intelligent, really; they just pushed against Cassie's arms, trying to reach each other. Neither even looked up to register what was blocking their way. "What's the matter, Phineas? I'm right here! At least look at me!" Cassie didn't seem to notice their compromised mental state.

The Shipper had stopped her nosebleed with a couple of tissues. "As expected of the leader of the Yandarian siblings, Cassie makes the first move! Phinabella is my OTP, but I suppose I don't mind shipping them with other characters from time to time," she thought aloud. "Oh, what the heck? Let's go for it! Ship-Inator beam, go!"

She hit the button. Now Cassie and Phineas were making out in the same way he and Isabella were before.

"Kawaii! Too cute!" the Shipper squealed. "Redheads for the win!" Her tissues were ironically turning more and more red by the second.

Isabella fell to the ground. It was like she had just woken up from a very realistic dream. It was like her lemon dosage was jacked up to 11. She had been aware of everything she was doing, but had zero control over her body while she was doing it. Phineas' taste still hung on her lips, and her body felt hot.

Then she looked up and burned anew with a fit of jealousy and rage like she had never before experienced. "HEY! PHINEAS, YOU WOMANIZER! HOW COULD YOU CHEAT ON ME LIKE THAT?!"

Even as she said it, she realized Phineas wasn't in control of himself any more than she had been. The spell of the Ship-Inator was completely overpowering. "STOP!" She tried to pull Cassie and Phineas apart, but unlike the Yandarian, she didn't have the muscle strength required to do it. Phineas and Cassie continued to slobber all over each other despite Isabella's best efforts.

"Cassie, hurry up! I want a turn!"

"Uh-huh! Me too, me too!" The other Yandarians had their hands raised like praying mantises poised to catch some prey.

Unable to break apart the couple, Isabella directed her rage toward the Shipper. "You did this!" That Ship-Inator was seriously bad news, and she knew she had to get rid of it. Isabella marched toward the Shipper. "Change them back right now, or so help me, I will kill you!"

The Shipper panicked and quickly aimed the Love-Inator at Isabella before she could get any closer. Pew!

Miranda, who had been closest to Isabella, ended up being within range of the blast. As soon as the light faded, the two former enemies abandoned their respective objectives of reaching Phineas or the Shipper and embraced each other, locking lips without hesitation.

Phoebe's eyes grew to the size of grapefruits. "Holy cow, Miranda! I didn't know you swung that way!"

"Ahhh! Lesbian love!" The pressure in the Shipper's nostrils built up and burst, sending the tissues flying and renewing the stream of blood spouting from her nose. "There's nothing so adorable!"

Meanwhile, Captain Jabberwock and Andromeda were blankly watching the scene unfold before them. "Oi, Andromeda," the Captain asked dryly, "do you have any idea what's going on here?"

Though she tried to hide it, Andromeda was a Yandarian through and through, and watching a couple kiss for the first time was affecting her just like her sisters. "I―am not sure, sir." She glanced away uncomfortably, looking uncharacteristically docile.

The Shipper wore a look of sheer ecstasy as she fired the Love-Inator again, this time sending Phineas into a mad kissing session with Stella. The moment it hit them, Cassie was released from her trancelike state. She looked like her whole body had melted―her wobbly knees gave way, and she fell onto her backside, grinning like her life's purpose had just been fulfilled.

"What was it like, Cassie?" Galexia asked.

Cassie just stared dumbly ahead, never blinking. "Like nothing I have ever felt before," she contentedly sighed. "Ah! Kissing is amazing!"

"This feels great, spreading love and joy to everyone!" the Shipper congratulated herself. "Go me! Now, who should I ship next?"

"I thought I had seen it all, but this is just beyond bizarre." Captain Jabberwock wrenched his eyes away from the scene to interrupt the Shipper's eccentric tirade. "Hey, Shipper! You got your delivery, so would you mind forking over my payment?"

"Huh?" It took the Shipper a moment to register his question. "Oh, right, right! The necklace you want so badly?"

"It's called the Wrambranch Amulet, and it's the only way to cure my, er, condition!"

The Shipper chuckled. "The necklace is in a briefcase in my office downstairs. It's yours. Take it along with my everlasting gratitude."

Captain Jabberwock cracked a fanged smile. "Finally. Let's go, Andromeda."

Just as he turned to go, the Shipper asked, "Hey, before you go, can you do one final thing for me?" A devious shadow crossed her face.

The pair stopped to glance back. "What now?"

Pew!

Andromeda and the Captain were wrapped in the red light of the Love-Inator. When the light receded, they both looked down at their hands, then at each other. No reaction.

No kissing.

"Hey, why aren't you kissing?" pouted the Shipper. "Why aren't they kissing?" she asked Gulliver and the remaining Yandarians who weren't currently under the Love-Inator's influence.

"How should I know?" Phoebe answered. Returning to what was for her the matter at hand, she pleaded, "Stella, haven't you had enough yet? I want a turn kissing Phineas, too, you know!"

"Yeah, hurry up!" Luna added.

"I haven't seen you this excited in a while, Luna," Galexia knowingly snorted.

"Shut up! I just don't want to be the only one left out for once!"

"Rrrrright."

"I wouldn't mind going back for another round of him myself," Cassie announced.

"It's so weird that it didn't work though," The Shipper was in her own little world, inspecting the device. "It doesn't seem to be malfunctioning. And I have been shipping Jabdromeda forever, too! Wah! I was really looking forward to seeing them kiss."

"That's it! Stella, I can't wait any longer!"

"Well, if that's all, then Andromeda and I will be going."

"No, wait, come back! Captain, just let me see you give Andromeda a little peck on the cheek, please? It'll just take a second…"

Just as Captain Jabberwock turned to take his leave, Phoebe took matters into her own hands over on the other side of the rooftop. Forcibly extracting Stella from Phineas, she aimlessly tossed her over her shoulder and grabbed Phineas by the collar, launching herself onto him in a desperate attempt for a kiss he couldn't avoid. He fought to push her off, clearly only trying to resume his makeout session with Stella, but Phoebe overpowered him.

Stella, meanwhile, having been so bodily thrown by Phoebe, by some coincidence collided with Captain Jabberwock at the very same instant he made to leave, knocking them both over the edge of the rooftop pad.

"Captain!" Andromeda rushed over to peer over the edge. She knew a fall from here wouldn't harm him, but it was her job to watch out for him anyways.

Her superior officer had managed to grab the ledge of the rooftop and was dangling over the side by his fingertips. Swiveling his head, they both watched Stella fall down to the street below. She would be fine, they knew, and she landed with a thud, creating no small crack in the pavement.

"My engineers told me it would make any two people it hit instantly fall in love!" The Shipper was still fussing over the Love-Inator. "What could be the problem?"

Andromeda stooped to offer her hand to the Captain. "There's nothing wrong with the machine," she said. The Shipper stopped to look at the pair of them. "The fact is that it can't force the two of us to be together like that."

"But it must!" the Shipper desperately countered. "My head engineer told me enough! He told me you could ship anyone with this machine!"

"No, Shipper. He is my father!" She pulled the Captain up, and meekly looked into his face to capture the look of shock and surprise he wore.

"No!" screamed Cassie, jumping to her feet. "That's impossible!"

"Search your feelings. You know it to be true."

The Shipper looked on in wonder.

Captain Jabberwock sheepishly rubbed the base of his skull. "Now what're you yappin' about? I don't have any children! I can't possibly be your father!"

Cassie rushed over to Andromeda's side. "Surely you can't be serious! This guy is our father?"

Andromeda shot Cassie a deadpan look. "I am serious, and don't call me 'Shirley.' I have the DNA test to prove it."

"When did you get a sample of my DNA?" Captain Jabberwock asked, taken aback.

Andromeda refused to answer.

Their curiosity piqued, Galexia and Luna even looked away from Phoebe's forced kiss on Phineas to focus on this starling new development. "The space pirate is our dad?"

"No! He can't be! I refuse to accept him as my father!" Cassie bellowed.

"He isn't your father," Andromeda turned and explained to the younger siblings. "After she had birthed myself and Cassie, Mother sired the rest of you from other men she conquered across the galaxy later on down the line. That is why the rest of you find him so attractive. Cassie and I, on the other hand, are instinctively blocked from being attracted to him. Because we're family."

"Hold on," the Shipper said, "let me try something." She aimed the Love-Inator at Galexia and Luna and fired.

Lexi and Luna, who were standing next to each other, recoiled and looked at one another. "Ugh!" Lexi shuddered. "That was a weird feeling! You're my sister, I'm not gonna to kiss you!"

"Super weird!" Luna agreed. "If you try and touch me like that, I'll punch you in those oversized breasts!"

"So that explains it," the Shipper dejectedly said. "The Ship-Inator must not work on two people who are related by blood. Tch! Rats!"

"Well, you know," Gulliver suddenly offered, "as an evolutionary strategy, incest is rather ineffective. To ensure greater genetic variety, most species throughout the Animal Kingdom tend to avoid it. Although the crustacean species of planet Thrombcyn are well known for being the exception to this rule."

The Shipper snapped her fingers. "That's it! I just need to add some Thrombcyn DNA to my Ship-Inator, then I will even be able to ship family members with each other! Incest is wincest!"

"Nice going, Gulliver. You just gave her a really terrible idea."

Normally, it would have been Isabella who said that line; but she and Miranda were still busily plumbing the depths of each other's mouths with their tongues. Everyone turned to see who the new straight man was, and found Vanessa removing a pair of goggles next to Ferb, who was himself preoccupied with taking down and folding up a two-person hang glider.

"Whoa-ho! Is that who I think it is?" The Shipper held up her hands to her eye as if she were using a pretend telescope. "The diligent step-brother who searched all across the galaxy to rescue his other half, and the goth girl who can't help but select boyfriends who remind her of the father she feels distanced from?"

"Okay, ouch." Despite the dig, Vanessa quickly took in the situation. Phoebe was having her way with Phineas, and not far from them, Isabella and Miranda were still going at it. Not much could ruffle Vanessa after the things she dealt with growing up, but this sight was one of the rare ones that made her take pause. "Ferb, something is definitely seriously wrong here," she said in a matching, serious tone.

Of course, even less could ruffle Ferb, so one look was all it took for him to locate the source: he pointed to the Shipper's Love-Inator.

"That definitely looks like one of my dad's creations," Vanessa confirmed. She lifted her voice to the Shipper. "Hey, whoever you are, um, that device is probably dangerous. You should step aside and we can―"

"Ship!" At the press of a button, the Shipper fired the device. Ferb and Vanessa instantly dropped what they were doing and were now all over each other, kissing wildly. The Shipper gleefully clapped and danced, while her nosebleed revived itself to a steady trickle. "Ferbnessa! Yay! Lucky me, I got two ships for the price of one!"

"Speaking of dads," Captain Jabberwock interjected, shifting the focus back his way, "I definitely don't have any kids." He looked over Andromeda and Cassie anew. "You must have the wrong guy."

"I said I have the DNA test to prove it," Andromeda repeated.

"Impossible! I think I would remember if something like that happened," the Captain continued to plead.

"Your planet was the one our Mother conquered when she undertook her first planetary subjugation," Andromeda regaled. "After laying waste to your homeworld, she kidnapped you and forced you to be her first King. You were just a young child at the time. You probably blocked out all the memories as a coping mechanism, to deal with the trauma of seeing your home destroyed, once you were older."

"Mother always did like going for young boys," Cassie nodded, a hint of disapproval crossing her face. "But big sis, are you sure it's him?"

Andromeda solemnly nodded.

"Are you really sure?"

"I said yes, Cassie!"

"Are you really really sure?"

"I wouldn't have gone and wasted the past few years of my life seeking out and spending time with my long-lost father unless I was sure!" Andromeda snapped, briefly flashing her rare temper.

The Captain listened with a stunned look on his face. "If this is really all true, and I'm not saying I believe it yet, but if you're so sure of it, then why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"Eh?" Andromeda fidgeted, scratching her cheek. "Well," she drawled, "that's because…"

"Big sis has always been bad at communicating," Cassie helplessly shrugged. "She probably didn't even consider telling you. Just like how she didn't tell us the reason why she left Yandaray," she sniped.

Andromeda's head hung. "Sorry," she softly managed.

Her defenseless apology caught Cassie off-guard. "Jeez," Cassie said, turning away, "you're such an idiot." Facing away so the others wouldn't see, she safely unloaded a hint of a smile.

"You aren't watching your back again," Andromeda pointed out.

Cassie quickly whipped around. "What's that? You wanna go another round?" She dangerously rested her hand on the hilt of her sword. Captain Jabberwock stepped between them, arms outstretched to keep them apart.

"Girls, please! Now isn't the time!"

"Don't tell me what to do! Even if you are my father!"

"I still say there's no way that I am!"

Zap! A flash of red light surrounded Captain Jabberwock and Cassie. They broke up their argument to turn to the source.

"Sorry to interrupt your little family reunion," the Shipper said with a disappointed look, "but since you didn't start kissing, that's proof you're Cassie's father."

Captain Jabberwock clenched his teeth and shook his fist. "That hunk of junk doesn't prove anything!"

"Cassie!" Galexia was tattling from across the way, "Phoebe isn't giving me a turn to kiss Phineas! Make her pass him on!"

"Just give me another minute! Stella kissed him for way longer than this!"

"No she didn't, you liar!"

"He doesn't even want to kiss you! Look, he's been trying to wiggle free this whole time!"

"That is weird. Why won't you kiss me back the same way you were kissing Isabella? Or Cassie or Stella? What's the matter, Phineas? Do you not like me as much as them?" Phoebe's eyes began to water, and her grip loosened enough that Phineas managed to break free. The moment he did, Lexi was there to snatch him up.

"Finally! My turn! Mchysmoootchysmootch!"

"See? He's trying to squirm away from you too, Lex! He obviously doesn't want to kiss you, so give him back already!" Phoebe angrily cried.

"Easy, there, girls!" shouted the Shipper. "There's still plenty of Phineas to go around! Here you go, Galexia!" She fired the beam, and Phineas went from trying to avoid Lexi's mouth to trying to use it as he would a drinking straw.

No sooner than Phineas had been shipped with a new girl, Stella popped back onto the rooftop from where she had fallen.

"That was weird," she said. "It was like a strange dream. I knew I wanted to get back to Phineas as soon as possible, but the whole time I was down there, I couldn't think. I literally forgot I could just jump back up here. Or climb back up here, or even take the stairs."

Cassie shot her a quizzical look. "You know, now that you mention it, when that ray hit me, I felt kinda weird too." She stared ponderously at the Shipper's Love-Inator.

"You're only figuring that out just now?" Luna upstarted. "Just look at what the Ship-Inator did to Miranda and Isabella! They're both acting way out of character!"

"You're right," Cassie admitted. "That is weird."

"What part of Ship-Inator do you not understand?" the Shipper inquired. "It's literally in the name!"

"The Yandarians missed that bit of exposition," Gulliver stated. "They arrived here after you explained the Love-Inator's function."

"Oh, it's a Love-Inator?" Cassie asked. "Why didn't you say so?"

"Meaning it works like Mother's perfume, but for anyone?"

"Now I get it!"

"Yeah! 'Ship-Inator' makes zero sense at all!"

"Totally unintuitive."

"But I really liked that name!" The Shipper's eyes were watering. "Fine! If you hate that name so much, see how you like this!"

Pew!

Suddenly, Stella and Captain Jabberwock were wrapped in each other's arms, kissing like a pair of lovers who had been separated for years.

"Aha! Looks like it still works on step-family members! I guess that so long as you aren't related by blood, shipping you together is fair game!" The Shipper pumped one fist while bringing the other up to control her nosebleed.

Andromeda and Cassie both jumped back in shock. "Stella!? Wh-wh-what are you doing? How salacious!" Cassie shrieked.

"This is a new low of perversion, even for you, sir!" Andromeda exclaimed, uncharacteristically shaken.

The Shipper giggled hysterically. "To think that just a few short minutes ago, they were trying to kill each other! I love my Ship-Inator!" She hugged the refrigerator-sized machine. "I'm still a Jabdromeda fangirl, but I guess Jabberwella isn't too bad either!"

"It's the Love-Inator!" Luna cried, trying to get her older sisters' attention. "That's what's making Stella and your dad kiss! They aren't in control of themselves!"

Andromeda and Cassie directed their gaze towards the Love-Inator. Luna and Phoebe did as well. Four of the galaxy's deadliest warriors now had their sights set on the device. When the Shipper saw the dangerous looks in their eyes, she gulped. "Oh, ship."

"Hit me and Phineas with it next!" x3

"Huh?"

Cassie, Phoebe, and Luna all jumped over and in front of each other, hands raised high as if trying to get themselves called on to answer a question in class.

Andromeda alone, with one hand placed on the hilt of her sword and poised with her knees bent to charge in, looked taken aback. "Wait, were we not going to destroy it? I thought we were all on the same page there."

"Well, since you all seem so eager, I guess I have no choice," the Shipper shrugged, her demeanor completely changed now that she saw the Yandarians' enthusiasm. "Here you go! One order of Phineas, coming right up!"

Pew!

The red beam of light surrounded Cassie, Phoebe, and Luna, but when the glow disappeared, nothing happened.

"Uh, I don't feel any different," Cassie said, inspecting herself.

"Hold on," the Shipper said, thoughtfully stroking her chin. "Maybe it only works on one couple at a time. Let me try again."

Pew!

This time, Phineas released himself from Galexia and wordlessly ran over to throw himself at Phoebe, who jumped into his arms and wrapped her legs around his waist, letting him carry her while they kissed passionately.

"Sorry, girls, you'll have to just go one at a time!" the Shipper declared.

Galexia was still catching her breath from her makeout session with Phineas. "I am so in seventh heaven right now," she panted, licking her lips to catch a strand of Phineas' leftover dangling drool. "This is the best day of my life!"

"Hey!" Luna demanded. "Phoebe already had a turn! Everyone but me has had their chance, so let me kiss Phineas now!"

"You're right!" realized the Shipper. "Here you go!" She adjusted her aim and fired.

Pew!

Phineas abandoned Phoebe just as quickly as he had abandoned every other girl he had kissed so far tonight. Luna rushed to meet him halfway, and when they connected at the lips, her heel lifted itself up into the air behind her.

"Wahahaha! So cuuuuuttttttteeeee!" The Shipper couldn't contain herself and she squeed until her nosebleed formed back into a rushing river.

Andromeda drew her sword. "This has gone far enough, Shipper! You've had your fun, now release the Captain from his love spell!"

"Oh, but the fun is only just beginning!" the Shipper exclaimed. "Just imagine how much love and happiness I can spread now that I can ship whosoever I desire!"

The eldest Yandarian's eyes narrowed, and her scowl sharpened. In an instant, she rushed toward the Shipper.

Pew!

Without breaking a sweat, Andromeda slashed her sword through the air, deflecting the laser harmlessly into space.

"Not good!" The Shipper pounded the control panel, firing her Ship-Inator again and again, yet Andromeda blocked every single shot. With every deflection, she closed in on the Shipper.

"Holy ship!" the Shipper cursed. "This is bad! C'mon, Fantasia, think! You have studied every character here, you know their personalities, their likes, their motivations. If Andromeda has a weakness, what could it be? Think!" The Shipper's brain cells raced for a solution, analyzing and reevaluating every scene the Yandarian had been in. At the very moment when Andromeda dodged one final laser beam to get within striking range of the Love-Inator, the great Fan discovered it.

"By the way, that battle skirt kind of makes your butt look big. Did you gain weight after that eating contest the other night?"

Her sword lifted in preparation to cleave the Love-Inator in two, Andromeda hesitated. "Huh?" Despite herself, she glanced over her shoulder.

The Shipper slammed her hand down on the fire button. Pew! "Gotter!"

Andromeda's sword clattered to her feet, and she picked up Phineas by the armpits to raise him to her level such that his tiptoes could barely scrape the ground. Their lips conjoined, and Phineas cupped his hands around her cheeks, making her moan at his touch.

The Shipper clapped her hands to her cheeks and squealed. "Omygoshomygoshomygoshomygoooosh! You are such an adorable couple, I could die!" The force of her gushing nosebleed knocked her over backwards.

Meanwhile, Luna, who had just snapped back to reality, stomped on the ground with indignation at her unfairly short turn, but was too afraid of Andromeda to raise a fuss about it.

Cassie harbored no such fears. "C'mon, hit me with the Love-Inator already! I want to kiss Phineas some more!" Seeing that the Shipper was still spazzing out too much at the sight of witnessing some Phindromeda action to be of any use, she advanced toward the machine herself. "How does this thing work? C'mon! Shoot me and Phineas!" She pressed a random button on the control panel.

Pew!

The laser fired in a random direction, which happened to be the direction of Isabella and Miranda. They were enveloped by the light, and when it faded, the couple broke apart.

Isabella flopped onto her backside, staring at Miranda with a horrified look. Miranda just stared back, looking equally repulsed. Then, in unison, they both turned their heads to the side and hurled.

"HRRRGGGHHHHEEEEHHHH!" Isabella retched. She never felt more violated in her life. Compared to this, that measly lemon dosage was nothing. After wiping her mouth, she chanced a glance back at Miranda, and was immediately attacked by another wave of nausea.

"BLRGRRLGRGLBLRGGRGHHH!" Her mirror image, Miranda upchucked the contents of her stomach over the edge of the rooftop.

"I can't believe I did that with you of all people!" Isabella weakly growled, rubbing her stomach to soothe it.

"Let's just agree to never speak of this again." Miranda covered her mouth with her hand as she spoke.

Wasting no time, Isabella pushed herself to her knees. "Cassie!" she yelled. "Destroy the Love-Inator! Whatever idiot built it installed a self-destruct button!" She shakily raised her finger to point. "The big and obvious button right there, see it? Press it, right now!"

Cassie shot Isabella a scornful look. "I don't take orders from you, concubine! You just don't want Phineas to kiss me anymore! You've always been the jealous type!"

"Can't you see how dangerous that machine is?!" Isabella hollered. "We have to destroy it before the Shipper―oh, blast it, Isabella, arguing with idiots makes you an idiot!" She clambered to her feet and ran toward the Love-Inator satellite.

"Phineas, kiss me!" Cassie pushed the fire button and jumped in the way of the antenna, arms widespread. The glowing red light hit her and absorbed Isabella into its path as she stretched her hand out to reach the self-destruct button.

When the glare of the light faded, it revealed Cassie and Isabella to be busily playing tonsil hockey without a care in the world.

The Shipper upstarted from her fit of convulsions to observe this newest development. "More yuri!? Oh my gosh, I, like, so can't even right now! Gah!" She delightedly clapped her hands together and leaned in for a closer look, her nose ever dripping red.

Phoebe, Galexia, and Luna were still congregated around the spot where Phineas and Andromeda were kissing.

"Hey, Shipper, can you give me another turn with Phineas?"

"No, I didn't get a very good turn last time, so let me go next!"

"You should all let me go again," Miranda said, joining in. "I need something to wash away the taste of kissing Isabella, and Phineas will do quite nicely."

"Patience, my lovelies," the Shipper sang, not yet capable of peeling her eyes away from Isabella and Cassie. "You forgot to say the magic word!"

"'Justice' is more than magical enough of a word for you, Shipper!"

At this moment, when all hope seemed lost, our hero Catman and his sidekick Swallow arrived on the scene to save the day!

"This is the end of your foul deeds, Shipper!" declared Catman as he struck a commanding pose against the starry backdrop. Swallow, fully recovered and standing on his own two feet, was ever at his side.

The Shipper grinned. "Well well well, if it isn't the masochist who only became a crimefighter to get himself beat up on purpose! And who else but the monkeyboy who used to be quite polite, then turned into a molester after receiving a brain injury!"

"I―I―I would do no such thing!" Catman squirmed and glanced away. "A―and Swallow is just going through a phase! He'll grow out of it once he matures a little!"

Swallow was ogling Cassie and Isabella before he snapped to attention. "R―right! Groping is bad, and I know that now! I swear to never do it again!" He held up his hand to the square, fooling nobody.

"Your fingers are crossed," Luna flatly pointed out.

Swallow hastily hid his hand behind his back. "Stay out of this, gorilla girl!"

Luna bristled at that. "Who're you calling a gorilla, you chimp?"

"I'm not a chimp!"

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

"Enough!" Catman ordered. "Swallow, we must first deal with the Shipper! Her blackmarket shipping and delivery cartel has been funding and spreading crime across the galaxy for years!"

"Aye aye, Catman!" Swallow obeyed. "I'll stop the Shipper!" He extracted a birdarang and cocked his arm, taking aim for the Love-Inator's control panel.

"Ship!" The Shipper reacted faster, swiveling the satellite dish to face Catman and Swallow. Swallow's arm gained momentum, sending his birdarang forward―

Pew!

Swallow's hand slipped just a fraction as the ray bathed him and Catman in its red glow. The birdarang missed its mark and sank into one of the wooden pallets the Love-Inator had arrived in. Then, just as quickly, Catman and Swallow turned to face each other and inevitably kissed, with Catman dipping Swallow the way dancers or princesses do.

The Yandarians' eyes bulged at the sight. "Two boys are kissing…" Galexia gawked.

"Not gonna lie, that's kinda hot," added Miranda.

Phoebe, on the other hand, turned her nose up. "Nope! Not for me! Yuck-o patootie!"

"What do you have against it?"

"You weren't harassed by the monkey one," Phoebe answered.

"Fair enough."

"You know, I'm kinda in the same boat. I'm not feeling this one," the Shipper said, her nosebleed gone for once. "I don't have anything against yaoi; in fact, I adore it. Swallow is just too―ugh." She shivered visibly. "Let's see, keepin' it yaoi, aha! I know!"

She swiveled the satellite dish and fired the Love-Inator, wrapping the beam of light around Ferb and Catman. Ferb disregarded Vanessa, as did Catman his sidekick, swapping partners. Now Catman and Ferb were the ones kissing, leaving Vanessa and Swallow out of it.

"Yes! There's the yaoi love I needed!" The Shipper's nostrils exploded like an erupting volcano. Even Phoebe now joined her sisters in gawking.

"Okay, now I can see the appeal," she said.

Vanessa quickly recovered. Placing her hands on her hips, she glowered at the Shipper. "Hey! Give me my boyfriend back!"

"Nope!" The Shipper fired her device. "Ship!" Vanessa and Phoebe started making out on the spot.

"Et tu, Phoebe?" Miranda recoiled, making a judgmental face.

"Haven't you figured it out yet?" Luna said. "She didn't want to; the Love-Inator is making them kiss."

Swallow finally came to and scrunched his nose. "Ew, gross! Why did that have to be my first time?! It felt like kissing my sister!"

"And ship!" Pew!

Now Miranda and Catman were kissing.

"And ship!" Pew!

Now Ferb and Galexia were kissing.

"Ship!"

Catman x Captain Jabberwock.

"Ship!"

Luna x Isabella.

"Ship!"

Galexia x Captain Jabberwock.

"Ship!"

Andromeda x Catman.

"Ship! Ship! Ship! Wahahaha! Ship everyone with everyone! Everyone should kiss everyone! Have they shared a scene together in the canon? Ship them! And ship them if they haven't! Ship them if they have never even met or been in the same frame together! Kiss! Ahaha! Ship! Ahaha! Ship! Ahaha! Kiss! Ahaha!" The Shipper lost all control of herself and fired willy-nilly at anyone and everyone she could hit with her Ship-Inator.

"Me too!" Swallow interjected. "Ship me with someone! I want to kiss one of the Yandarians! Especially one of the older, mature ones with really big boobs!"

The Shipper made a face. "Except for you. You're kinda gross. Nobody actually cares about shipping you, unless it's pretending to for memes."

Swallow gasped and clutched his chest before falling to the ground, dejectedly rocking back and forth in the fetal position. Apparently the emotional damage he had taken from that was more than he was able to sustain.

All this time, Gulliver had been sitting quietly in the background, filling out his notes.

"And that goes for you too, creepy old stalker of a scientist!" the Shipper declared. "You're old and gross, so you can just forget about me shipping you with anyone! Well, except maybe with the old Yandarian Queen. It's not so bad if you're both old and decrepit. But nobody better r34 you together, because that's just nasty!"

"Oh?" Gulliver scratched his head. "I'm afraid I'm not sure exactly what you are talking about, but I am quite content to keep observing all this kissing. My research has already grown by leaps and bounds tonight!"

"Hehe, mine has too," admitted the Shipper with a satisfied smile. "But unlike you, I am not content to just keep them kissing. It's getting about to the point where I'm ready to escalate it to the next step."

That caught Gulliver's attention. "The next step?" he asked. "What, pray tell, is the next step humans take in a relationship after kissing?"

The Shipper wore a sly smirk. "You mean you can't figure it out yourself?"

Gulliver's eyebrows raised. "You don't mean―mating?"

The Shipper nodded, a greedy grin nestling in to occupy her smug face. "Bingo!" Her nose burst with a fresh stream of red.

Realizing the full scope of the situation, Gulliver pulled out a fresh stack of paper in anticipation.

"It's always nice to see a fellow degenerate around," the Shipper approvingly nodded.

"Don't lump me in with the likes of you," replied Gulliver. "The only thing that excites me about this is the scientific knowledge to be gained by it."

"Tch. It pisses me off a little that you're probably telling the truth when you say that."

My name is Orctoe! I am the cute, fluffy mascot of the Zyxuga, and although I don't really get what happened, the nice Gershyu people who were petting me and scratching my belly have returned my owner to me!

All my friends from the Zyxuga are walking home with us! There's the big hair guy who is really good at scratching my ears! That guy with the spiky boots always gives me treats! Everybody is here and smiling, even the boss!

Wait, what's that smell? Ooh, somebody peed on the fire hydrant?! I have to investigate!

I yanked at the leash I'm holding my owner by, and pulled him over to show him the smell I found!

I sniffed at the fire hydrant! Yep, somebody peed here, alright! The pee says, "First!"

Others have peed here, too! I can smell them! Their pee also says, "First!"

And someone else's pee says, "You guys, saying first is so old! Get over it, already!"

"Hey everyone, be sure to smash that like and subscribe button! And memorize the scent of my pee, so you can be notified of other places I've been peeing!"

"I peed here too, so now all of your bases are belong to us!"

Now that I have sniffed all the comments, I lifted my leg and peed on the fire hydrant! That's that, so let's continue our walk, master!

Say, there's a bunch of red beams of light firing over and over on that rooftop! I wonder if that's important―wait, what's this new thing I smell? Is it food?! Is it garbage?! I hope so! I love food garbage! Being alive is the best!

"All right, Phineas and Isabella! It is time for you to finally do the deed! And I'll be right here watching! This is the moment I have been waiting for my whole life!" The Shipper aimed the satellite dish at Phineas and Isabella, who were once again conjoined at the lips. "It's time for some seggggs!"

Pew!

Phineas and Isabella broke apart and looked at each other, both panting to catch their breath. Phineas' face registered shock. "Why did I do that? I―I don't know what came over me! I have been kissing everyone for thirty minutes!"

"It's the Ship-Inator!" Isabella exclaimed.

"My mouth is super dry," complained Phineas. "I need a drink! And my tongue muscles are cramping up! Whoa!" He looked around and noticed everyone else was still kissing.

"You are supposed to be having sex, not talking!" the Shipper irritably frowned. "Ship!"

Pew!

Phineas and Isabella went back to making out.

"That's hot, but it's not sexy enough!" the Shipper pouted. "Make them go all the way!"

Pew!

Phineas and Isabella sputtered and coughed as they broke apart.

"I'm sorry, Isabella! I couldn't stop myself!"

"It's okay, Phineas," Isabella replied, "it's not your fault!"

"So hitting them multiple times just cancels out the ship, instead of shipping them harder," the Shipper observed. "What the ship!? If it doesn't make them have sex, then what's the point of this thing?" She slammed the Love-Inator with her fist in anger.

"Maybe there's a dial or a button you're not seeing?" suggested Gulliver.

"I already checked!" retorted the Shipper. "This thing doesn't exactly come with a user's manual!"

Isabella rounded on the Shipper. "You need to stop this right now, Shipper! It's wrong to force people to kiss someone they don't want to kiss! Or to force them to be in a relationship they don't want to be in!"

The Shipper cocked her head, as if she didn't understand. "Huh? Aren't there couples who fall in love all the time but never get the chance to express their feelings? With my Ship-Inator, I can make sure that everybody gets the happy ending they wouldn't otherwise reach! I'm doing this for everybody's sake! Is that so wrong? I mean, what if you never got the chance to be with Phineas? What if it was time for you to both go to college and you never worked up the courage to confess to him? Then your chance would gone forever, and you'd never know what might have been! Doesn't it make you wish someone would just come along and make it happen? Well, I can do it! I can spread love and happiness all across the galaxy!"

"But you aren't doing that!" countered Isabella. "You're just doing this for your own entertainment and pleasure! Did you ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, the characters you treat as your playthings wouldn't want what you're trying to give them? That some pairings simply don't fit together no matter how you try to force it, or are just plain wrong? Like Andromeda and Captain Jabberwock! They're father and daughter, but you tried to force them to kiss anyway! That's just sick!"

"I don't know, they still seem like they'd make a cute couple to me."

"Then you really are messed up in the head!"

The Shipper snickered. "I take it as a compliment!" she shot back. "Everyone's got a bit of a perverted side to them, no matter how hard they try to hide it! Especially the ones that act like a goody-two-shoes. They're the most depraved degenerates of all! Like Catman here! Or Phineas! I bet that if you had a glimpse into his mind, you would be terrified by what a horny beast he actually is!"

"That's not true!" Phineas tried to defend himself.

"Or just look at yourself!" the Shipper continued, pointing at Isabella. "All it took was one tiny drop of a lemon to set you off! Phineas, did you know that ever since that lemon, your girlfriend here has imagined ravishing your―"

"That's enough! We don't need to discuss that here!" Isabella interrupted loudly.

"Like I said," the Shipper grinned, "everyone has a perverted side, and the ones who go the furthest to hide it are the biggest perverts of us all! So I don't think there's a problem with someone like me coming along every once in a while. I am happy to give everyone a chance to lower their inhibitions and try experimenting with things they would never do in real life! And in the end, I'm just another one of the filthy degenerates, too. I'm not gonna try and hide it. So yeah, I might as well get in a little fun for myself while I'm at it! Might as well turn my guilty pleasures into guiltless ones!" She lifted her arms in rapture and cackled.

"Phineas," Isabella whispered, "there's no reasoning with her! We have to destroy the Ship-Inator instead. Whoever built it installed a―"

"A self-destruct button!" Phineas was on the same page. "Let's do it!"

"Speaking of guilty pleasures," the Shipper said, her face contorting into a sinister smile, "although Phinabella will always be my OTP, I have also had a thing for Phinerb for a long time!" She licked her lips sadistically.

Isabella recoiled. "You wouldn't dare."

The Shipper's eyes bulged. "Oh, I dare! I dareth, I do! Wahahahaha!" She hungrily flipped the satellite dish around and pointed it at a new target.

Phineas and Ferb may be as close as brothers, but they aren't technically related, Isabella thought to herself. If the Shipper forces them to kiss, it could damage their relationship forever! Just imagine how awkward it would be for them to build something together after going through that! I have to protect Phineas from going through that at all costs!

Pew!

Isabella pushed Miranda in the way of the laser, causing it to hit Ferb and her. Immediately, they began kissing.

"Hey! Why'd you do that?" the Shipper demanded.

"I won't let you ship Phineas with Ferb!" Isabella readily answered. "I won't let you violate them like that!"

"You―grr!" growled the Shipper.

"I may not be as pure and virtuous as I claim to be, but Phineas and Ferb are where I draw the line! They are just too innocent and wholesome to be turned into smut by the likes of you! If there was ever a ship that was disgusting and unnatural, it would be them!"

"Just wait until I get the chance to ship Doof and Perry!" The Shipper cupped her cheek with her hand at the thought.

"Until you ship who and Perry?" Isabella repeated, totally at a loss by who she meant, but somehow feeling that it referred to something even grosser.

"And down the road, maybe even Baljeet and Buford?"

"Strangely, I don't have as big of a problem with that," admitted Isabella tangentially.

"Never mind that now! Ship!"

Isabella pushed Cassie in the way, and Ferb began making out with the leader of the Yandarian siblings.

"Ship! Ship I say!"

Catman was the only person close enough to shove in front of the laser. After it fired again, Isabella had no choice but to sacrifice herself. She leapt in the way of the beam of light.

Pew!

Ferb and Isabella were now the ones sucking each other's tongues like they were lollipops.

The Shipper gleefully squeed. "I just made a bunch of Ferbella fans very happy!" she exclaimed, two trails of blood trickling down her upper lip.

"Gotcha!" With the Shipper distracted, Phineas had snuck up to being within reach of the Ship-Inator. Isabella had played her role of distracting the Shipper perfectly. Phineas jabbed his finger at the self-destruct button, which made a satisfying clicking sound.

Nothing happened.

"I don't believe it, you distracted me long enough to actually reach the self-destruct button?" the Shipper ominously declared. "Fortunately, when my engineer rewired the circuits, he cut the line to the self-destruct button! I mean, why was that even installed in the first place? What kind of an idiot puts a self-destruct button on things this useful?"

Phineas couldn't hide his disappointment. "The self-destruct button doesn't work?"

"That's what I said!" The Shipper smugly grinned. "So it seems Isabella sacrificed her body for nothing! And―ship!"

In a flash of light, the unthinkable happened. Isabella came to herself to find Phineas and Ferb doing something she had never wanted to see them do.

The Shipper was spurting blood everywhere. "Gay incest! Gay incest! Gay incest!" she chanted, jumping up and down in the air. "I love Phinerb yaoi!"

Isabella couldn't help but be horrified by what she was witnessing. "No! Stop doing this!" she pleaded. But the Shipper wasn't listening. Swiping her eyes to dry them, Isabella willed herself to her feet.

Fight.

That was the only thing she could still do.

Fight to protect Phineas and Ferb's inviolability. Fight for the right to love. Fight to return home.

Pew!

A moment later, she was helplessly trapped in a deep kiss with Catman.

"Hey, it's me! Remember? Brother Abaddon! We met in your apartment a few days ago!"

"It sure is a small galaxy!" Brother Syntyche added.

Diamondback huffed at the two Kandake missionaries who waved him down from across the street and were now dashing over to talk to him.

"Guys-ssss," he curtly responded, "I'm kind of in a hurry right now! I'm looking for two humans."

Brother Abaddon gasped. "No way! So are we! Do they, by chance, happen to be a boy and a girl?"

"Yes," Diamondback reluctantly admitted, not stopping as he walked through the population district of Gleith.

"Does one of them have a triangular head, the other one wear a pink bow?" Brother Syntyche followed up.

That made Diamondback stop in his tracks. He slowly turned around, bewildered. "Yes-ssss?"

"Are their names Phineas and Isabella?" concluded Brother Abaddon.

Diamondback's eyebrows shot up. "What do you want with those pipsqueaks?"

"They took something that belongs to us, and we've been following them in order to get it back."

Diamondback was shocked. "That's almost exactly what happened to me! They destroyed ssss-some of my lemons, and I'm headed their way right now to give them a little payback if they don't pay me back!"

"Do you know where they are?" inquired Brother Abaddon.

Diamondback thrust his thumb over his shoulder. "Earlier they were in a spaceship that landed up to the top of that building. I think they're ssss-still up there."

"That rooftop with the fireworks going off?" Brother Syntyche confirmed, squinting his eyes.

"Fireworks-ssss?" Diamondback doubled back. "What the blazes is going on up there?"

Brother Abaddon and Brother Syntyche gasped in unison. "The Analog!"

"The what-a-log?"

The Kandake missionaries were already scuttling off on their hundreds of tiny legs. Diamondback quickly chased after them.

The Shipper danced and spun in circles, reveling in all the couple permutations she had created. "Catnessa! Andromeferb! Cassiebella! Jabberluna!" The Love-Inator satellite fired over and over again. "Ship! Ship! Shiiiiippppp!"

Her feverish tirade ended in melancholy as she stopped to reflect on the Ship-Inator's limitations. "I wish I could make them have sex, though. I want to r34 the crap out of this night! What if I got them naked, would that change anything?" She unzipped Captain Jabberwock's jumpsuit and yanked it off his body, even stripping him of his underpants. "...Nothing. I wonder if there are any adjustments I could make to the Ship-Inator that would boost its power?"

The door for accessing the rooftop opened at that moment, interrupting her soliloquy. Diamondback stepped onto the pad, followed quickly by the Kandake missionaries. All three stopped short when their eyes were met by a very strange scene: the Shipper, standing solitary in a group of couples all kissing with a single-minded focus. The naked body of Captain Jabberwock stood out in particular.

"Look, it's the Zyxuga's lemons dealer with the bad habit of biting his tongue, and the Kandake missionaries who think wiping a planet clean of all traces of life will please God," the Shipper addressed.

"This-ssss has got to be the weirdest thing I have ever seen," Diamondback said.

"O Gleith, ye planet of sinners and soilers!" lamented Brother Abaddon, preaching to the kissing couples. "Do you not realize you are poisoning the bodies God gave you with all this debauchery?"

"Look!" pointed Brother Syntyche. "The Analog!"

The Shipper threw her arms around the Love-Inator like it was her precious baby. "Mine! You can't have it!"

"But sister, that machine is a divine artifact!" Brother Abaddon said, stepping forward. "Have you ever heard of the Philosopher's Stone? It is a sacred relic with the power to―"

Pew!

In a grave violation of their religious beliefs, Brothers Abaddon and Syntyche suddenly began kissing on the spot. Or at least what counted as kissing through their facemasks.

"You religious wackos can't even tell the difference between your stupid Analog and my Ship-Inator!" the Shipper decried. "And because you are arthropods, your kissing isn't even cute! Well, it wouldn't surprise me if there was someone out there who had a kink for this, but that somebody is not me!" She turned away so as to not have to look at them.

"Aw man, that's just nassss-ty," Diamondback hissed.

"This is just the trial run," beamed the Shipper. "My Ship-Inator still needs a few upgrades. It can't make real incest happen yet, nor does it make the couple go all the way to home base."

Diamondback looked around once more. "Did you do that to all of them?" He gestured toward all the couples busily making out like he had just witnessed the Euryptigans doing.

"Isn't it glorious?"

"It's like everyone had an extra dose of lemons at a party, and got too frissss-ky," Diamondback diagnosed.

The Shipper pounded her fist into her open hand. "That's it! Hey, Diamondback?"

"Huh?" Diamondback turned his attention away from the unsightly visage of two kissing Euryptigans to look at the Shipper.

"Do you have any lemons on you? Right now?"

"Yes-ssss, why?"

"I want to buy one! I am sure that a lemon would give my Ship-Inator the extra kick it needs to make these couples horny enough to bang each other! It'll send this party into a full-on orgy!"

Diamondback gave her a judgmental look. "Yeah, sure, whatever. As-ssss long as you've got the dough. You can do whatever you want with your lemon."

The Shipper quickly extracted a wad of cash and exchanged it for a lemon. She hummed to herself as she opened a panel on the side of the Love-Inator, revealing a socket into which the Yandarian Queen's perfume had been inserted. She uncorked the perfume bottle, squeezed some of the lemon juice into the solution, and swirled it around a bit before screwing it back into the machine.

Clapping her hands to dust them and slamming the panel shut, the Shipper went straight for the controls. "Now, let's see if my hunch is right! By mixing the aphrodisiac in the Yandarian Queen's perfume with the hallucinogenic compounds in the lemon, that should make anyone hit by the Ship-Inator start having sex! I think. Wahahaha!" She cackled fiercely.

"Phineas! Isabella! You're up first! Let's get our M-rated, smokin' hot Phinabella action going!" The Shipper brought her palm down on the firing button.

Phineas woke up suddenly. "It was all a dream! Isabella and I didn't get abducted by aliens! I never kissed everybody on that rooftop after―oh." He looked around and saw everybody groggily wiping their eyes and looking around from their random scattering across said rooftop. Apparently they had all been freed from the Love-Inator's effects, just as he had been.

"Gross! I accidentally kissed the concubine again!" Miranda ewwed.

"This isn't the type of humiliation I like!" Catman dropped to his knees, his cheeks glowing red beneath his cowl.

"Ow, my head is pounding," Vanessa said, massaging her cranium.

"I don't know what happened," Brother Abaddon, the Kandake missionary, muttered, "but I am sure some devil must have taken over my body in an attempt to defile my soul!"

"Luckily we were protected by these facemasks," Brother Syntyche pointed out. "By the way, that man isn't wearing any clothes."

"Andromeda!" Captain Jabberwock frantically shouted while covering himself. "Where'd my clothes go? Even my underwear is gone this time! That never happens!"

"Pervert," Andromeda and Cassie said in unison. Meanwhile, several of their sisters turned to gawk and drool when they saw the muscular blue dwarf in the nude.

"I can see his willie!"

"So that is what a man's thing looks like?"

"Avert your eyes, my sisters!" shouted Brother Abaddon in vain. "Do not let your gaze be defiled by that heathen!"

Captain Jabberwock jumped to hide himself behind his first mate, using Andromeda as a body shield. Cassie approached with his underwear cautiously extended out at arm's length while wearing a disgusted look, like she was handing him a steaming warm doggy bag.

The Shipper was distraught. "My ships! What happened? Did the lemon break the Ship-Inator? You're supposed to be ****ing like rabbits right now!"

"You should wash your mouth out with soap, young lady!" Brother Syntyche rounded on her. "With this special Kandake soap, which you can have for free if you decide to convert!"

"I don't care!" The Shipper yanked at her bangs. "And screw you wacky Kandake zealots! I wanna see smut!" Panicking, she hammered the Love-Inator's fire button over and over. The device just whirred and crackled with electricity.

Brother Syntyche gasped. "This daughter is buried deeply in the sludge of sin. I warn you; do not procrastinate the day of your repentance, for the Almighty will not be mocked!"

Meanwhile, Isabella saw the familiar concerned look in Phineas' eye and cut that thought off immediately. "We are not helping her fix the machine!"

"I know," Phineas said, amazed that she could read his mind like that. "But I wonder why it broke?"

"Phineas, Ferb!" demanded the Shipper. "Fix the machine!"

"No." Phineas immediately refused.

"Gah!" The infuriated Shipper screamed while pounding keys on the control panel. "Please! I'll do anything! An-y-thing! Wah!" She pathetically hunched over the Love-Inator and wailed into her crossed arms.

"Will you promise to never force anyone to kiss again and let us all go?"

The Shipper glanced up, eyes shimmering with hope. "...Yes?!"

"She's lying, Phineas!"

"I know."

"Dang it!"

From the other side of the rooftop, the Kandake missionaries shared a concerned look. "The Analog is broken?!"

Isabella nodded at Phineas, then made eye contact with Ferb and Vanessa. "C'mon, guys. Let's go home. This is over." Together, they walked toward the rooftop door exit.

"And can we please never speak of this again," Ferb requested.

"I'm all for that!" Isabella said.

Captain Jabberwock zipped up the back on his jumpsuit. "Andromeda, we're leaving." He motioned for the door as well, and Andromeda immediately followed.

"No, sniff, don't go!" the Shipper sobbed. "Don't leave me!"

"Hey, wait!" Diamondback shuffled in the way to cut off Phineas and company. "You still owe me three thousand marks-ssss!"

"Here," Vanessa stepped forward. "I got this." She extracted a wad of bills from her purse.

"Vanessa, you don't have to do that for us," Phineas said.

"You can pay me back later." She smirked coyly. "Once we get home."

Phineas smiled in gratitude. "Thanks, Vanessa! We owe you one!"

"You're lucky your brother has a rich girlfriend." She playfully nudged Ferb with her elbow, who blinked loudly in response.

Diamondback stiffly accepted the money. "Fine, I'll let you kids off, jus-sssst this once."

Now that Captain Jabberwock had reclothed, the Yandarians returned to their senses. Before he could take another step, Phineas felt a stiff hand stop on his shoulder.

"Phineas, darling," Cassie threateningly smiled, "did you forget you still have six weddings to attend?"

"I'm sorry, but I refuse!" Phineas bowed out of her grip. "I'm just too young to get married!"

"I'll marry you all!" Swallow volunteered, his hand shooting into the air.

"Go kill yourself, chimp!" Cassie nastily hurled at the sidekick. Swallow hunched over dejectedly.

"Don't say such terrible things to Swallow!" Catman chided. "If you are feeling like taking your anger out on someone, take it out on me instead!"

"He never breaks character, does he?" Isabella sighed.

"Phineas, darling, we aren't taking no for an answer." Cassie sidled up to Phineas, locking arms with him.

"Cassie, wait!"

Surprising everyone, Miranda hesitantly stepped forward, shyly averting her eyes from her older sister. "When the Shipper hit me with that machine, I didn't like being forced to kiss someone I wasn't in love with. And, um, so…" She looked up and locked eyes with Cassie. "If Phineas doesn't want to get married to us, it is wrong to force him to."

Cassie looked like she had just been slapped in the face.

"..."

Phoebe was rubbing the nape of her neck, a guilty look hanging behind her eyes. "I agree with Miranda on this one. Phineas, if the way we've been chasing you has been anything like the way that chimp was chasing me around earlier," she pointed over her shoulder at Swallow and shuddered. "Just thinking about it makes me feel terrible."

A general murmur of consensus rippled through the siblings.

"I feel like I've been acting like a crazy person too."

"My warm-fuzzies don't feel very good when you put it that way."

Surprisingly, it was Luna who was the most honest with her feelings. "I love you, Phineas, so I want you to be happy, too. Even if that happiness means you don't choose me." Her voice quivered towards the end.

Phineas blushed and softly said, "Aw, guys. Before me, none of you had ever even seen another boy before―let alone talked to one! Not to deny your feelings or anything, but I think that might have affected your judgment. Why, if I had never met a girl before and suddenly was introduced to one, I think I would go a little crazy too! But since I have met a lot of girls―no, because I have met a lot of girls, I know that Isabella is special. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you go throw yourself out there and meet tons of new people, I'm sure you'll all find someone you really like―a special person who's just right for you."

Cassie's brow furrowed. In the face of such a tender and honest confession, she dropped Phineas' arm. "If that's how you all feel, then―" She took a long, hard pause. "―That means I get Phineas all to myself!" Phineas felt the wind get knocked out of him as she wrapped him up in a bone-crushing hug. "C'mon, darling, let's go get hitched!"

"Cassie!" the other Yandarians bellowed when they saw him scrunching his face in pain.

"What?" She stuck out her tongue. "Did you really think I was going to give him up just because you all let your consciences sway you?"

"I mean, you almost did. You thought about it for, like, a solid three seconds there."

Cassie ignored the dig. "We're hardened Yandarian warriors! Mother would have a fit if she saw how soft you have all turned! But I will not let our species down! I'll make sure a new generation of Yandarians rises up to carry on our legacy! I'll―"

Pew!

Everyone nervously jumped and turned to face the Shipper and her device, which had just fired its final, and most destructive, beam.

One minute before the Love-Inator fired its last, the Shipper was trying to figure out a way to wrest control back. The problem was that everyone had been ignoring her since the Love-Inator broke down. Everyone, that is, except for two particular Kandake missionaries.

"The Analog is broken?" Brothers Abaddon and Syntyche rushed forward to inspect the device more closely.

"It's not the Analog," the Shipper quickly corrected. "It's my Ship-Inator!"

Phineas, Isabella, and the others were all congregating around the exit, so the Shipper temporarily let the Love-Inator out of her line of sight. "No, don't go!" she cried out. "Don't leave me!"

"We have to fix this before we can take it back to Keturah!"

"Let's try banging on it really hard with something, see if that fixes anything!"

"Good idea! When I was still molting, my father used to fix our radio antennae by kicking it really good and hard!"

"Noooo!" The Shipper desperately turned around to hover over her Inator like a hen guarding her chicks. "Don't hurt my baby!"

"Hey, don't defile me with your filthy touch, heathen!"

"Seriously, when was the last time you washed your hands? Or your hair? Or took a bath at all?"

Despite her best efforts, the Shipper couldn't restrain the Kandake missionaries from fiddling with the Love-Inator's dials and buttons. In its already precarious state, the machine began to hum ominously. When she accepted she couldn't physically hold off a couple of ten foot tall insectoid aliens, the Shipper scrunched her face up to focus.

"Think, think!" she ordered herself for the second time that evening. "You are Fantasia! You are the Ultimate Fan who knows everything about every character! What is the Euryptigans' weakness?" A light bulb went off in her head. "Aha, I got it! Hey, missionaries!"

Brothers Abaddon and Syntyche looked up. "Yes?"

"I―" She took a deep breath. "I want to be baptized! But you have to step back from my Ship-Inator first!"

Behind their surgical masks, the Euryptigans' faces lit up in excitement. "You do? That's wonderful!"

"I knew you would come around to see the light and truth the gospel brings!" As expected, a sudden flood of emotion welled up in both of the Euryptigans' eyes.

"Yes, I want to convert! So let's just all step away from the Ship-Inator for now, and―"

Click.

The Shipper looked down at her hands, confirming what had just onomatopoeia-ed. Her wrists were now restrained by a set of highly polished, silver handcuffs.

"We'll be taking you in," Catman said commandingly, reining the Shipper in. "The authorities are going to have some questions for you. Your conversion will have to be postponed."

"I wasn't really going to convert!" admitted the Shipper. "Let me go!" Her struggles were no match for Catman's muscular physique.

Brothers Abaddon and Syntyche looked taken aback. "You lied?" Brother Abaddon clutched at his heart as if he were in pain. "Be still, my soul!"

"Swallow," ordered Catman, "let's apprehend her machine as well. The police will need it for evidence." Swallow sauntered over to the Love-Inator and swept his eyes over the controls.

"Hm," he hmmed, cocking an eyebrow. "I don't think it's broken…" He reopened the side panel and slid out some wires, thumbing through the various colors.

"The Analog works? Praise the heavens!" Unable to restrain himself, Brother Abaddon jabbed at the firing button with his spindly forearm.

Bzzt! The Love-Inator discharged. Swallow's flailing skeleton could be briefly seen through his skin as high-voltage current coursed through his body. A single ray of light emanated from the Love-Inator's satellite, firing one final beam before it appeared to power down and whir to a stop. As if sensing its demise, the satellite dish drooped and its reddish afterglow faded.

A light temporarily surrounded Catman's body like the soft yellow glow of a decorated Christmas tree before quickly dimming and fading.

"He has been purified by the Analog!" announced Brother Abaddon. "Huzzah!"

The crispy, still smoking visage of Swallow twitched and sputtered. "See?" He cartoonishly coughed out a lungful of black smoke. "It wasn't broken!" He then toppled over backwards.

Once the illumination faded, Catman groaned and opened his eyes. Something was off about his movements that was immediately apparent. His breathing labored, his motion ragged, he raised both arms out in front of himself. "Ship, shiiiiippppp…"

He dragged one foot slowly forward. Then the other.

"Are―you okay, Catman?" Isabella asked cautiously.

"Ship, shiiiiippppp…" His eyes stared lifelessly ahead at the two closest individuals, Brothers Abaddon and Syntyche. "Ship… With… Me…"

"Come again?" the confused missionary asked.

Catman stretched out his hands to touch Brother Abaddon, who ducked out of his reach. "Hey, personal space!"

"Ship… With… Me…"

"Creepy!" Brother Syntyche backed away. Catman shuffled across the rooftop, barely able to keep his balance with every step.

"I've got a bad feeling about this," Vanessa quivered.

"Ship… With… Me… Ship with me…"

"He―kinda looks like a zombie," Phineas said offhandedly.

"A z-z-z-zombie?" The Shipper, still handcuffed, backed away slowly now that Catman began advancing towards her. The half of her face that was visible through her bangs was quivering.

"Ship with me…"

"Catman!" Swallow tugged his trainer's cape. "What are you doing? Snap out of it!"

"Ship with me!" Catman stopped and hooked his arms around his apprentice. Drawing Swallow in close, Catman forced the young monkeyboy's chin upward. It was over in a smooch.

The moment Catman kissed him, Swallow's body deflated, like a puppet being severed from its strings. In similar fashion to Catman, he raised his arms outward and cast his gaze upon the others with lifeless eyes. "Ship with me…"

"Ship with me…" Catman echoed.

"They are zombies!" reacted the Shipper. "Lovezombies!"

"If you get kissed by a lovezombie, you become a lovezombie!" Phineas reiterated.

Isabella jumped into action. "Now is a very good time to run away!" She steered Phineas and the others toward the door. "Go! Go! Go!"

Captain Jabberwock and Andromeda were already long gone, having headed out minutes ago. Ferb wrenched the door granting rooftop access to the building open and held it for Vanessa, who dashed through first, along with Phineas, Isabella, and the Shipper.

Isabella pointed down the stairs. "Hurry, everyone! This way!" She didn't have to count to notice she was missing some bodies. Glancing back out the door, she discovered that the fearless Yandarians hadn't budged.

"They're not very scary for a couple of zombies," Stella said.

"Talk about super slow and weak," brushed off Galexia.

As much as Isabella would have liked to leave them all behind, she knew that was a bad idea. "Have you seen any zombie movies? You never risk letting the strongest characters become infected! As soon as they join the horde, it's all but over for the survivors!"

"As proud Yandarian warriors, we never run away from a battle!" Cassie quickly stated.

The Catman and Swallow zombies had shuffled all the way across the rooftop by now. "Ship with me…" they groaned in a monotone rasp.

There wasn't time to argue, so Isabella motioned for Ferb, who was being the gentleman and holding the door for everyone, to shut it.

"Wait for me!" Diamondback raced across the threshold, followed by the Kandake missionaries. Once everyone was through, Isabella made sure the door was deadbolted before she turned and sprinted down the stairwell.

Captain Jabberwock twisted the door handle, and the office suite swung open at his touch. He stepped into the dimly lit room, letting his first mate enter behind him.

"The Shipper said the talisman was stored somewhere in here," he said, looking around. Wordlessly, Andromeda and he immediately split up to set about searching.

The eldest Yandarian swept across the room, stopping briefly when she came across a full-size mirror. Her icy, expressionless gaze melted ever so slightly as she looked herself over. Running her hands across her waist, her nostrils flared to let escape the gentlest of sighs.

"Did you find anything?" the Captain's voice boomed.

"Nothing, sir," she answered as she tore herself away from her reflection.

"Aha! Here we go!" Several loud bangs came from Captain Jabberwock's direction. Andromeda padded over to find him settling a briefcase down on a table and sliding the side clips open. The hinge swung up, revealing a finely carved rosary with wooden beads and a fist-sized, octahedral gemstone.

"The Wrambranch Amulet." Captain Jabberwock's eyes brightened as he picked up the necklace. "Once I return this to the Witch of Salmoo IV, she will release my curse, and I won't have to worry about inexplicably losing my trousers in public anymore!"

A crashing noise like breaking glass jolted them both to their senses. Andromeda reactively pointed her sword into the dark, unseen corners of the room.

She sniffed at the air. "There's something there," she whispered. "It's small―and heading this way."

A short, thin shadow formed in the darkness and slowly dragged itself closer. It scuffed the carpet as it approached. Andromeda took a defensive stance with her sword. Then―

"Ship with me…" Gulliver's whisper whistled into their ears, and the Graturnian limped into view.

Captain Jabberwock relaxed. "Oh, it's just him!" Securing the rosary around his beefy neck, he released a satisfied chuckle. "You meddling scientist, you just saved us the trouble of looking for you! Ready to go back to your little hut on Salmoo IV?"

"Ship with me…" Gulliver answered back with lifeless eyes, creeping closer.

"Yeah, we'll take you back to that backwards system on our ship, and leave you there for good!" the Captain huffed egotistically, misconstruing his usage of the word 'ship.'

Andromeda was more cautious. "Sir, something seems off about him."

"That doesn't matter. We're capturing him alive!" Captain Jabberwock took a few lateral steps to flank him. "Here, little scientist, scientist, scientist…" he goaded, as if baiting a stray.

Gulliver snarled and launched himself at Captain Jabberwock. The Captain wrapped his arms around the Graturnian like he was attempting to squeeze him in a bear hug. "I got him! Andromeda, tie him up!"

"Ship with me…"

Andromeda never got the chance. Gulliver stretched his neck upward, puckering his lips. There was a smooching sound, and it was too late.

"S-sir?"

Captain Jabberwock released Gulliver, and the two turned their lifeless eyes to Andromeda.

"Ship with me…"

"Ship with me…"

Andromeda nervously took a step back. "Father?" she tried again. "What―what are you doing?"

Isabella's brows shot up as she ran down the hallway, having just remembered something important, and she glanced sidelong at Phineas. "Hey, wasn't Gulliver up on the roof with us earlier? I didn't see him come down!" She glanced over her shoulder suspiciously without breaking their pace.

"Oh no, you're right!" Phineas realized. He thought back to the rooftop. "I know the Yandarians can handle just about anything, but this is our third zombie outbreak now. And if I've learned one thing from being in three zombiepocalypses, it's that nobody is safe! We have to assume the worst can happen, even to the Yandarians."

Ferb nodded his assent to Phineas' statement between arm pumps.

"Wait," Isabella said, "did you say three? Obviously, there was that one time with the pharmacists. If this is the third, then what was the second zombie outbreak?"

Phineas and Ferb shared a knowing look. "Ferb," Phineas said, "remind me to dust off the old Amnesia-Inator when we get back."

Ferb nodded in sync to an indiscernible wiping sound.

"You guys have an Amnesia-Inator? Why do I not know this? Wait a minute, did you erase something from my memory? What happened during that second―"

Smash!

Everyone hit the brakes when a hulking mass crashed through the drywall, flying in one way and out the other of the hall just ahead of them, leaving two gaping holes on either wall.

A huffing Andromeda stood in the gap on the right-hand side. "How dare you try to do that to me, you pervert?" Her voice crashed like a calving iceberg.

Captain Jabberwock lifted his head above the pile of debris he was buried in, not showing a hint of pain. "Ship with me…"

Quickly putting two and two together, the Shipper clapped her still cuffed hands. "Aww, did he try to kiss you, Andromeda?" she gleefully asked.

Andromeda's frigid gaze shifted to the Shipper. "Was this also your doing?"

"Not on purpose this time." The Shipper puffed out her chest, despite Andromeda's terrifying leer. "But this means it at least overcame the incest barrier! I'll take what I can get!"

Isabella desperately wanted to slap her. "Even the Yandarians learned their lesson, but you still haven't! What is it going to take to get it through your thick skull that we don't want to be forced into your weird fetishes!?"

"C'mon, Isabella, we can hash it out later!" Vanessa spurred them back to a run. "We're in the beginning of a lovezombie outbreak! Right now, let's just focus on getting back to the rocket and getting ourselves off world!"

"I agree that we should get to safety while we can," Phineas said, quickly following, "but I feel kind of bad abandoning a planet to a zombiepocalypse without trying to do anything to help."

"Instead, we should retrieve the Analog," Brother Abaddon huffed. "We can use it to purify them all!"

"I was the one who built the Analog," Phineas replied, "and I can personally assure you that that definitely will not work! The Analog should under no circumstances be used on a person!"

"That's just what an excommunicated anti-Kandake extremist would say!" sputtered Brother Abaddon.

"I'm excommunicated?" Phineas reacted. "Well that's the best news I've heard all day!"

"You u-ssssed to be a member of the Kandake religion?" Diamondback asked.

"I never agreed to sign up!" insisted Phineas. "They tricked me into joining!"

"We did no such thing! It's common knowledge that washing your hands at the sacred Yawade basin is how one is baptized."

"Then put up a sign or something warning tourists not to use it!"

"But we want tourists to use it, so they can be baptized!"

Phineas facepalmed.

"See, this is why nobody likes you Kandake nutjobs," the Shipper commented. "You're too forceful about dumping your beliefs onto others. That's why you're pretty unpopular to ship."

Isabella sent the Shipper a condemning look.

"What?"

"Really?" Isabella scoffed.

"I mean, they are! Plus, just look at them! Who's honestly into fanart of that?"

Isabella just shook her head in disappointment at the sheer hypocrisy.

At that moment, Andromeda caught up to the group, her long legs having to slow down to match their pace. "Did I hear you say they are zombies now? What do we do?"

Isabella traced the space pirate's finger back down the hallway, to where Captain Jabberwock and Gulliver were chasing the group. "I'm surprised you can't stop them."

"I could, but―well…"

"You don't want to hurt your papa," Isabella deduced.

Andromeda nodded. "His last order was not to harm the Graturnian, either."

Isabella understood the warrior's conundrum. "So Gulliver was still up there. They're spreading fast. If your sisters couldn't stop the spread from getting him, we'll have to assume they have been infected as well. And if that's the case, it won't be long before the whole city is infected."

The moment she said that, the ceiling crashed through, and Miranda landed a short distance down the hallway ahead, trapping them.

"Ship with me…" Miranda moaned, extending her arms out and taking a scuffling step toward them.

"Boy, do I hate being right," Isabella groaned.

"Ship with me…" Captain Jabberwock and Gulliver closed in from behind.

Isabella and Phineas took up spots back to back with Ferb and Vanessa to watch both ways. The Shipper and Diamondback also did so. The hallway was too narrow for Brother Abaddon and Brother Syntyche to maneuver their bodies that way, so they straddled with their torsos sideways to look back and forth.

"Now what?" Vanessa queried.

"If only we had some zombie armor to wear," Phineas reflected, "like those rubber suits that protected us from the static in the first zombiepocalypse."

"Or those oxygen tanks that protected us from the airborne pathogens during the second one," Vanessa added.

"Okay, so Vanessa gets to remember the second zombiepocalypse we went through, but apparently I got amnesia-rayed of it?" Isabella sourly fussed. "Seriously, what happened?"

"If we told you, that would negate the whole point of the amnesia ray," Phineas simply stated.

"Ship with me…" the lovezombies groaned, inching closer and reminding them they didn't have time to argue.

"Ferb," Vanessa softly said, "if this is the end, there's something I have to tell you."

"..." Ferb expectantly replied with his eyes.

"My dad doesn't know you're British."

The unflappable Ferb did not react. Phineas, however, did a spit take. "Seriously?"

"Oh, and I love you."

"I love you too, Vanessa."

After a confession like that, Isabella was feeling the pressure. "Phineas, I also h-have something to tell you. You see, ever since we were little, I have always l―l―liked―"

"I love you, Isabella," Phineas flatly stated, cutting her off. "I wish I had told you a long time ago."

Her face flashed with heat. "Eh?"

"If this is it, I'm at least glad I get to be with you."

"That's―um…" Her tongue suddenly turned to tungsten.

"Brother Syntyche," Brother Abaddon inserted, "I love you. You've been the best companion a missionary could ever ask for."

"I love you too, Brother Abaddon. I'd hug you if it wasn't against our religion."

"Huh?" The Shipper stopped short when she heard this stunning confession. "Are you two―gay?"

"What?"

"Huh?"

"No!"

"No, I would never!"

"That's―the very idea is revolting!"

"Homosexuals go straight to hell!"

"Obviously we love each other as fellow servants of the one true god!"

"Where do you get off?!"

The Shipper pouted, the disappointment obvious in her puffed cheeks.

Phineas jumped in realization. "That's it! You're both wearing face masks!" He turned to the Kandake missionaries. "The lovezombies can't kiss you! Everybody, put on face masks! Use anything you have! Handkerchiefs, your shirt, whatever you've got!"

Everyone did as he directed. Ferb even happened to have a few spare handkerchiefs to go around. Everyone, that is, except for―

"What about me?" The Shipper was still handcuffed, and therefore couldn't do a thing to cover her face.

"Ship with me…" Miranda closed in on Brother Syntyche, latching on to his exoskeleton so she could lift her face to his level. She kissed him on the face mask, but he defensively pushed her off with his forelimbs.

"Back, you devil!" he shouted. "Keep your nasty germs to yourself!"

"It works!" Isabella cheered. "Everyone, run!"

"Wait for me!" The Shipper followed in hot pursuit.

They dashed from the hallway to another staircase. Isabella didn't know how many more stories there were to reach the ground level, but they had to be close. They rounded a corner, and without warning, a shadow leaped out from hiding.

"Ship with me!" Stella hissed, groping for a body to snatch.

"Whoa!" Phineas dodged at the last second, narrowly avoiding her clumsy flails. However, they were again cut off from their escape route.

"This way!" Andromeda whipped out her sword and slashed into the adjacent wall, weakening it significantly, before blasting the pieces away with a heavy kick. It opened up a passage, and she led the way through.

"Nice one!" Isabella grabbed Phineas' hand and dragged him through the hole. Ferb and Vanessa speedily followed.

"Later!" Diamondback took a step to join in the escape, but he tripped in the dark on a hard piece of rubble and crashed to the ground. "Awoo! My pthongue! I bip ip again!" He ripped off his facemask to stick out his tongue and inspect it.

"Out of the way!" The Shipper stepped over him and dashed through the hole. However, Stella was faster. She latched onto the Shipper by the waist and pulled her in.

"No! Stop! Please!" the Shipper struggled in vain. "Don't steal my first time! I actually haven't kissed anyone before! I'm not ready yet!"

"Ship with me…" The lovezombie ignored her complaints and laid a big, fat one on the Shipper's lips.

The Shipper blushed. "So soft…and nice. I should get a real romantic partner someday―ship! Ship with me…"

Stella released the Shipper. "Ship with me…"

"Ship with me…" The Shipper turned back and bent over Diamondback's head.

"No! Ahhh! My thongue hurts, don't kith-ssss me now!" Powerless to resist, Diamondback screamed as the Shipper puckered her lips and kissed him on his pitted snout. Just as soon, she released him. Diamondback's facial muscles relaxed, and his eyes slipped out of focus. "Ssss-ship… With… Me…"

"Ship with me…"

"Ship with me…"

The growing horde regathered themselves and began walking through the smashed wall.

"They got Diamondback and the Shipper!" Vanessa cried, being the only one who saw what transpired back at the hole in the wall.

"The exit is just ahead!" Phineas pointed to the revolving glass door that led out to the street of the population district of Gleith. "Hurry!"

They spun through the revolving door one at a time. The only problem was that the Euryptigans, who filed in last, were too large to fit. Phineas doubled back when he realized the trouble.

"Oh no, your abdomens won't fit between the panes!" he panicked.

"What do we do?" fretted Brother Abaddon. "We're stuck!"

Without speaking, Andromeda stepped forward and grabbed at the door, ripping it out of the frame.

"That works!" Brother Abaddon scuttled through the entrance. "Brother Syntyche?" he called over his shoulder. "You coming?"

"Oof, they're on me!" Brother Syntyche's rotund exoskeleton came into view, revealing that Luna and Galexia were attached to him, holding him down.

"Ship with me…" they drawled.

"Brother Syntyche!" Brother Abaddon watched helplessly as Stella came forward and bit the face mask, yanking it off with her teeth and spitting it out before shoving her lips onto his mandibles and thrusting her tongue down his mouth parts.

"Nooooo!" Brother Abaddon howled into the night. The lovezombies turned their loveless stares towards the noise, ever searching for fresh meat.

"Ship with me…" "Ship with me…" "Ship with me…"

"There's nothing you can do for him now!" Isabella tugged at Phineas. "We have to keep moving! That goes for you too, Brother Abaddon!"

"I'm not leaving him! As missionaries, it is against our handbook rules to leave each other's side!"

"It's not worth your life! C'mon, Phineas!"

Phineas reluctantly let her lead him away by the hand, and they picked up speed as they joined Ferb, Vanessa, and Andromeda on the street. Brother Abaddon, however, refused to move.

"Brother Syntyche! Resist the evil! I know you have what it takes to fight back! Don't give in to the germs and the communicable diseases of the evil―blarghunoghguhuh! Ship with me…"

"Ship with me…"

"Ship with me…"

Behind them, lovezombies flooded onto the street. Everyone but Andromeda was breathing heavily as they sprinted in the opposite direction.

"Ferb, how far away is our transport?" Phineas panted.

"We're parked about a mile away from here," Vanessa answered for her boyfriend.

"We'll never make it! The lovezombies are too―huh? Fast?" Phineas stopped short and turned around. "Uh, guys?"

The rest of the group paused to look back.

The zombie horde was way off in the distance, slowly scraping and scuffing their way along, many of them feeling blindly ahead with their arms outstretched.

"Were they moving this slowly the whole time?" Vanessa asked, astounded.

"Apparently?"

"That doesn't make any sense!"

While she was busily catching her breath, Isabella chortled to herself, then clasped her stomach in a fit of giggles that quickly rose in magnitude into hysterics. "I don't―ahahaha!―believe it! Ahahaha, they're the―hahaha!―slow type of zombies! Ahahaha!" She couldn't hold in her laughter as she shook with relief caused by the uncontrollable contracting of her diaphragm.

Phineas watched his guffawing girlfriend with a dopey grin, unable to ignore her sheer cuteness. "C'mon guys," he said, now that they knew they could easily out-walk the lovezombies, "let's go home."

As he turned to make his way up the street, his progress was stopped when Andromeda stuck out an arm, keeping him back.

"We're not out of this yet," she said, sniffing the air.

As soon as she said that, an unending wave of mindless bags of flesh began surging their way from every direction. From behind buildings and out of alleys, an uncountable number of aliens limped and hobbled into view.

"Ship with me…" harped Roxanne, the space harpy, with lolling eyes.

"Ship with me…" Gulliver dragged his slender body with some difficulty as his left leg was sticking sideways at an odd angle.

"Ship with me…" Catman and Swallow appeared in the throngs of faceless love-starved monsters.

"Ship with me…"

"Ship with me…"

"Lots of me―I mean, ship with me…"

The five survivors backed into a tight circle with their backs together as the swarm completely surrounded them. The ring of empty space separating them dwindled and eroded away as the lovezombies clambered ever closer.

Isabella audibly gulped. Phineas squoze her hand, his final act an attempt to comfort her. Andromeda unsheathed her sword in preparation to make a final stand.

Then as one, the zombies rushed forward.

My name is Starshadow. I somehow managed to make it aboard the last space shuttle to depart Planet Gleith after a massive zombie outbreak overran the population district. I'm safe now, but out of the millions of people who lived in that city, this handful of lucky individuals who escaped on board with me are the only other survivors.

The sad thing is that most of the seats on this shuttle are empty. It wouldn't be short-selling it to say that the way we even made it off the planet was a miracle in itself. Even a hardened criminal such as I wouldn't be blamed for being shaken up after seeing what has transpired in the last hour.

All my subordinates, transformed into zombies right in front of my eyes. Who knew the powerful Zyxuga, a gang feared across the entire Saggitarius spiral arm of the Milky Way Galaxy, could be wiped out all in one night like that? All because we were passing ground zero, the exact building where the outbreak began, at just the right moment when it all started. Some fluke.

If I had one regret, it would be that I never did get my men to laugh at one of my jokes.

"Please pardon the interruption, but can I have your attention please?" A stewardess' calm, soothing voice crackled from the shuttle's intercom speakers. "If there is a doctor on board, please make your way to the back cabin. Your services are requested."

A doctor, huh? Well, I guess that's only to be expected. It would make sense that somebody on a shuttle full of survivors would need medical attention after a zombie outbreak.

That having been said, if this were a comedy sketch, then the next thing the stewardess would say would be something like, 'Is there a pilot on board?' Then some extra would shout, 'We're all gonna die!' or some nonsense like that, resulting in a scene of over-the-top panic and mass hysteria. That trope has been done to death. That's exactly the kind of joke writing that keeps The Goobiest Gooby so mediocre.

"Excuse me," the intercom buzzed again, "is there a vegetarian chef on board? A passenger needs your assistance in the back cabin."

…Did I hear that right?

A―vegetarian chef?

Hm. I can't say I fully see what comedic value that holds, but I will give it points for originality. However, just spouting random words or phrases for comedy only works on young children. If you want to humor the more sophisticated minds, you can't just throw something out of left field.

There has to be intentional build-up for the payoff to be rich and rewarding.

"Pardon me, but would there happen to be any sumo wrestlers on board? Any sumo wrestlers who are riding with us today, please come to the back cabin."

A beat.

Two beats.

Three.

Sumo wrestlers?! What kind of an emergency do they need sumo wrestlers for? I was willing to overlook the vegetarian chef blunder, but this is just poor comedy writing! That's it, I'm gonna go visit the back cabin myself and see just what the asterisk is going on there!

A doctor, a vegetarian chef, and a sumo wrestler? There is nothing in this universe that could possibly connect those various and disparate occupations!

I slammed open the sliding door to the back cabin―

"Andromeda, please settle down!"

"You aren't fat, I promise! Phineas' tongue just slipped!"

"Here, I'm a professional vegetarian chef, and I prepared this extra low-calorie dish, just for you! Despite appearances, it's still quite tasty, so go ahead and eat it if you're looking to diet!"

"And put the sumo wrestler down! You don't need to lift him like that for exercise!"

"We only called him here because he was the only passenger on this shuttle who had a chance of holding you down!"

"Can't you see you're giving him motion sickness! Put him down before he pukes everywhere!"

"Andromeda, you just fought off a thousand zombies single-handedly! So what if you gained a couple pounds? You're clearly in fantastic shape!"

"Ferb, is your centrifuge finished? Doctor, we need that sedative over here, stat!"

The Yandarian space pirate is deadlifting a sumo wrestler at a high-tempo rhythm, causing the whole cabin to shake. The four humans who are with her appear to be doing all they can to get her to settle down.

"All this because a Yandarian found the scale we keep in the bathroom!?" The stewardess was standing nearby enough I overheard her sigh. "Please, miss, you're disrupting the engines with your cadence!"

My name is Starshadow. I am but a novice comedian who still has a lot to learn about comedy. Realizing just how wide the chasm is between my own comedic abilities and those of the man these bizarre scenes keep happening around, I prostrated myself before Britishboson, a humble seeker of truth at the feet of a wise comedy guru.

"O great and wise Britishboson," I said, "although I have been trying my best for years, nobody ever laughs at my jokes! How can I change it? What is my sense of humor lacking?"

Britishboson stared at me with unperturbed eyes. Then came the words from his sagacious mouth, "Well, having a good straight man goes a long way."

A straight man?! That's it! A comedy duo act―the concept is as old as comedy itself! It's so bafflingly simple, it's kind of funny I never thought of it before. I just need to find the right straight man among my lackeys, and I'll have my subordinates in stitches!

Except that would make me the foil. Isn't the straight man the one who usually gets all the laughs?

Fantasia's Notes: Character Bios

Andromeda

The eldest of the seven Yandarian princesses, and likely the deadliest woman in the galaxy. Her father is the infamous space pirate Captain Wyler Jabberwock. Her only known weakness is that she is extremely self-conscious about her weight. (Possibly bulimic!?)

Note to self: if Andromeda ever tries to get in the way of my shipping again, just call her fat. She'll instantly lose the ability to fight.

Dee'eeyar strolled hand-in-hand with Deeayess to the intersection zone marking the boundary of Gleith's population and forest districts. The rising sun caused the photonic barrier to stand out against the colorfully painted sky. Dee'eeyar was a little fatigued from lack of sleep, but that was canceled out by the especially good mood he was in. Puffing out his chest, he crossed over to the population district with his new life partner.

"I hope Isabella and Phineas haven't left Gleith yet," he said. "I still need to thank them properly."

"Is that so?"

"I had this idea that when we see them! The first thing I'll say is, 'What's up, virgins? Guess who's not a virgin anymore? This guy!'"

Deeayess rolled her eyes. "You dork."

"Isn't that why you love me though?"

The city seemed unusually quiet for this time of morning. Deeayess spotted some movement out the corner of her eye. "Who's there?" she asked, nervously clutching Dee'eeyar's sleeve.

A lifeless form groaned and stumbled into view. "Ship… Ship…" A few other figures rounded the corner of a building, moving toward them as a pack.

"Ahhhhh!" Dee'eeyar and Deeayess simultaneously released a frightened scream.

"Ship…" One of the passersby coughed and cleared his throat. "Ship this, ship that. Shipping is overdone."

"How long are you going to keep at it? You've been complaining about shipping all morning."

"Aren't you sick of it all after last night? I feel like I lost a piece of myself when I woke up from being a lovezombie."

"It's just your imagination. You'll get over it."

"I get what you're saying. Like with anything, shipping can be taken to extremes, and when that happens, things can start to get ugly. But it's over now. Everybody who was infected has turned back to normal. So let's just forget about it and get on with our lives."

Dee'eeyar and Deeayess watched the group pass, not understanding what they were conversing about in the slightest. "That's so weird," Dee'eeyar reacted, still watching the strangers move on.

"I feel like we just got faked out by something, but I don't know what."

"Ditto."

Deeayess shrugged and cast her eyes toward the sky. "Well, do you think Isabella and Phineas might be at the bus station to catch the next bus pod bound for space? You said they were looking for a ship to take them back to their home planet, right?"

"Right. Wouldn't hurt to check."

In fact, Phineas and Isabella were not at the space-bus station, but were with Ferb and Vanessa, who had come to Gleith using a rocket ship of Ferb's making.

"Thanks again for helping us make it through last night, Andromeda!" Phineas was saying, for Andromeda had accompanied them this far to see them safely off.

The space pirate nodded curtly. "I didn't do much. Even if you had all been turned into lovezombies, the effects of the Shipper's ray seem to have worn off on everyone else, so you would still have made it here on your own eventually."

Isabella would have begged to differ. If they had all been infected, they would have probably wandered off in different directions at random, getting lost and separated all over again. But nobody else brought it up, so she accepted Andromeda's humility like her friends.

"Now, if you will excuse me, I ought to be searching for my father," Andromeda stoutly continued. "Knowing him, he's probably streaking through the city in just his underwear again. He's so hopeless without me." The last bit came out as more of a personal aside.

"Take care then, and best of luck!" Phineas said with a wave, holding no ill will against his former captor. Isabella marveled once more at how Phineas never seemed to hold a grudge against anyone and always focused on the best in others. It was just another reason why she had fallen for him all those years ago.

"Well, are you guys ready to go home?" Vanessa asked, turning to head through the hatch of Ferb's rocket.

"So ready!" Isabella galloped to be first aboard.

"Uh-huh!" chimed Phineas.

Ferb entered last and closed the hatch behind him. Soon the engines were firing up, kicking up clouds of dust and smoke as the rocket lifted into the air and ascended to the heavens. Andromeda brushed her magnificent golden bangs aside to watch them disappear into the hazy smog overhead.

We now return to the Adventures of Catman and his sidekick, Swallow! When we last saw our heroes, they had been turned into mindless lovezombies, wandering the population district of Planet Gleith with no purpose other than to ship as many characters as possible with a kiss of certain doom!

Or not so certain doom, considering the lovezombies had all returned to normal by the next morning.

"Come, Swallow!" Catman said, aiming his grappling gun for the roof of the Shipper's tower. "The Shipper may have gotten away this time, but it is our duty as superheroes to dismantle the Love-Inator so that it cannot be used to harm the innocent by conniving minds in the future!"

"Aye-aye, Catman!" Swallow saluted as they fired their grapples. The pronged hooks caught on a support beam and towed the vigilantes up by steel cables, launching them to the rooftop. As soon as he landed, Swallow looked up and pointed, shouting, "Hey, look! There she is!"

"Eh?" The Shipper looked up in surprise from where she stood at the controls of her machine.

"What are you doing here, Shipper?" demanded Catman.

"Th-that's my line!" she accused, pointing her finger at them by lifting her still handcuffed wrists.

"She must have come here to try to unleash her Love-Inator on the city once more!" Swallow deduced.

"Right you are, Swallow!" concurred Catman.

"It won't work!" the Shipper wailed, tapping her fingers on the controls to no avail. "My Ship-Inator won't ship anymore! Wahhhh!"

"Shipper, you're under arrest!" Catman declared, extracting a catarang from his utility belt. "It's time for you to face justice!"

"I'll kick you in the balls if you let me go!" the Shipper suddenly wagered.

Catman's entire body froze. Almost comically fast, his face flushed red beneath his cowl, to the point that a bit of steam even seemed to waft from his forehead. "Y–you―o–ought―You ought to consider the time and place b–b–before saying things like that!" he stammered, although his body swayed uncontrollably.

"I'll even tie you down to a desk in a classroom at Endangered Species High and spank you with a wooden paddle while calling you a naughty kitten, if you let me keep the Ship-Inator!"

"You―will?" Catman's string of drool trailed all the way to the ground.

"Don't let her play you like that, Catman!" Swallow grabbed his mentor by the wrist and tried to shake him out of it.

"Ugh, you're right, Swallow," Catman said, rubbing the side of his head with his free hand. "I mustn't let her dissuade me!"

"Swalllllllooooow," the Shipper said, mustering her most seductive tone, "you're good with computers, right? If you help me fix it, I'll let you borrow the Ship-Inator to get girls to kiss you!"

"I think we should help her fix it, Catman!"

"He didn't even hesitate!" Even the Shipper was surprised.

"Swallow, you just told me to stay strong five seconds ago! Can't you resist her a little bit?"

"I cannot!" In a Shipper-esque fashion, Swallow's nose spurted a sudden trail of blood.

"Here kitty, kinky, kitty," the Shipper catcalled as she advanced toward Catman.

Expending the last of his willpower to resist, he backpedaled a short distance before eventually tripping over his own feet and landed on his backside. "One of those words was 'kinky,'" Catman did not fail to notice.

"Are you ready for your punishment for being such a perverted superhero?" The Shipper straddled him and forced him down.

Shivers ran up and down Catman's spine. "Uh, hehe, maybe…" he purred.

Just as the Shipper was on the verge of convincing the caped crusader and his colorfully costumed sidekick to assist her, the door providing rooftop access slammed open loudly.

"What in the name of Kandake are you two doing?"

"No, this isn't what it looks like! I can explain!" Catman appealed to the new arrivals from his compromised position beneath the Shipper.

Brothers Abaddon and Syntyche strode onto the rooftop, looking at the pair of them in disgust. "We have come to retrieve the Analog. If you insist on committing such pernicious and lewd acts, we ask that you wait to do so until after we are gone."

"No, you've got it all wrong! I was just about to arrest her!" Catman insisted.

"For the last time, that isn't the Analog!" The Shipper stood up and assumed a scolding posture. "It's my Ship-Inator! Get them straight already! One is red, the other is blue! It isn't rocket science!"

"Oh!" Brother Syntyche said, comprehension dawning. "Well, Euryptigans' eyesight is skewed toward the ultraviolet end of the spectrum, so everything looks blue to us. On the upside though, seeing in UV means we can also detect bacteria and other dirty substances better than most species."

"Yeah, why didn't you say this wasn't the Analog to begin with?" Brother Abaddon added. "It would have saved us a whole lot of trouble."

"I did! For the love of shipping, I said that about a hundred times, you morons!"

"I see. It's just that our memories are a little foggy after last night. I don't remember much of what happened before becoming zombies."

Brother Syntyche nodded in agreement. "That's right."

"Bullship! Nobody conveniently lost their memories after becoming a zombie last night, you're getting your zombie stories mixed up!"

"Although I do remember you giving us your word you would be baptized into our faith!" Brother Abaddon excitedly exclaimed.

"Now you're just selecting what memories you kept for convenience!"

"This may not be the Analog as we hoped, but finding a lost sheep to return to the fold is a welcome consolation prize!" The two Kandake missionaries approached the Shipper with eyes that seemed to glow red, causing her to duck and hide behind Catman.

"No! Catman here said he wants to be baptized, though!"

"Nya? I never said that!"

"Oh? So you are determined to cleanse yourself from all iniquity and devote the rest of your life to living a pure and untainted life?"

"Um, actually," Catman rubbed his elbow absentmindedly, "my people are believers in the cat-god, Nyhelixltrose."

"Ptew!" The moment he said the name Nyhelixltrose, Brothers Abaddon and Syntyche spat on the ground at Catman's feet.

"Oh, sorry about that," Brother Abaddon said congenially, not looking apologetic in the slightest. "Were you saying something?"

"T-to be treated like dirt for my religious upbringing," Catman drawled, breaking into a soft pant, "what a novel experience this is for me!"

"You're useless," sighed the Shipper. Taking matters into her own hands, she suddenly exclaimed, "What's that?" She pointed at Brother Abaddon's many legs. "Did you step in some diogee poop?"

"Eh?" Brother Abaddon screeched and flailed with his long, segmented tail, twisting and turning to get a good look at his many feet. "Where? Where? I need to wash it off!"

Catman stared pensively, placing his hand on his chin in thought. "The Shipper truly is a dangerous foe. She has studied all our weaknesses and knows just the right thing to say to push our buttons. She must be brought to justice at all costs―oof!" In the commotion, he was accidentally side-swiped by Brother Abaddon, sending the superhero flying.

Catman landed with a crash, and shook his head to clear it. When he got up, a dark shadow crossed his face, revealing that something was off. "Oi, where does a bug like you get off, thinking you can breathe the same air as me?"

"Uh-oh!" Swallow and the Shipper both saw it in unison. Catman's eyepatch had somehow switched to his right eye in the landing.

Extracting a whip, Catman lashed at the Euryptigans like a lion tamer, creating an ear splitting crack with every snap.

"If he slashes my soap with that whip, it'll ruin it!"

"I need to take a bath, quick, before the poop dries and hardens!" Both shouting such unremarkable things, the missionaries scampered through the exit, hollering and shrieking all the way until they slammed the door behind them.

Catman tenderly withdrew the whip and began looping it for storage. "Filthy vermin."

Swallow swallowed with a loud gulp and cautiously approached his superior. "Okay, Catman, let's get your eyepatch situated back on your other eye, alright?" he said, using the gentlest voice possible.

"Leave me alone, pig! Do you think I can't take care of myself? What are you, my mother trying to dress me for my first day of kindergarten?"

"Gah!" Swallow backed off. "I'm sorry!"

The Shipper had tried to blend into the background, but just by drawing attention to himself, Swallow had caused Catman to notice her from the corner of his unpatched eye. Turning her direction, he said, "Do I have something on my face?"

"Um, no," she answered, looking away.

"Huh?" Catman put his hands on his hips and drew himself down to her level. "What's the matter? You're not gonna try to ship me with someone again? Well? Don't you have anything to say for yourself, Shipper?"

"You're scaring me!" The Shipper withdrew and crouched down, covering her ears with her hands.

"Serves you right, considering all the trouble you've caused!" Catman declared. "For trash like you, the law doesn't give penalties harsh enough! I suppose I'll just have to take matters into my own hands. What was that suggestion you had earlier? To tie me to a desk and spank me? I like that idea. What do you think, Swallow? Does that sound like a suitable punishment for her? I think five to ten years of daily spankings will be adequate time for her to reflect on her actions!"

Swallow knew from experience not to question Catman when he got like this, so he just kept quiet.

Abandoning her beloved Ship-Inator, the Shipper traced the Euryptigans' steps and ran for the exit. "Aiyee! I'm not a sub, and I'm definitely not into bondage, either!"

"Get back here, maggot! You have a lot to answer for before justice is served!"

"Noooooo! It wasn't supposed to be this way!"

Back at a certain parking depot for spaceships and other flying craft, Captain Jabberwock stood beside his first mate Andromeda and looked proudly up at his ship.

"Here she is! Home, sweet home!"

Andromeda glanced at the pod bay door and quietly reached out for a slip of paper attached to the side. "Sir, you got a parking ticket."

"Ballsuthids!" cursed the space pirate, before quickly changing his tune. "I'm a pirate! You think I'm going to respond to a simple parking ticket?" He snatched the pink slip and crumpled it to a ball before tossing it aside. "C'mon, Andromeda. Let's go."

He swiped his hand across the access port, causing the ramp to slide open.

Before she followed, Andromeda sniffed the air softly and snapped around. Cassie stood there, looking uncertain.

"Um," the redhead said, "I―just wanted to say goodbye." Her eyes flickered up and down.

Reading her sister's body language, Andromeda's icy gaze melted slightly into a look that resembled a smile. "Would you like to join us, Cassie?"

"No! Nothing like that, just came to say goodbye! That's―" She looked up once she realized she was fooling no one. Captain Jabberwock had stopped from the deck to observe, subconsciously gripping the Wrambranch Amulet hanging round his neck. "Yeah, can I come with you guys?" She bowed her head slightly.

Andromeda deferred to their father. The Captain strutted down the ramp, a sight as impressive as ever considering his massive build. Looking her up and down, he asked, "Do you have the courage and fortitude to sail the seven seas, to plunder and pillage and pilfer and ravage, to follow my every order while staring in the face of certain death?"

"Yes!" Cassie rang with a salute. "But I thought you were space pirates―there aren't seas in space, are there?" Her salute faltered with a curious glance.

Captain Jabberwock shared a look with Andromeda, who nodded. Satisfied, he gestured to the ship with his chin. "Welcome aboard!"

Cassie stiffened in another crisp salute as he about-faced and strolled back up the ramp to disappear into the ship's hull. Rather than follow, Andromeda stared at her sister a moment before asking, "Where are the others?"

"They are heading back home." When Andromeda's eyes seemed to press the issue, she continued, "They'll be fine! We all decided on this together, so don't worry!"

"I see." Andromeda paused again. "By the way, I still have my virginity."

"Huh?" Cassie leaned away, putting some distance between them. "Where's this coming from?"

"You said yesterday you thought I lost it, but I haven't."

"TMI!"

The Captain stuck his head out and bellowed, "What are you still doing, you scallywags? We're setting sail! Raise the mast! Swab the decks! We're short on crew members, so it's double the work all around! I have a curse to lift, and we still need to find that Graturnian and pay him back all the hospitality we owe him!"

Andromeda and Cassie jumped to work as he shouted out orders. Even so, the two Yandarian sisters, the greatest warriors of their generation, both failed to hide the smiles from showing on their faces.

ARRIVAL: PLANET EARTH

The familiar views and welcoming sights of the city of Danville greeted the gang like an old friend in the glow of the setting sun. Ferb's rocket touched down in the backyard of the Flynn-Fletcher residence, where it would presumably stay for at least the next eleven minutes until some mischievous ray or other would cause it to mysteriously vanish into thin air. Isabella stepped out from the hatch onto the lawn and took a deep breath, feeling full of gratitude to be back where she belonged.

Phineas hopped to the ground beside her and looked around. "We finally made it!"

Ferb and Vanessa softly exited the rocket ship behind them. "Ferb and I are going to let my dad know we made it home safely," Vanessa waved cheerily as they walked to the gate leading to the driveway. "We'll see you tomorrow!"

"See ya, Nessa! Ferb!" Phineas and Isabella waved back.

"So," Isabella briefly pushed a strand of hair back behind her ear. "I guess that we have finally reached the end of our first date."

Phineas chuckled. "Not quite yet. I still have to walk you home, don't I?" Phineas extended his hand, which Isabella gladly took.

"Yes. Yes you do."

The sky was just turning as the pair commenced the short walk across the street to the Garcia-Shapiro residence. "Oh, there you are, Perry."

"Grdrdrdrdrdrdrdrd." The platypus crossing their path chattered mindlessly on his way to the sliding glass door where he would wait to be let inside.

"We missed you too!" Phineas took care to match Isabella's stride, walking neither too fast nor too slow. "Well, Ms. Garcia-Shapiro, it may not have gone quite as I had planned, but I hope you enjoyed our date."

Isabella dryly snickered. "I guess that the next time somebody asks me about the weirdest date I've ever been on, I'll have a whopper of a story to tell them!"

"Yeah." Phineas apologetically tousled at his locks of brilliant red hair. "Sorry about that. From now on, I promise to stick to normal date activities. If I keep my inventions separate, something like this shouldn't happen again."

Isabella stopped and faced Phineas, for they were already standing on her front porch. "Phineas," she said, assuming a serious tone. He gazed into her blue eyes, which were still the cutest set of eyes he had ever seen. "You don't have to go that far if you don't want to. It was seriously the best date of my life. And I am not just saying that because it was the only date I've been on, it really was fun! Because whenever I'm with you, I'm always, always, having fun!"

Phineas couldn't help but smile. "Isabella..."

"Phineas..."

The moment arrived. The young couple leaned in close until the touch of their lips spread into a warmth that absorbed their entire bodies, a pillow that softly and gently embraced their limbs.

The porch light flicked on, accompanied by a sudden noise as the door swung open. "Isabella! Phineas! Thank goodness, you're safe!" Mrs. Garcia-Shapiro peppered them with her rapidfire accent and wrapped them both up in a big hug. "Oi vey, we were all so worried about you! Do you know you've been missing for a week?! Where have you been?"

"Ma, we're okay!" the smothered Isabella gasped, struggling to breath. "You can let go!"

Her mother did as requested, although she didn't remove her hands from their shoulders. "Oh, my big girl, all grown up! You and Phineas ran away and eloped!? I have already guessed what happened. I wish you would have at least called and told me, but I'm sure you were both very, erm, busy. Ah, to be young and in love. But you can tell me about that later." She leaned in close and whispered, "You at least used protection, didn't you?"

"Mom! We didn't elope! We were―" She stopped when she realized that getting abducted by aliens was an even more difficult explanation than not eloping.

"Well, just in case, tell me if your next period doesn't arrive on time, and we can get you a test. Oh, I wonder if it will be a boy or a girl!?"

"MOM!" Isabella's face was beet red. "We didn't―" She squirmed and scrunched her face. "Stop making weird assumptions!"

Phineas was looking pointedly in any other direction but toward the two women.

"Okey-dokey, if that's what you say, I'll believe you. But just know that whatever the truth is, I still love you and will support you no matter what happens. Even if you have to drop out of school next year, we'll work it all out somehow!"

"Th-thanks, but I'm not dropping out."

That made Phineas realize something. "Hey, if we've been gone a week, doesn't that mean summer vacation has started?! Yes! Who-hoo!" He pumped a fist in the air. "This means I can hang out with Isabella everyday! Time to dust off the old blowtorch and left-handed flange tuner!"

"Um, right, about that," Mrs. Garcia-Shapiro hesitantly stated. "You both have a week's worth of schoolwork piled up. I'm sorry to tell you, Phineas dear, but you'll have to go to summer school to finish your previous semester."

Phineas looked like he'd just been told he had contracted an incurable disease. "We what?"

In Praise of Romance II: Lovetopia―Chapter 12: In Praise of Shipping
And Also, Lovezombies

Earth: an unexplored planet, home to seven billion creatures known as humans. Although humans have yet not reached an advanced enough stage of civilization to travel through space or join the alliance of cultures and races here in the Galactic Hub, they are a fascinating species. Humans have an especially rich and complex system of behaviors when it comes to falling in love and finding a mate.

And I, Gulliver, have taken it upon myself to study these unique and unparalleled phenomena. For today's episode, I will show you the human bonding ritual known as a 'second date,' and we will be following a young couple I have been observing for some time now. Their names are Phineas and Isabella.

As you can see, this footage shows how the male, Phineas, first visits the nest of the female, requesting permission to begin their date by knocking on her door. Isabella can choose to answer his early advances by accepting his date offer or reject him by not answering the door. Let's see what she does.

It seems she has answered the door. Humans, you see, go on dates to test out their compatibility together as a sort of trial run before deciding whether or not to pair off indefinitely as mates.

…

Our couple has arrived at a building known as an aquarium, which, according to my investigation, is a dating hotspot, a very popular location for young couples to visit. Normally, a date to an aquarium involves watching various aquatic creatures unique to Earth's distinct ocean biomes. It is thought that bonds of trust subconsciously deepen between the couple by returning briefly to their origins as Earthlings―as mammals that evolved from fish which once swam Earth's prehistoric seas.

However, this date will not go so smoothly for Phineas and Isabella. Their bonds of trust are tested as this incoming male, hoping to assert his dominance over Phineas, comes over to try to impress Isabella, a process known to humans as flirting. See how Isabella rejects this newcomer's advances and demonstrates her preference for Phineas as her future mating partner by verbally repelling the other male, then transforming into a werewolf and running away howling into the misty night.

…

Werewolfism is a rare trait in humans, although I might mention it is unexpectedly common as a trope in human fiction. In any case, Isabella's werewolfism has come as a shock to her love interest, Phineas. As it turns out, some things happened, and Isabella is a werewolf now. Let's see how this new development affects this couple's foray into the uncharted waters of human dating.

…

In search of a cure to Isabella's werewolfism, our couple has found themselves at the site of an erupting volcano. While avoiding the lava, ash clouds, and lahar flows, which are all deadly to humans, they come across an undiscovered tribe of natives with no knowledge of Earth's technology, customs, or modern courting practices. This tribe will attempt to cannibalize Isabella due to her being a pure virgin, unless Phineas can find a way to rescue her.

…

Now cured of her werewolfism, Isabella and Phineas return to their native lands with its more advanced culture to complete their date. As she still recovers from her wolf-like tendencies, Isabella finds herself prone to occasional beastial tendencies, including eating raw meat and an especially high desire to mate. Humans often are careful with their sexual partners, especially while still young and inexperienced, so Phineas finds himself in a dilemma between wanting to satisfy his own carnal urges and his innate desire to hold back until he and Isabella are more emotionally and psychologically ready to attempt reproduction. Why don't we try an experiment to see how strong his resolve is?

…

After being unknowingly led by my highly scientific methods to see Isabella in an unclothed state for the first time at a certain hot spring, it appears that the boy Phineas' hormones are surging at record high levels! However, he and Isabella do not begin mating as expected, despite their compatibility as a couple being astoundingly high. Human behavior truly is complex. For as you see, Isabella's hormone levels plummeted when she realized the surprise that Phineas saw her unclothed. Bizarrely, humans may sometimes choose to resist their instinctive urge to mate when placed under such favorable conditions. It is believed this is due to the complex social structures ingrained into all facets of human society. However, more research is needed.

…

A naturalist's life is always endangered when in the field, and that is no more true then now. Isabella has spotted me and discovered that I was the one who tricked Phineas into finding her at the hot spring, and now she is chasing me with the intent to kill, like a wild animal. Hurry, SAM, we have to move faster, or she'll catch us!

…

The humans' second date has come to an end. Unlike their first date, Phineas and Isabella did not demonstrate any of their 'kissing' behaviors on this date. I suppose my failed experiment may partially be to blame. However, it seems that the date is still ending on congenial enough terms, and I believe our couple will yet experience the chance to go on many dates in the future, just like this one.

Hey everyone, zapdosmaster145 here! Thank you so, so much for reading this story all the way to the end! I know it was long, but I hope it was worth it!

Since you have already invested so much time into this story, please consider taking just a little more time to leave a thoughtful review. Here's the deal: I had so much fun writing this fanfiction that I want to adapt it into an original work to publish on my own. That's right, I'm going to rework Phineas and Isabella into OC's I can insert into a novel of my own using all the worldbuilding, OC's, jokes, and so on that I have already worked so hard to create. Obviously it's going to take a lot more than just replacing Phineas' and Isabella's names, but a considerable amount of groundwork is already laid. So any feedback you can give me this time is more crucial than ever! Tell me anything―what you liked, what didn't work, if it was too long, were any jokes lame, did the Shipper seem too offensive... Anything you can give me will help me out a ton. I will accept any and all constructive criticism, feel free to roast me if you really think that publishing this as a novel is such a bad idea. And I probably shouldn't say this because it'll show you how lame I really am, but based on Lovetopia's traffic stats there's only about ten of you still reading. Don't assume someone else will review and let you off the hook, because there really are just a few people in the whole world reading this story! Unfortunately the once great Phineas & Ferb fandom has died, either that or Lovetopia is just really, really bad, and I have no other way of knowing. So don't pass through, please review! I can't do anything in return for you except review your stories, but if you enjoyed Lovetopia enough to read it all the way to its conclusion, I wish you will at least consider it.

So anyways, look out for Lovetopia possibly coming to the shelves of your local bookstore soon! Thank you and I'll say it again, thank you for reading my story! And now, my friends, I wish you all nothing but the best of luck with all your future endeavors!